HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
9/8/92 DISCLAIMER: IF CAUGHT READING THIS I DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT I MAY OR MAY NOT DO TO YOU.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
GONE FROM FINDING 6.3.14 In the first of your journals I turn a page and you go from January of 1990 to October of '91, from worrying a touch from your ex-girlfriend's best friend to having broken up with her. In '91 you wrote: I've gone from finding myself to find out what my self means. All the absence turning a page. Every time I get to this place the shift in handwriting sparkles as if I始ve come on stars unclipped from the sky. Every time I get to this place I wonder about all the gaps between us, all the empty
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pages, all the tethers cut. Every time I get to this place, the day you died, I rewrite this poem as if there were a way to close the gap, to return you to the world.
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1/9/90 With this pen I can do so little yet so much.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
1/24/90 But with this pen I can do so much (more) littler! It's a finer tip.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
9/22/92 simon tries poetry ha! ha! ha! ha?!
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FROM HERE TO THERE 10/3/92 from here to there lies three paths each one takes you from here to there, and there is no right no wrong no inbetween because on every path there is right and wrong
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
WATERING THE VINES Wild dogs pushed between the ferns where my brother would hunt monkeys with a blow gun that resembled a section of a tent pole. He worked his way through the tight vines that clambered out of the carpet and peed where ever he liked. My parents could smell that something wasn't right with the potted cactus on the stoop, but didn't suspect Simon until they heard him screaming from his room. She found him in his undies, his hands over his crotch, tears collecting on the underside of his chin. The light socket still cackled as the last of the urine sparked and evaporated. After that he stopped watering the vines, the jungle trees. With no moisture the jungle browned and grew
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a soft skin of dust. A fire went through the house, cleared the last of the undergrowth. Then even the jaguars gave up on the dessert of carpet and cream painted walls. I found only the den where his wild dogs had starved to death behind the dryer, their carcasses fading among the stray lint and feral static sheets. I made a place for their bones inside of me and in the weeks that followed the forest took root and there were vines growing through my veins, feeling their way into my fingers, through my legs, vines urging me to unzip my pants and pee freely where ever I might feel the urge.
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1/11/90 To Ted Sun who killed himself the early morning of 1/11/90. Some time back Keith Taminga did the same.
1/17 Margie Hanton died of lukemia & complications from a ski accident from which she burst her overy. My sophmore year Brian Johnson died of head injuries instintly in a car accident. Chris Gaskill 1990 shot himself.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
THE REST OF US 7.11.06 People shoot themselves after closing their windows and duct taping flannel quilts over the pane to block out the gray morning, they have heart attacks on bike trails, lay their faces against the grass, the last thing they say is a dull emerald forest. People hit trucks on their motorcycles, snap their necks against the cab and die in the air a mile from their homes. We wait. We sigh and turn off our radios, we name ourselves for our dead dogs and chase old friends after we've gone to sleep on the couch, spending ourselves even in our sleep.
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IS THIS SOME GAME is this some game im playing in my head? whats up with the way im thinking? soooo many questions and no answers. who am i? simon no! why am i simon? you came that way why is simon so important to you? he is only important for him self and his time for importance comes when he is ready ready for what? i cant say why? he will be ready when his desire is gone – no more questions im tired
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
A BIRD IN THE DIA 7.17.06 At the gate next to mine in the Denver airport there is a pigeon picking at a bag of popcorn. I'm here to stop worrying about whether I have anything to write for my brother. But how did a bird get inside the terminal? All I know is if I'm lucky at the end of this poem where no one has died, where every time I come, I come to die, I will find this bird breaking from the floor into the air
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by the high windows, I will believe that eventually it will find the open sky.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
12/6/89 I am a very spontanious person. I DON'T LIKE ORDER IN MY LIFE – another point I must stress. So alot of stuff in here is spurratic: if I'm listening to some music I like I'll (sometimes) write down the lyrics. Another note, I am dislexic. This means I, as a person, see things strangely – my spelling is very, very bad and I can't understand some things... but I componsate. As one who reads this can see my handwriting changes constantly. My theory is that when I'm bored, tired, not paying attention or stuff like that I get very sloppy and my dislexia shows more. When I'm wanting to do something – such as now – I am a little more neat and if I try I can be really, realy neet but most often I'm not trying too hard!
