Mad River Union March 31, 2021 Edition by Mad River Union

 IT’S

THE UNION’S STARK RAVING APRIL FOOL EDITION NEW DEVELOPMENT Modern times come to Tyee City. Page A3

Mad River

Photo

Union

Matt Filar | Union

MadRiverUnion.com

BUGTOWN Mara’s silver sweethearts. Page A7

V o l . 8, N o . 28  18 P a g e s , T w o S e c t i o n s  W e d n e s d ay , M a r c h 31, 2021

LOAF SQUABBLE HALTS MEETING

Golden

Advocates clash as accusations fly

 ‘C‘ CELL EMPOWERING

rebuker

Mad River Union

Both sides grow further entrenched in positions Compromise seems unlikely PLOP vs. OLE pits grassroots crusaders Impenetrable cyber-era terminology causes anger, walkout Warring factions struggle for supremacy as bitter ‘loaftroversy’ divides community

Dek heds formatted in vanishingly small text, as though that serves some kind of useful purpose in relating the story, except it really doesn’t

Smilb Blorfnuggle Mad River Union

LOAF  A4

Peace Pole powers back online Blumvers Cherznucky

Harsh jargon deployed

MANILA, APRIL 1 – A Manila citizens’ group’s public outreach went awry last week, then dissolved into a jargon-rich cacophony of what sounded a lot like insults, though no one is really sure. T h e Pimento Loaf OutPimento loaf reach Party (PLOP) recently organized to help popularize deli-style luncheon meats throughout the Samoa Peninsula. But overwhelming popular enthusiasm

 E s t . 2013

TRUMPBOT The gold-gilded Animosity rover landed, deployed its high-tech tiny-hand groper and immediately got down to grabby business. KLH | Union

Trump-era ‘Animosity’ rover touches down, rampages across Arcata Jarb Jandersnurb Mad River Union

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Landing amid a blast of hot air and the glint of gold, a little-known NASA probe commissioned during the Trump Administration rover

M ellow

didn’t just touch down on the Plaza last week. No, the “Animosity” lander, bedecked with Trump branding and garish golden gilding, grabbed, groped, grumbled and galumphed its way across downtown, making

fellows

much of Arcata grate again. Crafted as a gaudy robotic extension of the deposed dotard himself, the rover’s $480 million cost gained funding following a promise that “Arcata will pay for ANIMOSITY  A4

Trinidad’s font fiasco Mad River Union

TRINIDAD, APRIL 1 – The Trinidad City Council tonight embarks on what promises to be a lengthy and contentious set of hearings as to what fonts may be used on commercial incense and backhoe buckets manufactured within city limits. To reduce tensions, advocates for the PapyTHE BRETTSTERS OF MISTER’S Top-tier gents schmooze manfully amid masculine rus and Apple Chancery grandeur at the new men’s club. Nank Flamdibir | Union fonts will be heard at separate hearings, since most have restraining orders against each other. Dulliver Tipsnoid impress each other with sporting games The two fonts and Mad River Union of chance, tales of derring-do, imaginary their backers are comARCATA, APRIL 1 – An unmistakable valor, multiple appalling -isms and othpeting for the seaside vilstain of manliness now inhabits a remote er testosterone-infused, shouting-based lage’s lucrative whimsy corner of City Hall, its mahogany-like camaraderie. contract, valued in the paneling and overstuffed seating a husky, The idea was born in the former Pubhigh five figures. musky contrast to the rest of the building. lic Safety Task Force, attempting to find Once the matter is Welcome to Mister’s, a small sanctuary harmless diversions for the less cost-efdecided and all legal for men in the mostly female-led govern- fective gender. “They need a safe place challenges cleared, the ment of Arcata. The club, membership in to blow off steam, and not hit rocks at Trinidad Planning Comwhich is available via Parks and Rec, is trucks with a stick,” said Task Force mission will undertake hearings on the permismodeled after the early Plaza’s old-time Chair Norva Noatall, citing one popular siblegreat depthservice! of the drop “card clubs” for the town’s menfolk. pastime of Arcata males. Same friendly faces, same shadow on|the lettering. These male enclaves let men be men to | Home | Auto | Life MISTER’S Commercial  A6 Health

Watson sets up posh gentlemen’s club at City Hall

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ARCATA, APRIL 1 – When a glitch temporarily turned off the tranquility-inducing force field emanating from City Hall’s Peace Pole, all heck immediately broke loose in Arcata. The first sign of a disturbance in the force was someone leaving the door open after using the newly christened “Par-Tay Loo” public restroom (see page A5). That precursor to anarchy was followed by a woman seen openly playing with her unleashed ferret on the Plaza. Then, continuing the societal deterioration, a businessman’s abdomen brazenly attacked a passerby’s knife just across the street. Responding with dispatch, APD officers reluctantly set aside their knitting and rushed out to the Peace Pole to ascertain the reason for its flagging powers of peaceable projection. An inititial scan with healing crystals turned up disturbing signs of a suppressed aura, while a test-swabbed patch barely registered any Chi. As puzzled Public Works techs pored over the schematic diagrams in Book 19 of the PEACE POLE  A7

New cootie catcher to wrangle COVID Vaccine for yelling perfected Darch Nezzleglomp Mad River Union

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Science is marching on, with fresh innovations not just conquering disease, but showing the coronavirus what a pathetic, slimy little excuse for a germ it really is. And in a heartening development for those Arcatans whose sleep is interrupted nightly by bellowing streetcorner drunks and lunatics, a vaccine for yelling is showing high efficacy in early trials. COVID meets its snatching match A team of Humboldt State University scientists has developed a new instrument for dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic in the form of a hitech “cootie catcher.”

CORNUCOPIA OF COVID Mrs. Lloyd Glurbner of Glendale with her cootie catcher, chock full o’ captured coronavirus spores. KLH | Union In pioneering research, the grade school gadget – with modern modifications, COOTIES  A2

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A pril F ool 2021

Plaza goes Lois, but no ‘Nettletown’ in works Glonders Blipe

commissioned to identify someone or something ARCATA, APRIL 1 – who hadn’t been conThe City Council last week demned as unworthy over renamed downtown’s pre- the past 20 years. mier park as Lois NettleThat search turned up just one name: ton Plaza. The late Hollyveteran actress wood actress came Lois Nettleton. to be honored not An Emmy-winby some arbitrary ning star of film, whim, but by scistage, radio, and ence. Technology, television, Nettleactually. ton’s name won’t In rebuilding be used to rechrisand rebranding ten Arcata as “NetLois the COVID-entletown,” say City Nettleton ervated Plaza, a Hall sources. new name was thought A petition by the new Misto be helpful in adding a ter’s men’s club had advocat“sense of discovery” to the ed for the town square to be post-pandemic Plaza, ac- renamed after actor Larry cording to a staff report. Storch, but was dismissed on But recent controver- grounds that he was “irrelesies over Plaza use have vant to Plaza history.” left few stakeholders unThe Plaza’s former stattarred. City officials have ue of William McKinley been dismissed as fascist was removed in 2019 foloverlords, statue oppo- lowing demands by a local nents as libtards and anar- newspaper, on grounds chists, news media as tools that it would finally end the of the oligarchy, numerous wearisome annual suggeshistorical figures as de- tions to depict the statue as praved wretches and so on. either Pete or Jerry Garcia A database search was in its April Fool edition. Mad River Union

ORB-BOUND Most participants in the City Council meeting showed progress toward evolving into perfect luminous beings, with councilmembers appearing in their intermediate forms. Several public commenters at the council meeting also looked orb-bound. Via Zoom

City Council requiring all residents to evolve into luminous, floating orbs of love energy by 2029 Roimnord Gwomplin

item for purchasing handcuffs,” he said, noting the difficulty of attachARCATA, APRIL 1 – Weary of ing steel bracelets to glowing tenpassing ordinances and fine-tuning drils of ectoplasm. the Arcata Municipal Code to manMost of the City Council has alage the ever-changing ready undertaken vagaries of human betheir transformation to havior, the City Council something less prone last week decreed that to violations of the Arall Arcata residents simcata Municipal Code ply assume the form of and drooling. glowing orbs of love enPereira, leading by ergy by decade’s end. example, has assumed “This will solve any the form of a radiant number of problems,” nebular plasma, an insaid Mayor Sofia Pereiterim phase she promMayor Sofia Pereira ra. “We feel the timeline ised to improve on. is ambitious, but doable.” One councilmember not on the Police Chief Brian “Captain Clip- love-orb train is Brett Watson, who per” Ahearn said that accelerating appeared content to remain a ghost human evolution to milestones not driving a skeleton wrapped in meat previously expected until the year – for now. 4,019 will not just calm the streets, Contacted at his new Mister’s men’s but improve the city budget’s bot- club, Watson said any evolutionary tom line. “We can delete the line leaps will have to wait, as he intends Mad River Union

MANILA CSD By a 51–50 vote, the Senate voted Monday to make the Manila Community Services District next in line of succession to control of the United States government after the secretary of agriculture. The decision was based on the district’s suave comportment during its all-engulfing chafing dish scandal in years past. “Cool,” said President-designate Jan Bramlett. “Where’s my presidential guitar?” LIVING THE LIFE Jerome Gerund of Westahaven made a personal sacrifice Friday night, ignoring a glorious sunset to remain online, devastating an argument opponent with a series of ruthless, pronoun-infested disparagements. Throwing caution to the wind over the issue of letting dogs sleep at the foot of your bed, Gerund mercilessly deployed a “laughy” emoticon to his foe’s earnest Jerome Gerund recitation of facts, indicating contemptuous amusement with other points of view. But when his adversary observed

that “you can’t fix stupid,” Gerund went nuclear, smashed the capslock key, issued a series of shouty blasts, then went off to kick his dog and settle in for a few captivating hours of building demolition YouTubes, fantasizing that his dog-bed nemesis was trapped inside the pancaking structures. ‘BEFORE TIMES’ STORYTIME Old-timers who remember everyday life before 2020 will relate legends and lore of preCOVID days in a “‘Before Times’ Storytime” at the Arcata Branch Library this Thursday, April 1. Speakers will tell of a time when bare-faced people gripped and rubbed each other’s extremities on first meeting during in mass gatherings, with dozens of hands using the same forks, spoons, ladles and tongs, then eating the finger foods from those same hands, casting forth an all-enveloping fog of tangy bio-particles. A time when work life required occupying germ-transfer facilities known as “offices,” full of greasy doorknobs and other biologically active surfaces, and when those who used Purell wipes on a routine basis in the workplace and when eating out were viewed as kinky germophobes. And we liked it.

Cooties

MEN OF SCIENCE The highly diverse research team perfects their COVID Cootie Catcher, above. Below right, the long-sought new vaccine for yelling was first imagined, then researched, taken through clinical trials and perfected by lady scientist Jane Jimbleby, Ph.D. She was dismissed from her position as the vaccine went to market with instructions to “get started on your motherhood duties.” Professor Emeritus Rufus Rumbleton was called out of retirement to be awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for the lucrative invention. In accepting the honor, he told the Nobel Committee that the new vaccine was “one of mankind’s finest achievements.” Rumbleton later generously thanked “lab girl” Jimbleby for making “the prettiest contributions” to the project. Submitted photos

to get his money’s worth out of a set of custom-tailored smoking jackets he just ordered. “Ring-a-ding-ding!” Watson observed between puffs on a faux-ivory Meerschaum pipe. Professional meeting-goer Kent Sawatsky, representing the 62,000-member Humboldt Coalition League of Alliances, told the council during Oral Communication that he appreciated the councilmembers and city staff for their “pro-active effforts and positive intentions.” But he warned that the council’s overlapping Chi matrices constitute a Brown Act violation and that they will likely be sued, lose all of their personal assets and live out their lives in the gutter, rooting for grubs and discarded wads of chewing gum for sustenance, eventually perishing, penniless and unloved. “Thank you,” he concluded. Humboldt Baykeeper noted “concerns” with the civic orb-quest, and said it is “monitoring the situation.”

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has been found to have high efficacy in snatching up any pesky coronavirus spores that may be floating around nearby. “This is a real game changer,” said Professor Blorbus Galfanch, part of the research team that came up with the new “COVID catcher.” “Like so much groundbreaking science, it was a total accident,” Galfanch said. “The staff was busy with their usual pursuits – making origamis, paper airplanes and so on, when someone folded up a cootie catcher.” To their surprise and delight, the scientists quickly found that the little foldy deal was extremely effective at snatching up loose coronavirus nodules around the lab. A commercial version was quickly developed and distributed to local stores. “I love mine,” said Mrs. Lloyd Glurbner of Glendale. “I rounded up enough COVID spores to make a nice lime Jell-O mold. The li’l red spores look so festive and Christmassy floating in there!” Innocu-louding Another medical leap forward came from a neighboring lab, where a new vaccine has been developed

that promises to reduce the amount of deranged yelling that Arcata residents endure every night. The discovery earned Professor Rufus Rumbleton a gala reception at Arcata’s new Mister’s men’s club. In field trials, doses of the vaccine were slipped into 40-ounce malt liquor bottles and red vines sold locally. These were quickly guzzled and gobbled by they who drink breakfast at 4:30 p.m. to get revved up for a night of carousing and casual vandalism on the town. Results were swift and dramatic. The treated cohort showed an average 82 decibel reduction in yelling, howling, bellowing and generalized raving. However, the vaccine wasn’t without side effects. Several subjects’ mighty drunken roar went up three octaves, transforming it into a high-pitched screech. With several nighttime howlers so affected, their wee-hour chorus sounded like Alvin, Theodore and Simon channeling Yoko Ono. “I like it,” said Narb Dwankblop of Westwood Village. “It makes wacky Arcata seem even more like cartoonland!”

Death metal brings new life to gov’t business Chudsnich Haminabler Mad River Union

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – What might have been just another Zoom meeting glitch has become a serendipitous hit with viewers of Arcata’s public meetings. During a staff report at last week’s City Council meeting, Finance Director Ondrea Starzhevskiy had just begun a presentation on the budget when a downstairs neighbor cranked up the death metal. What followed was a detailed analysis of city finances interspersed with upwellings of Carcass’s landmark anthem, “Corporeal Jigsore Quandary.” Though seemingly as odd a pairing as apples and anvils, the thrashing death metal guitars and cookie-monster vocals somehow infused hair-whipping urgency into Starzhevskiy’s recitations of figures. As she outlined the variances between projected and actual tax revenue for fourth quarter 2020, Cannibal Corpse’s “Carrion

Sculpted Entity” could be heard through the shuddering walls, transforming the normally drab financial analysis into a compelling fusion of spoken word poetry and raging riffs – imparting fresh meaning to the “mathcore” sub-genre. Citizens who beheld the presentation online liked what they saw, and heard. Following public outcry for more, the city released guidelines for melding mordant metal and public business. Henceforth, meetings of the Parks and Rec Committee will include a soundtrack consisting of Morbid Angel’s iconing first four albums. The Planning Commission will deliberate with looped tunes by Finnish melodic-metal heroes Children of Bodom. The sleepy Transactions & Use Tax Oversight Committee will gain new motivation via accompaniment by celebrated San Diego deathgrind masters Cattle Decapitation.

The Mad River Union, (ISSN 1091-1510), is published weekly (Wednesdays) by Kevin L. Hoover and Jack Durham, 791 Eighth St. (Jacoby’s Storehouse), Suite 8, Arcata, CA 95521. Periodicals Postage Paid at Arcata, CA. Subscriptions: $40/year POSTMASTER: Send address changes to the Mad River Union, 791 Eighth St., Suite 8, Arcata, CA 95521  Deadlines & Departments Letters to the Editor & Opinion columns: Noon Friday Press Releases: 5 p.m. Friday Ads: Contact Ad Dept. Legal Notices: 5 p.m. Friday Press releases: (707) 826-7000 news@madriverunion.com Letters to the Editor/Opinion: (707) 826-7000 opinion@madriverunion.com Advertising: (707) 826-7535 ads@madriverunion.com Entertainment: (707) 826-7000 scene@madriverunion.com Legal notices: (707) 826-7000 legals@madriverunion.com  Jack D. Durham, Editor & Publisher editor@madriverunion.com Kevin L. Hoover, Editor-at-Large, Publisher opinion@madriverunion.com Jada C. Brotman, Advertising Manager ads@madriverunion.com  Daniel Mintz, Janine Volkmar Reporters Matthew Filar, Moonlight Macumber, Terry Finigan Photographers Patti Fleschner, Mara Segal, Carolyn Jones, Bob Doran Columnists Terry Torgerson, Terry Finigan Cartoonists Karrie Wallace, Distribution Manager karrie@madriverunion.com Marty Burdette, Proofreader © 2021 The Mad River Union

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New Fotomat vaults Tyee City into tech era Or maybe not Charf Malvenard Mad River Union

TASTY FACE Buy a sandwich, get a mask with all the fixin’s. Submitted photo

Eateries including face masks in take-out fare Plarvidy Glibschemb

ple-cheese burger stand morsel or an artisanal HUMBOLDT, APRIL 1 Southeast Asian delicacy, – Hoping to further ease will include an impossiface mask compliance, ble-to-ignore layer of facial public health officials protection for post-gorging use. and local sand“Polish it wich restaurants off, then put it have formed a on,” quipped game-changing DHHS spokesalliance. person Spudge Henceforth, faBalvorzick. “We cial coverings will foresee a time be slipped into all when medical home-delivered Spudge equipment in noms ordered via Balvorzick take-out is as DoorDash. If two all-beef patties, common as packets of special sauce, lettuce, ketchup and mustard,” cheese, pickles onions and Balvorzick said. “With masks now a roua single-use COVID-compliant face mask on a sesa- tine sandwich filler, why me seed bun doesn’t sound stop there?” Balvorzick appealing, the Humboldt conjectured. “Why not County Public Health De- hand sanitizer smoothpartment wants you to get ies, or Pfizer-pistachio ice cream? Seriously, the road with the times. The next sandwich you to health passes straight order – whether a tri- through Flavortown!” Mad River Union

NEW FOR 2021 Rotary Club of Crannell President Irv Wombatt has decided to adjust his public image. Henceforth, his facial expression in group photos by go from “confident grin” to “life-affirming smile.” Wombatt is presently calculating the optimal amount of tooth enamel to expose in the revised expression.

