/end of the world
TECHSPEDITIONS:
THE END OF THE WORLD We sent our man Matt Priest off with a Mayan calendar and a box of waterproof matches to see how the world might end. Plus! What you’ll need to survive the impending apocalypse
According to the Mayan calendar, this year will be our last on planet Earth. In what must be the tourist trap to end them all (quite literally) an enormous digital clock has been erected in the Mexican city of Tapachula, counting down to December 21, 2012 - aka world end day. So, in giving these Mayans the benefit of the doubt (and with absolutely no scientific study whatsoever) we’ve set about preparing for the doubtful inevitable. Of course, the Mayans quite handily forgot to mention how mankind might be wiped out, so we’ve put together some options. With that in mind, here’s our guide to surviving the apocalypse - good luck! [ Words Matt Priest ]
APOCALYPSE HOW?
BEST WORLD-ENDERS
[AS TOLD BY HOLLYWOOD]
Dr Strangelove (1964) When a rogue general orders a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union, the Russkies respond by revealing they have a Doomsday weapon all their own. Apocalypse ensues.
52 / www.stuffmideast.com
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) The original is better, but this offers a double whammy of armageddon action. It’s set in (spoilers) post-apocalyptic Earth, and shows a great-big Doomsday Bomb.
Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981) Crazy old Mel Gibson plays an on-edge ex-cop survivor in post-apocalyptic Australia. In this instance, he helps a fuel rich community fight off murderous raiders.
/end of the world
ZOMBIE’S ATTACK! Why should I be scared? It doesn’t matter if they are the super-quick and freakishly strong 28 Days Later type of zombie, or the cumbersome and dim-witted Shaun of the Dead kind, one thing is clear zombies are coming to eat your brains for breakfast, lunch and dinner. How do I survive? The rule of thumb when it comes to dispatching zombies is to go for a good clean headshot with a blunt object, giving them a push and
When the Wind Blows (1986) At first glance this looks like a children’s film. In reality, it’s the harrowing tale of two poor Brits that somehow manage survive a nuclear attack after building a bombshelter after being advised by the government.
hoping they fall over and sprain an ankle is not going to get you out of trouble. The key to surviving long haul is to wait it out. Generally, zombies tend to congregate out on the street, wandering aimlessly about, often groaning, in search of the next survivor to munch on. After they’ve eaten everything in sight, the zombies will move on. So stay put, and stay alive. Your best bet is to barricade yourself in the local Carrefour - there’s a good supply of food and water, not to mention free
gadgets to document your survival. Remember, being sentimental can get you killed. If your best mate has been bitten, you’ll have to take him out - he’d do the same to you. What do I need? A baseball bat, a shotgun and the will to survive, for a start. Then go for kit that, just like you, can make it through a hard day of zombie bashing. The Motorola Defy+ (US$650, motorola. com) is a tough little slab of smartphone with an ‘everything-
Delicatessen (1991) Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s pitch-black comedy takes place in a very near future where food shortages have led a butcher landlord to resort to chopping up his tenants. Not one to watch before going on holiday.
proof’, Gorilla-glassed body that makes it hard-wearing. Pair it with an Eton FR170 (US$40, etoncorp.com), a rugged wind-up radio/torch combo that will also charge your phone. The Yelpie Portable Safe (US$75, yelpie. co.uk) might come in handy when stashing supplies from other wouldbe thieving survivors, and what better way to let off some steam after a hard day of zombie decapitating than with a spot of virtual zombie decapitating? A few games of Left4Dead 2 (US$65, l4d.com) it is, then.
12 Monkeys (1995) Terry Gilliam’s future is underground (and not in a hip club, kind of way). Survivor Bruce Willis is sent back in time to avert a viral apocalypse, but meddling in the past never ends well.
www.stuffmideast.com / 53
/end of the world
GLOBAL WARMING AND THE NEW ICE AGE Why should I be scared? Geologists claim that there have been five previous ice ages, so odds are there is another one just around the corner. Whether it comes about as quickly as Dennis Quad predicted in The Day After Tomorrow is unlikely, but it might be worth investing in a ridiculously large coat. You know, just in case. How do I survive? Should the Earth’s weather turn permanently penguin-friendly, make sure you keep dry and wrapped up warm. Your Gran was right when she
Independence Day (1996) Independence day has all the essential ingredients for an apocalypse movie: Area 51 intrigue, the American President hanging out with the rest of the boys - oh, and some downright mean aliens.
