Mama Life Magazine - Wedding Special Spring 2020

5 Things couples argue about most

By Wendy Capewell

Money

This can be around spending habits, contributions to the household or because one controls all the finances and questions their partner about their spending. Or it could be because there is secrecy and one has run up huge debts without the other’s knowledge. Arguments and resentments crop up because one earns more and contributes more.

does it. Many couples have differing views on what is clean and tidy. Deciding on a way to share chores is the best way forward, and it’s important that you keep your side of the bargain. Complaining they haven’t done their chores within your time frame is counter-productive and will probably lead to more arguments and you being left to do it all.

Even if you don’t have a head for figures it is so important you have an understanding of your finances. If the financial wizard gets sick you may need to take over. I am amazed when couples tell me they don’t have a budget worked out and have no idea where their money goes, and that their money doesn’t stretch each month. I have had a budget since I was 16, and know my monthly outgoings. If you don’t it’s time to sit down and decide on a workable agreement between you.

Household chores

If you are like me and dislike housework, it’s a pain, but unfortunately, we don’t all have a housework fairy who magically

Rather than ‘I need help’ which leaves the other confused as what to do or replying ‘you should know!’ aren’t helpful. They aren’t specific enough, and they can’t read your mind (which is fortunate at times as I’m sure you would agree).

Reminders can quickly turn into and be perceived as nagging, and complaints that it’s not been done ‘properly’ will lead to animosity leaving you to do it all. Show them or ignore it.

Thank them – I know you don’t get thanked for everything you do, but you want help, support, and harmony – right? You are more likely to get the help you need by showing appreciation.

Kids and Parenting

Because you were likely to be parented differently from your partner, when you become a parent you are likely to have different views on parenting. So having a parenting agreement helps reduce friction. Otherwise, kids feel confused - and can play each parent against the other to get their way. This can be really damaging to the relationship with your partner. I have seen it so many times where mum says no, and they immediately go to dad, who says yes, without checking to see what their partner had said. It leaves a sense of being undermined which in turn leads to arguments and resentment.

Teenagers can be especially challenging. It’s not entirely their fault, as their body is going through a lot of change. Their brain is undergoing major changes. If you want to learn more, Google ‘Neural Pruning’. Some of the brain connections undergo pruning that it doesn’t consider useful. A bit like having your house rewired and deciding which sockets you need. Also, the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s remote control which weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions doesn’t fully develop until mid 20s. At this time they are likely to have outbursts of anger and be completely unreasonable.

I’m not suggesting you ignore boundaries, but this knowledge may make sense to you – their suffering parents. It’s the reason their room appears that burglars have ransacked it or even why they fail to shower regularly and smell like the inside of a rubbish bin. It’s not a priority to them, even though you have told them many times.

That’s where regular family meetings are helpful. Where each person can air their views and things like sharing of chores, curfews, family events can be discussed. I always suggest the parents talk together first, to agree a united front and avoid slammed doors and more arguments!

Kids need to witness what a good healthy relationship looks like, and they learn that from you.

Let me tell you about James and Louise (not their real names). James found out that their teenager had a piercing. He was really upset, as he hadn’t been consulted, and as their dad he felt it important. He felt excluded and hurt as a result he retreated into his man cave for several days, not talking to any of the family. Louise said there had been an atmosphere, which had affected the whole family with them all walking on eggshells until James came round.

I asked James if he felt it fair to punish the whole family in that way. It wasn’t just a lightbulb moment, it was more like Blackpool Illuminations! It hadn’t occurred to him the impact he had on others, as he was so wrapped up in his own hurt feelings. I suggested he talk to the kids and explain this to them, so they had an understanding of the way he dealt with hurt and upset, and hopefully, in the future, he would be able to deal with his feelings in a better way.

Youngsters can not only be affected by parents’ behaviour, but they may see this as normal and mimic it.

Extended Family

I am probably going to ruffle some feathers with my next statement, but it’s not going to stop me.

Once you enter into a committed relationship with a partner, that relationship is the most important and comes before all other relationships. Whether it be your parents and other family members or friends. They need to take a back seat.

That also includes your children; you produced them together in love and you need to parent them together, modelling what a healthy relationship is for them. One day they will fly the nest and you will be left on your own with the remnants of a relationship if you have neglected it.

I am not suggesting you don’t have a relationship with your family as of course they are important, but I see many situations where the umbilical cord hasn’t been cut between parents and their adult offspring. This leads to the incoming partner being controlled by them, causing resentments and ongoing arguments that can last for decades.

Your loyalty is with your partner, you are a team and a partnership.

