[sample translations]ven pomnyun, seunim eui jurye sa eng

Sample Translations

Ven. Pomnyun Sunim

Seunim-eui Jurye-sa E ng l i s h

Book Information

Seunim-eui Jurye-sa (스님의 주례사) Jungto Publishing corp. / 49 p.

For further information, please visit: http://library.klti.or.kr/node/772

This sample translation was produced with support from LTI Korea.

Please contact the LTI Korea Library for further information. library@klti.or.kr

Seunim-eui Jurye-sa Written by Ven. Pomnyun Sunim

p.8~19

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Preface To the brave souls who have decided to get married...

Many people come to me for advice on various issues, but marital problems are the most common. The marriage bond is the most intimate of relationships, so why do conflicts between spouses occur?

When couples get married they feel love for one another. Wouldn't it be great if such love lasted for one, two, even three decades?

In reality, after three years, three months or even days after returning from a honeymoon it is not uncommon to hear spouses grumbling about incompatibilities with their other halves.

There is a reason why marriage life is full of suffering.

What goes on inside your head when you want to get married? You go on many dates, you get into relationships, and regardless of whether you're a man or woman, you begin to weigh the pros and cons of your significant other.

Your frame of mind when doing so is to choose the most beneficial partner.

“How much money does this person have, what university did they attend, do they have a high social position, are they good looking…?”

We weigh all these factors when choosing a spouse.

If we're poor, we look for someone rich and if we're lonely, we look for someone who will comfort us. The starting point for such a relationship is selfishness. You will eventually pay the price if this is the basis of your relationship.

While I'm taking the measure of my partner, my partner is doing the same to me. A principle of life is that people expect their partner to offset their own shortcomings. Your partner will also have their own expectations of you.

Once a couple gets married and lives together for awhile, they realize that some of their marriage expectations will not be fulfilled.

Instead of focusing on the disappointment of your unfulfilled expectations, realize and try to accept that your partner is going through the same thing. In so doing, you can improve your relationship. It becomes easier to overcome disappointment when you accept that the problem lies in your high expectations rather than in your spouse alone.

Happiness does not come by itself just because you get married. Happiness has nothing to do with marriage. When people live by themselves they feel lonely, but when they live with someone they feel annoyed.

Get married when you don't feel lonely living alone and you don't feel annoyed living together.

The best-case scenario is for both husband and wife to engage in spiritual practice before marriage so that their union is one between two complete human beings. Such marriages are much more harmonious and don't shackle the parties to the union.

If you want to live according to your own whims you should live alone. Once you get married and live with your spouse, you have to align your life with theirs. When you have children you must take responsibility for them. Children take after their parents, so if you don't want them to take after your bad traits, you have to make an effort to change yourself.

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In this sense, husbands and wives must engage in spiritual practice ten times, a thousand times more intense than that required of monks who are unmarried and childless.

When you enter a marriage as a complete individual, you can offer help to your spouse. If you are complete, you won't expect anything from your spouse.

Because you don't have any expectations of them, you can understand them better and be a help to them.

If you approach marriage with a spirit of mercy and service, you could marry any passerby and live happily.

If you try to select a spouse with an eye to your own personal benefit, however, even after carefully winnowing through hundreds of potential spouses, you will end up selecting the worst possible person, to your regret.

Therefore, to have a happy marriage you must abandon your desire to benefit from your spouse and clearly realize that 'losing is winning'.

Instead of a wedding gift, I give you this advice in celebration of your wedding and pray that you will keep it in mind.

Sept. 2010 Ven. Pomnyun Sunim Part 1. The Law of Karma for Meeting the “Optimal� Spouse

If you want to know about your past life look at how you are treated at present.

If you want to know about your next life look at how you act at present.

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from the Buddhist Scripture on Causes and Effects

If You Want to Fall in Love With Someone You Can Lean On...

“Marriage is the meeting of two halves.”

People commonly think of marriage in this way. You can often hear people refer to their spouses as their “other half’.” But if you join two halves together, there is still a crack in the middle. Although the whole looks like it is an integrated body, in actuality it is just two halves stuck together because a crack still exists in the middle.

Often when we feel lonely or find ourselves in difficulty, we look for someone to lean on. If I rely on someone out of personal weakness, I will come to rely on them repeatedly. If I rely on someone to fill my loneliness, my happiness can never be complete. And if that someone leaves, I will once again become half of the whole.

But you must strive to be complete even in the absence of others. You must become a self-contained whole so that when two wholes join together, you will become one body as there is no crack down the middle. Even if one side leaves, you will still be whole.

You must be able to stand on your own without leaning on anyone else. Does this mean that if you can stand on your own you don't need othres? Not at all. If I'm a complete individual, I don't expect anything from others and can understand others better. I can provide help when others need it.

In general, those who seek others for comfort in difficulty end up in relationships with much older partners. In couples with large age gaps, the older partner accepts and shelters the younger partner no matter what they do. This relationship dynamic can occur in similarlyaged couples where one person is more mature than the other.

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Although the younger partner can depend on their older partner throughout their lives, they will always be in a subordinate position. Will an older partner be more likely to listen to or ignore their younger partner? The latter is more likely. Although the older partner can provide protection and solace when their younger partner is in difficulty, they will never be able to have a real conversation between equals. One side will always be subordinate in the relationship.

When you're younger, having a partner who cares for you can be very appealing, but as you get older, you will want to have deep conversations. Communication tends to be difficult when large age differences exist, however. When you choose a spouse who is much older than yourself, you have to keep this in mind. If your husband is much older than you are, he will be more of a father figure than a friend. If you expect him to be a friend, you may run into trouble.

The best-case scenario is for both husband and wife to engage in spiritual practice so that their marriage is a meeting of two complete individuals. Relationships between such individuals are much smoother as enlightened husbands and wives don't shackle each other.

In most marriages, however, husband and wife stifle one another. After marriage, people don't meet their friends or go out drinking as often and sometimes give up their hobbies. This is a sign that their marriage started off on the wrong foot.

If a marriage begins as a solution to loneliness, it soon becomes stifling and annoying to both parties. Annoyance leads to divorce, and divorce leads to loneliness once again.

Loneliness causes people to find someone to fill the void in their hearts and to live with someone, but eventually they feel annoyed once again and don't know what to do. This is neither good nor bad -- it is simply an operating principle of the human heart. We must act with knowledge of this principle.

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Even with such self-knowledge, sometimes you will feel yourself wanting to lean on another. It is your karma to have this feeling, so there's nothing you can do about it. What is important is that you do not get caught up in this feeling. You must not indulge this impulse.

If you follow this feeling to its conclusion, you will place yourself in bondage.

Because this feeling appears on its own, avoiding your fate isn't as easy as just telling yourself, “I will not lean on anyone else.” As this feeling rises up from your unconscious, you cannot order it around at will.

When the feeling occurs, you should observe it. You must realize that following this feeling will cause you to limit yourself.

A house is a place of comfort and protection, but at the same time it can also be a prison. Parents care for their children, but at the same time, they can nag their children horribly.

<Illustration caption p.15> Loneliness is not determined by whether one '”lives with someone or lives alone.”. If you close the door to your heart, you will feel lonely.

In this way, a house can possess a dual personality. If you tire of a prison-like house and leave home, you will become a wanderer. When you tire of wandering and feel lonely, you will return home. When living at home, you have to be cognizant of others, which can become tiresome. When you're fed up with this you will once again leave home and return when you feel lonely once more.

This illustrates man's life of inconstancy. When you're alone you feel lonely, but when you live with someone you feel annoyed. Problems are present no matter which option you choose. To be unaffected by conditions means that you do not feel lonely when living alone and do not feel annoyed when living with someone.

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When you become a whole individual this will be so. If you don't expect anything from others, you will have nothing to be annoyed about. If you don't feel that you are lacking, you won't expect anything from others. You will enjoy freedom of choice because it won't matter whether you live alone or with others.

