I haven’t got it figured out yet Leon Heathfell

I haven’t worn pants in three days.

I haven’t got it figured out yet

By Leon Heathfell leonheathfell@gmail.com

It’s the last day of August. School is about to start, and I’m in my pyjamas and cat-slippers. Instead of spending the introductory day in a new classroom, like I and most other students would consider the status quo, education is meant to be conducted over a Zoom call. Though sceptic to this format I immediately see the benefit of this situation. On the day I wake up as late as an hour before class, leaving me with more than enough time to spare. I don’t rush with my breakfast but instead enjoy my first coffee, read some funny posts online, then pet each of our five cats before heading upstairs ten minutes before class commences. I return to the bed I just recently left, put on my headset and pop open my relic of a laptop. It’s not until then I have a horrifying realisation. I’m the only one not properly dressed. First impression I get of the slightly pixelated faces that flicker in and out is that the clear majority are much younger than I. Not too young to be in university, especially not in first year. It’s just that next to me, now on my fourth degree, the gap seems huge. At a later bonding-activity I find how some are fresh out of high school, or are starting university studies for the first time after a sabbatical year. I also took a sabbatical year to work prior to this, though it was due to a complete burnout brought on by years of arguably too intense studies. 2020 is also the five-year mark of my high school graduation. In other words, half a decade ago. I feel old and jaded amongst my peers. They seem so lively, enthusiastic and positive in comparison to my tired and cynical self. Whereas they are keen to express themselves, full of all these ambitions and dreams, my main priority is to gain the necessary knowledge to land myself a job. Kick-off with bonding games and pub-crawling lacks appeal. I’m not energetic enough to socialise with strangers,especially not those full of youth and vitality. By eleven I’m hopefully asleep since I’ve been in bed since eight. In class I’ve lost near all focus by noon, filtering out the dreadfully tedious information that is essential and certainly was essential back when I was new to the scene. Now I’m not, and I’m not excited about getting to know the things we’ll be doing this year. Instead I’m eager to have a break so I can regain my humanity by having a second cup of coffee with a side of daily antidepressants. In places like Sweden we have the great luxury of being able to attend school for free. We even have CSN to lean on for aid in our academic careers. This means age isn’t as much of a determiner of when it’s possible to go. It also means it’s not impossible to change direction or start on something new. But then there’s the social aspect. There’s pressure, spoken or unspoken, looming like a shadow only getting darker and bigger the longer time passes. On one hand you’re meant to enjoy your twenties. You’re encouraged to explore and live life to the fullest, go travel, try new things, meet new people. On the other hand you’re meant to make the most of your twenties because by the time you’ve reached your thirties you’ve reached the deadline to get your life together. The closer you edge in the more pressure hangs off the questions posed to you. So what have you been doing until now? What are your plans for the future? What do you intend to use your education for?

It gets less and less acceptable to respond to any of these with “I don’t know” or “I haven’t got it figured out yet.” Time, in other words, is constantly ticking. Or at least that is how it may seem. Because of

these underlying expectations it can be easy to feel disconnected from your peers, especially if you’re a tad older. With age comes wisdom and experience, isn’t that what we’ve been told? Yet experience is not quantitative in the same way as, say, experience culminated in video games. With this outlook it might seem like you’re the only one who doesn’t have it all together in a midst of people seemingly certain of where they’re going or that they are at least heading somewhere. I know I certainly did. To some extent I still do. With this said I hope to be able to put some minds at ease. Simply by meeting some other people in my class who were a bit older took some of the self-imposed pressure off. It also helped to hear from my friends my own age that most of us are just winging it. That way I knew I wasn’t completely alone, and I daresay there are more out there believing that than you’d think. I can promise you’re not the only one hiding your pyjama shirt under your hoodie. You’re not the only one improvising and taking things as they come. Not having energy to socialise often is far from uncommon, or having one of those days when you can’t do the things you might otherwise want to. And that’s OK. Who’s to say you have to know where every piece of the puzzle goes? Part of the thrill is discovering that while putting it together. And in order to find out where it fits you have to try putting it somewhere, right? I know it can be hard to completely ignore the opinions of others, but in the end you’re the one living your life. So as long as you’re content, I’d say that’s good enough. I guess what I want to say is, life has a way of throwing you curveballs and rudely enough doesn’t always wait for you to pick up your bat to have a swing at it. Try and not get too discouraged by it. The game isn’t over until the whistle blows, as they say. So take your time. Try not to worry far too much. Enjoy yourself best you can, and I wish you the best of luck with your studies!

Maybe tomorrow.