Time Capsule Zine: Freshman Year
freshman year was hard & strange & weird & so much happened. made even stranger by the fact that part of me never thought i?d complete it, yet here i am, working on this with only one more final to go!!!!! tws for: eating stuff; body stuff; vomit; alcohol; nsfw(ish) be safe. i love you, probably.
first flashback two years from this coming august i left home. the pavement was getting too old. plus, i was starting to dream of scalps with cacti growing out of them. i decided to chalk these dreams up to my being stir crazy. i had a mother who i loved & a father who i loved but i couldn?t stay with either of them. i tried telling them this & they told me that they understood, but i still don?t think that they did. i chose the midwest -- ohio, specifically, oberlin, specifically -- because of how flat it was; maybe if i was standing in a flat state, my body would suddenly become flat as well. also the sky was so clear: lying out one night in a field in oberlin?s arboretum i saw three shooting stars. that was my last night there. on my last night there i thought i was going to cry, kept trying to cry, but i didn't. i did talk about dreams, though, out in that field. & then later i found an empty, discarded cardboard box on the floor of some dorm?s lobby. i put the box over my head; i thought that doing so would turn me into something closer to a tree. when i came back to ny my body couldn?t stop shaking for three weeks. i wanted so badly to let somebody hold me, but whenever somebody did my body just shook even more. i didn't know that this is what missing people, missing a place, would do to me. back in ny i did a lot of walking & a lot of looking at skies. actually in ny i spent a week in a hospital, where i wasn't really allowed to walk at all. so i stared at the walls & at the ceilings & made up stories about the faces that i told myself i saw in them. one of the boys i'd met at oberlin ended up calling me on the shitty pay phone. the conversation was stilted & sad. i don't know if it was him or me or my being in the hospital. probably all of it. later, after the hospital, the boy & i tried to have sex in my dad?s empty apartment. we came close, but it still just hurt too much. maybe i was still missing ohio too much.
this is ohio
on the following couple of pages you will find object 1: a list of songs from this past year that that have somehow managed to cling to my skin &, more importantly, to bury themselves underneath my skin. they feel very much a part of me & i feel very, very much a part of them.
picture taken at one of the only concerts in the city i went to this year (shea stadium, i.e., a small venue in brooklyn, ny, i.e., not the stadium in which the mets play)
1st semester: key songs (part 1) 1. "farewell angelina (bob dylan cover)" - joan baez: walking to class & feeling emotional because you're on your period. you've just made yourself throw up again. because you hate yourself & you hate your body & you don't know how to stop this cycle. 2. "nervous" - tele/visions: sitting on a porch with a boy from home & he plays you this song & you want to cry. you don't belong at home & you don't belong at school. ghostghostghost! the idea of liminality haunts you each day. 3. "baby birch" - joanna newsom: you're by yourself walking through the woods that surround your school & thinking that maybe you can love yourself, or at least like yourself, or at least treat yourself as though you do. it's so beautiful out. the sun is setting. it's only been a day, but maybe, finally (finallyfinally), you can do this. 4. "bloodbuzz ohio" - the national: sometimes your heart still aches for ohio. ("i was carried / to ohio in a storm of bees / i never married / but ohio don't remember me") 5. "be a body" - grimes: a reminder - how to be in your own body? 6. "workin' on leavin' the livin'" - modest mouse: sitting in a dorm with a boy who you think you will be friends with for a while. he plays you this song & tells you about how emotional it makes him & then the two of you stop kissing each other & then the two of you stop talking to each other. a month later his leftover beer is still in your fridge. 7. "the mess inside" - mountain goats: every single mountain goats song fucks you up. 8. "major leagues" - pavement: "relationships hey hey hey" is such an important line to you always. not just this semester. always. 