Family, friends and breast cancer

How to support a loved one during a breast cancer diagnosis

Having somebody close to you diagnosed with breast cancer can be traumatic and difficult. It can be hard to know what to do or say to help support that person after they have received their diagnosis or when they go through treatment. It is also common to feel overwhelmed when someone close to you has received a diagnosis.

We know from the research literature that the rates of distress for the loved ones of people with cancer are actually just as high, if not higher, than the patients themselves. I’ve often said to my patients when I’m working with them, that I treat cancer as a family illness. It might be housed in one person’s body, but it affects everyone under the roof.

It is important for you to look out for your loved one who is experiencing the illness but also to keep an eye on your own mental health. The metaphor we often use is two people leaning on each other is actually much stronger than each person trying to stand in isolation. So, leaning on each other and de-briefing with each other as you go through is a really great thing to be doing during treatment.

The important thing to note is that you do not go silent. It can be difficult to know what ‘the right thing to say’ is, but the only ‘wrong thing’ to say is to say nothing at all. That is probably the most hurtful thing that people will tell me and it does often come out of that fear of ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing’ that they end up finding that they lose support because people are so fearful of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing and back away.

So, I am sure that most people would agree with me that they would have much preferred people to be coming and approaching them and risking saying the wrong thing that could be gently corrected rather than saying nothing at all and not being present.

If finding the right thing to say is difficult, actions can often speak louder than words.

Some people like to do up lists of practicalities that can be helped, in terms of going and doing grocery shopping or picking up kids from schools or coming in and doing some of the actual housework or people chipping in and paying for a cleaner.

This kind of support was invaluable to Newcastle mum Heidi Routley, who was diagnosed when she was 42. She was encouraged to get mammograms early by a friend who was diagnosed in her early 40s. “I was standing in Coles buying a birthday cake for my mum for dinner that night and my phone rang. It was my surgeon. He rang to tell me that it was breast cancer.” “The first thing I did was I went and sat outside of Coles and I rang my university lecturer because I was just finishing my masters and I had my final assignment due on the Sunday and that was the Wednesday. I rang her straight away and I said I just don’t know how I’m going to get this assignment done and told her what was going on.” “She said ‘it does not matter Heidi. It is a piece of paper. We will get that done. You look after yourself.’”

By Dr Lisa Beatty, clinical psychologist and a member of the Breast Cancer Trials Scientific Advisory Committee. Learn more at www.3coursechallenge.com.au

Feeling overwhelmed by her diagnosis at a time of re-invention in her life, she said she had to swallow her pride and accept the support being offered to her.

“I’ve got my amazing family and friends and they’ve organised a food train, so we’ve got meals coming on chemo weeks so that it’s not so much pressure on my husband to sort dinner out for us. Everyone has come together and have been amazing helping me through it.”

Heidi said her advice is to accept the help and support offered. “It’s really hard to say ‘yes, I need help’, but people want to help you. If people say, ‘what can we do for you,’ they genuinely mean it.”

It is important to know that it is OK to not feel OK when someone close to you has been diagnosed.

Whether it’s your GP, whether it’s a friend, go and speak to someone. Quite often the services that are available to the patient are also available to the loved ones. Breast Cancer Trials is one of the world’s leading breast cancer research organisations, dedicated to finding new and better treatments and prevention strategies for every person affected by breast cancer.

You can help support their life-saving clinical trials by participating in the 3 Course Challenge this August. This challenge invites you to cook a three-course French menu and host a dinner party with a difference, supported virtually by top chef Manu Feildel.