You must observe yourself carefully. If you notice that you are the kind of person who depends on others, you can either accept your karma or make an effort to solve your problems on your own instead of seeking out the company of others when you feel lonely.

Carefully observe yourself and ponder the question, “Where does loneliness come from?”

Loneliness arises when you close your heart. Loneliness is not necessarily caused by the absence of someone next to you. A feuding husband and wife may feel lonely despite sharing the same bed. In contrast, a monk may live alone for ten years deep in the mountains without ever feeling lonely.

Loneliness is not determined by whether one “lives with someone or lives alone.” If you close the door to your heart, you will feel lonely. Consider that despite living in an environment teeming with people, many of us still feel lonely.

On the other hand, a monk who opens his heart will never feel lonely despite living alone deep in the mountains. The grasshoppers, birds, squirrels, and stars in the night sky become his friends. If you keep your eyes open, you can see things even at night. But if you squeeze them shut, you can't see anything even in broad daylight.

Someone who complains of loneliness is like someone who closes his eyes under the sun and bemoans the darkness. You feel lonely because you've closed the door to your own heart. If you come to this realization and escape from loneliness on your own, you will no longer seek out others to cure it.

When we're poor, we often look for someone rich and when we're lonely, we look for someone who will comfort us. This is selfish, is it not? If you begin a relationship out of

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selfishness you will eventually pay the price. Perhaps this is life. When we make selfish choices, we should be cognizant of the karmic costs. Problems arise when we make choices without regard for the consequences.

When we become aware that our disappointment in others stems from our high expectations of them, it becomes easier to overcome.

“Please help me meet a good husband (wife).”

Instead of offering up such prayers, you should first engage in spiritual practice. This will give you the strength to stand on your own.

I'm not telling you whether you should get married or remain single. If you're married, you should strive to achieve a happy marriage and if you're single, you should strive to achieve a happy single life.

Happiness isn't correlated with marriage per se. People are constantly conflicted because they feel lonely when they remain single but when they live with someone they feel annoyed. You must carefully observe these feelings.

Will Marrying a “Good Catch” Make You Happy?

Everyone wants to have a relationship with someone possessing desirable traits. Most people are thrilled when they get involved with someone who satisfies various conditions. A woman who marries a desirable man is described as having made a “good catch.” People around her will whisper, "She's nothing special but she sure picked a good husband." What do you think those associated with the husband's family will say? "It's such a shame that a fine man like him got married to the likes of her." From the outset there is cognitive dissonance.

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Once the woman is married to a desirable husband and lives with him for a while, she may find that her “good catch” is a cause of suffering. If a man is good-looking, wealthy, and cultured, he will be the object of not only his wife's attentions but also that of other women as well.

Women are attracted to a desirable man regardless of whether he is married or not.

This can be the source of much suffering. The more desirable your husband, the more attention he will receive from other women.

p.56~57 The Dilemma of Marriage Fortune-Telling

There can be various reasons for parents to oppose a wedding. Although objections based on economic reasons are quite common, in some cases parents oppose a wedding based on the advice of fortune-tellers. Parents become uneasy when they hear that their son or daughter's spousal choice is unsuitable. Even the couple themselves are sometimes unnerved by such news.

Fortune-telling isn't the problem, however. Whether or not fortune-telling is good or bad is hardly important. No matter how good the fortune, if you don't like your spouse, you can get divorced. Likewise, no matter how bad the fortune, if you really love your spouse you will stay with them.

How bad can a bad fortune be? Suppose that you stay married for a week and then fall in love with some other woman. How should you view the situation? A healthy perspective would be, “being married for a week was great.”

You spent one week living with someone you love -- could anything be better? There are people in this world who secretly love someone but are never able to express their love,

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let alone live with their beloved. How happy, then, the person who spends even a week living with their beloved!

What constitutes â&#x20AC;&#x153;bad fortuneâ&#x20AC;?? A spouse who doesn't earn much money? A spouse who is unfaithful? What, exactly, is the basis for bad fortune?

If you have your own definite outlook on life, something as trivial as this will not affect you. For example, if I go to Afghanistan as an aid worker, my chances of dying prematurely will be higher than if I had just stayed in Korea. In Afghanistan, my bus might flip over, I might catch a disease, I might be kidnapped or killed, or otherwise harmed. It will be hard to find a peaceful death if I run into trouble there. My chance of dying in a foreign land is higher than it would be for most people because I take international flights 10 to 20 times more frequently than the average Korean. During my travels, I spend much of my time in cars, so my chance of getting into a car accident is also higher than average. Due to a busy schedule, I often neglect my health while rushing to various engagements, so my chance of getting sick is higher than average.

This isn't a problem, however, because I engage in these activities while fully aware of the risks. If the risks deeply trouble me, I can simply refrain from risky actions. Certainly no one from Afghanistan requested my presence. If I go there, I am going of my own accord.

Happiness or unhappiness depends on our choice of mindset. I suggest that you view your life as being enjoyable and like a game. Whenever this is possible, it will help make your life happier.

There was a mother who visited a fortune-teller just before her daughter's wedding.The fortune-teller said that the groom wasn't a good match and that her daughter would die if she got married. Another fortune-teller, however, said that the match was a good one. The mother was confused by the conflicting fortunes.

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p.82~98 Putting One's Best Foot Forward and Petty Deception

When sizing up a marriage partner, people consider many different factors. First of all, is the person physically attractive? Would you feel comfortable walking arm-in-arm with this person in public? Someone who's sufficiently tall would be nice. But looks alone won't cut it.

One's marriage partner must be eloquent and a good breadwinner. Who wants to marry someone good-looking but penniless? But that's not all -- the person must also be cultured, have graduated from a good university, and have a bit of social status. What about personality?

A person with a bad personality is unacceptable, right? So your ideal marriage partner must possess all these traits, plus a good personality, and love you exclusively. People use these criteria to winnow through potential marriage partners.

Let's consider the process of choosing friends. “Is this person loyal?” This is the sole criterion used when choosing a friend. We don't care whether a friend is good-looking or hideous, rich or poor.

When people look for a business partner, they ask themselves, “Is this person trustworthy?” We're not concerned about whether a business partner has a good or bad personality. If they have the ability to avoid business losses and are trustworthy, that is sufficient.

Then why do people look at so many different criteria in a marriage partner?

The

reason is that people want to make the perfect catch and benefit themselves for the rest of their lives. Although most people believe they marry for love, that is a fallacy. If people look into their hearts, they will find a surfeit of greed.

Young people today sometimes say that they '”fell in love at first sight,” but the real meaning of this phrase is that their romantic partner appeared to satisfy all of their selection

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criteria. No one ever says that they "fell in love at first sight" with a penniless amputee missing one eye. People usually "fall in love at first sight" with someone who outwardly looks like a prince or princess.

Marriages that result from "love at first sight" don't last long. The divorce rate in such marriages is much higher than in marriages where husband and wife grow on each other over time. Why is this so? When you "fall in love at first sight," you are dazzled by your partner's superficial appearance. This means that your expectations of them will be high. But as time passes, your high expectations will remain unfulfilled and cause disappointment.

While you are still dating, ponder the following. If a woman thinks she is lacking in the beauty department, what does she do? Before going on a date, she will receive a facial massage and apply makeup. In some sense, she is trying to mask her deficiencies. Of course, she will also get her hair done. She will wear her most charming outfit or borrow suitable clothes from a friend. She will be dressed to the nines. If she's short, she will wear heels to compensate. But that's not all. Korean women will try to act more demure while Korean men will try to act more dignified while on a date.

When going on a matchmaking date, Korean men and women frequently meet at fancy hotel bistros even if they can't afford the expense, whereas when they meet their friends for coffee they just meet at the corner coffee shop. It's important for them to seem impressive to a potential spouse. This is a mild form of deception. If you present yourself as you are, it will be very hard to satisfy the sky-high expectations of your date. People therefore use mild deception to satisfy such expectations.

