Your Teen for Parents by Map Creative LLC

#VAMPING • SIBLING RIVALRY • PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS

surviVIng this year ’ s

Back to

School Interview with Barnard President Dr. Debora Spar The Future of Money (Hint: Cashless) yourteenmag.com

VOL. 7 Issue 1 September-October 2014 $ 3.95

YS EN ER GY FO R LI FE ’S GR EAT JO UR NE

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CONTENTS

COVER STORY:

26 Back to School

Our guide to surviving (and thriving) this fall

32 Expert Advice: Dr. Madeline Levine, author of Teach Your Children Well

33 Teen Speak: A letter to my parents Up front:

Bulletin Board

12 In a Minute

#Vamping Back-to-school fashion on a budget 15-minute recipe

Laughing at inappropriate times

8 Stats

Do you really want to know?

11 Product Picks Kid-tested and parent-approved

14 In the Spotlight

Interview with Debora Spar, Barnard President

16 Book Review

Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson

20 Perspectives

Military families

DEPARTMENTS:

34 Crossroads

50 Snapshot

37 Ask the Doctor

52 All About Me

Popping pills

Shorts notice

Puberty

39 Tween Talk

When your tween breaks up with you

41 College Corner

3 reasons to consider community and junior college

ON THE COVER Melissa Chi is a sophomore at Laurel School in Shaker Heights, Ohio.

43 Money Matters Goodbye cash, hello technology

cover Photo : BETH SEGAL

41 Hot Topics

I am a survivor

49 Small Stuff Siblings

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

September-October 2014 Volume 7, Issue 1

Publisher & Chief Revenue Officer

Stephanie Silverman PUBLISHER & Editor-In-Chief

Susan R. Borison

EDITORIAL EDITORIAL MANAGER

Diana Simeon Copy Editor

Beth Troy

SAles

Alison Bunch, Lisa Golovan, Shari Silk

CREATIVE CREATIVE Director

Meredith Pangrace Photographer

Beth Segal

WEB CONTENT Web Content EDITOR

Mindy Gallagher SEO ADVISOR

Mike Murray IT Specialist

Hunter Chisolm

CIRCULATION Circulation Specialist

Eca Taylor

THIS ISSUE Contributing writers

Emma Freer, Randye Hoder, Michelle Icard, Callie Mavlik, Rebecca Meiser, Jane Parent, Jordan Sonnenblick, Ross Sonnenblick, Bethany Stricklin, Chris R. Stricklin, Terri Stricklin, Zach Stricklin, Aline Weiller, Andrea Woroch, Samantha Zabell, Julie Zeilinger More content online at yourteenmag.com

A DV I S O RY B OA R D Elise Ellick

Teen Counselor in the Division of Adolescent Medicine, Department of Pediatrics at MetroHealth.

Lauren Rich Fine

Executive Search Consultant at Howard & O’Brien Associates.

Marcia Hales

Business Manager with One Wish, LLC.

Amanda Weiss Kelly, MD

University Hospitals, Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital Pediatrician, Director, Pediatric Sports Medicine.

Julian Peskin, MD Cleveland Clinic staff member, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

Sylvia Rimm, PhD

Psychologist, Director of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Case Western Reserve School of Medicine.

Michael Ritter, CPA

Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP.

Ellen Rome, MD, MPH

Pediatrician, Head, Section of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic.

Chris Seper

Founder, MedCity Media and Publisher, MedCityNews.com.

Amy Speidel

Certified Parent Coach at Senders Parenting Center.

Sonni Kwon Senkfor, MBA

Independent Consultant. Facilitator with The WIT Group and MAC Consulting.

Judy Stenta, MSW

Retired Project Director, SAY, a program of Bellefaire JCB.

Steven Wexberg, MD Staff Pediatrician, Cleveland Clinic Foundation.

Lucene Wisniewski, PhD, FAED Clinical Director and co-founder of the Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders.

Lee Zapis

President of Zapis Capital Group.

facebook.com/YourTeen

@YourTeenMag

Your Teen, Vol 7, Issue 1, September-October 2014 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a quarterly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118. ©2014 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen.

ADVERTISING

Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

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Editor’s Letter It’s been a wonderful summer—two kids

still living at home and visits from the other three. For Jacob and Hannah, the two at home, there was minimal structure— some camp, some work, some summer reading. But mostly, there were lazy days of staying up late, sleeping in, watching TV, and hanging with friends. I have mellowed with my fourth and fifth kids. After the intensity of the school year, they have earned their freedom. And as the days of August shortened, I felt sad about the impending, dramatic changes. For my kids, school changes everything. The pressure derails their smile. It starts to simmer in early August with “I haven’t finished my summer reading yet.” By the end of August, the stress level approaches boiling. And I am frustrated that they didn’t plan better. This year, I had an advantage. I read the Back-To-School feature by Randye Hoder and the interview with Madeline Levine. I’ve taken Levine’s words to heart— “Teenagers are at school all day long. So, make home a haven.” They’ve encouraged me to calm down, and I expect this year to be different as a result. Each issue surprises me. The stories from parents and advice from experts impact my parenting. Aline Weiller’s Shorts Notice made me rethink how I negotiate with (read: nag) Jacob about wearing a winter coat. The interview with Debora Spar spoke to me. “Don’t try to do everything.” So, I will let Hannah be. Why should I worry about her, anyway? She shows a real talent for sales. Her PowerPoint presentation convinced two completely disinterested parents to buy a dog. Riley is delicious, and we are all smitten. We take her everywhere, like the crazy dog people we used to mock. (And, for the record, you can’t take your kids to just “see” a puppy.) At Your Teen, we continue to spend all of our time thinking about raising teenagers so that you know where to turn to find all the important information you need. We have added 1-minute videos on our YouTube channel (youtube.com/user/YourTeenMagazine). And at the end of September, we’re hosting a series of webinars on Tech-Savvy Parenting, sponsored by Verizon. Register for our newsletter to stay updated. (YourTeenMag.com/Sign-up) Good luck with the new school year and enjoy the read.

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

FEATURED

CONTRIBUTORS Randye Hoder

We’re delighted to welcome writer Randye Hoder to the pages of Your Teen this issue. Reading her feature article, Surviving this Year’s Back to School—which starts on page 26—made us feel calm, cool and collected (and we think you will too). Meanwhile, you can catch more of Hoder’s work on parenting Gen Y and Z in Time, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and elsewhere.

Dr. Debora Spar

Why have so many girls gotten the message that in order to be successful they must be “perfect” at everything? For some answers (and how to help), flip to page 14 to read our interview with Dr. Debora Spar, president of Barnard College and author of Wonder Women: Sex, Power and the Quest for Perfection.

Jordan Sonnenblick

Jordan Sonnenblick is the author of Drums, Girls and Dangerous Pie and Notes from a Midnight Driver among many other popular novels for adolescents. This issue, he and his son, Ross, review Brandon Sanderson’s Steelheart.

Luong Ung

Luong Ung was just five years old when her world was shattered. It was 1975 and Cambodia had just been taken over by Pol Pot and the brutal Khmer Rouge. This issue, Ung talks to Your Teen about her childhood, which she details in her memoir, First They Killed My Father.

