Also this
month we ALL get a bit
DAFT
Plus:
Christine Livingston’s
take on life
coaching and many more!!!
ISSUE 2
CONTRIBUTORS
THE LIFESKILLS MAGAZINE
AYO OLANIYAN LSM EDITOR Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive Life Coach. He is also an Accredited Professional Counsellor with the Counselling Society United Kingdom. He writes on how you can discover purpose through personal development and self awareness.
MATT JEFFERY LSM PUBLISHER & DESIGNER
PUBLISHER MATT JEFFERY matthew.jeffery@live.co.uk EDITORIAL AYO OLANIYAN discoveringpurpose.co.uk CONTRIBUTORS ROBERT TWOMEY EVAN HADKINS CHRISTINE LIVINGSTON STEVE AITCHISON PATRICIA BECHTOLD CHERYL PARIS ART MATT JEFFERY matthew.jeffery@live.co.uk ADVERTISING AYO OLANIYAN discoveringpurpose.co.uk HOW TO REACH US Ayo Olaniyan discoveringpurpose.co.uk twitter.com/discoverpurpose facebook.com/discoverpurpose ayo@discoveringpurpose.co.uk
Matt Jeffery is a multi qualified lead designer working on behalf of several London based clients. He works alongside Ayo Olaniyan to turn Ayo’s creative thinking into a creative magazine for you all to enjoy.
ROBERT TWOMEY LSM CONTRIBUTOR Cordial and positive to an almost delinquent degree, he finds peace within through the forms of listening to music and creating elemental prose. However, his demeanour is one of outgoing vibrancy with a passion for achieving, regardless of boundaries, and ensuring the well-being of those around him.
EVAN HADKINS LSM CONTRIBUTOR A blog for passionate, eclectic, intuitive types who believe that the world is too complex to be put in a box and wouldn’t have it any other way. He has a free report (living with authenticity called It’s Not About Success) and a free newsletter on personality and relationships. He would love to hear from you.
CHRISTINE LIVINGSTON LSM CONTRIBUTOR Christine Livingston coaches and writes for professional people, who are facing some kind of crisis or loss of meaning about work, inspiring and supporting them to use their experiences as opportunities for profound life transformation. She’s a Chartered Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development; a registered member of the United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapy; and holds a Certificate in Coaching. She blogs at www.adifferentkindofwork.com.
STEVE AITCHISON LSM CONTRIBUTOR Steve was born and raised in Scotland, UK and stays in the west of Scotland with his wife and two sons. He works as an addiction worker, counseling clients with alcohol and drug addictions. He is also a blogger as well as the author of 100 Ways To Develop Your Mind.
PATRICIA BECHTOLD LSM CONTRIBUTOR Patricia is a Life Coach, Life Transitions Counselor, and Relationship Coach in Sacramento, CA. She works with people who are tired of the status quo, and yearning for more meaning and adventure in their lives. With a master’s degree in counseling and training in life coaching and depth psychology, she is passionate about helping clients dive deep to claim their true stories.You can visit her at her website, bechtoldlifework.com, or stop by her blog, whynotstartnow.wordpress.com.
CHERYL PARIS LSM CONTRIBUTOR
Entire contents © 2010 by Life Skills Magazine unless otherwise noted on specific articles. All rights reserved.
2 magazine March 2010
Cheryl Paris is a Blogger, Stress Coach and Internet Marketer. She started blogging to support the mainly female Social Care professionals with actionable tips and resources rather than just ideas. Cheryl Paris Blog is your go-to source for stuff to help you stop the “stressing about caring”. Breaking it down for you; making it simpler than ever to have more natural highs while keep your personality.
tent con ISSUE 2
MARCH 2010
the beginning P.04
WELCOME
P.06
USEFUL WAYS TO BECOME DAFT
P.12
An introduction to Life Skills magazine
Determined, Authentic, Focused and Thankful
HOW TO MAKE COACHING WORK FOR YOU
Christine Livingston talks about the commitment required of a life coach
P.16
INTERVIEW WITH JAMES RICHMOND (THE INFOPRENUER) Ayo talks the talk with the owner of TheInfoPreneur.net
P.20
WHEN SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING; SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE
Enjoy the contents of the second edition of Life Skills Magazine and discover your purpose today.
the end P.24
50 WAYS TO FACE YOUR FEARS
P.28
WHO
A list of ways to stop running from you fears but start facing them head on
Another classic poem from Robert Twomey
P.30
10 QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Ask these questions for life improvement
P.34
YOUR INNER MAGICIAN
Patricia Bechtold speaks of our inner powers
p.38
6 SPECIAL TIPS TO MOTIVATION
Cheryl Paris gives tips to get your motivation back up to full strength
Evan Hadkins on positive life changes
16 JAMES RICHMOND We have the exclusive interview with the Infoprenuer.
3 magazine March 2010
ISSUE 2
LIFE SKILLS
4 magazine March 2010
IWELCOME
MAGAZINE Welcome Welcome to the very second edition of The Life Skills Magazine. It is a collection of personal development and life style articles from various personal development bloggers. This magazine will cover various topics centred on promoting and increasing the level of your self awareness as well as enhancing your life skills. It creates an avenue for discovering purpose in various life activities or experiences. It also attempts to break down into simple units, nuggets for daily living and increase your level of self awareness/discovery.
It is my belief you would find this constructive. Happy Reading.
