15.25 Living Christmas Tree, December 8, 2011, Volume 15, Issue 25, MauiTime

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DECEMBER 8, 2011 + VOLUME 15 + ISSUE 25 + FREE

Living Christmas Tree

How Plant A Wish is saving the world–and the holidays–one tree at a time Page 12

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DECEMBER 8, 2011

Contents VOLUME 15

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION: Whos your favorite Muppet? Editor: Anthony Pignataro (808) 283-1308 / anthony@mauitime.com @apignataro on Twitter The Muppet Newsman Associate Editor: Anu Yagi (808) 264-8039 / calendar@mauitime.com @anuheayagi on Twitter Big Mean Carl Proofreader: Dina Wilson Kermit the Frog Contributors: Jason Castle, Lance Collins, Caeriel Crestin, Mick E. Finn, Lantana Hoke, Jory John, Avery Monsen, Ron Pitts, Chuck Shepherd, Sara Tekula, Ynez Tongson, Barry Wurst II Photographer: Sean Michael Hower mauiweddingmedias.com / howerphotography.com Art Director & Production Manager: Scrappers scrapperstown.com Allen Ginsberg Graphic Designers: Amy Mendolia (Animal), Christina Tarleton Advertising Executive: Brad Chambers (808) 283-3260 / brad@mauitime.com Bert & Ernie, Television’s first gay couple General Manager: Jennifer Russo (808) 280-3286 / jen@mauitime.com @jenrusso on Twitter Camilla the Chicken

✚

ISSUE 25

COVER: Photo of an Ohi‘a Lehua tree blossom by Sean Michael Hower howerphoto.com

5 NEWS & VIEWS FEATURE STORY 12 DINING 15 THIS WEEK’S PICKS 18 20 DA KINE CALENDAR THE GRID 21 FILM CRITIQUE 26 FILM TIMES 27 KULA KID 28 HOROSCOPE 29 CLASSIFIED 30 31 MIND, BODY & SPIRIT

Admin. Executive: Keo Eaton (808) 244-0777 I don’t knoooow any “Muppets” Admin. Assistant: Jennifer Brown Miss Piggy Web Design: Linear Publishing Publisher: Tommy Russo (808) 283-0512 / tommy@mauitime.com @tommyrusso on Twitter Beaker

MauiTime is published every Thursday by MauiTime Productions, Inc. Its contents are Copyright © 2011 by MauiTime Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Subscriptions are available at $70 per year. Reproduction or use without permission is strictly prohibited. MauiTime may be distributed only by MauiTime’s authorized independent contractor. MauiTime is valued at $.50 per copy and permits one complimentary copy per person. No person may, without written permission of MauiTime, take more than one copy of each weekly issue. All opinions expressed throughout MauiTime are those of the authors and not necessarily the same opinions as MauiTime Productions, Inc. and MauiTime. MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 office (808) 244-0777 • fax (808) 244-0446 www.mauitime.com @mauitime on Twitter Deadlines: Display Advertising: Friday Noon Classified: Monday 4pm Calendar: Monday Noon Circulation: 18,000 copies of MauiTime

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NEWS&VIEWS

Jon M. Van Dyke Human Rights Attorney and Law Professor dies at 68 BY LANCE COLLINS

J

ON M. VAN DYKE, who was a law professor at the UH Richardson School of Law and an internationally respected human rights attorney, died on Monday in Australia, in his sleep, while attending a conference on international ocean law. He was 68. Van Dyke joined the faculty of the Richardson School of Law at its opening in 1976 where he taught constitutional law, international law, human rights and ocean law. He was also a law clerk for California Supreme Court Chief Justice Roger Traynor after graduating from Harvard Law School in 1967. He was intimately involved in the 1978 Constitutional Convention and advised on the establishment of the Office of Hawaiian Affairs. In the 1990s, he represented the Maui County Council when it sued former Mayor Linda Lingle for hiring her then husband and other private attorneys with taxpayer money to represent her and other county officials in litigation without getting Council approval. In the case, Maui County Council v. Thompson, the Supreme Court ruled that Lingle violated the Maui County Charter by failing to obtain Council approval. One of his most important cases nationally and internationally was the lawsuit he and his wife Sherry Broder filed against the late Philippine dictator Ferdinand Marcos in Honolulu. They represented more than 9,500 Filipinos who were either murdered or tortured by Marcos during and after the martial law period. In 1995, they obtained a $2 billion judgment, the largest judgment of its kind. “The collection process has been extremely difficult� Van Dyke told Honolulu Civil Beat earlier this year, “As soon as we locate assets that are attributable to Mar-

cos, the Philippine government has shown up and said, ‘These have been stolen from us, this is ill-gotten wealth and, therefore, they owe it to us.� Over the years, Van Dyke would express puzzlement over the manner in which the Philippine government would obstruct and interfere in the victims being compensated. “The Philippine government has an ongoing obligation to the victims,� Van Dyke said. “Just because it was a previous evil dictator doesn’t mean they don’t have the obligation to the victims who have suffered under the previous government. We’ve tried to explain that a zillion times but the Philippine government is totally in denial, and has been totally irresponsible about addressing the plight of these poor victims.� Nevertheless, Van Dyke was a kind and gentle man who was full of enthusiasm for how the law could be used to assist humans in living peacefully together and peacefully in their environment. Van Dyke wrote several books including Who Owns the Crown Lands of Hawaii? (University of Hawai’i Press, 2008) and represented the Native Hawaiian community in several important cases. He also extensively advised Pacific Island governments on matters of constitutional and international law. On Maui, he most recently served as a legal analyst with his wife for the Maui Charter Review Commission. “Jon’s passing is a lesson in treasuring every moment with those you love and admire,� said Governor Neil Abercrombie. “His loss will be deeply felt.� He was well loved by his students for his easy-going, inquisitive, and collaborative approach to learning. It earned him many teaching awards. I recall in my first Constitutional Law class with him, I would always try to think of unusual fact patterns that the legal principle he was discussing was unable to assist–sometimes to the an-

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Van Dyke was a kind and gentle man that was full of enthusiasm for how the law could be used to assist humans in living peacefully together and peacefully in their environment. noyance of my peers. He never failed to go over to his folders and surprise all of us– by pulling out a transparency or two for the projector illustrating just that unusual fact pattern in real life and how the constitution was being used to address such unusual injuries somewhere in the US or the world. Not only had he anticipated un-

usual applications of the law, he was prepared to discuss it with materials from the real world in class. He is survived by his wife Sherry Broder and their children, Jesse, Michelle and Eric. â– To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1525n1

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county officials–including Maui County Mayor Alan Arakawa–broke ground on a new, long-awaited project in Kihei. What is the project? A. A new post office. B. A new police station. C. A public road from South Maui to Kula. D. A new “Downtown Kihei� shopping district. E. A Trader Joe’s.

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3. According to Mayor Arakawa’s Dec. 5 “Mayor’s Update� blog post, what does Maui County Council Chairman Danny Mateo collect? A. Stamps. B. Movie posters. C. Santa Claus figurines. D. Elvis Presley dinnerware. E. Human heads. See answers, page 29

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NEWS&VIEWS

Coconut Wireless

Talk of the Island

BY ANTHONY PIGNATARO

A & B AND MATSON GO TO SPLITSVILLE Not sure if you’ve noticed, but the news around the state is all buzzing with the same big story: Alexander & Baldwin’s announcement on Dec. 1 to split into two publicly traded corporations–A & B, Inc., which will handle real estate, commercial development and sugar production, and Matson Navigation, which will deal with ocean shipping. Considering that Hawaii isn’t exactly known for big business news, the attention is understandable. There was a front page story in the Honolulu Star-Advertiser, a big piece in the Maui News and another meaty story in the Pacific Business News. The stories all say much the same thing and include the same long-winded quotes from A&B Chairman Walter Dods and A&B CEO Stanley M. Kuriyama (which all came from the seven-page A&B press release sent out yesterday to the island’s media). They are also all detailed on the specifics of how the split will affect shareholders–extremely positively–and all somewhat vague on how this will affect

the company’s employees (“no net job loss,” according to Kuriyama). Basically, the upshot of all this is that Matson, which had been an independent shipping company until 1969, is going to be independent again. Oh, and don’t worry: A & B’s growing and burning of 37,000 acres of sugar (through its wholly-owned subsidiary Hawaiian Commercial & Sugar) will still go on without interruption. Because even without Matson, A & B is still probably the most powerful commercial force in the state of Hawaii. This has been true for more than a century. According to Mowee by Curtis E. Speakman and Jill Engledow, the missionaries had special influence over A & B, even back in the early 20th century it was the most powerful of the so-called Big Five corporations that ruled Hawaii. “Every one of the Big Five had at least one direct descendant of a missionary on its board, and Alexander & Baldwin had six– William Alexander, Harry A. Baldwin, F. F. Baldwin, William O. Smith, A. C. Alexander, A. C. Castle and J. P. Cooke.”

The proposed split-up of A & B won’t actually take place until the latter half of 2012, so expect plenty more coverage over the next year.

FREE HOT WHEELS CARS! So did everyone go score your free Hot Wheels car on Saturday, Dec. 3? It was really easy–all you had to do was demonstrate to county officials that you understood “proper roundabout use.” Okay, maybe that’s not so easy. But people better get on the roundabout bandwagon fast, because Free Wheels come February one will open at the intersection of Piikea Avenue and Liloa Drive in Kihei, over by the Piilani Village Shopping Center. Unknown on Maui, roundabouts (sometimes called “traffic circles” or, more accurately, “whirlpools of cataclysm”) are kind of a big deal in the transportation world. Rather than come to a four-stop intersection, drivers instead drive around in a circle until they come to the street they want. Big break up When drivers enter the roundabout with knowledge and confidence (especially the

latter), the intersection becomes smoother and safer because it forces drivers to slow waaaay down. But when drivers are ignorant and hesitant, the can become trapped in the roundabout for all eternity. No, seriously. That happened to this guy I know. He just drove around and around for, like, days. For the first few hours, it was cool–he was calling his friends, saying things like, “Hey, guess where I am?” and “You know how I’m always saying I’m just going around in circles?” But that got old after a while, he started to think that the pedestrians he saw walking on the outside of the roundabout were all laughing at him. Anyway, eventually he got tired–and his right arm got a bit numb– and he ended up driving into the middle of the roundabout and crashing into one of those Civil Warvintage cannons that modestly sized cities in Middle America like to keep near their town halls and, um, roundabouts. Anyway, to make sure that never happens in Kihei, county officials are doing two things. First, they declared all future county roundabouts to be “Civil WarVintage Cannon-Free Zones,” which prohibits such cannons from coming within 1,000 feet of a roundabout. Secondly (and, arguably, more importantly), they held a kind of get-acquainted session with roundabout protocols and rules in Kihei. As an incentive for people to learn the dos and don’ts of roundabout driving, county officials gave a complementary Hot Wheels car to the first 300 residents (okay, kids) who actually paid attention to

Overheard “My Johnson thing made the front page of Reddit.” -Guy on Market Street in Wailuku, Dec. 2

what officials were saying. Because if there’s anything our wise forefathers have taught us, it’s that we listen to people who are offering free stuff, even if we don’t actually need the free stuff in the first place.

HISTORY CHANNEL DISCOVERS LOCAL PHYSICIST By the way, you guys all remember Garrett Lisi, right? He’s the genius physicist, surfer and Kula resident Mauitime profiled earlier this year (“Physicist Garrett Lisi and His Theory of Everything” by Jacob Shafer, Feb. 17, 2011). Anyway, he and his scientist/ inventor buddy Reichart Von WolfSheild have gone and got their own television program. Called Invention USA, it's, well, I’ll just let the program’s website explain it: “Invention USA follows Reichart Von

Smart Guy: Garrett Lisi

PHOTO BY SEAN MICHAEL HOWER

Wolfsheild and Garrett Lisi, both innovators and scientists with ties to investors, as they go in search of the next breakthrough invention,” states the show’s website. “Whether they’re traveling the country to visit garage innovators at home or meeting with inventors at their Los Angeles testing lab, Reichart and Garrett will put prototypes to the test and give a tough, nononsense evaluation of each invention’s potential. If they like what they see, they’ll invest to help bring the product to market. The stakes are high and dreams are on the line: Every idea has the potential to change someone’s life... or even the world.” We’ll see very soon if the show is as cool as it sounds–it debuts Friday night (Dec. 9) at 8pm Hawaii time on the History Channel. ■ anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1525n2

DECEMBER 8, 2011

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NEWS&VIEWS

MauiSphere

LOCAL PLUGS

BY JEN RUSSO PHOTO COURTESY OF DAVID HESSEMER

MICROSOFT NOW POWERS HAWAII LIBRARIES

(seated from left) Microsoft's Kristin Rhodes and Craig Mundie; Hawaii State Board of Education Chairman Donald Horner, David Pritchard of Microsoft; (standing from left) Scott Kennedy of Microsoft, Bruce Coppa, representing Hawaii Gov. Neil Abercrombie; Sonny Bhagowalia, Hawaii Chief Information Officer; Aaron Tanaka of Honolulu Community College; Thomas Pollard of IBM; and Hawaii State Librarian Richard Burns.