Physical intimacy and Sex

I wrote about different sex drives in the July 2019 issue, so I won’t go into that here. If you are experiencing problems, and drifting apart, take time out to talk about it. Listen to each other, and together work out a way forward. Outward signs of affection are really important a happy relationship. One of you may want physical contact more than the other. Caring about that special person in your life sometimes means thinking about their needs and putting aside yours so they feel loved. Being at odds in other areas of your life is likely to result with either one feeling defensive and less likely to want closeness with the other. So you can see the importance of ironing out the other areas of your life for intimacy to occur.

How to resolve arguments without falling out

Arrange a time to talk about the problem where you won’t be disturbed. It can help if it’s in a netral place. Maybe a café where you have to keep calm. Or even on a walk together.

Bring ONE issue that you want to talk about, if you bring more it just gets complicated and nothing gets resolved. Speak calmly and don’t play the blame game as you will have lost the argument before starting.

Let your partner know that you want their help to resolve the issue together, that you value them and their opinions Ask your partner to allow you to put forward your case without interruption and then listen to them without interrupting. Acknowledge their concerns rather than jumping in, and beware of the ‘YES BUT’ phrase. If you find yourself using that phrase, the chances are you are probably defending yourself or dismissing your partner’s point of view.

Ask questions if you don’t understand. Look beneath what is being said, because underneath what seems like niggles could be something deeper. For example – ‘You don’t help around the house’ could mean ‘I feel taken for granted’. Be prepared to negotiate, rather than seek to get all your own way. Litte niggles could be something deeper. For example – ‘You don’t help around the house’ could mean ‘I feel taken for granted’.

Be prepared to negotiate, rather than seek to get all your own way.

Wendy Capewell is a Relationship Specialist, author and podcaster. Website - www.wendycapewell.co.uk Podcast - love-listen-talk-repeat.libsyn.com Email - info@wendycapewell.co.uk

Ageless Beauty

By Rachelle SHAKESPERE

Remove your makeup

Removing your makeup every night should be the normal thing to do. You don’t want blocked pores and spots appearing for being lazy. Simple kind to skin hydrating cleansing oil Superdrug.com £3.45

Use gentle exfoliators

Don’t exfoliate with harsh gritty exfoliators you will make your skin red and very sore. Try a gentle exfoliating toner to remove dead skin cells.

Clarins Gentle Exfoliator – brightening toner Clarins.com £26

Top Tip – Use before makeup to give you a smooth canvas

Hydrate your skin even if your oily

Top Tip – Don’t use wipes ladies. I know its easy but your pushing your makeup into your pores and dragging your delicate skin.

Whatever your skin type, your skin still needs a drink. Using a gel moisturiser can leave any skin type hydrated and light weight without feeling oily.

Clinique moisture surge 72 hour gel Clinique.co.uk £35

Top Tip – If your skin is thirsty it will drink your foundation, so by applying a hydrating moisturiser first it will not only hydrate and give you a healthy complexion but also help your makeup stay on longer.

Use regular masks

Make sure your taking time out at least once a week to put a mask on. Use a mask to target your skin concerns.

111 Skin Rose gold brightening facial treatment mask Selfridges.com £20

Protect your skin

Your skin faces daily weather conditions, so remember to protect yourself against pollution, cold weather and sun damage.

Oskia Citylife Facial Mist Spacenk.com £44

Top Tip – Be aware that SPF can alter the colour of your foundation.

Don’t forget your lips

A very common problem I always have to tackle as a makeup artist is dry lips. Summer or winter I hear “it must be the weather” If you exfoliate them and hydrate them your lips will be perfectly kissable.

Terry baume de rose lip scrub Byterry.com £26

Top Tip – Always carry a lip balm.

Top Tip – Sheet masks are fab on the morning of a special event before your makeup, this is a great treat for your skin.

Getting married abroad?

◆To add warmth to your foundation.

1. Giorgio Armani – Fluid Sheer No 3 Selfridges.co.uk £42

2. Lancome – Hypnose Waterproof mascara Johnlewis.com £22.95

◆Not just tear proof but smudge proof in the heat.

3. Estee Laude – Double Wear foundation Esteelaude.co.uk £34

◆This product will not move an inch.

4. Benefit primer – The Porefessional Boots.co.uk £29

◆Smooths pores so foundation appears flawless.

5. Chanel – Bronze Universal Chanel.com £40

◆A cream texture bronzer leaving a none dry finish.

Sheer eyes Nars Velvet shadow stick (Goddess) Narscosmetics.co.uk £22

No eyeliner M&S Autograph lasting eye shadow quad (Mocha mix) Marksandspenser.com £10

Bridal trends 2020

Fluffy brows Maybeline brow drama sculpting mascara Boots.com £5.99

Flawless Base P. Louise base Plouise.co.uk £10

Highlight cheek bones Laura Mercier face illuminator (Addiction) Cultbeauty.com £34.50

Red lips Mac creamsheen lipstick (Brave red) Maccosmetics.co.uk £17.50

How Real Are You?