March 2010 magazine 5
BECOME DAFT
FEATURE
USEFUL
WAYS TO BECOME DAFT
Gotcha!!!!! Hee.. Hee!!! It’s one of those days were there’s a bit of wordplay hovering round my head. Forgive me if this title upsets or offends you; it wasn’t my intention to do so. Please Note: This article is strictly for personal development and the word DAFT is an acronym for D-Determined A-Authentic F-Focused and T-Thankful, so the topic should now be read as Useful Ways To Become Determined, Authentic, Focused and Thankful. The aim of this post is to turn the searchlight on these factors which I believe will enhance your personal growth and development. The post in context:
D) Determined/Determination This involves defined intentions in order to arrive at certain decisions for achieving success. It can be achieved by: Being Consistent: Learn to deal with
6 magazine March 2010
procrastination, self denial, discouragement….. .. by showing consistency in your character, decisions, mode of communication, conversation and way of living. Thinking Carefully: Approach important decisions with caution. Think carefully about the risks involved before going ahead with it. Avoid being pressurized into doing things against your will. Try as much as possible to gain control of your emotions and not be easily influenced by the negative environments/conditions around you. Seek wise counsel where necessary. Managing Your Time Effectively: Proper time management is essential for accomplishing any task. It allows you keep track of your progress and as a result motivates you to success. Defining Your Goals: Break down your goals into simple but manageable units which can be achieved easily.
March 2010 magazine 7
LIFE SKILLS
8 magazine March 2010
BECOME DAFT
Starting with the easier goals could give you the momentum required to tackle harder goals and achieve them. Stick to your goals, work hard at it and imagine the number of opportunities that can be achieved when you turn out successful. .
A) Authentic Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines the word authentic as being true to ones own personality. It is not false or copied but genuine and real. Here are a few ways to be authentic: Know who you are: Know who/what you are, where you come from, your background and upbringing. Know who/ what you represent. If you fail to acknowledge and gather understanding about whom you are, what your talents and skills are…. it may be difficult accomplishing anything in life or becoming motivated to making progress in your life. Wake up and smell the coffee, stop living in someone else’s shadows. Choose to live life for the right reasons. Show accountability: Take responsibility for all your actions either positive or negative. It fosters your personal growth and development. If you can; know what to say, when to say, how to say and when to do what you say. Display integrity, be known to keep your words, promises and show some responsibility. Fight your obsessions: The word fight is used to emphasize the importance of dealing with your obsessions. Obsessions could be catastrophic if not managed properly. Handling your obsessions properly reduces the risk of falling into dangerous addictions such as excessive spending, shopping, gambling, sex, drug abuse etc.
few people who can be totally annoying and energy drainers but my focus isn’t to resolve those kinds of relationships rather, it’s to remind you of the basic attitudes in relating with people such as forgiveness, compassion, understanding…. When you build your tolerance level, you create an opportunity for building positive relationships. Keep your ego in check: This is a very important factor in being authentic. Your huge ego could prevent you from building good or lasting relationships. It could also get in get in your way of progress. Try as much as possible to keep a TAB on your ego.
F) Focused This involves placing emphasis or concentrating on the things, habits or actions required to bring about success. It can be achieved by: Understanding Your Vision: It is important you find out, understand and clarify what your vision really is. Understanding your vision helps in identifying your long or short term goals which aids in discovering your life’s purpose. Formulate Your Daily Goals: Come up with a plan for achieving success. List all the necessary elements involved in bringing about the desired level of success. Setting objectives are the steps you take in order to reach your goals Prioritize: Learn to prioritize your daily activities moving from simple to complex and from those with more importance to those of less importance. Don’t Be Afraid Of Failing: Understand failures will occur and it’s an opportunity to show some improvement.
Be Tolerant: I know there are quite a
March 2010 magazine 9
LIFE SKILLS
BECOME DAFT
Learn to work with and keep to deadlines: Have goal oriented targets that are feasible and realistic. Deadlines keep you focused, create a target driven mentality and above all gives you reasons for making progress. Build Positive Relationships: Learn to connect with people of like minds who understand and appreciate the value you place on your goals. Curb your distractions: There are so many things crying out for your attention. Just switch on the television and you would see what I mean. Be very selective of what you get involved in and learn to create a productive environment which yields positive results enhancing your personal growth and development. Celebrate your achievements: Feel good about how much progress you’ve made and what steps were involved in getting you there. Celebrate your achievements no matter how little they seem.This is an important factor in getting you motivated to do something again.
T) Thoughtful This involves showing concerns for the rights and feelings of others. Theodore Roosevelt states; Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind. The effects of being thoughtful affects a persons life in a positive and meaningful way.
10 magazine March 2010
Below are guidelines for being thoughtful:
• Learn to be humble and show modesty in all your endeavours.
• Show love and be charitable
without ultimately expecting any thing in return.
• Think about what you say or do and how it might affect others.
•Show a bit on consideration when doing things.
•Don’t do things or take certain actions to your detriment emotionally, physically and spiritually.
•Flash a loving smile; say a
pleasant word to someone.
•Show politeness •Remember to say please, excuse me and thank you.
•Send cards or gifts to friends and family.
•Do things that could help
others or brighten their days.
A quick reminder: the aim of this post is to highlight a few ways to be determined, authentic, focused and thoughtful. There are other examples; it would be great to hear from you. I look forward to your comments and suggestions.
Ayos’ Profile Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive Life Coach. He is also an Accredited Professional Counsellor with the Counselling Society United Kingdom. He writes on how you can discover purpose through personal development and self awareness.
