17 minute read
Lessons on Loneliness from Homer’s Odyssey
Introduction
Ms V Herrenschmidt (CR, Classics Department)
A silver lining of the global pandemic is that it has forced us to stare loneliness in the face. In doing so, many of us have realised how poorly we understand it.
One reason we do not hear about loneliness, recognise loneliness or understand loneliness very well, is that we do not know what it looks like. It does not only look like the person sitting on their own in Norwood, or the old man shuffling along the high street, struggling with the weight of his shopping. It can equally lurk behind an angry outburst, a rejection of someone’s company, or a wide fake smile posted on social media. Like the Lernaean Hydra1 - loneliness is a multi-headed monster that shows up in different ways, and, as research increasingly shows, leads to different types of mental and physical illnesses (including addiction and violent behaviour). How can we get better at recognising and addressing it?
One way is to Google it. A number of researchers have illuminated our understanding of the multi-faceted nature of loneliness: this piece of writing is heavily influenced by the research of Brene Brown2, Vivek Murthy3 , John Cacioppo4 and Julianne Holt-Lunstad5 .
Another way – and one which has stood the test of time – is to turn to the classical myths. For me, the magic of ancient storytellers lies in their ability to articulate, in the simplest terms, some of our most heartrendingly complex feelings. Homer offers many poignant lessons on loneliness in his epic poem, the Odyssey, first written in ancient Greek about 2,500 years ago. If anything, these lessons are a deep source of comfort and wonder when we feel time collapsing under the weight of our shared human experience.
I am going to delve deeper into the following five lessons from the Odyssey:
2. Isolation is not the same as loneliness. 3. It is the quality, not the quantity, of our connections that matters. 4. Low self-worth breeds loneliness. 5. Loneliness can make you sick. 6. Loneliness can be a force for good.
All passages from the Odyssey have been quoted in translation.6
Isolation is not the same as loneliness
The Odyssey is the story of a Greek hero’s journey home after fighting in the 10-year war at Troy. When the story opens, Odysseus has been trying to get home for 10 years, but has been relentlessly thwarted in his attempts by the god Poseidon (who is furious at Odysseus for blinding his son, the Cyclops Polyphemus). As the story opens, Athena is appealing to the king of the gods, Zeus, on behalf of Odysseus, her favourite hero. She says:
It is for Odysseus that my heart is wrung, the wise and unlucky Odysseus, who has been parted so long from all his friends and is pining on a lonely island far away in the middle of the seas.
Book 1 (48–51)
This lonely island refers to the island of the goddess Calypso, where Odysseus has spent the last 7 years as her lover. He has now grown tired of the relationship, but he cannot leave, as – significantly – Calypso will not allow it. Odysseus is therefore in isolation (a term we can now all relate to!) on Calypso’s island, and feels trapped.
It is important, however, to distinguish between isolation and loneliness. Vivek Murthy, a former surgeon general of the United States (2014–2017) who has recently published a book on loneliness7, provides a useful definition for both terms. Isolation is an objective term and a descriptor of the number of people around you, whereas loneliness is a subjective term pointing to the gap between the social connections that you need, and the social connections that you have.8 This helps us better understand Odysseus’ situation.
The cause of Odysseus’ painful loneliness – and the cause of much heartache during the current pandemic – is not simply the fact that he is isolated, although of course it limits the number of quality connections that he can form. The cause of his pain is the fact that he does not have the social connections that he needs. Athena emphasises this when she describes Odysseus as being on a ‘well-wooded’9 island with a goddess who loves him and speaks to him with ‘soft, persuasive words’10 and yet he ‘would give anything for the mere sight of the smoke rising up from his own land, [and] can only yearn for death11 . There is the potential for him to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with someone, but it is not the relationship that he needs.
The importance of the quality over the quantity of our connections is made explicit in the portrayal of Penelope, Odysseus’ wife, to whom the scene soon switches. She is at home, in the royal palace on Ithaka, and has been waiting for Odysseus’ return for the last 20 years; she does not even know whether he is dead or alive. Over 100 men are also staying in the palace, all vying to marry her to inherit the throne; and yet Penelope, surrounded by people, is desperately lonely. Indeed, she is characterised for the whole narrative as a faithful wife weeping for her husband. The extent of her suffering, and its rootedness in loneliness, is reinforced at the end of the story by the reverse simile - where Penelope, recognising her husband for the first time, is like a shipwreck survivor seeing the shore.12 You can be in the company of 1 or 100 people: loneliness will raise its unwelcome head if you are not able to form the connections you need.
