[sample translations]ven pomnyun, life advice eng by LTI Korea Library

Sample Translations

Ven. Pomnyun Life Advice E ng l i s h

Book Information

Life Advice (인생수업) Jungto Publishing corp./ 2013 / 34 p./ ISBN 9788984317413 For further information, please visit: http://library.klti.or.kr/node/772

This sample translation was produced with support from LTI Korea. Please contact the LTI Korea Library for further information. library@klti.or.kr

Life Advice Written by Ven. Pomnyun, Illustrated by Geuntaek Yoo

P. 009 – p. 012 (Prologue) Time really flies as you get older. Strange to look back at your childhood when you were so eager to become a grownup. Why does it feel as if time flows faster the older you get? Some may remember lying about their age to gain more respect or feel comfortable with ‘cooler,’ older peers. Eagerly waiting to become an adult makes it seem as if you will never grow up. But when you do reach adulthood, aging is dreadful. For youngsters, the passing of time means growth and development, but for adults it means aging. The skin loses its suppleness; fine lines become more noticeable; you may discover a white hair or two; working late hours turns into a challenge. Your may be young at heart, but your body seems to lag behind. Now that you feel older, doubt starts getting under your skin. ‘What have I achieved?’ ‘Will I achieve anything notable?’ Some find solace dwelling on the past. The older you get, the easier it is to come across a conversation drenched in nostalgia with reminiscences of the ‘good times.’ Are the ‘good times’ memorable because they were filled with happiness and a sense of fulfillment? Does it mean people tend to be happier in their youth? Ask any middle school student if they are happy. I can guarantee most of them will tell you they feel miserable. Ask college students whether they are happy. Their answers are likely to run along the same lines. The past may seem beautiful and perfect once it has slipped through your fingers, but that does not mean you were happy when you were living through those times.

Remorse comes from dissatisfaction with your current condition. A survey asked people from teens to fiftysomethings what they regretted most in their lives. Regardless of generation, the most frequent reply was ‘not studying hard enough.’ According to the survey’s results, many people believe they could have improved the outcome of their lives by studying harder when they were students. It is not hard to see that we tend to cling to our past. Clearly we have a tendency to be remorseful. We continue to dwell on hypotheticals, saying ‘if I had known this back then’ or ‘if I had chosen to do that,’ and unravel a whole different life scenario in our minds. This leads to regrets and self-belittlement. Growing obsessed with a past that cannot be fixed is the source of misery and disgruntlement. You may ask ‘then what is the secret to a life with no regrets?’ The key is staying loyal to achieving what is appropriate for your stage of life. What must teenagers achieve? They must focus on scholastic achievement. Teens have the luxury of being able to focus on their studies without the distraction of financial struggles. It is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity most teens fail to recognize. People typically experience their first serious relationship and heartbreak in their twenties. Consider it a young adult’s privilege. Failure in relationships deepens our understanding of people and helps us mature emotionally. But in the heat of the moment, it is difficult to see the upside of a breakup. Rather, a heartbroken person hopes that one day they will be in a stable and happy marriage so that they will not have to live through the emotional turmoil again. No matter how tough the struggle at the time, the past is seen through rose-tinted glasses. People in their forties and fifties may feel they have grown old, but a decade or three on and they may realize that those years were the prime of their lives. Those in their sixties and seventies may lament their old age, not knowing that ten years later they would settle for

being just a few years younger. As you can see, aging is merely a matter of perspective. It is laughable how senior high school students send junior high school students off on an errand because he or she is ‘old and in need of a break.’ Whether it is a young child trying to act like a grownup, a young adult wishing life would fast-forward to a stable time, or those in their middle years envying the young—all are too hung up to see the happiness available to them in the present. What a better place the world would be if younger people could see how lucky they are to be able to dream big and be healthy, and if older people could see how their life experience has broadened their ability to accept and understand others. Positive thinking and acceptance is the shortcut to a happier present. Those who find the joys and pleasures that accompany being a teen, an adult, and a senior will be happy for a lifetime. Set yourself free from the past and shed apprehension about things that have not yet happened. Instead live each moment to the fullest. Those who live according to this principle will enjoy a golden age that spans a lifetime. Aging is not loathsome for a man or woman who lives in the present. Instead, life is filled with happiness until the very last moment. Then why is it so hard for us to accept this way of thinking? Why do we find ourselves obsessing over our past as we age? This indicates the challenges of living by our own principles without being swayed by worldly values – graduating from a prestigious college, earning better wages, climbing higher up the ladder, gaining recognition, and other needs fueled by greed. If you want to find the solution to life’s mysteries and keep your feet firmly grounded, you have to turn your priorities upside-down. Financial gain, success, respect, and health could be clouding your judgment. The endless struggle to achieve these worldly values often prevents us from seeing what is of true value. Letting go of these desires will open your eyes to a new and clear path to true happiness.

I hope this book provides readers with an opportunity to reflect on their attitude towards life. We are mere mortals with limited time in this life. It is vital that we live each moment as if it were our last. Only then will we be able to achieve a life of no regrets. Learning how to be content with what you have regardless of the standards imposed by society is the secret to living a good life. Happy days are what make up a happy life. 4 Pomnyun

(Chapter 001 – Are You Happy?) p. 015 – p. 017 What is the Meaning of Life? “Why was I born?” I come across many young people searching for an answer to this question. The same question arises again later in life, usually among those going through a midlife transition. This is when those in their forties and fifties second-guess life decisions. Unfortunately, there is no answer to this question, no matter what age group you are in. There is no ‘why’ to life, because our existence precedes reason. The reason we are able to think is because we exist, so no matter how hard we try, the question will remain unanswered. We do not choose to be born. Instead, we find ourselves already in the state of ‘being born.’ Nor do we choose our country of birth. Nationality is predetermined upon birth. If someone starts to question why they were born in a certain country, it will quickly turn into a source of agony because the question simply cannot be answered. Tormenting yourself with such thoughts could lead to the question “what is the point of my life?” Pushing yourself to find answers to dead-end questions will not produce results and may even cause depression. Why not change your way of thinking instead?

