[sample translations]ven pomnyun, lessons for mothers eng by LTI Korea Library

Sample Translations

Ven. Pomnyun

Lessons for Mothers E ng l i s h

Book Information

Lessons for Mothers (엄마 수업 ) Jungto Publishing corp./ 2011 / 29 p./ ISBN 9788984315112 For further information, please visit: http://library.klti.or.kr/node/772

This sample translation was produced with support from LTI Korea. Please contact the LTI Korea Library for further information. library@klti.or.kr

Lessons for Mothers Written by Ven. Pomnyun

pp. 22-27

1 The Parent-Child Relationship

Arguments and conflicts between you and your husband when it’s just the two of you are not a big deal, but it’s a different story once you decide to have a child. From this point on, you need to be more understanding and considerate of each other. You need to be particularly careful from conception, during pregnancy, until the child is three years old. After age 3, the power of education is demonstrated. How children perceive is just as important as how their parents teach. However, before that, a child’s character is shaped by external forces, so they are not responsible for their behavior. It is the parents who are liable. Therefore, a mother needs to be at peace, and the marriage must be harmonious. If your child is demonstrating a problem, think back to when your baby was born,. You were probably fighting with your spouse at the time and felt that the relationship could not go on. This negativity affected your child’s emotions and will resurface during the teenage years as problematic behavior. From a bodily point of view, the time before conception is a mother’s past life, and afterwards is her present life. In terms of mentality, however, the present life starts at the age of three, and before that is the past life. This is because children younger than three are not self-aware. No matter how hard we try, we cannot remember anything before we were three years old. It is our past life because we do not remember it and because the events transpired before the self was established.

Each child reacts differently to the same kind of education. The same training is not received the same way because every child’s self is different. “An onion cannot grow into a rose.” A child’s self is determined before age three. Particularly, the attitude of the parents at the time of conception is critical. Your mood changes many times each day. Sometimes you are an angel, and other times a devil. Vicious like a serpent, or beaming with a smile. You are captivated by the bliss of heaven and the agony of hell. Thus, your condition at the time of conception determines your child’s nature. We know that out of tens of millions of sperm only one will unite with the egg. The sperm that is in accordance with your mood at the time will be the one to fertilize the egg. That is why noble families in the past prayed, waited for an auspicious day and time, and cleansed themselves before intercourse. Having a baby was not just sex, but a major event in life. Back then, the couple prepared for the baby by finding peace through body and mind. What happens if a man meets a woman driven by desire, or a woman meets a man greedy to trap her in marriage, or if the baby is conceived as a result of carnal pleasure alone? Children who are born without this preparation are fundamentally different than children conceived by parents who prayed earnestly. Not everyone has a baby immediately after getting married. Many couples have a difficult time before successfully giving birth. Once, a woman who had numerous miscarriages consulted me. “I became pregnant a month after getting married, but not long after I had a miscarriage. My second pregnancy was at risk too, so I rested for three weeks, but in the end it went wrong as well. It’s been a year since then. I’m afraid to get pregnant again, but I feel at peace since I started doing the 108 Buddhist prayers. I would like to start a 100-day prayer session. How should I continue after I get pregnant?”

There are many women who have suffered a miscarriage. At first, the pregnancy brings great joy, but in the end it leaves the mother shocked and afraid. But this is not a big problem if you look at it in terms of the law of relationships. A miscarriage occurs because it is not good for the baby to be born under current conditions. Thus, it is an opportunity for a mother to calmly prepare herself. “I worried a lot because after ten years of marriage I still didn’t have a baby. But then I started giving thanks because I remembered you saying ‘Understand that not having a child is bliss from Buddha.’ Ironically, I recently became pregnant. Now I am very happy that my heart is at peace at the same time.” When your heart is at peace, both you and the child will be happy. As a mother, you must prepare before having a child. If you are nervous, you will have a bad influence on your child—if you manage to have one. Those who plan to be mothers need to find peace and steady their hearts against the world.