Dr. Madeline Levine

Meanwhile, it’s not just girls who are striving for perfection. In fact, says Dr. Madeline Levine, many of us have bought into the myth that success in life begins with perfection at school (academically and otherwise). Turn to page 32 to find out what Levine, a psychologist and New York Times bestselling author of Teach Your Children Well and The Price of Privilege, says we should really be focusing on when it comes to our teenagers.

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BULLETIN BOARD

The Moments When Laughter Won

’ll never forget going to church one Christmas Eve with my best friend. About halfway through the service, we got the giggles. The uncontrollable kind. You know, with snorts and tears and all. We knew better. We were really embarrassed. But we just couldn’t help ourselves. This issue, we asked parents and teenagers when they’d laughed inappropriately and were surprised to hear how many of you told us that, like me, you’d done so during a religious service or equally somber moment. “Laughing is almost by definition an unplanned emotion,” explains Dr. Joy Browne, a clinical psychologist and host of The Dr. Joy Browne Show, heard on more than 100 radio stations

across the United States. “And it is not controllable.” In particular, says Browne, the urge to laugh at a religious observance—including funerals, which many of you wrote about—can be a way to help vent our emotions in that moment. You can view laughing as the flip side of the coin from crying, she says. “Both help relieve some of the inner pressure.” So, what to do next time you feel the urge to chuckle at an inappropriate moment? “Take a deep breath,” advises Browne. “That’s the human way of rebooting yourself. By taking a deep breath, you can basically, if not control the emotion, at least end the out of control part of it.” —D.S.

TEEN ANSWERS

Lael, Chicago, IL

My grandmother had just died, and we were reading her will. It was a deeply sad moment because we were all missing her. “And for Kate,” my dad read, “I leave my collection of sporks and mac ‘n’ cheese.” Sporks? Mac ‘n’ cheese? Wait, what? I started to laugh. I was the only person who thought it was completely hilarious. Angel, Miami, FL

It was my middle school spelling bee. I had worked so hard, and I was ready. As I stepped up to the front of the room, the moderator YOUR TEEN

My friend was imitating our sixth grade teacher. I burst out with a loud guffaw. Unfortunately, Sister Jerome had already walked up behind me. She smacked me on the side of the head. Fritz, Denver, CO

I was taking a final in the gym with the little desks jammed closely together. My best friend and I kept making faces at each other until neither one of us could stop laughing. We were kicked out of the exam and had to take it a week later. I guess that’s one way to get extra study time!

PARENT ANSWERS

said, “Plastered.” I misheard her and thought that she said, “Bastard!” Being an immature 12-yearold, I nearly split my sides. I did not win the spelling bee. Lily, Denver, CO

My mom was having a serious talk about the pranks I play. As she droned on, I tried to keep my composure while I stared at her face that I had colored during her nap. Soon enough, I blew it and erupted into giggles. It didn’t take long for her to find out why. Julian, Brunswick, ME

My best friend, Kevin, and I can never stop laughing. As a bet, we decided not to laugh for the entire day. Whoever won would get three ice cream cones. To mess me up, Kevin made really funny faces at me! I couldn’t stop laughing, and I had to buy Kevin lots of ice cream. Henry, Columbus, OH

| September-october 2014

During church, the altar boy fell asleep behind the priest. The congregation could see him, but the priest could not. My brother and I started cracking up, and then everybody around us was cracking up—everyone but the priest. Dan, Anchorage, AK

At my grandfather’s funeral, I was trying so hard not to cry that for some reason I ended up laughing. And then, I couldn’t stop laughing. It was quite embarrassing. Sheila, Indianapolis, IN

At Uncle Pat’s funeral, the priest kept referring to him as "John." We thought we were at the wrong funeral. One look between my brother and I, and we cracked up. Who knew Pat’s given name was John? Karen, Sudbury, MA

A church staff member reminded me that I had volunteered to staff the children's time, and I

said "oh, @&$" loud enough for the congregation to hear and then started laughing. Kathryn, Locke, NY

My dad had just died. One night, I was glumly watching scenery of fish under the sea, when a fish with beautiful colors emerged with seaweed perched above his mouth like a mustache - I broke into uncontrollable giggles. Rebecca, San Diego, CA

At a wedding ceremony, a maintenance guy holding two large garbage bags walked into the wedding. He looked around, saw the festivities and then, unbelievably, walked through to the other side of the hall. I was with an old friend, and we tried not to laugh out loud. The more we tried, the more we giggled. Anonymous

I laughed uncontrollably at my grandpa’s funeral. The pastor, Father John, had a huge walrus mustache that wobbled up and down as he spoke. As I looked closer, I noticed food remnants caught in his facial hair. I could even make out what looked like a chunk of doughnut! Mary, Chicago, IL

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h Mark your calendars! At the end of September, we're debuting four must-see webinars on Tech-Savvy Parenting in partnership with Verizon. Sign up at YourTeenMag.com/sign-up/ to make sure you get the details.



DrJohnMayer @DrJohnMayer Lots of good content today at @AskDocG @braininsights @YourTeenMag @thekidscoach @AmyMorinLCSW Nice everyone!

Head over to Your Teen's YouTube channel (youtube.com/user/ YourTeenMagazine) to check out our latest videos of experts answering your frequently asked parenting questions. Recent videos—all around two minutes—include What to do when my teenager lies? and Tips for parents of adolescents.

Keep up with the latest from Your Teen on our social media channels. We’re on Facebook (Your Teen), Twitter (@YourTeenMag) and Google+ (+YourTeenMag).

Sign up for our free email newsletter and get valuable advice and interesting parenting stories delivered directly to your inbox. YourTeenMag.com/sign-up

Jessica Lahey @JessLahey Great interview w/ @FLOTUS on raising healthy teens in the current issue of @YourTeenMag !

Dusan Brown @dusanbrown @YourTeenMag asked me what's a great read for the summer. What's yours? Find out my answer: bit.ly/YTntbleTns

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

STATS

Do You Really Want to Know? Our round-up of the latest factoids about raising teenagers and more.

1 in 5

high school seniors in the United States has smoked from a hookah; and the majority of teens who smoke hookahs are under the (false) impression that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a safe hobby. Pediatrics

Despite the rumors of teens not using

Facebook anymore,

87 % of high school graduates use Facebook.

659 on school-related costs $

Parents spend, on average,

throughout the year per family. RetailMeNot and The Omnibus Company

Texting bans can reduce teen traffic fatalities by as much as American Journal of Public Health

Niche.com

of kids rank achievement or happiness as most important. Harvard Making Caring Common Project

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

Sunday, October 19th 1:30–3:30 p.m. GradeS 5–12 TOUrS & INFO

We’d love to show you around! Students from 78 Northeast Ohio communities—from Akron

to Westlake and everywhere in between—choose HB. They’re drawn to our beautiful Shaker Heights

campus by the warm, welcoming environment, outstanding faculty, and unparalleled education. Once they get here, they can’t imagine being anywhere else. With an innovative co-ed Early Childhood curriculum and groundbreaking programming for girls in grades K-12, HB is among the most distinguished independent schools in the country. Come find out why!

