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Healthy Bonds
SPRING / SUMMER 2019
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M E D S P A
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The Jayhawk Club is a family-friendly community with resort-style amenities that features a newly designed 18-hole championship golf course, state-of-the-art Wellness Center and luxurious units at The Fringe. The Jayhawk Club is also the perfect place to host weddings, social and business events throughout the year. Memberships are now available for golf, athletic, social, dining and wellness.
Come see what The Jayhawk Club has to offer.
Golf. Wellness. Living. Lifestyle. 1809 BIRDIE WAY | LAWRENCE, KANSAS 66047 (785) 842-2929 | THEJAYHAWKCLUB.COM | @THEJAYHAWKCLUB
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TriCentury Bank is honored to be celebrating 125 years as your trusted banking partner. Through our communities of De Soto, Spring Hill, and the greater Kansas City market, we would like to thank our valued customers for helping us reach this milestone.
We Are Your Community Bank. www.TriCentury.bank De Soto Branch Spring Hill Branch
913.583.3222 913.592.5700
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DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY Trenton Bush CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Julie Dunlap Tracey English Cathy Hamilton Sharita Hutton Katy Ibsen Sydney Meyer Heather Perry Angie Viets EMAIL COMMENTS TO editor@LWomensLifestyle.com ADVERTISING INQUIRIES ads@LWomensLifestyle.com or visit: LWomensLifestyle.com/advertising SUBSCRIPTIONS LWomensLifestyle.com/subscriptions PUBLISHER Kern Marketing Group
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L Magazine is published bi-annually in 2019 by the Kern Marketing Group Inc. It is distributed via US Postal Service mail to affluent households in Topeka, Lawrence, Eudora, Baldwin, De Soto, Lenexa and Shawnee, Kansas. All rights reserved. No portion of this magazine may be reprinted or reproduced without written consent from the publisher. Articles and advertisements do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Kern Marketing Group. The Kern Marketing Group does not assume responsibility for statements made by advertisers or editorial contributors. Information in L Magazine is gathered from sources considered to be reliable, but the accuracy of all information cannot be guaranteed.
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Spring/Summer 2019
Writers
Letter from the Editor I love a bit of chaos. The best kind of chaos is creative chaos, especially the process of working with those who identify as creative. After 25+ years at Lawrence’s Channel 6, I had the good fortune to surround myself with these people. People who lived on the edge of deadlines, had innovative ideas and found ways to work with minimal budgets while always delivering quality material. After leaving the station, I thought I would run far away from the 3 a.m. weather calls, technical snafus and “Oh, um, we don’t have a director for the 6 p.m. news tonight” scenarios. But … I couldn’t tear myself away from the need to collaborate, coordinate and be creative, so my company, Moonblind Productions was born. I’ve been lucky to stay connected to those people from my TV station days and partner with many of them on Moonblind projects. This magazine fills another void: a need to tell area stories, highlighting women, their energy, positivity, tips and tales … and to surround myself with brilliant content creators. I’m proud of the talented writers we have assembled and look forward to the stories they will bring our readers. Ann Niccum, Managing Editor editorLmagazine@gmail.com
JULIE DUNLAP
TRACEY ENGLISH
CATHY HAMILTON
SHARITA HUTTON
KATY IBSEN
SYDNEY MEYER
Storyteller
Old Journalist, New Grandma
Writer, Editor, Publisher
HEATHER PERRY Fashion Blogger
Personal Fitness Trainer
Journalist / Superwoman
Marketing Coordinator / Word Connoisseur
ANGIE VIETS
Clinical Psychotherapist
To learn more about our writers, visit LWomensLifestyle.com/writers
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INSIDE
SPRING / SUMMER 2019
Departments
FOOD
10 | Another BBQ... What Should I Bring? Local Chefs Share their Best Side Dishes
PHOTO
14 | Splish Splash
Aquatic Baby Basics
LIFESTYLE
17 | School's Out!
Make the Most of your Summer
HEALTH
20 | Tone at Home
Eliminate Excuses with these Exercise Routines
Features
COVER STORY
24 | Mother-Daughter Strong Bonds
32 | Perfectly Imperfect
Embracing your Authenticity
Strong Bonds | 24
38 | Dr. Priti Lakhani Peace and Gratitude
45 | Caretaking through the Ages Three Women Share Three Phases of their Family Life
50 | Thrill of the Thrift
Why Secondhand Clothing is Becoming Oh So Vogue
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Another BBQ... What Should I Bring? Local Chefs Share their Best Side Dishes Story by Heather Perry
Photography by Trenton Bush
The sun is shining, birds are chirping. It’s basically a nature nirvana, the perfect time for an outdoor cookout with friends. Sounds lovely — until you read the caveat in Carol’s group text: mandatory side dish. Depending on your degree of seriousness of one day winning “MasterChef,” this assignment could be either exciting or terrifying. You recall the barbecue when Carol downed one too many wine coolers and flippantly proclaimed that she would “literally kill” the next person to bring just chips and salsa. Yeah, you all nervously laughed, but now you’re not so sure if your fanatic friend truly knows the literal meaning of literally. If she does, is it worth risking a basic pasta salad? Flashbacks to that thing she did in college resurface. You decide definitively that you’re not going to test Carol — ever. So now you have two options: scour Pinterest like everyone and their dog (coming soon: “MasterChef Dog,” Gordan Ramsay’s new Tuesday night distraction) or skip the internet guessing game and take recipe advice from local culinary experts. We did the hard work for you and asked chefs from Culinaria, Limestone and Merchants Pub & Plate to create dishes that are simple, yet elevated, and certain to impress the Carols of any party.
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The Perfect Summertime (Israeli) Salad By Aaron Pillar from Culinaria Ingredients: • 2 lb. local cherry or grape tomatoes • 3 bunches of Italian flat leaf parsley • 1 large or 2 medium English cucumbers (or Persian if you can find them) • 3 large lemons (squeezed) + zest of 1 lemon • ¼ cup sherry wine vinegar (or apple cider vinegar) • ½ cup good olive oil (the better you get, the better it will taste!) Spices: • 1 Tbsp sumac • 2 Tbsp Za’tar • Salt to taste Instructions: 1. Slice tomatoes in half. Dice cucumbers. Chop parsley. 2. Top with lemon, lemon zest, vinegar and olive oil. Add spices to taste. 3. Stir thoroughly, refrigerate for approximately 1 hour. Serve at room temperature as a side, on top of grilled meat or with hummus, flatbread or falafel. CONTINUED P. 12 »
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Grilled Eggplant Dip By Rick Martin from Limestone Ingredients: • 1 lb. eggplant, peeled and cut into 1-inch thick slices • 2 garlic cloves • 1 cup olive oil • Juice of half a lemon • 1 cup tahini • 1 tsp sea salt • Cracked pepper to taste Instructions: 1. Prepare a charcoal grill or gas grill to medium high heat. 2. Place eggplant slices snugly onto a sheet of foil and pour olive oil over and between slices. Let them rest for 5 minutes or until fully saturated. Add more olive oil if necessary. 3. Place garlic in a small foil pouch with a couple drops of olive oil. 4. Place eggplant directly onto grill and grill until slightly charred. Once charred, move to a cooler place on the grill. (Careful! Flames may ignite from dripping oil so be prepared to move them away from the flames quickly!) 5. Place garlic in foil on grill until roasted (about 5-8 minutes) 6. Grill eggplant on lower heat until soft and buttery. 7. Cool to room temperature and mix with grilled garlic and remaining ingredients in a food processor. Add extra olive oil to achieve desired consistency. Serve with rustic bread or lightly grilled pita.
