New Year New Standards Start Fresh

Is It Time to End That Friendship in the New Year?

by CORINNE CAVANAUGH

There is no real protocol for cutting off a friendship—which can lead to a whole lot of confusion. It is strange that friendships, which nourish and sustain and often provide deep connection, lack the sort of standards that are routine in romantic relationships. For instance if your significant other stops calling, makes impossible demands, treats you horribly, you deal with it BUT eventually you find out where you stand. Not so with friends. I had this friend I met in my early 40s and shared many of life’s essentials with— hairdressers, phobias (snakes & airplanes), health scares, worries over our kids and insomnia caused by husbands who snore. We were friends for nine years. Towards the later part of our friendship, I was becoming more and more aware of a tightness in my chest whenever she would call or text, and more often than not (thanks to caller ID), I wouldn’t pick up the phone. I felt guilty but that was preferable to spending hours listening to her talk only about herself, her kids, her day. I realized it was time to cut ties with a friend that was not reciprocating the same energy; who was becoming more and more toxic to me. Maintaining good friendships is a crucial form of self-care, providing comfort and encouragement that can boost your mental well-being. But for friendships to improve your life, they have to be good. Good friends do the following: be each other’s cheerleader; encourage healthy habits; share information, give each other good energy; show solidarity (have each other’s backs)— be the one who sings your praises behind your back. If a friendship no longer has these qualities, you might need to gently close this chapter of your story.

How to End a Friendship

Can you lovingly end a friendship?

It may help to consider that ‘love’ and ‘friendship breakups’ can coexist.

You might try giving yourself permission to:

• understand it’s OK and even natural for friend ships to end

• let go of sadness, anger or lack of ‘closure’ over lost companionship

• pursue new projects and friends.

But (and here’s the but) how do you actually know when the meter has run out on your friendship? How do you know it’s actually time to let go? Below are 5 steps that helped me release my friendship.

Try not to take it personally

No one is to blame. No matter who initiates the breakup, it may help to remind yourself that many friendships end.

Allow yourself time to grieve

I mourned the loss of my friendship. There were some amazing times we shared; however, I had to find some ways to safely release those feelings such as exercising; journalling; discovering new hobbies. If need be, vent to a trusted counsellor.

You can create some kind of closure

Closure gives many people clarity to move own - but that does not mean having the last word or them admitting they did or didn’t do something. Paths for seeking closure can be drifting away slowly; face to face conversation; a definitive break; a goodbye letter for your eyes only; figure out what you would say if you ran into your friend again.

You can concentrate on something new

Develop new interests— improving skills by taking a new class; cultivating new friendships; reconnecting with your values.

Lastly, it’s possible to love them from afar

Letting go does not mean forgetting your friend or holding grudges. You might even consider wishing them well.

Many friendships dissolve naturally over time as you grow up and grow apart. Sometimes letting go of a friend who is no longer a good fit for you can actually improve your quality of life. So if this is something you have been thinking about especially with the New Year approaching, I encourage you to soul search. New Year. New Standards. Fresh Start.