Mama Life Magazine Christmas 2020

CHEATING in This Age of Modern Technology

BY WENDY CAPEWELL www.yourrelationshipspecialist.co.uk

WHAT IS CHEATING OR INFIDELITY?

IT CAN MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT IT BOILS DOWN TO THE BETRAYAL OF TRUST.

I get asked that question many times. Both men and women seem confused and worried about what is okay and what isn’t. If you are in a relationship, then you need to talk about it and decide what that means for you and your relationship. Because with modern technology the boundaries can so easily become blurred. If you are starting a relationship, then you need to agree on the boundaries at the start, and that includes issues I talk about in this article, as well as much more as your relationship continues. Many a relationship has fallen down because things were assumed and not talked and agreed on early on.

Before modern technology, mobile phones and social media, life was much simpler, and more transparent. And boundaries were more easily defined. I’m not saying that no one cheated on one another, it happened, I just think it’s easier to do and hide now. Modern technology has changed the way that we communicate with each other, and there are endless ways of communicating as well as actually having a conversation with each other including: •Text messaging •Email •WhatsApp •Facebook •Messenger •WeChat •Tumblr •Facetime •Twitter •Snapchat •Instagram •Linkedin

You may be surprised that I added Linkedin, as it’s generally seen as a business platform. But I have been propositioned on there many times. With all these various ways of communicating, you can see how easy it is to connect with a stranger or an old flame, often anonymously or secretly.

One of my clients did just that.

She reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook, and they began talking about what had happened in their lives since they had parted more than 10 years before. They had both married and had children, but neither were particularly happy in their relationships.

By reconnecting, they forgot many of the reasons their past relationship had not worked out. Instead they each put on those rose-tinted glasses and made excuses as to why they had parted. She said her parents objected at the time, that he lived in a rural part of the country and she was a city girl, and that those were issues they couldn’t resolve. Instead she married a guy who worked in the city and provided the lifestyle and financial security she craved.

Ten years on she claimed she was bored in her relationship, her desire for that lifestyle came at a cost. Her husband worked long hours to provide her with all the material trappings she wanted, and he wasn’t available to meet her emotional needs.

So, her former lover appeared just at the right time – or so she thought. They each agreed that they could not leave their families until their children no longer needed them – which could be 10–12 years in the future.

In the meantime, they spend hours on social media messaging each other, with the occasional stolen moments when they could make a secret phone call.

I don’t believe either of them had their feet firmly on the ground. As I said there were good reasons why their relationship had not worked out all those years ago, and it’s so easy to romanticise about an idyllic life. Instead of working on their current relationship, they were prepared to risk everything and cause untold hurt to their respected partners and children.

When I challenged her as to whether she thought she was cheating on her husband, she claimed she wasn’t as they hadn’t had any physical contact, it was just innocent chatting and messaging. But I viewed it differently, as they were making plans to leave their current relationships, albeit in the future.

Then I asked her how she would feel if she found out her husband was doing the same thing. She brushed my question aside, adamant that her husband wouldn’t do that.

It’s not my place to tell clients what they should do. But it left me wondering what happened after we finished working together.

Do you think she was cheating?

The Ups and Downs of the

Female Libido

By Dr Hannah Missen

Libido /lɪˈbiːdəʊ/ noun noun: libido; plural noun: libidos 1. sexual desire.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CAUSES

Modern day life can be tough on us all; especially in the turbulent times we have all faced this year. Juggling the demands of family life, work and trying to find five minutes for ourselves can make us feel tired, distracted and stressed. Life in the digital age offers easy distractions such as mobile phone and social media use, instead of time connecting with your partner. If you feel constantly tired, anxious or stressed you may need to make some lifestyle changes. Why not sit down together to discuss ways to achieve the life you want and reconnect? Sometimes anxiety or feeling tired all the time can be more serious and might need to be discussed with your GP.