pp. 33-37 From Birth to Three Years Old: The Time of Devotion

The younger your children are, the more you must do for them as a mother. Even when they poop during dinner or pee at 2 a.m., you change their diapers without judgmental thoughts like, “What are you doing wetting your diaper at two in the morning?” or “How rude are you to poop during a meal?” Good mothers put their children first in thought and action. This is love. Your absolute preoccupation is subsequently transferred to your children, shaping character into consciousness. Among human characteristics, consciousness is the first to form. Trust and altruism develop as the child receives his or her mother’s love. This is when humanism is formed. A mother’s unconditional love is learned and manifested in her child’s consciousness, morals, and humanity. When babies are born, they are like a blank sheet of paper. If they hear the Korean language, that is what they will naturally speak. If they hear English or French or Japanese, they will speak those instead. If they are placed among pigs or wolves, they will imitate them. Just because children are born physically human does not mean they will mature into human beings. Only when they are raised among humans, and form a human personality, will they become human beings. It takes about three years for what a child has seen and heard to be imprinted and processed into a basic personality. “What is learned in the cradle is carried to the tomb.” The formation of karma during infancy becomes personality. When a child sees the same mother and father together as he grows up, he understands that it is a normal for one man and one woman to be paired as a married couple. Had he seen one man living with multiple women,

he would have taken this as the norm. Likewise, if he grew up with one woman and many men, then this becomes the norm. What we consider right or wrong, the idea of ethics and morality, depends on what we observe as children. What is seen is remembered and applied as a standard. Personality is learned through imitation. During the first three years of life, filial imprinting is stamped onto the child’s behavior. During this critical period during which the self is established, the mother must raise the child herself. Only then can you call him or her your child. If someone else raises the child, that person becomes his or her mother and the child will imitate the person who raised him or her. For your child to have an upright heart, you must devote yourself to the child, and be at ease throughout. Then what role does the father play? He is secondary. His job is to take care of the mother so that she can be at ease. If the mother-in-law wants her grandchild to do well, she needs to be nice to her daughter-in-law, since this influences her grandchild by proxy. In the end, the mother is primarily responsible for her child. No matter what the mother-in-law or husband is like, as long as the mother takes good care of her child, the child will grow up without problems. If a child grows up without a father and becomes a trouble maker, it is not due to the lack of paternal influence, but to the mother’s anxiety as a result of her husband’s absence. During the first three years of a child’s life, the mother’s love is absolutely necessary. Your child’s life is determined by how devoted you are during this period.

pp. 38-43 Motherhood and Your Career

Many women return to their jobs after they find someone to care for their child. Once a woman’s career is interrupted, it is difficult to find a position again, and financial difficulties force her back into the workforce. The children of working mothers seem to be OK when the children are young, but as they become teenagers, problems become visible. By this time, the mothers quit their jobs to commit more attention to their kids, but it’s too late. Since the mother abandoned her child in favor of work when the child needed her the most and now tries to control her child who does not need her, conflicts arise. “A stitch in time saves nine,” but a full sewing machine will not be enough to mend this tear. Every child has the right to grow up in his or her mother’s embrace. But working mothers hand their children over to others when they are barely two or three months old. This is denying the child’s right to be loved and protected by his or her mother. Do children prefer to be raised by their grandmothers or by their own mothers? Of course, by their own mothers. Money cannot buy mothers. Children have the right to be protected and loved by their mothers, and mothers have full responsibility for their children. Otherwise, it will be difficult for the children to live happily. If children fail to become self-reliant, the parents must pay the price until they die. Children used to grow up fine even when their mothers left them on the side of the bean field as they worked. Even when there were seven or eight children in the family, they all grew up fine. Why? It was because they had their mother’s love. They grew up watching their mother working for them without rest. But children who grow up without being able to see their mothers are different. They are afraid in their hearts. That’s why children need to be

raised by their parents, either by their mother or father—to feel safe inside. Children feel anxious if their caretaker changes from one person to another. Clothing your children with nice outfits, sending them to private schools, and getting them tutors are not important. It’s not like newborn babies understand that they’re wearing nice clothes anyway. It is the parents’ ignorance to mistake this for love. Whether it is because of money or self-realization, many mothers confess feeling doubts about their careers. “I worked for more than 20 years, and I did fairly well as a mother of two children. But now that both of my kids are teenagers, they fight more often, and even my husband spends more time drinking with his co-workers than committing to the family. Housework and problems with the kids are all left to me, which is unfair. But both my husband and children complain that they are stressed out because of me. I understand that I’m sensitive and try to do things perfectly; that I may make it difficult for the people around me. I want to leave everything behind, but I’m concerned about my children and I don’t have the courage to actually do it. It’s draining me.” Perhaps the mothers who complain like this are excellent at their jobs, but they feel empty because they failed at their role in the family. They feel like their husbands and children do not appreciate them even though they’ve worked hard for the family. They feel wronged and furious, so they shed tears. But they’re making a mistake. Your career is your personal business, not the problem of your husband and children. It is actually your selfish desire to prove yourself, even though you say you are working for the family. In reality, you are working only for money. If you truly love your children, you should raise them yourself until they reach the age of three, even if the family has to live in a tent. Mothers should be devoted, thinking, “I’ll be fully responsible for raising my

