Strain Safari with The Strainger

Positive Growth Gardens Edible Review:

I can be a picky eater. It’s not that I’m trying to be particular about my food, I just know what I like. The problem with knowing what you like, however, is that you will most likely fall into a trend of eating the same thing every night. I spent most of my twenties binging on cheap Stouffer’s pizzas, easy pasta recipes, and a couple of Dagwood-inspired sandwiches that could’ve choked Scooby Doo. I wouldn’t have been surprised to find my weekly menu written in chalk on a board above a highschool snack shack, nutrition and taste thrown out for a bland culinary routine. Thankfully I’ve seen the error of my previous diet and now enjoy a myriad of different flavors and cuisines, now finding new foods to be particular and picky about. Honestly, maybe too much so, I am currently gorging my way through my thirties like a competitive eater at a Major League Eating Championship, and I am the favorite to win both first and second place. I don’t need Maury Povich to cut me out of my house just yet, but I have written some sharply penned Yelp reviews to several under-staffed buffets locally.

The only thing I like more than discovering a new food I can be particular about is a new edible I can be high and particular about. Recently, while out buying medical supplies at the Maine Mall dollar store, I stopped by Positive Growth Gardens in Westbrook. Caesar, the proprietor, was nice enough to let me sample a few of their medicated candies. What a spread! He hooked me up with strawberry-flavored salt water taffy, cardamom caramels, their OG salted caramels, and a tin of Harmonizer’s microdosed espresso beans covered in caramel and chocolate. Caesar also threw in a T-shirt. After asking what size I was, I countered with a laundry list of excuses listing the reasons I’ve gained so much weight recently ending with a, “...but I just started working out, so maybe I can fit into an XL?” Caesar laughed, “Yeah, I’ll give you an XL.Something to work for.” “Sure,” I nodded in approval, “says the guy who just handed me a bag full of candy.”

Sitting down alone later that evening, I pawed my way into Caesar’s care package. I had been a fan since trying their delicious salted caramels earlier last year and was excited to explore their new culinary concoctions. The first thing I popped open was the tin of Harmonizer’s, looking like raisinets you’d find in the back room of a hacky sack factory. I couldn’t stop eating them. The first drop tasted like a caramel M&M that had been up studying all night at a Starbucks. The second tasted like a coolatta that had been made at a booth on Harry’s Hill. The third one tasted like the first one, and the fourth tasted like the second, so being a professional, I had to do a quality check on all of them in a single sitting. And yes, that’s why the intro to this article is as long as it is. Please send more.

Trying to stave off the wicked caffeine buzz I had given myself, I dove into the cardamom caramels as well as the salted caramels. Zipping around like a mosquito on Motley Crue’s tour bus in the mid-80s, I combined the two caramels together and chewed the wad like a minor league pitcher walking his fifth batter in a row. And though the flavors differ slightly, the combination was delightful, beginning as salty and buttery before transitioning into a pleasantly sweet aftertaste. My tastebuds exploded like an M-80 in a drunk redneck’s hand on a summer holiday. The flavor was so rich I could hear the ghost of Julia Child’ moaning in my head. Send two more.

Well, I wasn’t going to bed anytime soon. I was flying off the espresso beans and so high I should have called the FAA for clearance. I’m a sucker for strawberry candy and figured that at that point I couldn’t get any more stoned. (I was wrong.) I tore open the package of salt water taffy like a racoon ripping apart a poorly placed trash bag. Soft and chewy, it was like eating a strawberry Charleston Chew that had third row seats for half the Dead and Co. tour last year. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire package. On my fourth bag of edibles, I was somewhere in the high 300mg range and had ingested an untold amount of calories. Disappointed in myself and stoned like an oceanside patio, I caught myself zoning out on the T-shirt Caesar gave me. I looked around at all the discarded plastic candy wrappers lying lifeless on my carpet, then I looked around at all the discarded packages that held those pieces of candy, then I looked back to the T-shirt...and that shit definitely won’t fit now.