Academy should reach about one million users across the state of Hawaii, and it’s the first program launched under the HSPLS HI Tech Academy initiative. “The Microsoft IT Academy program includes training and certification in Microsoft products, such as Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Word and Microsoft PowerPoint, in addition to advanced subjects such as programming, web development and database development,” said Craig Mundie, Microsoft Chief Officer for Research and Strategy. “The program’s digital literacy resources will equip Hawaii’s library patrons with the technical skills needed to become more employable and successful in the 21st century workplace.” With vocational and adult education resources reduced due to budget cuts, state officials hope this new program can help. A card-holding patron can visit the library or the state libraries website and get a code to access the program. The academy is web-based and accessible from anywhere in the world. You can also work at your own pace. You can work on the programs on any web connected device, provided you use Internet Explorer. “IT certifications are increasingly recog-

Holiday Hoops Clinic by Basketball Maui at Lahainaluna High School nized as valuable credentials that give young people expanded career opportunities,” said Donald Horner, Chairman of the Hawaii State Board of Education. “The Microsoft IT Academy ensures patrons equal access to IT training and certification through all libraries across the state regardless of location or economic status.”

BASKETBALL MAUI PLAYS WITH SHANE VICTORINO Basketball Maui hosted their second annual Holiday Hoops clinic with 120 players receiving instruction from 25 coaches at Lahainaluna High School Athletic Department. “It was almost an even split between boys and girls aged seven to 17 years old,” said Basketball Maui Executive Director Ben Prangnell. Renowned coaches Ben Howland of UCLA, NBC Camps founder and president Fred Crowell and former UCLA coach Jim Harrick, as well as Maui’s own Shane Victorino of the Philadelphia Phillies and his wife Leslie (who played basketball at UNLV) participated in Holiday Hoops. “With the addition of Shane it doesn’t get much better,” Dan Williams, the event spokesman, said. “It is wonderful to see one of our own give back to the programs he grew up with.” Victorino played multiple sports including basketball during his high school years on the island. The event provides an evening of free enrichment for local young players, and offers parents in attendance a chance to talk with coaches, too.” Basketball Maui is a nonprofit organization that start0 w ed in April 2010 with a summer camp event. Later added school they a leade assemblies, a leadership tour to

TENNIS, ANYONE? The Royal Lahaina Resort is now taking enrollment for their new Junior Tennis Program. The Ka’anapali property is home to the Royal Lahaina Tennis Ranch, which is managed by John and Cynthia Monnier. After working with numerous keiki on an individual basis, the resort saw a need in the community for tennis training for ages seven through high school and decided to establish a junior program to encourage kids to take up the sport. “Royal Lahaina Tennis Ranch is home to 11 world class tennis courts, a phenomenal coaching staff and the ability to offer PHOTO COURTESY OF CROG TENNIS TRIESTE

PHOTO COURTESY OF HSPLS

Hawaii’s public libraries score big with the Microsoft IT Academy. In November the Hawaii State Public Library System (HSPLS) set up the world’s first Microsoft IT Academy program, which is now available statewide. The Microsoft IT Academy provides unlimited e-learning access to Hawaii’s library card holders. More than 350 Microsoft courses will be available from basic computer skills to advanced network architecture and design. Certification preparation courses and official Microsoft course materials will help users acquire and qualify for industry-recognized Microsoft Office Specialist, Microsoft Technology Associate or Microsoft Certified Professional certifications. The HSPLS has implemented many tech projects over the last three years, including some sponsored by grants from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and the federal Broadband Technology Opportunity Program, said State Librarian Richard Burns. “In addition, we have purchased and placed in our libraries more than 1,300 new computers, peripherals and software, including ADA-accessible workstations in every one of our libraries,” he added. “Many of these projects involved working with Microsoft, and they saw that we have been very successful with these projects and they came to view HSPLS as a promising partner for this Academy.” The entire package is valued at more than $2.5 million but was discounted for HSPLS to just $70,000. The Microsoft IT

Washington State with 18 high school students and a charity basketball game called “Night of Shooting Stars.” The next free event for Basketball Maui is Hoops of Hope on Jan. 28 at Hope Chapel in Kihei. They will have food, music and entertainment along with a clinic and show by Guinness book record-holder and NBA All-Star game performer Joe Odhiambo, an expert at ball spinning, dribbling and tricks. All proceeds will go to the Kit Lauer Memorial Scholarship, which allow kids the opportunity to participate in the camps, clinics and events hosted by Basketball Maui. Parents and students interested in camps or other activities can go to their website http://basketballmaui.com for more information or call director Wayne Seaman at 1-800520-1709 or by email at wayne@basketballmaui.com.

Junior Tennis Program

this wonderful opportunity to our community at an affordable price,” said Liz Bell, Director of Marketing and Business Development at Royal Lahaina Resort. “A resurgence in the sport of tennis on a national level combined with numerous inquiries from parents and players inspired the Royal Lahaina and the Tennis Ranch to create a junior program. One we hope will grow to serve the community for years to come.” Lahaina’s own Jean Okada–high school state champion, University of California, Santa Barbara Hall of Famer, top 20 collegiate player and three-time US Open competitor– will be coaching. Kaz Yamanoha, the HI Performance Tennis Director at Royal Lahaina, will also coach since he has 25 years of professional teaching experience, trained with John Newcombe and Peter Burwash and is a Fijian National Open Doubles Champion. Lessons start at $80 a month for two days a week, $105/mo for three days a week and $125/ mo for 5 days a week. The daily drop in rate is $12. Call 667-5200 for more information. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso -@angryshortgirl (writer Ynez Tongson), Dec. 5, 2011

TWEET of the WEEK “Today I learned I don’t need a coffee in the morning to ‘wake up.’ I need at least a coffee or else I will be in horrific pain, all day.”

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DECEMBER 8, 2011

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NEWS&VIEWS

AntiCritiquing

PHOTO BY JOHN HOOK JOHNHOOKPHOTOGRAPHY.COM

Honolulu’s AntiCanvas art show BY SCRAPPERS

N

o matter how you frame it, light it, or polish it up, a turd is just a turd. That’s how I felt after leaving the AntiCanvas art show in Honolulu’s Chinatown. AntiCanvas is an art show where works from 30 different artists are printed onto Hurley brand board shorts, put on display at a hip Honolulu venue and then silently auctioned off to raise money for Pow Wow Hawaii and the Japan Relief Fund. Hurley and their media partner Contrast magazine did a sparkling job hyping the show and making everyone involved feel like they’re doing good work. When I arrived I was greeted with my first lei from Seth McKinney, Hurely’s stout and hardy general manager for the Pacific region (Hawaii, Guam, and Tahiti). Leilani Patacchia, who also works for Hurley, greeted me with a flood of aloha because she said “Hurley artists” never make it out to these things. Apparently I’m considered a Hurley artist because I’ve done collaborative work with the creative team at the company’s Southern California headquarters. Since Hurley is owned by Nike, they’re able to bank roll some crazy fun projects. Like the time my friends and I were in an art show titled “Awe-

some” at their Hspace art gallery and we sent them a doodle outlining a 15-foot tall skate ramp volcano we wanted constructed in the center of the gallery space. Not only did they build it, but they installed a light and a smoke machine so it looks active. I love my relationship with Hurley, but I have to say that at the AntiCanvas show they did a crappy job printing the art onto the shorts. I don’t know the whole process of how they made the shorts, but it looked as though they ironed a bunch of white shorts and then ran them through a printer. The end result was the lowest quality reproduction of good art I’ve ever seen. Any place there might have been a crease in the fabric was left blank, resulting in a startling white lighting bolt that cut through the artwork. What’s more, the whole crotch was emblazoned with the same startling white, stretching from the ass neck to the g spot. Certainly it’s a great honor to have your work featured on a pair of Hurley shorts. A lot of the artists in the show are working hard to support themselves and their families in Hawaii, even though most support for the arts goes to oil painters who sell flower portraits to tourists. At one point during the show the master

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of ceremonies turned the music down to announce to the pro surfers in the room–people like Rob Machado, Aamion GoodSee that white win and Koa Cazimero– line cutting that they should bid on the through the artwork-covered shorts. artwork. It's Of course, the guys were no big deal. sponsored by Hurley, so they’re kind of being paid to be at the show and bid on the shorts. Anyway, the night went on–people raged, laughed, drank, print job, my opinion suddenly changed. On bro-hugged, kissed in the dark and the auc- Oahu’s North Shore, the surf capital of the world, those shorts–lightning bolt streaks and tion winners went home carrying some very all–looked damn good. Somehow, the sloppy expensive board shorts. printing didn’t matter anymore. The art simFor the rest of the weekend I hung out with family & friends, talked about art and ply worked, and it was beautiful. I realized that when measuring the sucsurfed so much my ribs are still bruised and rubbed raw. After building sand castles and cess of the art auctioned off in the AntiCansurfing at North Shore’s Chun’s Reef, we all vas show, that I needed to look at how well packed into the tiny Beet Box Cafe for some it performed in its natural environment, not vegetarian comfort food. While sitting next under the microscope of high-prices, spot lights and white walls. ■ to the front counter and inhaling a falafel scrapperstown.com burger, I happened to notice a guy walk in wearing shorts from the show. To share or save this article, type: As he stood there, fishing for his wallet and mt.hy.pr/1525n4 showing me the bright white proof of the bad

NEWS&VIEWS

NEWS OF THE WEIRD BY CHUCK SHEPARD

GLORIOUS LEADERS Was Moammar Gadhafi the last of the “buffoon dictators?” asked BBC News in October. His legend was earned not merely with his now-famous, dirty-old-man scrapbook of Condoleezza Rice photos. Wrote a BBC reporter, “One day [Gadhafi] was a Motown [backup] vocalist with wet-look permed hair and tight pants. The next, a white-suited comic-operetta Latin American admiral, dripping with braid.” Nonetheless, Gadhafi had competition, according to an October report in the journal Foreign Policy. For example, the son of Equatorial Guinea’s dictator owns, among other eccentric luxuries, a $1.4 million collection of Michael Jackson memorabilia. North Korea’s Kim Jong Il owns videos of almost every game Michael Jordan ever played for the Chicago Bulls.

LEADING ECONOMIC INDICATORS In March, William Ernst, 57, owner of the QC Mart chain of Iowa convenience stores, excitedly announced a company-wide employee contest with a prize of $10 for guessing the next worker that Ernst will fire for breaking rules. “Once we fire the person, we will open all the envelopes (containing the entries), award the prize, and start the contest again.” Ernst added, “And no fair picking Mike Miller from (the Rockingham Road store). He was fired at around 11:30 a.m. today for wearing a hat and talking on his cellphone. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!” (After firing a cashier who had complained about Ernst’s attitude, he challenged the woman’s unemploymentcompensation claim, but in October, a judge ruled in her favor.)

MUST BE SUPER HIGH-RES Even in a flagging economy, Christie’s auction house in New York City was able to attract a record sales price for a photograph. In November, a 1999 photo by German artist Andreas Gursky, of a scenic view of the Rhine River, sold for $4.3 million. (It is possible, of course, that buying the actual waterfront property that Gursky photographed from–to enjoy the same view every day–would have been less expensive.)

BIG MONEY SHOTS Following October arrests by Nigeria’s Abuja Environmental Protection Board, authorities learned that local prostitutes earned premium fees by selling their customers’ semen to “juju priests,” who use it as “medicines” in rituals. Police who rounded up the sex workers found inventories of condoms with the necks tied.

WAIT... WHAT? In the course of an October story on an illfated Continental Airlines flight during which all restrooms in coach were broken, the reporter for the Star Tribune of Minneapolis sought reactions from experts. Calling the

toilet failures a “bad situation that hasn’t been addressed” was Robert Brubaker, a spokesman for something called the American Restroom Association, “a Baltimore-based advocacy group for toilet users.”

OUR ANIMAL OVERLORDS An Oxford University researcher reported in August on the African crested rat, which is so ingenious that it slathers poison, from chewing the A. schimperi plant, onto an absorbent strip of fur on its back as protection against predators many times larger. The researcher observed firsthand a dog quivering in fear after just one failed mouthful of a crested rat’s fur in his laboratory. The noxious goo is also used by African tribesmen on their hunting arrows.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations, 200 words or less (which we reserve the right to edit), changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent, to “Eh Brah!” c/o MauiTime, 33 N. Market St, Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 or send an e-mail to

ehbrah@mauitime.com

A

smash and grab on a fruit stand cash box? That’s low, brah. The guy sells huge, buttery avos for 50 cents and starfruit for a dime. I could get a bag of fruit there for pocket change, and it’s walking distance from my house. And since you robbed him, he has stopped supplying the stand. Yeah, you put him out of business. And you got what, 10 dollars out of it? Not even enough for a 12-pack. You suck at life, brah, I hope you get blindsided by a cane truck. ■

OH DEAR! An October Associated Press dispatch from New Orleans warned that “Caribbean crazy ants” are invading five Southern states by the millions, and because their death triggers distress signals to their pals for revenge attacks, up to 10 times as many might replace any population wiped out. Said a Texas exterminator, of a pesticide he once tried, “In 30 days I had 2 inches of dead ants covering [an] entire half-acre,” and still the ants kept coming, crawling across the carcasses. Texas, Louisiana and Mississippi are currently the most vulnerable.