March 2010 magazine 11
LIFE SKILLS
COACHING
How to make
coaching work for you by Christine Livingston
12 magazine March 2010
Although coaching is a growing industry, there are still only a relatively small number of people who’ve actually benefited from it by availing themselves of its services. Which can make it difficult to know what to expect if you’re an intrigued and willing client.To make it easier for you, here’s a list of things to watch out for and think about. Make sure there’s good chemistry. The relationship you form with your coach is fundamental to its success. So, your coach needs to be someone that you feel you’re going to get along with. A good coach will make sure they give you both support and challenge. They’ll be someone that you feel both “gets” you and your issues, and is also capable of asking you the right kind of questions and offering you the right kind of insights to move you along.Take time to check people out, either by subscribing to their blog and engaging with their
comments to begin with, or by asking to have an initial brief telephone conversation or face-to-face meeting with them. Many coaches will, in any case, offer a brief chemistry session at no charge. If your company is sponsoring your coaching, be sceptical if HR offers you no choice as to who will coach you. And check out the contract between you, your firm, and the coach on confidentiality. You want to be sure that what you discuss with your coach remains between you and your coach. There are some unscrupulous coaches who abuse their power and give inappropriate feedback to the person who’s paying if it’s not you. Don’t leave it to chance. Own the process. It’s YOUR life, not your coach’s.Take charge of the work you’re doing with your coach and don’t hand them the responsibility for it. Good coaches won’t, in any case, let you. And avoid the kind of coach who wants to hold the reigns, or who has an off-theshelf, cookie cutter process they’re going to put you through. Expect to pay. Signing up with a coach should be an important decision in your life, requiring a significant investment of time, effort and money. The money you spend on coaching should be sizeable enough to make you think about whether you’re going to pay it or not. Deciding that you’re going to go for it and spend the money should make you feel good and that the money you’re spending on yourself is worthwhile. That’s true whether you, or a company, is funding your coaching.
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LIFE SKILLS
COACHING
Make a commitment.
Make coaching a priority.
As a coach, I make a commitment to do my best in the service of the people I work with. In other words, I put my heart into it. When that energy is met by a client bringing themselves wholly to the process, the alchemy of coaching comes alive. If you are ambivalent about coaching, you’re wasting not just your own time but your coach’s. Think about it.
For the time that you are doing coaching, make it the most important thing in your life. This means that, if you have scheduled a session with your coach and a work or social thing comes along, you should postpone the work or social thing, not the coaching. Cancelling coaching means you are not taking yourself or it as seriously as you need to, and so its ability to work for you is diminished.
Have clear goals. Good coaching is ultimately about making change happen and realizing particular outcomes. Before you even begin coaching, think about what you want to be different as a result of your investment in the process. What do you see yourself doing at the end? What are you going to be thinking? How are you going to be feeling? The best coaches will make goal setting a vital part of the coaching process, but if that’s something your coach is woolly about, be sure to articulate your own right at the outset. Schedule sessions regularly. If you want to see real movement and traction from your work with your coach, get sessions booked in the diary at regular intervals. What “regular” means will vary from person to person and depend on what you’re working on, and on what you contract with your coach. Might be weekly or monthly. In fact the frequency might change over the course of a coaching programme. The point is always to know when you’re going to be next checking in with your coach.
14 magazine March 2010
Work between sessions. If you’re really motoring in your coaching sessions, you’ll notice all kind of inner shifts going on. This is great! And, you need to be taking what you’re learning from coaching and putting it into practice in your life. It’s that inner-outer dynamic that makes real change happen and allows you to see movement in your life. Be yourself with your coach. Interact with your coach like you would anyone else in the world. Don’t put your coach on a pedestal. If they require to be on a pedestal, move on. Stick with tough stuff. Sometimes the going will get tough in coaching. You might find you’re struggling with something, or that something your coach has said has struck a nerve. Don’t swallow it or back out of your next session. Good coaches know how to engage with you at such times in a way that can lead to the most amazing breakthroughs.
Know when you’re done. Coaching support is brilliant when you’re working with the right person who’s helping you navigate significant change or growth. But when you’ve achieved that, move on. By all means, keep up the relationship so that you can call upon your coach to help you with a specific challenge you’ve encountered. But don’t make the mistake of dragging something past its
sell-by, or by becoming overly dependent on your coach. In any case, good coaches have the inner confidence and grace to be able to tell you when you are flying very well, all by yourself.
What about you? Have you been a client of coaching? What has and hasn’t worked for you? I’d love to know!
Christine’s Profile Christine Livingston coaches and writes for professional people, who are facing some kind of crisis or loss of meaning about work, inspiring and supporting them to use their experiences as opportunities for profound life transformation. She’s a Chartered Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development; a registered member of the United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapy; and holds a Certificate in Coaching. She blogs at www.adifferentkindofwork.com.
March 2010 magazine 15
LIFE SKILLS
JAMES RICHMOND
James Richmond
The Interview 16 magazine March 2010
Ayo: Please tell us a bit about who you Ayo: When did you first become are and what you do?
interested in blogging and why?
James: I’m James Richmond a twenty
James: I only started the site 4 months
something family guy who has a full time job (60hr week) and I own TheInfoPreneur.net
ago because I was sick and tired of reading the same old drivel about how to create a popular website, I want to show people that it can be done in a different way and done quickly.
