Laterally Speaking By Humphrey Walwyn

Behind the Mask Laterally Speaking by Humphrey Walwyn

When I was eight, my favou- in the supermarket and everyone’s got a rite item of clothing was my mask on. A couple bump into you near ‘Zorro’ mask. Simple, black the frozen fish section and they both and elegant, I wouldn’t go anywhere turn their faces to you and say ‘Hello!’. without it. Kids’ parties, walking the Who on earth are these people? They dog, playing in the garden or even obviously know me but they might be going to bed—on went my mask and, that nice couple from number 27 or the in a flash, I was the bravest and finest new Honiton bank manager and her swordsman on the planet and invisible husband. I have no idea… and because to all the baddies! We’ve got masked I don’t immediately respond, they walk heroes like Batman, Spiderman and on and will forever think I’m the rudest the Lone Ranger and tortured masked person in Devon. villains like the Joker, Darth Vader, This problem can be used to your Phantom of the Opera and Hannibal advantage in reverse. You know how Lecter, although the latter’s mask was Girl with a pearl earring… and a forest green silk mask. Is she putting on a mask makes you strangely to stop him from eating other people smiling or not? invisible to others, just like me putting rather than conceal his identity! on my Zorro mask? Well, for the first

Masks can hide you or protect you from other people, or time in your life you can be extremely rude to people you don’t they can protect others from you and any germs you might be like when you’re wearing a mask. You can silently mouth all harbouring. In just a few months, we have now got so used to kinds of obscenities at them and pull rude faces but they will masks that it’s become completely normal to carry them wher- not know. They will probably think you’re smiling at them and ever you go. I pop them on and off in shops or public places say ‘Good Morning’ to you. This is strangely satisfying and without a second thought. Yes, they’re a bit of a bore and an exciting! Just make absolutely sure your mask fully covers your inconvenience, but they are now a part of day-to-day life and mouth! likely to be with us for many years to come—if not in perpetu- You could even go one stage further if you are brave ity. enough. Try walking into a shop with absolutely no clothes

So, rather than grudgingly put up with them, I feel we on except for your mask. Apart from causing considerable should embrace them joyfully and use them to our advantage. offence and an affront to public decency (and possibly getFor a start, face masks are a major new item of fashion and ting arrested), you’ll be OK because nobody will know who the biggest impact to boring old clothes for decades. I’ve seen you are. I’m not really promoting this idea as it is fraught with skeleton masks, smiley face, floral, cat and wild animal masks. danger. And please wear a boringly common light blue mask And they don’t have to be boring old light blue. Be inventive as somebody might recognise you if you wear your individual and go for colourful art or a meaningful message which has pirate disguise or President Trump mask. You could also much more impact than lacklustre phrases on a T-shirt. Text anonymously rob a bank I suppose, but I am not encouraging on a mask is literally “in your face”, or more correctly perhaps this either! “on your face”. My current favourites are “If you can read There are plenty of advantages to wearing a mask. Women this, you’re too close to me”, “Quarantine Queen” and a plain never need to put on lipstick. Men can hide their embarrassblack one with “This is my happy face mask”. ing designer stubble. Acne, spots and zits are never visible.

One potential problem is how wearing a mask makes us all The material will also partially disguise morning ‘bad beer more remote from each other as human beings. It’s impossible breath’ and nobody will ever annoy you again by saying ‘why to be 100% sure of anyone’s facial expression. Is he smiling or aren’t you smiling?’ as they’ll have no idea if you are or you is it a frown? Is she being friendly or disgusted? I know that aren’t. The only other downside is that talking through matethe eyes are supposed to tell us most things about a person, rial smothers your speech like cotton wool, but then since I am but it doesn’t work in practice. Seeing your eyes but not your increasingly deaf, I’m already asking everyone to repeat what nose or mouth conveys only part of the message where a pout they just said. can easily become half a grin. Perhaps we need hand signals But perhaps the best thing about wearing a mask is the as extra clues? Four fingers held up together means ‘I really am wonderful new sensation of liberation. You know… you’ve smiling, please smile back’. A clenched fist might mean ‘please been out shopping with your mask and finally get back halfgo away’—a bit like pictorial emojis added to a mobile text suffocated to your car. You close the door and remove your message. mask. The feeling of utter relief at being able to breathe again

Another problem is the failure to recognise people. You’re is fantastic!