‘Grasshoppers and rabbits live off the grass. I am just as alive and well as anyone around me. If I am going to live, how should I go about living my life? Do I want it to be happy, or do I prefer it miserable?’ ‘I want my life to be happy. What can I do to achieve that?’ This is a healthy way of seeing life for those who have been given the gift of life. We exist in a way rabbits and grass exist. When our time is up, we will be no more. Living beings do not have the power to choose when to live and die. Life is a gift that has been given to us so that we can relish it while it lasts. But we do have the power to choose to be happy or unhappy. More often than not, the question ‘what is the meaning of life’ has a hidden notion – a notion that you are ‘special.’ ‘I am special so I deserve to live an extraordinary life. I am unhappy because I am not living that life.’ It is up to you to give life meaning. You are burdening yourself by setting a standard. A blade of grass grows from a crack in the pavement and the chipmunks in the forest are carrying on with their lives. You may want to think you are special, but do not forget you are a mere mortal. No matter how great your achievements, 100 days without food and you would starve, ten seconds without air and you would suffocate—just like everyone else would. That is why it is important to refrain from singling yourself out as special. You will be saving yourself from the pressure of performing ten out of ten every time. Remember, you are the master of your ship. You are solely responsible for your happiness. Whipping yourself over reasons you have rationalized in your head will only make your life miserable. Stop creating inner conflict by asking yourself ‘why was I born?’ Try asking yourself ‘what can I do to make the best of my day?’ instead. The latter is a much more productive outlet for your energy. It is also the right-minded attitude of a person seeking

to own his or her life by taking full responsibility and assuming all the necessary rights.

p. 018 – p. 024 Tolerating Today will Change the Future? Children tend to think they will be happy once they are adults. In school, young students like to think everything will work out once they make it to college. Happiness will come ‘once I graduate college,’ ‘get married,’ ‘have a child’… The list goes on and on. What this is doing is helping you bare the labor of today while promising yourself a better tomorrow. Let’s say you plow through life by reassuring yourself of a reward. I find that many people who live in this fashion wonder later in life if they made the right decisions. Once someone asked me: “What is a successful and good life?” The man, despite his impressive social status and success, wanted to know whether or not he was living a good life. What is success? The simplest answer is: achieving your goals. We live in an age where income has become the yardstick of success. Those with money, influence, popularity, and status are looked up to and respected. In such circumstances, it is easy to forget how relative such a barometer for success really is. For instance, a man with one hundred thousand dollars may appear rich to those with just a thousand dollars. Thrown in with millionaires, however, and he would be seen as poor. Here, you can see that ‘rich’ and ‘poor’ are relative concepts that change depending on whom you compare yourself to. The same principle applies to social status. A sergeant may seem high up in the ranks to a private, but he has a long way to go to become a lieutenant. Again, it is not hard to see that the highs and lows of social status depend on perspective. Material success does not last forever. Naturally, we all want to achieve success in

our lives, especially those who have experienced bitter failure. When you are going up on a seesaw, it feels as if your success will last forever; but descent is inevitable at some point. As material success is temporary, it is not worth pursuing. Now to money. We tend to think saving a certain amount of money will make us happy. You often wonder what people with deep pockets ever have to worry about. Then, are these rich people unaffected by the vicissitudes of life? If anything, affluent people have more things to worry about; preserving wealth and sizing up other wealthy people in their social circle. An old Korean saying goes “A man with ninety-nine rice paddies asks a man with one rice paddy for his land.” The rich landowner covets the poor man’s rice paddy so that he can have a nice round number. What an individual considers a success does not necessarily coincide with what society dictates. A person may be lauded as highly successful by others, but may be living a bleak and desolate personal life. Perhaps that is why I come across more elderly people who find their lives futile and meaningless than I do those who find their lives fruitful and rewarding. Too many people despair, believing they have lived their lives in vain. What then, you may ask at this point, determines a good life? If you feel satisfied with your life regardless of society’s standards, then you are truly happy and living a good life. Owning a downtown apartment and earning a good living is the worldly standard of wealth nowadays. But if you are happy living on a farm in the countryside, you are successful in your own right. ‘I am thankful for fresh air, pristine water, unpolluted organic vegetables, and the freedom of self-employment.’ Do not delay your happiness for another day. Be happy with your life; that is the secret to a successful life. ‘All a man needs is three meals a day, not five or six; a few clothes in the closet to

protect him from the elements; and a car to take him places. Living a modest life is the key to true happiness.’

Pursuing worldly standards of success does not necessarily lead to a happy life. Letting go of unnecessary greed and having realistic expectations will help you live a happier and satisfying life.

If you say this to yourself, then you are already living a good life. Are you unhappy with your current job? Do you have a different career in mind? Give it a shot. Researching new farming techniques could be a worthwhile endeavor. Opening a small neighborhood business would be an interesting project. Jumping into the unknown by taking up international activism could be interesting, too. Doing what you choose to do will not spare you from life’s challenges, but you will be able to enjoy yourself. Hiking up the mountain – whether for military training or leisure – will push your physical ability to its limit, but the experience is enjoyable nonetheless. Traveling around Korea giving speeches and lectures is physically draining, but I love it thoroughly because I get to spread Buddha’s teachings that I like so much. Once I had to catch a cab to reach a lecture on time. During the taxi ride, I could not but realize the cab driver’s horrible driving. Curious as to why this man was so angry and neurotic, I remarked, “You must be having a very bad day.” The driver let out a sigh. “My wife left me today; me and my seven-year-old son.” “How much money do you make per hour?” I asked boldly. “About eight bucks.”