Ayo: Any favourite food? James: Steak, Chilli Ayo: Any favourite music, movie, program?
James: Music wise I love anything old school dance or trance, loving the dub step scene at the moment and anything with ‘lil wayne or alicia keys.
Ayo: Tell us a bit more about your experience in the military?
James: I joined straight from school and served all over the world in a few different roles. I finished my time as a Physical Training Instructor, I was responsible for training the marathon team, ultra-marathon team and the boxing team. I spent 10 years serving and I absolutely loved it.
March 2010 magazine 17
? ? ? ? LIFE SKILLS
JAMES RICHMOND
Ayo: Why did you join?
Ayo: Do you think Page rank is important for a
James: To stop going to prison and getting killed, blog? full stop. I didn’t have a great upbringing and needed James: Page rank, alexa ranking is a benchmark a way out, the military gave me that option.
Ayo: Now to blogging, did you start with the purpose of making money on your blog?
James: No not at all I just wanted to show people that you can create a popular website or business quickly without any money.
Ayo: How many hours do you dedicate to them every day?
James: on average probably around 5 or 6 hrs a
day is spent working on the site, whether that be writing content, promoting or helping readers.
Ayo: Do you fall into a niche or you don’t believe in niches?
James: The site has been up for 4 months! Still
a baby but has over 5,500 comments on it, I hate the word niche just because it feels like I’m being pigeon holed. I’m not sure really the site is motivating and it talks about building traffic etc.
Ayo: What do you find most challenging about blogging?
James: The time you have to put in. It’s easy work compared to some jobs but the hours you have to put in is ridiculous if you really want to make it.
Ayo: How have you transformed your blog?
James: Hours and hours of work. You’ve got to
constantly deliver, Like this interview Ayo, I’m so stretched for time but I’m doing it to provide another avenue to speak to people, If you have your head down typing at your computer all day you will miss the opportunities and your readers walking right past you.
Ayo: How do you keep coming up with material/ content for your blog?
James: The key for me is not stopping. I honestly
think if you stop writing you will struggle to pick up the pace again, I write a lot, it’s why the site is growing so fast.
18 magazine March 2010
for your site but it does NOT affect anything to do with your site or business. You can have a site that is more popular than facebook, but if your product or content sucks that PR won’t matter one bit.
Ayo: Which is the most important; Content, SEO, Traffic, Readers?
James: Content, Readers, SEO, Readers, Traffic,
Readers. Without your readers you are no one, they put you where you are so for me readers are so important.
Ayo: If someone was interested in blogging, what would you advise?
James: Write and promote write and promote, simply believe in what you are doing and keep doing a lot of it.
Ayo: What would you say is the most memorable experience you’ve had for now?
James: David Risley recently did an interview for
Robb Sutton,David said I was an inspiration to him and compared me to Gary Vaynerchuck which for me was a fantastic compliment.
Ayo: I quite agree with the comparison, infact I’d say you are Britains own version of Gary Vaynerchuck. What’s your take on it?
James: Gary Vaynerchuck is an inspirational guy
for sure. I have never met him, but I like his work ethics. I guess people compare us because of the hours we put in. I personally advocate replying to everyone and everything.Your readers put you and your site into a high position, so you’ve got to look after them. I survive on about 5hours of sleep a night; sometimes less, in order to get work done. I make sure I respond to everything within reason. I think it’s cool people are comparing us, I guess we are similar in a lot of ways except I’m way better looking than he is, so he could be the American version of James Richmond ha! ha! only joking.
? ? ? ? Ayo: Any tips for existing bloggers aspiring to
site. From there you can do anything.
be pro bloggers?
Ayo: If there was one phrase you could come
James: Write and promote. Write tons of
up with what will it be?
content and promote the hell out of it.
James: ‘You are already dead, anything you do
Ayo: You always emphasize on working hard on is a bonus’ this goes back to my military days. Just your blog......
James: Because you have to! You can’t make
this by doing 4hrs a week; you have to put in the hours. It’s the only way to succeed.
think about it, you are already dead.You can accept it and either cry yourself to sleep or make sure you are remembered!
Ayo: Do you rest or relax at all?
Ayo: How have you developed the
James: Not really I work a 60hr week and then
community on your blog?
work on the site too so I probably get 4 or 5 hrs of sleep a night or day depending on my shifts, It has to be done, no such thing as a 4hr week and as for relaxing, I’m always on the go, very rarely stopping. I like to spend time with my family but that (as any parent knows) is rarely relaxing although very enjoyable.
James: By replying to every comment and
visiting other sites. Having a forum like comments section on a site is key to getting it popular, but once you have your family on the site you need to make sure that family welcomes others. It’s really important to me that the readers talk to each other as well as me.
Ayo: In one of your posts you blogged on
cockiness and arrogance, do you see yourself as one and is it necessary or unimportant for daily living?
Ayo: Do you have any goals you would want to share with us?
James: Yeah sure I will be making a full time living from the site this year, hopefully in a couple of months, that’s my goal.
James: Being cocky or arrogant in the large Ayo: In one word who is James? part is all a perspective. One man’s arrogance is James: TheInfoPreneur. another man’s confidence, but I don’t see myself as this uber web guy who’s going to be the next Pete Cashmore. I openly admit I’m a dumbass, I have dyslexia and an IQ of 94 but what I do have is passion and fire in my belly to talk about this stuff and my techniques aren’t for everyone. What I do now and how I do it clearly works.