CUTTING EDGE SCIENCE

Illustration by Ron Pitts mauiartistronpitts.com

Japan’s Showa University School of Dentistry has for several years been training future practitioners using life-sized synthetic patients from Orient Industry, based on the company’s “sex dolls,” and recently upgraded to the fancier silicone dolls with human-feel skin that can cost as much as the equivalent of $9,000 when sold to perverts who custom-order young women for companionship. According to a July CNN report, advanced robotics added to the Showa version allow the doll to utter typical patient phrases, to sneeze, and (when trainees mishandle tools) to gag.

CREME DE LA WEIRD Police in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia, arrested a much-too-zealous expert on local cemeteries in November, suspected of digging up the bodies of 29 women buried in the city and taking them to his apartment. Local media identified him as prominent historian Anatoly Moskvin, 45, possessor of “certain quirks,” including making solitary forays through the hundreds of graveyards in the region. Police found the mummified corpses, outfitted in dresses and headscarves, in Moskvin’s home, along with an assortment of plastic dolls wearing frilly dresses. ■ chuck@mauitime.com To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1525n4

DECEMBER 8, 2011

11

Living Christmas Tree

How Plant A Wish is saving the world–and the holidays–one tree at a time By Jen Russo Photos by Sean Michael Hower

They’re called Ohi‘a lehua trees. They’re a flowering evergreen that are endemic to Hawaii. They also have the potential of changing Christmas as we know it on Maui. For the last five years, Joe Imhoff and his wife Sara Tekula have put on a “Planting Christmas” project offer-

ing potted ohi’a lehua trees as a substitute for an artificial or cut conifer that you buy in a supermarket parking lot. They’re the same people who run Plant a Wish, which began in 2010 with the goal of planting native trees in all 50 U.S. states and producing a documentary film on the

MAUITIME: How did the idea of planting a Christmas tree first come about?

MAUITIME: Do your trees come with instructions for planting?

SARA TEKULA: There’s this old tradition from Germany where a tree is cut and brought into the home. Considering we’re on an island that is in need of MORE trees, we figured why not flip the script and plant a tree for the holidays. There are many places around the world that simply can’t plant their Christmas trees because of the cold weather or frozen ground. But we don’t have that problem here in Hawaii. And our native trees are beautiful.

TEKULA: We work with each individual buyer on selecting the best area of their property to plant, and provide information guides about their particular species of tree.

JOE IMHOFF: There’s something really awesome about caring for a living tree. You don’t have to dispose of it after the holidays. Instead you can keep your Christmas tree and watch it grow. We have a small forest growing in our backyard, filled with Christmas trees from the past. MAUITIME: Is it detrimental to the environment when people purchase cut trees? TEKULA: There are some really smart sustainable tree farmers who are doing it right, but there are many more who do not. Purchasing a cut tree just feels silly when you can purchase a live one. And we all know that shipping plant material into Hawaii is really risky business and puts a major burden on our ag inspectors to check shipments fast and get the trees to the sales lot. They do a great job, but there’s always a risk involved. IMHOFF: In Hawaii, many invasive bug species have come over on cut trees from the mainland. This has been devastating in some cases. Plus, with all the oil and gas that it takes to get the trees here, it’s way more sustainable to buy local trees.

12

DECEMBER 8, 2011

IMHOFF: I deliver the trees personally, and go over the steps of planting the trees with the customers, addressing any questions they might have. MAUITIME: How long will they last in the pot? TEKULA: Potted trees really want to be in the ground, so their roots can spread out and they can set up their permanent home. We recommend planting them as soon as possible after the holidays. We also think the trees will benefit from a few day trips outside during the course of the time they’re inside your home–so they can soak up some sunlight and breathe. IMHOFF: They can last a long time in the pot. However, it’s good to get them in the ground as soon as possible. They’ll be much happier in the ground. MAUITIME: Are they safe to decorate while in the pot? TEKULA: We always decorate our potted trees with beautiful, lightweight bulbs and organically made ornaments. Each year, we’ve had a different tree species, so we always make sure we’re not overloading the tree. So we adjust. MAUITIME: Can I hang electric lights on my live tree? TEKULA: We use LED lights on our live trees;

project. Plant a Wish completed their expedition on Arbor Day, Nov. 5, with a grand finale celebration on Maui. I recently caught up with the green thumbs to find out the details on both Planting Christmas and their Plant a Wish film project (call 808-250-1469 for more info).

they don’t run as hot and use less electricity. IMHOFF: Yes, just unplug before you water the tree. MAUITIME: What made you choose this particular tree? IMHOFF: The ohi‘a lehua we’re offering has gorgeous red flowers that bloom throughout the year, and it’s quite a versatile tree. It once grew on the islands from sea level to 9,000 feet in elevation, and native birds love them. They were once a very dominant component in Hawaii’s native forest. TEKULA: They’ve got really beautiful dark green leaves which almost mimics the color of evergreen trees, and bees love them, too! MAUITIME: Is there an alternative to planting the tree in my yard that still coincides with your vision for the trees? IMHOFF: Yes, we are planning a tree planting event after the New Year for all participants who need a place to plant their Christmas tree. TEKULA: We can also plant the tree for them, and dedicate it to a family member or friend. In the past, we’ve sold multiple trees that were tree planting dedications, which make great holiday gifts. Our vision for the trees is to bring them into Maui’s landscape again, to bring back the health of our precious lands. MAUITIME: How did all this start? TEKULA: Our first native tree planting on Maui was at our wedding, on February 14, 2007, on a flower farm in Kula. We had used a native

tree for our Christmas tree a few months prior. We had waited too long to shop for a Christmas tree, and the island was out of the usual cut trees, so Joe bought a koa. At first it felt a little like A Charlie Brown Christmas, but it grew on me that this was a really special tree and that we’d plant it. We still needed to plant it when the time came for our wedding ceremony. So we decided the tree planting would be part of our ceremony. Minutes before walking down the aisle, Joe was shoveling dirt and getting the planting site ready. I think that’s pretty damn romantic. IMHOFF: We came up with this idea to dig the hole right at the entrance to the ceremony, where all of our friends and family would be passing by as they arrived. There was a table with scraps of paper and pens, and friends of ours stood there, explaining that Sara and I requested that they write their wishes for us and drop them into the hole. Then, late that night, after everyone had gone home, Sara and I quietly planted it together. We still visit the tree, which has now grown to be much taller than us. We realized that there was something special about planting your wishes under a special tree, with a community. Later that year, we started our “Planting Christmas” native Hawaiian Christmas tree campaign. MAUITIME: Do either of you have a background in agriculture? IMHOFF: Ever since I’ve moved to Maui, I’ve been some kind of a land steward. Whether it’s the land I live on, or the land I work on [Skyline Eco-Adventure’s Crater Road location], I have always just felt compelled to take care of this

that we can give the editing process the dedication and resources it needs to be done in a high-quality way. My dream is that someone will learn about the wealth of footage we have, and the unique story we have already endured, and come on board with funding to help us make a killer film with a wide reach. From experience I can safely say that post production is always the most expensive part of a film, and if it’s not done right, it can be even MORE expensive than that. Our next steps involve shooting additional interviews and scenic footage in Hawaii, organizing our footage for the edit–a must when you have 200 hours like we do–then working with writing consultants who can help us create our story arc. Then we will be hiring an editor. While Joe and I have an edit bay at our home studio, and are darn good editors ourselves, we both agree that we’re too close to the project. We’ve got to put our individual egos aside and open up to a third party perspective. It will do the film a world of good in terms of reaching our audience effectively. I really see this film entering (and hopefully winning) festivals, and being screened in all 50 states, near or around the places where our trees are now growing.

Sara Tekula and Joe Imhoff planting an Ohi‘a lehua tree

place. The more I learned about the history of Maui’s badly damaged landscape, the more I knew I needed to dedicate myself to repairing it. TEKULA: I’m the daughter of a fisherman dad and a gardener mom. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had an appreciation of how the land provides for us, and how we need to be an active caretaker of it. I always helped my dad on the boat and my mom in the garden. I spent a lot of time in nature as a kid. Moving to Maui in 2004 really deepened my connection. This place is precious, extraordinarily special and extremely fragile. The ecosystems that once operated to their fullest potential on Maui are now either non-existent or badly damaged and teeter tottering on the edge of collapse–all due to human choices. Rather than get mad at the people who made it this way, I take my energy and use it to promote better stewardship and simple things like planting native trees in your yard to create backyard habitats. MAUITIME: Do you keep track of how many trees you plant on Maui? How many in the Mainland? IMHOFF: Well, I plant trees all the time. Sometimes it’s part of my job at Skyline. Other times, it’s at home or on a friend’s property or joining up with another organization’s volunteer project. I would say I’ve easily planted over 2,000 trees myself on Maui, and many of those plantings Sara was a part of too. TEKULA: We definitely keep track of the number of trees we plant through Plant a Wish, but we also count the number of people who participate with us. We think the number of people actively caring for the land is equally, if not more important. And of course, there was our Plant a Wish Tour Finale, held statewide, with Joe and I planting on Maui. Joe and I were responsible for planting 600 trees that day, but we also promoted our finale statewide and encouraged all islands to hold Plant a Wish ceremonies of their own on that day. I’m proud to report that there were at least

33 other Plant a Wish events happening in Hawaii on that day, specifically to be in solidarity with us, on November 5th. And the total trees planted that day was 1,243. The number of people who participated throughout the state was 376–this included people on every island, besides Kaho‘olawe. Our mainland tree/people totals are: 181 trees in 49 states plus Washington DC, and approximately 1,200 people. We organized and participated in a total of 52 planting events on the mainland, planting in some states twice. MAUITIME: What kind of trees were you planting on the Mainland? Do they recognize the significance of native trees the same as we do on Maui?

of Iowa is plowed or paved. Farmers in the region are now being encouraged to plant natives to help control fertilizer run off and over all soil/air/water health in the area. TEKULA: It was like a puzzle for us to solve in each state. Finding the location first, then learning about the location and what the soil/ ecosystem was like there, and then finding a local nursery that was willing to donate one or more of the right kind of trees. It was really fun to study and research and learn, and I have to say that we both have gained a wealth of knowledge about what makes ecosystems work around the country.

IMHOFF: I’m really excited about the editing process. I can’t wait to dive into the sea of footage and remove everything that’s not the film. We hope to have it completed by the summer of 2012 and qualify for festivals in 2013. MAUITIME: What is in store for 2012 for Plant a Wish? IMHOFF: We’ve been invited to host a tree planting ceremony in honor of the 20th anniversary of the East Maui Watershed Partnership in January. We’re really looking forward to that and we’re honored that they asked us to participate with them. We love what they do for Maui. TEKULA: I’m looking forward to continuing to share the story and mission of Plant a Wish with organizations, schools, just about anyone who wants us to. I want to show as much support as possible to the organizations who have

“There’s this old tradition from Germany where a tree is cut and brought into the home...why not flip the script and plant a tree.”

IMHOFF: Everywhere we went, we had two requirements: One, the trees we planted MUST be native to the area, and two, the trees had to be left behind with caretakers. So, we planted all kinds of trees: desert trees, rainforest trees, deciduous trees, evergreens, you name it. Wherever possible, we looked to plant the longest-lived trees, like oaks or other hardwoods, to have the biggest impact. Maples were common, and also trees that would feed birds, like Serviceberry trees in the Eastern states. In a lot of places we went on the Mainland, we’d discover that while native trees were still around, they were secondgrowth trees, meaning the old growth had been cut for lumber and a second generation was growing back. These younger trees aren’t performing the same functions at the same levels as the older trees once did and often they don’t grow back in the same way, requiring a lot of management and forest thinning. Clear cutting is just not natural and it throws the balance off in the forest. People are waking up to the important role that natives can play in land restoration and overal ecosystem health. Ninety-seven percent

Native trees are important all over the country, for cultural, ecological, historical and other reasons. One thing we did notice, however, is that much unlike our island ecosystem, on the Mainland trees can be native to an enormous regional area. Certain species of maple, oak and pine are native to a whole bunch of states. Here in isolated Hawaii, though, our natives are endemic to our state, meaning if we lose them here, we lose them from the entire planet. They won’t be found anywhere else. MAUITIME: So you have completed a few goals, like planting trees in every state, planting native trees on Maui. Now you are working on your film? How is the editing going? TEKULA: Our next step is to raise funds to pay for our post-production process. We’re researching grants and other types of funding so

been taking good care of the native lands we still have left on Maui. And ideally, we’ll use our experience and alliances around the country to bring tree planting on Maui to the next level. That year will be about taking the Plant a Wish project back home to where we live, to make a significant difference in how each person can better care for the the land–right where they live. And then of course, when the film’s complete, we want to share the film with as many people as possible. Oh, and then in December 2012, the world ends, right? [Wink]. So there’s that to look forward to, as well. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1525L Comment on this story at mauitime.com

DECEMBER 8, 2011

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BY JEN RUSSO

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hen a rock star launches a liquor you know there will be a great party and gorgeous marketing, though it rarely happens in Maui. So when I received the invitation (packaged in the form of a parchment titled “There’s going to be a RUM-ble� and rolled into a glass bottle with a cork), I knew it was going to be fun.

a character, as smooth as his rum. He was happy to chat with us and sip Beach Bar rum “rocktails.� Hard Rock was serving the rocking daiquiri, the Maui Mai Tai and the Maui Libre, all from the rocker’s own Beach Bar library of drinks. Hagar is no freshman when it comes to making liquor. His Cabo Wabo is the number two selling tequila in the U.S., and he cashed out for $80 million. But Hagar is looking at this new rum project a little differently.