“I’ll give you forty bucks for five hours of your service.” He pulled up at the temple where the lecture was to take place. I asked him to park his car and sit with the audience during the lecture. Imagine the damage he could have caused with his reckless driving. His hysterical attitude would also be a bad influence on his young son’s upbringing. Was it not better to help him realize his mistake so that he could make peace with his situation and drive safely? Who knows if a newfound positive attitude would bring his wife back, not to mention reduce the dangers of a traffic accident? Helping the driver restore his equilibrium could save him and the people around him. If I had asked him to come to my lecture, he would have refused in a heartbeat. The only reason he stayed for the whole lecture was because he was paid. I have to say I am very lucky to have people come to listen to me speak even if there is no hourly compensation. We all have our hopes and dreams, but there is no reason to dread that some will not be fulfilled. Focus on enjoying the process instead of obsessing over results, and you will be happy. If you continue to judge yourself by how others may see you and remain hyperconscious of how you are evaluated, you are likely to lose your footing somewhere down the line. It will feel as if it is too late by the time you realize you have been chasing a rainbow. I find that we have become increasingly conscious of our appearance. We waist our lives in pursuit of materialism; all the while we torture ourselves for not being as affluent or attractive as those around us. Some give up, thinking they are forever ‘incompetent’ as they vacantly go about their day. Others grow resentful of supposedly more successful people who are actually drenched in absolute misery. Adjusting your goals to worldly views of success and fulfilling your desires will not make you happy. Letting go of your greed and fostering realistic expectations will improve your quality of life. We have an inclination to find fault in everything else but ourselves, instead of looking into our hearts to find a solution. A life

swayed by changing situations and conditions is far from a good life.

P. 025 – p. 028 Things You Earn and Lose With Age Everything in this world is susceptible to change. Dwelling in the past and clinging to it will cause pain and anguish. Take a group of close childhood friends, for instance. Once they become adults, it gets harder and harder to keep in touch. Busy as they are carrying on with their lives, organizing an outing becomes near impossible. The friendships will always be there, but it is obvious the relationships are not the same. It is a common occurrence among close friends. “I recently realized that I don’t have a single person to share a cold beer or two with after a hard day’s work. I’ve become awkward with some friends; there is one I try to avoid because she is so headstrong. Another is just impossible to have a conversation with. My circle of friends has dwindled over the years. The only people I am comfortable being around are a few close friends. I had a group of five very close friends back where I came from. Now when I visit home, only a couple of people come to greet me. I don’t think they’re excited to see me. They come out of obligation.” A young man in his early thirties confessed this to me one day. He is but one of many people who claim to be hurt by their estranged friends. “We don’t hang out anymore.” “I feel my friends have become selfish.” No one can replace a friend during your school years. You do everything together; eat lunch, exchange secrets you would never tell your parents, and so on. In your adolescent years, they seem more reliable and trustworthy than your guardians. Toddlers are dependent on their parents; friends take up a large portion of your social life in your teens; then you experience your first real romantic relationship; when you get a job, you create ties with your

colleagues. The changes come naturally as you find your place in society. If you still feel sad over how your relationship with your friends has changed over the years, it may be that you are romanticizing your younger years. Once you are married, it becomes even more difficult to stay close to your single friends. It becomes more difficult to go on weekends. You are all too often stuck with household chores and child rearing. Now that you have a family to look after, making time to hang out with your friends is challenging. The same goes for siblings. It is hard to imagine living apart when you are growing up, but once you come of age, everyone leaves the nest in search of opportunities. Assisting one another in times of need becomes difficult, especially if you have a family of your own. If you suggest offering financial support to a sibling, your spouse may say “We barely have enough to stay afloat ourselves!” We must learn to accept the changes that take place as we shift between social circles. Wallowing in memories convinced the past was the ‘good old days’ will only inflict pain. Your friends are not indifferent or ungrateful; you are the one unable to accept that situations have changed, especially if you feel estranged yourself. The fact that you have become choosy on who you hang out with shows your feelings towards your friends have tarnished, too. Finding fault in your friends will only push them out of your life. “I’ve become quick-tempered and petulant over the years. I suffer from gastroenteric trouble all the time. I’m taking prescription pills but I have to find a way to relax.” Have you been pushing others to do your bidding or judging others over preference? If you have, no wonder you feel drained and tired. Before anything else, let go of the concept of doing everything with your friends. This will set you free. If you are with a close friend, you can enjoy good company. When you are not, there are benefits to being alone. If you look at your situation that way, it should not

matter who you are with. You will feel comfortable in your skin at all times. An old saying goes ‘Don’t stop those who come to you, but don’t stop those who leave.’ This is not a suggestion to abandon those around you. Rather, it means you should accept the ways your relationships evolve. There is no way to stop your social ties from altering. Let go of your expectations and your relationships will flourish and windows to new encounters will open. Not being able to understand someone can cause stress. There is a sense of relief to understanding one another. Being fond of someone fills the heart with joy. Hating causes pain and suffering. We are prone to negative thoughts, which mean we bend easily towards resentment and hate rather than understanding and acceptance. Look into your heart when negative thoughts surface. ‘I feel hate because I don’t agree with my friend.’ ‘I feel resentment because my friend spends less time with me.’ Pinpoint the cause of your negativity. This will help you let go of your obsession.

P. 040 – p. 043 Back to the Good Old Days “I’ve been feeling feeble and weak both physically and mentally. What can I do to turn back time and restore my youth?” I was asked this question once by an older woman. If, as you age, you are caught up in the idea that you were better off in your youth, your present will not be pleasant at all. Imagine what life would be like if you were constantly reminded how difficult it is for you to keep up with the latest trends, how quick you are to tire, and how your skin looks somewhat dull. No wonder you would feel depressed. An acquaintance of mine came to me and said “I wish I laughed as much as I used to. What can I do to feel happiness again?” Sure, looking to live a life full of laughter and joy is

