Strain Safari with The Strainger

Chem Dog Diamonds

All Kind I just walked out of All Kind, a charming medical marijuana dispensary quietly nestled on one of Portland’s busiest streets. During a taste-testing session of one of their current top shelf concentrates, The Chem Dog Diamonds, I had taken a few heroic doses with owner Claire and had lost my inner monologue as well as my ability to structure complete sentences. Thankfully, you don’t need to use too many words while ordering a burrito, and All Kind is conveniently located a few doors away from marinated meats wrapped in tortillas. The Chem Dog Diamonds smell like a perfume you would catch wafting from a rich Nana’s holiday party—a fragrance that is sophisticated, sharp, and bold, yet incredibly warm and inviting. A huge diamond juts out of its glass jar, looking like a glowing Aggro Crag from Nickelodeon’s guts. The stunning diamonds swim in an amber-tinted terp sauce that can only be described as ice cubes in a whisky glass that has been recently polished off. A good full hit, the aftertaste is that of earth and pastry, like a pop-tart you enacted the five second rule with. You can feel the high spread through your forehead; I keep trying to take off a hat I’m not wearing. The effect is incredibly peaceful and euphoric; I feel warm and comfortable. I am so cozy that I have to make an effort not to doze off while waiting for my meal. When my food finally comes, I decide that I would rather box it up and eat it at home. I head back to my place, eager to sink my teeth into this overstuffed baseball bat of a burrito. In a heady daze, I grab my mail from the front of my house before making my way to the kitchen to grab a plate. I drop off the mail and go to wash my hands in the bathroom. I return to the kitchen and cannot find my burrito anywhere. I just had it, I think. Right? Did I drop it? Annoyed and hungry and after combing every inch of my dojo, I decide to retrace my steps to the restaurant and back with absolutely no luck in finding my missing burrito. Three hours later, and the last place I look is the mailbox. That’s where it is. The mailbox.

Damn, those Chem Dog Diamonds are good.

Critical Kush Diamond Sauce Mac’s Tree House

“You have to try this.” Back at All Kind, I am presented with a gram of the Critical Kush Diamond Sauce from Mac’s Tree House. “I think you will like this,” Claire presses the gram into my hand like a good luck charm. I bring back the jar oozing with the gilded globs to my little studio, and the Critical Kush glistens like someone has taken the jewels out of a watch face and dropped them into liquid caramel. I rip a quick hit before setting up to take some video footage, and hints of sweet wheat grass and lemon pepper accompany the easy tokes. The first hit is so tasty I can’t help but treat myself to another dollop, and another… then one more. Before I know it, I don’t know anything. In a daze, I look at my camera equipment the way a farmer looks at an alien mothership in his field. Confused by the technology and lights, I retreat to my couch. My nose tingles as I can feel warmth move down to my eyes, doubling my vision slightly. I am stoned. The high creeps like a supernatural axe murderer in a B-grade horror movie, slow and progressively more intense.

Malibu Marsh Live Diamonds Curated Cannabis Company

I am a huge fan of the many delivery services in the Portland area—fast, friendly, and affordable. Getting my marijuana delivered is as easy as ordering a pizza; in fact, I generally order both at the same time, and unbeknownst to the drivers, throw a slightly better tip to whomever gets to my house first (cough … always the pizza guy … cough). I’ve used Curated Cannabis a few times and always find their product to be exactly what I’m looking for when I’m looking for new flavor profiles, effects, and potency. After a weekend of comedy shows in central Maine, I was looking to use my Sunday for self-care, throwing down dabs on the enail between COD kill-screens. The Malibu Marsh Live Diamonds perfectly complemented an afternoon spent losing online video games to shit-talking youngins. The live diamonds were gorgeous, one huge rock in the middle of lightly colored terp sauce, brightly shimmering like a gold tooth found in the shallows of a sandbar on Sebago Lake. Immediately, I was hit with an explosive botanical aroma, wafts of citrus zest and floral notes like a tropical mixed drink ordered at breakfast on an all-inclusive vacation you mistakenly took with extended family members. I initially took a low-temp dab and was blown away by the flavor, a smooth hit that was easy on the lungs. I could feel the top of my head expand and empty and was immediately hit with the high across my cheeks, lifting my face into a tranquilizing grin. My fiancee walked in on me zoning out in the living room watching Unwrapped and legitimately thought I was having a medical emergency based on how my face looked. Nope, just dabs.