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Elotes Corn Salad By Thomas Peterson from Merchants Pub & Plate Ingredients For corn: • ½ gallon fresh corn kernels • 2 Tbsp olive oil • ½ tsp salt • ½ tsp black pepper For salad: • 1 cup thinly sliced green onion, save a bit for garnish • 3 limes, juice and zest • ½ cup crumbled cotija cheese, save a bit for garnish • 1 cup mayonnaise (homemade is best, recipe at bottom) • 1 Tbsp ancho chili powder • Salt and pepper to taste Instructions: 1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Toss corn with oil and seasoning and roast on sheet trays for 12-14 minutes, stirring every few minutes until lightly toasted. Remove and cool to room temperature. 2. Mix all salad ingredients in a large mixing bowl, fold in the roasted corn and cool completely in the fridge. 3. When ready to serve, mix lightly one more time and garnish with extra cotija and green onions. Serve with your favorite chip or as a standalone side. For homemade mayonnaise: • 2 egg yolks • 1 Tbsp lemon juice • 2 tsp white wine vinegar • 1/2 tsp dijon mustard • 1 tsp salt • 1.5 cups canola oil Instructions: Puree the first 5 ingredients in a food processor, slowly drizzle oil in a steady stream to emulsify. Adjust salt if needed and refrigerate.
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Splish Splash Aquatic Baby Basics Story by Katy Ibsen
Photography by Trenton Bush
On Saturday mornings at the Indoor Lawrence Aquatic Center, a special gathering occurs in the shallow end. Moms and dads huddle up with their infant and toddler children, in the tiniest of bathing suits, to initiate their child’s experience with water. Created by the American Red Cross, this class helps parents (many of them first-timers) and their children, ages 6 months to 3 years, learn the basic skills needed to be comfortable in water. Migrating from the shallow end to a mid-depth area of the family-zone pool, the pairs circle up as the instructor creates a playful environment with a fishy song. The circle starts to slowly move in the water, while parents cradle or support their children as they splash along. For many onlookers, they are witnessing a child’s first time in the water — and it’s spectacular. The class is intended to get children adjusted to the water, teach them to be comfortable in a front and back position with assistance and to be submerged — which typically results in a few crying babies! CONTINUED P. 16 »
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“We really want Finn to be comfortable in and around water, which can be one of the dangers out there that parents have nightmares about,” says Mark Gordy, who attended a winter session with his wife, June, and their 8-month old son, Finn. “We agree that it’s important for him to learn to swim as early as possible, so it will be one less thing to worry about.” During the 25-minute class, parent and child pairs will capture a rubber ducky, practice kicking and splashing and experience being passed between a parent and the instructor. “It was really fun just to see how he reacts with water, and it seems like the more comfortable he is in it, the more fun he has,” Gordy adds. Included in the Lawrence Parks and Recreation Department (LPRD) programming, the Parent/Child class is offered
Justin Anderson, DDS
Lesley R. Nellor, DDS
year-round. A series of Learn-to-Swim classes offered through LPRD occur in succession to this class. “The Learn-to-Swim classes are important because youth are taught how to swim,” says Roger Steinbrock, LPRD Marketing Division. “Swimming is a life-saving skill that may help a young person avoid a situation where they could lose their life. By acclimating them to the water through swimming lessons, they become familiarized with the water and may develop better situational awareness should they encounter something problematic while in the water. Plus, swimming is a great physical, cardio activity that someone can do throughout their lifetime and it’s also a lot of fun.” As for these first-time swimmers, their class concludes just in time for summer swim parties to commence.
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School’s Out! Make the Most of your Summer Story by Sharita Hutton Ad Astra Alpacas
It’s that time of year again, the final weeks and days until the last day of school. Kids everywhere are embracing the summer months and the idea that there will be no homework, alarm clocks or tests. Many parents are left scrambling to find activities to occupy their kids’ young minds, keep them active, make them tired and avoid having to hear those dreaded words: I AM BORED! While the summer options seem endless, the choices come down to a number of factors: What will make my kid/kids happy? What will make me happy? How much will it cost? And so on. On top of all of that, there is the desire to find something new and exciting, something different, something, let’s say ... off the beaten path. So welcome to a list of just some of your summer 2019 options: Baldwin Who doesn’t love furry animals? And if you have never been around an alpaca, then you are missing out. Ad Astra Alpacas is located at 168 E. 1700 Rd. in Baldwin and gives your kids the chance to get up close and personal with these gentle and cool creatures. The owners of the farm ask that you give them a call and let them know the day you would like to head to the farm, that way they can have alpacas in an area easier to access so that you can feed and walk them. This is a wonderful experience for kids 6 and up. The biggest question the owners say they hear is, “What is the difference between an alpaca and a llama?” I will let you find the answer. Oh, and don’t forget alpacas do spit. Also in Baldwin, for those animal lovers, is Prairie City Miniature Horses. Dee Christ has hosted parties both at the farm and at homes for the past 6 years. You can make an appointment to visit her farm by calling 785-594-6767. Then pack up and take the kids for a day out to the farm at 92 E. 1600 Rd. to see all the miniature horses, baby goats and rabbits. There is also a tram to ride. Don’t forget your camera!
Prarie City Miniature Horses
De Soto As we are thinking about things to keep our two-legged kids active, many of us should also think about our -four-legged children. Kill Creek Steamway Dog Park in De Soto is a place that pets and kids will all enjoy. Located at 33460 W. 95th St., Kill Creek Steamway Dog Park consists of 16 acres of off-leash play paradise for dogs. Kids can rip and run with Fido, and parents will be guaranteed everyone will need a nap post-event. CONTINUED P. 18 »
Kill Creek Steamway Dog Park
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Zip Line KC
Ninja Training Obstable Tours
Bonner Springs Now the following is only for kids over the weight of 70 pounds, and those fearless individuals ready to get an interesting and exhilarating view of nature. Zip Line KC, located at 12829 Loring Dr. in Bonner Springs, is adorned with nine different zip lines that zig zag among a canopy of trees that you can race down reaching up to 50 mph at some points! Best advice: Make a reservation and plan to spend a few hours zipping around. Also, in Bonner Springs, and this is a new one for me, is Ninja Training Obstacle Tours. In fact, after hearing about Ninja Training Obstacle Tours, my kids and I put it on our summer bucket list. Located right beside Zip Line KC, this 2-hour tour meanders you through obstacle laden wooded trails. Along the path are various obstacles you must tackle -- everything from teeter totters, balance beams and hurdles, and pulling yourself up hills. The good news is you will have a guide to lead you. But come prepared, dress appropriately for a workout and bring some water. Before you leave Bonner Springs, make sure to make one more stop. Moon Marble located at 600 E. Front St. is fascinating for people of all ages. At Moon Marble you are able to see marbles being made right in front of your eyes. They offer a seemingly endless amount of games, both new and old, that you can play while walking around the store. And you will be wowed by all of the cool and unique marbles, each with their own name. Moon Marble is a spot that will definitely have the kids talking.
Moon Marble
Lawrence Prairie Park Nature Center located at 2730 Harper St. is 100-acres that are sure to tire out kids of any age, and, of course, adults. Pack your walking shoes and a sack lunch, and think about the day as more than just a trip outside. Think about creating your own scavenger hunt before heading out and seeing who can identify the most species of animals or find a certain number of flowers or birds. The good news is that families will have no problem making the nature center a daylong event with the walking trails, a 5-acre fishing lake and a visitor center that is full of live animals and things to check out. Not only that, but if you are looking for a summer camp option for the kids, Prairie Park Nature Center may be the option for you. They not only offer camps but events such as breakfast with the animals and wildlife exploration. So if you have a son or daughter who loves the outdoors and loves exploring -- or YOU just need an option to get them out of the house for a little while – this one may be perfect. ... just don’t forget the sunscreen. Let’s also talk about Mass. Street. What is there not to do on Mass. Street? From food and shopping to sightseeing, toys, antiques and much more. But how about planning the next trip down Mass. to look even deeper and to include the kiddos? Make a scavenger hunt. Maybe even invite some additional friends to join in on the fun. Some possible suggestions to add to the list (cheat sheet found at the end of the article): • Something haunted • Something that smells good • Find an original telephone • Find a typewriter • Find something that is cold • Find something not from the USA • Find a puzzle Have the kiddos take pictures and discuss their findings, and with all the great businesses you won’t have any problem adding to your own list. Afterwards you can pack a sack lunch and eat at the park. Or visit the library and pick out a new book to add to your summer reading list.