TYEE CITY, APRIL 1 – A bold initiative by Tyee City movers and shakers promises to send the micro-hamlet at the Mad River’s mouth rocketing into the 1970s. The Tyee City Economic Development and Compost Committee (aka Al and Martha) last week announced acquisition of a “lot-proven” Fotomat booth for installation along Mad River Road. The entire micro-shack, complete with film envelopes and planters with sullen vegetation, was purchased off eBay. It comes equipped with an array of hi-tech communications equipment, including a Tandy 1000 computer with a lightning-fast 1200-baud modem, plus a thermal paper fax machine. The kiosk promises quick, 14-day turnaround for developing rolls of film dropped off there. A press release extolled the new Fotomat as “A boon to tourists, whale watchers and photographers visiting Mad River County Park.” The installation was backed by a consortium of investors made up of the forward-thinking futurist owners of People’s Records and the Mad River Union. Revenues from the new stand will quintuple the city’s economy, and add a cheery bit of Americana to the remote outpost. At least that’s the plan. A town divided But best-laid plans all too often go off the rails, and the pert little kiosk came under immediate fire from a rebel faction (Lou and Becky) in the micro-metropolis’s upper leadership elites. Calling the Fotomat a “mammoth mistake way out of scale for the site,

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LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION The new Fotomat film development kiosk along Mad River Road offers tourists quick, two-week turnaround for the pics they take on the mighty Mad River and world-famous Pacific Ocean. The ocean, home to many heavily used shipping lanes key to global trade, has been written up in such prestigious periodicals as National Geographic and Sunset Magazine. Submitted photo which will cast a dark shadow across the town” the booth advocates recently organized a protest at the tiny hut. With the Tyee City SWAT Team looking on, the protesters encircled the beleagured booth and brandished signs reading “Flatten the ’Mat,” “A Revolting Development” and “U.S. Out Of Grenada!” “I’ve had that one since the ’80s,” Becky said. “It still has some life in it.” The Fotomat may collapse of its own doing, however. On learning of Tyee City's burgeoning new business district, the cities of Finntown and Crannell submitted competeing bids to wrest the Fotomat franchise away from it. Meanwhile, Tyee City is hedging its bets, looking for

a “way forward.” Toward that end, an architect has been commissioned to design a lemonade stand to maintain and diversify the town’s new revenue stream. Citing “concerns,” Humboldt Baykeeper is monitoring the Fotomat

situation. “Normally we wouldn't involve ourselves with something on the other side of the Arcata Bottom from the bay,” said spokesman Ken Jalt. “But with a project of this scale, we feel we have to.”

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A pril F ool 2021

Police union demands officers get superpowers Gark Feduniah Mad River Union

Tension, paralysis reigns at intersection WHY WHY WHY Norba Neftroon waits at the tension-wracked Sunny Brae intersection – but for what? – as other frustrated drivers ponder the insoluble cipher of her driving logic. KLH | Union Varndt Narbsquindle Mad River Union

SUNNY BRAE, APRIL 1 – The seemingly simple concept of first-in, first-out for cars at four-way intersections has again proved elusive for Norba Neftroon, who remains mired in some sort of cognitive fugue state at a stop sign at Crescent Way and Bayside Road in Sunny Brae. With the breakdown of the usual unspoken protocol in which the first to stop at the crossing is the first to go, frustrated drivers and pedestrians in the area are puzzling over just what criteria Neftroon requires to be satisfied in order to proceed through the four-way stop. Arriving at downtown Sunny Brae’s busiest crossing close to an hour ago, Neftroon’s mini-SUV came to a full stop. But rather than proceed through the intersection, it remained halted there as another car closed in from southbound Bayside Road to her right. That driver, Ned Blampfring, then stopped and waited for Neftroon to go, but she only sat motionless in the driver’s seat, peering at him quizzically. Assuming it was out of a surfeit of Arcata-niceness, Blampfring sought to clarify the expected sequence. “You can go,” he mouthed theatrically, motioning toward Samoa Boulevard. This yielded zero response, exacerbating his urgent appeals. “Go, lady!” yelled an exasperated Blamfring out his window. “You were here first!” This logic proved elusive to the motionless Neftroon, who remained stopped at the sign, offering no discernible response to his entreaties. After three minutes of unbearable tension, Blamfring mashed the gas pedal and roared off, waving a rigid middle finger out his window. But even this failed to compel Neftroon to proceed, as she continues to follow whatever inner logic has rendered her motionless, her white-knuckled hands clutching the steering wheel. A range of tactics by other drivers to compel Neftroon to move on – vigorous gestures, horn honking and yelling “It’s your turn to go!” have also proven totally ineffectual. Most maddening is that in response to the urgent

gestures, Neftroon only gazes expectantly at others waiting at the intersection as though it’s some kinda muhvuggin’ nine-dimensional chess game. Blark Blunderino, a pedestrian who has been stuck holding his groceries at the corner for the past 45 minutes, lamented a fateful misstep in his street-crossing efforts. “We’re at a stalemate,” said Blunderino. “At one point I started to cross the street, and then – oh, cruel fates! – that was the moment she actually started to go. But then we both stopped and backed up to let the other one go, putting us back at square one. And now we’re stuck.” Blunderino’s concerns are mounting, as his paper shopping bag is beginning to rip apart from him shifting the load several times during the streetcorner standoff – a situation worsened by condensation running off his thawing frozen strawberries, which is turning the paper bag to mush. Further, he just noticed a small spider spinning a web between the bag and his thigh. Meanwhile, Blunderino has no free hand with which to scratch his lower back, which has developed an urgent itch. On top of that, one of his AirPods just fell out, and now sits mockingly on the sidewalk, from which he is unable to retrieve it while holding the disintegrating bag together. “I’m in hell,” Blunderino complained.

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – Taking a cue from their chief, Arcata Police officers are looking to improve their effectiveness in new and super ways. As part of contract negotiations, the Arcata Police Officers Association is demanding that all APD officers receive training in the superpower of their choice, with selections ranging from the power of flight, invisibility, heat vision, freezing breath and to always be able to plug a USB cable in properly on the first try. In addition, the officers are two receive two “superhero-style” costumes accessorized with a cape, utility belt, bulletproof underpants and optional goggles. The demand appears to stem from Police Chief Brian Ahearn’s growing affinity for patrol duty on remote Clipper Lane. The chief has recently been making public appearances in a garish green-and-orange rig that identifies him as “Captain Clipper.” The request could take some time to process, since the city is already funding a request to give the stodgy Tymco 600 Regenerative Air Street Sweeper a monster truck makeover. Craft service As part of its continuing modernization moves, APD last week announced that henceforth, calls for service will get response from officers

SUPERCHIEF Police Chief Brian Ahearn gives super service to a smattering of Sunny Braers. KLH/Torg | Union accompanied by crafters and hobby- knitting and macrame, with hard cases ists. This in the theory that wrongdo- transferred to a quilting labor colony. ers are just looking for something to Bank robbers, with their affinity do, but lack hobbycraft supplies. for things paper, will be given immerVandals caught spray painting sive lessons in scrapbooking. fences and freeway overpasses will be Any cannibals ensnared by APD’s supplied with canvasses, brushes and long arm of the law will be provided paints with which to execute their with Mr. Potato Head sets to harmvisions, and will learn how to create lessly experiment on. happy little trees and clouds. “We feel this approach will rebalShoplifters will be shipped off to ance law enforcement with a creative a sort of “boot camp” in which they’ll edge,” Ahearn said, adjusting his cape undergo forced indoctrination into and Captain Clipper shield.

Loaf | Nouveau name-calling baffles attendees  FROM PAGE 1 and explosive growth took a toll on the grassroots movement. While its membership swelled, a rebel faction immediately cropped up, its adherents advocating equal consideration for olive loaf. PLOP leadership dug in, and before long accusations flew like slices of luncheon meat would, that is, if you flung them around like frisbees. The meeting at the Manila Community Center started to spiral out of control when members of OLE (Olive Loaf Eternal) recited a list of grievances with the current PLOP leadership. “I don’t like being ghosted just for telling the truth!” OLE President Flebildra Hortevs told the PLOP leadership and assembled pimento partisans. “When you aren’t throwing shadow, you’re fully gaslighting anyone who objects.” The use of edgy Internet jargon impressed Hortevs’ cohorts, who followed her rhetorical lead. “Rather than listen, PLOP has en-

gaged in juiceboxing, sockpuppeting sinking,” said PLOP President Jick and frizzle frying,” declared OLE Jormbaloo. “Most of these accusamember Nilch Danderflan. “Your tear tions amount to little more than leigargling and eclair punching is inex- sure suiting, some of them bordering cusable!” on blatant tardigrade tamping. I had As those in the OLE conhoped that we as a society tingent nodded along with were past that sort of thing.” the increasingly fevered or“Agreed,” sniveled PLOP atory, a few poked discreetVice Chair Gilk Blunderly at their phones, googling flump. “I’d call it gank the increasingly trendy but snabbering, but frankly obtuse terms. much of this borders on “This grunion slapping scrang twaddling.” has got to stop!” bellowed At this, a murmur of obOLE advocate Frehunsa jection rippled through the Jick Albdogack. At that, more of crowd as Blunderflump’s Jormbaloo the audience dove for their voice rose in anger. “Cease phones, trying to keep up. this pointless twank plottering!” “As far as I’m concerned, everyThe bold accusation led many to thing you say is just crunchy water,” exit the stormy meeting, shaking their Albdogack concluded. heads both in confusion and rage at After more jargon-rich oratory, it both sides’ ruthless snarb dandering. was time for the PLOP leadership to A subsequent news release from respond. OLE accused the PLOP leadership “I see we have a room full of of “perhapsthe most egregious case self-appointed edgelords, and I’ve of umbrella standing in Humboldt heard quite enough of their kitchen history.”

Animosity | ‘Russia, Russia, Russia!’  FROM A1 it.” Its mission: to carpet-bomb a left-coast liberal enclave with molten MAGA magic like no one’s ever seen before. “This grass is a disgrace!” the rover bellowed through its phalanx of PA speaker horns. As it proceeded across the Plaza lawn, Animosity deposited small, steaming nodules of spent fuel – a toxic alloy of equal parts plutonium, shrimp cocktail sauce and blatant bullshit. “This shithole town looks like Russia Russia Russia!” the gleaming contraption barked. “It’s probably on the take from Chy-na!” Roving past the new knife shop and over to City Hall, the rampaging robot knocked over the Peace Pole, which was undergoing maintenance, then demanded that a wall be built between

Arcata and the rest of the country. “Where’s Socialist Sofia, and Anarchist Atkins-Salazar?” squawked the metallic marauder, focusing its verbal abuse only on the female members of the City Council. The Trumpbot’s tirade was interrupted when it sighted a group of Humboldt State students strolling down F Street. At this, its “grabber” utensil, festooned with tiny mechanical hands, began spinning in frenzied fashion, advancing on the young people. It didn’t get far, though, as the MAGA machine’s garish TRUMP flag snagged on a signholder at the entrance to the shopping center. Thinking he had captured the world’s biggest roach clip, panhandler Genghis Whiffenpoof began dismantling the rest of the rover to cash it in for scrap.

BRAND NEW BRANDING With the City of Arcata selling naming rights to local landmarks, the town now boasts such unique facilities as Amazon Ball Park, Dow Chemical D Street Neighborhood Center, Monsanto Foodworks, Goldman-Sachs Community Forest and above, the Marsh-A-Lago Interpretive Center. Terry Torgerson | Union

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NOAA serves cease & desist order on Shoshanna over weather impacts Scientists: whirling dancer altering the atmosphere Ployth Guckterfunch Mad River Union

WASHINGTON, D.C., APRIL 1 – Following a months-long investigation into widespread weather anomalies over North America, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has ordered admitted fairy princess Shoshanna to halt, at least temporarily, her incessant whirling about town. The Arcata dancer and proprietor of Redwood Raks Dance Studio was notified of the cease-anddesist order Monday. It commands her to “refrain from extended bouts of spinning, whirling or rotating at speeds likely to disrupt high-level wind patterns.” The order further discourages the Arcata Main Street enchantress from “implementing any mystical, magical, metaphysical or otherwise supernatural tactics as our investigation proceeds.” The ban resulted from the work of forensic meteorologists,

VIVACIOUS VORTICES Following Shoshanna’s latest bout of Plaza dancing, right, weather satellites recorded numerous extreme weather events across the U.S. NOAA satellite image; Matt Filar | Union who linked an unprecedented series of weather events across the continental U.S. to seasonal festivals in Arcata. A further analysis correlated Shoshanna-gyrations and the proliferating spirals. “We believe Shoshanna’s whirlwinds propagate high-level vortices that ride along the jet stream and touch down in areas suffering

from reduced enchantment,” said NOAA Senior Meterologist Leon Hunsaker. “The resulting fairy dust deposits cover entire towns with glittery sparkles.” In related news, the Federal Leotard Administration reported a surge in sales of dancewear and jeweled tiaras in regions subjected to the fairy dustings.

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Mr. & Mrs. Masky McMaskface MODERN MASK-CAPS Face mask chic being all the rage these days, some COVID fashionistas have taken it to the next level with face tattoos. The popular new “masktoos” capture all the glamour of a proper facial covering with none of the hassle and fuss of straps. And the permanent inking will allow those nostalgic for the era of lockdown, incessant hand-washing and toilet paper hoarding to relive this magical time for years to come. Mr. and Mrs. Ernst Asinine-Klemperer of Korbel, above, display their newly inked faces en route to a model railroading convention. “They’re faux-tastic!” exclaimed Mrs. A-K of her and Ernst’s new farsical facial filters. Submitted photo NICE DAY, HAD A casual remark at a supermarket checkstand proved fateful for area man Skitch Fimpnibble Friday afternoon. Picking up his weekend supply of Mountain Dew and pork rinds, the Manila resident was following a helpful stockroom worker hefting the multiple pallet-loads of processed food out the door when the checker urged him to “have a nice day.” At that, Fimpnibble paused, internalized the advice and proceeded to tip the stocker kid $10. He then smiled at random strangers, saved a baby bird that had fallen from its nest, walked around his neighborhood with a trash bag picking up litter, flushed all the disgusting snack crap he’d purchased down the toilet, went to the gym for his first workout since 2019 and called his mom for the first time in three months. Later, after completing two new chapters in his long-procratsinated novel, Fimpbibble wrote out, sealed and stamped three dozen friendship cards to neglected associates, then let out a satisfying yawn and went to bed. “This was a nice day,” he reflected as he dozed off. “I wonder why – ooohhh yyeahhhh...”

IN THE PIPELINE Schematic diagrams for the new Arcata-to-Trinidad pipeline were reviewed last Thursday at the D Street Neighborhood Center. The bidirectional, coast-traversing tube is up and running, funneling fresh tofu and hummus from Arcata to the seaside village, then reversing direction on alternate days to deliver crab meat to Arcata and points south. A recent beta test of the pipeline went awry when a scheduling glitch had engineers on both ends pumping material in at the same time. This caused a massive rupture where the pipeline passes through the newly designated McKinleyville Town Center, which turned out to be a lucky break for the Arcata Fire Protection District. The resulting geyser of glop extinguished a wildfire, leaving firefighters with nothing to do but suck up the charred goo, filling a water tender. This was returned to the McKinleyville Fire Station for bottling, and will be sold for fundraising purposes. Firefighters are debating whether to market the tasty residue as Old McDonald’s Good Time Crabilicious Wonder Gunk, or Campbell’s Cream of Crab HummFu Fun Fondue. KLH | Union

THAT WAS CLOSE Arcata’s Public Safety Committee had a rough night at last week’s meeting, suffering several near-debilitating setbacks. Members grew weaker after inadvertantly consuming tea made with fluoridated water while being continuously irradiated with City Hall’s Wi-Fi. A news photographer then took several photos of the group, which robbed the committeemembers of their souls. Just in time though, an enfeebled member posted a plea on Facebook to “send positive energy,” with the resulting transmissions restoring the group to health.

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THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS Millicent Roobnoodle, homeopathic healing artist from Trinidad’s Center for Alternative Reality, has complained to the Federal Trade Commission over the ineffectiveness of the coronavirus vaccine’s 5G technology. Roobnoodle, an outspoken vaccination critic, had nonetheless gotten the Moderna vaccine, selecting that version on the theory that Bewitched wizardress Endora may have helped influence its formulation. But as detailed in her complaint, Roobnoodle’s true purpose was obtaining decent Wi-Fi, using herself as a 5G hotspot. Two weeks after her second jab, Roobnoodle still couldn’t “travel via astral projection, conduct remote viewing, stream video or get more than one bar on her phone,” the complaint reads. Not even an essential oil rubdown fixed the problem. Rather than undermining her conspiracy theory, Roobnoodle cites the lack of mind-altering 5G as proof of Bill Gates’ plan for global techno-conquest, given its performance, which is consistent with that of other Microsoft products. “His vax microchips work about as well as Windows Me,” she said.

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‘Outside the outhouse’ thinking sees Arcata’s corner restroom rebranded as ‘Par-Tay Loo’ Tignorp Bipfwipter Mad River Union

DELISH DIRT An artisanal Humboldt Mud Pie. Kirtsen Lindquist photo

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he first mud pie I ever had was Mississippi Mud Pie at a hole in the wall diner in Atlanta, Georgia, and it was so tasty! They told me the mud from Mississippi had the most mineral content and that’s what gave the mud its classic grainy texture. But once I tried Humboldt mud, I knew I had found the best mud there was. Humboldt Mud Pie is so simple, but it does require that key ingredient – access to a good grow. The best mud comes from equal parts organic matter, already spent soil from strains that you prefer, and mud from your own yard that has received rainfall in the past week. Humboldt rain is what makes such excellent mud! Skeptical? A good rain will pull wood smoke, weed aromas and redKirsten Lindquist wood scents out of the air and plop them down into your yard and create the best mud you have ever tasted. Grab a hand spade, make yourself some Humboldt Pie and become a believer! When it’s a special event, I will make fondant with cannabis butter and top it with my favorite leaf. Everyone enjoys this pie!

