WHY INTEGRATING COMPASSION INTO YOUR 2023 GOALS IS VITAL

This world is constantly telling us that we aren’t enough: not good enough, pretty enough, successful enough, productive enough, and the list goes on. As a result, much of our drive to grow and develop seems rooted in our wish to convince the world to like us. We just want to be loved, feel that we belong, and—at the end of the day— have a sense that we’re accepted for who we are. Yet, when we set these types of goals (driven by these kinds of motivations), we often give up before getting halfway to reaching them. This is because, deep down, we know that our shame-based attempts at self-improvement aren’t actually going to make us feel the way we want to feel. And furthermore, the following sense of failure leaves us weighed down by frustration and disillusionment. So we give up. And maybe even stop setting goals altogether. By Mags Thomson

This makes me sad because having the ambition to achieve things that are important to you really can be helpful on the way to building a life you love. Our goals can keep us focused as we build the life we dream of. However, the way we approach them will determine our success. The reasons why you’re setting a certain goal (as well as how you go about doing it) are just as important as the goal itself. We make choices and engage in behaviours because we get something out of it. Even when on the surface we just do what “needs to be done”. Even if it’s something, like a bad habit, that we hate doing. There’s usually some underlying benefit to us. In very general –and quite sweeping terms— we can identify two core motives: We get a reward, or We avoid a punishment REWARD /ri-wawrd/

Something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc. PUNISHMENT /puhn-ish-muhnt/

A penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc. SURVIVAL /ser-vahy-vuh l/

The act or fact of surviving, especially under adverse or unusual circumstances. Definitions taken from Dictionary.com Survival is at the centre of our instinctual nature as human beings. Of course, it often appears more nuanced on the surface. But if we peel away the justifications we make and the complex intellectual stories we tell ourselves, we can see them for what they are: actions that will determine whether we get a reward or avoid a punishment. And more often than not there’s a combination of both motivations in the mix. You might be wondering, “Mags, how does this apply to me?” Well, let’s break it down and apply the concept of reward and punishment to situations that are relevant to your life. I’m going to hang out with Charlotte today because, even though I’m tired and want to stay home, she’s my friend and I love her. That’s what friends do. Translation: I want Charlotte’s approval, company, and gratitude because it makes me feel wanted. Reward. Now let’s reframe this. I want to hang out with Charlotte today because, even though I feel tired, I feel like I’ll be judged if I don’t go? Translation: I’d like to sleep, but nurturing my relationships is vital to my survival in this big old world. I don’t want to be alone or have her get angry at me. Avoiding punishment. And both of these together equal survival. The External Motivation Trap

The rewards and punishments refer to external factors; extrinsic rewards and punishments that can cause our motivation to wax and wane. They depend on people, society, and culturally acceptable norms around us. And because of this, we tend to compare ourselves and our accomplishments with other peoples’. Now, don’t get me wrong: extrinsic motivation has its uses, for sure! It may be what motivates you to show up for work every day to collect your paycheck at the end of the week, for example. However, too much focus on external rewards can actually sidetrack us from the larger goals in life. Consider the paycheck I just mentioned: imagine what could happen if you became obsessed with it? It could cause you to neglect the family you were motivated to take care of with your salary in the first place. Besides, external motivation is dependent on other people and outside circumstances. So leaving that kind of influence over your ambition in the hands of anyone (or thing) outside of your own control? That’s a slippery slope. Doing this will leave you scrambling to be successful, useful and valuable according to someone else’s set of values—not your own! And it will affect your self-esteem negatively

because 1) you won’t respect yourself for not being true to who you are and 2) you’ll be deeply unhappy because you’re not being true to yourself. Stop Looking At The Bear!

When we make choices about our wants and needs in life we can come at it from different angles. Either we approach our choices from an optimistic angle, or we base our choices on fearbased responses—often rooted in our past. Our survival instinct is more likely to keep us stuck in that fear-based programming. Even if our higher, rational brain can understand that we’re not actually at risk, our more primal instincts can be ringing alarm bells based on situations we’ve encountered in the past. When we look at our life through the lens of fear, we trigger our problem-solving skills. For example, if you were walking along a road and saw a bear up ahead, would you start thinking, “Oh, I think I want tacos for tea tonight!”? No. All you’d be able to think about is how to survive. Do I run? Fight? Play dead? This is the famous fight, flight, or freeze response. In a nutshell: you’re in survival mode and can only focus on this situation right in front of you. The fight, flight, or freeze response is a nifty system that comes in pretty handy when there’s a bear on the road ahead. But when you take that survival approach into your daily life, you’ll only be able to react instinctually rather than respond intuitively and rationally; limiting the opportunities available to you—and maybe even hurting your health, relationships, and financial stability. When you take a step back from your fear responses to consider the broader picture, you can move forward with peace and allow yourself to get creative about building a life you desire and love. Without bears on the road to distract us, we can think about how lovely the forest looks, what we want for dinner, and where we want our lives to be five years from now. Would you like some more support to set compassionate goals? I wrote a book about it a few years ago. Get yourself a copy from Amazon!