Review Pen: Mowing the lawn, GMO Live Resin Upstate Gardens

It had rained for a week straight, and my lawn was beginning to look like I had rolled the wrong numbers playing Jumanji. Unlike my neighbors, I am not enthusiastic about maintaining my yard. I’ll mow and weed whack, but I’m not installing rock walls and fountains like Mike across the street. Not only am

I lacking a green thumb, but I also hate our mower. One of my issues with our mower is that even on the highest setting I’m a bit too tall to comfortably slog the machine around on the grass. Simply put, the shit hurts my back. It’s the only mower I have, however, and after a few laps of cutting plants while blasting death metal in my headphones, I turn off the mower for a minute to search my well-worn cargo shorts for something I can use to pull my hair up and out of my sweaty face.

I was unable to find a hair tie but stumbled upon a vape pen I had forgotten in my shorts the day before — a disposable GMO live resin vape pen from Upstate Gardens. Small and sleek, the pen reminded me of a small phaser from Star Trek The Next Generation. Taking a few flavorful rips, my back started to ease up as my shoulders began to relax. I was feeling better already. I threw my headphones back in and began pushing the mower. Thanks to my newfound highly kinetic energy, I breezed through the rest of the front yard and began to tackle the back. As I made my way from the side of the house, I saw my fiancee waving me down. I took out my headphones, asking, “What’s up?,” as she folded her arms. “Did you mow the front yard?,” she asked. “Yes, I just finished.” “Look again,” she said, “How high are you?” Puzzled, I walked to the front of the house and immediately realized my mistake. The grass had not been cut. After I had ripped the pen, I threw in my headphones and neglected to turn the mower back on, blissfully rocking out to music and failing to notice a lack of lawn trimmings. I’m not always a fan of vape pens, but damn, this one was good.

TROPIC TRUFFLE FROM DIALED IN FARMS

Tropic Truffle Dialed in Farms - Comedy Show

Live stand-up comedy is not dead, but due to the current situation, it has changed. I was booked to perform on a show at a local distillery, outside on their patio, with social distancing, masks, and safety precautions all in place. We had two shows, both sold out. Given the instructions to distance ourselves from everyone before, during, and after the shows, I knew I had some time on my hands. So to pass the time, I brought along a couple joints I rolled with the Tropic Truffle strain grown by Dialed in Farms. The buds were picturesque: forest green buds highlighted by a purple only Prince could pull off, with thick orange hairs that would make a stepchild weep. The joints stank, in a good way of course. Mask or no mask, people could smell the dankity-dank from 50 yards away. Between shows, I indulged in more than a few puffs and made note of the light fruity taste. Like a Twizzler used as a straw in an expired Snapple, the Tropic Truffle was so sweet I made an appointment with my dentist to check for cavities. Both of the shows went smoothly and safely, though for some unknown reason, I have an easier time remembering my first performance from the evening...

BLUE WIDOW BUDDER FROM NORTHEAST NATURALS

Blue Widow Northeast Naturals

I wouldn’t be a true wook if I didn’t have a preference for how hot I think my dab banger should be. As it stands now, I am a street-hardened soldier in the cold start gang. After years of breathing fire on hot nails and spicy glass, I have found my peace with cold starts. For those who do not know: a cold start is when you place your concentrate in a cold banger, cap it, and then heat it up until the exact point of combustion. And though you may be left with a small puddle of dabs after the torch, the experience is that much better on many levels: the taste, the high, hell, even the cough is different. If you haven’t tried a cold start dab, stop what you’re doing and treat yourself.

I had planned to organize my Super Nintendo collection. I was working on a shelf in the corner of my man cave that has a slew of classic titles that get little to no use. After sifting through a few nostalgic titles, I got a hankering for a daba-roo. I grabbed my trusty dab rig, the torch, my pick, and Northeast Naturals’ Blue Widow. The dabs were white, like Karen on a rampage at Walmart over whether she needs to wear a mask white. Nice and clean, they tasted like organic cleaning chemicals you’d use to tidy up a van that a banjo player has been using as permanent housing. I took two dabs and quickly lost interest in organizing games; I wanted to play a few. Another two dab hits of the Blue Widow, and I was kicking some serious monster ass on Zombies Ate My Neighbors. An uplifting and powerful high, the Blue Widow was a perfect companion to an evening filled with the smashing of A and B buttons. I may have finally beat the high score I set back in the day, but the shelf is still unorganized.