Ayo: Thanks for granting this interview James
James: Anytime Ayo, I enjoyed it if you or your readers need any help just give me a shout.
Ayo: From your life experience, what would you say to someone needing encouragement, feeling low and not motivated?
James: Look around you turn the TV on, you
Ayos’ Profile
are not in a war zone trying to raise a family, everyone you know wasn’t just killed instantly. Pick yourself up and realise (not just think) that you are better off than most. If you are struggling to take your business or website forward then you need to do something no matter how small, even if it’s tidying the shop floor or backing up your
Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive Life Coach. He is also an Accredited Professional Counsellor with the Counselling Society United Kingdom. He writes on how you can discover purpose through personal development and self awareness.
March 2010 magazine 19
LIFE SKILLS
CHANGE
When Something Is Not Working;
Something Has to
Change
20 magazine March 2010
March 2010 magazine 21
CHANGE
LIFE SKILLS
This is the ‘bad news’ about wanting to be happier, wanting our lives to be better – something has to change – our behaviour, habits, lifestyle, choices, relationships – somewhere something has to change. If we keep doing the same things in the same ways we will get the same results. It sounds obvious and is. And yet . . . At some level I think all of us want things different without anything changing. And criticising ourselves for it doesn’t help in my experience. It’s easy to be ashamed of this reaction. It’s embarrassing – it is foolish thinking after all. I suspect few of us want to own up to this kind of childishness (including the one typing this). I’m a bit uncomfortable with this reaction though. Do we really want to be so resolute? This can easily become a harshness and impatience. I don’t see being unkind to ourselves as a virtue – any more than being unkind to others is. Perhaps it is better to recognise our regret. Our feelings may have important information for us. If we need to give up a favourite indulgence to lose weight (if you think this is important for your health) then perhaps we need to listen to our sadness. Perhaps we need to replace the indulgence with something that both feels good and is good for us. It is easy to judge the child-like part of us for not thinking well. But then, children are like that. We don’t want an eight-yearold running our life, but being nasty to an eight-year-old is nothing to be proud of. If we listen to our reluctance and regrets I think we can also gain insight into why we do what we don’t want to do. A friend of
22 magazine March 2010
mine wanted to give up smoking. He had tried many times. In thinking about what smoking did for him that nothing else did, he found that it was time out. It was the only time he gave himself a break. He was much more successful in stoppiing smoking once he could take time out without the cigarettes. I think if we can listen to our reluctance and regrets we can learn valuable lessons. When we listen to our reluctance and regrets we can perhaps gain insight into why we do what we don’t want to do. Listening to the part of us that doesn’t want to change can help us change. Our unwillingness to change can also help us get specific. We don’t want to do a particular thing – give up the smoking break, that favourite food or relationship. This can assist us to know what the first step on the journey is.To find another way to take a break, exchange one particular food or relationship for another. I think we can be both resolute and kind, insightful and merciful. Here’s a summary of how to change in a way that takes account of our reluctance.
•What is the change we desire? •What is it’s motivation?
(Once you know this you may decide to not pursue the change. Eg. losing weight to look like a supermodel may not be realistic – it sure isn’t for me! Even if realistic it may not be desirable – do we really want to dance to another’s tune to this extent?
•What is the resistance
(reluctance, regret, sadness . . .)?
•What is the information this has for me?
•Do I wish to change what I want
changed or how I wish to go about making the change? What’s the first step?
•
Have you found resistances like regrets and sadness when you have set out to make positive changes in your life? Have you found it useful to take account of these. I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.
Evan Hadkins Profile Evan’s blog is www.wellbeingandhealth.net A blog for passionate, eclectic, intuitive types who believe that the world is too complex to be put in a box and wouldn’t have it any other way. He has a free report (on living with authenticity called It’s Not About Success) and a free newsletter on personality and relationships. He would love to hear from you.
March 2010 magazine 23
LIFE SKILLS
FACE YOUR FEARS
0 5
e c a f
o s t r s a y e a
w ur f yo
24 magazine March 2010
We face many situations and circumstances that give rise to fear. Can they be avoided? I don’t think so, but I am certain they can be managed. Although fear has its purpose which is; allowing us approach life with caution in certain areas, it also keeps us from improving our lives. The aim of the post is to suggest ways to face your fears. In no particular order, here are ‘50 ways to face your fears’.
1. Stop running away and face your fears boldly.
2. Know your fears and find various ways of resolving them.
3. Study the pattern/Find out/ Trace when and how they occur.
4. Be open and honest about your fears. 5. Don’t ignore your fears. 6. Break them down into smaller units. 7. Be determined to find a resolution. 8. Avoid throwing a pity party or playing the victims mentality card.
9. Have a positive attitude to life. 10. Don’t give yourself such a bad time. Avoid being too hard on yourself.
11. Reduce the level of your anxieties and worrying
12. Stop living in self denial. 13. Be encouraged and learn to celebrate past victories
14.
Have hope believing you would conquer difficult situations.
15. Embrace and accept change where necessary
16. Resist to the urge to turn to dangerous practices such as drug abuse, alcohol abuse in order to find a relief.
March 2010 magazine 25
FACE YOUR FEARS
LIFE SKILLS
17.
It’s difficult, but find a bit of humour when going through difficult times.
18. Accept that you must go through difficulties in life.
38. Stay clear from negative talk, thoughts, people because this only makes you get worried.
39. Develop a spiritual life by praying,
meditating, studying etc. 19. Build your level of self confidence. 20. Be daring, take some risks, make some 40. Empower yourself with various bold moves.
inspirational and motivational materials.