FOUR DIVERSITY, EQUITY AND INCLUSION MYTHS BUSTED

We often think about Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) as a corporate theme, something the big bosses have to think about. But I want to know what role DEI plays in your life. How does it impact how you show up, as a business owner, as an employee, as a CEO, and in your personal life as well? Have you made the connection between the two? By Abbiola Ballah #1. DEI Affects All Parts of Us

A lot of times people think about the workplace only, when they think about DEI. Or they think about it as just being about race. It is important to look at diversity, equity and inclusion through an intersectional lens, and as it being part of our overall mindset rather than just a work issue. Are you willing to have these uncomfortable conversations? Are you willing to start to take action? Getting started with DEI can be daunting because most likely the action we will take is going to be imperfect. Are you willing to start doing things, thinking and talking about things that may make you feel uncomfortable, that may have you realise parts of yourself that you’d rather deny?

On our DEI journey, we are unlearning generational patterns, societal patterns, and some personal patterns as well. That is very uncomfortable, and it requires introspection. That introspection will not be confined to our work persona. It is pretty much guaranteed when we start taking action, that we’ll mess it up somehow. BUT it’s better to do something and do it incorrectly, do it incorrectly, and learn from it than let inequality exist. DEI is hard enough without us wanting to do it perfectly all the time. #2. DEI Isn’t About Grand Gestures

Another idea that stops people from taking action is the idea that they have to make a grand gesture, in order to say that they’re being inclusive. A lot of companies will put out this big statement, that they’re “being inclusive.” You see it all over their websites, allowing them to pat themselves on the back saying: “We made the statement, y’all. It’s in black and white on our website.” But what is behind that grand gesture? More often than not those grand gestures are meaningless, in terms of ongoing action to support the grand gestures and make them tangible. So what do we do instead of these grand gestures? We have to actually come down to our orbits, our circle of influence. We are not trying to save the world. Think about how you can impact the people in your office, the people on your team, the people in your home or the people in your sports team. From that impact, watch the ripple effect as others start showing up in their circle of influence too. #3. DEI Isn’t JUST About Race

For a long time, I have hidden pieces of myself. I’m from the Caribbean, but I’ve lived internationally for the majority of my adult life- in Japan, the US, and Belize. I’ve hidden other aspects of who I am, different identities that I have, whether they’re privileged or marginalised. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I cannot just walk into a room being only ONE thing. I can’t just be ‘the person of colour’, or some people may even assume I am ‘the black woman.’ I’m of mixed ethnicity, so I am not just another black woman, I grew up very differently. All of these pieces of me influence my perspective. The DEI space is very US-centric, and it’s also very single issue focussed. It’s about race or gender. I take more of a holistic approach because through my experiences, I recognised every person has intersectional identities. For example, this list is not exhaustive: I am a woman, a person of colour, I am also a person with a larger body, I have to think about certain things that others who aren’t in a larger body don’t have to think about. So because of that, because of those experiences, because of that lens, I approach diversity and equity and inclusion in that intersectional way. We have to be open and non-judgmental in having these conversations. We have to challenge some of the ideals or thoughts that we may have had around certain topics. Considering what privileges we hold can be hugely unsettling. This work is not just for white people. It’s not just for CIS people. It’s not just for men. It’s for everyone because we’re all made up of all these different intersectional identities. Some of this can change. Our socioeconomic status changes. Our age changes. Our housing-status changes. Things can change, as we go through our lives. DEI isn’t about only ONE -ism. We need to look at it through an intersectional lens. #4. DEI Is Not a Checklist to Complete

Change and iteration are important words for me. When we’re putting DEI structures into place, when we’re putting action plans into place, you have to understand that that document or plan is based on the current situation. You have to implement, and then assess. From that assessment and the feedback, you make changes, and you iterate. And then you create the next version, which is based on all the information you have at THAT moment. It’s a continuous cycle. This scares a lot of people because this feels never-ending. However, let’s reframe this idea of DEI. Inclusion is not the goal. For me, it’s a journey. DEI is cyclical and it’s a theme we have to revisit again and again over time, depending on the space you’re in, the people you’re around since our priorities and topics may shift. There are so many nuances within the DEI discussion. You cannot just say, it’s a straight line from A to B. It’s not a checklist where you can implement this, this, and this and now you’re inclusive. It’s a commitment that you have to make to keep doing the work one step, one action at a time.