E[ra]di[ca]ting Disease with Words My legs were really sore. I was hungry. But I didn’t dare complain to my mom; I owed her big time. Under any normal circumstances, I would have been tired too, but that night, my eyes were shimmering with anticipation, well prepared for the long hours ahead. I had been manning my spot at the front of the line for the past seven hours, and my ten-‐year-‐old legs were beginning to buckle. I know I’m far from the first kid to be bewitched by Harry Potter—indeed, I was one of hundreds of youngsters waiting in line—but as I devoured Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix that night, I couldn’t help but long for a world where I didn’t have to wait in line. A world where I could read the book over and over, draft upon draft, deleting words to which no one else would ever be privy (except Jo, of course). It was a world where my hunger could possibly, hopefully, maybe someday, be satisfied.
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:34 AM Comment [1]: I didn’t quite understand what the brackets were for. Could you please clarify? Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:34 PM Comment [2]: I wasn’t quite sure if the title directly tied to the actual purpose of the paper. Are you focusing on how you are influencing public health with the editing minor? Or why one should become an editing minor? Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:35 PM Comment [3]: Catchy hook! Could you use more vivid imagery to illustrate how sore your legs were/how hungry you were? Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:40 PM Comment [4]: Sudden tense change? “I knew I was far from the first . . .” Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:42 PM Comment [5]: This felt a bit out of place. I wasn’t sure if you were more excited about the book itself, not having to wait in line, or editing. (See comment 6.) Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:43 PM Comment [6]: I like the conversational nature of this, but will most readers understand the reference?
volumes of Anne of Green Gables and even through most of the Redwall books
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:38 AM Comment [7]: I felt like this paragraph contains two ideas—your love for Harry Potter, and your love for editing—but I wasn’t quite sure where the focus was supposed to be.
(featuring warring rats!) that were typically reserved for my male counterparts. My
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:43 PM Formatted: Font:Not Italic
need for all kinds of learning was certain, but my love for reading came first. I have
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:40 AM Deleted: had
Harry wasn’t my only infatuation. I worked my way through all eight
long appreciated the written word, but a minor in editing eventually helped me to figure out where and how I best fit into the world of effective communication.
As I grew older, this love for literature expanded into a deep curiosity for
nonfiction writing as well. Nonfiction books and journals became the bulk of my reading lists. Somehow it was just as easy to get lost in Freakonomics as it was in Narnia, and thus, I finally became a real “nerd.” My ambitions led me towards
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:42 AM Comment [8]: Maybe insert a comment about how you are working on an editing minor at BYU to fill in the time gap from when you were young until now. Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:43 AM Comment [9]: Consider “find my place in the world of . . .” Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:29 PM Comment [10]: Consider more explicitly stating your position on whether or not you would recommend choosing editing as a minor. Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:43 AM Deleted: So much so, that Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:43 AM Deleted: n
medical school, where I was sure I could make a difference—even if that meant leaving my deathly hallows behind. I declared my major as “physiology and developmental biology” and took a hoard of classes under similarly intimidating titles. I isolated chemical compounds, conducted research experiments on knee pain, and spectated surgeries, and I felt at home.
It was a few years later that I realized something was missing. As a
missionary in Russia, I witnessed overwhelming disease of the most tragic type— tragic because many of the diseases were entirely preventable. It seemed that every person I talked to had rickets, tuberculosis, or rotten teeth, but I was relieved to discover that some diseases could be prevented altogether. I became disenchanted with medical school, and upon my return to the United States, I immediately
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:44 AM Deleted: , Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:46 AM Comment [11]: Can you add more Harry Potter references here so readers unfamiliar with this book will understand the reference? Like “even if that meant leaving Harry, Ron, Hermione, and other childhood friends behind.” Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:45 AM Formatted: Font:Not Italic Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:44 PM Comment [12]: Clarify? Non-‐science readers might not understand what this means. Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:48 AM Deleted: that Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 9:50 AM Deleted: . Treating illness is admirable, Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:46 PM Deleted: thrilled
declared my new major as public health with an emphasis in health science.
Prevention of disease requires good communication; the public needs to
understand with absolute clarity what steps they must take, whether it means going outside more often to increase vitamin D intake or brushing their teeth for the very first time. I realized that I could actually use the books I read and the commas I loved to help people learn—even understand—something new. As a public health major, I doubted my acceptance (both formally and socially) into the editing minor, but I was welcomed enthusiastically on both accounts. I dreamed of combining my left-‐brain interests with my right-‐brain tendencies to become an advocate of healthy lifestyle via the written word. “Writing fails for reasons more serious than unclear sentences. We bewilder readers when we can’t organize complex ideas coherently” (Williams 3). In order to
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:11 PM Deleted: relies Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:11 PM Deleted: on Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:11 PM Comment [13]: To achieve what end? Good health?