I am sure that many readers can relate to the strange sensation of feeling lonely despite having 100 followers on Instagram, despite being surrounded by people in a classroom, despite being in the kitchen with loved ones at home. Researchers have provided some clarity on this phenomenon by suggesting that there are three dimensions of loneliness: intimate loneliness (the hunger for a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, or parent/sibling), social loneliness (the hunger for friends) and collective loneliness (the hunger for a community of people who share your sense of purpose).13 If we lack in one of these, we can feel lonely even if we have the other two. We can sit next to a loving parent in a car and still feel terribly lonely because we lack friends or a community to which we feel that we belong.
This helps us to better interpret Odysseus and Penelope’s emotions, in their respective contexts. However, in the Odyssey, Homer hints at another cause of loneliness, which is highly relevant today, and to which we shall now turn.
Low self-worth breeds loneliness
A powerful obstacle to Odysseus forming quality connections with others on his 10-year journey home relates to his sense of his own worth. Despite being described as a “lion-hearted” hero, Odysseus is in fact very insecure about his worth, which he believes is conditional upon his kleos: his reputation for glory. His insecurity comes out in his obsession with being famous for his heroic deeds. After blinding Polyphemus, he cannot help revealing his identity to the Cyclops by shouting out his name as he sails away from the island. When he is caught up in a life-threatening storm upon leaving Calypso’s island – stirred up by Poseidon, avenging his son – Odysseus is not as worried about dying as he is about dying unheroically and unnoticed. As his knees shake and his spirit fails him, he shouts out:
Three and four times blessed are those countrymen of mine who fell long ago on the broad plains of Troy in loyal service to the sons of Atreus. If only I too could have met my fate and died the day the Trojan hordes let fly at me with their bronze spears over Achilles’ corpse! I should at least have had my burial rites and the Achaeans would have spread my fame abroad. But now it seems I was predestined to an ignoble death.
Book 5 (305–313)
The third and most poignant example of Odysseus’ low self-worth and insecurity about his kleos plays out during his stay with the Phaeacians, a kind people whose royal family welcomed Odysseus, disguised as a beggar, into their palace after he washed up on their shores following the aforementioned storm. During a feast, Odysseus – still disguised – asks the bard of the royal court, Demodocus, to entertain them by singing of the story of the Trojan horse, a trick that Odysseus himself devised. This is the moment in which Odysseus will find out how much kleos he has, and therefore, in his eyes, how worthy he is as a human. When the bard begins to sing about the story in detail, Homer describes Odysseus’ reaction in one of the most moving and famous similes of the entire epic:
Odysseus’ heart was melting with grief and his cheeks were wet with tears that ran down from his eyes. He wept as a woman weeps when she throws her arms round the body of her beloved husband, fallen in battle in the defence of his city and his comrades, fighting to save his city and his children from the evil day. She has found him gasping in the throes of death; she clings to him wailing and lamenting. But the enemy come up and beat her back and shoulders with spears, as they lead her off into slavery and a life of miserable toils, with her cheeks wasted by her pitiful grief. Equally pitiful were the tears that now welled up in Odysseus’ eyes. Book 8 (522–532)
Homer is not explicit about the cause of this grief: it may simply be that hearing the bard sing about the Trojan horse took Odysseus back to a traumatic time of his life and stirred up devastating memories. However, given Odysseus’ concern with his kleos, the fact that he asked for this story to be recounted, and what he did and said next – his tears can be interpreted as tears of immense relief as his kleos is finally confirmed, and therefore so is his self-worth. After the bard has stopped singing, he stands up and introduces himself to the Phaeacians, saying:
I am Odysseus, Laertes’ son. The whole world talks of my stratagems, and my fame has reached the heaven. Book 9 (19-20)
Now that he believes in his self-worth, he gains the courage to let himself truly be seen.
Modern research on loneliness confirms the necessity of connecting with yourself in order to find the courage to be yourself with other people, and therefore connect with them in a meaningful way as they accept you for who you are. However, researchers stress that to form such healthy, fulfilling relationships, ‘connecting with yourself’ means believing that you are intrinsically valuable and worthy of love. It is no coincidence that the word ‘courage’ comes from the Latin ‘cor’, meaning the ‘heart’. Self-worth is not conditional upon any external factor: it forms in the heart, and manifests itself as courage to be yourself and, in doing so, to take a confident step out of loneliness.
