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Oversized Luggage

A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.

“Do you always carry such heavy luggage? she asked, winded.

“Never again!” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my wife can buy the ticket!”

How Do You Like Your Steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Customer: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Not Yet Published

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called ‘T. Hanks — For the Memories’.

APPARENTLY, A TRUE STORY

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how content and happy he was. I was puzzled but let him continue. It was only when I glanced down that I understood his reason for imparting this personal information. The table leg against which I had been rubbing my itchy foot wasn’t a table leg at all.

HOW A-MOO-SING

City boy, visiting his cousin’s farm: “Say, why doesn’t that cow have horns?”

Country cousin: “There are many reasons why a cow might not have horns. Some grow horns late in life, some have them removed, some might lose them in an accident, and then there are certain breeds who simply never grow horns. This cow doesn’t have horns because it’s a horse.”

Jet Fuel

Ben and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gatwick. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ben said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Ben wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Ben says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Ben says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing...”

“What’s that?”

“Have you...err... broken wind yet?”

“No.”

“Well, don’t… I’m in Lanzarote’

Profit In Preventative Maintenance

The man’s printer was printing more and more faintly, so he decided to call the repair shop.

A young man answered the phone and told him, “You can bring it in for cleaning, but that will cost you £50. Therefore, it might be prudent to just read the manual and try fixing it yourself.”

Surprised by the answer he had just got, the man said, “Thank you, young man. Does your boss know you are pushing away customers?”

The young man replies, “Actually, it is his idea. He tells me if we allow people to try and fix the printers themselves, we’ll end up making even more money.”

BINGE-PRINTING PUNS

I cannot trust people who use large format printers. They are always plotting something.

Why did the printer refuse to print the fake news? Because he didn’t have the fax.

My opticians sent me a letter, but I am concerned about their printer. Either it is failing or they used a blurry font.

What did the printer yell after all the paper ran out? Oh, sheet.

The new clever printer printed the selfie she took in ultraviolet ink. People now see her in a different light.

My friend could not understand why I was sad when my cheap reproduction printer became obsolete. I told him that it was like a brother to me.

The printer said it wanted to join a band. It made total sense. It loves to jam.

What happened to the printer that performed miracles? It got Canonised.

Which type of printer do pigs use? An oinkjet printer.

What did the older printer tell the younger printer? Do not use that toner on me.

What did Snow White say after the printer jammed? My prints will come one day.

The man was laid off for stealing printer cartridges. He was caught magenta handed. Why was there wet ink in the printer? Because it could not control the P.

What happened to the printer salesperson who dreamed about selling a brand new type of ink? She woke up and realised it was all a pigment of her imagination.

My friend says his 3D printer can print a gun. I’m not very impressed. I have had a Canon printer for over a decade.

Why were the counterfeiters looking for a brand new copier? They wanted to acquire one that was in mint condition.

Why do printers go to the gym? To get toner. The man walked into a printer shop and demanded that they print for him a book with pages 40 feet long and two feet wide. The printer said, “What’s the purpose of the long pages?” Man, “It’s a long story.”

Wee Cough

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks boss, I could use a week off!”