420 Minutes: South Portland

420 Minutes: South Portland

BY IAN STUART

South Portland is a great town if you like being pulled over for minor vehicle violations and shopping at poorly lit retail stores. It’s a joke, the lighting in most retail stores is brighter than prison spotlights during an Alaskan jailbreak. That’s a joke too; I love South Portland, from shopping to dog parks, I spend the majority of my time as a Portlander, in SoPo. South Portland has had a variety of pot shops open recently, and I felt it was time to make the rounds and visit as many as I could while taking in the local fare. So I set out to South Portland with a list of dispensaries and the intent to grab breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Pre-breakfast, pre-anything for that matter, is coffee. I did not go to a fancy coffee shop or a well-established chain. I went to a gas station that makes coffee for vagabonds without taste buds. Cheap, hot, and filled with more sugar than a chubby kid on Halloween, it does the trick. Due to a hastily placed lid and a quick stop, I wore most of the coffee I planned on drinking. Wet, but determined, I made my way to the first stop of the day, The Maine Cannabis Exchange.

I friggin’ love this place. Jillian and Mike, the budtenders, were fun and informative, offering insight into each product I asked about. The shop offers a potent collection of in-house strains and products as well as a fantastic array of top-shelf items from many of the industry leaders in Maine. I picked up some in-house edibles: juicy gummies and a heroic 300mg milk chocolate bar, on top of some insanely delicious peanut butter brownies from Buzzed Bakery and a couple of mighty effective lemonades from Highbrow. They had many standout strains available, almost all in-house, and with such a serious array, it was hard for a wook to choose. I picked up some slices of Blue Nana, Tart Pops, and their Sunny D Mac, which tastes and smells like pungent orange peels that your old-school stoner uncle used to add moisture to a dry bag of chronic. It’s one of my favorites in all of Southern Maine. If you haven’t tried MCE’s Sunny D Mac, you are doing yourself a disservice; go treat yourself! Leaving the store with a bag big enough to fit a whole bale of ganja, I head out in search of a proper breakfast.

Heidi’s had been recommended to me, and after perusing their menu online, I called in an order for pick-up. I went with a bacon breakfast burrito, for my health. Crunchy, greasy, and cheesy, it paired with my Slurricane preroll with the same strength in bond that “fuck” pairs with “yeah.” I like eating in my car, I have a place to sit and put my stuff, plus few people get the chance to watch me eat like an overzealous bear with a cooler full of hotdogs. I polish off the burrito, sound out the drum solo to a Peter Gabriel song, and I’m on my way to the next dispensary.

Highly was right next door. Alex and Wayne helped me pick out a couple house prerolls, Mr. Nasty and Punch Breath. The Mr. Nasty was a wonderful tasting hybrid that was physically relaxing and euphoric, perfect for a post-coffee blaze. The hippie highball was in full effect. Looking for something that was unique to the area, I was sad to hear that they were out of slices of their inhouse strains. They had a phenomenal selection from other gardens and directed me towards a strain grown in living soil by Maine Grown, Erez from Tukon. Wayne said it was a great strain for people suffering with digestive issues, like ya boy, and noted it was a strain that saw many repeat customers, so I had to pick it up. In high spirits, I head out to peruse the local salvage store and grab a light lunch.

The salvage store was a bust. I almost bought a samurai sword, but while I was waiting in line, I had enough time to snap out of my white trash knife hypnosis and run from the store, thank god. Looking for something smokey and sweet, I head to Moe’s for some barbeque. I order the pulled pork sandwich, again, for my health. Moe’s is decorated like a deadhead’s freshman dorm, so I felt completely at home. I take the sandwich to my car and unwrap it the way a villian unwraps a dirty bomb in a movie. I inhale meat and bread with the same force a shop vac cleans up sawdust on a concrete floor. Covered in barbeque sauce, I take my car out of park and head towards a place sure to have a dab or two for me, The House of Hash.

The place looks like a bank in a Two Chains music video. It was hard not to be impressed with how sleek and modern the space was; regardless of how many times I asked, they wouldn’t let me open a checking account. Cody and Patrick showed me around the futuristic room, landing on the wall of hash. And, as I was at the House of Hash, I thought it appropriate to grab some here. Looking for something that was unique to them, I was referred to their False Teeth concentrates. With a powerful citrus and rose tea bouquet, I was thankful to have a handheld vape in the car. The rose tea flavor was so strong when taking a hit I started looking around for a small stone statue in my shop bag. No statue, but I did find a couple complimentary gifts to help redden the whites of my eyes.

Thai food had been the dinner plan from the beginning. I knew I was going to be in the area of my favorite Thai spot, Pom’s. I am addicted to their drunken chicken; if I ate any more of it, I’d need an intervention. I call to make my order — “30-40 minutes” — damn, Pom’s is hot tonight! With some time to kill, I head out to the Beach Boys dispensary on the outskirts of SoPo. I get switched and turned around on my way out there and accidently land in front of a sign that reads “Maine Vintage Toys.” I friggin’ love toys from the 80s and 90s. I pop in and find an astonishing collection of all the toys I pined and fawned over as a young kid. I met the owner, Jesse, who couldn’t have been nicer. He offered me two for one on some Spawn action figures. I wasn’t planning on picking up toys on my little weed trip, but hey, Spawn action figures rule, and it was nice to support such a cool local business. Plus, he didn’t seem to care that I smelled like Peaks Island skunk on Phish Lot. With new toys and Thai food waiting, I hustle over to Beach Boys.

Beach Boys is another dispensary that reminds me of a bank, but a bank that also sells skate shoes and wakeboards. A friendly young staff helped me pick out a slice. Looking for something I could only find at Beach Boys, I went with their Galactic Glue, a fluffy earthy strain that was a nice mellow daytime smoke.

I make my way to Pom’s to pick up my food. I grab my bag from the pick-up table just as the restaurant is closing, jump in my car, and open the bag to start devouring my meal. Across the parking lot, I see the sign for Grass Monkey, about to close. Might as well stop in and grab a last minute dessert joint. I quickly make my way into the exoticly decorated store and grab a preroll of their Pute Breath, which was recommended to me by the staff.

Feeling accomplished, I settle back into my vehicle, open the bag of Thai food, and take out my meal. I immediately realized I was too high to remember to grab utensils before the restaurant closed and suddenly felt a whole lot less accomplished.