How To Get Your Life Back To Normal

Getting Back to Social Norm

Because you’ve just spent the last what feels like 3,927 days probably only talking to your cat, my top tips for re-entering the world are: don’t vomit on the first person you talk to, and no one needs to know you’ve spent the whole time washing your hands and staring out the window. There has been enough feline action from Joe Exotic without you having to take on the behaviour of your purring pussy. Calm your shit Patricia, we don’t need detail of how much your pussy has been purring.

Don't be Like Dumb Darryl and Have a Party

I know I’m being cliché, but do we really need another 4 weeks in lockdown? I think not. Even Karen has forgotten how to complain, and without her infamous haircut, she’s not even recognisable anymore. Everyone for themselves! Have yourself a drunken zoom party instead, play some dirty secret games to get the ball rolling. Good thing is, you can answer however you like and no one can beat you up for it, like those notorious first year boys…

What To Do About All Those Tinder Conversations

I’ve learnt now more than ever how many friends I have that are getting on that hoe train during isolation. Some are talking to 10 people on Tinder, others are talking to about 75. First of all, I don’t know how you all have time, so kudos! But… like most Tinder conversations, a lot of them are expecting it to result in a date or a bit of ‘hanky panky’. But if you’ve got 75 people on the go, why not organise a group get together if you want to meet them all? You know, the whole ’2 birds with one stone’. Or in this case, ’75 birds with one bone’. We all know that’s what Patricia will be doing once lockdown is over. Oi pharmacies! Start stocking up on your 3B cream! If you don’t want to meet any of these people and you’ve just been tindering for a bit of boredom busting flirtation, let the other person down easily. But remember, don’t feel bad, you are not obliged to meet someone if you don’t want to! I can’t blame any of you really, this lockdown has been tough, and if dirty talk and flirting is your way through it, then so be it. At least you’ll be an absolute profesh when it comes to actually meeting people in real life. Either that or this whole thing has made you more anxiety ridden than Demi Lovato coming out of rehab. Good luck out there nutshells. But anyway, that’s my shit for the month. Keep safe people! I’m looking forward to seeing all 15 students who read this in the flesh. But for now here is my beaver motto to get you through… “If the Tinders are clicking, you’ll be ready for a good dickin’”

Regards, Beaver