I DON’T LIKE YOU
To, All the stupid people in my life. Thank you for being a part of my life even if it was for a brief moment. If this zine ever gains popularity, I shall owe my success to youรกll. Love, Maal.
I don’t like it when you don’t wash your hands after using the washroom. How do I know? I have been watching you. Your hands are not wet with water, you fool!
I don’t like it when your burst balloons. Do you know how much oxygen I gave to those lifeless things? You killed them! You murderer!
I don’t like it when you constantly keep picking up and eating food from my plate. I just had a tiring day! What’s your problem? I am hungry! I want food! Food is mine and only mine! Get Lost!
I don’t like it when you ask stupid questions. Of course, there are stupid questions because there are stupid people. The person who said that there are no stupid questions was the most stupidest stupid ever!
I don’t like it when you pout in each and every picture on your social media accounts. Don’t you have teeth? Are you so fed up and tired with humanity that you want to associate yourself with ducks? Hmm! I get it! Then, go. Die.
I don’t like it when you look at me and ignore me. Can’t you see I have been crushing on you? Look at my face. My puppy face. But, I know you won’t. Because you are a wolf. An ugly devilish wolf! I hate you! *cries*
I don’t like it when you watch stupid Hindi serials. Do you want to go off to sleep with sarees, heavy jewellery and make up? Do you have a wedding to attend in your dream?
I don’t like it when you take selfies with your Starbucks cup. What are you trying to show? Your name on that cup? But, we already know your name. Oh! Is it what I am thinking? Are your subtly trying to show that you are cool and rich? Oh boy! You’re a fool! My dear! A fool!
I don’t like it when you text me when I am actually waiting for someone special to text me. I am sorry but did I just say that you are not special? That’s the truth though. I know I am mean. Tell me something new.
I don’t like it when you don’t stop the fucking rains. Can’t you see the mosquito bites on my legs? Can’t you see the mud in my room? Can’t you see that my clothes are not drying? Can’t you see that I am on my period? You choose to be blind! You rude boy!
I don’t like it when you serve me a full fried egg. I asked for a half fried. Clearly mentioned it twice. You should be egg zoned dude!
I don’t like it when...
Exactly! I don’t like it when you create awkward silence. I say stupid shit when there is one. So don’t. I am not stupid. I am Maal.
I don’t like it when your kids cry and make noise at the top of their lungs. Excuse me? Are you seriously putting pressure on me to play with them or smile at them? I find them cute? No! You find them cute? Yes? Then, good for you!
I don’t like it when you crawl on the walls of my room. I know you get hate vibes from me. But, that means you should get out of my room and not just go and hide behind my cupboard. That’s not enough, Lizzie!
I don’t like it when you keep making that stupid sucking noise with the straw. Your drink is over. Get a new one for heaven’s sake! Stop creating noise pollution.
I don’t like it when you start talking loudly on your phone in the middle of the movie. ‘Bhai tere baap ka cinema hall nahi hai. Nikal yaha se!’
I don’t like it when you are not charged even after an hour. Don’t you get it, how important you are to me? You should have cried for help! But you didn’t. You wanted to die. Okay. I know I should have treated you well.
I don’t like it when you play my favourite song as soon as I get out of the car. It’s funny how you pretend to be my friend on my face and hilarious how you do things behind my back.
Okay. Over. Bye.