By SUSAN LEIGH

How many of us actually walk the walk? We may talk

the talk, and some circumstances do require us to present ourselves in a particular way. In order to feel confident and step effectively into the role of boss/teacher/colleague we may adopt a specific persona which allows us to deliver what’s required and do it well.

But what’s behind the public face, how real are you? When we take on a role, adopt a set of values or code of conduct the underlying question could well be, are we living what we advocate or is behind the scenes a very different story?

Yes, many of us have several versions of ourselves that are revealed in the different areas of our lives. When we’re with colleagues, friends, lovers, family, children, pets we will slip into either a comfortable, familiar role or one that helps us cope best with the situation. Hopefully we’ll still retain our core, fundamental authenticity. We may present as tough in business, more fun and relaxed in domestic or social situations, but our true values and integrity hopefully stay central to us so that we’re genuine in those relationships and interactions.

Let’s look at what being real entails

Feeling that we need to say one thing whilst living another may be a factor in surviving in a fast-paced, acquisitive society. It’s perhaps tempting to be caught up in a spiral of wanting more, striving to live the dream, seeing success as having a lifestyle of fabulous cars, holidays and homes, but it’s stressful to maintain and often doesn’t deliver the satisfaction of the original promise. Plus, if something happens to change our health, finances, domestic situation -- the whole infrastructure can come toppling down.

Maintaining a positive outlook is much feted and often portrayed as being a ‘want it, visualise it, get it’ approach that focuses on seeing beyond any setbacks, rather than being demotivated by them. However, being real also means acknowledging if things are tough or not working and keeping a realistic, balanced view of life. Sometimes we may need to adapt, revise or change our goals, perhaps even park them for a while. But the experience is still valid, valuable and can teach us a lot. Congratulate yourself for having had a go.

Celebrating each mini-success along the way. Pausing to reflect and be grateful for what we have can keep us real. Being alive, having food, a roof over our heads, access to education, friends and diverse options can help us feel balanced, self-contained and upbeat.

Self-deprecation can be an attractive part of being real. Retaining a sense of humour, being prepared to laugh at yourself if warranted, can keep your feet on the ground and stop you taking yourself too seriously or being in danger of believing your own publicity! That way you’re more likely to be receptive to others, to their offers of help, prepared to acknowledge if you need to learn new skills or make some compromises and adjustments to your original plans.

Sometimes adopting a mask or persona is called Imposter Syndrome, where we camouflage our real self in order to cover up how low or unsure we’re feeling, and are afraid of being ‘found out’. This may help us keep going and even aid recovery. But being real also means admitting that there are issues, stresses or even depression lurking underneath. Hoping that they’ll fade away, resolve themselves or that we’ll continue to keep going ‘for now’ isn’t always the answer and sometimes requires that we share our struggles and become receptive to help and support.

Pretending everything’s fine indefinitely is often a recipe for illhealth, stress and burnout. How long can we maintain a facade before it becomes overwhelming? Often, when we admit that we’re struggling other people are willing to respond to our plight and are keen to help. Those closest to us have usually noticed our non-verbal signals of tension, irritability, stress, overwhelm. Being real is not about being weak, but allows us to be authentic, rather than pretend to be superman or woman.

Being real includes facing issues and not hiding from bad news or problems. We need to have some awareness of the bigger picture and not bury our head in the sand. Yes, politics might be confusing, crime and abuse is regularly reported, setbacks happen. We may block them from our feed, but they’re still out there. Having greater awareness brings compassion, sensitivity and empathy into our lives, it allows us to remain real, grounded, with gratitude for what we do have, so keeping a balanced outlook on life.

Allow yourself exciting goals, but maybe pace them in order to enjoy the journey and have time for other areas of life,

Susan Leigh, counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support. She’s author of 3 books, ‘Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact’, ‘101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday’ and ‘Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain’, all on Amazon. To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit www.lifestyletherapy.net

Hello Spring

By EMMA RUSSELL

Utility takes on a retro feel for Spring 2020 with a hint of seventies safari. Look for warm earthy tones and gold detailing. Khaki, cream, stone and tan are your key colourways; don’t be afraid to match your tones head to toe as seen on the Chloe and Fendi runways. Luxe leathers in warm tan or khaki styled with animal print are a 2020 switch-up for the trend.

TAILORING Tailored looks are a Spring staple and 2020 sees the return of the waistcoat. Wear it as a three piece suit or on its own with straight cut or wide leg trousers. Style it with this season’s must-have accessory the slouch clutch or oversized shoulder bag to balance out the structure of the look and keep it modern and fresh.

