Ennie-Marie Dacut Ilasco

Metanoia of a Catholic Fil-Am

Ennie-Marie Dacut Ilasco

I grew up in church at the heart of America, doodles of the crucifixion in crayon colors. They taught me about Jesus and He was the only thing I believed in. When I went to school and they asked what I am, they would furrow their brows. I was never Filipino to them, just someone who belonged to everyone else. A fallen Spaniard, Japanese resistance, the white American savior. I drank in Catholic mass and American liberty until I choked on the discovery of my ancestry. I was thirteen when I felt ashamed for not having an American heart. I was fifteen when I grew ashamed for not knowing our mother tongue. And I was eighteen when I developed shame for not reciting all my prayers. At the end of the day I sat in the corner putting together puzzle pieces that weren’t Me anymore. Was I built to split myself into various standards, into different identities? Would my soul be proud when I stared in the mirror unable to recognize myself? She came up from the glass and told me: close your eyes and let your bones rest. I am built from Adam’s ribs, crafted by the love of God. But-- I have Mayari’s blood. I have her moonlight glow; a heart that makes the sampaguita bloom. Eyes touched by Tala’s hands and my mama’s nose, brown skin, dark hair, and a touch of colonial ancestry. Can you be both the cross of Magellan and the spear of Lapu-lapu? Can you be both the mantle of Mother Mary and the crop of Lakapati? Can I find the balance between independence and interdependence? Or am I restrained, imprisoned by the idea of being “not Filipino enough”? Being a “fake Catholic”?

An “ungrateful American”? How long will I feel so apologetic for having my heart sculpted from different pieces? I am not Catholic because I have given up the parts of Philippines that history deemed unimportant-I choose to be Catholic because God and Bathala created a universe in which I can love freely and powerfully. They are mixed into one as all my identities have mixed and formed the mold of my very being. So from today forward I will no longer be weary from choosing one over the other. My feet will walk along the American dream, my heart will beat to the song of Jesus, and I will breathe in air the color of Maharlika.

Ennie-Marie Dacut Ilasco (xe/she), who also goes by the name Valentine, is a proud Filipinx-American university student, writer, artist, and multifandom collector raised on Tongva territory. Xe is currently working on multiple personal projects including multimedia art collections, a new blog, and more. You can find xem through her persona @tiniest.sheep on Instagram and her creative content at @tinysheepteahouse.