PHOTOS BY DAVE & DEREK/SHOOK ON THE GO!

Judges Mick Fleetwood and Sam Choy

With Sammy’s Beach Bar Rum, we got lucky. Not only does Sammy Hagar love and live on Maui, but the product is actually distilled here, too. The Hard Rock Cafe Lahaina hosted the private party, which included lots of fancy pupus I've never seen the Hard Rock do before, and plenty of cocktails to showcase the new rum. There were shots of Sammy’s Beach Bar Rum served neat lined up all over the bar. I took a quick lesson from James Shoemaker, distiller intern and Maui qualifier for the Don the Beachcomber MaiTai contest, on tasting a fine distilled rum (Dan Beaudry of Haui’s Life’s a Beach helped, too). “Hold it deep in the back of your throat for a few seconds, and breath through your nose,� Shoemaker said. With a side glance at Beaudry, we downed the white rum and savored the flavors. It was incredibly smooth. Next up was my celebrity photo op. Not used to such appearances, I was a little shy, but some quick coaxing from the photographers told me not to miss my chance to get my photo with Sammy Hagar. Hagar is

Sammy Hagar and Mark Nigbur

Right now Beach Bar Rum is only available in Hawaii. The proceeds from his launch party went to the Hana Youth Center’s “Walk in My Shoes� fundraiser campaign, and Hagar continues to stay close to the community of Maui by donating to many non profits that focus on kids. The magic behind the Beach Bar Rum begins with the Maui turbinado sugar, obtained from Hawaiian Commercial & Sug-

ar. It ends at the hands of Master Distiller Mark Nigbur at his Hali’imaile distillery. Nigbur designs his own stills and developed the rum for Hagar. Nigbur could also be Hagar’s doppelgänger, and after their chance meeting a few years ago it was an instant friendship. Nigbur and his son Cory handle the creation of the rum from the mash recipe, to his unique one-of-akind stills, as well as bottling and boxing. “The product is exactly to Sammy’s specifications,â€? said Nigbur. “He is very hands on in the process.â€? Nigbur was already a few years in to creating his Pau vodka at his distillery from Hali’imaile pineapples, but was excited at the new prospect of creating a brand new rum for Hagar. “I thought, how can I make a pure silver sipping rum but not take the soul out of it?â€? Nigbur said. “I wanted to keep that rum feel, but we weren’t out to make a Bacardi. When I got the samples ready to send out to Sammy, I had a feeling that we had something really good here.â€? In a blind tasting Hagar chose Nigbur’s rum sample, and the rest is history. You can sample some of this Maui distilled spirit at Hard Rock Maui, David Paul’s Island Grill, Royal Lahaina and Castaway Cafe on the Westside. You will find it at Sarento’s, Haui’s Life’s a Beach and the Marriott Wailea Pool Bar in South Maui, and the Hali’imaile General Store. It’s also available at Foodland, Walgreen’s and Cash and Carry. â– jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

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DECEMBER 8, 2011

12/9

FOOD&DRINK

Willie K’s show at Mulligan’s never gets old BY JEN RUSSO

PHOTOS BY SEAN MICHAEL HOWER

Judges Mick Fleetwood and Sam Choy Jerry Byers & Willy K playing at Mulligan's

I

f you’re one of those folks who adhere to the Been-There, DoneThat philosophy, I hope you don’t live here. Maui is one of those places with few people and limited choices, which means your “experience” may not actually come until your second time around. One of my recent re-experiences was taking visiting friends, Maui ex-pat Sam Campos, AKA Holoholo Girl, and her significant other Andrew DeAngelo, Harborside Health Center (star of the new Discovery Channel series Weed Wars), to see Willie K at Mulligan’s on the Blue. Sure, I’ve seen Willie K before (many times, actually) and it sounds cheesy to say that each time was special, but it’s true. Each show was also different. His range is far reaching, and he plays so many different genres that it’s hard to box him in. At his Mulligan’s show, Willie shares the stage with bass player Jerry Byers. Willie started with some mellow stuff, playing Gershwin’s “Summertime” and reminiscing about the music he listened to with his dad. “Maui has gone on without me,” Holoholo Girl said as we chatted over Ketel One and soda. “Hardly,” I said. “I still field whiners who pine about how great your column was.” We perused the fantastic three-course menu. The menu at Mulligan’s is always good, partly because the chef changes it weekly. You have your choice of appetizer, main and dessert. We sat outside under the mellow Wailea climate, deciding between braised short ribs, fresh catch and chicken cannelloni. While DeAngelo and my husband went deep into conversation about the politics of medicinal marijuana, social media conno-

tations and the upcoming show while Sam filled me in on their stay at the controversial Modern Honolulu, formerly known as the Waikiki Edition–the recent victim of a corporate tussle. Over mouthfuls of our Irish taquitos and caprese, Willie K charmed us with his stories of growing up, working in restaurants and just surviving as one of 13 kids. When Willie brought up his youngest daughter to sing Marley’s “Don’t Worry,” I got to see the proud papa come out in him. “This female version of me is a great payback,” he said as he explained that she is a natural performer who loves to be onstage. Later, his older daughter came out and danced the hula. As he (a huge fan of The Wizard of Oz) started in on the Kamakawiwo’ole version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” my 5yr old daughter lost it, since it’s her favorite song. Meanwhile we dug into perfectly braised short ribs and a fantastic, fresh mahi. As we devoured the last of the house-made tiramasu, the crowd was totally into his Hawaiian ukulele rendition of Pavarotti. Willie seemed at his best in front of this crowd, and we were completely enamored. We have even impressed our big city visitors. As I snuck off to the back of the kitchen to give my regards to the crew, I knew that we would totally do this again. Reservations are highly recommended, and seating starts at 5:30pm. Willie K’s Wailea Nights are Wednesdays, but this month he has added special Thursday shows on the 15th and 29th. Call 808-874-1131 for your spot. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

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PICKS

This Week's Picks

DIVERSIONS, DALLIANCES & DATES BY ANU YAGI

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 Calling All Hoarders and Trash Artists - In an attempt to raise awareness about the global marine debris issue, the Kaho’olawe Island Reserve Commision (KIRC) is giving away tons of marine debris (literally–or is it litter-ally?) that they’ve collected over the last year on the island of Kaho’olawe. But you’ve gotta be able to haul it away today. Is your hoader head spinning with ideas for a masterpiece or five? Ours are! We’ll see you there... Please visit kahoolawe.hawaii.gov or e-mail cking@kirc.hawaii.gov for more information.

Reuben Cantere Skate/Surf Art Show - If you’ve noticed–and love–Kihei artist Reuben Cantere’s work on the walls of Wailuku’s MauiThing, or on the surfboard sign at the South Shore Tiki Lounge, you’ll be thrilled to know an exhibition of his latest work kicks off tonight with a special event at Tiki’s (where DJ Jay.P brings the noise, to boot). Cantere considers the skate park at Kalama Park his second home, and his work’s inspired by the Southside’s skate and surf scene, plus a recent trip to Tahiti. No cover. 8pm. South Shore Tiki Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-6444

FRIDAY, FRIDAY A , DECE DECEMBER C MBE 9 Stella Blues Cafe’s 20th Anniversary Party - Fri., Dec. 9. Join the Stella Blues crew for an evening of celebration and thanks for 20 great years. This nonpareil pub’s where amazing entertainment meets good eats–and over the last two decades we’ve all made and shared great memories together. To celebrate, they’ve stacked the lineup– so check out our Da Kine Calendar’s Big Shows section for all the details. $5. 8:30pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 8743779; stellablues.com/facebook.com/stellablues

The Throwdowns with Owaila - Fri, Dec. 9. The heavy hitting Hawaiians of Owaila play their first acoustic set, joining pop perfectionists The Throwdowns in a pre-Christmas concert bash that’s not-tobe-missed. 10pm. Three’s Bar & Gril (1945-G S. Kihei Rd.); 879-3113; thethrowdowns.com PHOTO BY TONY NOVAK-CLIFFORD

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10 Fifth Annual Makawao Town Holiday Celebration - This heartwarming Christmas festival in Upcountry’s quaintest paniolo town is fast becoming a holiday tradition. Shops open at 10am, offering holiday deals and refreshments while local restaurants (like Casanova, Stopwatch, Polli’s, Makawao Garden Cafe, Market Fresh Bistro and Makwao Steakhouse) offer awesome dining specials. Throughout the day, enjoy a marching band, Christmas carolers, a make-your-own garland station and fine artist demonstrations throughout town (they’re even painting a horse!). Plus, keiki are invited to take part in the creation of a large mural. Proceeds from the garland and mural (to be sectioned, cut and sold as wrapping paper) benefit Makawao Elementary and Kalama Intermediate. See our Da Kine Calendar for entertainment and activity lineup. Free. 10am-7pm. Makawao Town (Baldwin & Makwao Avenues); 572-6887; makawaocommunity.org

Boyz II Men - Mowtown Philly’s back again-again. Hey, am I the only one who thought the lyrics “ABC BBD” was about bebadeeze (not Bel Biv DeVoe)? Auwe, eh? I’m some babooze! Anyway, yeah. Boyz II Men is coming to Maui–so prepare fo’ da flashbacks! $45/$60/$75. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

PHOTO BY ROB RATKOWSKI

SUNDAY, SU S UN ND D DAY, DECEMBER 1 11 Pacific Whale Foundation’s Stand Up For the Whales - Paddlers–including kayakers and SUP–are invited to be a part of a “paddle-powered pod” with the Pacific Whale Foundation (PWF), in a 3.2 mile group excursion along the South Maui coast. The event begins at Haycraft Park (Ma’alaea; 8am) and ends at Kenolio Park (Kihei, with a return shuttle to Ma’alaea provided). Participants receive a free PWF rash guard and medallion, plus refreshments and the chance to win great door prizes. Members: $50 / Non-members: $42 / $40 keiki 12-to 15-years-old / free for keiki 12-years-old and younger (sorry, keiki won’t get a free rash guard, and all youth must be accompanied by a legal guardian). Save on registration by signing up by Dec. 9 For more information, call 249-8811 49 8811 or visit pacifi pacificwhale.org

Steve Miller Band & Dave Mason - Sun., Dec. 11. Calling all jokers, smokers and midnight tokers! Get the “big boss man” to give you the night off because you won’t want to miss this “golden opportunity” to see the Steve Miller Band. $55/$65/$85/$125. 7pm. A&B Amphitheater/Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12 St. Nick’s Pet Pics - Get your pet to pose for holiday photos at Queen Ka‘ahumanu Center’s island-inspired Santa set. Those who get geeky over their furry friends will wag their tails at this purrfect chance to dress-up Fido in his most festive getup and parade him in public. Enjoy sameday prints. 6-8pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com

Maui OnStage’s December ONO! Show: Every Christmas Story Ever Told (And Then Some) - Mon., Dec. 12. Every second Mon. of tthe month, Maui OnStage presents another neat installment in their free ONO! (i.e. one night only!) theater series. Because they couldn’t settle on just one holiday tale, the peeps at MoS decided to do ‘em all. Every Christmas Story… is an uproarious 90 min. parody that incorporates stories from Rudolph to It’s A Wonderful Life. Free. 6:30pm. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 244-8680; mauionstage.com

TUESDAY, DECEMBER ECEMB 13 AC/DCember: Highway to Heal - “Let there be rock!” Sure, this event scores major points for being so cleverly named, but the best attribute of this three-night tribute to Australia’s AC/DC is that it’s a benefit for Mauian Merry Tamashiro, who’s bravely battling lymphoma. Hosted by local comedian Chino LaForge the events feature p the talents of the isle’s biggest-balled (lyrically speaking) of Maui’s th musicians. Begin “rocking all the way” tonight at Kihei’s Stella Blues Cafe, and keep the party going Wed., Dec. 14 at LuLu’s Lahaina and Thu., Dec. 15 at Kahului Ale House. And remember, “for those about to rock, we salute you.” All shows 9-11pm.