Style Tip Avoid colour blocking with the utility trend by bringing in accents of colour through pattern such as tortoiseshsell, animal prints or gold chunky chains.

SHORTS

Shorts are the Spring/Summer season’s hottest item. For the brave and bold there are the short short hot pants showcased at Dior and Hermes which looked more like Bridget Jones’ knickers. But for the rest of us let’s stick to the realistic and more sophisticated lengths of the City Short or Bermuda. Offering coverage of those dreaded thigh areas, and frankly a more chic take on the trend, keep them tailored in linens, heavy cottons and white denim. Style with heels to elongate the leg and tailored blazers or waistcoats.

TAILORED LEATHERTailored Leather (or ‘pleather’ depending on your budget) is continuing to have a presence on the high street; opt for black or khaki as these are great base colours to form a capsule wardrobe from. Overshirts and shirt dresses are versatile pieces you can wear throughout the spring. Both can be worn closed as a shirt/ dress or open with a t’shirt and jeans and styled as a jacket.

A white tailored suit is oh so chic, and the hottest Spring trend. Opt for a wide leg trouser version, as this ticks another trend box. Wear the pieces together with a heeled mule and shirt for work, or the wide leg trouser on its own with smart trainers for a more casual look.

Sleep - 7 Steps to a better nights sleep

We all do it, but many of us don’t do it well. A good night’s rest is essential to a healthy existence, protecting you physically and mentally as well as boosting your quality of life. Unfortunately, many of us struggle to fall asleep, have bad dreams, can’t wake up in the morning and then feel constantly tired! Sleep plays a significant role in healing and repairing your heart and blood vessels. It helps us maintain a healthy weight and a good balance of hormones, as well as controlling sugar levels. In terms of mental health, a great night’s sleep makes the brain work properly. It helps us to learn, remember, solve problems and make decisions, as well as safeguarding against stress, mood swings and depression. It’s rather worrying that the majority of people don’t sleep very well!

1) YOUR BEDROOM

If you’re having trouble sleeping, one of the first things to consider is your bedroom. In order to get a restful night’s sleep you need the right setting, which means a clean, peaceful and welcoming room. Many of us are unknowingly sleeping in a bedroom that’s simply not fit for purpose, and that environment could be the key cause of a restless night. •When it’s time for bed, make your room completely dark. This can be achieved with a blackout blind or curtains, an additional window dressing, or even an eye mask. •Maintain an ambient temperature in your room. If you’re too hot or too cold, you won’t sleep soundly. It is recommended a cool temperature of around 16-18° C (60- 65° F) is the perfect temperature. •A tidy room makes for a tidy mind… and a restful night’s sleep! De-clutter your bedroom and create a space that’s clean, neat and simple. •Say no to technology in the bedroom! That means avoiding televisions and computers. Having access to these will urge you to switch on when you can’t drift off, which in turn can lead to even more disturbed sleep. •LED displays are particularly troublesome when it comes to getting a good night’s sleep. When it’s time to snooze, switch off your mobile phone, tablet, and any alarm clocks with a digital display. •Avoid treating your bedroom like an extension of the rest of your house. That means you shouldn’t use it for work, watching TV, eating, and even talking on the phone. Save the bedroom for sleep and sex. •Add special touches to the space, which will help you feel more connected and peaceful. •Avoid using certain colours when decorating. Remember that bright reds, yellows and oranges are jarring, while browns and whites can be boring and drab. Instead, choose soft, muted tones that will make you feel calm. •Certain smells can affect your mood. Lavender and Geranium are naturally calming, so invest in some essential oils to help you drift off. Remember, these should not be used in pregnancy or children’s rooms.

2) YOUR BED

The foundation of a great night’s sleep is a comfortable bed. The right mattress can make a huge difference between a restful and restless night, saving you from fatigue and irritability for the rest of the day. An unsupportive mattress will encourage a poor sleeping posture, which prevents you from a good sleep. If you regularly wake up with aches and pains, it’s probably time to change your mattress. Research shows that sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress can rob you of up to one hour’s sleep per night, which adds up to a full night’s sleep over the course of a week! You should consider changing your bed after seven years.