We all know that professional matchmakers frequently lie about potential brides and grooms, right? This is not necessarily a bad thing. If a matchmaker always told the unalloyed truth, it would be almost impossible to make any matches. If someone has only graduated from high school, then the matchmaker will present them as a junior college graduate, and if

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someone is a junior college grad, they will be presented as a university grad. Likewise, a university grad will be presented as having attended at least a few years of graduate school.

Through such credential inflation, matchmakers are able to satisfy unrealistic expectations on both sides. Most people want to meet a marriage partner who is more accomplished than they are.

Even though men wear suits and women wear pretty dresses to matchmaking dates, they don't get dressed up with the express purpose of deceiving the other party. Both men and women know the drill, yet they allow themselves to be fooled. Although one side knows they are misrepresenting themselves, they allow themselves to be fooled by the misrepresentations of the other party.

What happens when two people who have deceived each other get married? Each person enters the marriage with certain expectations that collapse in the face of the reality of married life. You can't wear high heels 24/7, and eventually have to take them off. You can't keep makeup on indefinitely, and eventually have to wash your face. You can't wear fancy and colorful clothes every day. You can't go out to eat at fancy restaurants every day.

Sometimes you have to eat Korean bean paste soup at home. During the courting phase, women act more demure while men act more dignified, but is this true after marriage? Are men really as dignified in everyday life as they made themselves out to be during courtship?

Are women really as demure in everyday life as they represented themselves during courtship?

Of course not. That's why Korean husbands and wives often say after marriage: “I must have been blind.”

Husbands and wives pull the wool over each others' eyes before marriage. But once they’re married, the makeup comes off, the coiffed-hair comes down, the heels and clothes come off, one's true personality comes out, and one's pockets empty out. What do you think?

It's quite different from what you imagined, isn't it? Although you hoped to benefit from your

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spouse, you realize that there's not much there. That's when you might think to yourself, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh man, I shouldn't have gotten married.â&#x20AC;?

This is how couples lose faith in each other and how marital trust starts to break down.

Conflicts gradually increase.

But each person still keeps their hopes alive while saying to themselves, "It's still early in the marriage, things will get better over time."

Then the baby comes. Once you have a baby, life becomes hectic and you just go through the motions without time to think. Time just seems to disappear.

If a couple in conflict has a child, the child will face many problems. Within the first ten years of most marriages, wives who are not satisfied with their husbands either learn to accommodate their spouse or get divorced. But that is hardly the end of a wife's travails because her child will soon enter adolescence and prove much more problematic than her husband ever was. At that point, she will start complaining about her teenage child instead of her husband while bemoaning her fate.

There is a reason why suffering never ends in such a life. The reason is greed. On the basis of greed, people select a marriage partner, but if this greed is not satisfied people suffer from dissatisfaction. This mindset gets transferred to your children, causing them to grow up unstably. This kind of marriage, rather than being a harmonious union, is a transaction in which you try to get as much benefit as possible out of your partner.

If you are poor but marry a wealthy man, or you want to marry a man with much higher academic credentials than your own, you must be prepared to live subordinate to your husband. If you marry such a person, you may live in opulence in an exclusive neighborhood but you will also have to arrange your life around that of your husband.

On the other hand, if you earn more money than your husband and support your household on your income, you may complain about your spouse's earning power but at least

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you'll be able to act as you please at home. Every situation has its pros and cons. Therefore, it doesn't matter whom you marry.

<Illustration Caption p.87> There is a reason why suffering never ends in such a life. The reason is greed.

15 However, before you choose whom to marry you must first determine your goals in life and decide what you are willing to give up in order to obtain that which you must have.

“Sure, I can live subordinate to my husband because living the good life is more important to me.” If this is your decision, then live accordingly. But another person might say to themselves, “I cannot live subordinate to my husband, even if he is a billionaire. I want to be the master of my household.” If this is your decision, then you must make a different choice of spouse. In the latter case, you might select a husband five to ten years younger than yourself who is amenable to living with a strong woman. But keep in mind that you will also have to work for a living and that your financial security in old age won't be guaranteed.

You must keep in mind that all choices have consequences. The greater your desire, the higher karmic cost you will have to pay.

Bear in mind that those who enjoy abundance yet try to amass more will suffer; try to reduce your desire to benefit from others.

Love isn't all it's cracked up to be

If you are naively unaware of the principle that marriages are often unions of personal interest, you will keep demanding love from your spouse. If your spouse doesn't reciprocate your love to the same degree, you will suffer from resentment. If you are aware of this marriage principle, however, you can avoid suffering. This is why it is important to understand the reality of your marriage relationship.

It is perfectly acceptable for a marriage to be a union of personal interests. Business partners create enterprises together due to shared interests. Because each person knows their partnership is a union of shared interests, they can coordinate the management of a joint business. They are able to work well together in part because they acknowledge that they met in the first place due to shared interests. Such partnerships divide profits accurately. As long as each partner receives a share of the profits in proportion to their contribution, all will be well.

But in most marriages, each side tries to get without giving. This causes marital conflict. Although marriage is the most intimate human relationship, why do marital conflicts occur so often? One reason is that although marriage is clearly a union of personal interests, most people do not acknowledge this fact and unconditionally demand love instead.

Truthfulness is being able to acknowledge that what we think is â&#x20AC;?loveâ&#x20AC;? is not love.

Once you acknowledge that marriage is a union of personal interests, you won't feel disappointed by your spouse. When you see your spouse approaching your marriage from the standpoint of their personal needs, you will no longer criticize them because you know that you are doing the same.

A business owner doesn't hire employees for the purpose of paying out more profits in the form of salaries. An owner hires employees so the business can make more money.

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Assume that without employees, the business owner can make $5,000 in revenue per day, but with one employee the owner can earn, say, $7,000 to $10,000 in daily revenue. In such a case, hiring extra help makes sense. Even after paying his employees' salary, the business owner will still make more money than otherwise. This is a very basic principle.

Employees work for others for a variety of reasons -- they don't have enough capital to start their own business or perhaps they lack the requisite experience or skill. They do not work for the business owner in order to give him more profit, they work for the owner out of their own personal interest.

This union of personal interests can be a win-win situation for all parties as long as everyone recognizes the relationship for what it is, understands their given role, and acts accordingly. I am not asking you to sacrifice your personal interest for anyone else. Human nature is to pursue personal interest and as long as people accept this fact, everything is fine.

<Illustration Caption p.91> The marriage bond is the most intimate of relationships, so why do conflicts between spouses occur? Although marriage is clearly a union of personal interests, most people do not acknowledge this fact and unconditionally demand love instead.

Again, let me repeat that it is fine for marriage to be based on a union of personal interests rather than based on love. The former type of marriage can be successful, too. Your marriage will be fine as long as you understand that you view your husband through the lens of self-interest just as he views you through his lens of self-interest.

But often people view their spouses through the lens of self-interest while demanding that their spouses view them through the lens of love. If your relationship with your spouse is one of self-interest, why should you expect them to selflessly dedicate themselves to you?

This expectation makes relaionships more complicated.

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Love must occur spontaneously, it cannot be forced. This is why I refrain from telling you to love your spouse. Wouldn't it be great if you could order yourself to love someone?

Love doesn't work like that, however.

“Tonight I must go home and love my husband.” With this determination alone, will you suddenly fall madly in love with your husband? Probably not. Instead, I encourage you to “observe yourself.”

“Do I possess a heart of selfishness? I do. All people are selfish.”

“My husband is selfish, too.”

“Am I sometimes attracted to other men besides my husband?”

“Is my husband sometimes attracted to other women besides me?” ”Although I'm sometimes interested in other men, I have no intention of being unfaithful to my husband. In the same way, although my husband is sometimes interested in other women, he has no intention of being unfaithful to me.”