PRODUCTS

Product Picks Kid-tested and parent-approved, Your Teen recommends: Personalized Necklaces by Heart On Your Wrist

Psst, teenagers and dads. Want to score some serious points with mom? Head on over to Heart On Your Wrist and order up one of the company’s personalized mother’s necklaces. “It is a great piece to wear with everything,” says Your Teen’s Stephanie Silverman. “Trust me, the mom in your life will love it.” heartonyourwrist.com

OGIO Commuter Backpack

SlimSation Pants

You could say Your Teen’s Stephanie Silverman and Sue Borison are having a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants moment with SlimSation’s new line of pants. “We love these pants. They’re comfortable and fit really well,” says Sue. “And we both look great when we’re leaving the room, if you catch my drift,” adds Stephanie. Gotcha. slimsation.com

Does your student have to tote a computer all over campus? OGIO’s Commuter Backpack offers a way to do it in style this fall. “It’s outstanding. There are plenty of different storage areas—everything from small pockets for keys and my phone—to a pocket for my laptop,” says Your Teen’s Mike Murray. ogio.com

Rock Sauce

Nature’s Bakery Fig Bars

Our summer interns couldn’t get enough of these Nature’s Bakery’s All Natural Fig Bars. “I’m usually wary of any food that I suspect to be mildly healthy,” jokes Kaitlin Coyle. “But these fig bars proved me wrong.” Sasha Zborovsky agrees: “I must admit I was skeptical, but I was pleasantly surprised. These were delicious.” Did we mention they’re also cholesterol-free, dairy-free and kosher? naturesbakery.com

SKINIT

Got an athlete? Why not add Rock Sauce to your teenager’s sports bag this fall. It’s a topical pain reliever that helps soothe sore muscles and that’s also designed to be used with today’s popular kinesiology tapes. Your Teen staffer Eca Taylor gave it a whirl after a recent workout. “I felt like I was at a spa with my legs wrapped in hot towels,” she says. “It was amazing.” rocktape.com

SWEAT X

Your Teen’s Lisa Golovan is loving her new Skinit custom iPhone case. Just upload your favorite photo to Skinit’s website, add whatever customization you’d like, and, voila, you’re done. “It was so easy,” says Golovan. “The case is sturdy and I’ve gotten tons of compliments!” skinit.com

Does your teenager’s workout gear stink? This nontoxic, 100 percent biodegradable detergent actually works, says Your Teen’s Stephanie Silverman. “It was a no brainer to use this on my kids' gear, but using it on MY workout gear was the best. Everything smells fresh and clean. It got rid of odors that have lingered in all of my yoga wear. Plus, it is economical because you use such a small amount compared to other detergents. Love it!” renegadebrands.com (Use Code YT10 for 10% off)

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

In a Minute

Back-to-School Fashion on a Budget So, your teenager’s got a back-to-school shopping list chock full of the latest must-have brands. Cue the squabbling, right? Well, maybe not. Your Teen asked nationally recognized shopping expert Andrea Woroch for her advice. Create a budget. Before your teenager starts rattling off a list of expensive jeans, sneakers, and new shirts that he or she must have for school, set a budget. And stick to it. Split the cost. If your son can’t live without new $100 Nike sneakers or your daughter needs a pair of $200 designer jeans, tell them that you are happy to pay part of the cost (but remember, it comes out of the budget). Consider second hand.Thrifting is popular with teenagers, so take advantage. Consignment stores are a smart way to get designer fashion at the cheapest prices. You can even shop second hand online at thredup. com, RecycleYourFashions.com and eBay.com. Stock up on summer clearance. Retailers are clearing out their summer fashions for up to 75 percent off. Most teenagers can wear these items for the first few weeks or months of school before you have to buy any new fall clothes, which will be cheaper during holiday sales anyway. What’s more, many retailers offer printable coupons that you can apply to the clearance items for an even deeper discount. Check websites before you hit the mall.

YOUR TEEN

Use smartphone apps for saving more. Arming your smartphone with free, money-saving apps can help you save big. RedLaser provides instant price comparison with other retailers. Plus, most retailers will price match the competition, so you can use RedLaser to get a lower price on the spot. CouponSherpa provides digital coupons on your phone for instant instore savings at many major retailers. Shop discounters. You can find a selection of name brand clothing for up to 60 percent off at discount stores like Marshalls, Nordstrom Rack and Century21. Sign up for emails. Many retailers will send a one-time coupon to new email subscribers. Create a separate email for such retailer newsletters to avoid your personal email account being bombarded with offers. Invest in timeless, save on trends. When it comes to the more expensive clothing, it’s wise to stick to a classic look that your teenager will wear for a few seasons (barring a major growth spurt, of course). For trendy articles of clothing, like shirts in bold prints, head to stores like Forever 21.

| September-october 2014

Is Your Teen

#Vamping? There’s nothing new about teenagers staying up late into the night on electronic devices. But now it’s turned trendy, with teenagers posting their nocturnal activities on Instagram, Twitter, and elsewhere using the hashtag #vamping. Then again, what’s trendy isn’t what’s best for sleep. Here’s how to handle vamping in your house:

Thirty minutes before lights out, turn off all electronic devices. This gives your teenager’s brain a chance to produce melatonin, which is the hormone that regulates sleep.

Keep electronics out of the bedroom. They’re too tempting. In fact, a recent National Sleep Foundation study found that teenagers who stored electronics in their rooms slept an hour less per night than those teenagers who didn’t.

Make more room for downtime. When asked why they stay up late on electronics—which can include watching Netflix and gaming— many teenagers say there’s no time for these activities during the day. “All day long they are busy, so late night becomes the only time,” points out Sue Scheff, who works with parents on technology-related issues. “Your teenager needs some down time every day, just not at midnight.”

Be firm. Most teenagers will not be happy about any limits on their devices. But for teenagers, a chronic lack of sleep is bad news for their health. “Unplugging has to happen by ten or eleven o’clock,” Scheff adds. “Set up consequences for not following the rules and be serious about follow through.”

Move-Out Skills 101:

FENDER BENDERS Would your teenager know what steps to take in a fender bender? In this edition of Move Out Skills 101, Your Teen caught up with the experts to find out.

15-minute recipe

Crispy Rice Omelet

1. Pull over.

“When my kids were little, my dinner rotation looked like this: Pasta, Pizza, Pasta, Burgers, Pasta, Pasta,” says author Jenny Rosenstrach. Sound familiar? If so, then Rosenstrach’s latest book, Dinner: The Playbook, is especially for you. It's an easy (really!) 30-day plan to get you and your family cooking dinner—and eating it together—most nights of the week. The Crispy Rice Omelet is just one of 80-plus recipes in the book. Check out our interview with Rosenstrach at bit.ly/Rosenstrach.

Find a safe place on the side of the road and turn on your hazard lights.

2. Call 911.

Ask them to send a police officer to the scene. If you or anyone else is hurt, request an ambulance. Note: In many states, if no one is hurt and the damage is under $1,000—a minor scratch or dent—it is not necessary to call the police. But in other states, it's required. If you're not sure of your state's laws, call the police. And, you may want to call the police, regardless of your state’s laws. For starters, you may not know what $1,000 in damage looks like. And, filing a police report protects you— and your parents—if the other driver is less scrupulous.