41. Be prepared so you are not caught 21. Get some motivation in your life. unawares. 22. Monitor your blood pressure. You don’t 42. In instances were you have lost your job, want to have it flying through the roof. re-assess what your skills are, don’t quit
23. Be moderately optimistic. hunting for a job, be determined to succeed. 24. Act responsibly and be accountable to 43. In broken relationships, realise that there someone you hold in high regards
25. Be comfortable with yourself 26. Face your challenges full swing. 27. Create a positive environment around you.
are other good men or women out there better for you. Don’t descend to looking unattractive or be rough in appearance, should you be going through a divorce which is a painful experience, learn to love and take care of your children, support them & be there for them
28. Avoid several distractions. 29. Do not curl up into a shell withdrawn 44. Understand it can only get better when and irritable.
you take positive steps to resolving issues.
45. Reflect on your accomplishments and 30. Have the attitude of a fighter. 31. When necessary seek professional help. how they were achieved. 46. Stop feeling worthless; remember 32. Do not become violent or act everyone has a value we just need to discover irrationally because you are trying to deal with your fears.
were our skills and talents lie.
Occupy yourself with things that bring 33. Build positive relationships with friends, 47. out the best in you i.e. family, children, friends, families, colleagues.
34. Talk yourself into doing something constructive to take your mind off your fears.
35. Talk to people (friends, family, and colleagues) about it. They could share their views having gone through similar experiences.
36. Develop various coping strategies. 37. Endeavour to relax and get some rest. It recharges your energy levels.
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travelling, reading etc
48. Understand the value, exercising patience contributes to one’s well being.
49. Take things easy. Learn to understand we are given one day at a time.
50.
Learn to be appreciative/thankful of what you have, whatever good comes your way, people around you etc. I look forward to your comments and suggestions.
Ayos’ Profile Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive Life Coach. He is also an Accredited Professional Counsellor with the Counselling Society United Kingdom. He writes on how you can discover purpose through personal development and self awareness.
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LIFE SKILLS
WHO
Who By Robert Twomey
Such a feeling in my past i have known, the inferior of which by the score, but as of now the last piece of my heart, by a final thrust lays shattered on the floor.
Perfection is not a word i choose for myself, however expectations towards me run high, although beleaguered i resisted failure, this time, however, i feel i am giving my final sigh.
All i sought truly, was to give joy to another, to extend my cordial soul and give love with no limit, but when accepted it seems, by a partner or friend, hoarded is my essence, no longer a free spirit.
Looking to the future, my past the only guide, such a continuous loop is most likely it seems, destined i appear to be taunted and teased, whilst never achieving the heaven of my wanton dreams.
So pathetic is my wish, against a word i myself gave, i now resign myself to a saddening fact, alone i will always be, just the strange person in the street, that your gaze always avoids with a modicum of tact.
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Roberts Profile Cordial and positive to an almost delinquent degree, he finds peace within through the forms of listening to music and creating elemental prose. However, his demeanour is one of outgoing vibrancy with a passion for achieving, regardless of boundaries, and ensuring the well-being of those around him.
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10 QUESTIONS
10 Questions to change your LIFE By Steve Aitchison
Voltaire Good questions can change your life, bad answers can ruin it. Many people are running around trying to think of the answers to various questions, when they find the answers they are quickly forgotten. A great question can last a lifetime. 1. Am I truly happy in the job I am doing? We spend nearly a quarter of our lives working. If we are not happy in that job it means we are unhappy for nearly a quarter of our lives. Most of us have to work and most of us are not doing a job we love, however it’s difficult to do a job we love and put money on the table. There is ALWAYS something we can do about our job, you’re never too old to change careers, you might need training for a career change but 1 -3 years of your life studying for a new career is better than another 20 years being miserable in your job. 2. Am I truly happy in my relationship? A truly important question to ask yourself. If you are unhappy and you have tried to make things work and it hasn’t, get out of the relationship. Do you really want to stay and be unhappy or go and try to make it on your own? If you have kids, it’s a lot more difficult but it needn’t be. Kids know when there is no love in a house between parents and may not be as unhappy as you think about a split up.
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3. How can I save £5 every single day for 30 years? Saving up £5 per day for 30 years and putting it in a safe bank account will net you over £150,000 in 30 years time. If you put in a tracker fund that follows the main market, historically, it will net you over £330,000. 4. How can I have a better relationship with my kids? Another hugely important question to ask yourself. If you don’t have children then think about your relationships with your nieces and nephews. If you don’t have nieces and nephews then stop reading this section. Our relationships with the children in our lives are more important than you might think. They are copying you in nearly everything you are doing so it is important to be mindful of your words, actions and behaviour. We only have our formative children for about 14 years, after that time they generally spend more time with their peers. Your time with your children is precious, try to make the most of it. 5. What makes me happy? The answer to this question will truly change your life. Many people don’t even ask this question. If you ask yourself this question every day and you can work on the answers and implement a plan of action then your life
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10 QUESTIONS
6. How can I make my relationships better? Working on your relationships and thinking about how to improve them is another great way to work on yourself and help others. Your most obvious relationship is your partner, ask yourself ‘what could I do today to tell them I love them?’ it doesn’t
have to be a huge thing; even a little note can make a big difference. Work on all your other relationships this way starting with your family and going down to your work colleagues. Just thinking about improving your relationships and doing 1 thing every day can make an enormous difference.