19 Kansas City It’s the F-word that many parents are tired of hearing FORTNITE! But if you have a gamer in your life, this is the place that will totally earn you some COOL MOM POINTS! The good news, while your kids are submerged in hours of parachuting to islands and battling total strangers, you can enjoy some great games, too. Local Legends Gaming is located at 3933 Main St. in Kansas City, Mo. We are talking everything from PS4s to Nintendo Switch and, of course, Xbox, all in one building -- hundreds of games, and the ability to take your gaming ability to a whole other level. You can spend the day here for around $10-dollars a kid. They also offer birthday parties where a gaming truck will come to you. And after an afternoon of gaming don’t forget to grab some BBQ. Another type of game can be found at the Negro League Baseball Museum. Located at 1616 E. 18th St. in Kansas City, Mo., the baseball museum is part of the historic 18th and Vine district. This is a chance for kids of all ages to take in a historical time that many do not talk about even in the classroom. Bucket List Here is an option that gives you a chance to use your imagination and affords your kids the chance to add a lot of input. Tradition in my house is, on the last day of school, to grab a big poster board and create what we call our “Summer Bucket List.” Every year it’s something different. From reading X number of books, to cooking a new meal as a family, trying a new food, swimming in so many pools over the summer, visiting a new state, even writing a letter (a letter that you have to buy a stamp and actually send). Some of the crazy items in the past have included: petting a kangaroo. Yes, it can be done, we did it, and hint: no, it was not at the Kansas City Zoo. We also went in search of a waterfall in the middle of nowhere. It was an experience the kids still talk about today, and they want to go back. The problem: We don’t really remember where it is. Do some homework and see if you can find one! This year’s list will include geocaching and visiting the giant chess set on top of the Kansas City Public Library, 14 W. 10th St., Kansas City, MO Of course, the task is to also find your own hidden gem, to make memories that will last a lifetime and, let’s be honest, tire the kids out to the point they go to bed early! Good luck this summer, and just remember, if all else fails you guys can always go see a movie. Scavenger Hunt answers: 1. The Eldridge 2. Waxman Candle 3. Lawrence Antique Mall 4. Lawrence Antique Mall 5. Cold Stone Creamery 6. Brits 7. The Toy Store.
Local Legends Gaming
Negro Leagues Baseball Museum
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Tone at Home Eliminate Excuses with these Exercise Routines Story by Tracey English
Take away the financial obstacle of paying for a gym membership. Let go of the notion that you have to exercise for an hour every day. And absolutely don’t believe the hype that you have to own a lot of fitness equipment to achieve long-term results. With all of those untruths out of the way, what’s your excuse? Why aren’t you exercising? Well according to three local fitness professionals, you may be the one getting in your own way. “I think people’s biggest obstacle to beginning is figuring out where to start and what to do,” says Lisa Allen, owner of Lisa Allen Fitness. “They feel overwhelmed in their lives already, and figuring out how to fit one more thing in is a monumental task.” Melissa Farve, Certified Personal Trainer at Underground Lab Fitness, agrees and takes it one step further. “What seems to prevent or derail individuals are the many stories we create in our own minds,” she says. “We talk ourselves out of it for various reasons: too busy, not enough time, fear of the unknown and not feeling like we can be fully committed.” Then there is the fear of failure that pervades many of our innermost thoughts. Eliza Hale, a personal trainer and endurance at The Wellness Center at The Jayhawk Club, believes fear can be the very thing that stops people from moving toward their goals. “Many people tend to look so far into the future at this big, audacious goal and forget to keep perspective so that when one thing goes wrong, they give up,” she says. That’s a lot to take in – the emotional commitment can derail many of us into getting back into exercise if
Photography by Trenton Bush
we have fallen off the wagon. It can also entirely block the desire to begin in the first place. Thankfully, the myths mentioned earlier – the need for a gym membership, a lot of time and/or equipment – are just that. They are myths. You don’t need as much time as you think. In fact, according to “Physical Activity and Health: A Report of the Surgeon General,” to improve health and reduce risk of chronic disease, we should aim to engage in at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise each week. This can be performed in 30-minute bouts of activity five days a week or it may be accumulated with mini-workouts throughout the day that are at least 10 minutes in duration. Ten to 30 minutes sounds doable. Not too overwhelming. According to Allen, for those just starting out, walking is going to “give you the biggest bang for your buck. Invest in a good pair of walking shoes and head out the door.” There also needs to be an adaptation period both physically and psychologically for those who are out of shape, she adds. Walking can be a great place to start. The following workouts can be done at home with no equipment. So take a look at them, tear them out and pin them somewhere in your house where you can refer to and use them. They are designed for that purpose. For more information about each of these moves, visit us online for more descriptions. In the meantime, try them out. You may be surprised at how well they work for you. You also may be surprised at how great they make you feel.
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At-home beginner bodyweight workout: Melissa Farve Perform the following exercises in each circuit for said amount of time. The goal is to perform as many rounds possible with little to no rest. Rest 2-3 minutes between circuits. Circuit 1: 5 Minutes • 10 Chair Squats or Bodyweight Squats • 10 Incline Push-Ups (hands on couch, chair or bed) • 10 Jumping Jacks or Step Jacks Circuit 2: 5 Minutes • 10 Split Squats (5 each leg) • 10 Door Frame Row (each arm) • 10 Alternating High Knees (each leg) or Stationary March Circuit 3: 5 Minutes • 10 Lying Leg Curls using towel (hips down) • 10 Plank to Knee Tap (5 each knee) or Plank to Shoulder Tap • 10 Speed Skate or Fast Low Side Step (5 each way)
Door Frame Row
CONTINUED P. 22 »
Lying Leg Curls - Hips Down
Plank to Shoulder Tap
Plank to Knee Tap
Melissa Farve
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At-home advanced bodyweight workout: Eliza Hale You can change up any exercise by varying the tempo at which you perform the exercise. After performing a 5-10 minute warmup, give these exercises a try with the tempo guidelines* for greater intensity. Perform each exercise for 45 seconds with 15 seconds rest between exercises. After performing all exercises, rest 1-2 minutes and then repeat for a total of 3 rounds. • Bodyweight Squat with Hold • Jump Squats • Alternating Side Lunge with Overhead Pull • Skaters • Push Up • Flutter Kick on Back w/ Hold • Alternating Elbow Plank with Reach Under *located on L Magazine Facebook page.
Bodyweight Squats with Hold
Side Lunge
Eliza Hale
Skaters
Alternating Elbow Plank with Reach Under
Flutter Kick on Back w/ Hold
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es g A ll A r o f
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Mother-Daughter:
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Story by Cathy Hamilton Photography by Trenton Bush
If families who play together stay together, the mother-daughter duos you’re about to meet have achieved next-level bonding. Not that everyone would call distance running, strength cycling and yoga “play.” But these moms and their offspring know that sharing a hardearned endorphin rush on the regular can breathe oxygen and, ultimately, joy into their relationships. CONTINUED P. 28 »
Susie Fagan (left) and Erin Fagan (right)
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Fagan’s at Mass St. Mile, 2012
Erin Fagan (left) and Susie Fagan (right)
Susie & Erin Fagan
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Susie and Erin Fagan Running has been a family affair for Susie Shaffer Fagan since she was a seventh-grader at South Junior High. My dad was a runner in the jogging era of the ‘80s,” Susie says. “He would get up early and run at Allen Fieldhouse, back when they allowed people to do that. My friend Sarah Houston and I would meet before school and get in shape for track season in the Fieldhouse because her dad ran there, too.” Susie’s running career stalled shortly thereafter, due to a bout of adolescent self-doubt. “I didn’t run in high school because I didn’t think I was good enough, which is silly when I look back on it now,” she says. “But I always say if I had run then, I don’t know if I would still be running now.” Her passion got its second wind when she was hired as an editor at the Lawrence Journal-World in the mid-’90s. “I was working weird shifts. Running allowed me to get exercise anywhere on my schedule. That’s the great thing about running. All you have to do is go out the door,” she says. Today, Susie’s cache of medals from marathons (including The Boston Marathon in 2008), half-marathons and assorted 5Ks, cover the entire kitchen table in their West Lawrence home. That is, on the rare occasion when an insistent guest asks her to lug that heavy metal downstairs from her dresser drawer. Now, Susie’s daughter has grabbed the baton to run in her mother’s footsteps and beyond. A junior at Lawrence Free State High School, Erin Fagan and her younger brother, Max, have been rising with the sun to watch their mom race since they were little.