A common cause of low libido is problems in relationships. Frequent arguments, unresolved disagreements, a lack of communication or issues with trust can negatively impact on your libido. Perhaps you have become a little overfamiliar with your partner, or have found that spark of sexual attraction has been lost over time. Everyone has highs and lows in their relationships and your libido is the same, but if you have more persistent issues or find loss of libido is affecting your relationship, an open and honest discussion with your partner or relationship counselling might be of benefit to work through issues together.

Depression is a serious illness that can affect many aspects of your life, including your sex drive. It is really important that you speak to your GP if you think you may be depressed. Symptoms might include feeling down or hopeless, losing interest in doing things, disturbed sleep, and changes in appetite or energy levels. There are lots of ways that you can be helped. Please reach out and ask for help. By dealing with your depression, you might find that your libido improves.

PHYSICAL CAUSES

Sometimes physical issues can affect libido, making sex difficult, painful or less enjoyable. Vaginal dryness is a common problem that can occur at various times of life. The menopause, breastfeeding, or taking certain medications are just some of the things that can cause vaginal dryness. There are some simple solutions to try, including more foreplay and using a water-based lubricant before sex. Vaginal moisturisers can also be helpful, but try to avoid perfumed soaps, creams or lotions (including petroleum jelly). If things aren’t improving or you experience unusual bleeding or discharge down below you should discuss this with your GP. You can also see your GP if you are experiencing symptoms of the menopause, and we will be discussing this in more detail in the new year here at Mama Life magazine.

There are other things aside from dryness that can make sex painful. This might be a more superficial pain in your vagina, or a deeper pain in your pelvis. There are lots of causes of this; infections, thrush, allergies to things like condoms or soaps, fibroids, endometriosis … the list goes on. A condition called vaginismus can also cause pain, by involuntary tightening of your vaginal muscles when you attempt penetration. And remember if your partner is male, they can also experience pain too, which has its own list of possible causes! It’s best to discuss with a GP or sexual health professional at a GUM clinic if you experience these symptoms.

Problems achieving orgasm can be physical or psychological, but can affect enjoyment of sex and have a consequent impact on libido. It is important to mention that some women find that they don’t need to orgasm to enjoy sex. However, if this is a problem for you, firstly it’s important to ascertain whether this is a new issue, or whether you’ve never been able to achieve orgasm to help identify the underlying reason. Again, it’s worth discussing this with your GP or a sexual health professional to help reveal the underlying reason. And if the cause is thought to be psychological, a sex therapist can help.

If your partner is male, perhaps they have physical issues that affect your sex life. Erectile dysfunction is very common, especially in the over 40s, and is most often an occasional issue that is nothing to worry about. Most common causes include stress, anxiety or drinking too much alcohol. If it keeps happening, it’s worth speaking to your doctor to rule out an underlying cause and to discuss treatment (which is normally very effective).

Ejaculation problems are also really common, with the three main types being premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation and retrograde ejaculation (where the semen goes to the bladder, rather than out through the penis). The most common of these is premature ejaculation, which can happen from time to time, but if it happens more persistently, it’s worth exploring physical or psychological causes.

There are some things that you can try yourselves to help, like masturbating a few hours before sex, using a thicker condom, or taking a break during sex. Lastly, lower levels of the male sex hormone testosterone can have an impact on the male libido, but this is uncommon and things like stress and anxiety are more likely to be the culprit of low libido.

Low libido is really common during pregnancy, after giving birth and while breastfeeding. Your hormones are changing, your body has transformed which for some can be difficult to come to terms with, you are probably feeling pretty exhausted and your priorities have probably changed with a small human to care for. Furthermore, perhaps you had a cut or tear during delivery that causes pain, or are having discomfort from your caesarean wound (it’s pretty major surgery, you know!). In most cases, these things improve over time, but if not it’s worth speaking to your GP (especially if you’re getting problems down below after birth trauma).