3) YOUR LIFESTYLE

The 21st-century lifestyle is typically fast-paced, chaotic and jam-packed with technology. From the moment we wake up we switch on our brains with smartphones, and as our day progresses, we’re presented with even more triggers. The continuous content that’s fed from TV and radio, real-time social feeds and our constant checking of emails all make for a non-stop stimulation… It’s no wonder that many of us can’t switch off or fall asleep, then struggle to wake up in the morning and spend a lot of time complaining “I can’t sleep!” •Reduce the intensity of artificial light in your home by using dimmer switches or low wattage bulbs. •Maintain a regular bedtime routine and sleep pattern. •Use a hot water bottle if you get cold. •Avoid drinking alcohol or caffeine before bed. •Switch off your tech a couple of hours before bedtime – that includes your phone! •Empty your bladder before bed, and try not to consume too many liquids before you sleep. •Don’t nap during the day.

4) STRESS & WORRY

Scientists have found a direct correlation between anxiety and rhythm of sleep. When a person is anxious, their heart rate increases, which causes the brain to ‘race’, too. An alert mind produces beta waves, making you far too stimulated to sleep. To make matters worse, an active brain triggers other worries, so it’s even harder to achieve sleep.

Once this pattern sets in, bedtime can become a thing of anxiety. So how can you combat the stress of sleeping? There are several techniques to banish anxiety and calm your heart rate. Cognitive behavioural therapy is one of them, helping people to ‘unlearn’ thought processes through psychological treatment. You can also manage your heart rate by placing your hand on your heart and listen for the beating. Breathe in deeply for four seconds, and then breathe out slowly. Repeat this until you can feel your heart rate slowing, which in turn slows down your busy brain activity. Eliminate your anxious thoughts by practising the speaking technique. This means voicing the thoughts that would otherwise live in your head. Speaking aloud overrides thinking, which stops your negative thoughts in their tracks. Practise by thinking the alphabet in your head, and when you reach ‘J’, start speaking out loud. What happened to the alphabet? Well, you stopped thinking it in your head, because speaking overrode those thoughts. Use this technique when you start worrying in bed:.

5) YOUR DIET

They say you are what you eat, and when it comes to getting a restful night’s sleep, the food and drink you consume has a drastic effect. The best foods for sleep include milk, cherries, chicken and rice, while fatty meat, curry and alcohol are some of the worst. Some people choose not to eat after 6pm, as late meals can make it difficult to sleep. •Avoid stimulants like caffeine and cigarettes. •Avoid sedatives, such as sleeping pills and alcohol, to help you sleep. They have short term benefits and long-term counter effects, such as dependency. •Changing your diet can help you sleep, but it takes time. Start a sleep diary to keep track of your progress, and don’t give up if you see no sudden improvement – sleeping soundly takes practice!

6) EXERCISE

Sports and exercise can help you to enjoy a better quality of sleep. Working out effectively can tire your body out gently, promoting a better night’s sleep. Releasing pent up tension through exercise is also highly beneficial, helping to banish stress before bedtime. Exercising also lowers your body’s temperature, which induces better sleep.

• Yoga is renowned for its relaxation and sleep benefits, while moderate-aerobic exercise like walking has been found to help people fall asleep more quickly.

7) RELAXATION & OTHER THERAPIES

Many of us lead stressful lives. Demanding jobs, long hours and active families, all contribute to a hectic lifestyle, and that’s not helped by the intense media that surrounds us. These elements make it very difficult to wind down, but fortunately, there are a few relaxation techniques that can help promote a deep, restful sleep.

Relax Your Body This method is best done in bed, though it can also be practiced throughout the day if you’re in the right environment. By relaxing separate groups of muscles, you become more aware of your body and able to wind down mindfully.

1. Tense a muscle, for example your bicep, by contracting for 7-10 seconds. Flex it gently – do not strain. 2. At the same time, visualise the muscle being tensed, consciously feeling the build-up of tension. 3. Release the muscle abruptly and then relax, allowing the body to go limp. Take a few moments before moving on to the next muscle. 4. Remember to keep the rest of your body relaxed whilst working on a particular muscle.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) CBT is commonly prescribed for depression, but clinical trials have shown it is the most effective long-term solution for insomniacs. CBT helps you identify the negative attitudes and beliefs that hinder your sleep, then replaces them with positive thoughts, effectively ‘unlearning’ the negative beliefs.

A typical exercise is to set aside 30 minutes per day, in which you do your day’s worth of worrying. During this worry period you keep a diary of your worries and anxious thoughts, writing them down in order to reduce the weight in your mind. Once this task is complete, you are banned from worrying at any other point in the day.

Before you go to sleep, you can also write down the worries that you think may keep you awake. Once you are in bed with your eyes closed, you should imagine those thoughts floating away, leaving your mind free, peaceful, and ready to sleep.

The Sleep Council Seven Steps To A Better Night’s Sleep Stimulus Control – The 20 Minute Rule

We should all go to bed when we’re tired, but if you’re not asleep after twenty minutes, it’s recommended that you get up and find another activity to do. This should be quiet and peaceful, and not involve your phone or other digital displays. Listening to music, reading or doing yoga are all recommended as great 20 Minute Rule activities.