children myself, even at the cost of a smaller apartment.” You cannot be a mother to your children if you’re too busy working to actually look after them. Then you’re just someone who pays the bills. Sure, you did a good job buying clothing and toys, but you forgot the most important thing. You didn’t hold and care for your child. How then can a mother expect her children to love her when she has left them in the arms of a babysitter? She shouldn’t be surprised that her children are causing trouble and not treating her nicely after all this time of leaving them to others while pursuing her own selfish ambition. In many families, the father is left out. Who do the children side with when their parents are fighting? The mother. It is because children have poor judgment and think that it is the person who loves them and spends the most time with them who is always right. When the mother does not look after her children when they need her, they will not appreciate her. Neither will her husband. In the end she is left all alone, feeling wronged for all the years of hard work at her job. Most marital conflicts begin with the husband coming home late after working late. What does the husband say when his wife complains? “I gave you the money. I’m paying the bills.” In other words, the husband thinks that he has fulfilled his responsibility as head of the family if he works and brings the money home. It is no different when a woman argues that she has supported the household economy with her job. But working and making money are not her motherly duty. The husband needs a wife, and the children need a mother. They do not need someone who goes to work and makes money. A mother is wrong to seek appreciation with the argument that she has been working hard at her job for the family. I’m not saying that you should give up your career, but if you want to work, you need to consider the age of your children. If they are in preschool, you should put aside your social activities or at least reduce your hours to make your child the priority. If your child is in

primary school, you should talk with him. Here, talking does not mean giving excuses, but having a conversation. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I need to work now. What do you think? You have your life, and I have mine. Your job is to study, mine is to work.â&#x20AC;? Be careful not to seek permission from your child. Some parents ask for permission. This attitude of serving your child as your superior and asking for permission becomes problematic in the future. Make decisions on your own, but ask for your childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s understanding. When the child enters middle school, there is no need to give him or her as much attention as before. It is better to reduce your influence and love your children by stepping aside to watch them do what they want. Even as she pursues her career, a wise mother sets different priorities depending on the age of her children.

pp. 44-49 We Need Maternity Leave for Three Years

The first three years of life is the most critical period for a child. I often reprimand working mothers, saying “What’s so important about your career? How can you abandon your child and just do as you wish?” Still, I understand them just the same. When the baby comes, the father continues his career, getting promoted and also fulfilling his parental role. Of course, the mother wants the same thing. So she argues, “Why do I need to sacrifice my career?” But what can you do? If you fight over things like this, your children will suffer. Besides, the karma of having abandoned the child returns to the mother as suffering when the child is grown up. That is why I advocate children’s rights, in order to prevent future problems for both the mother and child. In terms of training, you can resolve the problem through self-denial. You cannot, however, do this socially. Also, in terms of training, you ought to accept and embrace it even if your husband cheats on you. Hatred only hurts you. If this is difficult, then you should just separate. It is different if you look at it in terms of institutions. We need to have an institution that penalizes the husband if he has an affair, but we do not always live according to the system. It is important to liberate yourself from suffering regardless of the situation and conditions you are in. That’s why forgiving and accepting are beneficial in terms of training. It is good to set aside your greed and be more responsible with your children. Institutions are not easily changed, and you cannot blame the system while your child is growing up. Do not mistakenly believe that Buddhism places responsibility on individuals alone. Buddha taught self-denial on the one hand, and making a better world on the other. You need to train yourself, address child-rearing issues, and change the institutions. Raise