INGREDIENTS: 1 tablespoon canola oil

Add the rice and spread it out in one layer, raising the heat a bit. Don’t stir for about a minute so the rice gets nice and crispy. Stir again and wait another minute.

2 tablespoons minced scallions (white and green parts only) or onions

3. Call your parents.

½ teaspoon peeled, minced ginger

Let your parents know what happened.

4. Document.

1 small garlic clove

“Take your cell phone and snap pictures of the damage to the cars, license plate number, driver license and insurance cards,” advises Maryam Parman, a legal expert in Irvine, California. Also get the contact information for all witnesses.

Shake of red pepper flakes, or to taste 1 ½ cups leftover rice (preferably sticky Chinese takeout)

5. Stick to small talk.

4 eggs

Be polite to the other driver, but avoid getting into an indepth conversation about the accident, including who was at fault. If the other driver is being rude or aggressive, wait in your car until the police arrive.

Cook until the underside is crispy, 4 to 5 minutes.

2 teaspoons low-sodium soy sauce, plus more for serving 1 cup frozen peas, or to taste DIRECTIONS: Add the canola oil to a 10-inch cast-iron or nonstick skillet set over medium heat. Add the scallions, ginger, garlic, and red pepper flakes and cook for about 1 minute until everything is soft and fragrant.

6. If you can still drive the car, head home and call the insurance company. If you cannot drive the car, call a tow truck.

Move Out Skills is Your Teen's regular series on teaching teenagers the practical skills they'll need to live away from home. Visit our website (yourteenmag.com) for the other articles in our Move Out series, including How to Do Laundry and First Aid Basics.

YOUR TEEN

Meanwhile, in a medium bowl whisk together the eggs and soy sauce and add the peas. Reduce the heat to medium-low and pour the egg mixture over the fried rice, tipping the pan so the egg distributes itself evenly over the rice.

Transfer to the broiler and broil for 3 minutes, or until the egg looks golden and bubbly on top. Serve with a drizzle of soy sauce. Short Cuts: • On the weekend: Make the rice, if you’re not going to use takeout, and store it in the refrigerator. • In the morning: Assemble the nonperishable ingredients.

| September-october 2014

Cleveland Institute of Art Creativity Matters

From art school to NASA. Michelle Murphy CIA Class of 2004 Photographer at NASA

Creativity matters to Michelle Murphy. Michelle is a full-time photographer at NASA. But when she finishes her day job, her day is just beginning. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also a photography teacher, internationally exhibited fine art photographer and filmmaker, co-curator of an online arts magazine, and co-founder of an artist residency program. She credits CIA with helping her develop her skills, artistic voice, and killer work ethic.

Bachelor of Fine Arts degree

See Michelle at work at cia.edu/michelle

World-class faculty n Real-world experience n 9:1 student to faculty ratio n University Circle: Cultural hub n

Studio space for each student n Successful alumni network n

For more information, visit cia.edu

EST 1882

S P O N S O RE D BY

Quinoa Salad with Grilled Chicken (yields 2 servings)

We love a great salad. So, when Sweet Melissa shared its popular Quinoa Salad with Grilled Chicken recipe with us, we were delighted. This has got it all: protein, grain, feta, even fruit—all topped with a delicious lemon vinaigrette. Mmmmm, lunch (or dinner or midnight snack) anyone?

INGREDIENTS: 5 oz grilled chicken breast (12-14 thin slices)

Lemon Dressing

2 tbsp cooked quinoa

1 oz white vinegar

¼ cup halved grape tomatoes

1 tbsp dry mustard

2 oz mixed fresh herbs

1 tbsp extra strong dijon

½ cup watermelon

3 oz lemon juice

½ cup strawberries

1 tbsp sugar

½ cup blueberries

2 pinches kosher salt

2 tbsp shaved red onion

4 oz olive oil

1 clove garlic chopped fine

2 tbsp feta 1 ½ oz lemon dressing pinch kosher salt pepper mix 1 ½ oz arugula

DIRECTIONS: Mix all ingredients except olive oil. Slowly drizzle olive oil to combine. Store in refrigerator up to one week.

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YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Girls and the Quest for Perfection The president of an all-women’s college sees the problem up close. Do you have one? A daughter who strives to be perfect in all ways—academics, extracurriculars, and everything else. She may be caught up in the “quest for perfection” that Dr. Debora Spar, president of Barnard College, tackles head on in her latest book, Wonder Women: Sex, Power and the Quest for Perfection. Your Teen asked Julie Zeilinger, founder of the feminist blog F-Bomb and a member of the Barnard College class of 2015, to sit down with Spar and find out how we can help. How is the quest for “perfection” impacting young women today? Sadly, girls start to grapple with perfectionism at frighteningly young ages. You see an emphasis on looking good and being popular starting as early as middle school and reaching fever pitch during high school. While not all girls fall prey to these pressures, many find themselves trying to excel in far too many categories: looks, schoolwork, sports, friends, taking care of family, and so forth. How can parents help change this? They can model good behavior—which frequently means making clear that no one is good, much less perfect, all the time and at all things. Parents should push their daughters to work hard, of course, and to strive for things that mat16

YOUR TEEN

ter to them, but they shouldn’t push girls to excel across the board. If your daughter isn’t a good athlete, or is an average one, let her play for fun, but without pressure to make the travel team. If she loves to sing but doesn’t have a spectacular voice, cheer her on in chorus, but don’t prod her to go out for the high school musical lead. The college admissions process seems to exacerbate this quest for perfection because that’s what many teenagers believe it takes to get into a top college. Are they right? Colleges—even the most selective ones— don’t look for perfect students. We look for good students, interesting students, students with a demonstrated intellectual curiosity and a drive to learn more. So, yes, doing well in school does matter. But no kid has to be perfect to get into a great college, and they certainly don’t need to spend endless hours doing all sorts of extracurricular activities just to impress a college admissions board. Do extra-

| September-october 2014

curricular activities because you enjoy them. Play sports because you love the game. Volunteer for causes that matter to you. But don’t do any of these things just because you presume they’re a ticket to college admission. What’s your advice for young women? Don’t try to do everything; instead sample the buffet and find two things you really like doing. Say “no” instead of “maybe,” because once you say, “maybe”—whether it’s “Maybe I’ll come by the party” or “Maybe I’ll stop by for brunch tomorrow or “Maybe I’ll join the Bollywood dance troop” —then you’ll feel guilty if you don’t do it. You’ll spend too much energy worrying about “Oh I can’t do that, but I’ll let Susie down if I don’t do it.” Whereas if you just say, “no” upfront—I’d love to do the Bollywood dance troop, but I just can’t— sans explanation, it’s so much safer. Julie Zeilinger is the author of College 101: A Girl's Guide to Freshman Year.

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100 Years of Inspiring Character and Intellect

BOOK REVIEW

Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson Jordan Sonnenblick is the author of Drums, Girls and Dangerous Pie and Notes from a Midnight Driver, among many other popular novels for adolescents. This issue, he and his son, Ross, review Steelheart.