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
ON HEARING YOU'D DIED 6.4.06 After all, on hearing you had died our brother raked the wooden floor of his house, broke off his fingernails. I sat on the sidewalk. Across the street an old man was mowing. I watched a blue-belled lilac blossom. He mows most days. The petals fell open, sliding apart. When they were done, the old man had stopped his mower, stepped off and pushed it into his garage. The world feels nothing. I picked the flowers, trying to loosen my hand from yours, to remind myself you will always be as long as I am here keeping you. That day, you spread like those petals into many selves.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
AN EASY THING 6.30.06 On the day you died there was a rain of skinned animals that blocked the road from my house and broke the big window in the living room into splashes of dried flesh tones and bone. The world became many shifting worlds. I remember the neighbor was pushing his lawn mower up against his house, the cars idled down the street through the shoulder deep bodies as if I was the only one who knew they were there. I imagine that I was on a bus that day, going home from third grade and I passed a wreck and the other kids blocked my view and I came home and I went into my room
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and later my mom called me out into a silence that has lasted thirteen years. I remember believing I was the only one who knew someone dead that day, that death is an easy thing to take in my hands, to carry limp, to peel the sinew from the fat. It was the first time I knew to be afraid of easy things.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
IN THE PRAIRIE GRASS 7.1.06 After you died, I'd sneak out in the starlight, walk to the field where you始d last breathed. I'd mark out the vastness of the sky with my hands as the stalks pressed the back of my neck, my heels. Old stars came through the dark and the stiff prairie grass jabbed my arms. I thought to see in a leaf of grass the journey work of the stars, but without the words, much the same as I thought of this poem before now. I followed those stars blushing on the Gallatin, rolling all the way into the ocean. The sky started into me there deafening me, opening me.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
1/25/90 A lot has happened. I got kicked out of the house. I applied for 7 different jobs. I'm seeing Jen.** I appauligized to mom & got accepted back into the house– I think. I might go to Florida to visit & work for/with dad for 2 or 3 months.* *I need to sit down & think about things. If I were to go to Florida I would miss skiing & all of my friends, but then agian I would be able to sail, live in a city, & see my cousins. **I like Jen a lot but some how I can't explain myself, I still like Effie. I care for both of them & I don't want to hurt either of them– why do things have to be so confusing? Why can't be we all be just good friends?? Because I'll go insane– it'll be the be the same "O.K. we'll be good friends" B.S. that happened between Eff & I. When I asked Effie if it hurt I wanted to say good. But I couldn't. It's not really how I felt– it was the mean part of me that rarely shows. I meen she put me through hell– no, actually I put myself through hell– oh well thats over & I truely know how Effie feels right now– hurt & confussed because that's how I felt & I really do feel for her but
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
right now I must go out & live my life & Jen is in it right now. I hope to God they don't hate each other forever & I have to talk to Jen about that. (end). I think it would be a good thing to do if I were to go & see dad for 2 or 3 months– some times I wonder why I didn't last year or more this summer. He says there's lots of work & I would work for him almost full time with his days off. We would work on the boats maybe go sailing to some places– what a dream. It would be almost running away from it all. Not almost it would– well not realy– I would come back for a long while if I don't now. 2 day is Jason's B-day. I'll talk to mom on Monday.
