Riana Jane Youngken

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Riana Jane Youngken

I prayed for my heart to stop hurting Angels heard me and led me to the source Of repeated mistakes, self sabotage, Overlooked red flags and undervalued self

“You will not heal unless you let this die,”

Even though I knew it was right I wept for her I wept for a young girl who didn’t know that she deserved better For a young woman who didn’t know when it was time to walk away For all that she gave out of a fear of lacking

I mourned an ending I feared beginning again Afraid of learning to love myself After a lifetime of believing that it was hard to That I didn’t deserve to But I need to

I rise to meet the Sun every morning He finds a home on my skin and warms it with his stories I sit with the Earth She holds spaces for me to witness my body as one with all life I see my reflection in the moon She shows me that in every phase I remain In orbit around a world that loves me whether I am empty or full And a Sun that longs to illuminate my waxing and waning

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Riana Jane Youngken

I made myself believe that I belonged in a place where fog covets blue skies Where cold wraps around and pulls us together I wrote myself into a story that could never yield a happy ending I gave love that could never be reciprocated I held space for someone who could never hold me I know now that I went wrong When I tried to become warmth under your clothes Or fog to shield you from the sun Thinking that it’s okay that you don’t love easily Because I love a good challenge I see now that it was fated to end You shaped me in ways that you will never know or see You have said goodbye to me in my dreams Now I wake in sunshine That kisses my skin And warms me throughout and within Sunshine That loves me without hesitation And with perfect timing

Riana Jane Youngken is a Pinay based in Southern California. She is an Environmental Studies alumna of San Francisco State University and a former educator for Pin@y Educational Partnerships. She currently serves as a CAYEN Board Member and is working to establish herself as a writer. Instagram: @sadgrrlriri