How To Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
Maggie Hunter
How To Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Maggie Hunter
Copyright © Maggie Hunter. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the brief quotations in a book review. First Printing, 2022.
Dedicated to Jak For the hilarious suffering he puts his students through every year for an explanatory assignment.
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H
ey! Have you ever struggled to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Get the wrong jelly? The wrong bread? Peanut butter? Or maybe, the instructions to make your pb&j’s were too vague and not specific enough. If you have any of these problems then this is the perfect book for you! This how to book will be providing specific, step by step instructions on how to make the most amazing mediocre peanut butter and jelly sandwich EVER!
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STEP ONE: bread
Bread is so so so so important in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because without it you really wouldn’t have a sandwich. Pretty sure you would just have… gloop. ANYWAYS! Now not any bread will do. No no no, see hamburger and hotdog buns are not ideal. Nor is banana bread or any dessert bread. You probably would want to get some regular Grandma Sycamore’s white, wheat, or sourdough bread. Preferably pre-sliced. Or you can make some bread, but that is in a different book.
How to Make a PB&J 9 Once you have an idea of what kind of regular sliced bread, unless you have made the regular bread from scratch, now you need to purchase that bread. To purchase the bread, you will need to go to your local grocery store, find the aisle that stores the bread, find the bread you desire, grab the bread, take the bread to the register or self checkout, purchase the bread, take the bread to the place where you desire to make the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (It is recommended to make the sandwich in a sanitary place, but hey. You do you).
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STEP TWO: peanut butter Now that you have bread you need some peanut butter! First check your pantry. Look closely. See anything labeled peanut butter? No? Well now you have to think about what kind of peanut butter you want, unless of course you found some peanut butter in your pantry. There’s chunky peanut butter, smooth peanut butter, JIF peanut butter, Skippy peanut butter. There’s also a lot of off brand peanut butters, but you can look at those when you consider how much money is in your wallet.
How to Make a PB&J 11 Once you have an idea of what kind of peanut butter you want on your sandwich, you need to go BACK to your local grocery store to purchase the peanut butter. Find the aisle that stores the the peanut butter, find the peanut butter you desire, grab the peanut butter, take the peanut butter to the register or self checkout, purchase the peanut butter, take the peanut butter to the place where you desire to make the peanut butter and jelly sandwich (that is also in the same place where you have put the bread because you have desired) to make the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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IMPORTANT!!! DO NOT COMBINE THE BREAD AND THE PEANUT BUTTER YET! THAT IS IN A LATER STAGE! RIGHT NOW JUST, YOU KNOW, LEAVE THEM IN THE SEALED BAGS OR CONTAINERS THEY ARE IN!!
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STEP THREE: jelly Literally repeat the same steps as peanut butter BUT instead of searching and thinking about peanut butter, you’re thinking about jellies and jams. REMEMBER: JELLIES AND JAMS! Once you have an idea of what kind of jelly or jam you desire, you need to purchase that jelly or jam. To purchase the jelly or jam, go to the local grocery store! You should know the drill by now. If you don’t then geez. Maybe ask a friend for help. Once you have purchased the jelly or jam, place it with the peanut butter and bread. ONCE AGAIN DO NOT COMBINE THE PRODUCTS YET!
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STEP FOUR: opening the products
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opening bread: Look at your bread bag closely. There is an opening, I promise. Not sure where it is? Well an easy way to find out is to put your hand on the sides of the bread and feel which side you can have your hand go through the plastic WITHOUT piercing a new hole in the bag. That side should also have a little twisty tie on it. You want to untwist the twisty tie until it’s all the way untwisted. I’d get more specific, but I don’t know what way your twisty tie is twisted, so like. Figure it out. Once the twisty tie is untwisted all the way, just toss the twisty tie behind you. You don’t need it anymore. Now, remember that hole that you found earlier that you could put your hand through WITHOUT piercing a new hole in the bag? Put your hand in it again and keep on putting it in until you feel the first slice of bread. Feel that bread? Good. Now the bread is cut into slices, so this should be easy for you. Grab two, TWO, slices of bread. Good job. Pull the two slices you have grabbed out of the bread bag. Noice. Put those two slices of bread that you grabbed onto the sanitary surface that you are planning on making the sandwich. Leave the bread alone now.
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opening peanut butter: Turn to your peanut butter jar. There should be a lid. If there’s not or you don’t know what a lid is, give up now. Get a new book telling you what a lid is, or how to find a jar with a lid. Now that you have found the lid, put the palm of your dominant hand on the top of the lid. Then grip the lid with all five of your fingers tightly. Got a good grip? Good! Leave that hand there. Pretend it’s super glued to the lid just like that. DON’T MOVE YOUR HAND. With your other hand, put your palm on the SIDE OF THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR. Not the lid, not the bottom, but the side, specifically the side that is the same as your weak hand. For me, my right hand is glued to the lid right now, so I would put my left palm on the left SIDE of the jar. Now that your palm is on the SIDE of the jar, use all five of your fingers to grip the jar without moving your palm. IT’S GLUED NOW. YOU CAN’T MOVE YOUR HAND. Both of your hands are glued to the jar now. Keep them that way. The jar should be right side up, meaning that the top of the lid should be exactly 90˚ from the surface or parallel to the walls. DO NOT MOVE THE JAR FROM THAT POSITION.