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& HERE SHE STANDS Upon a pedistal of hers that gives the life of ones own life that makes her different from anyother. she hides herself with a mask– the kind that makes her still– even more different from anyother.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
10/12/91 It's been a long time... a long, long time & either I've changed or I found out who I was and just need to figure out why I am. <â&#x20AC;&#x201C;â&#x20AC;&#x201C; I know it doesn't make much sence but I'll just go with it. On 10/7/91 (Monday) I broke up with Jennifer. For good this time. Not out of anger or spite but I feel I no longer love her. It's very strange. I haven't been alone for over 1 1/2 years, that's a long ass time if you just think about it. I need time for things for myself, I don't want to feel tied down like I did with Jen. Things I need to do I'm going to do. Other things of intrest: I have to find a roomate fast. 325.00/month just doesn't come into my pocket like that. I don't work enough to pay that.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
LIVING INSIDE 8.8.06 There's a dead plant in the kitchen that keeps growing. The roots have spread under the carpet, shot up shoots in the closet. I'm watching as the limbs sprout dry course leaves when Ashley Simpson comes on SNL. Simon died thirteen years ago today, so I've been watching the TV on mute, but the plant has found a way on stage, spreading like varicose veins past the drummer, across the mic and pouring from the glass. The rough skin grows over my shoes and inches up my pants. I want to struggle. I want to get up and toss the thing out the window. A grinding
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noise comes from the planter over the dining room table where the plant began. I catch on the sound, lift from my torso and am pulled out over the open balcony door, off the second story window, into the night.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
2/19/92 I try to live my life simply–I just am & I don't let trivial things get to me<–or try not to. When Jason asked me if I was bored or deep in thought–>"I'm just being." }Erica says the tao of Simon. Deep in thought for me is thinking about 10 to 20 things in a short (1 or 2 minutes) period of time–>nothing earth shattering just simple or trivial things that come up in my mind–or because it's my way of life I think about climbing a whole heck of a lot. I think I made the switch from being a person who climbs to a climber. It seems anyone I can really assosiate with is or once has been a climber. It really is frustrating because I can't & nobody can (to me) relate. What really doesn't help any is the 16 & 17 year old girls I've been hanging out with–>some, I can sort of relate to some of the time–others–not at all–not that I don't try–I do–I just can't. I think that's why I've been acting weird towards everyone. That and $. I got lots of things that need to get done so I'll see what happens next.:. tomorrow–the new worry free me again. Remember simple simon.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
TILLMELT Warm up on Vert. Wall 5min Rest 2 min 2nd panel traverse–>Big Hold Traverse to right rest at Rest corner while till unpumped climbing big Hold traverse LEFT TO RIGHT TILL MELT! REsT 5 MiN 10 pULLS SLOPER HOLD 2 MIN Rest 10 PULLS ANY HOLD 2 MIN Rest 5 PULLS SMALL HOLD REST UP TO 20 MIN DOiNG STRETCHES !!!
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
2/19/92 After talking to bra Jason I think I've finally got the corrage to find out where I stand with Steve and after I do that I'm going to persue my job opportunities of which are: #1 finding full time job here in Bozoville #2 (and most wanted) look into Alaska job #3 dad & see if & how much work he has for me & how much time he could commit to. It's really nice & refreshing to know he cares (at least he shows it & I feel it). I don't know if mom does (if she does I don't see it) even though she says she does I don't feel it–most likely it's just me. He says (bra jason) he's not happy working for mom, people just think of him as Mr. Responsibility but he said he would rather be in my shoes. I guess it's all in the way you look @ things–> my problem is actually very much & easily solvable compaired to say someone just out of school (with 3–that's three) maxed out charge cards & loan payments from school–> a grand total that would not make it possible for that person to do the things I'm doing & going to do the rest of my life.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
DREAM: All my friends I've remade & my new friends I've made were sittiing around in a big circle tripping and all were meditating or focusing on one thingâ&#x20AC;&#x201C; then I got up and said "I know something you don't, it's what you will be searching for all your lives, and I know it NOW. I kan't explain & I can't find it in my head right now but I know it's there." Then I sat down and started focusing again. *I cant remember if it was @ night or day but I know I had it..... it's a weird one & I can't figure it out.... if it's true it's something I need to find. 4/16/92 I tried & found nothingâ&#x20AC;&#x201C; I wished to play and nobody was there to play with.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
NO ONE TO PLAY WITH I remember the sky came flush to our eyes the day you, your girlfriends, her sister went hunting mushrooms up the Paradise Valley. I remember staying in 4-B's all night alone with the grease spots on the table, the grey coffee. I remember trying, finding nothing, wishing to stomp through puddles, to make lakes of my shoulders in the rain when nobody was there to play with. I turned out off our street lost in thought, thinking nothing when I saw the truck, not even too late. Brother today I take your life as my own.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