However, many people today, just like Odysseus, judge their own self-worth on factors such as wealth, reputation and power. This is exacerbated by social media, which provides a competitive platform for the display and growth of all three of those factors, and endless comparisons between people. To navigate the media more successfully than Odysseus navigated the seas, it is essential for us all to simply understand that connection to ourselves comes first. This in itself is very powerful, because it enables us to observe our own interactions with people as a third party, to evaluate the quality of the connections we form, and to understand why we might still be feeling lonely.
The Odyssey also reminds us why we need to take loneliness seriously. Like the poisonous breath and blood of the Lernaean Hydra, loneliness has a profound effect on our health.
During his journey home, Odysseus gains access to the Underworld to speak to the dead prophet Tiresias, who knows what Odysseus must do to return safely home to Ithaca. Whilst there, Homer describes an extremely moving encounter between Odysseus and the ghost of his mother, Anticleia, whom he did not know had died. He bursts into tears upon seeing her, and Anticleia, after crying out in grief, explains that his father is still alive, but:
he lies in misery, with old age pressing hard upon him, and nursing his grief and yearning for you to come back. That was my undoing too; it was that that brought me to the grave. It was not that the keen-eyed Archeress14 sought me out in our home and killed me with her gentle darts. Nor was I attacked by any of the malignant diseases that so often make the body waste away and die. No, it was my heartache for you, my glorious Odysseus, and for your wise and gentle ways, that brought my life with all its sweetness to an end.
Book 11 (194–204)
This encounter raises an important point about loneliness: chronic grief and loneliness can have serious implications on a person’s health. This is supported by recent studies by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, who reports a higher risk of early death amongst the lonely, due to a number of factors including worse sleep, a weaker immune system, and more impulsive behaviour.15
Before Covid-19, this was a problem that particularly affected older people. In 2016, it was reported in a New York Times article entitled ‘Researchers Confront an Epidemic of Loneliness’ that in Britain and the United States approximately one in three people older than 65 live alone, and in the United States, half of those older than 85 live alone.16 A particularly concerning figure from research carried out by the British charity Age UK in 2015 showed that 17% of older people reported that they were in contact with family, friends and neighbours less than once a week, and 11% reported this contact was less than once a month.17 That same year, Age UK teamed up with John Lewis to create their touching Christmas advert ‘The Man on the Moon’, in which a little girl spots a lonely old man on the moon through her telescope, and sends him a gift at Christmas.18
Odysseus’ encounter with his mother raises another important point about loneliness: the powerful impact of touch. After Anticleia tells Odysseus that she died of a broken heart caused by his absence, Odysseus describes how he tried to hug her:
Without knowing whether I could, I yearned to embrace her spirit, dead though she was. Three times, in my eagerness to clasp her to me, I started forward. Three times, like a shadow or a dream, she slipped through my hands and left me pierced by an even sharper pain.
Book 11 (205–209)
He cried out to her:
Mother! […] Why do you not wait for me? I long to reach you, so that even in Hell we may throw our loving arms round each other and draw cold comfort from our tears.
Book 11 (210–213)
In January 2021, the Guardian published an article entitled ‘Lost touch: how a year without hugs affects our mental health’.19 It lays out fascinating research on the human need for touch. For example, Dr Katerina Fotopoulou, a professor of psychodynamic neuroscience at University College London, explains how our entire concept of self is rooted in touch from our earliest days in our mother’s womb, and that touch acts as a modulator that tempers the effects of physical and emotional stress and pain.20
Equally enlightening are the findings of Professor Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Oxford, who points to the similarity between humans and primates in having, on average, five friends whom we can call on as a shoulder to cry on, or (in the case of primates do their grooming together).21 He concludes that touch has a huge impact on our psychological and physical wellbeing. In a 2020 BBC and Wellcome Collection survey, the three words most commonly used to describe touch were ‘comforting’, ‘warm’ and ‘love’.22
It is not surprising, then, how moved we are as readers when Homer describes the hugs that Odysseus shares with his wife Penelope and son Telemachus when he is finally reunited with them after 20 years. Odysseus reveals himself to Telemachus first, who does not at first believe that this man is his father: after all, Odysseus left home when his son was just a baby. However, a few moments later:
Odysseus sat down, and Telemachus flung his arms round his noble father’s neck and burst into tears. And now a passionate longing for tears arose in them both and they cried aloud piercingly and more convulsively than birds of prey, vultures or crooked-clawed eagles, bereaved when villagers have robbed the nest of their unfledged young. So did these two let the piteous tears run streaming from their eyes. And sunset would have found them still weeping, if Telemachus had not suddenly asked his father a question.