“I remember going to her marathons and cheering her on,” Erin says. “My favorite was (Kansas City’s) Hospital Hill (marathon) because we’d always bring our swimsuits and play in the fountains. That was the motivator to go because it’s like a water park. We’d go to Panera and get bagels, then play in the fountains.” These days, roles have reversed with Susie supporting from the sidelines as Erin competes in track and cross-country at Free State — although this spectator isn’t content to stay in one place. “She’s found cheering spots that I didn’t know how to get to at RimRock,” Erin says. “She’ll go to the part of the course we call The Oven because it gets so hot. You go down a really steep hill, then it’s straight and there’s no shade. Then, you go back up a hill and that’s where she’ll be. I always get faster whenever I see her. I speed up.” Erin’s medal count is swiftly closing in on her mom’s, as is her collection of BIB numbers from every race she’s run. Those include holiday-themed 5Ks when the entire clan gets into the act including Mark Fagan, Erin’s dad. “We’ve done Father’s Day and Mother’s Day races and we always do the Thanksgiving 5K as a family every year,” Susie says. But, the best runs are the ones mother and daughter share alone. “The main time we run together anymore is on Sunday mornings on the river trails,” Susie says. “It’s usually an easy, enjoyable run especially if I can go in front. Because she’s faster than I am now, for sure.” CONTINUED P. 28 »
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Pamela and Rachel Gibbs Pamela Gibbs grew up in Bloomfield, Missouri, a small farming community in the boot heel region of the state. As a child, she dabbled in dance and gymnastics because the town had little else to offer in terms of physical activities for girls. “Instead, I took piano lessons,” Pamela says. Those lessons led to a Music Education degree from KU, a Masters from Baker University and a 20-year-plus career teaching music at Quail Run Elementary School. Pam’s daughter, Quail Run second-grader and force of nature Rachel Gibbs, likes to hang out in the music room after school before running off to ballet, gymnastics or play practice at the Lawrence Arts Center. The daily itinerary is tight, to say the least. As a single mom, Pamela needed to find a stress-relieving outlet for herself without putting a burden on the family schedule or budget. A creative solution was born. “I used to go to yoga before I had Rachel, and I really missed it,” Pamela says. “I figured I could pay a babysitter or pay for her to go to yoga with me. It made sense for us to go together. I loved what yoga could do for her, as far as learning that discipline and having focus and flexibility. I started bringing her when she was in kindergarten.” Rachel wasn’t exactly sold on the idea in the beginning. “I didn’t want to do it because yoga is sorta-kinda boring,” she says. That’s because Rachel’s default speed is sorta-kinda fast. So, as a compromise, she and Pam take the Beatz class, which combines
yoga with gymnastics and hip-hop music, whenever it’s offered at OmTree Shala on Massachusetts Street. “It’s more fun for her and exhausting for me,” Pam says. “But that’s how you get better.” Every Tuesday evening, however, mother and daughter zenout in the Sun Flow class where Mom stretches at a more relaxing pace and Rachel becomes one with her pink yoga mat. “My first mat was pink with butterflies. Then that one got too small, so now I have a gray one with pink on it,” Rachel says. Rachel’s preferred poses include the Wheel, Downward Facing Dog, Cobra and the Crow, a tripod arm-balance posture she executes with little discernible effort, much to her mom’s chagrin. “Let’s just say I’m a master of the Crow prep,” Pamela says. “My body can’t quite do that yet.” Rachel now admits to being a yoga convert. “When Mom makes me go, I get to be next to her and tell her when something’s wrong. Then, I feel better. And, I really like the end. That’s the part of yoga I love most because you just lay there and they play music and spray good-smelling stuff on you,” she says. Pam says the discipline of yoga is starting to reap benefits for her 8-year-old beyond her expectations. “It’s an hour-and-a-half where there’s no talking. For a second-grader, that’s really a challenge,” Pam says. “And, she doesn’t talk during class. Although, once in a while, she’ll lean over and whisper, ‘I love you, Mom.’” CONTINUED P. 31 »
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Rachel Gibbs (left) and Pamela Gibbs (right)
Pamela & Rachel Gibbs
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Jane Marples & Kate Marples Simpson Jane Marples (left) and Kate Marples Simpson (right)
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Jane Marples and Kate Marples Simpson In addition to her full-time position as an associate at Stevens & Brand law firm in downtown Lawrence, Kate Simpson teaches two Cycle Strength classes per week at The Jayhawk Club. She owes the side gig to her mom, Jane Marples. “Mom got me into cycling. She went to RydeBarre (formerly at 15th & Wakarusa) one day, called me and said, ‘This is so awesome. You have to come and try it. The barre stuff is so cool!’ I said, ‘Fine, whatever. I’ll try it for you.’ So, I went and loved it. It was different than anything I’d ever done, and I realized that isometric body-weight strengthening is something you miss when all you do is cardio. Now, I’m teaching classes with essentially the same format, and Mom takes my class.” A nurse anesthesiologist who recently retired from LMH Health, Jane is no stranger to fitness trends. “When I was in college, I ran because that was the easy, cheap way to exercise,” Jane says. “Then I joined a club where I took old-style aerobics classes and could swim. I did videos like Jane Fonda and all the step stuff.” Originally from Dodge City, the Marples moved to Lawrence after Kate’s high school graduation and a career-changing sabbatical for her internist father.
“I lived there until I was almost 19,” Kate says. “The last year of high school, my dad (Dr. Douglas Marples) went to violin-making school in Salt Lake City. Mom was planning to go, but it was the one place on earth where she couldn’t get a nurse anesthetist job at the time. She decided to be nice and let me finish high school in the town where I’d grown up. Then we moved to Lawrence, and Dad moved back to Lawrence, too.” Now that she’s retired, Jane opts out of the 5:30 a.m. Thursday class but attends Kate’s Saturday morning session faithfully, which presents an interesting mother-daughter dynamic. “Sometimes, I feel like I can’t do it up to her expectations,” Jane says. “There’s not a lot of people older than me. I feel like I’m not in as good of shape as I’m trying to be.” Meanwhile, Kate finds it challenging to treat her mother like any other student. “I probably do focus a little more on Mom. I’ll know if she doesn’t like what I’m doing. If she can’t hear the music or if the music is too loud, she’ll let me know,” Kate says. “I can’t see how hard she’s working or what gear she’s up to on her bike. That’s up to her. But she always does great.”
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32
EMBRACING your
AUTHENTICITY
Story by Angie Viets, LCP, CEDS
Laughter erupted amongst our fourthgrade class. Thirty years later the cause for the outburst is irretrievable; the humiliation moments later remains permanently intact like the tiny handprints my brother and I made in the setting concrete floor of our new garage on Elm Street. All I know for sure was an abrupt transition took place from being part of the laughter to the source of it, as my teacher instructed me to come to the front of the classroom. “Your laugh sounds just like a witch’s cackle,” he teased while placing a tall wastebasket before me, grabbing a wooden broom and instructing me to pretend to stir the witch’s brew in his makeshift
cauldron while cackling. I feigned laughter although my cheeks seared with rage and my hands shook as I moved the old wooden broom in circles. Fear of future embarrassment resulted in attempts to stifle my laugh. Somewhere along the way, as I stepped more fully into myself and out of the heavy cloak of conformity, I reclaimed this instinctual part of myself and stopped the incessant apologizing. I embraced the fullness of my boisterous laugh, recognizing that attempts to dull any aspect of our most authentic self in favor of another are oppressive and unacceptable. CONTINUED P. 34 »
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Angie Viets
34
Shame is Universal Everyone has similar stories of silencing or playing down parts of themselves (behaviors or beliefs) for the sake of belonging, approval and acceptance. When we stay stuck in our shame stories we struggle with being real, convinced future rejection is imminent — and damned if we’re going to have that rug yanked out from under us again. We’re guarded and cautious with our authentic selves, adhering to a belief system born out of past hurts. The likelihood of protection increases, yet the loneliness resulting from never fully being known is crippling. As young girls, many of us were conditioned to appear pretty, polite and, sadly, even perfect. Thankfully, this outdated model is making its way into extinction with the movement to empower girls, creating space for them to be expansive, brilliant and bold.