2nd Almost-Annual Taco Eating Contest ntest - Eew. We know what you’re thinking when you hear “taco co eating contest”– and man, c’mon, don’t be gross. Besides, s, don’t you know that it’s Dollar Taco Tuesday, like, every ery Tuesday at Haui’s LAB? Not only are their piquant parabolas just a buck a piece, they offer $3 Corona and d $3 Cuervo shots all day. It’s one of those you-can’t-afford-not-afford-notto scenarios. Now get your head out of the gutter! No cover. 9pm-close. Haui’s Life’s A Beach (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-8010

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14 WE Kalama Intermediate ‘Ukulele Band - Semper Poly! These four-stringin’ phenoms are so awesome, they can even play their ‘ukuleles behind their heads. Fo’ realz. Check it out! Free. 4pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall (Honoapiilani Hwy.); 661-5304; lahainacannery.com

18

DECEMBER 8, 2011

Kihei Lutheran Church Holiday Performance - There’s nothing quite like sweet Chirstmastime choir music to soothe your mood whilst holiday shopping. Free. 7-8:30pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com

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CALENDAR

Da Kine Calendar

Thursday

BY ANU YAGI

12/8

BIG SHOWS

Friday

12/9 Saturday

12/10 Sunday

12/11

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DECEMBER 8, 2011

SOLO SESSIONS: JAKE SHIMABUKURO - Thu., Dec. 8. Jake Shimabukuro, Hawaii’s ‘ukulele ambassador, is renowned for his lightning-fast strumming on a big-hearted little instrument. Sit-in on an unplugged session with Shimabukuro as he takes his virtuosic playing to new heights, and enjoy selections from his 2011 release, “Peace Love ‘Ukulele.� $25 standard/$45 VIP. 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org HALF PINT (JAMAICA) WITH GUIDANCE BAND (OAHU) - Two shows: Thu., Dec. 8 at Timba/Fri., Dec. 9 at Casanova. Embarking on a tri-isle Hawaiian tour, West Kingston’s Half Pint (a.k.a. Lindon Andrew Roberts) returns to Maui. The kiddies might best know Half Pint’s work via Sublime’s “What I Got,� which is an adaptation of Half Pint’s song “Loving,� but his chart toppers have been catching the eye of the likes of Rolling Stone since the ‘80s. The Gathering Place’s own Guidance Band toured (and recorded) with Half Pint during his last Hawaii visit, and says of their music, “through deep roots rythms, light hearted melodies and uplifting lyrics demanding unity, we chant down the wicked in these tough esoteric times.� Thu., Dec. 8 at Timba: 9:45pm. $10; timbamaui. com/Fri., Dec. 9 at Casanova (1188 Makawao Ave.): $10 cover. 10pm; casanovamaui.com A NIGHT OF MUSICAL FUSHION WITH DANIEL BERNARD ROUMAIN - Fri., Dec. 9. Seamlessly mixing cutting-edge funk, rock, hip-hop and classical music, Daniel Bernard Roumain is a genre-jumping violinist who’ll be here to showcase tracks from his latest album, “Woodbox Beats & Balladry.� This concert is set to be a musical exploration between concert violin and hip-hop. Joined by Elan Vytal (a.k.a. DJ Scientific), the core of the performance is Roumain’s signature, custom sixstring amplified violin. $12/$30/$40. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org STELLA BLUES CAFE’S 20TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY - Fri., Dec. 9. See This Week’s Picks for more. To celebrate 20 great years, Stella Blues Cafe’s stacked their entertainment lineup to include Dr. Nat (of Rio Ritmo), 8-8:30m; Ahumanu (Liz, Joni & Jesse), 8:309pm; Rand Coon & Randall Rospond (of the Haiku Hillbillys), 9-9:30pm; Cyrus Clarke, 9:3010pm; Tom Cherry, 10-10:30pm; Danyel Alana & Damon Parrillo, 10:30-11pm; Kathy Collins, 11-11:30pm; and culminates with Randall Rospond and special guests David Choy, Danny Meola, Kerry Sofaly & Thomas Goodlunas, 11:30pm-12:15am. $5. 8:30pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.), 87-3779; stellablues. com/facebook.com/stellablues THE THROWDOWNS WITH OWAILA - Fri, Dec. 9. See This Week’s Picks for more. 10pm. Three’s Bar & Gril (1945-G S. Kihei Rd.); 8793113; thethrowdowns.com MAUI CHORAL ARTS ASSOCIATION PRESENTS A SYMPHONY OF CAROLS Sat., Dec. 10. “In concert with the community,� the Maui Choral Arts Association (featuring

conductor/artistic director Celia Canty, Maui Concert Chorus, UH Maui College Chorus, Petite Orchestra and guest soloist Robert E. Wills) present “carols and songs of celebration from around the world.� Advance tickets available at Topaz Goldsmith (Dolphin Plaza, Kihei), online at mauichroalarts.org or by phone (1-800-838-3006). $20 adult/$10 youth 18-years-old and under. 6:15pm doors/ 7pm show. Kihei Baptist Church (1655 S. Kihei Rd.) BOYZ II MEN - Sat., Dec. 10. See This Week’s Picks for more. $45/$60/$75. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org PICNIC IN PARADISE: A BENEFIT FOR PRAYER ROCK FOUNDATION AND SOURCE - Sun., Dec. 11. Headlined by The FreeRadicals Projekt (alongside a slew of other bands and DJs), this big show encourages dancing, swimming and whale watching. Food and craft vendors offer you the chance to indulge in ono grinds and get ahead on your holiday shopping. Sponsored by KonaRed (a kick-ass, antioxidant-rich wellness beverage made on Maui from the coffee fruit, a byproduct of the bean industry). Advance tickets available at Requests (Wailuku), The Wine Corner (Paia) and Monsoon India (Kihei). $15 advance / $20 door / free for keiki. 12-8pm. The Sugarman Makena Estate (free shuttle from offsite parking at Mulligan’s on the Blue); konared.com STEVE MILLER BAND & DAVE MASON - Sun., Dec. 11. See This Week’s Picks for more. $55/$65/$85/$125. 7pm. A&B Amphitheater/Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org AC/DCEMBER: HIGHWAY TO HEAL Three big shows: Tue.-Thu., Dec. 13-15. Join Maui’s most rockin’ musicians for a three-night tribute to AC/DC; benefit concert for Merry Tamashiro (who’s bravely battling lymphoma), hosted by Chino LaForge. Kicks off Tue. at Stella Blues Cafe and continues Wed., Dec 14 at LuLu’s Lahaina and Thu., Dec., 15 at Kahului Ale House. All shows 9-11pm.

STAGE PROARTS PRESENTS “RUTHLESS!� Opens Fri., Dec. 9. Runs Thu., Fri., and Sat. through Dec. 18 (followed by a holiday hiatus), returning Jan. 6-15. This witty, campy off-Broadway hit is the final show of ProArts’s Fall/Winter season, and follows the story of a naive 1950s housewife and her adorable–but sociopathic 8-year-old daughter. Starring Lia Krueger, Heider Turner, Kristi Scott, Dale Button, Alison Mikes and Rose Roselinsky, plus the choreography talents of Aly Cardinalli. Musical direction by Anne Durham and Marti Kluth, retro costumes by Sarah Loney, scenery by Caro Walker and lighting by Bonnie Brucha. Produced by Jonathan Lehman. 7:30pm Thu-Sat./3pm Sun. $25 adults/$20 youth 18-years-old and younger. ProArts Playhouse, Azeka (Makai) Shopping Center (1280 S. Kihei Rd.); 463-6550; proartspacific.com MAUI ONSTAGE PRESENTS “A CHRISTMAS CAROL� - Last chance! Runs Fri., Sat.,

and Sun. through Dec. 11. Maui’s own Mark Collmer returns as Ebenezer Scrooge. Tickets available at Wailuku’s If The Shoe Fits and Kihei’s Lava Java. Fri. & Sat. 7:30pm. Sun. 3:30pm. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 242-6969; mauionstage.com MAUI ONSTAGE’S DECEMBER ONO! SHOW: “EVERY CHRISTMAS STORY EVER TOLD (AND THEN SOME)� - Mon., Dec. 12. See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 6:30pm. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 244-8680; mauionstage.com

TICKETS ON SALE SLACK KEY MASTERS WITH DANIEL HO AND TIA CARRERE - Thu., Dec. 15. Cooler-than-cool Uncle George Kahumoku hosts his signature show, opening with his Grammy-winning musical and storytelling talents. This month showcases slack key musician Daniel Ho who will be joined on stage by Grammy Award winning singer and actress (of “Wayne’s World� fame), Tia Carrere. $25 standard/$45 VIP with artist talk-story session. 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org SAVE THE DATE: ROOTS SCHOOL’S FOURTH ANNUAL HOLIDAY SHOW - Fri., Dec. 16. “Family fun and kinship is the name of the game at the ROOTS Fourth Annual Holiday Show.� Entertainment includes headliners “The Uncalled Fors,� plus Japanese/ Indian dancer Akari Ueoka. Other performers include Sammy & His Band, Neshi, Gabriel & Friends, Kate Griffiths, Wesley Furumoto and Sundance & Windcloud. Keiki activities include face painting, picture frame-and clay-figuring building, painting and beading. $15 adults / $7 keiki. 5-9pm. Studio Maui (810 Haiku Rd.); 250-7988; rootsmaui.com PACIFIC WHALE FOUNDATION’S GOLF FORE THE WHALES - Sat., Dec. 17 - To help support the marine education of Maui’s keiki, this tourney features contests, prizes, a silent auction and reception with appetizers and live entertainment. Shotgun start (12pm), fourperson scramble. Members: $100 by Dec. 9 / $150 after Dec. 9. Non-members: $130 by Dec. 9 / $160 after Dec. 9. Makena Beach and Golf Resort, North Course; 249-8811 ext. 1; pacficwhale.org GENERATIONS: KEKUHI KEALI‘IKANAKA ‘OLE - Sat., Dec. 17. A multi-talented tita, Kekuhi’s Na Hoku Hanohano award-winning music demonstrates what it means to be Hawaiian today. Making this special night a family affair, Kekuhi’s mother and son will be joining her onstage during this intimate concert. $30. 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC, (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org COMEDIAN BILL MAHER - Sun., Jan. 1. Who cares if atheists ain’t got no songs? We’ve got Bill Maher! See you there. $35.50/$45.50/$65.50/$85.50. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

12/8

12/9

12/10

12/11

12/12 - 12/14

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

ALE HOUSE

NFL

Braddah Francis 4-8pm / Power Up Crew’s DJ Kollision, k.s.k and Sexy Boss Lady Angels 10pm; no cover

AMBROSIA

Jamie Gallo, 7pm / Old School Thursdays w/ DJ Del Sol, 10pm

Whatever You Want w/ DJ AstroRaph, 10pm

Sunrise Saturdaze w/ DJ Decka, 10pm

CASANOVA

Maui Stand Up Comedy w/ Chino La Forge 10pm; $10

Jamaica’s Half Pint w/ Guidance Band 10pm; $10

Makawao Town X-mas Party w/ Sheron DePonte & The Silverspur Band 9:30pm; $10

CHARLEY’S

Wavetrain feat. Mark Johnstone 10pm; no cover

The Kihei Cowboys 9pm; $5

The Danyel Alana Trio 9:30pm; $5

NFL Sunday Ticket

COOL CAT CAFE

Barefoot Minded 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Caroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Caroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Erin Smith 7:30-10pm; no cover

MON - Peter deAquino, 7:30-10pm / TUE - Live Jazz, 7-10pm / WED - Jordan Cuddy, 7:30-10pm

The Kihei Cowboys 10pm; no cover

DJ Kamikaze 10pm; no cover

Ka’ale & The Truth 10pm; no cover

NFL Sunday Ticket

MON - Gomega / TUE - Rampage / WED - Juke Box Party (all sets 10pm; no cover)

DOG & DUCK IRISH PUB

Quiz Night 10pm; no cover

Dance Party 10pm; no cover

Lawaia & Johnny Ringo 10pm; no cover

Sebrina Barron 10pm; no cover

MON – Big John / TUE - Chad Kaya & Ryan Rego / WED - Jessica Rabbitt & Kanoa (all sets 10pm; no cover)

GREEN LEAF SPORTS BAR

NFL / Karoke / Free Pool Night

Live Band

UH Football / Karaoke

NFL Sunday Ticket / Karaoke

MON - NFL / WED - Go Go Dancers & DJ Music, 10pm-1am; no cover

Rampage 9pm-close; no cover

Dat Guyz 9pm-close; no cover

Uprise 9pm-close; no cover

NFL / Karaoke Industry Night 8pm-close; no cover

MON - NFL / Karaoke, 8pm-close / TUE - 2nd Almost-Annual Taco Eating Contest, 9pm-close / WED - Open Mic Night, 9pm-close

355 E. Kamehameha, Kahului - 877-9001

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-1011

1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-0220

142 Hana Hwy., Paia - 579-8085

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0908

DIAMONDS ICE BAR 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-9299

1913 S. Kihei Rd. - 875-9669

1088 Lower Main St., Wailuku - 244-4888

HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-8010

HARD ROCK CAFE 900 Front St., Lahaina - 667-7400

ISANA

515 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-8199

ANNOUNCEMENTS RENEW YOUR LIBRARY CARD–OR ELSE - The Hawaii State Public Library System’s patron database will undergo a purge of inactive accounts on Dec. 20. If you haven’t borrowed library material in the past three years (even if you are a regular user of the library’s Internet stations), you’re on the chopping block–and need to renew post haste. It’d be pretty embarrassing if tried to check out a book after Dec. 20–and you’ve got no account (but if that does happen, you can renew easily for free). But don’t think that if you’ve got outstanding charges or fees that you’re in the clear! Nope. You’re still on the hook–and they’re sending their goons. Kidding. About the goons. You do really have to pay... What are you waiting for? MAUI UNITED WAY TOY DRIVE - Donate a new toy to Maui United Way this holiday season and help support 34 partner agencies–all located right here on Maui. Get inspired by tuning-in to KPOA 93.5 FM on Dec. 11, for a live broadcast from Ka’anapali Beach Hotel with Alaka’i and Laks Abraham, who will share all the meaningful ways your donation will help Maui’s keiki. Drop-offs accepted through Dec. 20. 8am-4pm. Maui United Way (270 Ho’okahi St., Wailuku); 244-8787; kanoe@mauiunitedway.org DEADLINE EXTENSION: CLEAR THE SMOKE PHOTO PROJECT - Has tobacco affected you personally? Your family and friends? Your community? Express yourself visually by entering the Clear the Smoke Photo Project’s contest. Photographers of all skill levels are invited to submit images that address how tobacco has impacted their lives–and the submission deadline’s just been extended to Fri., Dec. 16 at 5pm (HST). Thirty photos will be chosen by

Indio & Avi 8:30pm; no cover (all ages!) Karaoke

Karaoke

a selection panel and professionally displayed in a photography exhibit at The ARTS at Marks Garage in downtown Honolulu. The ARTS at Marks Garage has donated cash prizes that will be awarded to the top three photos ($300, $150 and $50 for first, second and third place, respectively). An opening reception and unveiling of the exhibit is slated for Slow Art Friday, Jan. 20, 2012. The works will then become a traveling exhibit to be featured at different venues throughout Hawaii. For more information, visit clearthesmoke.org/photoproject.