TEEN REVIEW By Ross Sonnenblick

here are good first lines, there are great first lines, and then there is the master-class first line that begins Brandon Sanderson’s Steelheart—“I’ve seen Steelheart bleed.” Immediately, I was hooked. The setting is Chicago, deemed “Newcago” after an unexplainable incident gives a small portion of society superpowers. These “Epics” erase the sunlight, take over the city, and rule with iron fists. Steelheart is the most powerful and invulnerable Epic. Opposing them is David Charleston, an 18-year-old orphan who is obsessed with bringing down Steelheart. David’s quest drives the book’s plot, which is filled with incessant danger, riveting suspense, cunning schemes and schemers, and the obligatory, amusing struggle for love. In Steelheart, every single person, Epic or not, is portrayed with a vulnerability. The mighty gunman, Abraham, is a soft-spoken idealist. David is an

expert on classifying Epics, but he is insecure and desperately infatuated with the freedom fighter, Megan. And Steelheart? The book’s first line alludes to David’s obsession to uncover and exploit Steelheart's vulnerability. Sanderson depicts this story in a cynical, wry tone that helps all of the extraordinary events to read, well, ordinary. Some examples: “She nodded, businesslike, which wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d have hoped for from a pretty girl whose life I’d saved.” And: “If my landlady came snooping up here, she’d find just what she expected. A teenager just into his majority blowing his earnings on an easy life for a year before responsibility hits him.” At its core, the nov-

el isn’t about the gunfights (although there are several juicy ones) or guts and glory, but about human nature. The Epics don’t need to rob banks; money is worthless to them. They don’t need to kill, and they don’t need to enforce laws. Yet, they do. The novel also poses tough questions: What is the nature of power? Can people be above the law? Are humans inherently good or evil? David possesses no superpower, but that does not mean he is an ordinary teenager. He’s seen Steelheart bleed, and “will see him bleed again.” This novel intrigued me to no end, and I think it will ensnare you as well.

boy looking for fast-paced, violent carnage and mayhem, this book delivers. However, you also get a haunting coming-of-age tale framed in a David-andGoliath allegory about the destructive and corrupting nature of absolute power. The main character, David, sets out to avenge the death of his father at the hands of the incredibly powerful and villainous Steelheart, who has taken over Chicago. By the end of the story, David has learned about grief, acceptance, and the difference between vengeance and

justice. Interwoven in this plot is also an unusual first-love story and a meditation on governance and social responsibility. Steelheart is a wild ride that will thrill you from start to finish. If you want a book that you and your teen can enjoy and discuss together, then Steelheart is a super (heh, heh) choice. Plus, there is a sequel in the works. Score!

Ross Sonnenblick is 16 years old and will be a high school junior in the fall.

PARENT REVIEW

By Jordan Sonnenblick

’ve always been a sucker for superhero fiction, so when I stumbled across Brandon Sanderson’s Steelheart, a dystopian teen novel that begins two years after individuals have suddenly developed metahuman powers for evil, I knew I had to grab a copy and share it with my teenage son. I expected a standard action story—which would have been enough for me. What I got was a whole lot more satisfying. Steelheart succeeds on several levels. If you’re a teenage (or 44-year-old) 18

YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

Jordan Sonnenblick, author of several young adult novels including his most recent, Are You Experienced, lives in Philadelphia with his wife and two children.

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YOUR TEEN

| September-october 2014

PERSPECTIVES Perspectives reflects the full tapestry of our society: from parents, teens and professionals.

Contributors

Life in the Military

Through the Eyes of One Family

Parent's Point

Parent 1 Terri Stricklin

Parent's Point

CHRIS R. Stricklin

Teen's Point

Bethany Stricklin

Teen's Point

Zach Stricklin

YOUR TEEN

By Terri Stricklin

Mommy guilt—that feeling of never doing quite enough for your children. Most moms know that feeling, but it reaches an entirely new level for moms of military families. Some moms worry about getting their kids into the “right” classes at school; I worry about my kids getting into the actual right class in the right school in the right town. And once I figure that out, we’ll be on the move again—to a new state with different graduation requirements. We won’t be there until graduation, but it’s no matter—they’ll schedule us into their plan, regardless. On the plus side, our children have experienced many teaching styles and school districts. When our oldest began college, we saw first-hand his amazing ability to adapt to new environments and challenges. Some moms worry about their kids making the sports team; I worry if there will even be a sports team at our new school. The sport they played at their last school might not be offered at the new school. But, while this messes with continuity, our transient lifestyle gives them the chance to try

| september-october 2014

many new sports that their previous school didn’t offer. Some moms worry if their kids will have the “right” friends; I worry if our kids will have any friends at all in the new town. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked my children at the dinner table, “Did you make any new friends today? Who did you sit with at lunch?” Although this can be stressful, the flip side is that our children do have friends all over the world. And thanks to social media, they can maintain these friendships long after our moving truck drives away. It’s a life unlike any other. This month, we’re moving our family 6,000 miles around the world and touring colleges for our daughter to attend. When I step beyond the mommy-guilt, I realize that she will do fine. College is just another move for her. She can make friends and embrace the new environment. Who knows? When she walks into freshman orientation, she might even meet one of the friends she’s made along the way. I’m not sure if moms ever stop worrying about our children, but I do know that

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PERSPECTIVES

military families

My kids are forever “the new kid,” which requires them to play catch-up, academically and socially.

my military kids can adapt quickly and face challenges head-on. Our military life is sometimes tough and challenging, but it’s helped us raise independent, resilient young adults. Terri is a military spouse celebrating 20 years of marriage and a proud mom to four amazing kids.

Parent 2 By Chris R. Stricklin

Following my return from a year in Afghanistan, I’ve often pondered the effects of military life on my kids. I had an “aha” moment at a recent welcome home party when I looked across the room and saw our four children sitting at a table —talking, laughing, and enjoying each other. Parenting teens is tough for everyone, but raising teens in a military family presents unique challenges. When our oldest began to apply to colleges, we realized that not only had we moved him for his senior year of high school, but we’d also sent him to nine schools in 12 years. It’s not easy, but my kids are strong and resilient, as individuals and as members of our family. Although the military 22 YOUR TEEN ber-october 2014

| septem-

offers amazing networks and assistance to aid our transient lifestyle, our family is our bedrock. We play, laugh, and cry together—which is good because each person shoulders a lot of responsibilities. When I was deployed for a year, my wife functioned as a single mom, and our children took on extra chores and responsibilities in my absence. My kids have also had to

mature outside the home. The military way of life routinely moves teenagers from state to state and country to country. My kids are forever “the new kid,” which requires them to play catch-up, academically and socially. Not all grade levels are created equal, and it’s likely that what they learned the previous year in their old school is different than the prerequisites for the new school. And, not only are our kids regularly leaving behind close friends; they’re regularly making new friends, learning what is cool at the new school and what is not. As a result, our children have learned to embrace the positive change of moves and use the experiences to discover new cultures and communities. Now, don’t misinterpret; they have not always done this willingly. We have had our “Dad, why

can’t you have a normal job” moments. But these moments pass quickly, and our teens embrace the move at hand. Right now, we’re preparing to move 5,292 miles to our next adventure in Turkey. My kids could easily have kicked and screamed about the 12hour flight and their next class size of 12, only half of which is American. But, they didn’t. Instead, they looked up our new city to find places and cultural aspects they want to see and experience. That night I saw them at the welcome home party. They were plotting all of this out. My wife and I have often pondered the implications of the military life on our children, but we saw the results when our oldest went to college. He quickly and effectively adapted to the independent college lifestyle with a deterThe Stricklin family: Zach, Chris, Terri, Bethany, Aubree Lu, and Andy.

