A MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER

My name is Iris and sadly, I am a Motherless Daughter.

I was in initially in care until the age of six and then fostered by my adoptive mum and dad at age 11. I lost my adoptive mum when I was 19, sadly due to cancer that had returned and Metastasised. I was incredibly lonely during this time, and I longed for a community who understood the gravity of this loss and others who I could vent to and discuss this new way of life with. It really is something you can only relate to once having experienced it yourself.

Being adopted adds another layer of grief. On one hand, you’re grateful for an opportunity to be out of the care system, but you are also starting life grieving a childhood that you were robbed of. I had great foster parents, but it's just not the same. Then as you go through life, you realise that others have the ‘normal’ things that you’re so desperately missing and longing for. When you lose you mum your idea of these ‘normal’ things are shattered into a billion pieces and every milestone you longed for now comes with enormous heartache. These milestones are also accompanied with people’s well meaning, but missing the mark comments such has, "But I'm here", and it is true, they are, but no one will ever prioritise you like your mum would have.

As I sit and write this, I am also grappling with another of life’s milestones. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant and have found this journey to be a long and hard one so far. Whilst I have a supportive and great partner, and a beautiful golden retriever, Evie, there is nothing that can replace the need I have, for my mum to be here with me. I moved to Australia only a few years after Mum passed and have no immediate family here.

Being pregnant has been particularly difficult without family here, in Australia. I’ve had a very rough pregnancy with hyperemesis and a large bleed. My partner was also away up until I was about 21 weeks. It has so far been one of the most isolating experiences with being so unwell and not having any family here, especially my mum. I’ve also been planning my baby shower, which is hard in itself as I hear about so many mums organising their daughter’s events. For this reason, we have decided to do a nontraditional baby shower as I just cannot cope with full attention on me and none of my family being able to come. This is just one of the many sad challenges and realities that we, as young motherless daughters, face without our mums.

For me, it’s the little things, such as just spending together. London was our mum and daughter place, and the time we shared together, was there. We had planned to visit London in the summer that my mum died. I really do miss our weekends away and just having someone to talk to and confide in with unconditional love and no judgement.

One of the days I struggle with the most, is Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, both England and Australia celebrate this on two different days, so I endure this difficult day twice each year. It hurts my heart when I casually scroll through Facebook and see all the beautiful posts about Mother’s Day and people spending time with their mum. And now that

I no longer have mine, I strongly believe that Mother’s day should be for everyone, whether you have your mum here or not. It has now been three years since I came across the organisation, Motherless Daughters Australia, and I am so grateful for the support that I have gained from being part of the community. The opportunity to talk openly, honestly, and freely without judgement about how awful it is to grow up with mum, is welcomed and accepted. It has helped me to feel seen and heard every single day, by thousands of others who are in the same shoes.

This year, I am supporting them in their mission to make Mother’s Day for everyone, and to celebrate all mothers, including those

Motherless Daughters Australia, and its community, is a group that no one wants to be a part of, but I am so grateful that they are there and continue to support us through a range of initiatives such as their private Facebook Support Group, events and free resources.

Iris Leeson is from Adelaide and is a proud supporter of Motherless Daughters Australia, the leading organisation in Australia for mother loss support, research, and awareness. www.motherlessdaughters.com.au