commendable, but doing so out of longing for the past is not healthy. You must live in the present. Hanging onto the past when ‘all was good’ will hinder your present happiness. People romanticize the past all the time; back when I was happy, back when I was beautiful, back when I had money, back when I had status, back when my marriage was happy… the list goes on and on. A fixation with the past is the opposite of forward thinking; it is regression. If a married couple with children argue over broken promises instead of discussing how to rear their child, it is likely their marital life will get stuck in a downward spiral. Quarreling over spilt milk, regretting decisions, and wallowing in self-pity will plunge you into misery. I see many people grow increasingly attached to their younger days and becoming unhappy as a result. Is aging such a bad thing? I do not think so. You have more wisdom to guide you to make better decisions. Green as you were as a young man or woman, you have earned experience and confidence. Maturity certainly has its merits when you are a monk. Who would listen to a greenhorn standing before a podium, especially if he were to give advice on life? An older monk gets more credit from the audience because he has lived through many challenges. I have been giving speeches on the same topics for the past three decades. When I spoke to the people in my early thirties, I bet I was not very convincing. Now that I am over sixty, people take my advice to heart. I look forward to my seventies and eighties because I will have matured even more. It is safe to say a person is not fully mature until he or she reaches the ripe old age of eighty. Wine tastes better with age. Soy bean paste develops a rich flavor as it ages. Letting rice cook thoroughly in the pot’s residual heat enhances its flavor. The older you get, the more charms you will reveal. It is entirely up to you to decide: you can become a sorry old man or woman, or you can choose to mature gracefully. The outcome is the matter of the heart. Aging is as natural as

autumn following summer. As this is so, why stay hung up over spring when the season turns to summer? Obsessing over your youth will make the aging process dreadful. Accepting the natural order of things will help you see the upside of maturing. For instance, you will enjoy greater freedom. You will have the time to appreciate your surroundings because you are no longer constrained by obligations now that your children are grown up and independent. Go back to your hobbies or find new ones. Alas, there is truth in the idea that it becomes harder to keep up with the timesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; especially in an era when change takes place so rapidly. Getting used to making a call on a smartphone can be stressful. But when you think about it, why it is necessary to learn how to use a smart device in the first place when smartphone addiction is becoming a serious social issue? Is it really necessary to keep up with the trend? Why not learn how to use the basic functions and have a younger person help with the complicated bits? There is no harm in taking up new technology, but it is certainly not worth stressing over. Maturity is accompanied by insight. You will have accumulated knowledge based on experience and what is going on today. On top of that, you will have foresight. Having grown up in the countryside, I have experienced life as it was a century or even two centuries ago. I have seen farmers grow hemp and weave it into cloth. I have seen women collect cotton from the fields, spin it, and put together a full outfit. I have even seen an old-fashioned loom at work. As a frequent traveler, I have also seen cutting-edge technology at its finest. I may be sixty years old, but I have seen three-hundred yearsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; progress in human civilization. When I tell my childhood stories to younger people, they are in awe at how much I know about a world they have never experienced. When I talk about recent topics with older people, they are impressed how up-to-date I am with current events. I firmly believe aging is a blessing and a source of great joy. Think about the freedom we enjoy nowadays. Because we live in the modern era,

married children and their parents have the choice to either live together or in separate homes. In other words, you can experience both lifestyles if you so choose. Consider it a chance to experience different cultures instead of expecting others to meet your needs. Let go of the affixes ‘like the good old days’ and ‘back in my heyday’ and accept change with a positive attitude. Then you will find plenty to savor in the maturing process. 15 P. 044 – 048 Everything Happens for a Reason A sunny day can become cloudy within a matter of minutes. A torrential downpour can begin with a few innocent drops of rain. Whirling winds accompanied by thundering storms can clear as if nothing has happened. Sometimes the sky can look as if any minute it will rain all day long. Our life is as unpredictable as the weather. We are often hit by unanticipated events. Nobody gets married thinking they will end up getting divorced. When awaiting the birth of their son or daughter, parents dream of an ideal child who is well behaved and delightful. Imagine the trouble when their offspring grows up to be quite a handful. Every business begins with a vision. Sadly, many businesses fail, leaving households in debt, which can subsequently threaten family bonds. It is no secret that a respectable, stable company can become subject to restructuring, letting go a large chunk of its employees. It is in our nature to yearn for security and adhere to the status quo, but this could not be further from reality. Your fervent wish could be for your child to excel at school, your husband to come home early from work, your wife to be more understanding, or for the world to accept you and appreciate you for the way you are. Will wishing solve our life problems? We envision ourselves living a certain life. When we get closer to that vision, we feel as if life is worth living. In our minds, having money when we need it, finding love when we

seek it, and breaking ties when relationships becomes cumbersome delineates happiness. To our dismay, life just does not unravel the way we want it to. Some things work out while others do not. Our life swings between happiness and misery all the time. The pendulum of life continues to swing back and forth. It is similar to the eternal cycle of life and death. We are happy for a moment but sad the next. There is a downhill for every uphill. Our lives will forever be locked in a pattern as long as we think that having our own way is the path to happiness. There comes a good occasion worth celebrating for every bad occasion. If your happiness depends on life events, you will never be truly happy. The high you get from achieving your goals resembles that of a drug; the more you take the drug, the more you have to have. Have there been any dark unhappy moments in your life? You may think you are going through a dark tunnel now, or consider a certain event the best thing that has ever happened to you. Upon closer examination you will see that negative events can leave you with a valuable lesson, while what you deemed â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;goodâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; can very quickly sour. Once you realize there is more to life than good and bad, you will be able to maintain inner peace. If you are easily swayed by emotions, remind yourself that your initial impressions of the things that happen in your life are not always true. What you think is good could turn out to be malignant. A challenging situation can become an opportunity. Know this and you will have the good sense to avoid emotional turbulence. I have been tortured and incarcerated for months. It was a horrifying experience, but overall it has helped me in my path to Buddhist enlightenment in ways I cannot fathom. If not for this, I would not have obtained the worldview that I have now. To give you an example, my attitude towards inmates when I speak at prisons changed dramatically after my time behind bars. Had I not served a sentence, I would have

lectured them saying something along the lines of “You may have done wrong, but repent and you can be an upstanding citizen.” Although I was locked up but for a short period, I got a glimpse into the mind state of the inmate. Because I was imprisoned for violating the law on assembly and demonstration, I was categorized as a political prisoner. During my sentence, I was put in a common jail cell as punishment for being uncooperative with my interrogators. I had twelve cell mates who were detained for misdemeanors. According to their stories, none of them was guilty.

Believing everything will work itself out is one way to be optimistic, but if you convince yourself that everything that happens is good, you will walk away with a valuable life lesson no matter what the situation.