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POOPER PARTY A buttload of celebrants surrounded the newly prestigious ParTay Loo at Eighth and F streets. Dornch Squndleglip | Union centrally-located civic asset. Sunday, a kickoff concert at the Par-Tay Loo featured a 1980s theme, reuniting classic Arcata bands The Folkoffs, Space Monkey and Barking Dogma. As music resonated through the downtown, Loo lovers frolicked about the metal monolith to the soothing strains of Peg Martinez’s crooning on “Ants In

My Pants.” remarkably simThe Loo itself ilar, for dipping. was converted “This is Arcainto a snack shack ta at its finest,” for the occasion, said Ec Dev Chair its crowded conRegis Squidfines offering a nozzle. He went variety of locally on to announce made munchies, plans to turn the Regis the stainless steel sludge beds at Squidnozzle toilet bowl brimthe wastewater ming with fresh hummus, treatment plant into a mud or something that looked wrestling center.

Mister’s | Musky, manly man-cave in ‘City Her’ll’

 FROM PAGE A1 The man’s man for the job Appointed as City Council liaison to the effort was Councilmember Brett Watson, the sole male among Arcata electeds. As such, it was theorized that he was uniquely qualified to “relate” to the targeted demographic. An old supply room in the deep back bowels of City Hall’s basement was requisitioned, and Mister’s was furnished with funding from the city’s graffiti abatement account. The location’s close proximity to APD, ready to respond to any outbreaks of chest-thumping, was a key consideration. Making ‘Misters’ Under Watson’s direction, the room was cleared of musty old water bills and mops, and decorated in a retro-posh men’s club motif, suffused with the scent of victory, or something. The latter may be emanating from the club’s multiple wastebaskets overflowing with wadded-up Kleenex. To save money, photos of the Ingomar Club’s ultra-bourgie interior walls were blown up into wallpaper, and pasted to the clammy concrete sides of the new club space. If you squint your eyes – almost mandatory in the feeble lighting – you can almost smell the spittoons bubbling in the shadows of the dank, old school elegance. Furniture was hand-selected from sofas, chairs and tables left out on streetcorners in various Arcata neighborhoods, with preference for pieces pre-infused with spilled beer and cigarette burns. A few of the pieces being somewhat crawly, Watson said plans to have them de-loused have been deemed urgent, are “moving fast,” and this will be done at some point, possibly after post-COVID fundraisers in 2022. Amenities are many, and manly, at Mister’s. In one popular attraction, an open can of SPAM invites one to dip in a spoon, scoop and slurp. A roving sommolier dispenses splashes of vintage Bali Hai and Thunderbird. Air horns and party poppers supply both atmospherics and excitement, along with an array of tattered board games salvaged from the Senior Dining Room’s dumpster. Random sporting implements – a hockey stick, a football helmet, tangy jockstraps, bottles of steroids – are scattered about the room, further enhancing the nose-tingling athletic cachet. Tiered memberships are available, from the entry-level

“Mister’s Mister” to the affordable “He-Man” tier, going up to the prestigious “Major Dude” level, topped by the elite “Brettsters.” Each tier comes with an array of negligible privileges, mainly involving access to cufflinks and menthol shaving cream. Plans for a secret handshake were set back by the COVID-19 pandemic, but a secret elbow bump is in active development by the club’s R&D wing. Beating a new path A stringent code of conduct is enforced. All participants must pledge to open doors for all non-Mister’s members, to rarely if ever steal tip jars and to change underclothes on some sort of routine basis. Speaking of attire, Watson said he plans to pump up the pomp at Mister’s with themed costume nights. “Call it cosplay, call it dress-up, call it modern menswear,” he grunted manfully. “We call it fun, son.” Some evenings will have a hoodie theme, others tie and tails. Another idea is to wear whatever comfortable garment your family most hates. One recent night saw a crisply attired Watson chumming it up with a pack of similarly clad sophisticates, with brandy, cigars and baboon-like virtual grooming and affirmation a-flowing. Several obscenities were uttered to great amusement, along with throaty hoots, spittle-flecked screeches, cackling laughter and a smattering of slammed fists on the road-tested furniture. Dudely deterrence Police view the incessant wall-pounding as proof of concept, and hope the heavily video-monitored clubhouse will help expend the energies of A-town’s bad boys, bringing immediate savings through drastically reduced need to hose down vomit throughout the city. Science is stepping into the manpile as well. A state grant is allowing installation of one-way mirrors, behind which a Humboldt State cultural anthropology class may track the curious interactions between the manic man-mammals. Optimally, gains in reduction of yelling will benefit Arcata’s overall quality of sleep, boosting health, productivity, the economy, tax revenue and eventually helping finance thrusting new features for City Hall’s new testosterone sanctuary: Mister’s, for men.

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE Two Arcata activist groups have joined forces, their symbiosis promising to yield benefits material and spiritual in months to come. The University of Quantum Healing and Global Peace Initiative Consortium will fuse, sharing resources, including their central asset, a creaky but fragrant mimeograph machine salvaged from the ruins of SCRAP Humboldt. This weekend, the groups will migrate from their present respective headquarters – a side desk drawer and a shoebox in the closet – to more spacious and professional digs in a van down by the river.

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ARCATA, APRIL 1 – For a welded steel shell, Arcata’s Portland Loo is proving remarkably flexible. The gleaming, state-ofthe-art outhouse has, like the rest of us, survived the COVID era... if in somewhat modifed form. The latest: “Portand Loo,” once as progressively chic as a half-caff double-shot frappucino latte, is passe. “Par-Tay Loo” is where it’s at. Where it’s actually at is the corner of Eighth and F streets, an aromatic arena for all the street drama post-sanity America has to offer. The versatile Loo assumes different roles for different demographics, serving as a druggie den, romantic getaway, puke bucket, campsite, sharps container and occasionally even as a restroom, depending on the day of the week and time of day. Given its popularity, the city’s Economic Development Committee recommended capitalizing on the

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Peace Pole | Charged

ENERGIZING PEACE Public Works technician Paul Jeffri stands mesmerized and thinking good thoughts after replacing the dead batteries in Arcata City Hall’s Peace Pole. KLH | Union

Must camo constantly correlate with cuckoo? • Monday, March 8 4:49 p.m. For whatever reason, a Valley West business didn’t especially want aggressive panhandlers burning cardboard out front. • Wednesday, March 10 2:41 p.m. An argument flared over someone’s dog pooping in an alley off Martha Court. Good times. 4:31 p.m. A Valley West shoplifter somehow ripped his shirt while stealing a bottle of vodka, as one does, exposing his inky back. 10:23 p.m. A man asked an F Street restaurant employee what time she got off work, and quipped, “I’ll see you wen the lights go out.” He then had a little lie-down on the grimy parking lot near a chainlink fence until moved along. • Saturday, March 13 10:13 a.m. A shaven-skulled man in camouflage clothing head-butted an employee in the produce section at a freakwad-encumbered Uniontown supermarket. 5:31 p.m. A quartet of cocktail enthusiasts battled ineffectually at the Plaza’s center until arrested for public drunkenness. •Sunday, March 14 7:41 a.m. A Valley West gas station micro-mart hosted an escalating battle between an employee and a rando aggro. First the bandanna’d bald beardo punched the employee in the face, then the worker pepper-gassed the puncher. This exhausted options for hand-to-hand combat, so the burly beardling hurled a big ol’ rock at the employee. Police came and arrested the mart-tagonist. 4:50 p.m. A sticky-fingered woman trying to steal sexual supplies at a Northtown retail eroticism center was held at bay by employees trying to get their naughty goods back. Police admonished her never to return on pain of trespassing. • Monday, March 15 12:17 p.m. Someone dumped four gallons of used motor oil by the dumpster behind a Union-

town supermarket. 1:06 p.m. A purple van with solar panels parked at Ninth and K streets hosted a camper, whose undoing was his penchant for throwing poop and pee at someone’s house. • Tuesday, March 16 2:24 p.m. A camouflage-shirted man with multiple duffel bags at Seventh and G streets mixed the mandatory yelling with what might generously be termed singing, neither of which vocal stylings was beloved. • Thursday, March 18 9:28 a.m. A guy got a ride to a Blue Lake casino from a friendly stranger and left some of his stuff in the car. At some point the driver, whose name he didn’t know, left, taking his stuff. • Friday, March 19 12:54 a.m. A young shoplifter went for tonnage over quality or even basic palatability when he made off with an 18-pack of bland, watery beer from an Alliance Road stop ’n’ rob. 5:11 p.m. A she-weirdling created unease at an I Street store, and not just because of her yellow poncho and red face mask; the disposal of a homemade knife there being a key factor in the cop-calling. • Tuesday, March 23 8:19 a.m. After breaking out the large window in a vacant H Street storefront, an urban backpacker was arrested. 9:28 p.m. An I Street apartment dweller noticed a woman in a window across the way with her head protruding through some Venetian blinds, just staring... and staring... and staring.. at his apartment. After enduring an hour of the disembodied head and its relentless gaze, the resident asked her if she was OK. This elicited no response whatsoever, just more staring... staring... staring... 1:06 p.m. A drunken, maskless woman came into a children’s store on the Plaza. Asked to mask up, she spat on an employees laptop computer. Wrong answer. Arrested.

 FROM A1 63-volume Peace Pole Operator’s Manual, the rampaging Animosity Rover (see page A1) hove to, slapping at the powerless pole and bellowing, “You’re a disgrace!” That turned out to be a lucky break, since it exposed the pole’s base and a hitherto unknown battery compartment. Its elderly RayO-Vac “C” cells showing no charge, a tech was dispatched to the CVS store across the street. He returned with a fresh set, which were installed, and the pole pushed upright. The change was immediate. As its peace-promoting powers again propagated across City Hall’s lawn, a woman who had discarded a full bag of dog poop on the front lawn was seized by a fit of conscience and drove back from Westhaven to retrieve it. Up G Street, a bank robbery in progress ground to a halt as the bad guys became overwhelmed with compassion for the frightened staff and customers, turned their weapons over to them and laid down on the floor to await police. And all over town, Internet-obsessed cranks mining online news to find some trivial flaw in the activities of others around which to build an elaborate, heavily embroidered condemnation designed to waste hours of everyone’s time, asked themselves deep and probing questions about their life choices As another unintended consequence, Arcata-based contributions to the comment section of the Lost Coast Outpost website dwindled to almost nothing. Peace Pole advocates hope to erect a matrix of the poles across Northern California, creating an interferometric mesh of peaceful emanations. A proposal to co-locate 5G antennas on the populace-pacifying poles was under consideration, despite concerns about duplication of effort. WHAT COULD GO WRONG Arcata’s Hatchet House Throwing Club and Humboldt Roller Derby have announced a new alliance under which the derby’s skaters will be equipped with small but persuasive axes during games, while the Sixth Street throwing facility is seeing installation of a skating track from which hatchets may be pitched. The promising symbiosis has reportedly spurred talks for a collab between Arcata Scoop and Humboldt Hotsauce.

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DELINEATIONS A LAND USE ODYSSEY

GRABBER-CRAB REINCARNATION “We lost someone special today,” said. PacOut potentate Aaron Ostrom after a recent volunteer cleanup session. “R.I.P. Picker No. 47.” Seen at upper left, 47 was a three-year member of the PacOut Green Team, and expired only after plucking non-native debris out of various natural locations around Humboldt Bay. “He’s picked up several thousand pounds of garbage during that time,” Ostrom said. “Today he tried to pick up something heavier than his capacity. Several years ago he probably could have done that, but pickers age quickly and today was his last cleanup.” But fear not – the plucky picker lives on, reinacarnated as a fiesty crab, thanks to Dan McCauley of Dan’s Custom Metals. The business offers custom fabrication, welding and repair, plus handcrafted gifts, hand-hammered sinks, furniture and custom artwork. Right, McCauley and Ostrom. Via PacOut Green Team AW, CRAP Ned Blampfring of Stromberg Avenue is on his way to work again after a frustrating delay in which he managed to leave the house, get in the car, get it started and back out of the driveway without setting off the damn dog. Unfortunately, just as he backed the car into the street, he realized he’d left his face mask on the hall table. “Every damn time,” he grumbled, reversing course to the driveway. Trying to be as quiet as possible, he gingerly exited the car and padded across the lawn, gently inserting his housekey and turning it. Unfortunately, an accidental head-bump on the porch wind chimes that he hates because they’re a Christmas present from his reptilian sister-in-law stirred up his black lab, Cholmondley, who went DEF- Ned Blamfring CON 1 and commenced yapping, waking up Blamfring’s wife, Taffy, who’d worked late last night at the Tyee City Fotomat. Snatching his mask from inside and closing the front door behind him to a chorus of agitated howls from the awakened house occupants and then scuttling across the lawn, Blampfring inadvertantly dropped the face covering on the ground before getting back in his car and driving off.

Delineations: a soulsearing odyssey through land use regs

PPP AVAILABLE FOR MASKHOLES Humboldt State University’s Northern California Small Business Development Center (NorCal SBDC) has announced that the angry cranks who refuse to wear a facial covering in public places and stress everyone out while jepardizing their health may now apply for Paycheck Protection Plan (PPP) grants. “We don’t have to like these imbeciles to appreciate their entertainment value during these challenging times,” said Ervid Splanktrundle, NorCal SBDC spokesperson. He noted that the video clips of maskless goofwads making a fuss in coffee shops, department stores and post offices comprise much of the content on the many “Karen” channels on YouTube, and that the videos are heavily viewed by those still in lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “People love to hate-watch these dingbat upheavals,” Splanktrundle reasoned. “It gives the homebound a sense of engagement with the outside world.” Henceforth, raging anti-maskers may, in principle, apply for financial compensation for their “contributions to the entertainment of those quarantined.” However, he predicted low participation, since the maskholes will have to stop bellowing for a short period of time in order to complete the necessary paperwork.

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IT’LL BE FINE Eldra Shubtuzzer of Blue Lake is proceeding with dinner preparation after an ethically ambiguous act which will probably be OK. In assembling the ingredients for her family-famous lime curry gumbo, Shubtuzzer accidentally dropped a wad of freshly rinsed anchovies on the floor. She intended to rinse the fumbled fishlings a second time, but then her phone rang, her baby cried, the UPS guy knocked and the kettle boiled. In the spasm of sensory overload, Shubtuzzer decided to bail on the re-rinse. “I’ll just cook it a little hotter,” she thought. “Germs can’t live in the oven, can they? Plus there’s like, acid in the limes. That’ll probably sterilize it. I think.” Shubtuzzer’s dog, Skeezix, observing the appalling display of situational ethics, shot his amoral master a super-judgy glare and went over to lick the wet spot on the kitchen floor. WE HAVE A SITUATION Humboldt Baykeeper is said to be “concerned” about a local situation. “This merits close attention,” said Director Ken Jalt. “We’re concerned, and are monitoring the situation.” The organization warned of dire consequences, and plans to step up outreach, organizing and fundraising around the problem. ‘LAFCo LAFF RIOT’ The warm-up act for Broadwaybound Delineations musical has been set, with a live reality show taping of LAFCo Laff Riot, in which a thrown dart determines which random U.S. farm, township, prefecture or oblast will next be absorbed into Arcata because it makes the map prettier. Hilarious cultural assimilation ensues, depicted via vaudevillian cosplay over Zoom. “Just as fun as it sounds.” – North Coast Journal.

Jork Blorbflink Mad River Union

McKINLEYVILLE/NEW YORK, APRIL 1 – Work on a McKinleyville Town Center ordinance has been put on hold, but for a good reason – Supervising Planner Michael Richardson and his much-loved presentation, Wetland Delineations and Their Impact on Zoning and Setbacks, are headed to Broadway. The Delineations presentation was made several months ago during a meeting of the McKinleyville Municipal Advisory Committee (McKMAC). As participants sat rapt and in awe during Richardson’s presentation, which included colorful zoning and wetland maps, famed New York producer Herschel Jennings inadvertently tuned in to the Zoom meeting. “I couldn’t believe my dumb luck,” Jennings said. “I punched in the wrong meeting code, but then I discovered this amazing show and incredible talent.”

v THEATRE PREVIEW Richardson describes Delineations as a “wild ride and a cosmic gut punch,” similar to simultaneously sitting through a meeting of the Local Agency Formation Commission (LAFCo) while reading the Humboldt County General Plan and listening to the audio of the annual McKinleyville Community Services District Audit Report, but even better. “I promise that Delineations will blow your mind,” Richardson said. “You’ll experience layer upon layer of profound revelations to the point that you may very well question your own existence. It's a kaleidescopic journey through the looking glass and to the core of your soul. You’ll never view zoning the same way again.” Jennings said he was particularly moved by the part of Richardson’s presentation when he discussed the difference between one parameter and three parameter wetland definitions. “I had tears rolling down my cheeks. The words were so beautiful. Richardson makes Arthur Miller look like a hack.” Jennings showed the presentation to his colleagues in New York and within days the $25 million show got the green light. Richardson is taking a leave of absence from the Humboldt County Planning Department so he can help oversee the Broadway production and make edits to the presentation as needed. “I’ve already made some tweaks,” Richardson said. “I’m trying to work iambic pentameter into each wetland parameter.” Even though Delineations doesn’t premiere until this weekend, it’s already taken Broadway by storm and has attracted a cast of A-list celebrities. Brad Pitt has been tapped to play the part of Richardson, while George Clooney will play Planning Director John Ford. Producers are in negotiations with Julia Roberts to play McKMAC Chair Maya Conrad and Scarlett Johansson to play Barbara Georgianna. No rehearsals are planned. “We don’t want to blunt the raw emotions in Delineations by rehearsing ahead of time,” Jennings explained. “We want people to walk out of the theatre with a feeling that they’ve had a glimpse of the divine, as well as having a full understanding of building setbacks and allowable densities. It’s all very organic.” The play will be staged at New York’s prestigious Richard Rodgers Theatre, a move that has the producers of Hamilton scurrying to find a new venue. The Arcata Playhouse is now under consideration for Hamilton, as its producers expect reduced attendance at the show due to the feverish excitement generated by Delineations. Stagehands are working quickly to put the final touches on the set for Delineations. So far, an estimated $5.3 million has been spent to make the set look just like the conference room at McKinleyville Middle School. “It’s amazing. I don’t know how they did it,” Jennings said. Those wanting to see Richardson’s show may have to wait awhile, as presale tickets are sold out for the next six months. “Looks like the McKinleyville Town Center project will be delayed,” Richardson said. “Once I rack up a few Tonys, I’ll get on a Greyhound bus, head home and we can finish up the Town Center ordinance.” But don’t hold your breath. Richardson has already begun adapting a previous presentation, titled Zoning Text Amendments and Zone Reclassifications to Implement the General Plan, for the stage, and has sold the movie rights to Warner Brothers. Who knows, maybe Text Amendments will become the next Delineations. Stay tuned.