You can learn to trust your partner by mirroring your own thoughts. You might contemplate the following: “I don't think of my husband constantly. I have been faithful to him in part because I haven't had the chance to meet other men. Instead of congratulating myself for my faithfulness, I should think about how I might act if I had the opportunity to be unfaithful.”

It's difficult to say how one would act in such a situation, isn't it?

If you have come this far, consider how you would react if you learned your husband had been unfaithful. You could get hopping mad or you could say to yourself, “He had a lucky opportunity to have an affair and he took it.”

If you look into your heart and that of your partner, you will be able to anticipate their thoughts, thus freeing you from the need to demand love from them in order to be happy. If

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you truly understand your spouse's heart, this is love, although you needn't name it as such.

Love is accepting and understanding your partner.

People commonly hold a mistaken view of “love.” Love without understanding is violence. If a man approaches a woman and forcibly hugs and kisses her, this is sexual harassment. But what if this man says our judgment is unfair and pleads his innocence in the following way: “Did I hit her? Did I steal her belongings? All I did was express my affection for her!” But the man's actions were violent because he acted according to his feelings without regard for hers. This causes the other person to suffer.

Similar incidents occur in families. When parents love their children without regard to how their children feel or when a spouse loves their partner without regard for the partner's feelings, this can cause suffering. Mothers often say, “I'm doing such-and-such for my children,” ignorant of the fact that they are causing their children to suffer and wives often say, “I'm doing such-and-such for my husband,” without knowing that they are causing their husbands to suffer. Although your intentions may be good, your actions may be the cause of suffering. Many times, divorce unavoidably results from actions begun with good intentions that have unintended bad results.

Although good intentions are important, it is more important to see the truth for what it is. If you understand another's circumstances while properly understanding your own heart, you will be able to live happily despite being imperfect. We don't have to all become Buddhas in order to live happily.

Delusion, or seeing things only as we would like to see them

Most people have idealized versions of their husbands or wives in their heads. “It would be great if my husband/wife/son/daughter was like this.” We then hold them to our expectations.

Do you think others will change to meet your expectations?

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In reality, people are different from your idealized versions of them. When your expectations of others aren’t met, conflict can deepen depending on how far others have fallen short in your eyes. You can become disgusted with the other person. No matter how much you nag, your husband still comes home late after drinking and your children don’t study. You resent others for not living up to your expectations of them.

The images of others which you visualize in your mind are mirages. When you think to yourself, “So-and-so should be like this,” your conception of another person only exists in your mind. When your husband comes home at 10 pm or comes home drunk, simply observe that, “My husband has arrived at 10 pm” and “My husband is drunk.” Conflict occurs when we apply our personal standards to reality. This can engender resentment.

Although you might dislike seeing your husband come home drunk, the owner of a restaurant or bar would be pleased to see your husband ordering some drinks. The act of drinking alcohol itself is neither good nor bad -- individual perception makes it one or the other. The problem isn't with others, but with your perception of them.

As autumn progresses, leaves fall from the trees. When people see the falling leaves they sometimes feel melancholy. But why? What is the correlation between leaves and melancholia? Do the leaves fall in order to make people feel melancholy? Of course not.

Falling leaves are a natural phenomenon.

Personal melancholy is no fault of the fallen leaves. Fallen leaves do not cause loneliness. Nor does autumn itself. Despite these facts, many people claim that the fallen leaves and the autumn cause their melancholy. In truth, there is no relationship. People simply think there is a relation.

Someone chanted the following poem upon seeing the moon rise: "Ah, the moon rising over the hill tonight makes my heart cry out!"

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It's possible for people to shed tears upon seeing the moon rise over a hill. But does the moon rise just to make people sad? What relation is there between sadness and the moon?

There is no relation. This begs the following question: If the moon didn't rise, would you have shed tears in the first place?

“If I hadn't seen the moon, I wouldn't have shed tears, but when I saw the moon I cried. Doesn't this prove the relationship between the moon and crying?”

This is a mistaken thought. The moon has no relation to one's thoughts. To believe otherwise is to place responsibility for my sorrow on the moon. Upon seeing the moon rise over a hillside, someone might exclaim: “Tonight even the moon makes me feel happy.”

In this case as well, the moon is unrelated to happiness. The moon doesn't rise for the purpose of making someone happy or sad. Then what is the truth? ”After seeing the moon rise over a hillside I was reminded of something sad.”

This is a more accurate statement. Seeing the moon triggered an emotion. The moon didn't create the emotion.

“My husband upset me because he drank alcohol and came home late."

Some people might say something like this, but this is not true. Your husband didn't drink and come home late to upset you. No other person can make you angry. Then what is the truth? You got upset upon seeing your drunk husband coming home late. You got upset when you learned your husband was having an affair. But suppose that you want to get a divorce from your husband and you are just waiting for a good excuse before filing your divorce papers. If you learn that your husband has been having an affair, would this be good or bad news? In this case it would be welcome news. This shows that the affair itself isn't what causes suffering.

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In their minds, people draw pictures of how they'd like others to be, but when these images fail to live up to reality, people complain. Never mind that people come up with their own conception of how others should be, they still criticize others for failing to live up to their made-up standards.

Delusion is failing to see reality as it is, and it makes life harder for everyone.

22 p.112~127 The Desire to Interfere in Your Partner's Life

In both romantic and married relationships, some people want to know everything about their partner, for example, what their partner is thinking or feeling. Far from being an expression of interest, this desire springs from the belief that your partner belongs to you. It is a desire for control over another. If a husband is reticent and avoids his wife's questions with "itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s none of your business," many wives will complain.

"Why do I always have to start conversations? Why is my husband so gruff?" If you ask husbands about this situation they often reply, "Even though it's none of her business, she pesters me with questions about everything." From the wife's point of view, her husband isn't sharing vital information with her, but from the husband's point of view, his wife is asking about things that don't pertain to her.

To avoid such conflict, first you have to give up your conception of how you think your spouse should act and try to accomodate them instead. Let go of your desire to know everything and avoid wheedling your partner.

"Flower, little flower, why do you all bloom at once? Blossom slowly. Flower, little

flower, why do you all fade at once? Fade slowly."

Of course no one says anything like this to flowers. Flowers come into bloom and fade away on their own. When flowers are in bloom, people enjoy the sight of blossoms, and when flowers fade, people walk on by. Spiritual practice consists of such dispassionate observation. Because people possess the mind of sentient beings, it is hard to observe all things dispassionately. Nevertheless, people should strive toward this goal and know that this is the path they should follow.

If you plan to live with someone, you must treat them like you would treat the weather or the flowers. Flowers bloom and fade as they please, regardless of others. All you have to do is accommodate them. You can do so if you treat your spouse like you would treat blooming flowers or the weather; when flowers bloom, you appreciate the view, when it’s cold you wear an extra layer of clothes, when it’s hot you take off a layer of clothes, and when it rains, you carry an umbrella.

The problem is that people try to interfere in the lives and thoughts of others. When a wife hesitates to say something to her husband, does she do this for his sake? Or does she hesitate in order to maximize her own gain? When you're trying to get something out of someone, you try to read their mind first. Before a wife says to her husband, "Honey, buy this for me," she ascertains his mood to maximize her chances of success.

But if you really respect your husband's opinion, how would you act? Although you’d like it if he bought you something, it’s his decision to make, isn’t it? Therefore it's not necessary to read his mind. If you want to say something to him, just say it. Likewise, if you want to say something to your local monk/priest/minister, just say it. You don't need to read anyone else's mind. Whether someone says 'yes' or 'no' is up to them. You only need to worry about expressing yourself.

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If you say, "Honey, buy this for me," but he says, "No!" then accept this fact with an "OK." In most cases, however, wives have already answered for their husbands before they even make a request. In their minds, they believe that their husbands should buy whatever they ask for. If things donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go according to plan, they get upset. If the husband finally relents and agrees to buy what his wife asked for, she might pout and say, "Forget about it. I don't want it anymore."