If I were to visit a prison today, I would open my speech with the following question: “Isn’t life unfair?” This empathetic phrase would win over my audience instantly. It is the kind of knowledge you cannot get from reading books. I learned how most prisoners think because I have been in their shoes. No doubt it was difficult surviving in prison, but I was able to enrich my life experience as a result. With this attitude, you will be able to siphon off some good no matter how dire the situation. Accumulating life experience is what helps us mature. In our younger days, a harmless incident can feel as if it is the end of the world. When time passes, you come to realize how foolish it was to overreact to such a minor occurrence. The sky caves in when you experience your first heartbreak. After a while, though, you learn that the experience has honed your eye for good character and you have an understanding of the psychology behind romantic relationships.

Try to look at life events from an optimistic point of view. Besides, you cannot change what has already been done. As this is so, why be negative about it? I’m not asking people to be blindly optimistic about the future. Rather, think “everything that happens is good.” This way, no matter what your situation, you will be able to learn and even give to those who seek it sage advice based on your rich life experience. 18 P. 049 – p. 052 Time to Reprioritize People worry about surprisingly similar things. In our twenties we feel distressed over career choices and getting a job. What occupation best matches your skills? Is it the right time to settle down and get married? Will you ever meet a potential spouse? If you do get married— either it was the next step in a relationship or arranged by your parents—you will realize marital life is nothing near what you had in mind. After a big fight you come to wonder if you made the right choice. Then, before you know it, a new member joins the family. Making the decision to have a baby, let alone having one, can be a grueling process. It is not unusual for couples to have to visit fertility clinics. For others, the question is how many babies can you afford to have? Do you and your spouse go by the same childrearing standards? Taking care of a baby is a challenge, but just you wait until they grow up. When children hit puberty, they tend to shut you out of their world. The strain becomes intense and you feel yourself on edge. If you are a woman, you have to deal with your in-laws on top of all the above troubles. You have to visit an unfamiliar house and treat the people there as if they were your own family. As much as you try to avoid conflict, disputes with in-laws are often inevitable. Time really flies when you have a family to look after. Before you know it you are already in your forties, fifties, or sixties. By then, your children will be studying at college,

enrolled in military service, or searching for a job. Then come their marriages and the obligatory complications that follow. There are so many important decisions to make, so many issues to resolve. What have you learned through your mistakes? What will you tell your children when they go into their twenties and thirties—a time when you needed the most guidance? What precious wisdom do you have to hand down to your children? “Marriage is not all moonlight and roses. Think twice before you get into one.” “Fighting with your spouse in sight of your children is damaging to the family and especially to your children. Do not have children unless you are in a stable and happy marriage. If you do procreate, show your children a loving and devoted relationship.” Wouldn’t it be great to be able to share what you have learned from your life experience with your children? Are you not repeating the same questions your parents grilled you with after puberty? “Why are you still single?” “Is your girlfriend/boyfriend marriage material?” “How much does he/she make?” You would think two or three decades in wedlock would have taught you otherwise. With this kind of attitude, it would be no wonder if our lifestyle and mentality remained stagnant for thirty years, three hundred years, or even three thousand years. Buddhists call this process samsara or metempsychosis. Our wardrobe, diet, and home have improved dramatically in quality over the centuries, but we are taunted by the same problems, torn by inner conflicts, and frightened by uncertainty. If you have inherited bad karma from your parents, it would only be sensible to consciously avoid making the same mistakes. You may: hold a grudge against your parents for doting over your older brother, while you yourself favor your son over your daughter; complain about your snarky mother-in-law, yet treat your daughter-in-law the same way without noticing a pattern; remember with abhorrence your father coming home reeking of alcohol, yet develop similar alcohol dependency problems yourself; detest the impetuousness

of your mother, yet have the same tendencies. Instead of learning from our experience, we accumulate more hurt and pain. Perhaps that is why our children see us mirror our unresolved issues and loneliness instead of dispensing much-needed advice and wisdom. This is how suffering is inherited by the next generation. Mortal as we are, our parents will not be around forever. If you have children, they will be at your funeral when your time in this world is up. It is difficult to grasp what truly matters in life, as we are given only a narrow window. To get to the root of life’s problems, we must come up with a new list of priorities. What you have deemed important may not be of much importance at all. First, let go of your fears and uncertainties. Only then will your vision clear. This is the first step in your journey in search of true happiness.

(Chapter 2 Escaping the Four Universal Sufferings) We live as if we will live forever. Remind yourself that death comes uninvited.

P. 055 – 057 Departing Without Regret There was a businessman who achieved great success after years of backbreaking hard work. But the man fell ill before he could finally kick back and enjoy the fruits of his labor. The doctor’s diagnosis was that the businessman was in the final stages of cancer and that he had a year left to live. Many came to visit him at the hospital sorry that the businessman had but a short time to live after all he’d gone through. Imagine the businessman’s surprise when a close friend was killed instantly in a tragic traffic accident as he returned home from the hospital. From the businessman’s point of

view, his friend who had had only one day to live had come to visit him because he felt sorry that the businessman had only a year of life left. The moral of the story is that we do not know what will happen to us. You could be concerned over others while blissfully unaware that death is at your doorstep. We all know in theory that humans die. But we plan our days as if life will continue forever. We accept mortality only in the face of death. My first brush with death occurred when I was in middle school. My housemate and I were cycling home when his bike toppled over. He hit his head on a small rock and passed away immediately. This incident shook me to my core. Who would have thought he would go home in a casket? I was a sickly little child back then. Running in a 100 meter dash would leave me with blue spots all over my skin. I would often black out and collapse. A monk had told my mother that I would die before my time due to ill health. This remark was seared in the back of my head all my young years. I figured I would live up to my forties. To this day, I believe my life has been fuller thanks to this ominous prognostication. I was determined to make the most of my time. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Since I only have two thirds of the average lifespan, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going to live with twice the intensity to make up for it!â&#x20AC;&#x2122; I have fainted from fatigue numerous times due to tight schedules and grueling work. After I celebrated by fortieth birthday, I felt much more at ease, believing the life that came after was a bonus. I had worked so hard up until then that I was certain I would die with no regrets. Now that I am in my sixties, I do not worry about leaving this world with unfinished business. Because I always had death in mind for the first forty years of my life, I was able to make peace with my mortality. When someone is diagnosed with terminal illness, the common error the patient and

those around him or her make is failing to see what the cause of agony is. It is not the ticking timer that causes suffering; rather, what is devastating is the thought of having to count your days until death. The amount of sand that remains in your hourglass is not important. If you have one year, then you should live it to its fullest. Show gratitude towards those who have been good to you. Pay compliments to those who deserve it. Be more generous to those in need. After a year, you will know that you have lived a good life. We plan ahead as if death will evade us, but none of us knows when we will take the last bow. So live your days as if each were your last. A life with no regret is a life not wasted.