your child yourself for the first three years whatever the cost. This is my advice to spare you from suffering. If we were to make a social institution do this, maternity leave for three years would be the solution. When a mother raises her child well, it becomes an important human resource. Therefore, it is right for the government to give mothers three years of paid leave. If this is burdensome, the government can pay half the salary, or give one year of paid leave with two years of unpaid leave. In any case, the government needs to guarantee maternity leave for three years. If this is not possible, the government needs to prepare childcare facilities so mothers can go to work with their children. Companies should also accommodate mothers to work at home. Nowadays, most work is done on the computer, so companies should allow mothers to work at home while taking care of their children. Recently, dropping birthrates are a social issue. Many people are not having children because raising them is difficult when they are already busy making a living. When the birthrate drops, society experiences reduced growth, which becomes an economic issue. Those children who are born end up being psychologically unstable because their parents entrust them to others. Children that grow up under such circumstances are more likely to be depressed and commit suicide. The children are psychologically unstable because they are weak. Pressuring them to study pushes them too hard. These systematic problems in childrearing are damaging the soundness of society. We need to have paid maternity leave so parents can take care of their children. Just as primary school is free, the government needs to expand free education to middle and high school. This is the path to a welfare society. Some people think it is a waste of money, but that is not true. When people are happy

they have pride in their society, and productivity increases. In the past, Korean people believed that you needed to be hungry to work hard, and when you were no longer hungry, you would not work hard. This is the â&#x20AC;&#x153;hungry mindset.â&#x20AC;? But we no longer think that way. We do not work because we are poor or because we are hungry. When the government creates welfare programs for people to work without having to worry, our society can step up to the next level. Regardless of what the childcare policy is, the mother needs to take care of her child herself for the first three years, no matter what it takes. If you have no choice but to work, take your child with you on your back. There is no reason to be embarrassed about it. If the company does not accommodate this, then you need to fight. You are demanding your rights and asking for change. In reality, however, it is difficult for mothers to change institutions when they are so busy just raising their kids. Besides, you cannot raise them properly if you are preoccupied with the fight. Also, if you are caring for children you should not have anger in your heart because that negative mindset will be conveyed to your children. Therefore, it is advisable that older mothers and single women endeavor to change the system instead of those who presently have young children. Society must not think that hiring women is less effective because the companies need to pay for three years of maternity leave. They and their children are all members of society. We need to discuss this issue at the national level and try to implement this on an institutional level. It is short-sighted to calculate value based solely on economic efficiency. There is no economic investment better than raising children properly. When a child does not grow up properly, it causes problems in society. The time, money, and effort to fix them are much greater in the end. Juvenile delinquency can lead to crimes which develop into social

problems. There is nothing more important for society than three years of maternity leave.

pp. 50-55 From Three Years Old to Primary School: Children Imitate Their Parents

Until your child is three years old, child rearing should take priority over everything else. Afterwards, it is better to prioritize your spouse, which is also good for your child. No matter what, a husband needs to give priority to his wife, and a wife to her husband. The children are secondary. This means moving with your husband when he is relocated for work. Some parents live apart for their childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s schooling, but this is not helpful in the end. If the parents set each other at the center, the children grow up without problems even if they have to change schools a dozen times. If the child is indulged as the center of the family, and the parents separate for his or her sake, the child is bound to go wrong in the end no matter how well you treat him or her. This is because children are most affected by the overall happiness of the family. No matter how good the parents provide for their children, nothing can compare to the happiness of the family. When the parents have a loving relationship, the children feel at ease and find the strength to do anything. After making a peaceful family, you need to look at the world around you. You need to love your neighborsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; children as you love your own, and respect your neighborsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; parents as you respect your own parents. Then your life becomes richer and your children learn from you. When you disrespect your parents and love only your children, they are bound to disrespect you later on. If you respect your parents, your children learn from you without being taught. For children to be polite, the wife needs to be polite to her husband. While men and

