Teach your teen how to manage their anger

teach your teen how to manage their anger Acknowledging and working through big, scary feelings

By Dana E. Baker, Psychologist

Anger is a typical, healthy, emotional response to the stress your teen experiences at this stage in life. You need to give your kid the right to feel and own their anger - as well as the tools to do so. After all, anger helps us understand when our buttons are being pushed, when our values are not being respected, or when someone else is ignoring our boundaries.

But how can you help your teen feel and express that anger without going overboard and throwing a fit? The starting point in dealing with angry feelings is to acknowledge them. Without being judgmental, say to your teen, “I can see why you’re angry.” This helps your teen feel validated, so they can accept these strong emotions and begin to work through them. It also keeps you from becoming another source of that anger or the target of that anger and puts you in a better position to help your teen cope.

The next step is for your teen to figure out the triggers for their anger. What is the root of the emotion? For instance, if a friend shares a secret with someone else, yes, your teen is probably mad. But what other emotions is that anger masking? Are they hurt that a friend broke their trust; embarrassed that someone else knows and is worried it might result in being laughed at or judged? It is often more complicated than ‘just anger.’ The emotion of anger lets us know that something is wrong, but it also involves thoughts, feelings, and actions. When your teen can take control of any one of these, they are in a better position to manage their anger in a healthy way.

Understanding anger in our teen also means understanding our own relationship to anger. Growing up, I was often told, “You’re not mad, you’re just hungry. Or tired. Or…” And now as a mom, I totally get where that was coming from - ‘hangry’ has been around for a very long time! But to dismiss all of your teen’s intense feelings with a Snickers bar sends the wrong message. As a teen and into adulthood, I closed up when I was angry. I tamped down my feelings because I was told that wasn’t what I felt; so much so that I stopped recognizing anger altogether in myself.

One time in university, I was on the phone with my boyfriend after taking a long run, and he asked me what was wrong. I was confused - nothing was wrong. But then he said something I will never forget. He said, “You always run when you’re mad. It’s what you do. You clean, and then you go for a run.” When I thought about it, he wasn’t wrong. I was lucky my outlet had been running when I was younger. But too often, nowadays, when young people find a way to avoid feeling angry, the outcome can be negative. They may get depressed or use drugs or alcohol to push away or cover up emotions that they think aren’t valid.

It’s also important that you are dealing with your own anger in productive ways because then you can better serve as a role model for your teen. Be willing to talk about your feelings in an acceptable way, to show your teen how to healthily cope with their emotions, and if you lose it (which you will because you’re raising a teen), apologize and talk with them about what you could have done better. If my husband and I argue in front of the kids (it happens!), we later apologize and explain that though we’re angry and fighting, we still love each other.

While you teach your teen what anger is, how to identify it, and that anger is okay, you also need to teach them how to express it appropriately. Anger can pass as quickly as it comes in a hormonal teenager. So, suggest simple tricks, like leaving the room to be alone or walking outside. Sometimes, just a change of scenery or listening to music is enough to change a mood. Another approach is teaching them mindfulness and slow, deep breathing - this is a lifelong skill that will help them with almost any intense emotion.

But remember, even once you’ve given them these tools for handling their anger, it doesn’t mean they won’t act out. It’s easy to get caught up when your teen is angry or in a funk, so remind yourself that these behaviors are a way of expressing or dealing with a more complex issue. Their actions and moods are often masking something else that’s going on - quite likely unrelated to whatever may have triggered them with you. The best thing you can do is listen to them openly or, if they are really having a moment, leave the room. Sometimes your teen may need a little space before they are ready to tell you what’s wrong. For me, the best time to find out what was going on with my teen was at night. Bedtime allowed some quiet space for us to connect. No pressure, often no light to see them even. That dark, quiet place allowed them to open up or just be.

Dana E. Baker, Psychologist, offers coaching and parenting advice from the trenches: a non-judgmental ear and tips/ feedback based on the science, psychology, and reality of parenting. Her writing has been published by Huffington Post, TODAY parents, Your Teen Magazine, ADDitude Magazine, Scary Mommy, and others. Reach her at parentinginreallife.org. CCM

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