If she refuses to receive what she asked for, who suffers more? Why resent your husband over something as petty as that? If your husband refuses your request, try again in an agreeable manner. "Honey, please won't you buy this for me?" If he again says, "No," just say, "OK." If you are still dissatisfied and feel you must absolutely buy something, try again with "Pretty please." If he responds with an emphatic "NO!" just let it go.

If you still find yourself dissatisfied, ask for the final time, "I really want to buy this, honey." Using this method, you will have higher chances of getting your husband to buy what you want.

Which is the more beneficial course of action? If you make the right choice, you won't resent your husband, you will avoid suffering, and increase your odds of getting what you want. If you openly show your temper and act unwisely, however, you will cause suffering for yourself.

"Why didn't he agree to buy it for me when I first asked him to? Now he says he'll buy it, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so mad I don't want it anymore!"

If you have this mindset, you will resent your husband, suffer needlessly, and be materially poorer for it.

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Some wives lament, "I must have committed many sins in my past lives to merit being married to this jerk." In reality, thee wives cause their own suffering. They should blame their current foolishness rather than bad karma from past lives.

What do wives say when their husband agrees to buy something upon being asked for the fifth time?

"Why did you make me ask you five times before you said yes?!"

Imagine how this would make their husband feel. Instead, try saying something like, "Thanks, honey. I'm sorry I bugged you five times to buy this for me."

If you express yourself so magnanimously, how do you think your husband will react?

He'll feel good, and in his good mood he may buy something extra for you. Which course of action is wiser?

Jealousy Creates Enmity Among Spouses

I once knew a prosperous doctor and his wife, who enjoyed working as a volunteer in various social causes. The doctorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wife constantly suspected her husband of infidelity because her husband enjoyed the company of women. The wife suspected that her husband might be tempted by the nurses employed in his private hospital.

Whenever the wife confronted her husband with her suspicions, he always denied having an affair. This would satisfy her for awhile but invariably she would confront him again and again. Despite the husband's protestations of innocence, the wife never quite

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believed him. She had no choice but to take her husband's words at face value because she had no proof, but this didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t allay her fears.

Despite living under the same roof, the couple had a poor relationship because of the wifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s constant suspicion of her husband. One day I met the couple at my temple, the first time I had ever seen them together in public.

"Sunim, I'd like to introduce you to my husband. Today is his first day to visit the temple. I'm so happy he came with me."

They looked happy together, and the wife was as giddy as a child.

The next day, however, I received a phone call from the doctor's wife.

"Sunim, my husband has asked for a divorce."

What could have torn the couple apart, just one day after I saw them happily strolling the temple grounds? The wife's despondent voice contained an undercurrent of fury.

After returning from the temple, the doctor's wife was in a good mood and decided to take better care of her husband. Before taking his suit to the dry cleaners, she emptied the coat pockets and discovered two ticket stubs from the theater. It was a show she hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seen with her husband.

She said to herself, 'I KNEW IT!' and stormed into her husband's hospital with the ticket stubs clenched in one fist. She yelled at him to explain himself, and perhaps out of exasperation or exhaustion, he didn't bother making excuses and admitted his infidelity.

"All this time you swore you weren't cheating, but you've been lying to me all along!" In her anger she asked for a divorce and her husband assented.

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Of course only the husband himself knows whether or not he had been faithful, but in the absence of evidence, would the doctor and his wife have gotten divorced? Although they argued frequently, they had still lived together up till then. Because of a chance bit of evidence, however, in a fit of anger the couple decided to get divorced. Just one day before they had looked so happy together, but all of a sudden they became strangers over a ticket 27

stub.

<Illustration Caption p.118> "I create my own happiness as well as unhappiness. In truth, my happiness or unhappiness isn't created by others."

If you suspect someone of wrong-doing, don't look too hard for evidence, as you might regret what you find.

The doctor's wife missed a great opportunity for enlightenment. What do I mean?

Some of you may be familiar with the story of the famous Korean monk Won-hyo, who planned to study Buddhism in Tang Dynasty China. On his journey, he stopped to rest one night in a cave. Overcome with thirst, he searched the cave and discovered a rainwater-filled gourd. The monk was so thirsty that the rainwater was like ambrosia to his lips. The next morning when he awoke, however, he discovered to his horror that the 'gourd' was actually a human skull filled with fetid water.

Monk Won-hyo immediately vomited.

Won-hyo had a flash of enlightenment at that moment. He realized that the water he drank the night before was unchanged, and that the only change was in his perception of it. If the water was the same, why had he vomited upon seeing the skull?

Won-hyo gained the insight that cleanliness was not an innate characteristic of the water or the vessel but a judgment created in his mind.

"A single thought gives rise to all phenomena, and when the thought disappears all phenomena disappear with it."

After composing this verse, the Ven. Won-hyo abandoned his journey to the Tang Dynasty. He clearly realized that the truth was neither in India nor China but that it could be found in his own heart.

Before the doctor's wife discovered the telltale ticket stubs, she and her husband enjoyed a stroll through the temple. After discovering the ticket stubs, however, the wife came to think of her husband differently. Before, she was happily-married, but now her husband is

her enemy.

Did the act of discovering the ticket stubs transform the character of her husband? Of course not. Her husband is the same human being he was yesterday and is today. What changed was his wife's perception of him. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;My husband is the same, but just moments ago he was my husband and now he is my enemy. There is no difference between an enemy and a husband! These concepts only exist in my mind!â&#x20AC;&#x2122; If she had made this kind of realization, she would have become enlightened like the Ven. Won-hyo. How unfortunate that she missed a golden opportunity to find enlightenment in this life due to ignorance.

All of us have such opportunities. Every day, we are presented with more than twelve opportunities for enlightenment. Most of us miss these chances, unfortunately. This is because we are wrapped up in our emotions.

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People assume that the decision to get divorced is made after much careful thought, but in reality, divorce often occurs for frivolous reasons.

For example, when a wife accidentally bit her husband's tongue while they were kissing, he exclaimed, 'Ow!' and reflexively slapped her cheek. He quickly made an apology which his wife accepted, but this accident became later grounds for a divorce. The wife felt deeply aggrieved when her husband slapped her.

'How could he do this to me.'

'How could he slap me for biting his tongue?'

She began to view her husband critically and resentment piled up over time culminating in divorce.

Pre-slap, the man is a husband, post-slap the man becomes an enemy. Is this logical?

Is the husband a different man after slapping his wife? Your husband is the same man even when heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s upset, drunk, or staggers home late at night. An affair cannot transform someone from husband to enemy. What does change, however, is how his wife perceives him. It is this perception that makes the husband into an enemy.

The things we see or hear change our thoughts, which in turn change our world.

Whether we are happy, sad, suffering or in bliss, we create these emotions ourselves.

That is why the Buddha said, "I create my own happiness as well as unhappiness. In truth, my happiness or unhappiness isn't created by others."

This is my favorite quote from Buddhist scripture. If you feel unhappy at this moment, ask yourself who has made you unhappy. The answer is 'You'. Does this seem

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unfair? You might imagine that your fate is determined by your spouse, but you actually determine your own fate. If you believe that your suffering is caused by your spouse, then your spouse must change in order for you to be happy. How likely is it that your spouse will change? A spouse is someone's precious child, someone's parent, someone's husband, a member of society and a world unto themselves. Do you really you can change someone else?

30 Let me ask you a question. Is personal change easy or difficult? It's difficult, isn't it?

Changing yourself is hard enough, so why do you think you can change your spouse?

If you hold the delusion that you can only be happy if something difficult to change somehow changes, you will never be happy. Your happiness is not determined by your husband, it's determined by you. All you have to do is change yourself. Of course it won't be easy. But it's much easier than trying to change your spouse. Cause and effect follow your actions. Your destiny is in your hands.

Because people are blinded by delusion, however, they believe that their destiny is preordained by heaven or that it depends on their husband or children, who become targets for blame. This is a slaveâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mentality.