women are equal in marriage, the wife needs to be cautious in her behavior because she is a model for her children. When she eats, the children eat, when she curses, the children curse, when she has a temper, the children have a temper, and when she is hateful, the children are hateful. It does not make sense to say “don’t do what I do” as you are doing it. Young children are most influenced by their mothers and learn through imitation. Just like DNA, your personality is transferred to your children. So when you notice a problem in children, do not blame them, blame yourself. Children between three years old and primary school are quick to learn, and do so subconsciously. There is a reason why Indian people are amazing drivers. From the ages of five and six, they almost live in the car that their fathers drive. As a result, they know all the streets and distances between places. Since children learn by imitating their parents, you must be a good role model and teach by example. Clean the house and fold the laundry with them. If you need to hammer nails, make them hold the nail box. If you need to wash the floor, make them hold the mop. This is learning. You don’t need to make them work; teach them by showing. What kind of trouble will children get into once they are out in the world if they are trained like this at home? It is because you raise your children like cute puppies that they behave like puppies and are incapable of doing what they’re supposed to. Then you scold them for not listening or being able to clean their own rooms. You need to be prepared to teach the same lesson many times. Some mothers become frustrated and angry when the children do not do well. Sometimes I notice mothers fighting with their small children on the street. This is not the proper attitude of a mother. Mothers should not be angry with their children. They should be patient and show themselves as good models to imitate. For children to have self-confidence, mothers must be free from anxiety. Sometimes

confidence is confused with showing off or arrogance, when in reality humility is a sign of confidence, and arrogance is a manifestation of an inferiority complex. People wear designer brand products and makeup to conceal their anxiety. It is because they do not have confidence that they need to package themselves in superficial things. People become subservient when they pick up the servant’s habits, and confident when they pick up the master’s attitude. That’s why it is best to teach by example rather than telling your children what to do and not do. It’s no use to tell your children not to curse while their father is cursing. When a father comes home late and tells his children to be home early, they will come home late on the days when their father is not home yet. That is because they learned from him that it is OK to do so. If the father is a drinker, the children will naturally become drinkers even though they are determined not to repeat their father’s example. When the parents fight, the children will decide not to fight with their spouses, but when they are grown up, they will end up fighting. When the parents get divorced, the children decide not to get divorced themselves, but they will naturally get divorced when they have marital discord. The heart does not always agree with the brain. It moves according to training and habits. No matter how much you plan, things do not happen as you wish. It is because our actions come from the unconscious. Children from three years old to primary school imitate their parents and learn language, behavior, and habits. Therefore, parents need to reflect and act appropriately. Spending a lot of money on cram schools and afternoon activities like piano lessons or taekwondo are not important. Parents must be aware that developing a sound mind through a peaceful family is the best education.

pp. 56-63 Teenagers: Time of Observant Love

Korea used to be so poor that parents could not feed or educate their children. These days, Korean children are well fed and educated. The problem now is that they remain immature even after they become teenagers and enter college because their parents prevent them from developing independence by doing everything for them. What was love has now become harmful. This is the result of not understanding the nature of children or how to love. Teenagers have unique characteristics. Unlike small children, they have complex emotions and self-oriented thoughts. They doubt life and stop studying. Sometimes they contemplate death. They become emotional, and discover sex. The biggest characteristic of this phase is trying to do something on their own. So far, they have been learning through imitation by obeying their parents, but when they become teenagers they try to view the world through their own eyes and stand on their own two feet. Thus, the sense of self begins to develop. From the parents’ perspective, children may appear disobedient and rebellious. Early on the parents would say, “This is hot, don’t touch it,” and the children would listen. But now, even when the parents warn them, the children touch it anyway and get burned. Earlier, they did not know whether it was actually hot, but now they touch it themselves and learn through experience. Now they no longer simply learn through imitation, but by doing research and experiencing things as active agents. As they start dating, breaking up, and going through heartache, they learn about human relationships. All that parents can do during this phase is stand aside and watch. Their job is no longer to pick them up each time they fall, but just to watch as their children go through this period of individual growth through trial and error.

But sometimes simply watching may feel like you’re not being a good parent. You may feel anxious and it may even be painful. But you need to endure. If you intervene, your children will never be able to stand on their own. While parents think they are taking care of their children, the children feel oppressed. Parents suffer seeing their children struggle, and the children suffer from their parents’ oppression. You are hurting each other. For years, you have vigilantly watched over your child, but now you have to let her do things by herself. It will make things easier for you and for your children, who can now live as they wish. Parents are accustomed to taking care of their children, and that’s all they know even after they have grown up. Many parents fall into this trap. Parents in the past may not have been good caretakers, but they weren’t oppressive either. Parents today survived their teenage years without the intervention of their parents. It was not because their parents were experts in childcare, but because they could not spare the time to pay their children excessive attention. Because there was nobody to meddle in their lives, today’s parents naturally experienced the world on their own. Growing up independently, they dated, attended school, and found jobs on their own. But teenagers these days are babies in adult bodies because their parents have sheltered them so much. They cannot choose their own college, but attend the school selected by their parents. Parents today arrange marriages, buy houses, and find jobs for their kids. Later, when today’s teenagers grow up and have children of their own, it is still their parents who raise them, and again after they get divorced. Those that do not get married go on living with their parents as grown adults. Some parents even take care of their children after they are married. In this way, parents live their entire lives burdened by their child. This is not the fault of the children, but of the parents who didn’t leave them alone to develop independence;