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Keeping the jar and your hands in the same positions that were described, twist your dominant hand’s wrist counter clockwise while keeping your hand glued to the lid of which the top of the lid is parallel to the walls or 90˚ from the surface. This should make the lid start to twist off. Once you can’t twist your dominant hand anymore, the only thing that will move is your dominant hand. Lift it from the lid. And then reposition it EXACTLY like you did before you twisted your wrist. Palm on top of lid, fingers gripping tightly, and then glue it again. Do the same twisting action, the EXACT same as before. Repeat the EXACT SAME ACTIONS of the DOMINANT hand until the lid screws all the way off. NOTHING SHOULD ALTER THE WEAK HAND AND POSITION OF THE JAR. Throw the lid behind you. You don’t need to have it anymore. Set the jar down, open side facing up, exactly like it was oriented when you were twisting the lid off. Let go of the jar when it is on the stable surface. LEAVE THE PEANUT BUTTER ALONE NOW.
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opening jelly: Look at your jelly jar. Does it have a lid? Well it should. Alrighty. I am going to make this super simple. Remember how you opened up the peanut butter jar? Ok, go back. Look at those instructions, but instead of the instructions referencing the peanut butter jar, change the words “peanut butter” to “jelly” in your mind. WOAH! Would you look at that! Now the instructions are directed towards opening the jelly jar. Follow the instructions! Do it! YAY!
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STEP FIVE: applying the yums
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applying peanut butter: For this step you need a butter knife. Don’t know what a butter knife is? Look it up. Don’t know how to look it up? Well…maybe get a book about, you know, the internet. Retrieve the butter knife and place it next to the peanut butter jar. After placing the butter knife next to the peanut butter jar, make sure that the two slices of bread that you had set aside after getting in the first few steps of this process are seperated. Do NOT have them stacked on top of each other. Have them side by side flat on the surface. Move from the bread back to the butter knife. Grip the butter knife by the handle with your dominant hand. NOT THE SERRATED SIDE, THE HANDLE! With your weak hand, grab the peanut butter jar exactly like you did when you were opening the jar. REMEMBER THIS IS YOUR WEAK HAND, SO THE SIDE OF THE JAR, NOT THE LID. Orient the blade of the butter knife down into the opening of the peanut butter jar. Scoop up a big glump of peanut butter with the butter knife. Make sure to really SCOOP that peanut butter onto the butter knife. You want enough to spread on the bread.
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Keeping the big glob of peanut butter on the butter knife, carefully remove the butter knife from the peanut butter jar. KEEP THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BUTTER KNIFE! Choose a slice of bread. Just one. Now move the butter knife towards that piece of bread keeping the peanut butter on the knife. I cannot stress this enough. KEEP THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BUTTER KNIFE! Now put the side of the butter knife with the glob of peanut butter on the chosen piece of bread. Spread the glob around on the bread and repeat the process until the desired amount of peanut butter is on the chosen piece of bread.
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applying jelly: Now you need a spoon! Don’t know what a spoon is? Um…I’m concerned for you. Please seek help if you don’t know what a spoon is. Grab the spoon by the handle, which is the non-spoon curved side of the spoon. Approach the opened jelly jar. Stick the spoon curved side of the spoon into the opening of the jelly jar. Scoop out a glop of jelly. KEEP THE JELLY ON THE SPOON! Carefully carry the spoon filled with jelly to the piece of bread WITHOUT peanut butter on it. CAREFULLY plop the glop of jelly onto the piece of bread WITHOUT peanut butter on it. Spread the glop of jelly around on the bread and repeat the process until the desired amount of jelly is on the piece of bread WITHOUT the peanut butter on it.
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STEP SIX: smush As it says, smush the two pieces of bread together. WARNING!!!! MAKE SURE TO SMUSH THE SIDES OF BREAD WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ON THEM TOGETHER! SO THE SIDE WITH JELLY TOUCHES THE SIDE WITH PEANUT BUTTER!! DO NOT MAKE AN INSIDE OUT PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!!! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!
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STEP SEVEN: admire and eat
Your sandwich should look similar to the sandwich above. If not, you have literally failed. The instructions were super good. Super specific. If they didn’t work then I don’t know what will. Take a trip to a grocery store and buy some Uncrustables or some other pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. If it does look correct, good job!! Now eat your sandwich and enjoy!!