The Power of Vulnerability In my psychotherapy practice, I reference Brené Brown with the frequency of a preacher referring to Jesus Christ. Brené’s body of work on shame, vulnerability and courage resonates with me on a soul-level (the place within you where you recognize truth so completely you don’t even bother to question it). Millions of other people feel similarly given her TED talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” is one of the top five most viewed in the world; not to mention she has a slew of New York Times bestselling books. When I listen to her books on Audible while walking my dog, I catch myself saying, “Mmm girl … preach!” If Brené says it, it’s bible. Here’s what she has to say about authenticity: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice — a conscious choice of how we want to live. It is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen. At the core of authenticity is the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable, and to set boundaries.”
Thursday & Sunday
Authenticity is an Attractor The litmus test for whether a person is inhabiting a space of authenticity is whether or not you feel drawn to them and want to move in closer, or you sense inauthenticity and want to bolt. Your heart either expands or contracts in their presence. Because authenticity is a moment-to-moment choice, not an intrinsic quality, you’ll observe people who show up incredibly authentic when they’re one-on-one with you, yet become inauthentic in large group dynamics, while a host of others are seemingly the same regardless of the situation. We can tell when someone is true to themselves, just like we recognize when we’re true to ourselves. It’s instinctive. It’s how we decide, often without proof, if someone is trustworthy and reliable. Are they a person of their word? You know the person who says, “Let’s get together for coffee soon,” yet when you follow up they give a vague response with no actual intention of getting together. It feels fake and phony. Hard pass on both. Recently, while sitting around a large conference table comprised of interesting strangers, I found myself increasingly curious about the woman sitting adjacent to me. As she spoke and shared her ideas, some of which were inconsistent with the majority, I held my breath a bit in awe of her willingness to respectfully, yet audaciously share her point of view. Her beliefs were grounded in her values, and it was evident she didn’t need anyone to agree with her. She seemed solid and steady. I walked out of the meeting and thought, “Now that’s a person I want to know.” (By the way, some of the most authentic people I know are under the age of 13 and over the age of 60). • Think of someone you know who inspires you to be more authentic based on their authenticity. What do they do, or better yet, not do that feels authentic to you? • How would you like to be more authentic? • When do you feel like your truest self? Are you alone, on stage or gathered around the kitchen island with friends and family?
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Inauthenticity is Disempowering Rest assured, you know when you aren’t getting the most authentic version of someone — they tend to come across as insincere. Engagement is typically at a somewhat superficial level and fails to deliver any sense of true connection. When you’re around a person who functions form an inauthentic place, you don’t gain meaning from the interaction — it feels perfunctory and uninteresting. Inauthenticity has common themes: approval-seeking to gain validation, judgment of others and an unwillingness to learn from past mistakes. It tends to feel like there’s an invisible barrier between you and the other person. • What would you let go of to be more aligned with your most authentic self? • When do you feel the least authentic? • What or who would you say “no” to, with the goal of saying a more authentic “yes” to something else? If you notice the tendency to be less of your authentic self in a particular setting or with a specific person, perhaps you could spend a few minutes visualizing what would be different if you were more fully your real self. Maybe you could challenge yourself to be 25 percent more authentic as a starting point the next time you encounter that situation or person. Take a few minutes to journal or simply reflect on how it went. Be mindful of anything you noticed internally in your body, externally in how you acted, as well as any shifts in how others related to you. Resisting Authenticity The resistance to authenticity — both mine and yours — is fear; fear of disappointing others, fear of being judged or rejected and fear of abandonment in extreme cases. Underlying the worry is the inaudible question: If I show you who I really am, will you still accept me? For me, the most challenging part of being true to myself is boundary setting — both with myself and others. As a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone’s feelings. However, the price of saying “yes” to someone else while saying “no” to myself is one I’m no longer willing to pay. Those who truly love and respect you will honor your boundaries (even if they don’t like it). Conversely, if they dismiss the boundary or judge it, well, they weren’t “your people” to begin with, and you may need to accept losing them. But guess what? When you set boundaries to live authentically, you gain a life of living in alignment with your values. Isn’t that essential to living a meaningful life? • What boundaries have you avoided to keep someone else happy while dismissing what was best for you?
Embodied Authenticity Becoming your truest self is an invitation to be less armored, less defensive and far less critical of yourself and others. It requires shedding the over-identification with the ego in favor of knowing and loving yourself fully. Authenticity can feel risky at first. There’s a steady surveying of the land to see to whom and where we can be real. It’s releasing yourself from rules and expectations. and caring about what others think. With consistent practice, you’ll find yourself more at home no matter where you land. Many women said they felt like their most authentic selves when: • Outdoors in nature — hiking, kayaking, surrounded by trees, the ocean or mountains, all while having the sun on their skin. • Surrounded by people they love who fill them up with connection, laughter and inspiration. • In motion — practicing yoga, running, dancing or swimming. • Nurturing and tending to things they love; babies, animals or gardens. • Being alone in the stillness of the morning. • Creating, reading, learning about something they’re passionate about or traveling somewhere new. Will you have the courage to be your most authentic self today?
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Dr. Priti Lakhani
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PE ACE & GR AT I TU DE Story by Julie Dunlap
Photography by Trenton Bush
Dr. Priti Lakhani was six years old the first time she managed a medical emergency. She came home from school one afternoon to her family’s small, tworoom flat in Bombay, India, to find her mother curled up on the floor, sweaty and vomiting, with her toddler-aged sister standing beside her. “We were Third World country poor,” she recalls. “No bathroom, no hot water, no telephone. … I did not own my first pair of shoes until we came to America.” Her father had immigrated to the United States 18 months earlier and would have another 18 months of working and saving before being able to afford to bring the rest of his family over with him, unknowingly leaving the young, barefoot Lakhani in charge of their family’s fate that day. “I picked up my sister and leaned down to my mother and asked, ‘Mum, what’s wrong?’” Lakhani says. “She whispered back, ‘I don’t know. I’m so tired. I cannot move.” While she would later learn her mother had survived a potentially deadly case of typhoid fever, the six-year-old captaining the ship in that moment only knew her mom urgently needed a doctor, and that locating one in time would be as vital as it would be difficult. Fortunately for her entire family, she was able to find help in time for her mother to make a full recovery. Eighteen months later, the three Lakhani women who had survived three long years in deep poverty half a world away from their family patriarch reunited with him in America. More than 40 years after that harrowing afternoon, the young girl who had saved her mother’s life and family’s security is still seeking medical care for those in dire need. CONTINUED P. 40 »
40 Global Outreach Lakhani went on to become a surgical podiatrist with a successful practice in Topeka for 15 years, always acutely aware that her survival — and the survival of countless other children around the world — had depended on her mother’s ability to support her family, unhindered by societal expectations or medical limitations. Her ever-deepening understanding of this truth led Lakhani to enroll in Harvard University’s Master in Health Care Management program. “I knew another physician could treat the patients I was seeing,” she recalls of her final years practicing surgical podiatry, “but I needed to be somewhere else.” She soon found herself in class with 22 other students, only five of whom were women and only three mothers like herself. A classmate from Cameroon, Dr. H. Moka Lantum, had implemented a pilot program for affordable prenatal care in sub-Saharan Africa which granted pregnant women pre- and postnatal care as well as delivery for five dollars. The program had a successful launch, but enrollment seemed to flatline at around a 15 percent participation rate. “It’s Maloney’s Rule,” Lakhani explains. “The first 13-15 percent of a population will buy into a new concept, but the remaining population generally needs to see proof this new concept works before buying in.” Lantum wasn’t sure how to get a larger sect of the population on board, so he turned to his three classmates who were moms for help. Impressed with the program and intrigued by the opportunity to help it grow, Lakhani quit her job and moved to Africa for nearly six weeks, with the backing and support of her husband, Mark Manna, and their son, Paul, now a sophomore in high school. “I moved to a Massai Village to live with these women and find out why they wouldn’t get prenatal care,” she says. The answer was heartbreaking. After meeting a number of young women who delicately avoid-
Mt. Kilimanjaro, Africa
ed explaining their reasons for foregoing this vital care, Lakhani met a young woman, a second wife to a man in the village, who shared her commonly held reason. “She told me that having a second wife is cheaper (for the husband) than paying $5 for prenatal care,” Lakhani says. This young mother’s blunt and simple truth — that women’s bodies were essentially disposable to the men — meant the program’s founders would need to take a different approach to marketing if this program was ever going to benefit the masses. “Public health posters only show women and children, not the men,” Lakhani explains. “But we needed to market to men because they hold the purse strings.” Lakhani worked with a team to revise Lantum’s program with a new series of incentives: Mothers would receive a new onesie with each of their first three prenatal visits; those who gave birth in a health center would receive a blanket; and women who returned for a postnatal care visit received birth certificates for their babies and another onesie. This change both motivated women to take the time to seek medical care and shifted the mindset of the men in the village, as the onesies and blankets became a status symbol worth having. “If your newborn has a onesie,” Lakhani explains, “you have money.” Lakhani not only helped to conceive, organize and implement the program, she even climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise awareness and funds early on. (Yes, that Kilimanjaro.) Her efforts have paid off. To date, more than 6,000 babies — roughly the number of all elementary schoolers in Lawrence — have been born through Operation Karibu, with additional programs that employ women to create the outfits that clothe the village’s babies.