instead, they stopped them when they had a date or prevented them from finding their own way. As a result, children are now weak, and parents will have to pay for it until they die. When parents hinder their child’s independence, they meet resistance. When parents intervene, children rebel, but just the same, they do not know how to take care of themselves. In the end, because they fail to become independent, they must rely on their parents. As a result, they are full of resentment. Wild animals separate from their parents after a certain period of time. What happens if they remain in the nest and continue to be fed? They fail to go out on their own, and if forced out, they end up coming back. This is because they never learned to survive on their own. Likewise, when parents shelter and protect their children, they end up carrying them on their shoulders until they die. So it is not necessarily bad if children have their own opinion and disobey their parents from time to time. As a parent, you must understand this. When your child is in middle school, start talking with him or her like equals. Do not use words as a means of persuasion or coercion, just talk. “You don’t like studying?” “I don’t.” “I didn’t like studying at your age either.” “Really?” “Sure.” Understand your child. It’s no fun just studying and taking tests. Look back at your own past as you talk with them. “Do you want to go to college?” “I don’t really want to.” “Then what do you want to do?”

If your child has something that she wants to do, open up a path for that. If she wants to go to college, talk about how best to do it. “Do you want to go to a big name college?” “Sure.” “Then you need to study and get good grades. Unless you do, you won’t be able to go to a good school. So you better give up that idea if you don’t want to study.” Rather than forcing your children to study, you need to have a conversation with them to find out what they want. If you force your own ideas onto your children they will resist. It is important to let your children make their own decisions. Parents should support them and give advice. Preventing them from doing what they want, even in the name of love, is obsession. If you do not care for them when they are young, they become ill, but if you intervene when they are grown up, they will rebel. So even when it is difficult for you, let your children experience the world during middle and high school. That is the true role of parents. Just watch them, and if the same problem persists three or four times, then give them advice. It is crucial that children use trial and error to learn something from their failures.

pp. 89-92 If You Care For Your Children, Respect Your Husband

One mother was worried about her middle schooler. The girl used to be well-behaved and studied hard, but as a teenager she became depressed and had anxiety. Later, she was diagnosed with ADHD. The mother said to me, “My husband is very considerate and loves our kids a lot. I am a little more passive, but I am patient. Perhaps my husband has ADHD too, since he is hot tempered. This personality did not work for me, so I reprimanded him in front of the kids. My husband got so angry. I didn’t understand him, but I stayed quiet. Anyhow, my husband and I tried to spend a lot of time with our daughter, didn’t nag her to study, and respected her, but she criticizes us for not respecting her. She tells me to stay out of her business. What should I do?” This mother claims to have supported her daughter and that her relationship with her husband was also good. But this does not appear to be true. It looks like she wants to say that her child has a problem and it is not her fault as a mother. She claims that she respects her daughter, so it is not her fault that this problem came to be. But when you examine it, it is actually the mother who is the problem. The fact that she scolded her husband in front of the children means that she lacks understanding. She is simply inconsiderate. If she knows that her husband is hot tempered, she just needs to leave him alone. It is foolish to aggravate her husband and say that he became angry because he is hot tempered. If she already knows this, she just needs to submit before problems arise. Being stressed out from her husband’s temper suggests that she is harboring some grudge in her heart. If her husband becomes angry, she needs to think, “I was inconsiderate. I did not understand him,” and repent. When you start blaming others by thinking, “He’s just