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PERSPECTIVES

military families

mined focus on the future. Our three younger kids are following in the same path of development and maturation. Parenting, like life, is what you make of it. Like any parent, we’ve focused on the positives and strived to learn every day. Chris is a US Air Force Colonel entering his 20th year of active duty. He’s been married to his high school sweetheart for 20 years and is the proud father of Zach, Bethy, Aubree Lu, and Andy.

Teen 1 By Bethany Stricklin

Growing up in a military family is all I’ve ever known, but is it normal? Nine schools in 10 years, 10 houses in 16 years, and next month, we will fly 6,000 miles away to our next

YOUR TEEN

home. Definitely not normal. Not every teen has to make new friends every year and adapt to a new school for each grade, all the while studying the local customs of the culture they will move to next year. On the outside, it’s an a m a z i n g l i f e s ty l e t h at ’s helped me adapt to new environments while maintaining and cultivating relationships from the past. But on the inside, it can feel traumatic to constantly change my life, school, friends, hobbies, and surroundings. When I was younger, I blamed my parents for dragging us from location to location. I vowed never to have a job that required my family to regularly move locations. However, as I have grown older, I realize the

| september-october 2014

benefits, and my views have changed for the better. During a recent move from Pennsylvania to Alabama, I was once again dreading the beginning of a new school. But after a few months in my new school, I met someone who quickly became the best friend I have ever had. We were inseparable and did everything together. That’s the positive— meeting new friends. But, then another move was looming. Saying goodbye was a real tearjerker. That’s the part I hate— leaving friends who have finally become close friends. For good or bad, moving with my dad’s job has shaped me. I’ve become an outgoing person who can make friends quickly. I can easily adjust to new and different environ-

ments and establish myself in a new group. And the constant change has helped me develop as a leader, striving for excellence in everything I do, whether social, academics, or sports. When I’m presented with perceived setbacks, I have learned to react by searching for the positive in every situation and trying to adapt and grow from the experience. Sure, I’ve felt both the advantages and drawbacks of growing up in a military family, but the overall result on my siblings and me has been positive. Our family’s network reaches around the world, and my bond with other military brats will last a lifetime. My unique childhood has helped me to develop into the adult I will become. I think

this lifestyle has prepared me well for my life ahead. Bethany, a Junior, is moving to George C. Marshall High School in Ankara, Turkey, for her next adventure.

Teen 2 By Zach Stricklin

How do I feel about being a part of a military family? Well, it has its good days and its bad days. And though it’s been the deciding factor in how I’ve lived the past 19 years of my life and the person I am today, that in no way means that I want this lifestyle for my children. The largest advantage to being a military brat is the freedom I had to find out who I was without lasting social repercussions. I moved too often

to worry about what people would think. So, I tested out all of the high school stereotypes before deciding who I wanted to be. Take 8th grade, when I moved from being home schooled to a public school, I decided that I wanted to be a jock. Unfortunately, my years of playing video games didn’t quite set me up for middle school sports teams, but my struggle that year motivated me to work all summer to better myself at every sport possible. The result—played (and started) on my schools’ baseball, basketball, football, and track programs in the following years. A new school every year meant starting with a clean slate and a new start. However, every advantage comes with a disadvantage. I

don’t have a town to call home. This didn’t really strike me as a problem in high school, but as I’ve finished my freshman year of college, it’s formidable. My friends all talk about how they can’t wait to go home and see all of their high school friends. In contrast, my family moved around the time I left for college. I have no one to share my excitement with about being done with school, no one to play ball with, or do any other typical summer activities because I don’t know anyone where my family currently lives. Identifying your hometown is an icebreaker at college, but I’m from 13 different places (and consider Columbus, Mississippi my hometown only because I spent the largest portion of my high school career there)

and that can be a hassle to explain when you’re trying to meet 3,282 of your fellow classmates. It’s hard to pinpoint my true feelings about being in a military family; it’s hard to explain them. I know I would not be who I am today if I’d lived in one place my entire childhood. My friends aren’t in one hometown; they’re around the country and the world. The stationary life is as unfamiliar to me as the military one is to those on the outside. While I am thankful that my family put me through the trials of this military way of life, I don’t know whether I’d want my children to grow up the same way. Zach is currently a sophomore at Cornell University in the College of Industrial and Labor Relations.

LEARN FROM

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YOUR TEEN

| september-october 2014

Surviving this Year’s

Back to

School BY Randye Hoder | PHOTOS BY BETH SEGAL

For some teens, the start of a new school year is exciting. For others, especially those transitioning from elementary to middle school or from middle to high school, it can be cause for anxiety. But no matter where your teen is on the back-to-school spectrum, here are some tips to make that first week — and the rest — go smoothly, plus a few pieces of advice that could be helpful throughout the school year.

Sunday

Beating the Night-Before Blues

If your teen suffers from the Sunday Night Blues—anxiousness, stomachaches and worries about the week ahead—it can bring an abrupt end to your relaxing weekend. There are, however, a few things parents can do to help ease the angst. “Setting up a Sunday night ritual works like a charm,” says Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist in Fairfield County, Connecticut, who focuses on adolescents and families. “Instead of dreading Sunday night, it gives kids something to look forward to.” What you do doesn’t matter, as long as it is special and reserved only for Sunday night: dinner out at your favorite pizza joint, a frozen yogurt run, family game night or watching a movie together. You should also encourage your teen not to leave weekend homework until the last moment and to check his or her planner so as to be confident that everything is complete. And make sure they get a solid night’s sleep; adolescents should be getting at least nine hours a night. 26

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| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2014

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3 MONday

Taming the First-Day Jitters

This day can be especially challenging for middle school students setting foot on campus for the first time: “How will I find my different classrooms without being late?” “How do I open the lock on my locker? Where is the bathroom?” Many schools have orientations to help ease student’s anxiety. But Susan Schechtman, middle school principal at Oakwood School in Los Angeles, says parents of particularly nervous teens should arrange a tour of the school over the summer “when everything is calm and quiet.” “Fear of the unknown is huge,” Schechtman says. “Kids are nervous about the logistics, and walking the halls and seeing where everything is can make a big difference in how they feel on day one.” A few other tips: Buy a lock for their locker early so they can practice using it until it’s a snap. Get together for a BBQ or hike over the summer with another family or two that has kids attending the same school. And, if you can afford it, let your teen have that special pair of jeans or sneakers or backpack. “At this age, kids are extremely self-conscious,” Greenberg says. “It is important that they feel they can fit in.”