Certain medication can have an impact on your libido. The most common culprits are: •some medication for high blood pressure •some types of antidepressant •some medication for fits •some antipsychotic medication •some medication for enlarged prostate or prostate cancer •hormonal contraception

Read the leaflet that comes with your medication to see if low libido is a possible side effect, and if you think it’s affecting your sex drive, consider discussing it with your GP. It’s worth discussing it before you stop taking the medication, as you could do yourself some harm by suddenly stopping. Perhaps there is an alternative medication that you can try. Along the same lines, drug misuse and too much alcohol can also have an effect on libido.

Drinking too much over a prolonged period can reduce your sex drive; remember men and women are advised not to drink more than 14 units per week on a regular basis. If you’re worried about your drinking, call Drinkline on 0300 123 1110 or speak to your GP. Your GP is also a good place to start if you want to get help for drugs, or the Frank website lists local drug services www.talktofrank.com

As you get older, you might find medication side effects more of an issue as you may experience other health problems. But there is no reason why you shouldn’t have a good sex life into older age!

Other health conditions might cause physical and emotional difficulties to overcome, and may have a direct effect on your libido (for example diabetes, heart disease, thyroid problems, surgery or a cancer diagnosis). Or you might find that you just aren’t as mobile as you used to be. Speak to your partner about how you feel, and think about ways that you can help one another.

Perhaps trying different positions, taking painkillers before sex, using pillows to make things more comfortable or experimenting with techniques other than penetration could help.

It’s important to remember that loss of libido is common, and in certain circumstances can be completely normal. If you find your low libido distressing, persistent, or having an impact on your relationship, it’s a good idea to get help. Some good sources of help are:

•Your GP might be able to help if there is an underlying physical issue or health problem. You might find talking to your GP about sex embarrassing. We don’t mind, we’re used to dealing with problems like this. Honestly. •A psychosexual therapist. Your GP might be able to refer you, but it’s not available on the NHS in all areas. You can also find one privately; look for one who is a member of the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists or the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine. •A sexual health service or GUM clinic •Relationship counselling www.relate.org.uk •Sexual advice association www.sexualadviceassociation.co.uk

Mama LifeFact!

Sequins are a big must this Christmas New Years Eve 2020

Style tip:

In the daytime wear a comfy ankle boot and at night switch to a high court shoe to dress up the outfit.

How to manage BOREDOM during Covid-19

BY SHEILA MCMAHON

As the pandemic carries on, it’s no surprise that a lot of people are feeling deflated. Some people are lacking excitement and energy. Some are feeling like they just can’t be bothered. Others are feeling dreary, bored and fed up. Add these feelings to external factors such as the weather getting colder and the nights getting darker, and it creates a massive cocktail for mental health issues.

When the first lockdown happened, there was a sense of let’s make the most of it – let’s do up the house and spend quality time with our family. For some it was like a respite from their work and a chance to get things done. I don’t think most of us expected to be heading into restrictions again and a second wave.

COVID RAGE

I heard Covid rage being mentioned the other day. Scenarios of people being less tolerant and blaming others. This reminds me of the stages of grief, of which anger is one of the stages. We are all experiencing loss, so it is understandable that so many of us are feeling angry. It is important we allow that anger to surface, but in a healthy way. It is unhealthy to take anger out on each other. In my private practice, I use what I call an anger cushion to express anger. Ironically, it’s part of my sofa – and my partner gets angry when it goes missing … if only he had the anger cushion to take it out on! Joking aside, I have seen time and time again how bottled up anger can turn into depression and suicidal thoughts. It reminds me of the saying, ‘Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm’.

THE NEW NOW

So here we are. The more we fight it the more it impacts our own mental health. Yes, for most people it’s a rubbish situation, and it is so important to acknowledge this. It’s also important to know that we will feel fed up and down from day to day. Some days we might not have the energy to do anything, as some people may be so affected by the situation that it causes episodes of depression. If this is you, then I encourage you to show compassion for yourself and know that it will pass. If the

depression is prolonged then I really encourage you to talk to someone you trust, such as your doctor and seek professional support through this time. So many of us are finding it difficult to make sense of everything that’s happening and are struggling to find hope. Most of us are on an emotional roller coaster, riding through the five stages of grief. If you want to learn more about this then have a look at my free online show, a coronavirus special on my YouTube channel.

