4 minute read
How to Save a Failing Marriage
Lorin Scaiano
We’ve all been there. The husband is too nagging, the wife is too busy, the kids are annoying, the pants are too baggy, the marriage is over, and you want out! But wait, divorce isn’t the only option. There are many ways to save your marriage and even spice it up in the process.
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1. Stop cheating. It sounds like a stretch, but many people don’t like when their partner cheats on them. It can make them insecure and upset, and even cause them to lash out at you. They may say mean things they don’t mean, tell lies and keep secrets, or even insult your incredible fashion.
2. Buy baggier pants. People like baggy pants. Everyone looks good in baggy pants. They’re comfortable, fashionable, and have plenty of storage. A good pair of baggy pants is like a good marriage: comfy, modest, and very durable.
3. Try new things. If you’ve been stuck inside or simply haven’t had the time to go on a nice date
Christian Horoscopes
If you’re in . . . BUSINESS
Enjoy the luxury of having a Starbucks in your building while it lasts, because in the next “Emerging Beefier” initiative, administration will replace it with an Arby’s. If you protest enough, they may be willing to merge the two instead and introduce the Beef and Cheddar Frappuccino. Yum!
NURSING
Your sun and moon will converge today, resulting in a cosmic explosion that will decimate the universe. Congratulations! You caused the apocalypse!
Education
Did you know that Japan has created a robot teacher prototype? It’s time for the next generation of education: cyborg teachers. Go to your nearest trans-humanist surgeon and get yourself some fancy metal limb replacements. Get toasters for hands or vacuum cleaners for feet. Try headlight eyeballs or calculator teeth. It’s the only way to get ahead in this competitive employment market.
in a while, simply trying new things can often heal a broken relationship. Instead of staying in and watching Netflix, maybe go to a waterpark, comedy show, or cargo-pants shopping! It can add something new that neither of you knew the relationship needed.
4. Accept each other’s differences. No two people are perfect for each other—history has proven that time and time again. So whether you need to compromise by putting the toilet paper the wrong way to appease her, leaving a night light on to help him sleep, or buying a new wardrobe to accommodate the hundreds of new pairs of baggy pants your loving partner keeps impulsively buying because they are so comfortable, durable, and useful in everyday life, simply accepting each other for who you both are can lead to a more stable marriage.
5. Apologize. This is one people struggle with, but an apology is almost always the right answer.
Not some lame “I’m sorry” that both parties know isn’t genuine but a truly heartfelt apology. It may look something like “I’m sorry I said your dog is ugly. It was rude of me,” or “You’re right, I should have remembered your birthday. I apologize,” or even “I’m sorry. Sorry that you are such a doodoo poopyhead that you can’t even see how worthwhile my collection of oversized cargo pants is. And NO, I’m not hoarding them. It’s a collection. I don’t care if you’re taking the kids or the cat, you’re not laying a hand on my vintage Khols, my Ralph Laurens, or my Tripp NYC pants! They’re more important than you or this stupid marriage!”
It’s hard on everyone involved when a relationship is strained. Hopefully, with this simple guide I’ve put together, we can all heal—even those with incorrect opinions on what the right number of pants to own is.
HKIN
One of you will trip a fire alarm today. The methods are uncertain; perhaps you will kick an errant soccer ball, lean a little too far back, or simply breathe on it in a rude way. The good news is that once the fire department arrives, they will find the lucky offender so brilliant and attractive that they will offer them a job on the spot. That person will take it and eventually save Justin Trudeau’s grandchild, earning the adoration of millions. But then fame will get to their head, and they will fall into a pit of despair and addiction, and their wife will leave them, and their kids won’t talk to them anymore, and they’ll die alone in a seniors care center facedown in their mashed peas.
NATURAL & APPLIED SCIENCES
Did you forget to write that paper? Did you? Did you forget to write that silly paper? I bet you did, didn’t you? That seems like something you would do. Did you just leave that paper to keel over and die? Did you? Did you forget about that paper? It sure seems like you neglected that paper. Did you? Did you forget to write that paper?
Social Sciences
Contrary to popular academic belief, you should get ChatGPT to write your essays for you, only to keep them human you should tell it to write essays in the style of fanfiction. Include self-inserts, say that the essay is complete but forget to include the last paragraph, song lyric section headings, an angsty and sarcastic voice, strange spelling and grammatical errors—these and more are fun prompts you can feed ChatGPT to make your next essay on abnormal psychology a Wattpad/Ao3 masterpiece.
Humanities
Apparently Hootenanny will be Twilight-themed this year, so I predict you will have the best chance of winning a significant other if you all dress up as glittery vampires and take the stage singing “Supermassive Black Hole,” concluding the musical number by running into the audience and biting people. You will be extra attractive if you imprint on someone’s infant in the audience.
SAMC
In honour of the theatre department’s next production, You Can’t Take It With You, I think you should prove that sentiment correct by lobbying to close the department down.