having a fit again,” and suppress your emotions, it becomes a big scar in your heart, and this has a bad influence on your children. Parents don’t have to physically fight to be a bad influence on their children. If the child is depressed, the mother is likely to share the same tendency. As a mother, you need to speak less and only say “Yes, I understand” when your husband says something. If you do not respond because your husband tells you to be quiet, you will only aggravate him more because he feels slighted. If your husband flies into a rage, it is because you are nagging and nitpicking or you are ignoring him, thus causing your husband to become infuriated. Even though the mother in the story may be nagging for the sake of her daughter, her daughter does not feel this affection. As a result, she believes that her mother is a nuisance. Then what needs to be done? For the sake of her daughter, the wife needs to learn to respect her husband. It is not the daughter who needs to be treated well, but her husband. I’m not saying that she needs to submit because she likes her husband or because he is nice to her. She needs to respect him for her daughter’s sake because a wife’s attitude towards her husband influences the children. You first need to change your mindset to have a positive effect on your child. It is better to leave the child alone no matter what she does. Of course, if she beats up other children or steals, the mother needs to stop this, but so long as she is not harming others it is best to leave her alone for a while. There is no need to scold her for a messy room or not studying because these actions do not harm others. However, you need to reprimand her if she causes damage or becomes an inconvenience to others. “Do whatever you want, but never cause harm to others in this world where we live together. You will be punished. It is not good for you or others.”

Set a strict guideline like this and then leave her alone. You need to make the child feel at ease and free from your suppression.

pp. 93-97 Troubles Arise When You Try to Control As You Wish

A mother of three once asked me for advice. “My second son was quiet and shy. His elder brother would go out to be with his friends, but my second son never went out. I would always say, ‘Don’t you have friends? Go out and play with them.’ But he never did. When he entered middle school, he got involved in school activities and began to hang out with friends a lot more the following year. About three weeks ago, four children bullied one other child. One of the bullies was my son. It looks like he has become friends with bad kids. What should I do?” If your child is quiet and does not actively make friends, you need to accept his personality as it is. But instead you nagged him to make friends. That would be your selfish desire. If a woman wants to date a man, but she is too passive, what kind of man will she date? She will not date a man who is quiet and passive like her. She will date the person who approaches her first. She will date an active man. But the men who aggressively hit on women are generally womanizers. Thus goes the saying, “It’s the quiet ones that you have to watch out for,” since it is the quiet woman who inevitably gets involved with men first. Likewise, the child in the story did not make friends because he was passive. Only when someone else initiated the relationship did he become involved. The first children to approach him were most likely to be unsavory. Because he was passive, he just followed the crowd while they bullied others. “My son is nice, but he just hung out with a bad group of friends.”

You should never say this. You will be criticized if you say it in the home the child who was bullied or the one who had his belongings taken. There is no point in thinking about how your son became a bully. Now you just need to decide what to do in the future. “Since my child is passive, it’s better for him to make friends and become social, even if he causes problem and gets in trouble.” If you think this way, do not scold him but do try to warn him. In other words, you need to tell him not to harm others by taking other people’s things or beating them up. Young men sometimes sexually harass women as a gang, so you need to warn your son never to do this, but don’t mention it again after. If you are concerned about problems continuing, you should move to a different place. Your son may rebel against you if you tell him to not see his friends anymore. The lonelier he is, the faster he will make new friends. In this case, you should move to another place. Parents must do anything for their children. You need to move before your child causes trouble and gets expelled. Of course, this doesn’t solve everything. Because your child is passive, he will not adjust to the new environment very well. You need to be prepared. All mothers want their children to be social and to get good grades while avoiding vices at the same time. But how can the child do well in school and make many friends, but stay away from bad kids? And even if they were to hang out with unsavory friends, not to get involved in trouble? He may be your son, but he is still an individual. Problems arise when you try to change him to fit your desires. If you get on his wrong side, he will rebel. Earlier, he had no other outlet, so he obeyed you. But now that he has friends, a new outlet, you need to be wise. Inner desires are like beans. Not all of them sprout. If they are hung from the ceiling, they will never sprout. To sprout they need to be planted in the ground and have enough

sunshine and water. But sprouts do not just come about with warmth and moisture. You need the bean in the first place. This is called karma. Direct and indirect causes come together to have a result, or karma. No matter the situation, the act of discarding bad beans out of oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own self is called training.. By training yourself, you can improve the situation so that the beans do not sprout even if there were seeds in yourself. It is your training, regardless of your child, that prevents suffering. Creating a new environment is to improve karma for your child, even if it is painful for you. This is the same logic that the mother of Mencius had when she moved her family three times to find the most suitable academic environment. If you think the environment ought to be changed, then you at least need to put that much effort in. Of course, the outcome does not always go as you hoped just because you put in effort. It is one out of 100, maybe. But you do it for your children. If you do nothing, will the child get better by himself? Never. But some mothers still take life too complacently, blaming their children, husbands, and the world when things donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t come out as they expected. But there is nothing that can be done if you just sit around and worry. Your grades suffer if you do not study, and you need to study hard instead of going to the spring flower festival. It is foolish to hope that nothing bad will happen even though you have sown seeds yourself. Now, you need to decide what to do for your children.