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Mad River HUMCO COVID COUNT

TESTS

80,685

CASES

3,473

Union MadRiverUnion.com

RECOVERED HOSPITALIZED DEATHS VAX DOSES PARTLY VAXXED FULLY

3,366

134

49,378

9.59%

13.83%

Monday, March 29: RED TIER: Substantial risk – some non-essential indoor business operations are closed

McK Town Center visions aligning Jack Durham

Mad River Union

McKINLEYVILLE – When McKinleyville residents get together to talk about their vision for the Town Center, perhaps the most remarkable thing is how much they agree with each other.

Michael Richardson Not only do most participants have similar ideas for what they want to see for the heart of the community, but their views are also similar to what people said at meetings two, 25 and 30 years ago. McKinleyville resident Bonnie MacGregor pointed this out near the end of the March 24 meeting of the McKinleyville Municipal Advisory Committee. MacGregor said that if you look at the McKinleyville Community Plan,

Bonnie Oliver approved in 2002, or you look at the notes from the McKinleyville Organizing Committee meetings of a few years ago, you’ll find a vision for the Town Center that similar to the vision

Fretwell sues CSU Kevin L. Hoover Mad River Union

ARCATA –To hear former KHSU General Manager Peter Fretwell tell it, he was a lonely soldier for reform surrounded by knaves and kneecapped at every turn. Fretwell, who occupied the center of the storm that overtook Humboldt State University’s public radio station in 2019, lists his grievances in a lawsuit filed against the California State University (CSU). In the court filing, Fretwell purports to document everything from religious discrimination to insubordination and physical threats, tallying up no fewer than nine claims for relief. The suit asks for compensatory and punitive damages, reimbursement for costs and injunctions against any further violations by the CSU. It demands a jury trial. The CSU denies all of Fretwell’s allegations, stating that he didn’t exhaust administrative remedies, filed the suit too late, has “unclean hands” and “failed to use ordinary care and diligence in the performance of his duties and failed to comply substantially with the reasonable directions of his employer.” FRETWELL  B2

people have today. “The themes are all pretty much the same,” MacGregor told the McKMAC during the Zoom meeting. The only difference now is that the ideas are getting more specific, as the McKMAC helps the Humboldt County Planning Department craft an ordinance for the McKinleyville Town Center. “But the overall desire of the community hasn’t changed much in the last 30 years,” MacGregor said. “I just feel like it’s quite remarkable that there is this kind of consistency.” Vision refined During the March 24 McKMAC meeting, 37 at-

Gordon Leppig tendees were broken up into smaller groups to discuss their ideas for the Town Center, which extends from Pierson Park to McKinleyville Avenue and from Railroad Drive to roughly near Heartwood Drive. “We’re trying to kind of refine the community vision for what it wants to see in the town center ordinance,” said Planner Michael Richardson. Attendees said they want the Town Center to be pedestrian and bicycle friendly, with attractive TOWN CENTER  B4

garden reborn

COMMUNITY GARDEN Cooperation Humboldt and Centro del Pueblo consecrated the Arcata Community Health and Wellness Garden on the corner of 11th and F streets in Arcata last weekend as a sanctuary for all. The event included music, food for people experiencing food insecurity, a land acknowledgement and the ceremonial planting of seeds important to the Mixtec people. More than 30 community members attended the ceremony on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon. cooperationhumboldt.com, CdPueblo.com Photos by Matt Filar | Union

Health officer: Drop in COVID risk imminent Daniel Mintz

Mad River Union

HUMBOLDT – Humboldt’s public health officer has told the Board of Supervisors that the county will probably be re-assigned into a lesser COVID-19 risk tier soon. In an update to supervisors at their March 23 meeting, Public Health Officer Dr. Ian Hoffman said that “with continued focus on slow reopening” the county is on track to meet the state’s orange or moderate COVID-19 risk tier standards “sometime in April.” The county is now in the red or substantial risk tier. Between March 16 and March 23, most days saw confirmations of between 11 and 15 new COVID-19 cases.

But that’s down from win5,000 doses per week. tertime peaks and Hoffman The increase is expected said ICU bed availability is no to continue through April longer an issue. “We’re really into May, when the federal in a different place in the pangovernment’s distribution demic right now,” he said. to states is set to expand. Last week saw the start of “It could be as soon as a new phase of vaccination, May that there is no more with food and agriculture line and people will not Dr. Ian P. workers becoming eligihave to wait any longer for Hoffman ble. Outreach to that sector the vaccine,” Hoffman said. is now ongoing, focusing Health officer The supply ramp-up beon larger businesses that gan last week. On March “have higher risks and have seen out- 25, the county announced that its breaks,” said Hoffman. vaccine allocation for this week is alReporting on vaccination progress, most 7,000 doses. Earlier that day, California GoverHoffman said Humboldt has gotten a “slight increase” of vaccine supply in nor Gavin Newsom announced that recent weeks and is averaging over COVID  B4

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Second Planco hearing on Bottoms MJ grow Thursday Mad River Union

ARCATA BOTTOM– The proposed 23-acre Arcata Land Co. cannabis grow operation on the Arcata Bottom will get a second hearing before the Humboldt County Planning Commission this Thursday, April 1 at 6 p.m. The project hearing was continued from March 18 due to the high volume of public comment, with some

members of the public not yet heard. The project has been met with considerable opposition by area residents and environmentalists, but is not without support (see page B7). Opponents have set up a website for petitioning, with a summary of arguments against the project at savethearcatabottoms.com. Listen or watch the Planning Com-

mission live stream in three ways: 1. https://zoom.us/j/97637777152 Password: 200525 2. Call in via telephone at 346 2487799, enter meeting id 976 3777 7152 Password: 200525 3. A live stream of the meeting can be found at humboldt.legistar.com or by watching Access Humboldt on cable.

Fretwell | At odds with station personnel and admin  FROM PAGE B1 Fretwell’s lawsuit also discloses for the first time the answer to the most puzzling riddle of the omnibus imbroglio – why Operations Director Katie Whiteside was abruptly fired – or at least his rationale for the dismissal. It also counters a perception among station staff and volunteers that Fretwell and the HSU administration were working in lockstep to dismantle KHSU’s longstanding culture. The suit depict Fretwell at odds with the administration, with key IN-HOME SERVICES

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officials failing to support the next sentence, claims him in the reform mission “the volunteer culture offor which he was hired. ten managed the station by The harrowing tale of a force of sheer numbers and man alone against a wall group intimidation.” of injustice is The clash with detailed in a 25Whiteside, he page complaint claims, had to do dated Nov. 19 and with his efforts to filed in U.S. Disreduce uncomtrict Court. pensated volunThe lawsuit’s teers in keeping narrative begins with labor law. As in 2017, when program direcFretwell was tor, Whiteside alPeter Fretwell hired. It states legedly disobeyed that Fretwell undertook his his directive that show host mission with study and re- Wendy Butler log her hours view, but soon clashed with and be paid for her work. He the station’s “inverted cul- claims Whiteside sought to ture,” where a volunteers falsify Butler’s job descrip“bullied others.” It some- tion in violation of federal what contradictorily blames law, resulting in her termi“a few volunteers” for the nation on May 15, 2018. alleged bullying, then, in In ensuing weeks, the suit claims, “attacks on Wesleyan Church Fretwell began to focus on religious background, of the Redwoods his age, and gender.” He sought Pastor Chuck Clark support from HSU’s adCoffee/fellowship ministration, which he says at 10 a.m. failed to clarify the reasons Traditional worship at 10:30 a.m. for Whiteside’s firing or to Bible Study defend him against a voice7 p.m. Wednesday mail threat from a volunteer (Sept. through May) that “we’re coming after 839-2625 your job.” 1645 Fischer Rd., McKinleyville He calls a subsequent

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COVID-19 rental relief for tenants, landlords City of Arcata

ARCATA – The City of Arcata would like to remind the community that California State Business, Consumer Services and Housing Agency (BCSH) is currently accepting applications for the CA COVID-19 Rent Relief Program, also known as the Emergency Rental Assistance Program (ERAP). According to the BCSH, it is estimated that as many as 1.5 million California renters are behind on rent and at risk of eviction as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, and the CA COVID-19 Rent Relief Program is intended to be a lifeline to renters and landlords. The program provides financial assistance to income-qualified tenants experiencing housing instability and provides rent reimbursement to the landlord for unpaid rent accrued between Wednesday, April 1, 2020 and Wednesday, March 31, 2021. Landlords are eligible to receive 80 percent of unpaid rent, as long as they agree to waive the remaining 20 percent of unpaid rent, and eligible tenants whose landlords do not participate in the program can still receive 25 percent of unpaid rent accrued between Wednesday, April 1, 2020, and Wednesday, March 31, 2021. Eligible tenants can also receive future rental assistance equal to 25 percent of their monthly rent. Qualifications to participate in CA COVID-19 Rent Relief Program include: ● Landlords who have one or more eligible tenants who have unpaid rent accrued from Wednesday, April 1, 2020 through Wednesday, March 31, 2021. ● Tenants who are at or below 80 percent of the Area Median Income (AMI), who have incurred a financial hardship due to COVID-19 and are experiencing housing instability. ● If eligible, either a landlord or a tenant can initiate the application process. ● Applicants will not be asked about their documentation status, nor will they be required to show proof of citizenship. ● The CA COVID-19 Rent Relief program is currently available to all eligible applicants, however applications submitted from households at the greatest risk of eviction will be prioritized first. ● Greatest risk of eviction is understood based on a tenant’s ability to pay the minimum 25 percent rent owed, the household’s AMI, and if the household is located in an area disproportionately impacted by COVID-19. To sign up for the CA COVID-19 Rent Relief Program, tennants or landlords can visit housing.ca.gov/ covid_rr/index.html or call (833) 430-2122. For further assistance, please call the Community Development Department at (707) 822-5955.

#5618

DOWN 1. Basketball player, slangily 2. Breathing 3. Shifts 4. 90˚ from NNW 5. Those who go first 6. Deities 7. Pretended 8. Actor Stephen __ 9. Nice-smelling shops 10. Unity 11. Summer wear 12. Czestochowa resident 13. Raise the roof 18. Appears sleepy 23. Curve 25. Afternoon socials 27. December season 29. Pass 31. “Get lost!” 32. Lacking moisture 33. Lend a hand illegally 34. Steak orderer’s word 35. Former 37. Ugandan bad guy 40. Flock tender 41. Mrs. Roosevelt 43. Coins 44. Molded beforehand 46. Gardener’s item 48. Girl’s name 50. “OK!” 52. Like mackintosh weather 53. Funeral oration 54. Ate 55. Last name for brothers Ed, Gene, Joe and Vic 56. Saga 58. Very urgent 62. Long __ 63. Madre’s brother

ACROSS 1. Saharan beast 6. Actress Greta 11. Bond’s profession 14. Unaccompanied 15. Indian, for one 16. Sorrow 17. Mutual exchange 19. In need of a doctor 20. One tempted 21. Amount to be swallowed 22. Hard coating 24. Slept 26. Bold ones 28. Celtic tongue 30. Talk about 33. Vicinities 36. Dwells 38. Winter road hazard 39. Taverns 40. Devilish place 41. Deneb or Rigel 42. Uncertain sounds 43. __ the Short; King of the Franks (751-768) 44. Adhesive 45. Ties 47. Region: abbr. 49. Amazement 51. Raised 55. Capital city 57. Poetic 59. George Foreman’s defeater 60. French calendar page 61. Creative power 64. Building extension 65. Ready and willing 66. Burn the edges of 67. Spot 68. Disturb others while sleeping 69. Trifled

meeting of the Community Advisory Board (CAB) a “public harassment session,” with a “mob of more than 100 KHSU volunteers, staff, and community members crowded into the meeting room to call for Fretwell’s dismissal.” More harassment ensued in weeks to follow, he says, with Fretwell depicted as “an old, male Christian bigot, a stereotype that held sway with both the public and many radio station staff.” In response, he says, HSU did nothing, and thenHSUPD Chief Donn Peterson even blamed Fretwell for the imbroglio, and the administration did nothing to defend him. After his April, 2019 layoff, he claims, he was “forced to flee not merely the campus, but the community, even the State of California – in an effort to restore some measure of mental and physical health.” In sum, the suit alleges harassment and discrimination for his age, religion, sex/gender and/or race/color; retaliation; whistleblower violations; and failure to prevent discrimination and harassment.

M arch 31, 2021

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M arch 31, 2021

M ad R iver U nion

HSU, Dell’Arte deliver ‘The Living Newspaper’ Humboldt State HUMBOLDT STATE – The Department of Theatre, Film and Dance at Humboldt State University in cooperation with Dell’Arte International School of Physical Theatre presents the Humboldt County premiere of The Living Newspaper, two original productions based on current events. Content will include the unexpected effects of gender-reveal parties, relationships with virtual friends and robots during the time of COVID, the erasure and silencing of marginalized voices and more. These plays will stream online. The first play will stream on Friday, April 2; the second on Friday, April 16. Both performances begin at 8 p.m. The Living Newspaper concept was originally created during the Great Depression in the 1930s in

the United States. It was part of the Federal Theatre Project which itself was part of the Works Progress Administration. This special production form HSU will feature a partnership with three directors from Dell’Arte. HSU students will create, perform and stagemanage the shows. From the HSU Department of

Theatre, Film and Dance faculty, This project and collaboration with Dell’Arte engages students in creative processes that diverge from our usual approaches and encourages students to reimagine how they can participate within and serve the ensemble. Both productions will stream after their opening performances.

The productions are not recommended for small children. Running time is about 40 minutes for each show. To watch the performances, visit humboldtstate.zoom.us/j/ 89298293149?pwd=YmZu dHFYYXNDOXV4WTdva2 E2WldRQT09 or the HSU Theatre website at theatre. humboldt.edu.

SUBSCRIBE! Send a check for $40 along with your name and mailing address to 791 Eighth St. No. 8, Arcata, CA 95521 and you’ll get the Mad River Union in your mailbox every Wednesday! You can also subscribe at madriverunion.com.

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EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITES City of Arcata is hiring!

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when you shop at McKinleyville Ace Home & Garden Center. We wanted to reach out and let you know that we are continuing to implement increased cleaning and sanitizing efforts. Not only in our restrooms, but all areas that our Helpful Crew and customers come into contact with, every hour. Our focus is to ensure we meet our customers needs while doing our part to keep you, our Helpful Crew, and our community safe. Here are some highlights: * Enhanced techniques used to clean shopping carts, checkstands, shopping areas, restrooms, and every point of contact, every hour on the hour. • Particular attention to high touch point areas, to include, door handles, light switches, desk surfaces, telephones, and bathroom fixture handles. • Our Helpful crew is taking extra steps to wash and sanitize their hands and work areas, and are asked to stay home if they do not feel well. Your health and well-being are our highest priority and we truly appreciate the trust that you place in us when you choose to shop at McKinleyville Ace.

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M arch 31, 2021

Town Center | Many ideas for optimal use of center space  FROM B1 walking paths, areas for musical performances, outdoor cafes and small businesses. “I’m a big believer in flexible space,” said resident Gordon Leppig, who suggested that the Town Center have a “maker space” where crafts people could rent a small area where they could make and sell their goods. Leppig suggested having a restaurant incuba-

tor, perhaps an area where different food trucks could locate. People could then come out together, eat in the same area, but choose different cuisines. Leppig also suggested affordable housing that people could actually buy, not just rent. Deborah Hubbard, the pastor of Grace Good Shepherd Church, located in the Town Center on Hiller Road, said she wants

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the area to have “a sense of place.” “My main concern is that the Town Center doesn’t just become apartments,” Hubbard said. Connectivity Another issue repeated throughout the meeting was the need to connect the west side of the Town Center to the east side. The west side contains the McKinleyville Shopping Center and the large, undeveloped property behind it, as well as the commercial area north of Heartwood Drive that contains Starbucks and a new social services hub called The Center in McKinleyville. The east side includes the McKinleyville Fire Station and Pierson Park, home to the McKinleyville Library, Azalea Hall, McKinleyville Sheriff’s Office, Activity Center and the Teen Center. The problem is that the two sides of the Town Center are bisected by Central Avenue, the busiest road in unincorporated Humboldt County. Scott Binder suggested a footbridge over Central Avenue, an idea that was mentioned by others during the meeting. Participants also spoke of having trails connect with each other. Leppig said that he lives near the Hammond Trail and can

attest to the need for trail connections in all directions. Bicycles and autonomous cars One of the shared visions for the Town Center is to make it bicycle friendly, and this goes beyond the trails and bike lanes. There is also a need for bicycle parking and bike racks. Leppig said many places in McKinleyville have no bicycle racks, and if they do, they are often “funky and junky.” McKMAC member Kevin Dreyer, reporting on his breakout group’s discussion, said that people want safe places to store bikes. They also want places where electric bicycles can be stored and charged. Several people also mentioned the need to plan for autonomous, self-driving vehicles. Businesses may need a place where these vehicles can pull up, drop off their passengers, then leave. As for vehicle parking, many participants said parking requirements should be reduced. Leppig said that parking lot standards are too robust. “I would really question the amount of parking that is necessary,” he said. Interesting places & plants Planning Director John Ford, during a breakout session, urged participants

to think about what makes a place interesting to hang out at. If you had visitors from out-of-town, what would make you want to take them to the Town Center to hang out and have a cup of coffee, Ford asked. MacGregor said that interesting plants and opportunities for people watching are things that make places attractive. MacGregor contrasted this with Pierson Park, which has a big, wide-open lawn, which she said isn’t a draw. Others suggested interesting trails with places to stop and sit. Twila Sanchez said that the sound of water can make an area a pleasant place to visit and suggested some sort of water feature, like a fountain. Near the end of the meeting, MacGregor compared the planning process for the Town Center to whitewater rafting. “It feels like when you’re going toward a rapid, when you’re finally getting into it, everything spreads out, then it starts coming together and you start seeing, everything is starting to adjust to make the trip,” MacGregor said. The McKMAC will continue discussing the Town Center when it meets today, March 31 at 6 p.m. on Zoom.

