New Year new me: a guide to New Year resolutions

We are in full swing into 2023. In my opinion, the year truly begins in February.

January is full of the mandato new diets, desperately seeking one thing per day to be thankful for, or any of the other well meaning but wholly tiresome life changing activity they have chosen to start the year with.

February is definitely the better month because changing your life is hard. And doing what you’ve always done is easy.

So come February, most people are giving up the 4am crossfit, the ‘I only eat wholefood’ diet, and the ‘I’m going social media free’ and telling everybody all the time how good it is despite the fact that social media has deprived the popu-action skills and they don’t know how to take a human cated with on a face to face basis, so it kinda freaks everybody out. In February bettering ourselves once again becomes ‘something I’ll get around to’. And everything is normal. However, I myself have been drawn into the hideous New Year resolution pacts where by you must hold on to your resolution longer than your friends. Because bettering yourself is nice, but proving yourself to be better than your friends and loved ones is important. So here’s my advice should you find yourself in one of these situations. First, take any resolution you are thinking of making and add the words ‘try to’ at the start. So if your resolution is ‘lose 10 kg this year’, it becomes ‘try to lose

10 kg this year’. Or perhaps your resolution is ‘become vegan’ it is now ‘try to become vegan’. That way you can get away with it when you are inevitably caught eating a plate of bacon by saying ‘Hey… I’m trying’. You didn’t give up, you’re just making multiple attempts at it. And if you didn’t achieve in losing that weight or what ever it was, you still succeeded. Because your resolution was to try. My other tip, because you can only get away with the first one so many times, is to come up with something exceedingly trivial and mildly irritating. Such as pronouncing the letter G in words that contain the letter but it normally remains silent, like light, sign, and for you rich folk, Champagne. Or you could verbally count how many times people chew before swallowing. Perhaps, say out loud every street sign you see as you pass them. Or maybe even compliment everyone you meet on their ears. You will find that mildly irritating everyone is somewhat fun and not at all hard to do, so keeping it up is a cinch.

And when you fail to keep up your New Years resolution, as we all do, it will come as a great relief to all your remaining friends and family that none of them will give you a hard time about it. Nor will they ask you to do any New Years resolutions in the future.