9. "trains across the sea" - silver jews: "troubles / no troubles / on the line / & i can't stand to see you / i can't stand to see you / when you're crying / at home / scotch & penicillin / please try carlton / a scotch & maple hanger / & husbands on the run / i just got back / from a dream attack / that took me by surprise...in 27 years / i drank 50,000 beers / & they just wash against me / like a sea into a pier" sums so much up for you. 10. "thomas county law" - iron & wine: samuel beam knows how to sing about his hometown as though he's really, really from there (like it really means something to him). you try to write a poem about nyack that sounds like this song but you can't. you try to write a song about keeseville, ny -- upstate, where your old camp was -- & it's better, but still not quite there. where are you really from? 11. "mickey's dead" - elvis depressedly: you go to an elvis depressedly concert in brooklyn with a friend from school (this is where the picture a couple of pages back was taken). the two of you get tacos afterwards. you still hate your body. at that time you are having sex with a boy who you don't think likes you as much as you would like for him to. communication is so hard. you listen to this song a lot leading up to this concert & it fucks you up. 12. "birthday song" - frankie cosmos: "just because i am a certain age / doesn't mean that i am any older / than i was yesterday" you're 19 & you sure as hell feel a whole lot younger. you can barely take care of yourself but you're trying & nobody seems to realize that. 13. "california stars" - billy bragg & wilco: you listen to this in the living room of a boy with whom you end up having sex. it ends up being the most casual sex you will ever have at college. as in, later you will run into him (a lot) & each time you do it will take you a minute to remember that you actually slept with him. this is going to weird you out. this will make you realize that probably casual sex & hookup culture is not for you, but you're going to continue to partake in it anyway (often time without even necessarily quite meaning to). 14. "come thru" - drake: the boy you don't think really likes you plays this for you in his car & you're swooning. 15. "i make boys cry" - adult mom: hell yeah!!!! (also: shout out to steph for being the sun!!!!!) 16. "harvest" - neil young: you venture to the city in order to meet a boy you know from the internet. he writes poetry that you really like. the two of you see "inherent vice." this song plays & you feel nostalgic & sad. that night you give him a blowjob & he cries & you can't help but feel like you've done something terribly wrong. the sad & nostalgic feeling lasts for weeks & you can't stop listening to this song. ("did i see you down / in a young girl's town / with your mother in so much pain? ... did she wake you up / to tell you that / it was only a change of plan? / dream up, dream up / let me fill your cup / with the promise of a man / did i see you walking / with the boys / though it was not hand in hand / & with some black face / in a lonely place / when you could understand?")
2nd semester: key songs 1. "major leagues" - pavement: still. even more so. for the same reason as first semester. 2. "andrew in drag" - magnetic fields: you first listened to this song in oberlin. you still think about oberlin, sometimes. also, you love how all of their songs have poignant, melancholic lyrics paired with very upbeat melodies. 3. "restless farewell (bob dylan cover)" - joan baez: "oh every boy / that ever i've touched / i did not do it harmfully" joan baez breaks your heart. 4. "you are my face" - wilco: sometimes you feel like you're in 8th grade again. also the lyrics of this song are so achingly beautiful. poetry. you wish you could write like this. 5. "thirteen" - big star: you start watching gilmore girls & you fall in love with everything about it & this song plays & you think about how you've never really had a "thirteen" moment & you want one. where is your "thirteen" moment? 6. "sex is boring" - ballboy: or maybe you're just bad at it. or you're scared of it. probably the latter. 7. "suspended from class" - camera obscura: this year you've ended up having crushes on 3 different boys who are tall & lanky & have long hair & major in literature or creative writing & it fucks you up a bit. also 2 of them are tauruses!!!! "you're such a beautiful writer / that's not all you are / i'm sorry about making a pass / it was subtle but i think that you grasped / the meaning intended" 8. "everyone's summer of '95" - iron & wine: samuel beam writes lyrics that are nostalgic but not overly sentimental & that are full of lovely imagery but not overladen with said imagery. the songs are very much rooted & yet at the same time are very much ephemeral & ethereal & timeless. how does he do it?? you feel like this summer of '95 was your summer. 9. "the mistress from mcclure (or, the mind that knows itself)" - sufjan stevens: sufjan stevens' lyrics are also so hauntingly & heartbreakingly beautiful. you listen to this song for approx. 2 weeks straight & write so much poetry as a result. 10. "demons" - the national: even the sound of matt berninger's breathing could make you cry/break your heart. 11. "helplessness blues" - fleet foxes: this entire album tells the most achingly beautiful story. you love it. 12. "nobody's hippie" - kimya dawson: kimya dawson plays at your school along with paul baribeau & you feel like you're 13 again. it's beautiful & sad & crazy (as is everything in your life). 13. "never wanted your love" - she & him the last time you listened to/loved she & him you were a sophomore in high school. now here you are a freshman in college, relating to she & him all over again. boys are terrible. how do you deal with 'em?
