Organising Nothing Laterally Speaking by Humphrey Walwyn
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’m sure you may feel the same, but it’s to work while looking after small children as if we’ve been locked down and out at home, you will have had precious little for ever. It’s almost a whole year since “spare time”. But for retired folk like this wretched virus took away our lives me, the lack of deadlines and absence of and our sanity. When it all started in appointments and other people makes March 2020, I remember saying it’d be time stretch into empty pages of—well— over by June. Or certainly by July. I think absolutely nothing! we all did… And then it dribbled on and I think I’ve become quite good at doing on through cancelled summer holidays nothing. In fact, you could say I’ve been and the end of August and a miserable binging on nothing, as well as bingeIs your diary for February looking a bit empty? nibbling Twiglets and especially binging October and of course everything was going to be normal again by Christmas… on ‘Call My Agent’ through Netflix—very And then it wasn’t. watchable and improves your French, particularly the rude When the first lockdown began, I had some grandiose words! Humans love order and structure, so you need ideas. If we were all going to have to stay at home, then at to organise your nothingness into different categories least I might achieve something useful like learn Spanish of absolute zero. My suggestion for sorting out nothing or write a book or take online jazz piano lessons… I could involves the three ‘D’s: Diary, Dining and Deaf Radio. even do an Open University course in History of Art or Diary: Right now, you’re feeling empty ‘cos there’s not something practical like woodworking. I might take up a much going on. There is nothing more depressing than new hobby such as Polynesian origami or basket weaving. I looking at lots of blank pages, so fill up your diary. Put could even become a Japanese food expert and give online in everyone’s birthdays and all the anniversaries that are Asian cookery classes from my own kitchen. But, no. I’ve worth remembering. Then put in all your online shopping done none of these things. It’s the whole lockdown mood delivery details, boring things to remember (car insurance, itself which seems to deaden most initiatives and leaves internet subscriptions etc) and then add weekly reminders me feeling inadequate and unsatisfied. to call friends and family members. Now, that looks better There were some boring jobs that needed doing around doesn’t it! You’ve suddenly got stuff that needs doing the house like clearing out the garage (long overdue) or, again. if that was too much like hard work, sorting out my sock Dining: Make every meal special. You can use your drawer and throwing away everything with holes. Since newly filled-out diary to inspire you. Oh look—today is this would have left me with no socks at all to wear, I the 14th anniversary of that wonderful holiday we had in chickened out and instead re-arranged all my shirts into Naples! Cook up a little tuna with artichoke caponata (not mood order (Cheerful, Funerial, Business Boring, ‘60s too many anchovies though…) And tomorrow it’s old Retro, Party Animal and Never Wear This). In the course Uncle John’s birthday! Cook a special meal in his honour. of which, I rediscovered 3 forgotten ties, an out-of-date You may not like stewed prunes and rhubarb, but he used American driving license, a bag of still edible toffees to love them even when the stringy bits got stuck in his from 1997 and a pair of long-lost underpants. This was false teeth… Bring out the candles. Have fun, be inventive encouraging because I had at least achieved something… and experiment a bit. My most ambitious lockdown task was to sort out my Deaf Radio: If you’re like me, you’re addicted to the DVD collection and catalogue them in A-to-Z alphabetical News. It is hugely disheartening to keep hearing the same order. It would be great fun if I watched each one for headlines hour by hour, day after day… the numbers of about 10 minutes (just to make sure they still worked OK). deceased, numbers of new cases both nationally and in my I would start with the African Queen and progress through local area… has it got to Honiton yet? Ooh—someone Alien, Amelie and Annie Hall. After a couple of months, I in Dorchester’s got it! This is SO DEPRESSING. Please, should end up with an assegai through my head at Zulu. turn off your radio. And the news on telly. Watch some Underpants apart, I don’t seem to have achieved any of David Attenborough programmes about penguins or my major lockdown projects. Of course, if you’re lucky something. Turn off the news. Click. See? Everything’s to still be working during the pandemic, or if you’re trying better already!
Tel. 01308 423031 The Marshwood Vale Magazine February 2021 17