3 TUESday Teasing Out the 411

Most parents want to know how the school day went—especially at the beginning of the year. But whether it’s the first week, or the next 35, asking your teen “How was school 28

YOUR TEEN

today?” the minute he or she walks through the door is for rookies. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a shrug and maybe a mumbled “fine.” If not, you may unexpectedly find yourself on the receiving end of a rant as your teen lets go of some of the day’s pent-up anxiety. Either way, the one thing you definitely won’t get is information. “What they need when they first come home is some cookies, a hug, and time to decompress,” says Michele Borba, a child psychologist and the author of more than 20 books on raising children. “Not the third degree: ‘Who did you sit with at lunch?’ ‘Did you make any friends?’ ‘How was your teacher?’ That just increases their anxiety.” Borba says parents should save their inquiry for the dinner hour, when the family is together and everyone is sharing information about their day; that way, your teen is not the focus. And she suggests that parents may be more successful if they ask open-ended questions like, “What was the highlight of your day?”

term assignments, due dates, sports practices and other activities at a glance. If they are auditory learners, it might be more useful to talk through assignments with them each day and help them map out a plan of attack. Though independence is the goal, many young high school students still need help, too. That doesn’t mean doing it for them, as much as providing a bit of structure and guidance. This could be as simple as buying color-coded notebooks for their classes, or limiting access to technology while they do homework. It also means respecting how they work best. Some teens need a quiet place with few distractions; others thrive in the middle of a busy kitchen with their headphones on.

3 THURSDAY 3 WEDNESday Mapping a Plan of Attack

By mid-week, your child will be fully back in school mode: juggling homework, sports and after-school activities. This can be hard for any teenager, but is especially so for middle school kids who still need to learn time management and have yet to develop strong study habits and organizational skills. “They are going from elementary school which is 100 percent hands-on to middle school where they are expected to do a lot for themselves,” Schechtman says. “Parents need to be involved to help them create good habits.” Schechtman advises parents to help their teens figure out what will work best for them. If they’re visual learners, for example, that might mean keeping a big calendar or white board above their desk where they can see short-term and long-

| SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2014

Making the Morning a Little Less Mad You can’t get your teen out of bed in the morning. She doesn’t have anything to wear. He skips breakfast because the carpool is waiting. She forgets her homework on the dining room table. He leaves his lunch on the kitchen counter. You haven’t so much as had your first sip of coffee and you’re already cranky. If this sounds familiar, Borba has a few easy tips to lower the early-morning temperature. First and foremost, she recommends that parents buy their kids an alarm clock. “You need to stop being Big Ben,” she says. “Make it their job to get up in time for school.” Borba also recommends that teens lay out their clothing for school the night before; pack their backpack and put it by the front door so they trip over it on the way out; and, since it cannot be repeated enough times, she recommends that all adolescents get at least nine hours of sleep.

Dinner Makes A Difference! Join Us September 22

Did you know that more than a decade of research1 has consistently found that the more often youth eat with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs? We ask you to join thousands of families across the country in celebrating Family Day - A Day to Eat Dinner with Your ChildrenTM.

All D ay Lo ng!

September 22, 2014

Enjoy the delicious food and treats at these Fairmount Circle neighbors and they will donate a portion of your check2 to Bellefaire JCB’s SAY - Social Advocates for Youth program. This ad must be presented to your server.

By the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. The Center launched the Family Day event in 2001. 2 Donation amount excludes proceeds from tax, gratuity, and alcohol. No other discounts or coupons may be used. Sweet Melissa dine in only and parties of 6 or less. Event proceeds void if flyers are distributed in or near the restaurant. Managers: Please attach this ad to the guest check. 1

SY A

SocialAdvocatesforYouth

A Program of

Bellefaire JCB

For more information about SAY: Christine Ruma-Cullen, SAY Program Director (216) 320-8203 • cullenc@bellefairejcb.org www.e-say.org

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are offered in eight east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst.

in the same boat, and they might want to reach out to someone else who looks like they need a friend. “But don’t try and solve the problem for them,” Borba cautions. “Help them instead to figure out ways they can solve the problem on their own.”

3 FRIDAY Doing Away With Some of the Drama By the end of the week, peer pressures— and plenty of drama—will surface. Did your teen get invited to the party? Was it hard for him to make friends or feel comfortable at school? Did she feel someone was mean to her? It can be hard as a parent to know how to support your teen’s social life without getting too involved. One key is to remind your child that there is a difference between friendship and popularity, and that friendships take time to develop. Encourage them to consider—but don’t push—joining a school club or sports team where making friends with similar interests can be easier. And remind them that everyone is

3 SATURDAY Ensuring the Weekend is Fun—and Safe No matter how old your teenagers are, parents of middle and high school kids should be involved in their children’s weekend plans. How little or how much is highly personal and can depend on everything

from where you live, the age of your teen, to their temperament and issues of trust. A few basic guidelines include reviewing the rules and expectations for your family. Let them know that you don’t care what other parents do—that you, for example, are always going to call to make sure there is supervision at the party. It helps to set and stick to curfews, while at the same time knowing that some events—a concert they’ve been saving to go to, say—call for making an exception. And let them know that you expect them to check in, early and often. “Even if it upsets them, they need to know that you’re involved and that you’re watching over them and are going to keep them safe,” Greenberg says. She adds that parents should give kids a code word so they can call you if they’re in a sticky situation. “That way they don’t have to be embarrassed and parents can play the bad guy if need be.” And, if at all possible, keep them close. “Keep your door open and your house kidfriendly,” says Borba. “The more they hang out at your house, the more you will learn about your kid and their friends. Make your house the place to be.” •

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Back to School

Advice from an Expert These days, teenagers are under way more academic stress than we (parents) ever experienced in our day. But is it helping our teenagers develop the skills they’ll really need to be successful in college and beyond? Not really, says Dr. Madeline Levine, a psychologist and New York Times bestselling author of Teach Your Children Well. Your Teen caught up with Levine to hear more. For many teenagers, “back to school” means “back to stress.” Why?

Historically, it was family or peer problems that stressed teens. Now, school is the number one stressor. We buy into the mythology that success in life begins with prepping yourself to be attractive to a narrow group of colleges.

What’s the result?

We now treat school as a day-by-day crisis, as if each and every moment decides the future. Many teenagers won’t even take a class they think they’ll get a B in. But that’s not the way the world works. Every talk I give, I do the same thing. I draw a straight line and ask, “How many people in the audience have followed a straight trajectory to success?” It’s always between one and ten percent – that small group of people who stay on track the 32

YOUR TEEN

whole time, like what they do, make money, and are successful. But 90-99 percent of us don’t do it that way.

Even if we (parents) get that, it’s hard not to turn around and pressure our teenagers.

Parental anxiety has been ratcheted up by our culture. This is new to the last 15 years or so. Is it human nature to want your teenager to be a successful person? Yes, but we correlate this with metrics – grades, scores, salaries, etc. There are other equally important measures of success.

The pressure also comes from teenagers themselves.

Yes. When I started talking about this, it was all coming from the parents. That trend is starting to change. Ten years ago when a parent said,

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“It’s not me,” I didn’t believe them. Now, I do. The next conversation must be directed at our teenagers. They are not getting the message that putting so much pressure on themselves is a bad thing.

What’s one way we can help?

Teenagers are at school all day long. So, make home a haven. Don’t have the first question be, “How much homework do you have?” or “How did you do on your test?” Your teenagers have an entire other life and set of developmental tasks, like figuring out what they want to do, who their friends are, or what kind of person they are. That’s not to say you don’t say, “It’s time to do your homework,” but avoid the constant drumbeat of “How are you doing?” when that really means, “How are you doing in terms of your grades?”

