The Beginning: Bad Advice
‘Jai Paul’ on preparing for the apocalypse
Dear Jai. Absolutely love your work – you’re better at evading the oppressive apparatus of the state than almost any other British electronic pop producer from the last decade that I can think of. Tell me, what are the three essential items you need in your survival bunker that nobody ever mentions? – Theodore K, Montana Great question. We all know about tins of beans, dynamo lights, crude weapons and stuff, right? But what nobody ever tells you is how bored you get in there – so what I do is take in a deck of cards, a Twister mat and as many issues of Viz as I can pack into a JD bag. And here’s a bonus: always pack one more pair of pants than you think you’ll need. It can get scary down there. Hi JP. Did you go straight from the bunker to Coachella, or did you spend a bit of time reintroducing yourself to society beforehand, and are you back in the bunker now? – J. E. Hoover, via email I can neither confirm nor deny my whereabouts at any time. Sorry pal, that’s just a red line for me. I refuse even to say if it was really me up there at that stupid festival – you wouldn’t know either way would you? But I have been to an undisclosed part of the surface world recently, and all that fucking bunting in Tesco was enough to drive me back underground for centuries. Not for me. Jai, how do you not get really lonely, hiding away from the world like that? – J. Vernon, Wisconsin
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You’d be surprised at how much company I get. Loads of people come down here just to hang for a bit – big-room EDM lads mainly. There are some interesting combinations of folks who just want to get away from it all for a bit. You’d be amazed at what Deadmau5 can rustle up using only tinned food or how good Thomas Pynchon is at Twister. Also, I’m not hiding from the world. I’m just waiting out the inevitable – not cowering away, just minding my own business. When it all goes to shit and you’re down to your last sheet of bog roll as the streets burn around you, you’ll wish you’d thought ahead like me. I’ve got a bidet. What do you eat in an average week when you’re entirely self-sufficient, Jai? Have you had to learn to hunt? Basically I’m thinking of getting off the grid, but I really like a chicken parmo. – Frank Ocean, Stockton-on-Tees Ah yeah, you’re gonna have to wean yourself off the bechamel. I eat a lot of chickpeas and lentils, things that can stay in the cupboard for millennia, and Ryvitas – they do go off eventually but you can’t tell. Once a week I head out into the [redacted] forest, picking berries and edible leaves – I did a foraging course on Hackney Marshes once you know, it was lovely – and try to hunt some meat. It took me a while to learn to be honest – spent a lot of time with a goat in a headlock, working out what I was supposed to do next – but these days I’m pretty ruthless. You’d be amazed at how easy it is to kick the fuck out of a deer when you’re really peckish. Anyway, up the Boro and have a nice day.
illustration by kate prior