41 Regional Care Since graduating from Harvard -- and climbing the highest mountain in Africa -- Lakhani has continued to use her medical knowledge, administrative training and keen intuition as a healthcare adviser, starting her own healthcare consulting company, Edicine, last May. Her focus is on bridging the gap between medical care and society’s most vulnerable populations with clients ranging from the YMCA of Greater Kansas City, where she is helping widen their outreach for weight and blood pressure checks as well as colon cancer screenings in urban areas, to Kearny County Hospital in rural Kansas, where she is helping healthcare professionals reach the immigrant population employed by Tyson. The project hits close to home. Lakhani reveals, “As an immigrant, there’s a mantle you put on your shoulders, and it’s very heavy.” In understanding this mantle and recognizing the burden it places on immigrants to the U.S. firsthand, Lakhani looks to it as a North Star for directing American healthcare professionals to employ a stronger sense of cultural competency when treating people from different parts of the world. Tyson recruits and employs international refugees at their Kearny County location, providing employment and a path to residency in the U.S. Tyson started working with Kearny County Hospital last year with a grant to screen employees for chronic illnesses such as diabetes and hypertension, but they were struggling to get this extremely diverse population to come in for their screenings. “There are 29 languages and 130 dialects spoken at the facility, some of which I’d never heard of,” Lakhani shares with amazement, “and I’ve traveled all over the world.” While trying to conceive a way to engage a large group of people who seemingly only share a workplace, Lakhani recalled a former professor’s lecture on the multi-sided rhinovirus, which shares a shape similar to a soccer ball. “Soccer is universal. You don’t have to speak the same language,” she says with a smile. Not only would a soccer ball appeal to immigrants across cultural boundaries, its rhinovirus-like, multi-sided shape makes a perfect canvas for healthcare providers to print healthcare tips. These soccer balls will be given away through regular drawings for those who elect to be screened for these chronic illnesses, placing much-needed information into the hands of the families who need them, especially their children, who often speak both English and their parents’ native language. CONTINUED P. 42 »
42 Personal Connection This kind of innovation and unity with humans on a global scale has led Lakhani to a new connection with another lifelong passion: journaling. “A gratitude journal has saved my sanity at different phases of my life,” Lakhani says. She is particularly drawn to handmade paper from her native India but knows often the working conditions are unhealthy and the process polluting. “I’m this passionate public health person who wants to bring beautiful stuff from India to the U.S., and I can’t do that on the backs of (the people of India),” she says. In researching eco-friendly paper companies, Lakhani found a company in Kansas City, Shizen Paper and Design, who contracts with eco-friendly manufacturers in India to import handmade paper. She teamed up with her friend and business partner, Thea Rademacher, to open Peace of Papers. Lakhani also promotes Shirzen’s products at other retailers, including the KU Bookstore. Lakhani believes in the power of connection, whether pen to paper or person to person, no matter the distance. “I want to bring something beautiful from where I’m from to where I am,” Lahkani says. Whether this is care for our world’s most vulnerable or expertly crafted art, she is successfully bringing that beauty everywhere she goes.
Dr. Priti Lakhani
For more information on Peace of Paper, please visit www.peaceofpapers.net
For more information on Operation Karibu, including how to help mothers obtain life-saving medical care, please visit www.2020microclinic.org
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Caretaking
AG E S THROUGH THE
Doe eyes stare up at her. His newborn fingers grasp at nothing as she holds the bottle for him, her fingers stroking his smooth cheek. She embraces him carefully, comfortable already with the feeling of a newborn in her arms, the naturalness of his dependent gaze. “It sort of feels like my life is not mine, it’s his,” Ann Brooks says. Her eyes are warm as she stares down at her six-week-old son, Jedidiah. Caretaking. The most selfless of roles. A necessity at each phase of life: from motherhood to taking care of adult children to helping with parents. For most women, the role of a caretaker is a given — their lives are defined by the needs of those around them. There is beauty in this selflessness, but within this love and devotion, there comes a need for balance. “In my mind, I was like, ‘I’m going to have all this time to rest and recover and have time to work on projects and hobbies,’” Brooks says. “I didn’t realize that a newborn takes up all your time, all the time.” As a first-time mother, Brooks is learning the joys of motherhood: her baby’s expressions, the crazy growth patterns, the joy
Three Women Share Three Phases of their Family Life Story by Sydney Meyer
of holding someone so completely yours. However, she’s learning the hard parts as well, namely, existing at the beck and call of an infant for 24 hours a day. Becoming encompassed with the needs of others provides ample opportunity to lose yourself. When you’re constantly focused on another person, obtaining the balance between fulfilling both their needs and your own seems impossible. These days, we wear our busyness like a badge of honor. There are events to go to, things to be done, costumes to be made, living rooms to be cleaned. Focus is pulled in every direction, and no one understands that more fully than a mother with children still living at home. When asked what life was like with children in the house, Sara Brown, mother of two, responds, “Since they’re both teenagers now, busy and expensive.” With games, projects, papers and events, life with two teenagers becomes hectic and demanding. “The only constant is change. No matter how thoroughly you think you plan anything, there are no guarantees,” Brown says. CONTINUED P. 46 »
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Though it may seem as though it’s on the other end of the spectrum, caretaking as an empty-nester can be almost as time-consuming as caretaking children still in the home. Audra Seyler, mother of two adult children, finds herself with more free time than she had before, but her thoughts are constantly on her children. “The first semester was a big, huge adjustment. I was used to forever, for like 19 years, spending my time either at a ball field or a gym pretty much year-round, being involved with Adam or Alex’s activities. So it was kind of weird for me to have to adjust to not having to do that … it just felt awkward,” Seyler says. As children make the transition to adults, they become set within their own ways, reluctant to allow their primary caretaker a say within their new, grown-up lives. After both of her sons graduated and moved out, Seyler discovered the challenge of remaining a parent who wants to be involved in her children’s lives, while allowing them the independence to make their own decisions. “Once Adam went to college, I’m still trying to, not nurture him, but lead him down the path he needs to go to be a successful adult,” Seyler says.