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7. How can I make more money? There are literally millions of ways to make more money nowadays. If you can make an extra £1 per day and save it for 30 years you will have over £24,000 if you put it in a 5% yielding bank account. Stick that £1 per day in the market and in 30 years time you have £67,000. When we try to make money we think in
big numbers. We think, as I did, if I could get £70,000 and pay off my mortgage that would be great. In our minds the figures we think of are just too big. I we ask ourselves ‘How can I make an extra £1 per day’ that make it a lot easier. Now the beauty of it is, if you can make an extra £1 you can then go on to make an extra £2 and then and extra £10 per day and so on. Try not to
think about the big numbers, think about the small numbers, which go a long way to make the big numbers. Money is a source of stress for many people and figuring out how we can make more and live comfortably can make us happier.
need to go to the gym to exercise, see the article Top 5 gym free exercises You don’t need me to give you advice on your health, you know what you have to do: are you brave enough to ask the question?
8. What can I do to make a difference to someone else? Not as altruistic as it sounds, but if your hearts in the right place then it doesn’t matter. The fact that you are helping someone will make a difference. Helping other people achieve their goals or simply helping someone with their shopping can make a difference. Giving feels much better than receiving and gives our spirits a lift. This is another question to ask yourself every day. Do one thing a day for another person and spiritually you will be lifted, don’t worry if you’re not comfortable with the word spiritual, it will make you feel good.
9. What can I do to make me more healthy? Most of us know the answer to this question already; it’s just that we rarely ask ourselves this question for fear of what the answer involves and the action that needs to be taken. 10 minutes of exercise per day could change your life if you are willing. Watching how much rubbish you are eating could change your life. You don’t
10. What is the worst that can happen? A fantastic question, which can help you out in times of stress. I have been in lots of seemingly stressful situations and asked myself this question. When I am stressed about not seeing as many clients as I think I should have I ask ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ and usually the answer is I will see them tomorrow, no big deal. Stress is caused by the undue pressure we put on ourselves. Most situational stress can be alleviated by asking ourselves this one question, as the answer is not usually as bad as you might think.
Steve’s Profile Steve was born and raised in Scotland, UK and stays in the west of Scotland with his wife and two sons. He works as an addiction worker, counseling clients with alcohol and drug addictions. He is also a blogger as well as the author of 100 Ways To Develop Your Mind.
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34 magazine March 2010
INNER MAGIC
WHAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU HEAR THESE WORDS? Abracadabra! Click your heels three times! Open sesame! Expelliarmus! Double double toil and trouble! I’m betting that you recognize we’re in the realm of sorcery. And you immediately know we’re talking about someone with supernatural powers. Because whether it’s a witch or wizard, an illusionist or fairy godmother, you understand at some level that they possess the power of incantation. The power to use language to state what is and will be in ways the rest of us mere mortals can’t. But wait! What if you could use magical words? What if you did have access to your own version of personal wizardry? Actually, we all do. And producing it doesn’t require us to join a secret club, swear a blood oath, or be the seventh son of a seventh son. Quite the contrary. We can tap into this power any time, when we call forth our magician archetype. Archetypes represent those transcendent stories, myths, images, patterns, and symbols that are hardwired within us. Our internal cast of characters, if you will, often operating at a deep unconscious level. Carl Jung believed that the human psyche is like an iceberg, and the parts that we see and know are just the tip of said iceberg. Which means a vast amount of who we are resides in the watery depths beneath the surface. So go ahead, dive in, the water’s fine. Well, maybe a little cold, but you’ll get used to it.
And as a matter of fact, if you’re looking to hook up with your magician archetype, you’ll find scads of raw material all around you. Because the magician archetype is alive and well in movies, literature, and television. We’re surrounded by it. Think Harry Potter. Twilight. Simon Cowell. (Okay, I’m only halfway kidding about him. Stick with me and I think you’ll see what I mean.) Not surprisingly, the magician archetype is about transformation. When we’re in its grasp it pushes us to listen to intuition, pay attention to synchronicity, and act on hunches and sometimes hazy impressions. Sounds interesting, right? But how do we do that? For most people this is where the rubber meets the road. It’s all well and good to imagine our inner transformative powers, but it gets confusing when we try to actually bring them out into the real world. After all, most of us aren’t blessed with Merlin’s supernatural powers, or for that matter, even a standard issue crystal ball. But what we do have is WORDS. We have the POWER OF NAMING to transform seemingly ordinary, even limiting, ideas or situations into extraordinary possibilities. Which is exactly what Simon Cowell does. He names people, who they are and what they will be, in a seer-like way. Of course he doesn’t always focus on possibilities. And that’s the danger when we let other people name us. But it’s equally dangerous to shrink from those magicians in our lives who have a second sight about us, who name us not for who we are but who we will be. My most vivid memory of this is from the end of grad school, after I’d spent months researching, writing, and talking about creativity and
