Carry on Waywardly
徐冠宇 Guanyu Xu
I will carry on cos I know I will.
Carry on Waywardly
Run away from the reality. I don’t know what to do. The life, the world is so complicated. What are the right things? How can I do the right things? Why do the right things go wrong? Is the world really changing to a better one? I’d rather run away. Go to places with no one there, no one cares. It’s a journey. A journey to escape my identity, my fear, my unclear thoughts, my tiredness. How can I trust people? The world? I’m a paranoiac. Stop! Just let me run away. Into the wild fields, into the memories, into nowhere. Or somewhere utopian. Just be nice, be nice to me. Why can’t it just be easy? Why is the misery still in my head? Please. Stop it! I’m running for utopia. An illusionary place. Is here could be the utopia? Is there? Let me hide in utopia. But why everything here is so familiar? Nothing is changed. Nothing is changed. I want to save here, there, everywhere. But I can’t, I can’t. I want to be pure. Pure as the dead tree. Let me rot, rot with the dead tree.
新闻说，中国同性恋留学生被肢解。 新闻说，美国正在推动同性恋结婚的法律。
对未知的恐惧似乎是人们排斥异己的原因。 害怕自己受到伤害而诋毁，拒绝，消灭他人。 简单的说，是一种自己的保护机制吧 是自私吗？ 那么提倡人人独一无二的同时又怎样保证不自私以及人人平等呢？ 害怕受到伤害，害怕失去 所以乌托邦才一直是乌托邦吗
我害怕，害怕被同学，朋友，父母，发现我是同性恋 或许我确实应该去美国上学，那里更自由 更平等。 周围都是陌生人，我就可以有一个新的开始。
*1
中国政府虽然相对独裁，很多贪污腐败，不遵守法治，但是也确实让很多人的生活向好的方向 发展了。 我生，长在北京。已经拥有了太多人无法得到的好的生活。我们这代人，并没有太多的歧视同 性恋，起码没有发生在我的身边。但是在父母那里，或是在社会议题、新闻上，这还是禁忌。 或者说是作为病态，根本否认它的存在。
“美国比中国要好太多了！中国政府根本不遵守法律，不为人民做事。” ——“你把美国想得太好，那里也很多不平等，很多穷人，北京真不见得比美国差。”
*2
有些人只关心自己， 有些人接受了好的教育，却也不去努力让世界变得更好， 有些人生下来就注定接受不到好的教育，可能就也真的无法去理解未知可能带来的恐惧。 世界的恶到底谁来承担？
Bell Hooks, Leo Bersani, Judith Butler写下的这些文章让我知道了早有人在 对这个 问题百般的世界做了系统的研究。 可是 他们只能影响一小群人 近乎为没有
是不是根本没有改变
肤色，性别，性向，疾病，贫穷 如何才能让所有人都懂得每个生命都值得同等的尊重
*3
——“想那么多干嘛？你只要管好自己就好了。”
我生在一个太多元，太多信息充斥的时代。 一方面美国通过互联网大量的输入自由 平等之类的信息。 身边的同学，或者网络上的言论都在批驳共产党政府存在的错误 一方面我也渐渐知道美国其实并不是真的如同好莱坞电影里表现的 那样美好。 同样的，关于 不同肤色，性向的人被打 被杀的新闻也层出不穷。 但是 我还是相信，美国是一个更好的地方，是一个乌托邦，起码在法律上有保 证。 似乎
*4
我以逃避的身份来到了
*5
摄影变成了我面对世界的媒介， 它一方面帮助我逃避现实，另一面也在帮我治疗我的恐惧，和我的精疲力竭。 它帮我思考，帮我说出自己的声音。
我知道我的想法在一次一次陷入困局， 一次一次的自我否定与自我辩驳， 似乎毫无疑义。 但是
摄影一直拉着我，驱使着我不要停下脚步，
去看更多。
*6
back and forth
Life is a circle. Is about back and forth. Move forward and step back. Longing and restraint. Right and wrong. Do it or not do it. It’s a paradox. Don’t ask for too much then Don’t expect that the things But still, need to carry on. When you realize there is no
there will be less misery. you do can really make a big change to the world. Still, need to do it. change, then, acutally, it is a change.
I cannot get a answer. I’d rather go to watch TV series and live in a dream world. I know I still gonna carry on. I only live once. I will die of course, should I just do what I want to do and avoid misery thoughts and things. I will carry on cos I know I will. Even though I am so tiny. But I want to be perfect. I’m trying to change the world.
Am I?
Translation 1. News story: A Chinese homosexual student was dismembered after had sex with a man. News Story: U.S is in the process of passing the law of same sex marriage. The reason of rejecting people in different identity could be the fear of unknonwn. Fear to be hurt, hence people slander, reject, kill others. Simply, it’s a mechanism of self-protection? or selfish? While we call for every person should be unique, how to assure unselfishness and equality? Fear to be hurt, fear to lose That’s why utopia is always utopia? I was so afraid. I feared to tell my classmates, my friends, my parents that I am gay. Maybe I do should go to USA to study. It’s a free and equal world there. I could have a brand new start, cos everyone around me is stranger. 2. Chinese government may relatively be a dictatorship with corruption, contempting law, however it still have already made lots of people to have a better life. I born, and raised in Beijing. I already have a good life, which lots of people cannot have. My generation, at least the friends around me, seldomly dicriminate queer. But people are the same age with my parent are hard to accept that. “USA is much better than China. Government in China doesn’t really obey the law and serve the citizens.“ ——”USA not really looks like the way that you imagined. They also have inequality or lots of poor people. Beijing wound’t be a worse place than there.” 3. Some people only care about themselves. Some people who received good education, but they just do nothing to change the world. Some people can’t have good education because where they born, so they may not be able to understand the fear from unknown things. Then, who should have the responsibility of the vice from this world? The writings of Bell Hooks, Leo Bersani, Judith Butler make me know that the analysis of this problematic world have already been studied profoundly. However They can only influent a small group of people which is hardly enough There won’t be any change, right?
Race, Gender, Sexuality, Disease, Poverty How to make everyone knows that every person should be respected and treated equally? 4. ——”Why you think about these things that much? Just mind yourself would be fine.” My generation is the generation of pluralism, full of information from different directions. On the one hand, U.S keep exporting ideology of freedom and equality through Internet. Lots of people around me, talk about the failure of Chinese Communist Party. On the other hand, I gradually know that US is not the same US from Hollywood Movies or TV Series. Lots of news says that people in different race or sexuality are bullied and killed. However I still want to believe, US is a better place, a utopia that assured by law. 5. I come to here, as a escapist.
MAYBE
6. Photography is a medium to help me face the world. It helps me escape from reality, but also becomes a cure of fear and exhaustion. It helps me think, helps me speak out loud. I know my thoughts are going into predicament or paradox again and again. Keep denying myself and arguing with myself, seems means nothing. However
it is photography
leads me forward
to see more.