47 Learning to transition between roles is a lifetime endeavor. As children grow and settle into their own families, people age, dynamics shift and, in some cases, you become caregiver to your own previous caretaker. This is a difficult transition to make — a reality Treasa Toland faces each day. After her father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Toland took on the role of full-time caregiver, putting aside her life to take care of his. “My health stops me from working a full-time job, which allows me to be the full-time caregiver,” Toland says. Taking care of a parent provides a different dynamic than taking care of a newborn. A baby is utterly reliant, subjected to your will. A parent has lived on their own, has made their own decisions, and doesn’t see their adult child as an individual with authority. “It is like having an adult child with a mind of their own,” Toland says. “A toddler, you can control a little better.”
THE CAREGIVER
Constantly focusing on another person, serving them, checking in with them, making sure their needs are met, is an exhausting process. One that, too easily, can leave you feeling less than a person, completely out of tune with your needs and joys. Self-care is ever-important, the only source of sanity afforded to those who have placed others before themselves, and it looks different for each individual. Without self-care, those moments of relaxation and rest, it’s too easy to lose yourself. Brooks practices self-care by making the bed each day and maintaining her work schedule. “To keep my sanity, I went back to work,” Brooks says. “Three or four weeks in, I just hit this point where I was like, ‘Uh, I don’t feel like myself, I feel like a whole ‘nother human in a different dimension of life … this is just not reality anymore.’ And so I was talking to Seth, and he encouraged me to just go and do something that I was doing before ( Jedidiah) was born. So I went back to work and eventually got way more sane and way more emotionally stable.” Finding alone time helps Brown balance her busy life to find internal peace. “I go in my bedroom, shut the door and turn on a fan to buffer the sounds from the rest of the house a couple of times a week,” Brown says. “Also, I sometimes put my headphones in and listen to a podcast while doing chores or cooking dinner. When the weather is nice, I like to spend time out on the porch.” Seyler found her self-care in attending sporting events, giving herself the freedom to choose which sports she decided to involve herself in. “Now, I’m in control and I’m choosing what I want to spend my time on. And it’s kind of nice because I am tired after work, to just go home fix some dinner, and not do anything,” Seyler says. “I’ve picked up reading things again. … I totally forgot what it was like to sit down and read an adult book. … I’m in charge of my time now, it seems like.” For Toland, volunteering with other people and finding moments for herself to read and spend time with God gives her that opportunity to reconnect. “For the first two years … it was totally aimed at him, an I was kind of on the backburner,” Toland says. “It’s important that I do try to take care of myself because if I go downhill, the alternative for him is not good.” Finding these moments of sanctity, of relaxation and self-focus are absolutely necessary. Because caretaking is hard. It is stressful and long and exhausting and doesn’t stop. There are, of course, silver linings within the never-ending job position. They make themselves known in the sleepy smile of a newborn, in thoughts of what it will be like as they learn and grow. There is joy found in finding new relationships after the kids have moved out, learning what it feels like to dictate your own schedule. There’s immense peace that can CONTINUED P. 48 »
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be found within the realization that your parent is in your trusted hands, that, though they may not act appreciative in the moment, they would rather have you helping than a stranger. However, there is also intense pressure placed upon each woman who endeavors to live her life devoted to another. There will always be people telling you the exact method to change a diaper, or the perfect way to learn to operate without your children in the house. We make assumptions about what we’re capable of handling based on other peoples’ expectations. We compare, adjust and berate ourselves for not fitting into the perfect picture, not realizing that each case is different, that each situation is unique. You can’t fill up another’s cup if yours is empty. There are methods to take for relaxation, but this process cannot be dependent on
self-help articles. There are no “5 Easy Steps to Find Yourself” or “3 Routines for a Better Life.” Each life is different, each person is unique and each circumstance varies. To compare yourself to another is to become blind to what makes your individual journey so beautiful. “You just have to figure out, in your mind, the best way for you to handle it,” Seyler says. “I don’t think there’s a set mold for anyone to follow. I think it’s all on you to figure out what makes you happy and how to deal with it.” Caretaking is a gift. It is big and hard and beautiful, and there are moments that leave you breathless, both with exhaustion and amazement. So remain present, enjoy each one, because time is fleeting and these moments do not last forever.
LEAKY FAUCET? TAKE ACTION!
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We are excited to offer you a selection of wines from Schnaer Family Wines. Since his earliest days in business, Miles has lived by a set of values that has shaped the culture of Schnaer Family Wines and the way we do business. At Schnaer Family Wines, we want you to experience the difference of our small, family-owned business that provides delicious,award-winning, quality wines that are all hand-crafted. Schnaer Family Wines partners with the Lady Hill Winery, in St. Paul, Oregon. Lady Hill is a True Northwest Winery. Lady Hill is crafting wines that express the diverse character of the Pacific Northwest wine countries. The Pacific Northwest is one of the most exciting and dynamic wine regions in the New World. Lady Hill’s higher latitude means we get more sunlight than Napa Valley during the growing season and the coolness of our nights delivers dramatic diurnal shifts that allow grapes to naturally retain acidity and achieve fresh varietal character. We invite you to try a glass and fall in love with Schnaer Family Wines.
SCHNAER FAMILY WINES LOCALLY OWNED BY THE SCHNAER FAMILY AVAILABLE IN KANSAS AT: Cedar Creek Liquors Cork & Barrel Justins Discount Spirits On The Rocks Valley Wine & Spirits Lukas Wine & Spirits AVAILABLE IN MISSOURI AT: Harry's Wine-Beer-Liquor
learn more about our award-winning wines at:
SCHNAERFAMILYWINES.COM produced from Lady Hill Winery, St. Paul, Oregon
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Story by Heather Perry Photography by Trenton Bush
Superheroes and thrifters have at least one thing in common: an origin story. Elizabeth Daniel began hers in high school with a pair of oversized Brigitte Bardot sunglasses she resurrected from a garage sale graveyard. Some say her thrifted heart grew three sizes that day. “You could make a whole jacket out of vintage tags,” Daniel muses as we swig margaritas in between burrito bites at Jalapenos Mexican Grill in Tonganoxie. “I would wear that.” Daniel is the quintessential cool girl, zestfully unapologetic and not shy of saying exactly how much she paid for her weeknight outfit like we’re in an old Mastercard commercial: velour navy jumpsuit, $2; fitted green turtleneck, $1.50; 1970s puffer jacket where
the sleeves zip off to transform it into a vest, priceless — obviously. Daniel discounts clothes she sells in her Facebook group, Elizabeth Daniel Décor, because she wants others to love vintage as much as she does. “Most people are just more likely to try it for $7 to $10 rather than $50,” she says. “That’s what is so great about thrifting because you don’t always get what you pay for. It’s like the one time where that rule can be disregarded.” It’s been a respectable run for Daniel and other longtime thrifters in their underground utopia of cool, but, as she is eagerly aware, they’re not the only players in the game anymore. The secondhand stigma is over and thrifted fashion is going mainstream.