FOODIE MAKING COCONUT OIL AT HOME WITH LEN RABAGO, JR. - Sat., Dec. 10. Born-andraised Mauian Leonard Rabago, Jr. made his first coconut oil when he was just eight-yearsold, and shares his traditional skills at Hale Akua. Learn how to harvest, grade and husk mature coconuts, then scrape coconut meat for boiling, squeezing and reducing into coconut oil. Plus, Rabago shares storage ideas and the many uses of unrefined coconut oils. Space is limited, please RSVP. $15. 11am-1pm. Hale Akua Garden Farm (110 Door of Faith Rd., Haiku); 572-9300; haleakuagardenfarm.com

EVENTS

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 CALLING ALL HOARDERS AND TRASH ARTISTS - Today, the Kaho’olawe Island Reserve Commision (KIRC) is giving away tons of marine debris. Why? See This Week’s Picks for more. PHOTOS WITH SANTA CLAUS AT QKC’S ISLAND-INSPIRED SANTA SET - Enjoy same-day photos of your pet. Located behind

UFC 140 Jones vs. Machida 4pm; $10

NFL / Simma Down Nightclub w/ DJ JamnJ 10pm; no cover

MON - NFL / Open Mic Jam Sesh w/ hostess Teri Garrison, 8pm / TUE - Clay Mortensen, 5-9pm / WED - Teri Garrison 5-8pm; free karaoke w/ host Braddah Francis, 8pm (all sets no cover)

ULTRA w/ DJ CIA, 10pm

TUE - Dirty House Tuesdays w/ DJ La Rage / WED - Red Carpet Movie Night, 7:30pm; Maui’s HI-5 Night (S.I.N.) w/ DJs Del Sol & CIA, 10pm (all sets no cover) TUE - Maui Tribe presents Willie K and The Warehouse Blues Band, 9pm; $10 / WED - Wild Wahine Wednesday w/ DJ Blast & Chilltown, 10pm; $10

The House Shakers 8:30pm; no cover (all ages!)

MON - Blues Spirit of Maui, 8:30pm / TUE - Kenny Roberts, 8:30pm (all ages!) / WED - Damon Parillo & Danyel Alana, 8:30pm (all ages)

Karaoke

WED - Karaoke

center stage. Runs Nov. 19 through Dec. 24 (times vary by day; visit our online Da Kine Calendar or mauivents.com for more). Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter. com MEET THE ARIST: CUDRA CLOVER - Every Thu. in Dec. Come see Cudra Clover paint abstract-biomorphic works on silk. Free. 12-4pm. Maui Hands, Makawao (1169 Makawao Ave.); 572-2008 ANNUAL DELAWARE DAY CELEBRATION - For locals and visitors alike, this annual event celebrates the love of the First State with those living in the 50th state. Be sure to wear a Delaware T-shirt or hat to help identify that you’re there to party. For more information and to make a reservation, call Maui First State coordinator, Adele Rugg at 879-9964 or e-mail her at adeleonmaui@yahoo.com. Free. 4pm. Ruby’s Diner, Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului) MAUI WAENA INTERMEDIATE BAND HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE - Support Maui’s musically inclined students. Free. 7-8:30pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com REUBEN CANTERE SKATE/SURF ART SHOW - See This Week’s Picks for more. No cover. 8pm. South Shore Tiki Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-6444 MAUI STAND UP COMEDY WITH CHINO LAFORGE - Ah, wintertime. Not only are the holidays stressful, but cooler weather lends to loathsome colds. Whether it’s your physical or mental health which ails you (and let’s hope not both), luckily laughter’s the best medicine. Maui’s got two healthy doses (read: two live comedy shows) comin’ at you this week–spe-

cially done-up in Christmas cheer. (PS: Can’t make it Upcountry tonight? This live comedy act hits Kihei on Dec. 10, too. See Saturday’s Events section for more.). Adult humor. $10 cover. 10pm Casanova, (1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao); 572-0220; casanovamaui.com

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9 “SUGAR PLUM FAIRIES AND TEDDY BEAR-IES” - Join Uncle Bwop and Auntie Melinda for an exciting, interactive holiday program. Kids are encouraged to dress up and bring their favorite teddy bear. Recommended for children 3-years-old and older. Keiki must be accompanied by a caregiver. [1 hour and 45 minute program.] Free. Six performances. This week: Fri., Dec. 9. 10:30am. Kahului Public Library, (90 School St., Kahului)/Sat., Dec. 10. 11am. Lahaina Public Library (680 Wharf St.). Coming weeks: Fri., Dec. 16. 10:30am. Kihei Public Library/Tue., Dec. 20. 11am Hana Public & School Library/Wed., Dec. 21. 10am. Wailuku Public Library/Thu., Dec. 22. Makawao Public Library. Visit librarieshawaii.org for more information. MEET THE ARTIST: JANET SHANER - Every Fri. in Dec. Watch Janet Shaner paint en plein air and talk story with this popular artist. Free. 12-4pm. Maui Hands, Makawao (1169 Makawao Ave.); 572-2008 MEET THE ARTIST: JACK HAMILTON - Every Fri. in Dec. Jack Hamilton demonstrates his oil painting technique. Free. 4-7pm. Maui Hands, Lahaina (612 Front St.); 667-9898 MAUI TOWN PARTIES: LAHAINA SECOND FRIDAY - This month’s theme is “Ke Aloha Kalikimaka I Lahaina,” meaning “The Love of Christmas in Lahaina.” Enjoy a winter wonderland and lighted Banyan Tree Park, the perfect place for a photo opp with Frosty they Snowman (provided by Lahaina Ice Company). The entertainment and

DECEMBER 8, 2011

21

PLAY LOUD. AT THE SUNDAY HAPPY HOUR THAT ROCKS. THE EVENING THAT EARNED CASANOVA’S THE AWARDS

WILD WAHINE WEDNESDAY

CASANOVA’S FAMOUS LADIES NIGHT BACK TO THE FUTURE W/ DJ BLAST & CHILLTOWN MUSIC STARTS @ 10PM + $10 COVER

THURSDAY DECEMBER 8TH

MAUI STAND UP COMEDY PHOTO BY: JAY PARCO PHOTOGRAPHY

HARD ROCK CAFE MAUI - THE PLACE TO BE!

SUNDAYS WITH GRAMMY AWARD WINNING ARTIST WILLIE K SUNDAY 11-3 HAPPY HOUR DRINK SPECIALS DURING THE SHOW KAMA’AINA SPECIALS ALL DAY!

“BEST LATE NIGHT IN MAUI” “BEST SINGLES SCENE IN MAUI”

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $10 COVER

LIVE ON STAGE + CHINO LA FORGE MUSIC STARTS AT 10PM $10 COVER

FRIDAY DECEMBER 9TH

FROM JAMAICA LEGENDARY REGGAE ARTIST

HALF PINT WITH THE

“COMOPOLITAN GIRL” - GREETINGS

GUIDANCE BAND + REGGAE ROOTS AT ITS BEST SHOW STARTS AT 9:30PM $10 COVER

SATURDAY DECEMBER 10TH

THE MAKAWAO TOWN CHRISTMAS PARTY WITH

SHARON DEPONTE &

COUNTRY ROCK

THE SILVERPUR BAND

$3 domestic drafts $4 domestic bottles $4 premium well drinks $5 wines

SHOW STARTS AT 9PM $10 COVER

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 29TH

WILLIE K WAREHOUSE BLUES BAND ARE BACK EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT!

MAKE IT A MEMORABLE EVENING + DINE & DANCE AT CASANOVA FOR DINNER RESERVATIONS CALL 808.572.0220 LOG ON AT WWW.CASANOVAMAUI.COM

“home of the $1 mai tai” Kihei’s BEST Sunset Cocktail Spot!

MONDAYS 8:30PM

BLUES SPIRIT

ALL AGES NO COVER

OF MAUI

TUESDAYS 8:30PM

KENNY ROBERTS

ALL AGES NO COVER

DAMON PARILLO & DANYEL ALANA

WEDNESDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD BURGERS SALADS Live Music Daily Sunset Happy Hour 3-7 Nightly Entertainment

THURSDAY 8 RAMPAGE 9pm KIHEI’S LEGENDARY WEEKLY

REGGAE DANCE PARTY

DAT GUYZ KEOLA AND BAND PLAYING ALL THE ISLAND FAVORITES

ISLAND SOULZ ISLAND REGGAE

FRIDAY 9 9pm

SATURDAY 10 9pm

SUNDAY 11 KARAOKE INDUSTRY NIGHT 8pm

NFL FOOTBALL DAY THURSDAYS 8:30PM

INDIO & AVI

ALL AGES NO COVER

SATURDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

THE HOUSE SHAKERS

LATE NIGHT HAPPY HOUR EVERYDAY 8PM - CLOSE 900 FRONT ST. +1-808-667-7400 22

DECEMBER 8, 2011

MONDAY 12 8pm HAPPY HOUR PRICES ALL DAY!!

KARAOKE

TACO EATING CONTEST

TUESDAY 13 9PM

DOLLAR TACOS

$3 MEXICAN BEER AND CUERVO SHOTS WEDNESDAY 14 9pm GET UP & JAM OR WATCH THE

OPEN MIC RISING STARS

1913 S Kihei Rd 808.891.8010 ACROSS FROM FOODLAND

1945 S K

E ILLAG V A M A IHEI RD, KAL ui.com

879-9944 lulusma

THURSDAY

BARBARA & NETTO

HOT & SPICY SALSA 8-11PM $3 coronas, pacif icos $5 1800 shots & $5 patron shots

FRIDAY

8PM-Close

ROB & RON 7-9:30 pm DINNER MUSIC DJ NEXUS

PLAYING REGGAETONE & LATINO HIPHOP 10PM-CLOSe

$3 coronas, pacif icos $5 1800 shots & $5 patron shots

SATURDAY

10PM-Close

CAMP SAVAGE 6:30-9:30pm DJ ASTRO RAPH TILL CLOSe

SUNDAY

NFL FOOTBALL SPECIAL

34%).,!'%2 "5$ ,)'(4 DURING GAME

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

12/8

12/9

12/10

12/11

12/12 - 12/14

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

JAVA JAZZ

Renee Alonzo 7pm - close; no cover

Guest Performer 7pm - close; no cover

Rick Glencross 7pm - close; no cover

Farzad & Mike Madden 7pm - close; no cover

MON - Farzad & Mike Madden / TUE - Jamie Gallo / WED - Guest Performer (all sets 7pm-close; no cover)

KAHALE’S

Bad Kitty, 7pm

Kenny Roberts, 7pm

Eight Track Players, 7pm

The Kihei Cowboys, 7pm

MON - Kawika / TUE - Da Hawaiians / WED - Gina Martinelli (all sets 7pm)

1810’ 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

Willie K 9-11pm; $5

Jessica Rabbitt & Kanoa 8-10pm; no cover

Sam Ahia 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

MON through TUE Sam Ahia, 6:30-8:30pm; no cover / WED - closed for employee holiday party

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm / DJ Kamikaze, 10pm-close

MON - NFL / TUE Country Music & Dancing w/ Rick Scanlan, 7-11m / WED Sebrina Barron 7-9pm; Ladies’ Night w/ DJ La Rage, 10pm-close

3350 L. Honoapiilani Rd. - 667-0787

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 875-7711

KIMO’S

845 Front St., Lahaina - 661-4811

KOBE STEAKHOUSE

136 Dickenson St., Lahaina - 667-5555

Fulton Tashombe & The Maui Jazz All-Stars, 7-10pm

LONGHI’S LAHAINA 888 Front St., Lahaina - 667-2288

Salsa Night w/ Netto & Barbara Peraza, 8-11pm / DJ Nexus 11pm-close

Requesola w/ Rob & Ron = R2, 6:30-9:30pm / DJ Nexus 10pm-close

Camp Savage 7:30-9:30pm / DJ AstroRaph, 10pm-close

LULU’S LAHAINA

Howard Ahia 6-8pm; no cover / Pool Tournament 7-10:30pm

Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; no cover / Latin Night w/ DJ Danny 10pm-2am; $10

STATUS hosted by Philly Blunt & feat. All Access Ent.’s DJ Money Mike, 10pm; $10

MERRIMAN’S

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

MON - The Benoits / TUE - David Choy / WED - Ranga Pae (all sets 6-9pm)