Compost bins available Mad River Union

ARCATA – Spring has arrived, the sun is beginning to shine and many Arcata residents are out working in their gardens, so the Environmental Services Department would like to remind the community about the benefits of composting. Composting is the most effective zero waste gardening practice, which also helps reduce food waste. Composting helps keep food, food-soiled paper, garden and grass clippings out of the landfill, and also transforms these materials into nutrient-rich food for your garden. Compost helps to enrich soil by helping it retain moisture, suppresses plant diseases and pest infestation, reduces the need for chemical fertilizers and lowers your carbon footprint by reducing methane emissions that come from landfills. Compost is easy to make and use, and all anyone needs to get started is a compost bin and a small outdoor space. Compost bins are available to purchase for the discounted price of $25 for Arcata residents. Contact the Environmental Services Department at eservices@ cityofarcata.org or by calling (707) 822-8184. Proof of residency within Arcata city limits is required, and arrangements for contactless pickup will be made upon purchase.

COVID | County cost so far is $11.7 M  FROM B1 vaccine eligibility will significantly expand in April. Beginning April 1, state residents ages 50 and older will be eligible and residents ages 16 and up will be eligible starting April 15. A county press release also noted that Newsom advised continued patience, as “even with expanded vaccine supplies, it is expected to take several months for willing Californians to be vaccinated.” As of March 24, the county had administered almost 50,000 vaccine doses with about 19,000 residents or 14 percent of the county’s population fully vaccinated. Two of the three vaccines approved for emergency use require two doses spaced several weeks apart. In the week leading to the supervisors meeting, the county’s testing positivity rate was 2.9 percent, which is higher than the state average. Case numbers dropped from there, however, and as of March 27 the positivity rate was 2.3 percent. Last week saw confirmation of 40 new cases. Risk remains, however, as coronavirus variants could trigger another surge. A California strain that has been ramping up in Humboldt has been added to

the U.S. Center for Disease Control’s list of Variants of Concern or those that have increased infection abilities and resistance to antibodies. Hoffman’s update to supervisors included an acknowledgement that “there are a lot of unknowns” and his optimism had a caveat. “We still need to be cautious,” he said. “We need to be cautious about opening sports, travel, schools, businesses and events – we’ve seen lots of changes in all of those in the past weeks because we are coming to terms with what we can tolerate as a society and what is safe for society.” As of March 27, the county’s total COVID-19 case count was 3,448. The county’s hospitalization rate has been stable with a total of 134 but last week saw three COVID-19 deaths, of two elderly persons and a middle-aged person. To date, 35 county residents have died of COVID-19. Between public health lab testing, contact tracing investigations, setting up alternate care sites and running an emergency operations center, the county’s cost of pandemic response has reached $11.7 million, according to a March 26 press release.

March 31, 2021

M ad R iver U nion

Meet Pepper & Bindi

eek 54. Nice to have some warm sunny days lately. They make dog-walking a whole lot more fun! Here are two female dogs that we have been working with: First up is Pepper. This gentle little girl is guesstimated to be a cattle dog mix. She seemed a little overwhelmed on first arrival at the shelter, as are so many of the dogs. So many changes in such a short amount of time! Once she settled in a bit we were able to see what a sweetheart she is. At eight years old Pepper is past the wild stage and is quite happy to go for a good walk, play a little fetch or lean in for some extra attention. She is not looking for a bouncy play partner but is just fine with other dogs. Her best friend at the shelter is a young male Chihuahua and they love the chance to walk together. She has been fine with the mellower big dogs as well; she will just walk away from the high energy pups. Pepper has met cats at the shelter and was happy to ignore them, leading us to believe she could probably live with cats. We think Pepper would make a good, low-drama companion. The content look she gives as she leans in for a back scratch will make her adopter smile! Pepper weighs about 40 pounds and will be spayed, micro-chipped and current on her vaccinations at adoption. To meet Pepper, please call the Humboldt County Animal Shelter at (707) 840-9132

Pepper

Bindi

B5 meet Bindi, please email redwoodpalsrescue@gmail.com or leave a voicemail at (707) 633-8842. Mad River

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Meet the creatives in ‘Studio Space’ KEET-TV

HUMBOLDT – What is one human resource Humboldt County has in abundance? Artists and artistry. A rich and varied arts scene thrives on the North Coast. It is said that there are more artists per capita in Humboldt than any other place in California. As part of a new 13-part series Studio Space, KEETTV will explore this celebrated attribute of our community by profiling the life and work of 26 local artists. Join hosts David Ferney and Kati Texas as they delve into Humboldt County’s creative terrain and get to know some of the most brilliant and original minds on the North Coast. Studio Space premiers on Friday, April 2 at 8:30 p.m. on KEET-TV. Featured artists include the prolific potters Peggy Loudon and Conrad Calimpong; animator Steven Vander Meer; native carver Alme Allen; copper sculptor Scott Hemphill; printmaker Lynn Jones; painter Leslie Price; and many others. This is your chance to see and understand how the local population of glassmakers, painters, sculptors, ceramicists, photographers, dancers and others find local inspiration and push their various mediums into new and exciting directions. We bring you into their workspace to learn and explore how it all goes down. Studio Space hosts are both well-versed in the local arts scene and have been

SPACERS Kati Texas and David Ferney. Via KEET-TV anchors in that community Coast,” Texas said. With their combined themselves. David Ferney has a back- knowledge and experience, ground in the performing the hosts will help you arts and is the co-founder understand the aesthetof the comedy troupe Los ic subtleties and gain new Payasos Mendigos at the insights from each artist’s Arcata Playhouse. He is a segment. Charity Grella, the proformer student of Dell’Arte School of Physical The- ducer and director of Stuater. “It has been a fasci- dio Space, said that the nating ride getting to know process of making these some of these incredible episodes has been a delight. “I’ve lived in Humboldt for creators,” Ferney said. Kati Texas is the former over 35 years, and the projartistic director of the Ink ect has literally taken me People Center for the Arts. down roads I’ve never been She is a muralist, sculptor, on before. Half the time I and teacher of many art got lost,” Grella said. Art is about truth and forms who regularly lectures on the value of the connectedness. We hope to arts and their impact on provide our viewers with an building healthy commu- understanding of why art nities. “Humboldt County brings a community and has so many inspiring art- people together. Watch ists. Some of them make KEET and see the creative a splash on the national community come to life in scene, but others are just this new series. You can find Studio quietly creating a better community through the Space online at studioarts every day. It’s been so space.tv Studio Space is amazing getting to show- funded in part by the Calicase the artists making a fornia Arts Council, a state real difference on the North agency.

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M arch 31, 2021

CARES Act, NAGPRA may correct a grotesque historical injustice

NDIGENOUS ANCESTRAL TERRITORIES, CALIF. — Imagine if you will, a pandemic comes along, and another culture takes advantage of the situation to claim your Indigenous-made cultural items as their own. In fact, museums across the country are about to enter the Irony Zone. For the past few centuries, while Indigenous communities suffer tragedies such as disease, land theft, boarding schools, and other acts of genocide at the hands of government, Euro-Americans have easily alleviated the starving, struggling, and sometimes extinct Indigenous peoples of their cultural heritage. Grave v robbers and looters often cite erroneous justificaNanette tions for their egregious acts including science, pseudoscience, charity or “respect for Native Americans.” However, due to the federal sanctioned institutionalized Manifest Destiny mindset, the root cause behind pillaging of Indigenous cultures is greed, money and dominance. The ill-gotten cultural items were often sold to museums which placed them with Indigenous human remains on display, and some were sold to private collectors who later turned these collections into museums. According to Tony Platt’s book Grave Matters, local resident H. H. Stuart (18851976) a board member of both the Humboldt Historical Society

and the Clarke Memorial Museum (present day Clarke Historical Museum), had legally looted Yurok gravesites at O-pyúweg (Big Lagoon) and Wiyot gravesites at Duluwat (Indian Island), totaling over six hundred graves throughout Humboldt County. In 1973, Stuart sold many of these items for $13,500 to Gene Favell, founder of the Favell Museum in Klamath Falls, Oregon which boasts “over 100,000 artifacts” from Indigenous tribes throughout the Americas. It wasn’t until the 1990 Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act (NAGPRA) that these injustices could be rectified. NAGPRA mandates that museums repatriate speKelley cific Indigenous cultural items to lineal descendants, Indian tribes, Alaska Native Corporations, and Native Hawaiian organizations. According to NAGPRA regulations, a “museum” is any institution or State or local government agency (including any institution of higher learning) that has possession of, or control over, human remains, funerary objects, sacred objects, or objects of cultural patrimony. Unfortunately, repatriation under the act only applies to institutions that receive federal funding. In 2011, Platt writes, “Given that Favell has not received federal funds, it is not legally required to publish an inventory of hold-

GUEST OPINION

ings that constitute ‘funerary objects’ as a precursor to possible repatriation.” In addition, as recent as March 26, 2021, the Favell Museum website indicates they receive “no government funds and little money from grants.” However, the NAGPRA definition of a Museum that receives federal funds includes, “the receipt of funds by a museum after November 16, 1990, from a federal agency through any grant, loan, contract (other than a procurement contract), or other arrangement by which a federal agency makes or made available to a museum aid in the form of funds…” Therefore, it would stand to reason a museum that receives federal aid through the CARES Act in the form of a grant or loan is deemed to receive federal funds. For example, NAGPRA regulations mandate each museum that receives federal funds and has possession or control over holdings or collections of NAGPRA applicable cultural items must compile an inventory, and, to the fullest extent possible, must identify the geographical and cultural affiliation of each item to facilitate repatriation. A search of USASPENDING. gov, the official open data source of federal spending exposed that in 2020 and 2021, the Favell Museum Inc. received two loans from the U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA): one on May 6, 2020 for $24,200 and another on January 23, 2021 for $24,273 to “aid

Cover art by John Gordon Swogger for NAGPRA Comics’ Journeys to Complete the Work: Stories about Repatriations and Changing the Way We Bring Native American Ancestors Home, produced by Sonya Atalay & Jen Shannon 2017. Used with permission small businesses in maintaining a work force during the COVID-19 Pandemic.” In addition, other local museums that hold Native American collections and received federal funds during the pandemic may also fall under NAGPRA regulations to facilitate repatriation and compile and publish an inventory of their holdings. This might include the Trees of Mystery (site of the “End of the Trail” Museum) with three loans totaling $533,980

O bituary

Carol Davis, June 17, 1944 – March 13, 2021

arol Davis was born in Los Angeles on June 17, 1944 and settled into the loving arms of Ray and Lorene Davis. She passed away quietly at home on March 13, 2021 in the care of her loving children. A lively child and a curious teen, Carol’s parents had religion and music in abundance, so she grew playing piano and singing for the choir and church gatherings. When Aunt Martha, a socialite from Florida with a literary bent, came to visit she brought trunks of dress-up clothes, hats, shoes, a Ouji board and vitamins. The seeds of destiny are born in the child. If there is a thru line to this special life, it is music. If there is a subtext, it is food. If there is a purpose, it is the happiness and welfare of children. In 1962, Carol graduated high school and moved to Los Angeles to attend a Southern Baptist Bible College. While there, she realized she could also put her choir-trained voice to use in gay bars and brothels. Her repertoire expanded with her horizons. Nobody quite remembers exactly when she appeared in Arcata. Sometime in the early mid sixties, she left LA to take a job as a stage manager in Ashland, Oregon. The fog was heavy in the trees and Humboldt was the most beautiful place she had ever seen. Arcata had a little college with a theater department and when she went to see about it, they were doing Theater of the Absurd. She passed up the job and stayed, studied under a fabulous theater faculty and with student actors and technicians pushing the envelope of the theatrical and the political, It was a heady time to be engaged in the arts. In 1968 she and scene designing grad student David Brune married out at Rothrock’s with an after party held at the Pin Room which was always tolerant of hippies. The couple set off to Purdue in Indiana then to New Orleans following David’s work, of course, he being the one with the graduate degree. New Orleans suited Carol; she bore two swell babies there, explored its music and food scenes, and continued to return whenever possible. Carol came back to Arcata without David but with two little ones: Catlin, a toddler, and Stuart, a babe in arms. They lived in a little apartment at Rothrock’s at first until she got work and on her feet when they moved to a little duplex on Grotzman Lane. The kids went to Centering School and then to St Mary’s for some discipline and the simplicity of the uniform. All children took to Carol. She was an early cocktail waitress at the Jambalaya and often burst into a song or two after hours to inspire the clean up.

She worked for a time a Plaza Design, pitched in at the Minor Theater Corp and took other jobs that were like mini play productions – a project to be organized, accomplished and put away. She was utterly reliable and never left a mess behind. Then she met Pat Conlin, her Irishman, and he liked her, and the kids liked him, so they became a family, sealed the match in 1977 at the Vet’s Hall, and what a party that was – the music, the food, the universal delight.

It was time for steady regular work, and Carol hired on with the Child Care Council where she applied her organizational talents to the well-being of children. Starting in the resource unit, supporting the work of providers in the field, she later moved on to the abuse prevention unit, and worked directly with families. She was a dedicated, hard-working advocate for families and their kids, finding resources and options, being present in that way she had, so you knew she had all her attention directed at your problem. This work required great tenacity and heart. Carol had plenty of both. Co-workers from this time recall her generosity and warmth, the great food and fun which made their difficult work more manageable, but also her insistent curiosity and willingness to ask the tough questions, while holding everyone to an ethical client focus. All through these decades they catered gatherings large and small for all manner of group events. The non-profit fundraising world relied on her good food prepared with little fuss, on time and at reasonable cost. She did much of the work from home, but could command any kitchen, keeping the volunteer help happily doing her bidding. She fed children at summer camps, worked memorials and reunions, workshops and anniversary parties. There was no job of work that offended her, and she never

needed to advertise. In about 1980 the Davis-Conlins bought a piece of land up above West End and started building a house. And what a house; it grew and evolved, opened up and out into garden and forest. Catlin remembers coming home late one night to find Pat with saws out, cutting in a new emergency window. Carol’s design sense was spot-on and her working man indefatigable. From this power center Carol began to research her origins and the practicality of opening a food business down town. The birth family quest was successful, and she discovered, after years of searching, the slew of family she always expected to find. Sister Sue became especially close. This work answered lots of nagging questions and brought new avenues of affection to her. And by the end she knew a great deal, both good and bad, about adoption law. The Pacific Rim Noodle House opened on I street between 10th and 11th and for a decade cooked up really good affordable take-out food, and employed and trained a steady stream of young foodies. Everyone hoped new owners would keep it going, but without Carol’s energy and connections, it was lost to food history. In retirement, she still entertained and liked nothing so much as keeping the pot stirred and the conversation flowing. A great hostess is having a great time, and nobody had more fun than Carol. It radiated from her and was irresistible. Pat died in 2016 and his absence was hard for her to carry, but she did. She bought a new hat and walked to town for some shopping and to meet and greet her many friends. When she couldn’t drive safely, she stopped, and gradually her world grew close around her. Her memories like her voice remained strong. Even as she lay dying (did you catch that, Aunt Martha?) those qualities of her character – curiosity, warmth, directness – remained. If she was vague it was only about things that didn’t matter. If frustrated, it resolved into acceptance. When visited in her dying bed by a musician friend, she sang with him – Swing Low and If I Only Had a Heart and Summertime. He went to cheer her and she made him glad. To quote the poet: “Our grand orchestra of liberation has dwindled to a funeral march, but with Sister Carol’s voice and a tambourine gone ahead of us, wherever we’re going, they’ll know some serious jubilation is coming.” Sometimes a person comes to a town with no agenda, just a good heart and a pocketful of talents, and she makes the place different by her steady presence among us. Carol was like the beating heart of Arcata for about 50 years. This was her great gift to our time in our town. And the place is better for it.

and the Clarke Historical Museum with two SBA loans totaling $59,588. Although not previously beholden to the act, the Clarke has worked with tribes regarding repatriation; according to a 2017 Times-Standard article, “it has returned items gathered by Cecile Clarke from Indian Island to the Wiyot Tribe.” Federal aid through the CARES Act may have turned the tables in favor of repatriation of cultural items from previously private collections to not only local tribes but tribes throughout the U.S. while plunging hundreds of struggling museums into the irony zone, the loss of Indigenous cultural items during a time of great instability, something tribes throughout the world know too well. In a statement by the Favell Museum Founders, Gene and Winifred Favell, “The Favell Museum is dedicated to the Indians who roamed and loved this land before the coming of the white man...” However, due to the inherent past tense of their statement, clearly, Mr. and Mrs. Favell did not receive the memo that Indigenous peoples are alive, still here, and ready to alleviate “the white man’s” struggle during the COVID-19 Pandemic by reclaiming their own Indigenous cultural wealth. Nanette Kelley (Osage Nation/ Cherokee Nation) is the 2021 California Arts Council Administrators of Color Fellow for the Greater Northern Region.

As seen on video: a Princely car prowler Humboldt County Sheriff’s Office

McKINLEYVILLE – On Thursday, March 25 at about 7 a.m., Humboldt County Sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to the area of Little Pond Street and Winchester Avenue in McKinleyville for the report of a car prowler. According to the reporting party, the prowler, later identified as 37-year-old Thomas Manuel Prince, was captured on home surveillance video checking car doors and in possession of burglary tools. A short time later, the reporting party observed Prince at a neighbor’s residence reportedly setting items down near a travel trailer. Deputies arrived in the area and located Prince walking on Winchester Avenue near Killdeer Road. During a search of Thomas Prince, deputies located stolen Manuel Prince items, burglary tools and pepper spray. Additionally, deputies determined that the items set near the travel trailer had also been stolen from a nearby residence. Prince was arrested and booked into the Humboldt County Correctional Facility on charges of possession of burglary tools and felon in possession of tear gas, in addition to warrant charges of vandalism, possession of a narcotic controlled substance, driving with a suspended license and failure to provide proof of insurance. This case is still under investigation. Anyone with information about this case or related criminal activity is encouraged to call the Humboldt County Sheriff’s Office at (707) 445-7251 or the Sheriff’s Office Crime Tip line at (707) 268-2539. Car prowling Car prowl, also known as theft from vehicles, is a crime of opportunity. An offender makes a decision to break into a vehicle based on a perception that there are items of value inside the vehicle, which makes the potential payoff worth the risk. A car prowl can be completed in a minute or less, and a significant number of these crimes occur between the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m. Car prowl is one of the easiest crimes to prevent with increased awareness and a change in habits. The following steps will reduce the chances that your vehicle will be targeted: • Keep the interior of your vehicle “showroom” clean. Never leave valuables in plain view. Offenders often break into vehicles for items such as gym bags because they assume there are electronic devices or other items inside. • Hide chargers and accessories that indicate a GPS, mobile phone or other devices that support electronics. • Remove garage door openers, key cards, and house or work keys from your car. • Park your car in a well-lit area. Trim back trees and bushes that block the view of your vehicle from your house. • Always lock your vehicle, even if you are home. To report a vehicle burglary, car prowler or related criminal activity, please contact the Humboldt County Sheriff’s Office at (707) 445-7251.