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:13 PM Deleted: , Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:13 PM Deleted: , Margaret Willden 11/17/2015 8:18 PM Comment [14]: It might be interesting to elaborate on what these tendencies are for you personally. Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:39 PM Comment [15]: It’d be great to introduce this quote with some sort of context so it doesn’t feel so sudden. Consider a topic sentence about how the editing minor has helped you be a better writer.
transmit ideas regarding public health, I decided that I would master the principles found in The Chicago Manual of Style. Luckily, the copyediting and substantive editing classes offered at BYU drilled Chicago, The Global English Style Guide, and
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:16 PM Deleted: basic and substantive copyediting
Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace into my writing habits, helping me become comfortable in a field that was initially intimidating. I have been fortunate that my transition from pre-‐med to health writing and editing has been almost seamless. I have now contributed as an author and editor
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:16 PM Deleted: is Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:17 PM Deleted: in
for Healthy Utah Magazine, where my background in biology and chemistry has been just as essential as my new knowledge of participles and gerunds. My experience with Adobe InDesign and Photoshop, also acquired from classes in the editing minor, has enabled me to design posters, flyers, and brochures promoting
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:36 PM Deleted: E
health awareness. Carol Fisher Saller, editor for The Chicago Manual of Style, says that “[i]f we’re lucky, in the course of figuring out some strategies with our authors, our bosses, our colleagues, and ourselves, we might also happen to learn something more about getting along in life” (xiv). She’s right. In my limited experience as an editor, my writing style has been forced to quickly adapt to an ever-‐growing list of genres. As a contributing editor to a family finance textbook, I have learned to effectively communicate and work on a team with my fellow three editors. Challenges do come: when faced with tight deadlines, I have solved problems on my own and avoided relying on others for help. (Plus, I finally know the difference between who and whom!) These editing skills of mine have stretched and molded, pushing me and editing me into a better version than I was yesterday.
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:18 PM Deleted: I Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:39 PM Comment [16]: This is a great quote, and it might be more effective if you introduce it with a strong topic sentence about how the editing minor specifically taught you to adapt your writing. Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:19 PM Deleted: short year Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:19 PM Deleted: beginning Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:18 PM Deleted: actually Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:48 PM Deleted: Problems Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:18 PM Deleted: — Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:48 PM Deleted: working on a Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:20 PM Deleted: figured them out Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:21 PM Deleted: .
At first I was scared that I wouldn’t be good enough, and you might be too. “There’s no Platonic ideal for that document, one “correct” way for it to turn out, one perfect version hidden in the block of marble that it’s your job to discover by endless chipping away” (Saller 115). But these are unique circumstances—to be handed a chisel for use on someone else’s masterpiece. Though an editor must succumb to the backburner of praise when the project is finished, editing provides the sacred opportunity to be trusted with art, to become a part of that art. Learning to edit has profoundly changed the way I think about my public
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:24 PM Comment [17]: Maybe add some sort of context for this sentence like “There’s more than one way to succeed:” Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:21 PM Deleted: What Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:21 PM Deleted: ,
communication would be equally beneficial for any other area of study. For these
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:25 PM Comment [18]: I understand the meaning here, but it could be a little confusing to readers. Maybe say something like “Maybe we don’t get the byline, but we are blessed with the sacred opportunity . . . “
reasons, I wholeheartedly recommend the editing minor to those looking to enhance
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:26 PM Deleted: go
whatever field they are already pursuing. I look forward to contributing my global
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:27 PM Deleted: just as
health ideas and assignments, and I believe that this education of language and
editing skills to the realm of public health, where they can be used in the pursuit of a better quality of life.
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:27 PM Deleted: t
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:28 PM Comment [19]: Is there any way you could tie back to the intro about Harry Potter? It could make for a nice, snappy and clever ending and package up the paper in a memorable way. Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:31 PM Comment [20]: Consider adding more specifics on what the editing minor entails. You briefly mention some courses and some great experiences, but I feel like you could emphasize how many of your experiences were because of the editing minor at BYU.
Margaret Willden 11/16/2015 12:49 PM Deleted:
Works Cited Saller, Carol. The Subversive Copy Editor Advice from Chicago (or, How to Negotiate Good Relationships with Your Writers, Your Colleagues, and Yourself). Chicago: University of Chicago, 2009. Print. Williams, Joseph M., and Gregory G. Colomb. Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace. 10th ed. Boston: Longman, 2010. Print.
Margaret Willden 11/17/2015 8:16 PM Deleted: xiv, 115.
Margaret Willden 11/17/2015 8:16 PM Deleted: 3.