ReflectIons on chIldhood When we become parents, we often forget what it was like to be the child. I’d go so far as to say that sometimes we act like we skipped childhood altogether, and were born disciplined and correct, without ever experiencing the sense of fun that children possess so naturally. Often the parent we become is based on the experiences we had as a child. If your parents were overly strict and authoritative, you might attempt to make up for what you experienced by being very relaxed, perhaps too relaxed. If your parents lacked boundaries and you were allowed to run free, you may parent in the same manner because you know no other way. This is an interesting concept to reflect on. You might look back at certain times in your childhood and wish your parents had been more like your friends’ parents, or that they had understood you better. Maybe they never let you do anything and so you had to sneak around. Perhaps you wish they’d trusted you more, or were fairer in their actions and decisions. This is the time to think back. This is your chance to understand why your parents were the way they were, and perhaps tweak your own parenting to be a little more considerate of the needs of a tween daughter. This doesn’t mean you should become a pushover and give her everything she wants. That’s not a good approach for anyone. But it can only be a positive move to look closely at the role you play in your relationship with your daughter and ask yourself some difficult questions: • Do I talk down to her sometimes? • Am I overly authoritative? • Am I always giving in to her because I don’t want her to be upset? • Do I need to be right all the time? • Am I an I-told-you-so mum? Reflecting on how you mother can be difficult. It can be hard to admit that you aren’t doing it right, but do you know what’s worse than not 44
getting it right? Never realising that there was a better way. I’d like to let you in on a little secret that I want you to remember: no one gets it right all the time. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. No one really has it all together, not all the time, anyway. The purpose of my book is to help you recognise when you could be doing things a little better. There’s no blame and no guilt, just reflection and learning. There are no qualifications for raising children; we all do the best we can, and when we know better, we can be better.
Looking back at your younger self If you could go back in time to when you were your daughter’s age, what would you say to yourself? As a grown woman, what do you wish your younger self had known? As a young girl, I remember being quite shy in new situations. I also remember feeling forgettable. If I saw someone I knew when I was away from home, I avoided eye contact at all costs. I was never the main girl in my group of friends. I was never the funniest or the prettiest or the one that others were drawn to. When I think back, perhaps that’s where my feelings of not being special or memorable began. I remember feeling a little invisible. I didn’t attend the outside school groups that my friends attended. I didn’t have brothers and sisters. I didn’t feel connected the way those around me appeared to be. I can still recall feeling unseen. I was, however, very lucky. I belonged to a family where I felt very loved, where I felt seen; within my family I knew I was important. Although I didn’t have an unhappy childhood, there were definitely aspects of those early years that I wish I could change. Then again, without the journey I’ve taken, I wouldn’t be who or where I am today. I like to think of myself as an example of ‘grow through what you go through’, one of my favourite sayings of all time.