M arch 31, 2021

M ad R iver U nion

Opinion

v Sign your letter to the Mad River Union with a real name and a city of origin, plus a phone number (which won’t be published) for identity verification and send it to opinion@madriverunion.com.

Let’s really get into the weeds, and there are a lot of them Tax-funded advocates

I participated in the last Planning Commission meeting on March 18, hoping to voice my opposition to the planned mega cannabis grow by Sun Valley, just outside the city limits and right nearby multiple neighborhoods, schools, recreational settings, and churches. How is it appropriate to PLAN a mega grow into a burgeoning neighborhood? I was shocked to witness a member of the commission give essentially an infomercial about this proposed project. It is my understanding that the planning commission officials are hired to examine projects and proposals and to communicate with the local residents and cities most affected by the proposals to ensure that they are deciding on plans that represent EVERYONE’S best interest. Correct me if I am wrong but it is not their job to SELL those projects to the public. Especially when they are aware of the massive public opposition. Those stake holders wishing to sell the proposal can do so on their own. I have lost confidence in Rodney Yandell’s ability to examine projects with a neutral and objective eye and to remember he was hired to represent and consider all the citizens being impacted when he is reviewing new projects. This project would change the green belt of Arcata FOREVER. And the City Council was not even consulted, and the vast majority of the neighbors were not even notified. Shame. Joan Edwards Arcata

A good corporate neighbor

We Bottom dwellers do empathize with Ms. Puckett’s lament about the new hoop-houses and grow operation planned for the bulb farm. When we got our place 20-some years ago we loved the empty pasture next door and took pleasure in tossing apples to the big horned bull we dubbed Benito Del Torro. When our neighbor who owned this field died two years ago, we hoped to purchase it and keep it empty. Alas, the bank didn’t agree, so the field was sold to an eager young man who hopes to do things with it. Build a house probably and maybe more over time. We are old and appreciated the view. He is young and trying to build his future. Our bad luck? Not really. He is a nice fellow and, if the actuarial tables can be trusted, will be here longer than we will. It may not be a desired change for us but it will come anyway. In point of fact, 23 acres may sound like a lot but isn’t very many in the context of the available bottom lands, maybe half of one of the big fenced fields. Now to her more specific complaints. Smells. sounds and the unscrupulous agenda of the land owner. Ms. Puckett can be glad she wasn’t here when many more operating dairies and many more defecating cows shared aromas to neighbors, many who kept back yard chickens, and adding to the mix pungent smells from gyppo mills (hot grease, stinky little fires, gas spillage) and the pig farmer next door who was only using land to help support the family. At a moment of economic madness the odor of two huge pulp mills was added, creating an aromatic soup, unavoidable and, well, generally horrendous. There were a dozen teepee burners on our side of town. The sky was perpetually filled with smoke and ash and sawdust. It gathered in the gutters and collected on laundry hung out to dry. Houses got covered in asbestos shingles to protect them from sparking neighbors. I could throw a stone from my yard into the yards of three little mills and one log pond. Yet a family lived here and grew and preserved food, sent sons to war, and lived out their lives before anyone ever thought of growing marijuana north of the U.S. southern border. Did they complain of noise and odors? Perhaps. But those were their employers and their friends doing that dirty work. Before Ms. Puckett arrived – when the land where her house sits was a pasture – there were trains shifting up and back several times a day, and thru trains taking lumber and passengers south to the station in Eureka. Jake brakes could be heard in town when the trucks came down Fickle Hill or even the big hill into Blue Lake if the wind was right. There were shift whistles and machinery back-up noises. Kids exer-

v LETTERS cised their loud exhaust systems on bottom straightaway all through the ’50s and ’60s. The town was an industrial symphony 24/7. Some of us miss those sounds you missed out on. Don’t worry, they will never return. The mill sites are a park, the trains have stopped, the moving trucks are delivery vans. Fan noise could become annoying, but if you tell Mr. DeVries, he will do what he can to alleviate your concern. Ditto his growing practices. He bought land with problems caused by prior owners and has worked hard to both alleviate, build and protect his soils. Cannabis can’t be sold if contaminated. We have always found Lane DeVries to be a good neighbor and upstanding businessperson of our town. We’ve come to trust that his interests and the interests of the town are often in sync. And the fundamental fact remains, Cannabis will be grown here, and become the commercial resource that carries our region as redwood once did. No amount of whining about loss of lifestyle will change that. Lifestyles come and go. There is never a guarantee that your neighbor won’t do something annoying. Not long ago several citizens saw the neighbor house go up in a fiery explosion. So I don’t have a problem with the bulb farm’s expansion plans. I wish them well and hope, if there must be a corporate interest growing on a large scale, it is our good corporate neighbor and not someone from far away who doesn’t give a damn about what Ms. Puckett likes or dislikes. All the best, remember to mask. P. Givins Arcata Note: the following letter was submitted to David Loya, community development director for the City of Arcata. – Ed.

Let’s look at the data

I appreciated our phone conversation regarding Arcata Land Co. cannabis permit a little over a week ago and wanted to follow up with this email. As you know, the permit is outside the city’s boundary, but is within Arcata’s Community Planning Area, Sphere of Influence and the Western Greenbelt Plan. The county Planning Commission, and ultimately Board of Supervisors, will have the final say regarding the permit approval. That being said, the city of Arcata has tremendous influence with the county should you decide to oppose this project. My background is in science and I can cite many reasons why the county should have proceeded with an EIR instead of a MND but that die is cast. What is important at this juncture is the health, safety and well-being of our community, especially for the 900 plus residents living within a half mile of the project where 40 percent live at or below the poverty levelparksforcalifornia.org/communities/?overlays=parks. The overwhelming evidence to the tremendous community opposition of this project can be seen in the county’s administrative record (application No. 12255) where the archive shows ~185 letters opposing (with an additional 31 sent from people that sent more than one letter), and 114 petition signatures in opposition (collected in just 4 days during this pandemic!). There are only 27 letters favoring the permit and 20 of the 27 letters in favor of the permit were from self-admitted Sun Valley employees. The groundswell of opposition continues to grow with more letters and petitions. Due to the number of Zoom and phone in comments at the last County Planning Commission Meeting on March 18, 2021, the zoom software failed and there were over 100 callers not able to give their comments. A continuation of that meeting will take place on April 1. The tally of calls at that meeting showed 89 percent of callers were adamantly opposed to the Conditional Use Permit being granted. The only reason the county is moving forward with this permit is because the parcel is zoned MH and does not have to comply with the community planning area. It is important to point out that the parcel has not been used as a heavy industrial site for 34 years and has been growing row crops (artichokes and grains) and flowers for decades. The county general plan for this parcel is AG as are all the other parcels here surrounding the few with the antiquated MH zoning.

Because this project, which will contain 22.9 acres of cannabis grown in hoop houses, is located in the Arcata Bottom, a cool, windy, damp environment, the growing area will have to be climate controlled. An equivalent area is more than 17 football fields: imagine putting a plastic bubble over that area and controlling the climate. Calculations from the initial study projects that the energy for just the grow lights will consume 1.9 MW or 2.4 percent of the average daily energy budget for the entire county (Redwood Coast Energy Authority via email communication with me). This calculation does not include the energy usage for dehumidifiers, fans for the 193 hoop houses (n= hundreds, possibly even thousands), dispersal equipment for odors, security lights, etc. In terms of carbon footprint, this project’s numbers are equally huge. The initial study states the use of three natural gas boilers that will generate 3million BTUs per hour. The loss of carbon sequestration from these 22.9 acres will also add to the negative carbon footprint. This project, according to the study will generate five tons of plastic a year that will be landfilled. Water usage is another reason to oppose this project. The stated use is 17 million gallons per year. According to several experts, this calculation is an underestimation and cannot be substantiated because the number of plants to be grown was not presented in the study. What are the impacts on the surrounding wells that depend on this aquifer for domestic uses, food production (we supply water for the seven-acre CSA farm next to this permit), dairy farms, and beef ranchers in the Bottom? If the pumping of the aquifer is excessive, then there is a real threat of a saltwater intrusion. Such an intrusion occurred during the cleanup of the old Simpson Mill site when two million gallons of water were pumped. Another issue related to water is the waste water treatment plant that will empty into Liscom Slough. Again, what are the impacts? While I appreciate the county’s efforts to repurpose old mill sites, this site is too close to residential neighborhoods and located in the wrong environment. One last thought. There are cumulative effects that have not been considered or addressed. For example, the adjoining parcel to this one has filed a permit to grow ~4 acres (in addition to the 23 on this current parcel). Is this to be the future of the Arcata Bottom and Arcata’s Western Greenbelt? Acres and acres of plastic hoop houses filled with cannabis? I implore you to investigate these issues and make a decision that will protect the bottom lands and the residents of Arcata and the Arcata Bottom community. Sincerely Jim Cotton Arcata

Thanks, whoever you are

On March 2, John Shelter’s New Directions was hired by an anonymous donor to pick up Valley West trash all day. They picked up 1,342 lbs of trash and 42 syringes along both sides of the fence line on the Giuntoli north off ramp. The fee for that was $186 for dumping and the donation was well worth it to his group. Amazing how much trash and the amount of syringes were picked up just in one day. Thank you to the donor for paying for the job well done. People do care about the welcome mat being put out to the motels and businesses in Valley West. Ginger Campbell Arcata

Language matters

I am writing to challenge the Union’s March use of the phrase “Valley West’s chronic hellholes” in the March 10th headline “Ahearn, APD target Valley West’s chronic hellholes for cleanup, fixup.” Over the last year, the broader Arcata community has turned significant attention to Valley West — a neighborhood in which residents, business owners, and advocates have been organizing around challenges largely unseen by other areas of the city for years. How we speak about Arcata matters. Portrayals of our city and its neighborhoods can become feedback loops, and what is said shapes the way that residents’ collective identity is formed, experienced, and perpetuated. This headline, which implies with an apostrophe that Valley West has ownership over “hellholes,” avoids the responsibility that all of Arcata has for the

spaces of our city. Furthermore, to describe areas in our community cluttered with trash from people living unsheltered there as “hellholes” does not align with the values of humanity and compassion that I see reflected in the Arcata community. The headline could have been both more accurate and less derogatory if “Piles of debris and broken fences” was substituted instead. Journalism is a testament to the power of language and its ability to drive change. We all have opportunities to speak about Valley West in a way that highlights the many positive efforts happening there. There are also opportunities to follow supportive words with action. If you are interested in aiding cleanup efforts in Valley West, the City of Arcata hosts a physically distant Clean the Sidewalk Day community trash pickup in Valley West on the first Sunday of every month from 9 to 11 a.m. Volunteers meet at the park on Hallen Drive. For more information, please email gmartin@cityofarcata.org. Signed, Gillen Tener Martin Title: Fellow, City of Arcata City of Residence: Blue Lake

Thank you, McKinleyville

I want to thank all of you who voted for me over approximately 18 years. I think I was the top vote getter in all my elections but if not certainly in most of them. You are owed a much greater thanks than that. The District has become what it is today because large portions were literally built by the citizens of McKinleyville. Since we don’t get general property tax revenue we depend on grants and citizens to provide increased services beyond sewer and water. When the old baseball field was being closed behind the Safeway citizens stepped up and built our baseball field at the Hiller Park. Then Hooven stepped up graded and built our soccer field at Hiller Park. Mr. Charlie Caldwell as part of a nearly two decade effort is getting the funds to build a state of the art skate board park. There is the police station and library run by the county but in buildings provided by Rotary. Ben Sheppard using soft diplomacy led the effort to expand the tax base for police programs. Support back from the Sheriff has been strong. We have gone from only on call officers to being fully staffed with officers. Ken Miller successfully led an effort to restrict pesticides and herbicides. When the community plan was made many years ago provisions were into it for the creation of a McKinleyville Municipal Advisory Committee. This provision languished for some time at the County. When the McKinleyville Community Services District sued the county over land use issues one of the conditions of the settlement was the County organizing the McMAC. The McMAC is planning our town center locally and participants more on county projects than any other county governmental except the county. Maya Conrad as Chairman is creating an even more effective organization. A redwood community forest is coming. The Mad River Union gives excellent coverage to what is happening where most communities have dying local press coverage because of mergers. The citizens should be proud they have created a high quality of life in McKinleyville. It was an honor and pleasure to serve you by running as fast as I could to kept up with our great citizens. The current board and staff has on track shoes too. John Corbett McKinleyville

Deserving Donna

What a pleasure to see the Humboldt branch of the American Association of University Women (AAUW) including Donna Hauser among this year’s honorees. Donna is an indefatigible Election Day volunteer as mentioned in the release – amazing enough considering the long hours that entails. During the early months of the pandemic, Donna turned her quilter’s skills to making masks for any who needed one, family, friends, and strangers alike. She and her husband also keep this essential worker fed with her favorite comfort food, tuna casserole! Donna’s an amazing woman and a true inspiration on how to live a life filled with caring, service, and family. Congratulations to her on her well-deserved honor. Suzanne “Bones” Stafford Arcata

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M arch 31, 2021

M ad R iver U nion

Volunteer sought for committee

he City of Trinidad is seeking a volunteer to fill a vacancy on the Short Term Rental Committee to serve in an advisory capacity to the Trinidad City Council, commissions, and city staff as appropriate, on all matters concerning Short-Term Rentals (STRS) in the City limits. Committee Chair Dick Bruce writes that interested volunteers may go to trinidad.ca.gov/sites/trinidad. ca.gov/files/library/STR%20Notice%2001-14-2020. pdf for more information. Trade School Scholarship Trinidad Civic Club Scholarship Chair Martha Sue Davis writes that there is still time to apply for the 2021Trade School Scholarship. Trinidad residents James and Carmen Kidder started the scholarship program in the 1980s. Academic and Trade School Scholarships have been awarded since then. The 2021 Academic Scholarship application process is closed, however the Trade School one is still open. The $1,000 scholarship is for high school students graduating in June who live between Orick and McKinleyville, who attend a Humboldt area high school and who plan to pursue a one- or two-year educational program to prepare them to enter a trade. It also is open to post-high school graduates who live between Orick and McKinleyville. The application is available on the Trinidad Civic Club website at trinidadcivicclub.org. Click on “Projects.” The deadline to apply is April 9, 2021. Lighthouse open Saturday The regular first Saturday Open House at the 1871 Trinidad Head Lighthouse is set for Saturday, April 3 courtesy of the Bureau of Land Management-California Coastal National Monument, the Trinidad Rancheria and Trinidad Museum volunteers. Docents are available between 10 a.m. and noon to give historical information about the lighthouse, fog bell and the duties of lighthouse keepers over the last 150 years. Pedestrian access only. No vehicles are permitted on Trinidad Head. Dogs must be on leash. Due to some lifting of the coronavirus restrictions, Trinidad Museum is now open on Saturday and Sunday from 12:30 to 4 p.m. COVID precautions in place. Email Patti at baycity@sonic.net. BUDDHA’S BIRTHDAY The Arcata Zen Group invites the public to a Dharma talk titled “ Buddha’s birthday.”. Head Teacher and Soto Zen priest Eugene Bush will speak Sunday, April 4 at 9:45 a.m. Meditation begins at 9 a.m. To join via Zoom visit arcatazengroup.org. Eugene Bush, D.D. began formal practice in 1982 and received Dharma transmission in 2010. For more information call (707) 826-1701 or visit arcatazengroup.org.

A history of Humboldt breweries Humboldt County Historical Society

HUMBOLDT – The Humboldt County Historical Society lecture series continues on Saturday, April 3 at 2:30 p.m. with “Mercantile Brewing in Humboldt County,” presented by Michael Berry via Zoom and hosted by the Humboldt County Library. The lecture can be viewed from the safety and comfort of home on a personal computer, laptop, tablet or smart phone. The deadline to sign up for access to the lecture is at 5 p.m. on Friday, April 2. This presentation chronicles every commercial brewery known to have operated in Humboldt County from 1854 to the present day. Among a number of topics, attendees will learn about the five brewing Marhoffers, the “incident” at the F & Thirty-second streets brewery and the challenges endured by the owners of the brewery on Broadway. Trace the movements and careers of brewers from Anton to Zickgraff and their struggles to remain profitable in a competitive, yet often underserved, market. Advertisements, photographs and bottle labels illustrate the history of this occasionally dramatic and volatile industry. Join Michael Berry as he quenches your thirst for everything you wanted to know about Humboldt County breweries, past and present. Those interested in the lecture can BREW CREW The Humboldt County Brewing Company at Broadway and find more information at the library Harris in Eureka in the 1910s and the brewery’s staff. website humlib.org by clicking on the Photos courtesy Humboldt County Historical Society calendar of events. MARSH TOUR Join Redwood Region Audubon Society for a free guided field trip at the Arcata Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary on Saturday, April 3, 8:30 to 11 a.m., with leader Jude Power. Bring your binoculars and have a great morning birding. Reservations are required and space is limited. Please visit rras. org for COVID-19 participation guidelines. Sign up by emailing name and phone number to shrikethree@gmail.com by 6 p.m. the day before the preferred walk date. WILDLANDS CONSERVANCY Redwood Region Audubon Society invites you to an online presentation on Friday, April 9 at 7 p.m., titled “The Local Wildlands Conservancy Preserves: Behold the Beauty” with North Coast Preserves

Manager Alex Blessing. The Wildlands Conservancy expanded its network of preserves to include the North Coast of Humboldt County. First, in 2008, they acquired the Eel River Estuary Preserve, a 1,200-acre property on the south spit of the Eel River. This preserve includes coastal marsh, pasture lands, eight miles of trails, and three miles of dunes for visitors to explore, as well as excellent birding prospects for grassland, waterfowl, raptors and a myriad of seabirds. Wildlands expanded their local holdings again in 2018, with the addition of the Seawood Cape Preserve, two miles north of Trinidad. Here, visitors can hike the coastal bluffs on a trail down to Scotty’s Point to enjoy vast views of the coast, bird and marine mammal watching, tide-pooling, or fishing. Visit rras.org to obtain the Zoom presentation link.