P. 058 – p. 061 Life Hereafter is a Bonus Our bodily functions deteriorate as we grow older. Visits to the doctor’s office become more frequent. This is when we give in to our inner hypochondriac. Fear of death is another common symptom. “I have scheduled a medical health check-up to see if I can pin down the cause of my chronic fatigue. I wonder if it could be cancer!” I frequently come across people who suspect cancer upon any abnormality. With extended life expectancy, a lot more people suffer from cancer. Cancer accounts for a high percentage of general deaths. We have yet to develop an effective medicine against cancer, which explains why we see a sudden rise in its prevalence. A slew of elements can cause cancer—from the food we eat and the air we breathe, to pollution and extreme mental stress. The most effective preventative actions against cancer are to live a stress-free life, eat healthy and organic foods, and get checkups so that you can get proper treatment during the early onset of the disease. Worrying over the possibility of getting cancer will only put you under more stress. If

you pick up on every single irregularity in your body and attribute it to disease, the anxiety will consume you. Understand that you are flesh and blood like everyone else. Let go of your fixation over good health and longevity. That way, you will be able to accept whatever comes your way, especially diagnosis of a disease. One day, a married woman came to me to consult about her problems. Her husband had been diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer. “The doctor had said he would live another three to six months. I don’t know if it was the chemo or natural diet, but he’s lived over six months since his diagnosis. Our friends and relatives can’t agree on whether or not to go with the chemo or stick to the natural diet.” There is no correct answer to this quandary. Some people pass away despite adhering to the doctor’s instructions; those who disregard the advice pass away just the same. Some decide to live immersed in nature and meet their fate there. As you can see, it is impossible to determine what may save the woman’s husband. They can begin a new life in the open and continue the chemotherapy as the doctor recommended. Whatever you do, it is important to give up hope of a full recovery. As dreadful as the situation may be, try to lower your expectations by telling yourself you will ‘do everything within your power.’ If you think about it, the woman’s husband already outlived his life expectancy by a few months. Regardless of how many days he has to live, he must think: ‘The time I am given hereafter is a bonus. I can have one month left, or even ten months left. Nevertheless, I am lucky to be alive now.’ With as positive a mindset as this, the husband will be able to be happy in his precious last days. If the wife were to obsess over healing her husband at this point, she would torment herself upon his death, feeling as if it were her fault for not choosing the right treatment. What misery that would bring! They can live out in the woods as long as the husband agrees. If the woman grows fanatical over natural treatment or chemotherapy, she

will obsess over the outcome. It is better for the couple to consider their efforts a success given that the man has lived longer than the doctor initially predicted. I wholeheartedly empathize with the woman, but we must remind ourselves that we were not designed to live for eternity. We are all destined to face death, whether it be ten years, five years, or three years from today. Trying to defy the natural order of life is destined 24

to fail. The woman and her husband have already achieved the seemingly unachievable by living beyond his life expectancy. Every day after that is a blessing. With a positive outlook, his life is a success regardless of the number of days remaining on his calendar. Take joy in the fact that the husband has overcome his mortal limits if but for a few months. Consider every living day a gift. Do not ask Buddha to ‘let him live a long life,’ but thank him for ‘bestowing another day.’ Be grateful for what you have and live free and happy. Wishing for a long life does not mean it will be granted. Besides, length of life is unimportant. Living each day with peace of mind to the very last is what matters. Who knows, perhaps letting go of the desire to live a long life will bring a calm that improves your life quality and even extends your longevity.

P. 062 – p. 068 Dementia – A Journey into the Subconscious World You may have heard people say old folk age backwards in their later years. People tend to sink into their subconscious and lose their grip on reality. Dementia is an extreme example. As if they have been sucked into a wormhole, they suddenly find themselves back in the past, totally unaware of their current condition. My father would say odd things on his deathbed. He would ask me to “Go keep an eye on the water level.” He had been a rice farmer his entire life. “Heck, the water’s

overflowing! Block the waterway!” My old man was living a scene from the past. Failure to understand what is going on in the head of someone with dementia will cause grief. “My mother-in-law turned 86 this year. She keeps looking for things that aren’t there and wanders off claiming she’s going to visit her childhood friends. Other days, she insists on going to her father’s grave.” 25 Happy memories tend to disintegrate while hardships and old wounds are etched into our memory.

This woman’s mother-in-law has reverted to her childhood that was dormant in her subconscious world. Dementia brought it out into the daylight. Now, all she talks about are her childhood friends and her father. Childhood memories are bound to last. A simple melody is all you need to remember the lyrics to a childhood song. Unfortunately, happy memories tend to disintegrate while hardships and old wounds are etched into our memory. I had the opportunity to sit with my friends from elementary school. Now over sixty years old, the ladies talked about how the boys cut their jump rope when they were in third grade. Even after a lifetime, they could remember exactly where it had happened and who had done it. None of the men remembered the incident; they even denied it. It occurred to me that I remember being punished for not doing my homework in first grade. My homeroom teacher would not have remembered if she tried. Let’s say you are put in a situation where you have to live with a person with dementia. Your best approach is to accept that the person has lapsed into his or her childhood. If they talk to you, simply chime in with the conversation. There is no sense scolding or lecturing a person who is already disoriented. Why trouble a person who is ailing?