When you feel sleepy again, you should return to bed. The idea of this method is to build a strong association between bed and sleeping, and eventually you’ll be able to fall asleep quickly.

Sleep Restriction

This technique involves only spending the amount of time in bed that equates to the average number of hours that you sleep. For example, you might only get five hours of sleep per night, even though you spend seven hours in bed. By using the Sleep Restriction method, you limit yourself to only five hours in bed per night.

This technique might make you more tired at first, but it can help you fall asleep faster and wake up fewer times. However, it’s not suitable if you’re only getting a couple of hours sleep per night, and should be supervised by a qualified CBT Sleep Practitioner.

Resource : www.sleepcouncil.org.uk

Trauma and its many guises, would you recognise it?

By SUE FREND

Trauma, like many words means different things to different people. We have a tendency to see atrocities across the world and label these incidents as ‘real trauma’.

Front line staff, from soldiers to emergency medics are immersed in traumatic environments. But so are many of us, in our own homes, living our day-to-day lives. How are we affected?

We refer to ‘big T’ trauma as a BIG event, an accident, attack or similar situation that was forced upon us and we endured.

However, ‘little t’ traumas refer to our ongoing challenges. Situations we find ourselves in and we feel powerless to do anything about them. Our bodies register them all and we live our lives from this personal stored history. ‘The body keeps the score’ is the title of a brilliant book, by Bessel van der Kolke a renowned psychotherapist, which explores this in greater detail.

Let’s talk about our nervous system. Our fantastic bodies are hard at work, day and night trying to keep everything in balance. We sense our environment even before we have consciously recognised and ‘made sense’ of things. Our environment is not only our physical space, it also refers to our internal world, our thoughts, feelings and emotions. All this combined gives us what is known as our ‘felt sense’ this is interoception. Some of us are more aware of our internal world than others but we all are functioning from this place.

What is our internal world signalling to us? We are back to that stored history we spoke of earlier; it all starts in our formative years. As babies and very young children we are 100% reliant on our caregivers for our survival. We are bathed in the nervous system signals from those around us which includes the verbal and non-verbal communication, through facial expressions, tone of voice and touch. As babies we do not yet have the thinking skills to reason anything, we are totally reliant on how we feel.

Whether we are uncomfortable, wet, hungry, thirsty or scared we communicate by crying. How we are responded to soothes us or not, unmet needs are traumatic to an infant. Sometimes babies just give up crying, not because their needs have been met, but because their efforts have not been met with the required response to sooth them. I would argue that it is virtually impossible to meet our children’s needs 100% of the time. Parents are often overtired and emotionally drained, we are sharing with our babies and others how we feel all the time. Also, we can never really know what another person’s needs are, so it is all trial and error. You hopefully will be relieved to know that it is said 30% of getting it right helps to secure attachment with our children, phew!

This attachment or bonding refers to the connection, the relationship, and that is obviously not all under your control! A relationship is more than one person. It is not all about you and what you ‘do’ with your children or your intentions. They will each have their own perception of what your actions mean. This is why we can have several children from the same parents, brought up in the same environment physically and they each have a different view of their parents. Our experience is unique to us.

Our experience is based on our internal environment, those thoughts feelings and emotions we talked of are responsible for the meanings we make.

Our history is embodied but unconscious to us. We can feel uncomfortable as our body reminds us of past events, but not necessarily the full details will come flooding back. They may, or we may have more subtle clues to something feeling like a threat or off-kilter. We might not know why we feel this way, but our body is sharing with us the unresolved stories that we carry. It is trying to keep us safe.

We are a walking recorded history of our past

When we are in conflict with another person, we are touching each other’s ‘wounds’. All our relationships are here as our teachers. My children have been and still are my teachers. Not always because of what they say and do, which can be profound, but because of how the communication makes me feel. How we feel and how we address that is what can move us a greater sense of wellbeing, one that impacts us mentally and emotionally. We can become better at responding rather than reacting.

This is not to say that when people do and say bad things we have to accept them. It is to say that we can take control of how we react to those communications. What are the feelings trying to tell us?

Don’t shoot the messenger

My own childhood was ‘normal’, whatever that means. I had no reason to go looking for any childhood challenges ‘traumas’. I stumbled upon my body’s hidden truth along the way. I now recognise that our unconscious history is the driver of our personality which includes beliefs and values. That is what our day-to-day life teaches us if we are watching and listening. I believe we don’t have to go digging for it. Life shows us what we need to deal with through our feelings.

Unresolved stress, tension and anxiety build over time. The foundations were set in our childhood, but our lives build upon these foundations. As our responsibilities grow, we move into the world of work and families and we are dragging our history with us. The load gets heavy over time.

