for? Four New Years Four More Years

LAUREN REILLY NEWS EDITOR

LMR722@CABRINI EDU

This November, I suggest that we do what’s best for the United States and not reelect an idiot to lead our country into our next huge embarrassing failure. I know many of you would consider that statement a bit rash, and maybe you’re right; I’m sure that George W. Dumbass is an intelligent man stuck in a moron’s body. After all, he has “coined new words like misunderstanding and hispanically,” leaving me to believe that our countr y will continue to grow and prosper, so long as we don’t need literacy to maintain a stable democracy.

Don’t get me wrong; George W. Schmuck has many fine qualities. I hear he golf’s like it’s his job (resulting in the tendency to refer to himself in third person as “Tiger,” which usually complicates senate meetings), an avid reader of picture books, and when the going gets tough, he has a reliable cabinet of magic 8-balls to consult (Bush: “Does Saddam have weapons of mass destruction?” Magic 8-ball: “Concentrate and ask again.” Bush: “Damnit 8-ball! You know I can’t consecrate!”).

“They misunderestimated me.” Really? I wonder why? It may have something to do with that slightly spooked, everlasting “oops, I tooted” smirk on your face.

I would love to continue on about how our president, one of the most important people on Ear th, has incredible charisma and an impeccable rational (if by charisma you mean stupidity and by rational, g rammar); however, it just occur red to me that I’d rather pluck my own eyeballs out with a r usty screwdriver and watch myself bleed to death. Unfor tunately, I lack the means to the end, so while a search for some sort of instrument that will slowly and painfully put me out of my misery, let me say my piece.

Let’s start with war. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. John Kerry, if elected, plans to re-establish and create alliances globally, with the intentions to: prevent and eventually put a stop to terrorism; stop the spread of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons; and finally, to promote democracy, freedom, and opportunity around the world. World peace? That’s crazy talk. Why try to work together for a better cause when you can just bomb the hell out of their less fortunate, most likely impoverished and oppressed countr y? Hey George W. Turd, I know this “foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating,” but we probably shouldn’t piss off the entire world; it could put us at a disadvantage. Is that word too big for you? Let me simplify: It is bad.

Now I’m not some nonpit shaving, hippie feminist, but I’d like to make this much clear: No man can, or will, tell me what I can and cannot do to my body. Pro-life you say? How about pro-vagina? That’s right, vagina. Until you, George W. Tool, have a cervix that’s fully equipped with a uterus and fallopian tubes, think again about telling women what they are entitled to. I don’t think you’d be too pleased if I, a woman, were in charge of your testicles. Trust me, the last thing you want is a chick who’s pissed off and has complete control over the family jewels.

John Kerry plans on raising standards in schools, increasing school funding as well as making college tuition more affordable. Taking measures to see that the children of America have the opportunity for a plentiful education is imperative for the future of our country; the last thing we need is some rich kid whose daddy puts him through an Ivy League school where he can screw up as much as his little heart desires because when push comes to shove, dollar signs and zeros make any felony disapear…(cough) George D.W.I. Bush.

George that’s y prob lem. Just remem ber this: Muff is scar y, v ote for Kerry.