54 / www.stuffmideast.com
told you to wear layers. Find shelter where there are few windows, low ceilings and make a chimney - you’ll be needing a fire to keep warm. Sadly, a climate change to the sub-zero degree is not something you’ll be able to wait out, so be prepared to become a hunter/gatherer. Use your fire to melt snow for water, cook the catch of the day (if not, eat some berries) and scare away hungry polar bears. What? We never said this staying alive lark was going to be easy. What do I need? If you hope to survive in arctic
conditions you’ll need a serious coat. We’re not talking about your standard anorak here, but a Helly Hansen West Coast Jacket (US$105, hhworkwear.com) that packs a waterproof outer layer with warm and comfy fleece on the inside. Now that you’re in no danger of freezing, it’s time to find some food. Having a Victorinox Rescue Tool (US$75, victorinox.ch) is essential if you’re planning on surviving outdoors, and this top-notch model, designed for the rescue services, is great if the weather, or your would -be food, gets dicey. Of course, with snow now
Deep Impact (1998) After discovering an Earth destroying comet is only 365 days away, Morgan Freeman builds a giant cavernous underground retreat constructed to hold one million Americans.
covering the entire world you’ll need to watch out for avalanches. Black Diamond’s Avalung Outlaw (US$250, blackdiamonde-quipment.com) should do the trick. It has a scuba-like mouth-tube built into the shoulder strap, that lets you breath air trapped in the snow. Exhaled CO2 is then pushed through an exhaust port, so your fresh, life-giving oxygen isn’t contaminated. Now all you need is some skis to make getting around a little easier, these Scott Punishers (US$450, scott-sports.com) are lightweight and equally suited to downhill and cross country.
Children of Men (2006) Kids: can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Particularly if you’re stuck in an infertility epidemic causing a global panic, violence and the collapse of governments.
/end of the world
THE POLAR ICE CAPS HAVE MELTED Why should I be scared? While the world bickers over who’s burning what fuel to power their fleets of Hummers, the rest of us have to start preparing for life sailing the all-encompassing sea. Yes, just like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. That’s pirates, sea monsters, and a lack of fresh water to deal with, then. How do I survive? It may sound obvious, but at the top of your survival list should be ‘learn to swim’. Chances are you’ll be needing to do that a lot more when
I Am Legend (2007) The particular legend in this plague-ridden world is Will Smith, a military scientist immune to a speedy-zombie creating disease, who stays behind to find a cure.
your home is under three miles of water (remember, things that float will survive). And you had better learn to like seafood while you’re at it, because fish is the only thing on the menu. Learning how to catch your food with nets, rods and spears will be imperative to your daily survival, especially if the only thing available at the new floating McDonalds is the Filet-O-Fish. In a post-flood world, piracy will also return to its traditional swashbuckling roots. If you spot the Jolly Roger, it’s best to avoid it entirely- not all
pirates as witty or good looking as Johnny Depp. What do I need? A spear gun and a good pair of flippers (the water-equivalent of a bike) won’t go amiss. Then you can turn your attention to finding a first mate. You’ll need H2O’s Water Power Radio (US$55, h2oaudio.com) that uses a turbine and running water for power, to monitor the airwaves for any survivors. Then you can pap them to make sure they’re not pirates in disguise with the waterproof
WALL-E (2008) Earth is over-run with garbage and devoid of any life but instead of thinking about the environment consequences of our consumerist lifestyle - we were distracted by the most loveable robot in the world
Panasonic FT3 (US$490, panasonic. com). Once you’ve vetted your future shipmates, it’s time to plot a course to unchartered waters (who knows, you might actually find some land). The Garmin GPSMAP 620 (US$620, garmin.com) is specifically made to find its way over water, with a FishEye view so you can see what’s down below. Finally, to keep yourself from lapping at the salty sea (and making yourself even more thirsty) keep a Camelbak Groove (US$, camelbak.com) around for fresh water as and when you need it.
The Road (2009) Viggo Mortensen trudges through an unrelentingly bleak world devastated by an unspecified extinction event, trying to keep himself alive through the worst nature can throw at them - also, cannibals.
www.stuffmideast.com / 55