2020 Beaver Games

Here for a dam good time!

Hello my beaver fans! I hope your all keeping as busy as I am during this time, and by busy I mean furiously masterbating. So if you’re as sick of grinding up meat as Carol Baskin is then have I got something for you!

Since the Olympics have been postponed until next year, there is a new game in town that I like to call the ‘2020 Beaver Games’. Now don’t panic, my kind of sport does not require you to get too physical. Patricia, leave your nasty physical thoughts at your whore house, it ain’t that kind of article… this time.

Lets Begin!

Taekwon-Teddy

This is one that anyone can play. Go to your window and kidnap the bear that is currently part of the movement that has made parents around the country loathe going for a walk with their children, just to hear badly counted numbers. Once you have your bear, blast you speaker with Billie Eilish’s “Bury a Friend” and bury that teddy! Next step is to spend the whole day drinking, getting more drunk than you did that time at Garden Party before 8am. Once satisfied level of drunkenness has been achieved, now is the time to do the teddy bear hunt! If you can find the bear within 3 hours, I would call that successful. Added bonus, you’ve now done your weeding for the month.

Dadminton

Are you getting sick of doing family puzzles? If so, get ready for this abuse risking challenge! You are going to find your fathers favourite book, tear all the pages out like you’re a mother fucking sorcerer, and continue to cut out all of the page numbers. Hand it back to him with pride, showing your dominance. He may give you that same disappointing look you received yesterday, and the day before… but one must make the most of annoying the family opportunities while we are all stuck in the same bubble.

Footfall

Now I never thought I’d never bring it up, but because its 2020, there had to be some sort of a Tik Tok game. This one is in the name. How many times and in different places around your house can you trip over your own feet? Record these falls and upload them to Tik Tok. Let’s all face the facts, these will be the only trips you will be taking for a while, so go get those 20 views and 5 followers you’ve been desperate for since 2019.

Egg-uestrian

This game requires essential skills. Don’t even try it if you’re as co-ordinated as an autistic amputee. Reason for this is, we don’t want to be wasting food right now, and those shelves in the egg section were looking as empty as my bottle of rum last night. Keep one hand behind your back, give the eggs a crack and fry up yourselves a delicious chicken foetus. Bonus points if you film what will probably be a disaster (shells) and still eat your abomination of a meal.

That is all for this month my beaver followers, I’m going to get back to watching the final of Tiger King now. But I’ll still leave you with my monthly beaver motto…

“Carol Baskin is a bitch, Joe Exotic deserved better”.

Regards, Beaver