Childless by Choice? by Linda Barnby Sarah and John have stopped discussing having children. “It’s just too painful to discuss,” Sarah says quietly. John says, “Why talk about something that’s not meant to happen?” When becoming pregnant isn’t easy and quick, it’s natural to question whether becoming parents is “in the cards” for you. I often hear stories about how couples came to remain childless. “Being ‘child-free’ is right for us”, they say, sometimes with tongue in cheek. Or, “We weren’t cut out to be parents”, as their lips form a thin line. I usually detect more than a little regret as, uncontrollably, their imaginations play the “what if” game. Sarah and John gave up trying to conceive years ago. “If we were meant to be parents, it would have happened,” Sarah shared. Sarah got busy with her life, her job, her friends. John plays a lot of golf. They say their lives are happy and complete. Yet when talk of children comes up, pain floods their faces even behind the masks of stoicism. “We’re happy the way we are, aren’t we? Why make any changes?” they reason. Yet, deep down, they feel a twinge of longing, that a God-given gift is being left unclaimed. Why do some choose to take decisive action while others do nothing? One couple who came to see me were struggling to make a decision. Susan, a nurse, was determined to become a mother. Kevin, the owner of a landscaping company, hardly spoke. I surmised that Kevin was extremely fearful of creating a situation worse than being childless and seeing his wife hurt. Susan, although anxious about adopting, was eager to get started. Kevin too had mixed feelings. Yet his goal was to avoid pain and loss at all costs. After weeks of discussion, they finally decided to take the plunge. Rachel, five months pregnant, decided Kevin and Susan more than met her expectations. In fact, she grew to love them as they continued to spend time together. About a month before the baby was due, Rachel called to say her situation had changed. Her parents, previously unwilling to help her, had had a change of heart. She was going to live with them until the baby was born. Susan and Kevin were devastated, but gave Rachel their full support. This spun Kevin emotionally right back where he began. His reaction was, “See? We were never meant to be parents. The failure of our adoption plan proves it.” As I presented them with several other adoption opportunities, they declined each one. But still I knew they both desperately wanted to be parents. Kevin had turned the corner and acknowledged to himself that he wanted to be a father. The adoption failure, though, paralyzed him with fear of more potential loss. As his paralysis seemed to have infected
Susan too, I began to wonder if they were every going to emerge from their grief and fear and move forward with a new adoption plan. One day, Rachel called to say she wanted to place her baby for adoption, but only if Susan and Kevin were still willing to adopt him. Susan was beside herself with joy. Kevin, however, had a different reaction. Fear slammed him in the face again. When Rachel brought her son to meet his new mom and dad, they all felt that it was “meant to be.” When Kevin held his son for the first time, he melted, clearly over the moon with happiness. Are people truly childless by choice? Or are they childless by fear? Kevin and Susan walked over the hot bed of coals that was their fear. They chose to put themselves at emotional risk to achieve their dream of becoming a family. And their lives have, happily, never been the same. If you are in “childless limbo”, will you allow fear to keep you from living your dream? I encourage you to sit down with an infertility specialist, or adoption professional, and talk about your options. I promise you will be overwhelmed with the incredible joy waiting for you at the end of your journey. Will you take the first step?