What’s the goal, really?

You want a teenager who is engaged in learning. I’ve talked to enough CEOs—who, by the way, are disproportionately learning disabled and did not go to Ivy League schools—and got where they are because of their profound interest in something. So, help your teenager find something they love doing. And, broaden the scope of what that means. It’s not just engineering or science and technology. You want to constantly be falling on the side of the learning, not the performance or outcome. I don’t really care what grades teenagers get. If your teenager loves what he’s doing, that’s a good thing. At the end of the school year, should your teenager be tired? Of course. But you want enthusiasm and optimism about school as opposed to exhaustion and disengagement.•

TEEN SPEAK BY EMMA FREER

DO SOMETHING

Dear Parents,

GET MOVING

High school was so stressful. I know you tried to empathize with me. You never pressured me to get a perfect GPA. You didn’t force me to play field hockey after I quit. You listened to me complain about homework and the weight of my backpack and physics. I count myself lucky to have been free of helicopter parents.

BE CONFIDENT RISK NEW THINGS

The thing is, for all of your empathy, I never really believed you understood. When you went to college, in-state tuition was $4,000 a year. You were all but guaranteed admittance into state schools by virtue of your status as a breathing 18-year-old. AP classes weren’t required; SAT tutors didn’t exist.

STICK WITH IT

Honestly, the extreme stress I experienced was entirely my own fault. My Type A personality helped me to be a good student—top of my class, in fact—but it also dominated my life.

THEN BE READY FOR BIG SURPRISES

From the summer before junior year until I picked a college, I was totally stressed out. I slept fewer than six hours a night. I was practically unable to miss a homework assignment or show up for a test without being fully prepared. One “C” on a Calculus test rendered me catatonic for the rest of the day. Senior year, I spent two days bedridden with a migraine because of pent up, collegerelated stress. My schoolwork was meticulous, but my room was a mess and I had terrible acne. I had great friends, but no real social life. I could only handle so much, and I chose to handle school at the expense of everything else. I don’t think my experience is unique. Many high school students experience severe stress—all the time. Mine was self-generated, but other students suffer from overbearing (though, I’m sure, well-intentioned) parents who demand perfect grades, varsity letters, debate trophies, and Ivy League college acceptance letters. Even those lucky students with a more relaxed approach to academics still feel pressure from their high schools to get into “good” colleges. That expectation weighs heavily on students. High school is all about one thing: getting into college. So instead of developing a normal high school social life, I often felt like I was competing against my classmates for acceptance letters. Friday night was for homework. Everything I did was to enhance my college application.

An Ursuline education is an affordable investment that pays dividends in your future. Nearby Cleveland provides over half of the student body with real-world experience. Last year, 100% of first-year students received aid and new alums were employed at a rate three times higher than the national average. Focusing on holistic education, Ursuline College empowers women to lead and change the world.

I wouldn’t go back to high school if you paid me. Since graduating, I’ve mellowed out considerably. I still work hard, but school isn’t my sole focus. I go out. I’m involved in extracurriculars that interest me (no more debate team). My room is tidy, and my skin is clear. I’m less intense and more well rounded, as both of you have noted. People joke about peaking in high school. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be as focused or dedicated to anything as I was to my high school studies. But, it was unsustainable and motivated by stress. In college, I have finally learned stress management, but when I really needed it – in the throes of high school—I was plum out of luck. Thanks for helping me through it, guys, and for letting me vent.

Love, Emma

YOUR TEEN

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CROSSROADS

YOUR TEEN

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Popping Pills Is accessibility to opioid painkillers creating a crisis? By Jane Parent

ow did you handle the pain from wisdom teeth surgery? Probably Tylenol, a cold pack, and lots of ice cream.

But, when the daughter of Your Teen editor, Sue Borison, recently had the procedure, the doctor handed her an opioid painkiller prescription on her way out the door. “And it wasn’t just a few pills to get her through the first day or so,” Sue says. “It was for 25 pills.” According to a July 2014 study by the CDC, U.S. health care providers wrote 259 million prescriptions for opioid painkillers, like Vicodin and OxyContin, in 2012. That’s a bottle of pain pills for every adult in the country. And, last year, the CDC declared opioid overdose to be an epidemic. Opioid abuse is a crisis among teenagers, too. Twenty-four percent of high school students admit to taking at least one prescription pain reliever, and 20 percent of teens admit to abusing prescription drugs before the age of 14, according to a 2012 survey at Drugfree.org. “There is great concern about the availability of opioids to teens,” says Dr. Jack Stein, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA). “Just as we are seeing a surge in overdoses, we are seeing a parallel surge in people seeking treatment for prescription addiction and another surge in prescriptions for opioids.” S t e p h e n J. Pa s i e r b , C E O o f Partnership for Drug-Free Kids agrees with Stein, “Medicine abuse—and opi-

oid abuse specifically—is the single greatest health risk to our kids.” So, how do you approach an opioid prescription? First, talk with your teens about appropriate role of prescription painkillers and their addictive nature. “Unfortunately, teens think they’re safer than street drugs because they’re packaged by pharmacists, prescribed by doctors, and available at home,” says NIDA’s Stein. But we need to let our kids know that too many teens are turning to heroin when access to prescription opioids runs dry. Heroin—also an opioid—is cheaper and easier to obtain. Teenagers should also understand that mixing opioids with alcohol is dangerous, if not lethal. Period. “Teens rarely use just one kind of drug,” Stein says. “They mix them with alcohol or marijuana, so it affects an array of organs.” The next step, check your medicine cabinet. “Teens are getting these pills from their own homes, or grandma’s house, or their friends’ houses,” Pasierb explains. “Opioids are overprescribed by physicians and oversupplied and paid for by insurers, while unused pills are just sitting around on the shelf.” There are three options for leftover pills: Store these medications where your teen can’t access them, dispose of them through a community take-back program, or discard them. According to FDA, most medicines should be

thrown in the trash (after mixing them with cat litter or coffee grounds), while others should be flushed. (To determine proper disposal, check this link: bit.ly/ unusedmedicine). Lastly, ask the pharmacist to fill only part of a prescription, which is what Sue did for her daughter’s pills. “I asked for five,” she says. “That seemed like plenty.” n

Common opioidS Generic name

Brand name

codeine

fentanyl

Duragesic

hydrocodone

Lorcet, Lortab, Norco, Vicodin

hydromorphone

Dilaudid, Exalgo

meperidine

Demerol

morphine

Astramorph, Avinza

oxycodone

OxyContin, Oxyfast, Percocet, Roxicodone

YOUR TEEN

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Keeping your teen in the game. When it comes to sports injuries, University Hospitals Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital Pediatric Sports Medicine has the most advanced diagnostic tools and treatments, nationally and internationally renowned pediatric sports medicine physicians, and a dedicated team of pediatric specialists – all devoted to caring for children and teens for the full range of sports and recreation-related injuries, including concussions. Now seeing patients in Solon! UH Solon Health Center 34055 Solon Road, Suite 200 Solon, OH 44139

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To schedule an appointment, call 440-914-7865.

Susannah Briskin, MD

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Mary Solomon, DO

ASK THE DOCTOR