object 2: this picture
at the start of college, you will be thin, although you will not see yourself as such. stranger than that, you will end up, on a couple of nights, wearing makeup. the makeup does not belong to you & has not been put onto your face by your own hands. the make up will make you feel attractive & very, very much not like yourself. some might call this feeling one that is "out-of-body." makeup is strange. you can't stop looking at yourself in the mirror. mirrors are strange & will stay with you throughout the year, whether you like it or not (usually it's the "or not" that is true). wearing makeup does not mean that you are no longer yourself.
object 3: a green jacket (there is no picture of this jacket, which makes it, almost, more meaningful) there's a boy who is aging both too quickly & too slowly for his own good. the two of you are surrounded by the sticky heat of suburban concrete & suburban streetlamps & suburban nighttime & a lack of cars. he tells you that he thinks about you often. a month later it's september. by then nighttime brings with it cold weather. with cold weather comes cold skin. the way this boy doesn't actually care about you enough crinkles into your hair, this cruel feeling leaving your teeth too dry. you feel how he's thinking of a different brown-haired girl (a girl who for some reason he can't see at the time, because of distance) when your body is up against his like a thief.
cold air should bury this feeling. should let your teeth feel okay, at least, but instead you're lonely. skin dry. in september this boy visits you & lends you a jacket. 9th grade you would have loved this had he not told you to whom the jacket belonged, had you not been able to tell that when he saw you all he saw was this other girl.
object 4: crane's lake red wine you drink a lot during weekends, as many students do, because (& again you are not alone) drinking is what makes you feel significantly more socially comfortable. this most likely isn't great but also it is what it is. fun fact: when you were younger, maybe 6th or 7th grade, your parents made you see a woman whose job was to teach you how to converse with people -- she told you to ask people questions; for a long time your conversations sounded too much like interviews. now, your conversations sound either too much like interviews or are too much about yourself. there is never any balance. in general, you don't know how to achieve balance, although you'd like to be able to do this (achieve balance, in all or at least most areas of your life). your favorite kind of alcohol to drink is red wine, preferably straight from the bottle, because: 1. it makes you feel classy 2. "antioxidants, amirite?" (later you will realize that wine kind of makes you feel too tired, & a lot of you is drinking the wine mostly because you think it makes you look healthier, & so you opt for vodka instead, which makes you feel great in the moment & shitty later on). there is one night, it is the night of a poetry reading, & you go with your friend who is 21 to buy alcohol & you ask for red wine, tell her you don't care what kind, just any cheap red wine. she buys you crane lake's red wine, which you like mostly because it is $7 & because the name is sort of poetic. a lot of the names of alcoholic beverages are sort of poetic.
that night you are terrified of gaining weight & want to be drunk but are also terrified of the calories in alcohol. your friend ends up drinking most of the bottle & you're eyeing him with envy in part because you wish you could be that brave & just drink without worry & in part because you wish you could be that drunk. you want to drink & eat normally the way everybody else seems to but it is all so impossible.
you're glad though that you have this friend especially when you go to read poems in front of an audience that consists mostly of people you love but also of a couple of people with whom relationships feel slightly awkward. on your way up to read these poems you trip. you're not even drunk. you're grateful to have the wine, though, so that you can say that you are.
this year saw body changes & not necessarily ones that i liked. it's okay it's okay it's okay.
object 5: a bundle of pictures -- not all of them are seen here
object 6: found robin egg
break the egg in your hand. mostly because it is finals week & you're tired. you've been tired this whole semester, though. how to sleep? this is an important question that you've yet to discover an answer to. how to solve the problem of emotional fatigue? another question you don't really know the answer to. crack a robin's egg? maybe. or, go to the library. break apart like a thrumming song.
object 7: hair so many hair changes. cutting hair as an act of release. throwing hair onto the ground, letting it fall & scatter where it will (at the end of the school year, the night before your last final), as an act of release. trying to embrace change instead of run from it. changes in body & in friends & yes, even in hair.