You must realize that both happiness and unhappiness are in your hands and that your destiny is up to you. Once you understand that life is yours to make, you can become the master rather than servant of fate and be as happy as you choose to be.

Obsession = Out-of-Control Affection

When one person in a married couple exhibits excessive interest in their partner, this

can become a cause for suffering. Untoward interest can shackle both husband and wife.

Married people should ideally enjoy more freedom than the unmarried because the married can leave things at home in the care of their spouse, whereas singles must leave their house empty when they go out. Husbands and wives also provide encouragement to one another, which helps them achieve greater things than one person to accomplish alone.

Many married people, however, believe that marriage limits their freedom. Although they get married to find happiness, once married they feel unhappy and stifled. They should blame themselves, not others, for this state of affairs.

The more fervently a husband loves his wife, the more dangerous he becomes.

Inordinate love for someone is a sign of possessiveness -- if such a man's wife escapes the bounds he has set for her, he may even commit murder. Obsession is not love. The credo of virulently possessive partners is, "as long as you stay within these boundaries, I will give you everything, but if you step out of line, I will destroy you." Such people have very strong egos.

When someone shows excessive affection for you bordering on mania, be on guard.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make the mistake of thinking, 'this person loves me to death.'

Such 'love' can change to disgust in the blink of an eye if they lose interest in you.

That is why Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m immediately on guard whenever someone tells me they like me. I wonder, 'when will this self-professed fan come to stab me in the back?'

This is wisdom I have gleaned through much experience. The kinds of people who say, 'Sunim, I adore you!' are the first to treat me like an enemy as soon as they become disappointed in me for whatever reason.

Why is this so? When you are crazy about someone, you also expect the other person to have the same feelings for you. If the feeling isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mutual, you might get upset or

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disappointed.

The root of clinging behavior is suspicion. The stronger your suspicions, the more clinging and obsessive you will become. Obsession is not love. Many people suffer throughout their lives because they confuse the two.

Spiritual practice entails casting off suspicion. If you want to stop clinging to your husband, you must change your outlook on life. You must free yourself from caring about how much your husband earns, how much he loves you, how much he drinks, what time he comes home from work, etc. You must escape from a life in which every move your husband determines your joy, anger, sorrow, or pleasure.

If you treat your husband like an independent human being, you can avoid passing on clinging behavior to your children. If you fail to root out your obsession over your husband and begin to ignore him to hide your disappointment, you might start clinging to your children instead. This will become a great burden to them and is a potential cause of parentchild conflict.

This is not to say that it is unimportant how much your husband earns or what time he comes home after work. Having a loving husband who comes home early and takes you out to fancy restaurants is a blessing. You must not cling to such things, however. If you form attachments to such superficialities you will be unhappy and become a burden on your husband due to your excessive dependence on him. This is a recipe for the unhappiness of both parties.

It's good to have a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife to lean on when you feel lonely. But if you come to rely excessively on relationships, you will become a heavy burden on your partner. Not only will you be unable to help each other, you will create a stifling

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marriage.

In some marriages, when the wife wants to go out, pursue a hobby, get involved in a religion or other activity, she must always gauge her husband's reaction first. If she continues to live like this, she will eventually regret getting married. Neither marriage, work, nor private life are obstacles to liberation -- clinging and obsession are the real obstacles.

It is incorrect to say that we are stifled by marriage or work. Instead we should realize that we are stifled by our obsessions which we come to rely on.

If we can throw away our crutches and let go of our obsessions we can live free of suffering in marriage, at work, and in society as free people.

Refrain from blaming others and trying to deflect criticism away from yourself whenever there is a problem. You are responsible for finding, grabbing hold of, and nurturing your own happiness. The proper spirit with which to face others (be it your wife, husband, or child) is to try to understand them with an open heart and mind. Frustration occurs when you don't understand others.

When you hate others, you are the one who suffers. When you see a flower, you feel better. Likewise when you see a friend, you feel good. If you get upset because of the weather, however, whose loss is it? You're the one who suffers. Likewise, if you get annoyed when you look at your husband, you are the one who suffers.

The rain will come when it may, but many people get mad if it rains on a picnic day.

If you pray, 'O God/Buddha, please make the rain go away because we're going on a picnic today,' and it still rains, how would you feel? You might conclude that prayer is worthless.

What kind of faith is that?

When the rain finally comes during rice planting season in a farming village

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suffering from drought, the farmers even plant rice seedlings in the rain. If they can work in the rain, why can't you have a picnic in the rain? If you really want to play outside, you can brave a little rain, can't you? What's easier -- playing in the rain, or working in it? Playing in the rain is easier.

You could cancel your picnic plans as well. You might protest, "But I've already hired a car and driver for the day!" If you pay the driver his daily fee and tell him that your plans have been canceled, is this a good or bad outcome? You could view it as a good outcome because you will still be enjoying leisure time. The only difference is that you will relax inside rather than outside.

Many people complain when situations like this occur, however. If you absolutely must go out, getting rained on is no catastrophe. If you would prefer not getting soaked by the rain, you can simply reschedule. But if you are a farmer racing against the clock to plant rice seedlings in planting season, you can't take a day off just because it rains. That's why you sometimes see farmers working in the rain. At least you have the choice not to play outside when it's raining. Some people get upset when they go to a karaoke club and find that the karaoke equipment is sub-standard. If you think about it, there's no reason to get upset -- you can simply refrain from singing if it bothers you so much. Although it's not a life-and-death situation, people get frustrated over such small things. This is caused by a spirit of obsession and clinging. People cling to the thought, 'everything must go according to my planâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

If you take a step back and look at the big picture, you will see that people hate each other and cause suffering over the smallest things. Be aware that stubbornly insisting 'I must...â&#x20AC;&#x2122; is a form of obsessive clinging that causes suffering.

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p.131~152 Marriage is not a prison

"Sunim, wouldn't it be great if I could sling a rucksack over my shoulder and follow you on your travels?"

"Really? You're welcome to accompany me starting right now. Why the long face?"

"Well, I still have to earn money for food, clothing and shelter."

"You're a grown man but you're trying to tell me that you're still struggling with the basic necessities of life?"

"Well, I've got a wife, you know."

If we analyze this man's words, he seems to be saying that his wife is an impediment to his happiness and freedom. Wouldn't that make her his mortal enemy? This is a severe insult to his wife. Variations on this excuse include: "Well, I've got a son, you know."

Are you saying your son is an impediment to happiness and freedom? What you should say is, "I feel more liberated now that I have a family."

This is what you should say if you want your husband, wife, children and parents to become fellow spiritual practitioners in the quest for happiness and freedom.

Instead, most people blame their family for being the source of unhappiness and bondage.

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People should reflect on what they are saying. People get married to find happiness rather than unhappiness. No one gets married to to reduce their freedom. People have children to find happiness rather than unhappiness.

When I hear such complaints, I find them to be nonsensical. People aren't unhappy because they lack money or social status. They are inevitably unhappy because they view their families as the sources of unhappiness.

When you live in solitude, there are various difficulties to be solved on oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own, but if you have a husband or wife, you should be happier and freer to pursue new experiences.

If a couple is childless, there are various difficulties for them to overcome, but once they have a child they should be happier and freer to pursue new experiences. If you only have your immediate family, there are various difficulties to you to solve together, but if your elderly parents are still alive, you should rejoice because your life is richer for it.

What would you say to me if I grumbled, "Life is so hard. Because I live alone, I'm so lonely I could die. I don't want to drink alone or have a barbecue by myself. I hate having to miss out on romance in these exciting times and I hate having to wake up early in the morning to perform Dharma service while everyone is still sleeping in..."

Perhaps you might commiserate with me and say, "Oh, Sunim, I didn't know you were having such a hard time." You would probably worry that I was going 'soft in the head'.

If I continued to grumble and whine, what would you say to me then?

"Quit being a monk if you hate it so much."