So, what are we to do?

First and foremost, bring compassion for yourself and others. No one has gone through childhood unscathed. You may witness how others are and judge, but you have no real idea of their internal world. Whilst this sounds simple it is not always easy.

The more compassion you can connect to, the more you are healing wounds, both yours and others. We are all connected energetically, what you give out you also receive. If that is too ‘woo-woo’ then test it for yourself. Think of someone you love and care for, really remember the good times. How do you feel? You have just fired up all the chemicals that create love, joy, compassion... whatever it was for you. The opposite is also true. Think of someone who annoys you. You’re justified in your judgement because of the way you feel. Again, those chemicals are created and living within you. You get to choose which chemicals you want swimming around your body. When you fester in your hurt you are the one being continually damaged. When you choose compassion you acknowledge the hurt, you are not denying the pain, but compassion can dissolve it.

It is not necessary or even recommended to connect with the people involved and drag things up again. Work on yourself because that is the only place you can create change.

Whilst we can consciously choose to work on ourselves as ‘stuff’ comes up, what happens to that history in your body?

How can you work on your unconscious story?

I would like to introduce you to an excellent way to readjust your nervous system and bring yourself back to balance whilst releasing trauma. TRE which stands for Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises. Created by the world-renowned Trauma and Conflict resolution specialist David Bercelli.

He works in war torn countries with soldiers and survivors of ‘big T’ trauma. The process he created is easily learned and supports us to unpack the stored history from our body without the need to go looking for it. As mentioned in ‘The body keeps the score’, the ‘little t’ traumas are all under the conscious radar anyway.

A word about abusive relationships and that level of trauma. Although we are learning through relationships all the time we are not meant to suffer! Being around abusive relationships is toxic and toxic environments do not support anyone. I have heard it said that we will not let others treat us any worse than we believe, on some level, we deserve. That says a lot about self-worth and again brings us back to whether we feel loved and valued for who we are. We are again back at being parented and what that meant to us.

Check TRE out and find a provider near you through the website www.traumaprevention.com . As a certified provider I can be found working from The Bridge Natural Health Centre near Derby 01332 521270 or contact me directly on 07971 536872 Your body will thank you for it

Sue Frend is a certified mBIT Trainer and Master Coach with over 30 years in the personal development field. Her mission is to help people understand their inner critics and give them tools to find balance and improve mental and emotional wellbeing. She believes this should be part of our education. Prevention is better than the cure.

LUKE BAKER’S KITCHEN

Hey, Luke here, face behind Luke Bakers Kitchen here to bring you all a dose of inspiration and playfulness back into our kitchens with sexy healthy food. 2020 is well underway and here’s hoping you have a year of health, joy and success.

The recipes I will be sharing will focus on clean, seasonal produce which are quick and simple to do yet deliver in visual stimulation and taste. My food and ethos with heathy living is not sacrificing the food we enjoy but more focussing on a lifestyle commitment all year round and understanding healthy eating as enjoyable and something we can incorporate all year round. Let’s start the year with a BANG and commit to a healthier, sexier, and more fulfilling YOU. I have focussed this issue on a variety of some of my favourite dishes that can do at home and also included a few of my gourmet raw plant-based dishes that I have put together whilst recently doing my raw plant-based chef course alongside some highly established alchemy chefs and wellbeing leaders. I hope you enjoy the recipes I have put together.

Homemade Breakfast Granola

INGREDIENTS

50g pumpkin seed 50g sunflower seed 50g pecans, chopped 45g almond flakes 30g coconut flakes 25g cacao nibs 20g cacao powder / 100% cocoa

½ tbsp ground cinnamon ½ tbsp maca powder (optional) 30g coconut sugar 80g maple 1 tbsp vanilla extract 3 tbsp orange juice ½ tbsp orange zest

METHOD

•Simply using a large bowl fold everything together. •Pre-heat your oven / fan oven to 130 C. •Bake for 30 minutes.

Mango Turmeric Chia Parfait

INGREDIENTS

¾ cup coconut milk ¼ cup coconut yogurt 3 tbsp chia seeds 1-1.5 cups chopped mango 1 tbsp maple or agave

Method

•Make the chia seed mixture using your chia seeds, vanilla extract, maple and plant based milk – leave to set in the fridge. •Combine fresh mango chunks, ground turmeric and maple. I also like to use a little root ginger or ground ginger and whizz in a blender to form a anti-inflammatory boost of mango, ginger and turmeric. •Top with the compote and serve with some coconut sprinkles (desiccated).