L egal N otices NOTICE OF ENTRY OF JUDGMENT ON SISTER-STATE JUDGMENT CASE NO.: CV2001146 PLAINTIFF: Vincent M. Lowell DEFENDANT: ChrisContract, Inc.; Christopher Johnston 1. TO JUDGMENT DEBTOR: ChrisContract, Inc. and Christopher Johnston 2. YOU ARE NOTIFIED a. Upon application of the judgment creditor, a judgment against you has been entered in this court as follows: 1. Judgment creditor: Vincent M. Lowell 2. Amount of judgment entered in this court: $307,780 b. This judgment was entered based upon a sister-state judgment previously entered against you as follows: 1. Sister state: Hawaii 2. Sister state court: First Circuit Court, Honolulu 3. Judgment entered in sister state on March 1, 2019 4. Title of case and case number: Vincent M. Lowelll v. ChrisContract, Inc.; Christopher Johnson, et al. Case No. 16-1-1473-07 (DEO) 3. A sister-state judgment has been entered against you in a California court. Unless you file a motion to vacate the judgment in this court in 30 DAYS after service of this notice, this judgment will be final. This court may order that a writ of execution or other enforcement may issue. Your wages, money and property could be taken without further warning from the court. If enforcement procedures have already been issued, the property levied on will

not be distributed until 30 days after you are served with this notice. Date: Oct. 29, 2020 Clerk: James C. BY KIM M. BARTLESON, DEPUTY HUMBOLDT COUNTY SUPERIOR COURT 825 FIFTH ST. EUREKA, CA 95501 ATTORNEY” NEAL G. LATT 294409 MATHEWS, KLUCK, WALSH, WYKLE & LATT, LLP 100 M STREET EUREKA, CA 95501 (707) 442-3758 (707) 442-0813 3/31, 4/7, 4/14, 4/21 CITY OF ARCATA ENGINEERING DEPARTMENT 736 F STREET ARCATA, CA (707) 825-2128 Engineers Estimate: $1.1M NOTICE TO CONTRACTORS FOR 30th Street Commons Improvement Plan: 30th Street The City of Arcata is soliciting bids for the 30th Street Commons Improvement Plan: 30th Street project. The WORK consisting of furnishing all labor, materials, equipment, incidentals and performing all work required to install asphalt paving, concrete work and drainage improvements along 30th Street in the City of Arcata. The project includes, but is not limited to: clearing and grubbing, earthwork, grading, paving, new sidewalk infill and replacement, accessible ramp construction, drainage improvements, curb and gutter construction, wedge and roadway conform grinding, asphalt concrete, raising; manhole, valve, cleanout and monument covers to grade, installation of truncated domes, pavement striping and markings, signage, pedestrian bridge

footings, storm drain piping and storm drain inlets; landscaping; fire hydrant modifications; lighting; 140’ free span bridge with integrated lighting and legends. A mandatory pre-bid meeting is scheduled for Thursday, April 8th, 2021 at 11:00 a.m. The meeting will begin at the Arcata City Hall in the Council Chamber (736 “F” Street, Arcata, CA 95521), and will be followed by a project site walk-through. Sealed bids will be received by the City Manager’s Office, 736 F Street, Arcata, CA 95521, until the hour of 11:00 a.m. on Thursday, April 15th, 2021, at which time they will be transferred to the City Council Chambers where they will be publicly opened and read aloud by the City Engineer or his designated representative. Said bids will be referred to the Arcata City Council for consideration at their next regularly scheduled meeting on or after April 21, 2021. CONTRACTOR shall possess a Class “A” license at the time this contract is bid or a combination of classes required by the categories and type of work included in this contract. PLANS, SPECIFICATIONS, AND PROPOSAL forms for bidding this PROJECT will be available: • For download from the City Website www.cityofarcata.org under “Bid on a Project”. • For purchase at City Manager’s Office, 736 “F” Street, Arcata, CA 95521. A printing charge of $75.00 shall not be refundable, plus a shipping and handling fee of $35.00 for mailing of PLANS and SPECIFICATIONS. Checks payable to the City of Arcata and shall be mailed or delivered in person to the Contracts and Special Projects Manager. • For viewing at the City Manager’s Office, 736 “F” Street, Arcata, CA 95521 and at the Humboldt Builder’s Exchange, 1213 5th Street, Eureka, CA 95501. This CONTRACT is subject

to State contract non-discrimination and compliance requirements pursuant to Government Code, Section 12990. The City of Arcata hereby notifies all bidders that it will affirmatively insure that any contract entered into pursuant to this advertisement, disadvantaged business enterprises will be afforded full opportunity to submit bids in response to this invitation and will not be discriminated against on the grounds of race, color, sex, or national origin in consideration for an award. The above PROJECT is subject to compliance monitoring and enforcement by the Department of Industrial Relations. Each contractor or subcontractor listed on the bid proposal must be registered with the Department of Industrial Relations pursuant to Labor Code section 1725.5. Pursuant to Section 1733 of the Labor Code, the Director of California Department of Industrial Relations has determined the general prevailing rate of wages. Bidders should contact the Department of Industrial Relations at (415) 703-4281 for General Prevailing Wage Rates on specific job classifications. Future effective wage rates, which have been predetermined, are on file with the California Department of Industrial Relations. Bidders are advised that if they intend to use a craft or classification not on file in the general wage determinations, they may be required to pay the wage rate of that craft of classification most closely related to it as shown in the general determinations. The above PROJECT is subject to uniform construction cost accounting procedures as set forth in the California Public Contracts Code, Section 22000 et seq., the Uniform Public Construction Cost Accounting Act. All bidders shall be licensed in accordance with the laws of the State of California.

The City of Arcata reserves the right to reject any and all bids. 3/31, 4/7 NOTICE OF PETITION TO ADMINISTER ESTATE OF JOSEPH HENRY KELLY CASE NO.: PR2100081 To all heirs, beneficiaries, creditors, contingent creditors, and persons who may otherwise be interested in the will or estate, or both, of: JOSEPH HENRY KELLY A Petition for Probate has been filed by: JAMES MICHAEL KELLY in the Superior Court of California, County of HUMBOLDT. The Petition for Probate requests that: JAMES MICHAEL KELLY be appointed as personal representative to administer the estate of the decedent. The petition requests authority to administer the estate under the Independent Administration of Estates Act. (This authority will allow the personal representative to take any actions without obtaining court approval. Before taking certain very important actions, however, the personal representative will be required to give notice to interested persons unless they have waived notice or consented to the proposed action.) The independent administration authority will be granted unless an interested person files an objection to the petition and shows good cause why the court should not grant the authority. A hearing on the petition

will be held in this court as follows: Date: APRIL 22, 2021 Time: 2:00 PM Dept.: 6 Address of court: Superior Court of California, County of Humboldt, 825 Fifth Street, Eureka, CA, 95501. THIS HEARING WILL BE CONDUCTED ONLINE AND MAY BE ATTENDED THROUGH ZOOM. COURT PROCEEDINGS MAY BE ACCESSED ON THE COURT’S WEBSITE AT https://www.humboldt. courts.ca.gov. If you object to the granting of the petition, you should appear at the hearing and state your objections or file written objections with the court before the hearing. Your appearance may be in person or by your attorney. If you are a creditor or a contingent creditor of the decedent, you must file your claim with the court and mail a copy to the personal representative appointed by the court within the later of either (1) four months from the date of first issuance of letters to a general personal representative, as defined in section 58(b) of the California Probate Code, or (2) 60 days from the date of mailing or personal delivery to you of a notice under section 9052 of the California Probate Code. Other California statutes and legal authority may affect your rights as a creditor. You may want to consult with an attorney knowledgeable in California law. You may examine the

file kept by the court. If you are a person interested in the estate, you may file with the court a formal Request for Special Notice (form DE-154) of the filing of an inventory and appraisal of estate assets or of any petition or account as provided in Probate Code section 1250. A Request for Special Notice form is available from the court clerk. Attorney for the petitioner: ARTHUR NIELSEN GALE & NIELSEN 2850 HARRIS ST. EUREKA, CA 95503 (707) 269-0167 3/31, 4/7, 4/14

ORDER TO SHOW CAUSE FOR CHANGE OF NAME JACOB KIRAN-MOONSTONE NICOLE KIRAN-MOONSTONE SUPERIOR COURT OF CALIFORNIA COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT CASE NO. CV2100410 TO ALL INTERESTED PERSONS: 1. Petitioner has filed a petition with this court for a decree changing names as follows: Present name: JACOB KIRAN-MOONSTONE to Proposed name: JACOB MCELDERRY; NICOLE NEA KIRAN-MOONSTONE to Proposed name: NICOLE NEA MCELDERRY; TERRA CELESTE KIRAN-MOONSTONE to Proposed name:

TERRA CELESTE MCELDERRY; 2. THE COURT ORDERS that all persons interested in this matter appear before this court, located at 825 5th Street, Eureka, California, at the hearing indicated below to show cause, if any, why the application should not be granted. Any person objecting to the name changes described above must file a written objection that includes the reasons for the objection at least two court days before the matter is scheduled to be heard and must appear at the hearing to show cause why the petition should not be granted. If no written objection is timely filed, the court may grant the petition without a hearing. Date: MAY 14, 2021 Time: 1:45 p.m. Dept.: 4 For information on how to appear remotely for your hearing, please visit https://www.humboldt. courts.ca.gov/. 3. A copy of this Order to Show Cause shall be published at least once a week for four successive weeks prior to the date set for hearing on the petition in the following newspaper of general circulation, printed in this county: Mad River Union. Date: MARCH 25, 2021 KELLY L. NEEL Judge of the Superior Court 3/31, 4/7, 4/14, 4/21

M arch 31, 2021 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00216 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: CANNABASE DIRECT 430 NEWTON RD. WEOTT, CA 95571 32 SUMMITVIEW LN FORTUNA, CA 95540 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT TAWNY M. MORSE 430 NEWTON RD. WEOTT, CA 95571 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/TAWNY MORSE OWNER This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 19, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/31, 4/7, 4/14, 4/21 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00175 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: HUMBOLDT CANNABINOIDS 3379 WEST END ROAD ARCATA, CA 95521 P.O. BOX 473, ARCATA, CA 95518 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT LEE M. JENSEN 1250 CENTRAL AVENUE MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/LEE M. JENSEN PRESIDENT This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 10, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS TN, DEPUTY CLERK 3/31, 4/7, 4/14, 4/21 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00176 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: XERO POINT BIOLOGICS NOETIC MONK VENTURES SKY DANCER BIOLOGICS 3379 WEST END ROAD ARCATA, CA 95521 P.O. BOX 473, ARCATA, CA 95518 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT LEE M. JENSEN 1250 CENTRAL AVENUE MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/LEE M. JENSEN PRESIDENT This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 10, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS TN, DEPUTY CLERK 3/31, 4/7, 4/14, 4/21 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00191 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: POSSITIVE INSPIRATION RURAL FOLIAGE 5575 WYMORE RD. ARCATA, CA 95521 P.O. BOX 341 BAYSIDE, CA 95524 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT BARBARA J. ZIRKELBACH 5575 WYMORE RD. ARCATA, CA 95521 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/BARBARA ZIRKELBACH OWNER/OPERATOR This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 12, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/24, 3/31, 4/7, 4/14 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00155 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: McKINLEYVILLE HOME & GARDEN CENTER 2725 CENTRAL AVENUE MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT NORTH BANK ASSOCIATES INC. CA 1966595 2725 CENTRAL AVENUE MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 CONDUCTED BY: A CORPORATION S/KEVIN M. JENKINS PRESIDENT This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 3, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/17, 3/24, 3/31, 4/7 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00159 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: THUNDERBIRD MOBILE ESTATES 1700 GWIN ROAD MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 871 38TH AVE. SANTA CRUZ, CA 95062 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT COASTAL WOODS PROPERTIES LLC CA 202035811053 15 SUNCREST DR. SOQWUEL, CA 95073 CONDUCTED BY: A LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANY S/GUNTRAM WOLSKI OWNER This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 4, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/17, 3/24, 3/31, 4/7 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00160 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: TIME TO BAIL 2344 PROGRESS ST. APT. E EUREKA, CA 95501 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT JEAN Y. MCCONNELL 2344 PROGRESS ST. APT. E EUREKA, CA 95501 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/JEAN MCCONNELL

OWNER This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 5, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/17, 3/24, 3/31, 4/7 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00174 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: DIRECTORS CUT 1040 G ST ARCATA, CA 95521 2376 WILLIAM CT. MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT LYNN M EGGINK 2376 WILLIAM CT. MCKINLEYVILLE, CA 95519 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/LYNN EGGINK OWNER/OPERATOR This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on MARCH 10, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS TN, DEPUTY CLERK 3/17, 3/24, 3/31, 4/7 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00147 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: PATCHES’ PASTRIES 1603 G ST ARCATA, CA 95521 6223 WYMORE RD ARCATA, CA 95521 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT PATCHES PLAYGROUND LLC CA 202105310138 6223 WYMORE RD ARCATA, CA 95521 CONDUCTED BY: A LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANY S/PATSY M FRAGA OWNER This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on FEB. 26, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/10, 3/17, 3/24, 3/31 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00127 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: ST. JOSEPH HERITAGE HEALTHCARE 2350 BUHNE STREET, SUITE C EUREKA, CA 95501 3345 MICHAELSON DR. SUITE 100 IRVINE, CA 92612 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT PROVIDENCE MEDICAL FOUNDATION CA C1538558 200 W. CENTER STREET PROMENADE, SUITE 800 ANAHEIM, CA 92805 CONDUCTED BY: A CORPORATION S/JAMES D. WATSON SECRETARY This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on FEB. 19, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS TN, DEPUTY CLERK 3/10, 3/17, 3/24, 3/31 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00135 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: GOOD RELATIONS, INC. 223 2ND STREET EUREKA, CA 95501 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT GOOD RELATIONS, INC. CA 3219386 223 2ND STREET EUREKA, CA 95501 CONDUCTED BY: A CORPORATION S/MELINDA MYERS CEO/PRESIDENT, GOOD RELATIONS, INC. This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on FEB. 24, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/10, 3/17, 3/24, 3/31 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00050 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: FUTURE_10@YAHOO.COM 4786 VALLEY EAST BLVD. APT. F ARCATA, CA 95521 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT 2533 MISSOURI AVE. SOUTH GATE, CA 90280 NANCY D. ARECHIGA SEAN M. ENNIS 4786 VALLEY EAST BLVD. APT. F ARCATA, CA 95521 CONDUCTED BY: AN INDIVIDUAL S/NANCY D. ARECHIGA OWNER This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on JAN. 21, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS KT, DEPUTY CLERK 3/10, 3/17, 3/24, 3/31 FICTITIOUS BUSINESS NAME STATEMENT 21-00145 The following person(s) is (are) doing business as: CRESTMARK MILLWORK 5640 WEST END RD. ARCATA, CA 95521 COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT CRESTMARK MILLWORK INC. CA A0850352 5640 WEST END RD. ARCATA, CA 95521 CONDUCTED BY: A CORPORATION S/SEAN OLSEN PRESIDENT This statement was filed with the Humboldt County Clerk on FEB. 25, 2021 KELLY E. SANDERS SC, DEPUTY CLERK 3/10, 3/17, 3/24, 3/31 ORDER TO SHOW CAUSE FOR CHANGE OF NAME STEVEN PRIMO BONILLA