"But I've been doing this for the past 40 years; it's all I know how to do. If I quit now, how will I make a living?"

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How would you reply? When the laity come to me with their problems, they complain in a similar fashion.

They complain that their husbands, wives, or children are driving them to insanity.

They complain about elderly parents despite having relied on them for decades. People make the same kinds of complaints. What advice do you think I give to them? I tell them to get divorced and cast off their burdens because they don't need to suffer if they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to.

Although my advice is quite simple and matter-of-fact people always make the same excuses along the lines of, "I've been married for almost 30 years. If I get divorced now what will I do? I have children to think of."

Someone once asked me, "Sunim, how is it that you seem to have a ready answer for every situation?" Ironically, I'm not the one providing answers. In the process of confiding in me, people tell me the answers to their problems.

"I can't live like this anymore."

"Then stop living."

The answer resides in their own words. People aren't satisfied by such answers and add something like, "My husband and I argue every day. I wonder what kind of karma I had with him in a past life."

"You must have been enemies."

Simple, isn't it? The answer lies in the postulant's question, and I simply pluck it out and convey it back to them.

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Part 3 Love Requires Practice 38

"Make attachments to neither the beloved nor those whom you detest.

For not being able to see the beloved is painful, while seeing one whom you detest is painful as well."

-<Dhammapada verses 210, 211>

Beware of minor slights

There is a proverb that says, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;when you're in the fog you don't realize that you're clothes are getting soaked'. Although you might think that couples split up for quite serious reasons, married people get worn down by the accumulation of small grievances that eventually lead to divorce in much the same way that clothes gradually soak up water when placed in a cloud of fog.

The collapse of a dam starts with a small leak. Breakups are initially triggered by moments of carelessness when one person gets angry, makes a hurful comment offhand, or

does something else that hurts their partner's feelings. These slights seem so insignificant at the time that most transgressors don't remember what they did or said to cause injury.

If these injuries accumulate over time, however, it becomes difficult for couples to resolve emotional disputes. In fact, many grievances seem so trivial that people may feel embarrassed to even mention them.

"I can't believe you're mad at me for that. How petty..."

People are afraid of being seen as petty, so they avoid talking about small issues. But in aggregate, these small issues are potential sources of dissatisfaction.

When bachelors and bachelerttes get married and live together, their lives are forever changed.

<Illustration caption pp.137> Loving your partner is your prerogative, but loving you is your partner's prerogative. Love is not something you can demand. Love your partner if it brings you joy.

There is no problem with doing as you please when you live alone. But when you get married, you must be cognizant of the lifestyle changes you will need to make as a married person.

The first thing you must realize is that loving your husband or wife is a choice you make freely. The fact that you love your partner does not compel them to love you in return, and you mustn't demand that they do so. You must not try to force love. Please bear this in mind. Most people assume that if they love their partner, their partner must love them in return. This is a mistaken assumption. Although you have the right to love someone, you do

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not have the right to demand that someone love you.

Married couples frequently run into problems because they assume that they are entitled to be loved. Loving your partner is your prerogative, but loving you is your partner's prerogative. Love is not something you can demand. Love your partner if it brings you joy.

Love is an act of free will, but you cannot demand that your partner love you to uphold the principle of reciprocity. 'I love you, so you have to love me back' is a spirit of barter and commerce, not love.

Although regular people gather to carry out commerce and trade, the marital relationship is not a bazaar where you try to maximize your self-interest. A genuine marital relationship is devoid of commercial interests.

The smallest possible community is the family unit. Within a true community, members do not argue over self-interest, loss or gain. When dealing with strangers, you can simply avoid those people who have caused you harm. Within the institution of marriage, however, living solely for oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s self-interest is not always possible. Suppose a wife becomes incapacitated for her whole life -- it will then be up to her husband to care for her. Likewise, if a husband is injured and is unable to work for his whole life, his wife will be responsible for his care. If a child is born with a serious handicap, it is the parents' responsibility to care for the child. If one's parents become incapacitated, it is one's duty to care for them until they die. These examples illustrate the meaning of community.

In a community, members help one another in a symbiotic give and take relationship.

Symbiotic ties are strongest within the family unit. Zooming out to the social community, the strength of symbiotic ties is somewhat lessened, and when we zoom out further to the national community, such ties are weakened further still. Zooming out to the global

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community, the strength of symbiotic ties is weak but still alive.

When two people create a family unit, they create a new world. Two people combine their strength to make something that has never existed before. You might be tempted to think that because the union is founded on love, things will go smoothly. However, building a family isn't as easy as it looks because family members are all different.

For example, when a family gathers for a meal, one person might find the food too salty or spicy while another might find it too bland. One person likes fried foods while another likes baked foods, one person likes western food while another prefers Korean cuisine. One person is a vegetarian while another is a meat-eater. One person wants to eat at home while another wants to eat out.

Family members disagree on even the smallest things and there are a myriad of issues to disagree on. Because the two people starting a family have joined together in a union of love, they generally don't have big issues to argue over. In fact, when they encounter a big issue, they gather their strength together to overcome it. No one has to teach people to act this way, as it occurs by instinct.

Although families come into conflict over small matters and couples slight each other in small ways, in the beginning all is forgiven through the power of love.

After 1, 2, or 3 years, however, what happens? A succession of minor slights can become a source of stress and fester into deep resentment. Eventually people get to the point where they feel like they can't go on living. In the beginning, however, people don't quit so easily.

Early in a marriage, couples gather their strength to overcome big problems. If small emotional injuries occur frequently and begin to accumulate, however, when a big problem

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occurs the couple will remain divided rather than coming together to meet the challenge. In such cases, crises can lead to a divorce.

Most people believe that divorce is often triggered by some major event. But in reality, divorce doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t occur because of a single incident.

When a couple sees eye-to-eye, big challenges serve to make their marriage stronger.

But when a couple are at loggerheads with each other and are looking for an excuse to get out of a marriage, a crisis can serve as a decisive opportunity for divorce.

Therefore when you first get married, you need to be wary of small emotional injuries. To avoid minor conflicts and arguments, you must engage in spiritual practice.

During spiritual practice you will learn how to observe your breathing and even minute phenomena in your body which will enable you to find the smallest inklings of dissatisfaction and carelessness in your heart.

Through spiritual practice you will be able to prevent stress from accumulating without your knowledge. Not only will you become able to control the buildup of stress in yourself, you will also be able to recognize the hurt you have unconsciously caused others.

Most people live their lives out of habit -- indeliberately and in ignorance. That is why people don't know what causes stress in others and remain clueless even in marriage.

As a result, many husbands feel blindsided when their wives come to them asking for a divorce.

'Why is she making such an extreme decision?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Why didn't she tell me sooner about how she felt?'

'Why come to me now asking for a divorce? If things were so bad, why didn't she tell

42

me earlier?'

Their wives probably didn't tell them earlier because each problem in and of itself was so minor. The aggrieved doesn't express their dissatisfaction and the perpetrator doesn't even know that he caused an emotional injury. If these slights continue to accumulate little by little, before you know it a vast chasm will exist between husband and wife.

That's why men and women must always be on guard against hurting their partnersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; feelings. In fact, it's easier for two people in love to hurt each other.

When you get married it's easy to start thinking that your partner belongs to you.

This unconscious belief can cause you to start taking your partner for granted. People who have married for love are particularly sensitive to the smallest nuances of how their partner speaks or acts toward them. If you don't love your partner as much as they love you, they quickly take offense and begin to look for evidence in your every word or action of whether you love them. Such a partner quickly becomes dispirited at the slightest sign of neglect.

With such a partner, the slightest slip-up could make your marriage a living hell.

When trivial emotional quarrels grow into serious conflicts, you might find yourself wishing you were single again.

'Oh, I never should have gotten married!'

Such thoughts will occur. If things get even worse, you might say to yourself, 'I can't live like this anymore.' â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I can't stand to live like this for even one more second.'