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el of Elizabeth
Elizabeth Dani
Daniel Décor
e, Lawrence
Wildman Vintag
That’s billions with a B According to recent reports by resale clothing website ThredUp, secondhand fashion is growing 24 times faster than traditional retail. One out of every three women shopped secondhand in 2017, and the resale apparel business is on track to be worth a whopping $33 billion by 2021. It’s a good thing that Lawrence has a variety of consignment shops to keep thrifters entertained, including Arizona Trading Company, Ditto Resale Boutique, Plato’s Closet and Wild Man Vintage. Owner of Wild Man, Phil Chiles, says he doesn’t meet many people who question buying used. “When someone expresses any kind of reservation about it, it just sort of surprises me. I didn’t know anybody thought that anymore,” he says. Wild Man Vintage offers fun, wearable resale that’s slightly modern with old-school flair. Chiles admits
that Lawrence is not the best market for making tons of money off individual pieces — he references a Los Angeles area friend who is able to sell high-end vintage items for up to $500 — but the town’s enthusiastic consumers, made up of people who are “open to the idea, who like seeing things they’ve never seen before” keep his store thriving. “I try and learn from the customers,” he says. “There’s a lot of things that we have that I think, ‘I don’t know if anyone wants this’ … and then you see someone try it on and utilize it in a way that really makes sense.” That’s the beauty of the thrift community — its eclectic members are difficult to pin down. But even in an industry catered to individualism, there are common themes. CONTINUED P. 52 »
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hiskey Kitten Vi
Emily Kate of W
Thrift Rule #1: It’s chic to be cheap The widely reported retail apocalypse is evidence that shopping trends are evolving. Major department stores such as Macys, JCPenney and Sears have shut down stores in recent years, and it’s predicted that one out of every four malls will close by 2022. Shoppers have grown increasingly savvy, including DIY blogger for Blue Agate Abode and self-proclaimed “curator of the unloved,” Miranda Wulfekoetter, who would rather skip the mall pretzels. “I could shop new and end up with one more expensive item, or I could head to a thrift shop and come out with two bags full of great finds,” she explains. Even “The Queen” actress Helen Mirren is on board. She is quoted in a 2010 interview with The Sunday Express as saying, “On my way from the airport, I ask the driver to take me to a good charity shop, and I buy boots, socks, trousers, jumpers, sweaters, hats and scarves — usually for $30. … On the way back to the airport, I have it all in a big bag and drop it off at another charity shop.” If that morsel of “Stars! They’re just like us!” surprises you, consider the ThredUp statistics that 10 percent of resale shoppers are millionaires and that 94 percent of women say they rarely buy clothes without a discount. That debunks the myth that thrifters are all financially challenged, but let’s debunk another one just for fun: Your friend: “Used clothing is dirty.” Daniel says: “It’s just a shirt; you can wash it.” What you can say: “Do you bring your own silverware to restaurants?” We could do this all day.
Thrift Rule #2: Fast broadband, not fast fashion The internet mercifully allows us to sit in our pajamas on the couch and still score a bargain. Sites such as ThredUp, Poshmark, The RealReal and Facebook Marketplace are thriving alternatives to physically (ugh) trying. Convenience is obviously number one, but many thrifters also believe that older clothes are better quality than the new stuff. “A lot of clothing that is available to those with smaller budgets just is not made well,” Wulfekoetter suggests. “When you buy secondhand, you can see how materials wear after washing, and you can easily pick out the quality pieces.” With a multitude of resale options literally at our fingertips, there’s less need to shop fast fashion, a term used for inexpensive, ready-to-wear clothes that are rapidly produced. Emily Kate, owner of Whiskey Kitten Vintage, predicts that fast fashion will be the cause of weak vintage inventory in the future. “The quality of the clothes we purchase is atrocious,” she says. “Vintage clothing in our future will not look the way it does now. It may not even exist, because clothes won’t last long enough to be vintage.”
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Thrift Rule #3: Save the whales Keeping up with the Joneses, or at least their trending closets, is contributing to extreme environmental pollution. International textiles association SMART states that Americans throw away 25 billion pounds of clothing each year. Along with air, water and soil contamination intensified by the production of crops, fibers and dyes, the apparel industry is one of the largest polluters in the world. But don’t start creating your “End is Nigh” posters just yet. The sustainable fashion movement is trying to minimize dangerous consequences by buying used and by holding retail chains accountable. “We’re all using resources. It’s all our responsibility for the waste we’re creating,” says Kim Criner, Education and Outreach Coordinator for KU Center for Sustainability. “There’s just so much that goes into making something. If we can give it more life, that’s an extension of the resources that were used to make it.” KU Sustainability’s focus is to help the university grow without increasing its carbon footprint. The organization achieves this through campus and community partnerships involving waste minimization, recycling and energy conservation efforts. In terms of sustainable fashion, the center focuses on student move out days by holding a large collection effort at the end of the school year with the Sustainability Action Network. “From our end, we’re keeping that stuff out of the landfill,” Criner says. Donating used clothes is an easy way to get started if you want to make an eco-friendly difference, because only about 20 percent of clothing is reused or recycled. “Our daily lives depend on our resource consumption, so being knowledgeable of where our resources come from and how we’re using them should be an everyday function of our decision-making,” Criner says. “It’s part of being a human.”
Thrift Rule #4: Let your freak flag fly Wild Man Vintage crafted an elaborate and outrageous window display last year that encircled its mad-scientist-garbed mannequins with hundreds of pieces of laboratory glassware. The inspiration? The unbeatable deal Chiles got on science equipment from the closure of an old college. “Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t,” Chiles says of his fanciful exhibits that change when inspiration strikes. The same could be said for our last, and, arguably most important, thrift rule that actually isn’t a rule at all: Don’t apologize for the weirdness. Be like Wulfekoetter, who in college made all her outfits from finds she scored at the Salvation Army, Lawrence Antique Mall, Arizona Trading Company and Wild Man Vintage: “You never know what you are going to find. You may come out empty-handed, or you could come out with the most amazing pair of bellbottoms from 1971.” Be like Kate, whose favorite vintage piece is the fur-collared beige coat she discovered at an estate sale: “Every time I wear my coat, I think about the second life I am giving to a truly beautiful piece that meant something to someone before me.” Be like Daniel, who can’t help herself from scouring thrift stores, garage sales or the internet for unique finds: “I do it all the time. I’m searching marketplace, or if we have an hour before I have to pick up my older son from preschool, I’m at the thrift store. Not because I feel like I’m working, but because this is my favorite thing ever.” Most importantly, just be yourself and enjoy the thrill of the thrift.
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THE
WORD
We hit the streets to ask local women about their favorite “L” words. Story by Sharita Hutton
It is about truly living. You only have one life; make sure you live it to the fullest.
SARAH WATTS
SYDNEY CAMPBELL
IVY LIN
It is my sign, but surprisingly most of my life I have felt the exact opposite of all the sign’s traits. Until now, as I am getting older, I feel like I need more attention, and not only that, but I am a more loyal person. In a world that is super crazy, you need someone to be loyal. I am a business owner. So that means I spend most of my days at work, and, sadly, away from my family. But it’s the people that come in and make me laugh or take the time to have a fun conversation, those are the times and moments that really stand out to me. A role for which women are unequivocally qualified and MUST fill in every facet of our society including government, academia and business.
CINDY HOLSCHER My hometown is Lawrence, and it is that place that I can go to feel love and acceptance. I moved to Overland Park in 2016, but Lawrence will always be home.
SARAH CULLOR
CAROL ROYSTER
There are so many types of love out there. When you think about it, there is the love for children, which is pretty powerful. Love for fellow man, and the romantic kind. It’s just overall a powerful word... It means unconditional. Something that is good at times, great at others and is not always easy.
SHARON WATTS It is who we are supposed to be.
SHELLEY IPPOLITO
Real. Local. Lending. “Life can be a beautiful, crazy mess sometimes. Believe me, I know. That’s why I am dedicated to making your home buying experience as easy as possible... So you can get back to real life.”
- JESSICA WOLLESEN FIRST STATE BANK & TRUST FIR MORTGAGE LOAN ORIGINATOR
785-312-6810 JESSICAW@FIRSTSTATEKS.COM 609 VERMONT ST LAWRENCE, KS APPLY ONLINE AT: JWOLLESEN-FIRSTSTATEKS.MORTGAGEWEBCENTER.COM
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“
To my friends at LMH Health, thank you!
“
— Megan Hill, breast cancer survivor
Live well and enjoy lifelong health. To be healthy, you need a partner for highly personalized care at every stage in life. Take Megan, for example. As a five-year cancer survivor, Megan is a testament to the power of comprehensive and individualized care. At LMH Health, we provide guidance
for your most important health decisions. From prevention to diagnosis, specialty care, health education – and our new survivorship program for helping patients thrive after cancer threatment – we deliver what you need to live well.
Choose your partner for lifelong health at lmh.org/partner.
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