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE

NFL / Murray Thorne, 7-9pm / Pub Quiz Superfreakout w/ Trish “The Dish” Smith 9:30pm-12am; no cover

Elaine Ryan 6:30-8pm; no cover

SLAM feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen 7-10pm; no cover

The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley 6:30-9:30pm / Big John 10pm-12am

MON - TBA / TUE - Brenton Keith & His Bag O’Tricks, 7-8pm / WED - Willie K, 7-9pm

OCEANS BAR & GRILL

mauimusicmecca presents Guest DJ 10pm; no cover

DJ Stylz 10pm; no cover

Deep Cover 10pm; $5

Jordan 6-9pm

Dress Like A Pirate Night

SANSEI - KAPALUA

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

SANSEI - KIHEI

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

LULU’S KIHEI

1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-9944

Lahaina Cannery Mall - 661-0808

1 Bay Club Pl., Kapalua - 669-6400

100 Kaukahi St., Wailea - 874-1131

1819 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-2414

SHARKY’S

41 E. Lipoa St., Kihei - 874-5115

115 Bay Dr., Lahaina - 669-6286

1881 S. Kihei Rd., Ste. KT116, Kihei - 879-0004

activity lineup is as follows: Ron Hetteen and Ikaika Brown (4-4:45pm); Maui Cheer All Stars (4:45-5pm); Royal Hawaiian Guard (5-5:15pm); Kumalani Chapel (5:15-5:30pm); Extreme Cheer (5:30-5:45pm); I Pop Maui (5:45-6pm); emcee to announce Christmas tree program and the Lahaina Town Action Committee’s winning tree, plus holiday caroling (6pm); Waiola Church, Sacred Hearts and Lahaina Methodist will ring town church bells, followed by a simultaneous lighting of all merchant trees on Front Street and in Campbell Park (6:30pm); Kumalani Chapel (6:45-7pm); Akima ‘Ohana Christmas Show (78pm); Pacific Bride Girls’ Softball Team (8:158:45pm). Plus, the Baldwin Home Museum hosts “Holidays with the Baldwins,” featuring a choir performance, refreshment and hands-on ornament-and wreath-making throughout the evening. Visit visitlahaina.com for more information. KAI PUA ARTIST STUDIO & GALLERY GRAND OPENING - Fri. & Sat., Dec. 9 & 10. Meet artists, view beautiful works of glass, jewelry and fine art, and celebrate the opening of Front Street’s newest gallery. Part of Lahaina Second Friday festivities. Continues on Sat., Dec. 10 with a traditional Hawaiian blessing (6pm; RSVP requested), plus music and refreshments (until 9pm). Free. 6-9pm. Kai Pua Artist Studio & Gallery (790 Front St., Lahaina); 667-0500; gallery@kaipua.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10 FIFTH ANNUAL MAKAWAO TOWN HOLIDAY CELEBRATION - See This Week’s Picks for more. The event’s schedule includes: Seabury Marching Band and Santa (11am); keiki

paint the town’s largest mural (12-4pm); Joyful Hearts Carolers (12-5pm); photos with Santa, garland-making, handmade gift wrap-making, music and face painting by La Ti Da Music, and Massages by Maui Massage School (12-4pm); King Kekaulike Jazz Band (3-4pm); keiki’s mural is sectioned, cut and sold as gift wrap (45:30pm), Kalama Intermediate ‘Ukulele Band (5:30-6pm), star lighting ceremony with Auntie Rose (5:30pm). Free. 10am-7pm. Makawao Town (Baldwin & Makwao Avenues); 5726887; makawaocommunity.org 2011 SOLID BABY SHOWCASE - Is your 1-month-to two-year old super solid? Enter him or her into this keiki contest. Entry forms available at Solid Clothing or by e-mailing solidbabyhawaii@live.com. Call 893-0929 for more information. 12-3pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com HOLIDAY HULA BY TE TIARE PATITIFA - Live performance. Free. 12pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall (Honoapi’ilani Hwy.); 661-5304; lahainacannery.com HIKE THE WAIHE’E RIDGE TRAIL WITH THE MAUI CHAPTER OF THE HAWAII SECULAR SOCIETY - This month’s meeting with Maui Chapter of the Hawaii Secular Society includes a Waihe’e Ridge Trail hike followed by a BYOBeverage Solstice dinner at a Waihee member’s home. Free. 1pm. Please call 946-7811 for more information. (PS: As a secular humanist myself, I’d like to note that contrary to the popular misconception, “Xmas” is not an attack on Christmas. Instead, “x” comes from the Greek letter “chi,” which is

MON - All Access DJs, 10pm / TUE - “Lahaina Idol” Karaoke w/ Troy, 9pm12am / WED - Kenny Roberts, 5-8pm; AC/ DCember: Highway to Heal benefit, 9-11pm

WED - Ibiza on Maui w/ DJ Peak 10pm; no cover MON - Dance Dance Extreme Competition, 7pm / TUE - Karaoke w/ DJ Jay / WED - Western Night & BBQ Championship

the first part of the Greek word that translates to “Christ.” Booyah!) COMMUNITY POTLUCK AT THE HALI’IMAILE COMMUNITY GARDEN - Enjoy roots reggae by garden members Kaya and Nadia of The Lambsbread (4pm) at the winter community potluck social and party. The event is open to everyone, so feel free to bring friends and family and find out about all the neat things ongoing at the garden. Free. 2-5pm. Hali’imaile Community Garden (Aoiki St.); haliimailegarden.weebly.com IAO INTERMEDIATE BAND HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE - Support Maui’s musically inclined students! Free. 5-6pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com MAKAWAO TOWN CHRISTMAS AFTERPARTY WITH SHERON DEPONTE & THE SILVERSPUR BAND - Paniolo party people, it’s time for a little country-style Christmas cheer. Yee haw!. $10 cover. 9:30pm Casanova, (1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao); 5720220; casanovamaui.com POWER UP PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS MAUI STAND UP COMEDY NIGHT WITH CHINO LAFORGE - Two thousand and eleven years ago, baby Jesus was born. This year, Maui Stand Up Comedy’s birthing its special Christmas show. (PS: Can’t make it to the South side tonight? There’s another show on Dec. 8. See Thursday’s Events for more.). Adult humor. $10 cover. 10pm Stella Blues Cafe, (1279 South Kihei Rd., # 201, Kihei); 874-3779; stellablues.com

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11

PACIFIC WHALE FOUNDATION’S STAND UP FOR THE WHALES - See This Week’s Picks for more. Save on registration by signing up by Dec. 9 For more information, call 2498811 or visit pacificwhale.org TOMODACHI STRUMMERS - Live performance. Free. 12pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall (Honoapi’ilani Hwy.); 661-5304; lahainacannery.com SANTA BABY LAP DANCE WORKSHOP - Make it a Christmas he won’t forget by learning traditional and not-so traditional XXXmas moves (two routines in one workshop). “Naughty or nice–poor Santa will be so confused, he won’t know what list to put you on!” Pre-registration required. $45. (Take the class again on Thu., Dec. 15, 7:15-9:15pm for just $25). 10am-12pm. The Pole Room at Body in Balance (142 Kupuohi St., Lahaina); 2832606; thepoleroom.com ART-BQ SUNDAYS WITH GUY JUNKER Every Sun., Maui fine artist (and samurai sensei extraordinaire!) hosts a lively, Art-BQ celebration with free grinds and great camaraderie. Free. 7-11pm. Guy Junker Studio/Gallery (106 Kupuohi St., Lahaina); 661-0923; guyjunker.com

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12 MEET THE ARTIST: GALIT BREMAN - Every Mon. in Dec. Israeli jeweler Galit Breman demonstrates her techniques used in creating her Henna line. Free. 10am-1pm. Maui Hands, Makawao (1169 Makawao Ave.); 572-2008 LAHAINALUNA HIGH SCHOOL BAND - Support Maui’s musically inclined students! Free. 5:30pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall (Honoapi’ilani

DECEMBER 8, 2011

23

VOTED BEST

TATTOO SHOP BY M AU I LO C A L S !

579.8515

The Best Of Maui

120 HANA HWY s UPSTAIRS PAIATATOOPARLOR.COM 24

DECEMBER 8, 2011

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

12/8

12/9

12/10

12/11

12/12 - 12/14

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE

DJ Slackin 10pm-close; no cover

DJ Gemini & DJ Ynot 10pm-close; no cover

Reuben Cantere Skate/ Surf Art Show feat. DJ Jay.P, 8pm-close; no cover

Kanoa 10pm-close; no cover

MON - DJ Slackin’ / TUE - DJ LX / WED Ladies’ Night w/ The ADD Twins (All sets 10pm - close; no cover)

STEEL HORSE SALOON

Ladies’ Night 7pm-close; no cover

Live Music 8-11pm; no cover

Free Pool / Karaoke

NFL Sunday Ticket BBQ

MON - Mahalo Monday Industry Night

Ah-Tim 4-6pm

Stella Blues Cafe’s 20th Anniversary Party 8:30pm; $5

Power Up Productions presents Maui Stand Up Comedy, 10pm; $10

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9:15pm-12am; no cover

Dr. Nat & Pacificaribe 9pm-1am; $4

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9pm-12am; no cover

Soul Commitment w/ Clay Mortensen 9pm; no cover

The Throwdowns w/ Owaila 10pm

White Wonderland 10pm

Gina Martinelli Band 7pm; no cover

WED - Blues Night w/ The House Shakers 7:30pm; no cover

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

MON through WED- Karaoke

Half Pint w/ Guidance Band 9:45pm-2am; $10

We Love Timba Fridays 9:45pm-2am; $10

Spun Out w/ DJ Calcul8 9:45pm-2am; $10

closed

MON through WED - closed

NFL / Next Level Entertainment, 10pm

Live Music 10pm

UH Football

NFL

MON - NFL / TUE - Thirsty Tuesdays / WED - Free Karaoke

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-6444

1234 L. Main St., Wailuku - 243-2206

STELLA BLUES CAFE 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-3779

STOPWATCH SPORTS BAR 1127 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-1380

THREE’S BAR & GRILL 1945 S Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-3133

TIFFANY’S

1424 L. Main St., Wailuku - 249-0052

TIMBA

505 Front St, Ste. 212, Lahaina - 661-9873

WATERCRESS

Waiehu Beach Center, Wailuku-243-9350

Hwy.); 661-5304; lahainacannery.com ST. NICK’S PET PICS - See This Week’s Picks for more. 6-8pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com MAUI HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE - Support vocally talented students from Maui. Free. 7-8:30pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com

thor who aims to recapture her glory days. Starring Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt. 7:30pm. $12 single ticket/$40 FirstLight’s four-film VIP FastPass (i.e. $10 ea.)/Free for keiki 12-years-old and under for any film rated G or PG (i.e. this week, “Rango” counts!). Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org/mauifilmfestival.com

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13

WEST MAUI

KALAMA INTERMEDIATE BAND HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE - Support Maui’s musically inclined students! Free. 6:30-8pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com FREE SCREENING: “TAPPED” - The Surfrider Foundation Maui Chapter screens the award-winning doco, “Tapped.” This hip flick explores what moral vs. market issues arise when access to clean, fresh water is usurped as wai increasingly becomes a salable commodity. A must-see for everyone who loves the isles from mauka-to-makai, and is concered about ecology and water rights. Free admission–with free popcorn, too! 6-9pm. Choice Health Bar (1087 Limahana Pl., Lahaina); surfrider.org/maui

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14 MEET THE ARTIST: VARSHA TITUS - Every Wed. in Dec. Varsha Titus shows how she creates precious metal jewelry from original fancy knotting designs. Free. 2-6pm. Maui Hands, Makawao (1169 Makawao Ave.); 572-2008 SCUBA CLAUS AND ELF VISIT THE MAUI OCEAN CENTER - The aquarium’s “12 Days of Fish-mas” kicks off today with two special holiday guests: Scuba Claus (11am) and Elf (3pm). Both wear a special dive mask that allows them to communicate with the audience. Free with aquarium admission. Continues through Dec. 25. Maui Ocean Center (192 Ma’alaea Rd.); mauioceancenter.com FIRSTLIGHT FILM SCREENINGS - “Rango” (PG; 107 min.) Johnny Depp lends his voice to a chameleon with an identity crisis. 2pm. “Tinker Tailor Solider Spy” (R; 127 min.) The long-awaited feature film version of John le Carre’s classic, bestselling novel. Stars Gary Oldman. 5pm. “Young Adult” (R; 94 min.) The story of a teen literature au-