ACCEPTANCE

One of the stages of grief is acceptance. The more we accept this situation, it allows room for something else, such as creativity. By accepting the situation, we also allow connection and the realisation that we are all going through difficult times, and we need each other now more than ever.

FOCUS

We can change our focus. We can acknowledge that we are in this situation and think about how we can make the most of it.

One of the reasons contributing to our boredom is we’re lacking our usual conversations. Many of us have not been out doing our usual activities that give us things to talk about! Luckily, we don’t have to go ‘out-out’ to

have experiences to talk about. We can have ‘out-ins’, as one of the attendees on my recent online show called it.

I took my Mental Health Show on Anxiety online as I couldn’t perform it in theatre because of the pandemic, and was delighted by how successful it was. During the show, we laughed and we learned. I used the chat function on Zoom to engage people as part of the learning. I encouraged body language like thumbsup and thumbs-down to answer questions, and used waves as claps. We had a great sing-song and a great dance! Afterwards, one of the attendees said, “I never thought about using Zoom for entertainment, not just for meetings!”

For me, my shows give me a purpose. They give me that feeling of achievement and feeling that I am making a difference.

Working as a counsellor, I have real concerns about the increase of suicidal thoughts and intent. As a result I am planning a new Mental Health Show 8 on ‘Understanding Suicide’. This will give us the opportunity to come together, educate ourselves about suicide and help each other from a preventative point of view. If you want to know more about my upcoming shows, then visit my website www.mindmanagementforyou.com

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS

There are so many ways you can make a difference and combat boredom at this time. Near where I live, a 10-year-old put up a lovely letter by a canal bridge encouraging others not to throw litter in the canal to protect nature. My neighbour makes great cakes, and sometimes, when I’ve had a tough day counselling, I hear her come out and then I see a plate of chocolate buns has been passed over the fence! What a difference that makes to my day – and my partner’s too!

Earlier on this year we had the 8 o’clock clap for the NHS every Thursday night. For a lot of people, not only were we acknowledging the amazing NHS, we were also combatting loneliness and building communities. Some people have continued this by arranging a time every week for each family to sit outside their house and talk, to find out how everyone is doing. This is a great initiative in helping each other in whatever ways we can, connecting and combatting boredom at the same time.

VARIETY

When it comes to boredom, I encourage you to be creative and think about what you can do. I encourage you to add variety. So, for example, if cooking has got you through these hard times then challenge yourself to cook something outside your comfort zone.

Getting out of our comfort zones and challenging ourselves creatively is good for us.

The internet is full of things we can do – different games, hobbies, learning new skills. Ask others what they have done to combat boredom. I bet together we could come up with loads of ways to help each other stay busy.

HAVE A GOAL

A goal gives us a sense of purpose and gives us something to focus on. It doesn’t matter how big or small the goal is, as long as it gives us something to work towards and provides a welcome distraction from coronavirus.

WE WILL CARRY ON

Remember a beautiful day during a pandemic is still a beautiful day. Regardless of what happens, we can still continue on. For me, it’s not about what’s happening, it’s about what we can do about it. I can continue to do regular exercise, getting myself out into nature for walks or exercising indoors. I can still have fun and have a laugh with my family and friends. So, for example, the other day, whilst speaking to my mum I could hear my dad in the background saying, “I’m on my way out!”, to which I cheekily replied, “Ask Dad has he signed the papers!”. We all had a good laugh! Growing up, there would be the obituaries column in the newspaper, and I would hear people say, “When I wake up, I look at the death notices, and if I’m not there – I get up!”

As mentioned earlier, it is unhealthy to take anger out on each other. Now more than ever we need to continue to support and work together. I honestly believe that our best support can come from each other. In years to come there will be amazing stories of how we united together, adapted and used our creativity.

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Top Board Games

Our top boredom busters, hours of fun and lots of laughs.