M ad R iver U nion SUPERIOR COURT OF CALIFORNIA COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT CASE NO. CV2100227 TO ALL INTERESTED PERSONS: 1. Petitioner has filed a petition with this court for a decree changing names as follows: Present name: STEVEN PRIMO BONILLA to Proposed name: S PRIMO BONILLA; 2. THE COURT ORDERS that all persons interested in this matter appear before this court, located at 825 5th Street, Eureka, California, at the hearing indicated below to show cause, if any, why the application should not be granted. Any person objecting to the name changes described above must file a written objection that includes the reasons for the objection at least two court days before the matter is scheduled to be heard and must appear at the hearing to show cause why the petition should not be granted. If no written objection is timely filed, the court may grant the petition without a hearing. Date: APRIL 9, 2021 Time: 1:45 p.m. Dept.: 4 For information on how to appear remotely for your hearing, please visit https://www.humboldt. courts.ca.gov/. 3. A copy of this Order to Show Cause shall be published at least once a week for four successive weeks prior to the date set for hearing on the petition in the following newspaper of general circulation, printed in this county: Mad River Union. Date: FEB. 19, 2021 KELLY L. NEEL Judge of the Superior Court 3/3, 3/10, 3/17, 3/24 SUMMONS (CITACION JUDICAL) CASE NUMBER:CV2100111 NOTICE TO DEFENDANT: ELONEN JAMES KIRKEMO, The Unknown Heirs of ELONEN JAMES KIRKEMO, and All Persons Unknown, Claiming Any Legal or Equitable Right, Title, Estate, Lien, or Interest in the Property Described in the Complain Adverse to Plaintiffs’ Title, or Any Cloud on Plaintiffs’ Title Thereto, and DOES 1 through 50, inclusive. This affects the real property commonly described as 39815 Alderpoint Road, Blocksburg, CA 95514, in the County of Humboldt, State of California, Assessor Parcel Number: 208-142-026-000. YOU ARE BEING SUED BY PLAINTIFF (LO ESTÁ DEMANDANDO EL DEMANDANTE): CYNTHIA LOGAN, Administrator of the Estate of Gary James Kirkemo NOTICE! You have been sued. The court may decide against you without your being heard unless you respond within 30 days. Read the information below. You have 30 CALENDAR DAYS after this summons and legal papers are served on you to file a written response at this court and have a copy served on the plaintiff. A letter or phone call will not protect you. Your written response must be in proper legal form if you want the court to hear your case. There may be a court form that you can use for your response. You can find these court forms and more information at the California Courts Online SelfHelp Center (www.courtinfo.ca.gov/ selfhelp), your county law library, or the courthouse nearest you. If you cannot pay the filing fee, ask the court clerk for a fee waiver form. If you do not file your response on time, you may lose the case by default, and your wages, money, and property may be taken without further warning from the court. There are other legal requirements. You may want to call an attorney right away. If you do not know an attorney, you may want to call an attorney referral service. If you cannot afford an attorney, you may be eligible for free legal services from a nonprofit legal services program. You can locate these nonprofit groups at the California Legal Services Web site (www.lawhelpcalifornia.org), the California Courts Online Self-Help Center (www. courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp), or by contacting your local court or county bar association. NOTE: The court has a statutory lien for waived fees and costs on any settlement or arbitration award of $10,000 or more in a civil case. The court’s lien must be paid before the court will dismiss the case. ¡AVISO! Lo han demandado. Si no responde dentro de 30 días, la corte puede decidir en su contra sin escuchar su versión. Lea la información a continuación. Tiene 30 DÍAS DE CALENDARIO después de que le entreguen esta citación y papeles legales para presentar una respuesta por escrito en esta corte y hacer que se entregue una copia al demandante. Una carta o una llamada telefónica no lo protegen. Su respuesta por escrito tiene que estar en formato legal correcto si desea que procesen su caso en la corte. Es posible que haya un formulario que usted pueda usar para su respuesta. Puede encontrar estos formularios de la corte y más información en el Centro de Ayuda de las Cortes de California (www. sucorte.ca.gov), en la biblioteca de leyes de su condado o en la corte que le quede más cerca. Si no puede pagar la cuota de presentación, pida al secretario de la corte que le dé un formulario de exención de pago de cuotas. Si no presenta su respuesta a tiempo, puede perder el caso por incumplimiento y la corte le podrá quitar su sueldo, dinero y bienes sin más advertencia. Hay otros requisitos legales. Es recomendable que llame a un abogado inmediatamente. Si no conoce

a un abogado, puede llamar a un servicio de remisión a abogados. Si no puede pagar a un abogado, es posible que cumpla con los requisitos para obtener servicios legales gratuitos de un programa de servicios legales sin fines de lucro. Puede encontrar estos grupos sin fines de lucro en el sitio web de California Legal Services, (www. lawhelpcalifornia.org), en el Centro de Ayuda de las Cortes de California, (www.sucorte.ca.gov) o poniéndose en contacto con la corte o el colegio de abogados locales. AVISO: Por ley, la corte tiene derecho a reclamar las cuotas y los costos exentos por imponer un gravamen sobre cualquier recuperación de $10,000 ó más de valor recibida mediante un acuerdo o una concesión de arbitraje en un caso de derecho civil. Tiene que pagar el gravamen de la corte antes de que la corte pueda desechar el caso. The name and address of the court is ((El nombre y dirección de la corte es): Humboldt Superior Court 8235 Fifth St. Eureka, CA 95501 The name, address, and telephone number of plaintiff’s attorney, or plaintiff without an attorney, is: (El nombre, la dirección y el número de teléfono del abogado del demandante, o del demandante que no tiene abogado, es): DUSTIN E. OWENS 244173 OWENS & ROSS 310 THIRD ST. SUITE D EUREKA, CA 95501 (707) 441-1185 Kim L. Bartleson, Clerk, by Cindy C., Deputy Date: JAN. 27, 2021 3/10, 3/17, 3/24, 3/31 SUMMONS (CITACION JUDICIAL) CASE NUMBER (Número del Caso): CV1901250 NOTICE TO DEFENDANT (AVISO AL DEMANDADO): KATHERINE R MAYER YOU ARE BEING SUED BY PLAINTIFF (LO ESTÁ DEMANDANDO EL DEMANDANTE): WELLS FARGO BANK, N. A. NOTICE! You have been sued. The court may decide against you without your being heard unless you respond within 30 days. Read the information below. You have 30 CALENDAR DAYS after this summons and legal papers are served on you to file a written response at this court and have a copy served on the plaintiff. A letter or phone call will not protect you. Your written response must be in proper legal form if you want the court to hear your case. There may be a court form that you can use for your response. You can find these court forms and more information at the California Courts Online Self-Help Center (www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp), your county law library, or the courthouse nearest you. If you cannot pay the filing fee, ask the court clerk for a fee waiver form. If you do not file your response on time, you may lose the case by default, and your wages, money, and property may be taken without further warning from the court. There are other legal requirements. You may want to call an attorney right away. If you do not know an attorney, you may want to call an attorney referral service. If you cannot afford an attorney, you may be eligible for free legal services from a nonprofit legal services program. You can locate these nonprofit groups at the California Legal Services Web site (www. lawhelpcalifornia.org), the California Courts Online Self-Help Center (www.courtinfo.ca.gov/ selfhelp), or by contacting your local court or county bar association. NOTE: The court has a statutory lien for waived fees and costs on any settlement or arbitration award of $10,000 or more in a civil case. The court’s lien must be paid before the court will dismiss the case. ¡AVISO! Lo han demandado. Si no responde dentro de 30 días, la corte puede decidir en su contra sin escuchar su versión. Lea la información a continuación. Tiene 30 DÍAS DE CALENDARIO después de que le entreguen esta citación y papeles legales para presentar una respuesta por escrito en esta corte y hacer que se entregue una copia al demandante. Una carta o una llamada telefónica no lo protegen. Su respuesta por escrito tiene que estar en formato legal correcto si desea que procesen su caso en la corte. Es posible que haya un formulario que usted pueda usar para su respuesta. Puede encontrar estos formularios de la corte y más información en el Centro de Ayuda de las Cortes de California (www.sucorte.ca.gov), en la biblioteca de leyes de su condado o en la corte que le quede más cerca. Si no puede pagar la cuota de presentación, pida al secretario de la corte que le dé un formulario de exención de pago de cuotas. Si no presenta su respuesta a tiempo, puede perder el caso por incumplimiento y la corte le podrá quitar su sueldo, dinero y bienes sin más advertencia. Hay otros requisitos legales. Es recomendable que llame a un abogado inmediatamente. Si no conoce a un abogado, puede llamar a un servicio de remisión a abogados. Si no puede pagar a un abogado, es posible que cumpla con los requisitos para obtener servicios legales gratuitos de un programa de servicios legales sin fines de lucro. Puede encontrar estos grupos sin fines de lucro en el sitio web de California Legal Services, (www. lawhelpcalifornia.org), en el Centro de Ayuda de las Cortes de California, (www.sucorte. ca.gov) o poniéndose en contacto con la corte o el colegio de

abogados locales. AVISO: Por ley, la corte tiene derecho a reclamar las cuotas y los costos exentos por imponer un gravamen sobre cualquier recuperación de $10,000 ó más de valor recibida mediante un acuerdo o una concesión de arbitraje en un caso de derecho civil. Tiene que pagar el gravamen de la corte antes de que la corte pueda desechar el caso. The name and address of the court is (El nombre y dirección de la corte es): SUPERIOR COURT OF CALIFORNIA COUNTY OF HUMBOLDT, 325 Fifth Street Eureka, CA 955011153 The name, address, and telephone number of plaintiff’s attorney, or plaintiff without an attorney, is(El nombre, la dirección y el número de teléfono del abogado del demandante, o del demandante que no tiene abogado, es): REESE LAW GROUP, Jennifer Myers, esq. (Bar #326289, 3168 Lionshead Avenue, Carlsbad, CA 92010; 760/842-5850 (File No. 562720) DATE (Fecha): DEC 16 2019 DAVID V., Clerk (Secretario), by KIM M. BARTUESON, Deputy (Adjunto) (SEAL) NOTICE TO THE PERSON SERVED: You are served. 3/24, 3/31, 4/7, 4/14/21 CNS-3450567# MAD RIVER UNION 3/24, 3/31, 4/7, 4/14/21 NOTICE OF PETITION TO ADMINISTER ESTATE OF DEBORAH LYNN DALTON CASE NO.: PR2100046 To all heirs, beneficiaries, creditors, contingent creditors, and persons who may otherwise be interested in the will or estate, or both, of: DEBORAH LYNN DALTON A Petition for Probate has been filed by: EMILY PATRICIA BROWN in the Superior Court of California, County of HUMBOLDT. The Petition for Probate requests that: EMILY PATRICIA BROWN be appointed as personal representative to administer the estate of the decedent. The petition requests authority to administer the estate under the Independent Administration of Estates Act. (This authority will allow the personal representative to take any actions without obtaining court approval. Before taking certain very important actions, however, the personal representative will be required to give notice to interested persons unless they have waived notice or consented to the proposed action.) The independent administration authority will be granted unless an interested person files an objection to the petition and shows good cause why the court should not grant the authority. A hearing on the petition will be held in this court as follows: Date: APRIL 15, 2021 Time: 2:00 PM Dept.: 6 Address of court: Superior Court of California, County of Humboldt, 825 Fifth Street, Eureka, CA, 95501. THIS HEARING WILL BE CONDUCTED ONLINE AND MAY BE ATTENDED THROUGH ZOOM. COURT PROCEEDINGS MAY BE ACCESSED ON

THE COURT’S WEBSITE AT https://www.humboldt. courts.ca.gov. If you object to the granting of the petition, you should appear at the hearing and state your objections or file written objections with the court before the hearing. Your appearance may be in person or by your attorney. If you are a creditor or a contingent creditor of the decedent, you must file your claim with the court and mail a copy to the personal representative appointed by the court within the later of either (1) four months from the date of first issuance of letters to a general personal representative, as defined in section 58(b) of the California Probate Code, or (2) 60 days from the date of mailing or personal delivery to you of a notice under section 9052 of the California Probate Code. Other California statutes and legal authority may affect your rights as a creditor. You may want to consult with an attorney knowledgeable in California law. You may examine the file kept by the court. If you are a person interested in the estate, you may file with the court a formal Request for Special Notice (form DE-154) of the filing of an inventory and appraisal of estate assets or of any petition or account as provided in Probate Code section 1250. A Request for Special Notice form is available from the court clerk. Attorney for the petitioner: ARTHUR NIELSEN GALE & NIELSEN 2850 HARRIS ST. EUREKA, CA 95503 (707) 269-0167 3/24, 3/31, 4/7 NOTICE OF PETITION TO ADMINISTER ESTATE OF HELEN G. BROVELLI CASE NO.: PR2100075 To all heirs, beneficiaries, creditors, contingent creditors, and persons who may otherwise be interested in the will or estate, or both, of: HELEN G. BROVELLI, HELEN GENIEVE BROVELLI A Petition for Probate has been filed by: VICTOR BROVELLI in the Superior Court of California, County of HUMBOLDT. The Petition for Probate requests that: VICTOR BROVELLI be appointed as personal representative to administer the estate of the decedent. The petition requests authority to administer the estate under the Independent Administration of Estates Act. (This authority will allow the personal representative to take any actions without obtaining court approval. Before taking certain very important actions, however, the personal representative will be required to give notice to interested persons unless they have waived notice or consented to the proposed action.) The independent administration authority will be granted unless an interested person files an objection to the petition and shows good cause why the court should not grant the

B9 authority. A hearing on the petition will be held in this court as follows: Date: APRIL 22, 2021 Time: 2:00 PM Dept.: 6 Address of court: Superior Court of California, County of Humboldt, 825 Fifth Street, Eureka, CA, 95501. THIS HEARING WILL BE CONDUCTED ONLINE AND MAY BE ATTENDED THROUGH ZOOM. COURT PROCEEDINGS MAY BE ACCESSED ON THE COURT’S WEBSITE AT https://www.humboldt. courts.ca.gov. If you object to the granting of the petition, you should appear at the hearing and state your objections or file written objections with the court before the hearing. Your appearance may be in person or by your attorney. If you are a creditor or a contingent creditor of the decedent, you must file your claim with the court and mail a copy to the personal representative appointed by the court within the later of either (1) four months from the date of first issuance of letters to a general personal representative, as defined in section 58(b) of the California Probate Code, or (2) 60 days from the date of mailing or personal delivery to you of a notice under section 9052 of the California Probate Code. Other California statutes and legal authority may affect your rights as a creditor. You may want to consult with an attorney knowledgeable in California law. You may examine the file kept by the court. If you are a person interested in the estate, you may file with the court a formal Request for Special Notice (form DE-154) of the filing of an inventory and appraisal of estate assets or of any petition or account as provided in Probate Code section 1250. A Request for Special Notice form is available from the court clerk. Attorney for the petitioner: STEPHEN G. WATSON LAW OFFICE OF W.G. WATSON, JR. 715 I ST. P.O. BOX 1021 EUREKA, CA 95502 (707) 444-3071 3/31, 4/7, 4/14 CITY OF ARCATA NOTICE OF PUBLIC HEARING MAD RIVER BUSINESS PARK, JANES CREEK MEADOW & WINDSONG ASSESSMENT DISTRICTS PUBLIC HEARING NOTICE NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN that the City Council of the City of Arcata will conduct a public hearing on April 7, 2021 at 6:00 p.m. to consider the following item: Adopting Resolution Nos. 201-37 (Mad River Business Park Assessment District), 20139 (Windsong Landscape Maintenance Assessment District), and 201-38 (Janes Creek Meadow Assessment District), declaring the intention to continue to levy and collect assessments within the three districts for fiscal year 21/22. There is a report of the City Engineer for the three

districts available for public review at Arcata City Hall. Consistent with Executive Orders N-25-20 and N-29-20 from the Executive Department of the State of California and the Humboldt County Public Health Officer’s March 19, 2020 Shelter-In-Place Order, the City Council meeting location will not be physically open to the public and City Councilmembers will be teleconferencing into the meeting via Zoom Video Communications. How to Observe and Participate in the Meeting: Observe: Members of the public can observe the meeting on television on Access Humboldt Channel 10, online by visiting www. cityofarcata.org and clicking on the See Live Meetings, Agendas, and Archives button on the home page, or on the City’s YouTube channel at https://www. youtube.com/channel/UCJYGp9zDPdWMGtA0BtfFX_A Public Comment Participation: Members of the public may access the Zoom meeting directly to provide Public Comment. 1. Join from a PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone or Android device: Please use this URL: https://zoom.us/j/98477658538 2. If you do not wish for your name to appear on the screen, then use the drop down menu and click on “rename” to rename yourself to be anonymous. 3. If you want to comment during the public comment portion of any item, click on raise your hand on the right-hand side of your screen. When it is time for public comment on the item on which you wish to speak, the Clerk will unmute you. You will have 3 minutes to comment, subject to the Mayor’s discretion. Or join by phone: 1. *67 1-669-900-6833 2. Enter Meeting ID: 984 7765 8538 3. If you are accessing the meeting via telephone and want to comment during the public comment portion of any item, press star (*) 9 on your phone. This will raise your hand. When it is time for public comment on the item on which you wish to speak, the Clerk will unmute your phone. You will hear a prompt that will indicate your phone is unmuted. You will have 3 minutes to comment, subject to the Mayor’s discretion. 4. NOTE: Your phone number will appear on the screen unless you first dial star (*) 67 before dialing the numbers as shown above. For further information, please contact Netra Khatri, City Engineer at (707) 825-2173. 3/17, 3/31

NOTICE OF PUBLIC AUCTION Notice is hereby given that the undersigned intends to sell the personal property described below to enforce a lien imposed on said property under the California Self-Service Storage Facility Act (Bus.Prop. Code Ss 21700-21716). The undersigned will sell at public sale by competitive bidding on MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2021at 9 a.m. Bud’s Mini Storage, 1180 5th St., Arcata (corner of 5th and K). #28 ROBERT HARWOOD 3/24, 3/31

B10

Mad R iver Union

M arch 31, 2021

Wetlands and Creeks Committee readies annual report for council Ray Olson

Mad River Union

ARCATA – The City of Arcata Wetlands and Creeks Committee (WAC) held a special Zoom meeting Tuesday, March 23. The WAC members finalized its Annual Report, which is scheduled to be presented to the Arcata City Council on April 7. This report will be available in the council’s agenda packet, posted online prior to that meeting at cityofarcata.org. The committee reviewed, updated and added new goals to its Annual Report. One new goal will be to assist the city in developing a long-term management plan for the city-owned Baylands properties. The properties were acquired through several grants and a number of wetland

and habitat restoration projects have been $37 per parcel to fund the protection, prescompleted in this area. ervation, maintenance and expansion of An additional goal is to supArcata’s parks, trails and natural port city staff in sea level rise open spaces. adaptation planning and The committee received implementation efforts. updates from staff about The third new goal is to grant-funded city wetland improve inter-departand creek restoration projmental and inter-comects for Janes Creek (at Almittee information sharliance Road), South Jacoby ing and idea exchange Creek and the Aldergrove with WAC. Marsh. The committee discussed In 2019, the Wetlands its role in providing potenand Creeks Committee reWAC logo by Mignonne Bivin tial oversight in the city’s ceived an update on the reimplementation of Measure A, which was sults of water quality sampling from Humapproved by voters in last November’s elec- boldt Baykeeper. To continue to build on that effort, betion. Measure A is an annual special tax of

ginning in 2020, city staff has been working with North Coast Regional Water Quality Control Board staff and Humboldt Baykeeper on additional sampling in Jolly Giant Creek to better understand bacteria levels and potential sources. The Wetlands and Creeks Committee is composed of council-appointed community volunteers interested in helping to preserve, enhance and protect Arcata’s wetlands, creeks, tidelands and open spaces. Each city committee meeting is recorded and that recording is available for up to one year, upon request. The city is currently seeking an additional member to fill a vacancy. The committee’s next Zoom meeting is scheduled for May 18.

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PATCHES’ PLACE Patches’ Pastries Grand Opening took place all last week. Located in Arcata’s Northtown Coffee at 1603 G St., owner Patch Fraga is handcrafting Portuguese, vegan, gluten-free treats and other baked goods. patchespastries.com, (707) 6333959 Matt Filar | Union

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Humboldt, we’re on the path to opening!

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How do we open? Lower our Positivity Rate = # of Positives Tests / # Total Tests Lower our Case Rate = Less new daily cases per 100K people

We made it back to Red Humboldt, We can make it back to being 100% Open Through Testing and Vaccinating we can move through the Tiers. 1,000+ Vaccine Doses Administered at our Weekened Clinics. We can all do our part!

OPEN! 707 822-3621 Switchboard

3800 Janes Rd. Arcata, CA 95521

County Testing Sites are open and available, Schedule Here: https://humboldtgov.org/2787/COVID-Test-Registration

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COVID Vaccine Info Line 826-8250