This is a work of fiction/ JJ

by Matt Holmes staff writer

A recent re-convention of the Warren Commission has just released a series of spy documents that show secret plans for global domination. The files, which were obtained through covert C.I.A. operatives, show the main international combat attempts over the past 20 years. A surprising result of this report is that the main effort did not consist of air strikes or guerrilla warfare, but rather of broadcast media usage: the aim of these efforts being to control the subconscious thoughts of American 20-somethings in the 21st century. Japan and Canada seem to have been in a desperate struggle over recent years, consisting of their television exports. Many favorite TV shows that the current generation holds as treasured, childhood memories are in fact products of international espionage.

Japan concentrated its efforts on creating a distinct, visual style, tapping into the id-related psychological need for over-exaggerated explosions and robots. According to the uncovered files, Japan has been sending children's television programs to the U.S.A. since the early "Speed Racer Project," which attempted to make Americans more aggressive drivers, subsequently increasing the price of imported Japanese automobiles. The TV mind-control division was later upgraded in the mid 70s and 80s and produced "Voltron" and "Thundercats." U.S. governmentcontrolled animators then countered with "Transformers" and "G.I.Joe," in the Japanese style, but with seizurecausing agents replaced by product positioning. Canada, which originally attempted moose, snow and health-care related brainwashing, re-focused their campaign in 1981, according to the report. While Japanese agents focused on the visual, Canada utilized the auditory and basically focused on the pronunciation of the word "about." Programming originating with the show, "Today's Special," later focused on the teenage population with "You Can't Do That On Television" and "Fifteen." Vocal recognition firmly established the "Alanis Morrisette Project" was underway. Other covert operations uncovered in the report include the subtle smuggling of Canadian officials through Chicago and New York under the veil of comedy. Comedy having been invented the effect of this report. Six-year-old Veronica Smelty stated, "the war of the future will not consist of satellites, guns, or nuclear missiles, but rather of public opinion polls, general consensus of apathetic Americans, and mostly of the broadcast media. The futme is now!"