Keeping Memories Alive By Ninette Hartley

Keeping Memories Alive

National Bereaved Parents Day will take place on Friday July 3rd. Hosted by charity, ‘A Child of Mine’, it hopes to raise awareness of all parents who have lost a child of any age, under any circumstance. Ninette Hartley talks about the experience of losing her son and how she comes to terms with a void that cannot be filled.

“Well, he has a broken leg but that’s the least of his problems. He has suffered some trauma to his head. In this country we…how can I put it? …we would say he is brain dead.”

In the early hours of the morning, on the 13th of January 2011, my twenty-seven-year-old son Thomas, was rushed to intensive care in Porto, having fallen through a skylight whilst searching for somewhere to paint graffiti. I received a phone call from a doctor in the hospital, and when I asked her how bad it was she explained his injuries to me. Her

English was good, but I couldn’t quite take it in. I existed in a state of denial and numbness for a long time.

His death was a devastating shock for the family and for me. The loss of a child is something you can never ‘get over’ but I believe you can learn how to grieve and accept that they are gone. We talk about Tosh (his nickname) all the time and I often talk ‘to him’ when I’m out walking the dog, if

I want to tell him something important. I sometimes even discuss things with him.

After the accident, I began writing a letter to Tosh, but then left it sitting hidden in a file on my computer for several years. After revisiting it for my MA in creative writing in 2019. I decided that I should develop it into a full-length memoir, and my letter to Tosh became twenty-seven letters; written for the twenty-seven years that he lived. I chose the self-publishing route because I wanted to get Dear Tosh out in the world as a tribute to my son for the tenth anniversary of his death.

July is recognised as Bereaved Parents Awareness Month and the 3rd July is National Bereaved Parents Day. If you know anyone who has lost a child at whatever age, don’t be afraid to mention them to their loved ones. It doesn’t matter if you ‘don’t know what to say’ a kind understanding hug, a memory of them, anything you can think of to share with them. Bereavement is not a disease and parents who are mourning the loss of a child need to be able to talk about them. It is important for bereaved parents to be able to keep their lost ones alive in their hearts and share memories of them as often as they can. I have heard it said that you die twice, once when you leave this earth and the second time when people stop talking about you.

As I sat and wrote Dear Tosh during the latter part of 2020, it felt as though I were spending time with him; telling him about all the events that had happened in the family and the world since he left us. I found it therapeutic to write and even though it opened up the wounds of loss, it also helped me come to terms with so much that surrounds the loss of a child. There is a void in your life that cannot be filled. I liken it to the side being knocked off a building, which cannot be replaced, or a branch ripped irreparably from a tree. Something has gone and the pain lingers forever. They say when you lose a limb you can still feel it for years afterwards. I think losing Tosh is just like that. I can always feel him as part of me somewhere, and it aches.

This year, during July, if you know a bereaved parent, take a moment to call or write to them. Light a candle for their lost child and tell them that you’ve done it. It will make a big difference to their day.

Self-published in May 2021 by Horstead Books, Dear Tosh is available now from all local book shops, online from Waterstones and Amazon. It is also available to download as an eBook and audiobook. For more information please visit ninettehartley.com.

Ninette Hartley BA MA is a writer, mother, grandmother, wife and teacher. She has followed many paths—from acting and dancing to magazine publishing, and even driving a pony and trap— but she has always returns to storytelling. Ninette has an MA in creative writing from Exeter University. After eight years living in rural Italy, in 2016, she moved to the Dorset countryside with her husband, Geoff, and beloved rescue dog, Jpeg. Dear Tosh is her first memoir.

Tosh