Kaffir Lime Sorbet

INGREDIENTS

12 kaffir lime leaves 3 ½ cups coconut water 3/4 – 1 cup agave nectar Juice & zest of a lime Star anise (for infusing)

METHOD

•Blend all the ingredients together until smooth, strain it through a chinois, transfer it into a container and let it set in the freezer. •Every hour, take your sorbet out of the freezer and blend again using a hand blender •Repeat this process at least three times.

To make the leaf Take your leaves of choice,

For the chocolate leaf A couple of mint leaves or kaffir leaves Small portion of white chocolate melted (vegan or non-vegan)

some tempered chocolate and a brush to paint your leaves. •Paint your leaves using a nice consistency. •Lay on parchment paper and place in the freezer to set •Once set, you should be able to gently peel off the leaves so the lovely imprint of the leaf is exposed. •Decorate on top of your sorbet & finish with some fresh mint of lime zest.

Curried Cauliflower with Minted Raita

INGREDIENTS

FOR THE SAUCE 200ml coconut yoghurt 2 tbsp chopped coriander 2 tbsp thinly sliced spring onions 1 tbsp lime juice ½ tsp lime zest ¼ tsp sea salt

Method

CURRIED CAULI 400g Cauliflower florets 1 ½ tsp melted coconut oil 400g chickpeas, drained and rinsed 1 ½ tbsp curry powder Pinch of salt Pinch black pepper 1 tbsp lemon juice 100g cherry tomatoes, halved 1 large shallot, diced

•Combine all the yoghurt ingredients together for the sauce and place in the fridge. •Pre-heat your oven to 200 C. •Combine the cauliflower, shallot, chickpeas and tomatoes. •Drizzle the coconut oil over the top of the veggies and coat with the spices and mix. •Fold everything together and evenly coat. •Place in the foil baskets and cook for 7 minutes. •Serve with the coconut yoghurt raita.

INGREDIENTS

250g kale, de-stalk, wash and dry before using 1 tsp onion powder 1 tbsp nutritional yeast 1 tbsp olive oil

For you cheese & onion sauce ½ cup sun flower seeds

Kale Chips

¾ cup water ¼ cup apple cider vinegar (ACV) ½ cup nutritional yeast 75g shallot (chopped fine) 3 tbsp olive oil 1 tbsp onion powder -½ tsp turmeric 1 tsp salt

METHOD

•Start by blending the sunflower seeds with all the liquids until smooth. Then add the remaining ingredients and blend again until smooth. •Mix kale with onion powder, nutritional yeast and olive oil and then add the sauce. •Drizzle over the kale lightly & transfer to baking sheets and bake for 15 minutes. •Lightly toss / stir the kale to ensure even baking. Bake for a further 10 minutes

Cannelloni Rolls with walnut stuffing

INGREDIENTS

1 yellow courgette 1 green courgette Drizzle of olive oil Pinch of salt & pepper For the stuffing 200g walnuts 50g oyster mushrooms 40g parsnip 60g olives (pitted) 2 tbsp chopped shallot 2 tbsp parsley

METHOD

•Thinly slice the courgettes lengthwise. Marinate with olive oil, salt and black pepper •Add the stuffing ingredients to a high-speed blender and mix well. •To make the cheesy sauce simply blend all the ingredients in the blender until smooth. •Lay down the courgette

30g nutritional yeast 2 tbsp soy sauce or tamari (wheat free option) Pinch of salt

For the cheesy sauce (OPTIONAL) 1 cup pine nuts ½ cup water ½ cup nutritional yeast 1 tsp turmeric powder Pinch of salt

slices on a piece of cling film, one slice overlaying another by about a third of the surface. •Place about a heaped tablespoon of stuffing on the courgette and roll slowly until you get a solid roll. Wrap with cling film and keep in the fridge. •Serve with a drizzle of the cheesy sauce & a side of greens (optional).

Weddings “It’s not just another dress. It’s the dress that you’ll remember for forever”

Mother of the Bride

BY SALLY MANSELL

This season, blue is one of the biggest fashion colours, so I have chosen pretty pastels through to Midnight blue.

If you haven’t tried on a dress by Goat, go online & find a local stockist, it’s a fantastic brand, very sophisticated styles, beautiful colours & prints, I have added sexy strappy heels from Reiss, contemporary earrings & a bag to die for by L’IALINGI from Selfridges.

I have been lucky enough to work with both Milliners I have featured, Sally & Gemma are fabulous girls, full of inspiration & glamorous ideas to complete your outfit, visit their websites for more amazing styles.

Have fun browsing for your wedding outfit, make sure you feel confident & comfortable in your choice, buy fabulous accessories & support your local boutiques as they often have one off pieces that no one else will be wearing, Happy Shopping! Sally x www.shecanstyle.co.uk