i am thee 7/5/92 & shall not i be thee if thee is willing to be thou but how could thou be thee when thee is Me
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
TRYING NOT TO SAY GOODBYE 9.30.06 You are the little brother now, that or nothing. Simon, maybe I should put the bag in the dumpster. Maybe I should make a mantra of â&#x20AC;&#x153;a person can get used to anything.â&#x20AC;? Maybe I should stop taking the dogs to the park, maybe I can let you be. Be the dust in the canyon, a bit of air you've long ago breathed, be a cold silence that wakes me in the night, that keeps me.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
I始LL CALL IT OFF Today I died on bike standing with my hands off the handle bars, fingers spread over the wind, arms out. A truck blew through a stop, hit me. There was sunlight and plastic sacks whirling up into the air with me, a tremendous feeling of possibility.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG FALL
9/9/92 1:00PM Hi my name is Simon and I could be. Who (and/or how) the fuck are you? This here book is my new book and this is my first entree (like it?) I'm sitting here on the toilet taking a big gross coffee dump – I drink alot of coffee – contemplating whether, or not it's a good moment to start a journel on the toilet. What the hell! I've already started. But now I'm done so I'll write later on today. 5:30pm Just got off work – yes work – I've got this great job working at the Leaf & Bean. It's a coffee house (no wonder I drink alot of coffee). I've worked there for almost 2 weeks now and love it – of course i was basicly jobless for 5 (yes 5) months so any job would be almost a great job. It's strange when I broke up with my girlfriend last October I've changed alot. Physicaly I shaved my head – I like it, it seems to suit me – along with a pierced nose. I like it too. Mentaly I've changed too – I still think alot about all sorts of things but I can talk (most) of my problems out with people I trust – I'm still "to nice" to everyone wich actually helps at work. As of this time I'm living in apartment #33 (16 West Main) in Bozoville Montana. It's my brothers old apt. He lived in it
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about 3 or 4 years ago – Jason (my brother) is now married to Lessli so I have a sister-in-law now. They love each other and I'm glad there together now. Lost my train of thought there and started rambeling. My friend Mark put it this way – Simon's starting to get ahold of life now – which is right. I was starting to get sick of being a bum, but it was some the funest times I've ever had. I'll hopfully never forget these days – notice these is used hopefully they will never end. End for now–––
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TRYING NOT TO WRITE THE POEM In the ripe grass we're the same; drifting, the world moving around us like ash caught in the air. We eat oranges until we're fat on the juice, our skin soft and grey, flimsy. The ground falls away from us until we're thousands of feet up, our only companion the wind. At sun set the earth draws up to us and we sap into the earth with a light rain. We are torrents carrying twigs in our maw. We wash out on a bank, fall asleep there playing the game of trying to tell which part of us belongs to who. We settle against the raw oozing mud and soon the sun wakes us again, me by your sunburnt feet. We give each other another morning, we linger, we forget we are we, we cut against
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we flail about, we forget there is no falling when you are the air, we forget there is no such thing as dying.
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A PART OF HERE This is where you diedâ&#x20AC;&#x201C; the road to the house I still think of as our home. That road was always dry, even in the summer rain storms and four AM dew. Even in the junipers. This is the road I'd take to get coffee in the shop where you'd become a part of like the silver fish that ran around on the walls in the early autumn night, the fire blossoming out along the hills a few days a year. I'd drive into the sunset five days a week, and when I left town to leave the town behind for good I left by this road. When
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I came home, I came home on it. This road is me. I know that this bridge, sided by lilacs, always lilacs, because your funeral was filthy with lilacs, is where as I drove homeward I told myself to not pay attention to the pitch that gathered on me as I sat, where I repeated in my mind what isn't thought of isn't. It ends at the bed where I reminded myself after a few hours that tomorrow I should wear myself out so I'd be able to sleep and stop thinking of death.
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YOU CAN LIVE 7.1.06 Waiting for the sunrise I've decided today I'll be the brother who has died and you can be the one who fills his pockets with rocks. You can throw them at the parked cars as you pass the open mouthed mansions in Ladd's addition, as their windows dart and twitch with that last burst of dreaming that comes just before waking. Today you will glare at the joggers insulting their dogs with their slow witted voices repeating words. You can stop on twelfth street to watch the ten year old who has gotten up
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before his parents to come outside and smash ants against the sidewalk with his thumb. Today you can run through traffic across MLK Drive and up over the Willamette onto the walkway that clings to the Hawthorne Bridge as you try to break the simple ease of coming and going.
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