READERS’ SCRIBES SOMETHING TO SHARE?

Love Your Fish

For his birthday, Little Johnny’s parents gave him a bowl of goldfish. His mother carefully explains to him how much responsibility comes with owning a pet and tells him to make sure he remembers to give the fish the care they need every day.

Johnny is responsible with the fish for about one week, after which he begins forgetting to look after them, leaving his parents to feed the fish and clean the tank. After a couple of weeks, Johnny’s Mum and Dad bring the issue up to him.

“Now Johnny,” says his mother. “You have to be more responsible.”

“Do you know how many times those fish would have died if we hadn’t been there?” his father adds.

“Uhm, I don’t know,” Johnny replies. “Once?”

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW — Different colour from previous design.

ALL NEW — Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE — Imported product.

UNMATCHED — Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION — No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN — The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST — Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED — Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY — Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC — No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED — Previous flaws fixed. We hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY — Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT — We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH — We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE — Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS — Ours, not yours.

Tight Budget

I spent £40 on a belt that didn’t fit. My wife said it was a huge waist.

Puns You Can Print

That dolphin is so rude, but it doesn’t do it on porpoise.

Why don’t cows wear sandals? Because they lactose.

Why are oysters greedy? Because they’re shellfish. Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

Why do bees have terrible hairstyles? Because they use honeycombs.

What’s the saddest kind of bird? A bluebird. Pigs are no fun to hang around. They’re just a boar. Why can’t you accuse a cat of counting cards? Because you’ll say he’s a cheetah, and then he’ll say you’re lion.

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? “That hit the spot!”

Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Politics

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”

Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”

Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

Sleeping Partner

Last night I dreamt I had an identical twin. This morning when I woke up, I was beside myself!

Counting Cows

My son couldn’t sleep. So I told him there are cows sleeping in the field outside.

He said: “What’s that go to do with anything?”

I replied: “Because it’s pasture bedtime.”

Calming Tropical Fish

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain. Must be all the indoor-fins.

Bar Stars

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They didn’t planet that way.

Ai In Print

“I’ve created a new computer that is almost human.” “You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?”

“No, but when it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”

Magical Spouse

Husband: Sorry, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It’s not urgent. You can come on foot.

The Batmobile

Robin: “The Batmobile isn’t starting!”

Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”

Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

Shop assistant: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Shop assistant: You didn’t even try it on?

Psychic: I’m a medium.

WHY WERE YOU FIRED?

Two salesmen were talking about work, when one asked, “So, why did your manager fire you?”

Replied the second, “You know how a manager is always standing around and watching others do the work? Well, my sales manager got jealous. People started thinking I was the manager.”

Salesforce

A student at a sales management school came up to a girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the guy, holding his cheek. “Customer feedback.”

Nosey Parker

I fear my neighbour may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer... I saw it clearly through my binoculars!