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transition. I was chatting with one of my peers at a party, and he said, “I saw an article the other day and thought of you, because you’re the expert on creativity.” Can you guess what I did? I retreated a little, stumbling over myself, “Well, you know, not really, I mean, come on, um, lots of other people...” My words faded out, and I’m sure this lovely man thought I was a bit addled. But at that point in my life, I didn’t yet understand the power of naming and being named. I learned a lot in the ensuing years, though. In the very first group I facilitated (for creative souls), one of the participants told us about a tribe in Africa that had a magnificent response to compliments: “YOU’RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.” Our group broke into goofy laughter at this, but soon we all began practicing it. It felt good! Mind you, this power of naming, in its genuine form, is not about ego or bluff or bluster. It’s more like crossing a bridge that you didn’t quite know you were on. An experience of finding your own voice. A moment when you have clarity about who you are and you express it in some way to the world at large (or accept it when another magician expresses it for you). I had an unexpected rendezvous with this a while back. For several years, my husband and I trotted ourselves around to conferences, events, and other such affairs, doing a series of (unpaid) workshops. We learned a whole lot, upping both our competence and confidence in the process. So at some point we started wondering about the next step. Could we get paid? Maybe a professional development institute? A seminar? Or a keynote presentation? That seemed big. Pretty much unreachable, given
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the usual suspects at these shindigs. Then an extraordinary thing happened. A call came, out of the blue, asking me to coordinate a creativity lab at a national conference. And part of my job was recruiting a bunch of swell creative types, and putting the program together with their bios. As I was finishing it, cutting and pasting everyone’s bio, I got to the last one - mine. For a few seconds my fingers hovered over the keyboard, then they suddenly moved into frantic action, typing words that seemed not to even originate with me: “... and she presents seminars and keynote presentations with her husband.” At that moment I finally got it, this power of naming. And I’m absolutely convinced it was an encounter with my magician, because in the next two years we did three professional development institutes and a keynote presentation before an audience of 400 people. Most of my own magical naming experiences have been around purposeful work and my callings. But as I’ve seen in my work with others, naming can show up in any area of life. I’ve witnessed a young, uncertain woman about to turn 30 name herself as an adventurer, and take off on a cross country RV trip. And a woman at midlife proclaim herself as someone who has a right to ask for her needs to be met. And a man about to retire announce himself a marathon runner. So clearly, the magician’s power of naming is there for all of us, if we choose to use it. How about you? What’s your experience of your inner magician? How has the power of naming shown up in your life? And what do you choose to name as your own true voice?
Patricia’s Profile Patricia Bechtold, M.S., is a Life Coach, Life Transitions Counselor, and Relationship Coach in Sacramento, CA. She works with people who are tired of the status quo, and yearning for more meaning and adventure in their lives. With a master’s degree in counseling and training in life coaching and depth psychology, she is passionate about helping clients dive deep to claim their true stories.You can visit her at her website, bechtoldlifework.com, or stop by her blog, whynotstartnow.wordpress.com.
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6 Special Tips To
Motivation by Cheryl Paris
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You must have heard it loads of times – about motivation being the most important secret that determines your success or failure. But, just being aware of this doesn’t make it easy to remain motivated, does it? You know, if you find your motivation levels are a bit low, you must take steps to get it back up. NO! Not next week or next month, but right now. Of course, the way you find your motivation is going to be as individual as you are but one of the things you are going to love about experimenting with this is that you can do what’s right for you because the options are virtually limitless. Here are some of the best ways to get your motivation juices going right away: Don’t let life turn monotonous Come on, if you have cheese sandwiches for lunch every single day, lunch is going to get a bit boring and you’re not going to enjoy it, right? Live life to the hilt and every moment to its fullest. Don’t let boredom overtake you. Did you know that it’s a human tendency to avoid those tasks that are tiresome? So why not use that fact to your advantage by looking at it for a different perspective. Find a different way to have those ‘cheese’ sandwiches. This will enable you to develop a healthy completion with yourself. Turn to the spirits! Nope, not ghosts! You know, connect with your spiritual self. Quite a few people like this way of ‘checking out yourself from the outside in’ – connecting with your deeper side. “What is really important to you right now?”
Answering this will help you come up with answers and give you a clearer idea of what you desire, what you need and what steps you need to achieve it, Get a goal! Motivation and goals are the dynamic duo as far as I’m concerned; they go hand in hand like strawberries and cream (that’s if you like cream!) But seriously. If you are not sure where you are heading, how the hell are you
going to get charged up about it? Remember in the case of large goals; chunk them down like the bite sizes of your cheese sandwich. These smaller chucks will seem all the more achievable which means you keep your motivational juices dribbling. The more you see your smaller goals being achieved right in front of you the happier you’ll get. Take ownership As you’re inching ahead, evaluate the way. Measuring against your milestones regularly because you will make that’s how you know you’re making progress. If you find yourself not being able to hold yourself responsible, it’s ok to ask for help.You might even want others to check your progress for you. Think, think, think positively You really going to let negative thoughts over take you on the road? I know that it easy said that done but I also know that the more you kick those negative thoughts into space, the more room there is for positive ones. Look around for change If you have tried really hard to get motivated, perhaps you need to consider a change. If you feel your motivation level dropping, then do something quick! But do, do something. Ok, if you need motivation to do the household chores and that’s important to you, find a way to make if fun. Do it in the nude (just one idea!) or do it to loud music; you could even consider hiring a cleaner. The sooner you are motivated; the sooner life begins to be more delightful. Fact.
Cheryl’s Profile Cheryl Paris is a Blogger, Stress Coach and Internet Marketer. She started blogging to support the mainly female Social Care professionals with actionable tips and resources rather than just ideas. Cheryl Paris Blog is your go-to source for stuff to help you stop the “stressing about caring”. Breaking it down for you; making it simpler than ever to have more natural highs while keep your personality.
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THE LIFESKILLS MAGAZINE