Book 16 (212–222)
Later in the story, after killing all the men vying for his wife’s hand in the palace, Odysseus reveals himself to Penelope, who, just like her son, is at first unconvinced by this claim (so drastically had Odysseus’ absence and adventures aged him!). She devises a trick to test Odysseus’ identity, and when he succeeds and proves his honesty,
her knees began to tremble and her heart melted as she realized that he had given her infallible proof. Bursting into tears she ran up to Odysseus, threw her arms round his neck and kissed his head.
Book 23 (205–208)
She spoke a few words to him, and Homer describes Odysseus’ emotions as follows:
Her words stirred a great longing for tears in Odysseus’ heart, and he wept as he held his dear and loyal wife in his arms.
Book 23 (232–233)
These moving scenes shine a light not only on the primitive importance and healing powers of human touch, but also on a significant positive effect of loneliness: it reveals the power of human connection.
Loneliness can be a force for good
The late US neuroscientist John Cacioppo argued that loneliness played an integral role in the development of human society in compelling us to seek out our fellow humans: “The pain of loneliness, the dysphoria of loneliness and the hostility caused by loneliness are all because being connected is so integral to human survival.”23 In Odysseus’ case, loneliness and his desire to see his family again compel him to persevere despite the most trying conditions, and even cause him to reject the gift of immortality that Calypso offered him if he decided to stay with her. In response to this offer, Odysseus stated:
I long to reach my home and see the day of my return. It is my never-failing wish. And what if one of the gods does wreck me out on the wine-dark sea? I have a heart that is inured to suffering and I shall steel it to endure that too. For in my day I have had many bitter and painful experiences in war and on the stormy seas. So let this new disaster come. It only makes one more.
Book 5 (219–225)
Without loneliness, Odysseus might never have left Calypso’s island. Without loneliness, he might not have survived the terrible storms hurled in his way. In this way, the story of loneliness is a hopeful story that reveals the power of human connection.
Conclusion
When the global pandemic ends, and our lives return to normal, let us remember these important lessons on loneliness. Isolation is not the same as loneliness; it is the quality, not the quantity, of our connections that matters; low self-worth breeds loneliness; and loneliness can make you sick.
However, above all, let us remember the hopeful story of loneliness from the Odyssey. Let us not take human connection for granted, and let us make time for people, and the formation of real connections, in our daily lives. Only then can we be ourselves and fulfil perhaps our most important purpose: to give and to receive love.
Notes: 1 A serpentine water monster in Greek and Roman mythology, whose lair was a lake named Lerna in Greece, which was said to be an entrance to the Underworld. The Hydra had many heads, and poisonous breath and blood. For every head chopped off, two more grew in its place: https:// en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lernaean_Hydra 2 https://brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-vivek-murthy-and-brene-on-loneliness-and-connection/ 3 An American physician and former surgeon general of the United States (2014-2017). 4 https://www.ft.com/content/a09af2cc-ee42-11dc-a5c1-0000779fd2ac 5 https://www.apa.org/members/content/holt-lunstad-loneliness-social-connections 6 E.V. Rieu (1991) Penguin Books. ⁷ Murthy, V.H. (2020) Harper Wave. ⁸ https://brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-vivek-murthy-and-brene-on-loneliness-and-connection/ ⁹ Book 1 (51). 10 Book 1 (57). 11 Book 1 (58-59). 12 Book 23 (233-240). 13 https://brenebrown.com/podcast/dr-vivek-murthy-and-brene-on-loneliness-and-connection/and chastity. 14 A reference to Artemis, the ancient Greek goddess of the hunt, the Moon, and chastity. 15 https://www.apa.org/members/content/holt-lunstad-loneliness-social-connections 16 https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/06/health/lonliness-aging-health-effects.html 17 https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/reports-and-publications/later_life_uk_factsheet.pdf 18 https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=man+on+the+moon+john+lewis 19 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/24/lost-touch-how-a-year-without-hugs-affects-our-mental-health 20 ibid. 21 ibid. 22 https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000n5xx 23 https://www.ft.com/content/a09af2cc-ee42-11dc-a5c1-0000779fd2ac