Senile dementia, when severe, takes the patient back to their childhood. It is not uncommon to see seniors suffering from Alzheimer’s looking for their mother or father as if they were a child. As with the mother-in-law of the woman seeking advice, they may become hell-bent on finding their childhood friend. When they ask for their friend, do not snap back at them. Instead of saying “You’re friend died five years ago” say “You’re friend is in a good place.” Agree with them and take them on a quick drive around town. Do not feel perturbed if they insist on going on a search. Try to understand that they are lost in a waking dream. Converse with them the best you can. Flat-out ignoring their needs will hurt their feelings. When a person suffering dementia starts to harp on about the past, do not shuffle to find the right resolution. Do not answer “I want to meet my friend” by saying “Where can I find this friend?” Say “You must miss your friend so much.” If he or she says “I want to visit my mom’s grave” join in the conversation with a “You have not been there for a while.” If they insist on going to the grave, try stalling by responding with “Why don’t we go tomorrow or the day after? The weather is cloudy today.” Or say “Let’s go tomorrow morning or the day after. It’s too late to go now.” Due to their condition, they will seldom remember what they had said even moments later. Being with a person with dementia becomes overbearing when the dialogue repeats itself over and over again. Resist the urge to snarl back “How do you suppose you go there?” Be a good conversationalist. Besides, there is no point in actually taking them to the grave. Affirm their emotions by responding with “I see you miss your husband (wife)” or “Was your father good to you when you were young?” and engage in conversation. A woman who lived with her mother who was suffering from dementia came to me for advice. Her younger sibling had emigrated, but the woman was at a loss as to how to explain this to her mother.

People with dementia have trouble remembering what has happened in the recent past. They will ask the same question repeatedly. If they keep asking, tell them a white lie. Say “she went to school.” Give them the same answer whenever they ask. Consider it a Buddhist chant. Buddhist followers repeat the same phrase hundreds of times when praying to the Goddess of Mercy. By prayer, I mean to say view the situation in a positive light. If Buddhists can chant the same phrase hundreds of times voluntarily in prayer, surely you can repeat the same answer ten times. There is no need to give a long-winded explanation. For instance, if a person with dementia asks “where is my baby?” respond with a simple “she went to her room.” Whatever your answer is, the situation is beyond the patient’s comprehension. So make the answers short and keep it consistent for your own sake. A person with dementia is ‘not all there.’ You have no reason to give them confusing elaborate explanations. Giving them information or the truth is not as important as basic interaction at this stage. Your answer can be “she’s in her room,” “she’s at school,” or “she went downtown,” because what you say will not be remembered. Besides, dementia patents will not keep asking the same question throughout the day. They will stop at some point. Your job is to understand the condition and its consequences so that you do not suffer. Nobody wants to experience their memory fail over time. I had someone ask me if being a Buddhist monk helps prevent dementia. Unfortunately, there is no proof Buddhism prevents dementia. Dementia is partially attributed to genetics but it can also be caused by stress. Like any disease, those who are relaxed and comfortable have a lower risk of suffering dementia than those who are high-strung and anxious. This does not mean Buddhist monks have lower chances of suffering from dementia. That said, it is worth noting that not all smokers get cancer, and not all non-smokers are cancer-free. All we know is that smokers are more likely

to suffer cancer than those who do not smoke are. Based on that theory, Buddhist training could deter dementia with its calming and soothing effects. But there is no saying it can prevent dementia entirely. The objective of Buddhist training is to find peace, not to earn riches, gain social status, or stay healthy. No doubt you will be healthier and relaxed, as the training will have helped you find and maintain your center. A state of inner peace will reflect positively in your performance. Your golf scores will be higher than those of an anxious person; your arrow will hit closer to the mark than that of an unstable opponent; a venue run by a relaxed person will offer better customer service and result in higher sales. Despite such favorable effects, you must remember that any gain is but the byproduct of Buddhist trainingâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;not its objective. Accepting whatever condition is given to you is an integral part of Buddhist training. You have to be able to embrace your situation whether you are healthy or in ill health. If you are diagnosed with dementia, do not suffer anguish. Acknowledging your situation is the wisest way to cope with your fate.

P. 069 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; p. 074 How to Face Fear of Death Why do we fear death? The thought of losing everything you know may trigger an awful sense of yearning towards someone around you or even towards yourself. This sentiment fuels fear. Our fear of death has spawned legends and religions that promise a beautiful afterlife, devised to alleviate the terror we feel towards the unknown. Whether or not the afterlife exists itself is not important. What matters is that it was created to help us overcome our fear of death. It is often unbearable to think our loved one is dead and no more. Thinking they are in a better place gives those still alive great comfort. For this reason, there is no point trying to prove there is life after death. It is better to examine if

the idea is beneficial to people or not.

Leading a virtuous life will open a path to heaven not hell if there is an afterlife; so there is nothing to worry about.

I, for one, believe there are more benefits than harm. Humans have established the age old concept of an afterlife to overcome fear in the face of death, so I say we accept these methods. We must approach the idea of an afterlife with care because we know from history that it has negative side effects. Selling indulgence and conducting an over-the-top 49-day prayer ritual for the dead (sasibguje [49재]: a Buddhist-Confucian ceremony for the deceased) are examples we can find in textbooks. These cases show how religion can use fear as a means of extortion. From a monk’s point of view, fear of death is as real as a daydream. Accepting your inevitable demise as part of the natural order will resolve your fear; where your spirit goes after death will become irrelevant. When fear melts away, all the ideas that branched out from it becomes as futile as a dream. There can be good dreams; there can be bad dreams. Regardless, we open our eyes and recognize what we have experienced is nothing but a dream. Grasping the essence of fear will do away with stemming issues as if they were dispersing clouds. This is called ‘transcending matters of life and death.’ It means you have freed yourself from the misguided concept of life and death. The afterlife is a frequent topic in Buddhism. According to Buddhist beliefs, people go to paradise when they die or are reincarnated, but this cannot be proven. Every religion has different views on the afterlife, but none of them has established hard evidence. There is no point debating which religion is right when all is but theory. “No matter what your evil deeds, bathing in the holy river will wash away your sins