People get worn down and their reactions become more extreme.

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When I observe couples who have married for love, I notice that they must accommodate each other in myriad ways that would be impossible if not for spiritual practice and self-reflection.

This is why married people must always look into their hearts and observe the stress that has accumulated within. They must also reflect on every utterance and action, no matter how small, and practice the way of living that spares their partner from harm.

Sometimes a wife calls her husband, 'honey' and grabs his hand or places a hand on his shoulder out of affection. If the husband unconsciously slaps away his wife's hand or looks annoyed, this can be very hurtful to his wife. Seen out of context, slapping away someone's hand seems like no big deal, but to the wife, it can engender a sharp feeling of rejection.

If small slights like this continue, the wife might feel that her husband doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t love her, giving rise to conflict. This is why you must be careful with your spouse's emotions and is also a reason why you need to learn how to observe both your feelings and those of others.

People who remain single have less reason to engage in spiritual practice because they have fewer chances to harm others close to them such as a spouse or child.

<Illustration Caption pp.145> Married people must always look into their hearts. They must also reflect on every utterance and action, no matter how small, and practice the way of living that spares their partner from harm.

It is commonly believed that monks must engage in spiritual practice whereas those living in the world don't need to do so, but this belief is mistaken. In fact, monks could do

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with less spiritual practice because they have fewer chances to hurt others as they don't live with their families or have close confidantes.

Married people, on the other hand, live under the same roof and share the same bedroom. It's easier to be hurt by someone who is emotionally close to you.

If a couple in conflict has a child, the child will suffer unfairly because children are fragile and easily influenced by their parents' relationship problems. The emotions of anxiety, instability, and anger that are engendered by conflict are passed on to the child, and will affect them into adulthood.

When I try to teach spiritual practice to such adults I realize that they find it exceedingly difficult to center themselves and make consistent progress. They frequently fall off the wagon and are veer from one extreme to the other. They suffer because of the childhood karma they received from their parents.

It's quite rare to find people in good mental health nowadays, which is one reason why meeting enlightened people is so rare. People need to possess piety at their core, but I have met few young people who satisfy this requirement. Most youngsters I meet have grown up in fractious families. While some of them may be talented, they do not live in an environment conducive to developing dependable hearts and minds.

To raise a child with a healthy mind, the parents must first possess hearts of serenity.

This has nothing to do with whether the family is economically well-off or not. Thus, before you get married, you need to honestly look at yourself and determine whether you feel comfortable with your karma and are ready to start a family. If you feel you have only a little bit of control over your own mind, you might be able to manage married life, but I advise you to avoid having children.

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If you are serious about having children, you must truly dedicate yourself to them.

The duty of parents is to help their child grow up healthy and happy. If you aren't confident in your ability to do so, it would be better for you to purchase a toy to play with or a puppy to keep you company. If you decide to have children because that's what everyone else is doing, you will make both yourself and your child miserable.

46 You cannot succeed in marriage with love alone. You must possess a spirit of responsibility for your partner and your future children before you can deem yourself ready to get married.

How to live with someone with a different personality

One of the factors people look at in a potential spouse is their personality. The number one factor referred to in divorces is 'incompatible personality'. It is the most visible cause of conflict between men and women who live together.

What do you think will happen if an impatient husband lives with a laid-back and sluggish wife? The impatient husband will often look at his laid-back wife with annoyance and anger, while the laid-back wife will feel tortured by her husband's incessant nagging and short temper.

In marriages where the parties have incompatible personalities, arguments can occur frequently. Frequent screaming at home can make the children chronically anxious. When I advise wives not to confront impatient husbands, they tell me that it's not so easy to do.

Wives would like it if their husbands listened to them, but things usually don't work out that way. While they expect their husbands to obey them, on the flip side they don't want to listen

to their husbands.

People are free to choose the single or married life. If you are single, you can live the way you see fit and follow your whims. How perfect is that? But you must be prepared to live with the consequences of your karma if you live as you please. If you plant beans, you will get bean sprouts, and if you plant adzuki you will get adzuki sprouts.

If the wife of an impatient husband continually shows a lack of sympathy with her husband, when he gets older, there is a higher chance of stroke and incapacitation from anger-related blood vessel damage in the brain. If he is incapacitated by a stroke, his wife will have to empty his bedpan every day for the next 10 years. If a stubborn wife is unwilling to humor an impatient husband, she should divorce him as soon as possible, otherwise he will become a source of even greater suffering.

You must also be aware of the fact that children who grow up in families with much strife suffer from psychological instability. As your children grow up, they will cause big problems for you. When children go bad, the problems they cause are ten times worse than a recalcitrant husband.

You must always keep in mind the consequences of your karma. Let's assume you divorce an impatient husband before he becomes incapacitated by an anger-related stroke. At least you will no longer be responsible for a future invalid, but you will not be totally free of your marriage karma because you still have children. You must reap what you have sown.

There is no law that says you cannot live as you please. If you see something nice that you want to have, but don't have the money to buy, you can just steal it. If you see something you want to eat, you can just eat it without paying as long as you are willing to serve time in prison. If you see a beautiful woman walking down the street, you can run up to

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her and give her a kiss as long as you are willing to be registered as a sexual offender and spend at least two years in prison.

If you accumulate karma, good or bad consequences inevitably follow. If you do not like certain consequences, avoid the accumulation of bad karma. What must you do to avoid bad karmic consequences? You must learn how to yield. Try yielding to your husband.

Having an impatient husband isn't a total loss, as there are some good things about impatience. Have you ever met an impatient con artist? How can someone with a lack of patience and a foul temper con someone? Who could be fooled by such a person? Although the impatient make poor con men, they make good friends. Since it's clear what they're thinking, they are not able to deceive others. On the other hand, it's easy for those who seem patient and dignified to fool others. Do you think most fraudsters are friendly or unfriendly?

They are exceedingly friendly. Is it more likely for a con man to be handsome or ugly? Many con men are good-looking. The offices of con men are tastefully furnished and they drive the fanciest automobiles.

On the other hand, have you ever seen a con artist who has a rough character, bad temper, and who drives a beat-up old truck? Although many people think that having an impatient husband is a terrible thing, I'm here to say that it's not all bad. If you are married to such a man, you can still live happily by making some slight accommodations for his personality. When an impatient husband loses his temper, yield at the time of the outburst by saying, "OK, honey," to quiet him down.

If you bridle at his impatience and pick a fight at that moment, you'll be starting an argument you can't win. If you live according to your whim, you must be prepared to face the karma you have accumulated. Therefore when dealing with an impatient spouse, initially replying with an "OK, honey," is the wisest course of action. When he yells, respond in a

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measured and reasonable tone of voice, especially when he loses his temper about events that don't involve you. Once his temper has died down, you can chide your husband by saying something like, "Honey, what was that all about earlier?" and tightening the screws in other ways. But only scold your husband once his temper has died down, OK? When his anger rises up like magma in a volcano, just leave him alone. No reason to put yourself in the path of an erupting volcano. You can punish him later if you want, but only after his anger has subsided.

There is really no point in punishing an impatient husband for his impatience, however. It's his nature to be impatient. Just like a heavy stone falls downward due to gravity, an explosive temper is the result of karma. It's not something you can fix. You can't even change your own personality, so how do you propose to change someone else’s?

If you are determined to defeat a stubborn person, you need to know the degree of your own stubbornness before trying. If a husband and wife plan to walk through life together, their best strategy is to yield to one another.

Why do wives balk at accommodating the personal quirks of their husbands?

They think to themselves, 'I could accept my husband's bad habits if he was a good breadwinner, but he isn’t! And he has a foul temper to top it all off!’

If this is how you view your husband, your marriage will be an arduous long march and you will still not be able to change his personality. Therefore it's better in the long run to just deal with him by saying, ‘OK, honey.’ Easy, isn't it?

This is the best policy for the mental health of you and your children.

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