Chocolate Toast x Jam Bar 100mg THC All Kind

You cannot go wrong with edibles; chocolate and marijuana is a duo that hits harder than The Road Warriors coked up on a Sunday morning in the early 1990s. All Kind always has new and interesting takes on the medicated chocolate bar. I was excited to see their new 100mg Toast and Jam Bar, dark chocolate mixed with raspberries and bread crumbs from a local bakery. This seems like a confectionery concocted by Willie Wonka during his freshman year at a liberal arts college in Northern Vermont, and it could not be tastier. I planned to take a nibble for the review but ended up eating the whole thing. The first bite I took made me audibly howl a “goddamn” in the same tone the word “medic” is screamed throughout the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Chocolate, raspberries, and breadcrumbs come together like a threepiece jazz fusion jam band that cannabis is managing. The packaging is bright and professional but takes me at least a half a minute to break into. I fumble with the wrapper like a bra strap on a first date but am ultimately successful. The edible is effective while not being overpowering. I don’t get groggy and enjoy a buzzy body high that lasts longer than I thought it would. I can feel relief in my lower back, joints, and leg muscles. I have no idea why I’m sore; I don’t exercise at all.

Stoner Notes: Top Three Munchies of Maine

Maine’s food scene is no longer the well-kept secret it once was. Publications from across the globe have fastened praise and accolades on the delightfully dank local fare, and rightfully so. Though the applause is well-earned, it has also shed outside light on many of our little local secret spots and once-hidden gems. The coastline is littered with brined treats, salty delicacies, and depending on the temperature and traffic, an even saltier local community. Maine’s food scene means fresh ingredients, generational recipes, and inspired food and dishes prepared by weathered locals who have perfected their cuisine over many decades of stoney summers. It’s no wonder tourists flock to our coasts like rabid seagulls to an unattended grocery bag of stale sandwiches. Though our seafood scene is legendary, it’s also not always the right pairing when you’re blazing down a jibba of some locally grown green bud. Not only can seafood be pricey, but also most local shacks have lines and wait times now that make the DMV edgy with jealousy. If you’re not into shellfish or just don’t want to wait over an hour to drop a dime on a hot dog roll filled with tail meat, here are some Maine Munchies that just may hit the spot.

Fluffernutter:

The Fluffernutter is a staple in lunch boxes and pails across New England. Peanut butter, marshmallow fluff, and white bread, the white trash trinity. You’ll need creamy peanut butter, name brand fluff, and bread so white it still brings up plot lines from the show LOST. If you make a Fluffernutter and there is any nutritional value to it, you have made it wrong. Your chest should hurt and your thoughts should race after consuming a Fluffernutter. This is a perfect munchie for the budget-conscious stoner or any wook with a hankering for a treat that will remind them of a time their family still talked to them.

Needhams (Yessah’ Bub):

This treat couldn’t be any more “Maine.” This is as close as you can get to an “Ayuh” in candy form. The ingredients are chocolate, coconut, and mashed potatoes, and it couldn’t be more obvious that the recipe for the Needham was concocted by a drunk person during the throes of the Great Depression. Chocolate and coconut are a classic match up, but throwing in a potato is like having a threesome you can’t brag about because one of your partners happened to be related through a second marriage. Bonus: You will be able to forgo the usual tourist traps swarming with bronzed French Canadians slinging banana hammocks, as you will only be able to find the good Needhams in rural farmers’ markets operated by 90-year-old widows.

Whoopie Pie:

The tiramisu of Hancock County, the Whoopie Pie consists of sickly sweet frosting sandwiched between two pieces of dry chocolate cake. This baked item is made exclusively for people who have given up on ever looking good naked again. Always over sized and always a day too old, the old-fashioned Whoopie Pie delivers a sugar high that can only be described by beatboxing dubstep noises. A rich, decadent treat that can be found inexpensively at the stainless steel counters of every mom and pop shop in the state, I assume they are bought by every foreman that comes in with a lunch order they didn’t make. I don’t think I’ve ever actually finished a Whoopie Pie in one sitting; in fact, I am not sure if I know many people who have. Regardless, it’s a perfect snack for those who have a sweet tooth bigger than Tony the Tiger’s frosted molars.

Honorary mention: The Amato’s Italian.

Before we get into our top pick, I’d like to acknowledge the Amato’s Italian. I wanted to keep this a list of sweets, but if you have not yet treated yourself to the wonder that is an Amato’s Italian, you are truly missing out. Though the lobster roll is the official sandwich of Maine, every local that replaces ‘er’ with ‘ah’ knows the truth. The tasty embodiment of a blue collar, hardworking lunch break, this sandwich is the perfect meal for anyone unironically wearing work boots or any hungry,hungry pothead blowing smoke rings in the Pine Tree State. I recommend the turkey with extra olives and order over the phone—everyone knows you’re high, man.

In conclusion, you can still eat like a Mainer without wasting your time in a line or spending the big bucks. You can find all this shit in stores that don’t care if you are wearing shoes or a shirt, so whip off that tank top and go grab you some Wonder Bread and chocolate bubbah’.

Ian Stuart is a comedian and writer based in Portland, Maine. A lover of animals, family, and all things marijuana related, you can find more info at www.IanStuartComedy.com.