and you will go to heaven upon your death. But if you do not bathe, no matter how good you have been throughout your life, you will not be accepted into heaven.” Most Indians in Buddha’s lifetime believed this. People went to wash their bodies in the holy river. The bodies of those who had never bathed in the holy river were dipped in the water posthumously. Otherwise they would not go to heaven. A person who had heard of this practice went to Buddha and asked if the Brahmin were telling the truth. Buddha answered with a smile on his face: “If what they say is true the fish in the river will be the first to go to heaven.” What Buddha was saying is that if a man can go to heaven for being dipped in the river after death, the fish in the holy river will more eligible to go to heaven than any human. There is a lesson we can learn from this saying. Buddhists believe the greedy will be reincarnated as swine, the lazy as cows, the nasty as serpents. Pigs may look gluttonous when they eat, but they do not fight among each other for more food. Humans on the other hand, do not share food stored in their homes, even if there is someone starving right before their eyes. People are much greedier than pigs. We think lions are ferocious, but they will not touch a hare when they are well fed. We have created an image of a gluttonous pig based on the way they eat and made them synonymous with greed. There is no proof that a greedy person is reincarnated as a pig. Besides, reincarnation originated with Hinduism. Over ninety percent of Korean Buddhists believe in Hindu doctrines without even knowing it. This is due to misinformation. An old woman came to consult me about her troubles. “I pray to the Goddess of Mercy, but I am afraid my prayer will not be answered.” “What are you praying for?” “I am praying that my granddaughter is accepted into a good college.” “What worries you?”

“My granddaughter is a Christian.” She was irked by the fact that her granddaughter was going to church. So the woman felt that no matter how heartfelt her prayer, it would go unanswered. “Don’t worry. The Goddess of Mercy is more generous than you think.” Would the holy Goddess of Mercy care if the high school senior goes to church? Would she be a deity if she nitpicked? We are unable to overcome our own limitations in our religious beliefs. In doing so, we denigrate the gods, bringing them down to our own level. Going back, there is no need to ponder about the afterlife. Leading a virtuous life will open a path to heaven not hell if there is an afterlife; so there is nothing to worry about. How you live your life now is what counts. Doing yourself good today will ensure you have a better tomorrow. Being miserable today while hoping for a better tomorrow is like trying to catch a cloud. A man who has committed enough crimes to deserve punishment asking to be sent to heaven is crooked. Having done nothing to merit a pass to heaven but wanting to go to heaven or having lived a life of sin yet dreading hell is like waiting for a rotten seed to sprout and bear fruit. A real Buddhist should not be concerned over his or her life. True believers should be obedient to God’s decision regardless of what it is. The same goes for those who hold a religious belief. Why be hung up over life and death? If you are a Buddhist who believes each person will be held accountable for their actions after death, do not worry about a future that has not come to pass. Carry out good deeds today and live with a clear conscience. That will bring forth a better tomorrow. So what is there to worry about?

P. 075 –p. 078 Life and Death as Change Behind the desire to live a long life is a yearning to be with your close friends and family. As

implied by the old Korean anecdote “Living in a heap of dung is still better than death,” we cling to life even if it is full of suffering and pain. People tell themselves “I want to live to see my children get married,” “I want to live until I can hold my grandchildren in my arms,” “I want to live to see my grandchildren go to college,” then “I want to be at my grandchildren’s wedding” and so forth. We can try to ignore our mortality, but it lurks closer to us whenever someone dear passes away. The futility of life and fear of death resurfaces. There was a person who thought ‘If the soul is destined to vanish along with our bodies, what is the point in holding on to life so dearly?’ as he watched a close family member, emaciated after years of illness, struggle to swallow a gulp of water. Growing thin towards the end of your life is natural and not necessarily good or bad. If you think about it, the casket will be lighter to carry and it will take less energy to cremate. Quietly consuming every last bit of your energy like a dimming gaslight is a good death even better if you are lucid to the last moment. The Heart Sutra mentions the vital phrase ‘to neither appear nor disappear (不生不滅).’ It does not mean the universe continues without change for eternity. Rather it means we may think we experience life and death, but in truth, nothing lives or dies. Waves lap the shore at the beach. The waves keep forming and coming back until they break on the sandy shore. But if you take a few steps back, you will realize that the sea is stirring. The waves are small ripples that form at the edge of the ocean. Just as it is easier to think the waves are forming and breaking, life may seem as if it appears and disappears. This is not actuality; it is a matter of perception. A four year-old boy filled a bowl with ice cubes before going out to play. When he came back a couple hours later, he found the bowl was filled with water instead of ice. What did the boy say? “Mom, my ice is gone. Now I have water.” The mother, understanding what

has happened, can explain to the boy that the ice has melted into water. We look at life from the boy’s perspective.

Dying and returning to the soil is change, just as the daily replacement of body cells is change. Change is the only consistent phenomenon in this world, but we like to label what we see as ‘alive,’ what we do not see as ‘dead,’ and what we see again as ‘birth.’

That is why we rejoice when things appear, and despair when they disappear. When you are able to see the big picture, you will notice all is simply a matter of change. That is why we say ‘to neither appear nor disappear.’ Nothing new appears and eventually disappears in this world; what we experience is change. Dying and returning to the soil is change, just as the daily replacement of body cells is change. Though every cell in our body is replaced regularly, we do not see it as change. In the same way we think evergreen trees are green all year round, when in reality the browned pine needles fall out to be replaced by fresh green needles. Change is the only consistent phenomenon in this world, but we like to label what we see as ‘alive,’ what we do not see as ‘dead,’ and what we see again as ‘birth.’ Thoughts pop up in our head and evaporate as quickly as they appeared. You could promise your lover a lifetime together, but your love may diminish over time. Believing your feelings will last forever or hoping they will not change is wishful thinking. Suffering is not caused by change of emotion – it is caused by wanting your feelings to remain the same. Understand that everything in this world is subject to change. That way, you will not be tormented when change happens. Keep in mind that everything that exists will someday come to an end, the same way waves build and recede. We should not rejoice over what appears, nor should we be wistful about what disappears. Failing to see the big picture and

clinging to worldly values will leave you living in fear of losing what you think you have. Know that aging and death are part of universal law and live free of fear.