pp. 98-103 Learn To Get Along With People through Confrontation

Once, a mother asked me about her eight-year-old son. One day, the son got beat up while he was out. She was upset, but didn’t know if she should tell him to fight back or not. So I asked her “Would you prefer that he fight back, even if you have to compensate the other family? Or is it better to just get beat up because then you can make a complaint?” “I prefer that he fight back.” As children grow up, particularly boys, they fight with their friends from time to time. When their kids come home after getting beaten up, mothers feel like their children have been defeated by the world. “If he gets beaten up like this so early on, how will he survive in this fierce world?” That’s what they think. But then again, how badly can eight-year-olds really injure each other, even if they use their fists? And how serious were their intentions in the first place? “But even so, I would have liked my son to have fought back and beaten up the other kids, too. I told him to fight back, but my son was too tenderhearted to actually do it.” This mother is displeased that her son is so kind. But would it be better if he had no qualms about beating people up? It is not like a child will fight or not fight just because his mother tells him to do so. You need to consider how your child feels. If he comes home crying, you need to console him and say, “So you had a fight with your friend. I’m sorry. But sometimes you get into fights, so don’t take it to heart. Your friend must have had a bad day. He probably got scolded at home. Maybe that’s why. It’s not a big deal.” It is good to comfort him like this than to blow things out of proportion. Oftentimes, rough-housing among kids becomes a serious fight among adults because of angry mothers.

In the old days, there were many children in a family, and naturally they fought. So it goes with friends, too. As children fight, they learn to accommodate each other. The elder brother learns to be more accommodating after getting scolded by his mother for yelling at his younger brother, and the younger brother learns to be more accommodating after getting smacked by his older brother. But children these days don’t have any siblings and therefore lack consideration for others. As a result, they have a harder time than kids in the old days. In a way, it is normal for children to fight. They learn to be live with others through conflict. Children learn how to get along with others through conflict. So there is no need to take their fights too seriously. Instead, parents need to be more aware and avoid getting overly excited and causing even greater emotional damage to their children. There is nothing wrong with fighting itself. Whether your child gets into ten or a hundred fights, all that matters is whether he feels traumatized and develops a victim mentality. If this gets repressed, then he will desire revenge, and that is where the problems start. Now when he retaliates, the other child will really get hurt. On the other hand, when a child holds back his anger and feels victimized, he develops strong aggression towards his opponents and develops a distorted mentality. So you need to be careful that your child does not get scarred from fighting with his friends. “Fighting when you’re a child is not that serious. It’s OK. It’s like falling. So just brush it off and get back on your feet.” This is how you need to comfort him. I am not saying that it is OK to get beat up or that you should go out and get into a fight. Likewise, I am not saying it’s OK to beat up other children. All I am saying is that parents should not interfere. When they are young, children take their friends’ toys or have theirs taken by others. But as an adult, when you look back at your life, these things were irrelevant. Children

sometimes get into a fight when they are young, but when parents step in, the problem gets bigger. So parents should not place blame on their children or on their children’s friends. You should not say things like “Why do you go around getting beat up all the time? You’re stupid not to hit him back.” It’s even worse to take your child by the hand and make the fight bigger. Actions like this can make him into a problem child over insignificant issues. If your child gets beat up, don’t be emotional. Just listen to him. If you get overly emotional, saying, “Who did this to you? He is a bad boy” this will only support retaliation. Since the boy who hit him is a bad boy, he needs to be punished. This response teaches your children that we should take revenge when someone hurts us. It is better to comfort your child and say, “You must be upset, but things like this happen when you are young, so don’t worry.” Or you can bring your son to the other child’s house and make them reconcile by saying, “I heard you had a fight with my son. Why did you do that? I understand you can sometimes fight when you play together. Get along from now on.” Don’t plead and don’t scold. It is best to just make sure they reconcile, and then move on.