WELCOME TO SEX

Having a crush

When you have a crush on someone, you think about them a LOT and your heart races when they look at you or brush past you. Things seems boring when they’re not there, and you feel sick when you think about them kissing someone else!

Welcome to Sex is a frank, age-appropriate introductory guide to sex and sexuality for teens of all genders, from the creators of the best-selling guides Welcome to Your Period, Welcome to Consent and Welcome to Your Boobs.

This little book is packed with honest advice on everything you need to know about sex: how to know when you're ready and reasons not to have sex, exploring pleasure on your own to becoming sexually intimate with others, contraception and staying safe, how to communicate about sex, wobbly starts and awkward moments (including talking to your parents about sex).

Here's a little sneak peak of how it begins. Feelings, flirting and falling in love...

Sometimes when you’re on the wild rollercoaster ride that is puberty, it’s good to slow down and just feel. Connecting with another person always begins with feeling something. Those feelings can be intensely distracting, crushingly sad or magically happy. They can be Big Feelings or small feelings. From crushes to sexual attraction to falling in love, getting to know your feelings is as important as getting to know your body ... you can’t really separate them.

Attraction

Attraction is a feeling of intense like towards, or interest in, someone else. That feeling might be deep and long-lasting, or it might be shortlived. We can be attracted to people of any gender, and that can change over time.

Crushes are about emotional experiences AND physical ones. It’s A LOT! Having a crush on someone might be your first experience of what romantic infatuation feels like. A lot of us get crushes on someone we’re never likely to meet, like a celebrity or famous athlete. Or it could be someone from real life, but who would never consider us as a partner! We tend to idealise the person we’re crushing on – we consider them to be EXTRA wonderful, amazing, clever and attractive, even when, realistically, no-one is perfect.

Having a crush on someone doesn’t mean you will, or even that you want to, have sex with them. But it’s part of growing up: crushes are like a practice go at love!

Sexual attraction

Sexual attraction, or ‘having the hots’ for someone, is a new experience for many teens. It’s different from a crush (although the two things can overlap) because there are tingly or just plain HOT feelings that are intensely physical. The desire to ‘get physical’ can be much stronger than wanting to just vibe with someone who’s smart, or funny, or kind. Your body reacts when they’re around, and it can feel like heat is emanating from your undies! You might feel like you want to touch or BE touched by the person – often both. Sometimes sexual attraction can be so intense that it overtakes other feelings, such as romance, love or like, or even dislike.

Sexual attraction and feelings

Even when sexual desire is intense, for most people, emotions still play a big part in pleasure and enjoyment. Sure, you might be thinking a LOT about having sex with a particular person, but your brain’s emotional response to the person can change your sexual attraction dramatically. Someone you’ve just shared a deep, soul-shaking laugh with could be the person with whom you have an amazingly pleasurable sexual experience. But if they acted like a jerk, or you’re not getting the same ‘hot’ vibes from them, or you’ve had a mild disagreement with them, it can dampen your desire.

Flirting

Flirting is a playful way of communicating with another person. It’s meant to be fun. It can communicate to the other person that you’re attracted to them, you like them, or you want their attention. It can have a sexual energy, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have sex with the other person, or that you’re even thinking about sex!

Falling and being in love

Falling in love is real. It can happen in your teens or when you’re 100, and it can be a powerful emotional ride! Falling in love triggers the release of a whole bunch of brain chemicals and hormones that can give us energy, make us lose our appetite, sleep less and feel exhilarated. The state of ‘falling in love’ is really energetic, but the brain chemicals involved settle down after somewhere between six months and a couple of years. (Brain scientists and psychologists believe this is because we would probably burn out!)

After that time, if you’re still with the person you fell in love with, you might switch to ‘being in love’, which is less intense. Being in love involves feeling a deep connection or ‘attachment’ to someone – similar to how we feel towards close friends or family members, except that there’s also an element of romance or sexual intimacy.

This is an extract from Welcome to Sex written by Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes. Text copyright © 2023 Dr Melissa Kang & Yumi Stynes. Illustration copyright © 2023 Jenny Latham. Design copyright © 2023 Hardie Grant Children’s Publishing. Published by Hardie Grant Children’s Publishing.