DINNER MUSIC COOL CAT CAFE - Every Thu., Barefoot Minded; Every Fri. & Sat. Dave Caroll; Every Sun., Erin Smith & Fri.ends; Every Mon., Peter D; Every Tue., Live Jazz; Every Wed., Jordan Cuddy. (All sets 7:30-10pm.) Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina, 667-0908 DUKE’S BEACH HOUSE - Duke’s Beach HOUSE - Every Mon., Tue. & Wed., Brian 3-5pm; Wed., Alika & Ron 6-8:30pm; Thu., Damien 3-5pm; Thu., Garrett & Peter 6-8:30pm; Fri., Garrett 3-5pm; Every Fri. & Sat., Kulwewa 6-8:30pm; Every Sun. & Sat., Tim 3-5pm; Sun., Tim & Miles 6-8:30pm; Tue., Alika & Edee 6-8:30pm; Tue., Tim & Edee 6-8:30pm; Fri., Henry Kapono 5-7pm. 130 Kai Malina Pkwy., Lahaina, 662-2900 HULA GRILL - Wed., Alika 1:30-3:30pm; Wed., Peter DeAquino 4-6pm; Every Tue. & Wed., Ernest Pua’a & Fri.ends 6:30-9pm; Thu., Alika 11am-1pm; Thu., Ernest Pua’a 1:30-3:30pm; Every Mon. & Thu., Armadillo 4-6pm; Thu., Kulwewa 6-9pm; Every Mon., Fri. & Sat., Kawika Lum Ho 1:30-3:30pm; Every Fri. & Sat., 1810 4-6pm; Fri., Kawika, Roy & Ivan 6:30-9pm; Sat., Wili Pohaku 6:30-9pm; Every Sun. & Tue., Kawika Lum Ho 11am-1pm; Sun., Ron & Ikaika 1:30-3:30pm; Sun., Derick Sebastian Trio 6-9pm; Mon., Derick Sebastian & Josh Kahula 6:30-9pm; Tue., Jarrett Roback 1:30-3:30pm; Tue., Damon & Danyel Alana 4-6pm; Every Mon., Wed. & Fri., Ernest Pua’a 11am-1pm. Whaler’s Village, 2435 Kaanapali Pwy., Bldg P, Lahaina, 667-6636 LEILANI’S ON THE BEACH - Every Thu., Jarrett & Wilson; Every Fri., DJ & Fri.ends, Every Sat., JD & Harry; Sun., Merv Oana (all sets 3-5pm). Whaler’s Village, 2435 Kaanapali Pkwy. Bldg. J, Ka’anapali, 661-4495 LULU’S LAHAINA SURF CLUB & GRILL - Every Thu., Howard Ahia 6-8pm; Fri., Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; Every Tue., “Lahaina Idol” Karaoke w/ Troy 9pm; Every Wed., Kenny

MON - Tom Cherry & Mike Finkewiecz, 4-6pm / Willie K 10pm-12am, $10 / TUE - Tom Conway, 4-6pm; AC/DCember: Highway to Heal, 9-11pm / WED - Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / SLAM feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm

Roberts 5-8pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall, 1221 Honoapi’ilani Hwy. #A1, Lahaina, 661-0808 PIONEER INN GRILL & BAR - Thu., Greg di Piazza feat. Alana Cini 5:30-8:30pm; Tue., Ah-Tim Elenicki 5:30-8:30pm; Wed., JD on the Rocks 5-8pm. 658 Wharf St., Lahaina; 661-3636 R.B. BLACK ANGUS STEAKHOUSE - Every Sun., Live jazz. 4465 Honoapi’ilani Hwy., Lahaina; 669-8889 SEA HOUSE RESTAURANT - Every Tue. & Fri., Kincaid Kupahu 7-9pm; Every Sun. & Thu., Andrew Kaina 7-9pm; Sat., Coehlo Morrison 7-9pm; Every Mon. & Wed., Albert Kaina 7-9pm. 5900 Lower Honoapi’ilani Hwy., Napili, 669-1500 VILLAGE CAFE & SWEET SHOPPE - Fri., Glenn Kakagawa and Sarah Cravalho 5:308:30pm. 2000 Village Rd., Lahaina, 665-1122

SOUTH MAUI AMBROSIA - Every Thu., Jamie Gallo 7pm; Every Tue., “Glee” on the big screen 7pm; Every Wed., Red Carpet Movie Night [December is Holiday Humor Month! This week: “Bad Santa” (2003)] 7:30pm. 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 891-1011 CAPISCHE? - Every Fri. & Sat., Mark Johnstone 7-10pm. 555 Kaukahi St., Kihei, 879-2224 HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH - Thu., Junior Lacuesta 4-8pm; Fri., Tue. & Wed., Rick Glencross, 4-8pm; Sat., Ryan Robinson, 4-8pm. 1913 S. Kihei Rd., #E, Kihei, 874-1250 KAI WAIEA - Thu., Mon. & Sun., Wolf; Fri., Ryan Robinson; Sat., Kanoa; Mon., Tom Conway; Wed., Francois (all sets 6-8:30pm). 3750 Wailea Alanui, Wailea, 875-1955 LULU’S KIHEI - Every Thu., Netto & Barbara Peraza 8-11pm; Every Fri., Ron & Rob = R2 6:30-9:30pm; Every Sat., Camp Savage 7:309:30pm; Every Sun., Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm; Every Tue., Ric Scanlan 7-11pm; Every Wed., Sebrina Barron, 7-9pm. 1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 879-9944 MONSOON INDIA - Every Sat., Romantic Violin & Guitar Duets by Cambria Moss & Ricardo Dioso 6:30-8:30pm; Mon., Louise Lambert 6-9pm; Every Tue., Hula Honeys 5:30-8:30pm. 760 S. Kihei Rd., 875-6666 MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE - Thu., Murray Thorne 7-9pm; Fri., Elaine Ryan, 6:308pm; Sat., SLAM feat. David Choy and Clay Mortensen 7-10pm; Every Sun., The Celtic

Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley 6:30-9:30pm; Tue., Brenton Keith & His Bag O’ Tricks 7-8pm. Wed., Willie K, 7-9pm. 100 Kaukahi St., Wailea, 874-1131 SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE - Every Thu., Erin Smith; Every Fri., Randall Rospond; Every Sat., Tom Conway; Every Sun., Viva La Rumba; Every Mon., Kanoa; Every Tue., Sebrina Barron; Every Wed., Mark Johnstone. (all sets 4-6pm.) Kihei Kalama Village, 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 874-6444 STELLA BLUES CAFE - Every Thu., Ah-Tim 4-6pm; Fri., Stella Blues 20th Anniversary Party (see Big Shows for detailed lineup); Every Mon., Tom Cherry & Mike Finkeiwicz 4-6pm; Every Tue., Tom Conway 4-6pm; Every Wed., Randall Rospond 4-6pm/SLAM feat. David Choy and Clay Mortensen 7-10pm. 1279 South Kihei Rd., # 201, Kihei, 874-3779 THREE’S BAR & GRILL - Every Sun., Gina Martinelli Band 7pm. Every Wed., Blues Night w/ The House Shakers 7:30pm (all sets no cover). 1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 879-3133 TRADEWINDS POOLSIDE CAFE - Every Thu., Island Favorites with Kawika Lum Ho; Every Fri., Girls Night Out with Gina Martinelli; Every Sat., Classic Rock with Dominic; Every Sun., Rob & Ron = R2; Every Mon., Bobby Ingram & Friends; Every Tue., Mike and Mark; Every Wed., Steve Sargenti. (all sets 6-9pm.) 2259 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 891-8860

CENTRAL MAUI ALE HOUSE - Every Fri., Braddah Francis 4-8pm; Every Mon., Open Mic Jam Sesh w/ host Teri Garrison 8pm; Every Tue., Clay Mortensen 5-9pm; Every Wed., Teri Garrison 5-8pm/free karaoke w/ host Braddah Francis 8pm. (All sets no cover.) 355 E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului, 877-9001 CARY & EDDIE’S HIDEAWAY - Every Thu.Sun. & Tue., piano w/ Francois 6pm-close. Every Sun., guitar with Fausto 9am-1pm. 500 N. Puunene Ave., Kahului; 873-6555

UPCOUNTRY MAUI CAFE DES AMIS - Every Thu., Joe Conte plays The Chapman Stick; Every Sat., live Argentinian music; Every Wed., The Stone Violets 6:308:30pm. 42 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-6323

DECEMBER 8, 2011

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FILM

Return Of The Muppets BY BARRY WURST II

The Muppets

★★★★★

Rated PG/98 Minutes

W

hile Alvin and the Chipmunks, Garfield, the Smurfs and even Yoda have been altered over the years into digital versions of their earlier (and better) selves, it’s nice to see that Jim Henson’s Muppets are still the fuzzy, ping pong balleyed, felt puppets with gigantic personalities that we remember. One that we haven’t met before is Walter, who was raised in a human household with a protective older brother named Gary (Jason Segal). Walter knows of Henson’s Muppets and his dream is to visit the legendary Muppet Theater and connect with his fellow Muppets. Problem is, this road trip interrupts a romantic getaway Gary has planned with his sweet girlfriend, Mary (Amy Adams), who tags along gamely while the brothers search Hollywood for Kermit the Frog. The first real Muppet movie since Muppets From Space in 1999 is agreeably silly and occasionally hilarious but best seen with lowered expectations. Like the impossibly hyped and heavily debated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the best scenes are truly dazzling but there are huge script problems and a few really bad scenes.

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DECEMBER 8, 2011

There’s a lot of forced whimsy and lookhow-amusing-we-are moments that aren’t actually very amusing. Chris Cooper plays the villain of the piece and has an embarrassing rap number that is easily the film’s outof-place, what-were-they-thinking low point. The comic bits that sink are as groan worthy as one of Fozzie Bear’s stale jokes, though at least Fozzie is supposed to be unfunny. The story forgets that it’s about Gary and Mary, leaving Segal (who co-wrote) and Adams looking like they’re trying hard just to stay in the movie, let alone share the same frame with a squadron of Muppets. Segal mugs too much, even for this movie; unlike Michael Caine in The Muppets Christmas Carol, Segal acts like he knows he’s sharing the screen with puppets and appears happy to be talking to Kermit more than anything else. Adams can’t reprise her Enchanted allure for this type of movie because, this time, her character stinks. It tries hard to recapture the feel and general plot line of The Muppet Movie and only sporadically succeeds. Most of the live action cast isn’t very good and none of the celebrity cameos are wow worthy. No offense to Selena Gomez and Whoopi Goldberg, but they’re no Steve Martin or Richard Pryor (let alone Orson Welles). Yet, while this may not be the ultimate triumph that Muppet fans have hoped for, the jokes that work are laugh-yourself-stupid howlers. Of the handful of musical numbers, the re-

Made with real fuzz and ping pong ball eyes prisal of Muppet standards work best, though Segal’s “Man or Muppet” is a showstopper. For a warm, fuzzy, tear jerking and very green hit of nostalgia, nothing beats Kermit’s strumming “Rainbow Connection” on his banjo. For explosive chuckles, the scene stealing “80’s Robot” (a new character and my favorite in the film), Camilla the Chicken, a postrehab Animal, and Rowlf the Dog deliver the biggest wocka wockas. The Muppets is more of a 2011 fanboy reinvention and Segal’s updated ode to all things Muppet than something that fits easily alongside The Muppets Take Manhattan. It’s

a hit and miss, hipster spinoff that tonally resembles the short-lived, uneven but amusing Muppets Tonight! TV show. Not everyone will mind the sketchy plot and lifelong fans will be accustomed to cheesiness banging up against genuine comic inspiration, but this movie is best when the focus is on pure Muppet showmanship and avoids the story and humans altogether. Kids, children at heart, frogs and Gonzos will probably walk away smiling. ■ To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1525f

FILM

Showtimes

WHERE AND WHEN TO WATCH WHAT

BY ANU YAGI

FRONT STREET THEATER 900 Front Street, Lahaina, 249-2222 (Matinees) Happy Feet Two (2D)- PG - THU (4:30), 7:15, 9:45. FRI (1:40, 4:30), 7:15, 9:45. SAT-SUN (4:30), 7:15, 9:45. MON-WED (4:30), 7:15, 9:45. Immortals (2D)- R - THU (4:40), 7:20, 9:55. The Muppets- PG - THU (4:00), 7:00, 9:30. FRI (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:30. SAT-SUN (1:15), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30. MON-WED (4:00), 7:00, 9:30. The Sitter- R - FRI (1:45, 4:40), 7:20, 9:45. SAT-SUN (1:45), 4:40, 7:20, 9:45. MON-WED (4:40), 7:20, 9:45. Tower Heist- PG 13 - THU (4:15), 7:05, 9:40. FRI (1:30, 4:15), 7:05, 9:40. SAT-SUN (1:30), 4:15, 7:05, 9:40.

MAUI MALL MEGAPLEX Maui Mall, 249-2222 (Matinees) Arthur Christmas (2D)- PG - THU (4:45), 9:35. FRI (11:55, 4:45), 9:25. SAT-SUN (11:55), 4:45, 9:25. MON-WED (4:45), 9:25. Arthur Christmas (3D)- PG - THU-WED (2:20), 7:10. Hugo (2D)- PG - THU (3:30), 6:30, 9:30. FRI (4:05). SAT-SUN 4:05. MON-WED (4:05). Hugo (3D)- PG - THU (1:00, 4:00), 7:00, 9:50. FRI (1:10), 6:50, 9:35. SAT-WED (1:10), 6:50, 9:35. Immortals (2D)- R - THU (4:40), 9:55. FRI (11:45, 4:35), 9:50. SAT-SUN (11:45), 4:35, 9:50. MON-WED (4:35), 9:50. Immortals (3D)- R - THU-WED (2:10), 7:20. Jack and Jill- PG - THU (2:05, 4:20), 6:35, 8:50. FRI (11:50, 4:20), 8:50. SAT-SUN (11:50), 4:20, 8:50. MON-WED (4:20), 8:50. The Muppets- PG - THU (1:15, 1:50, 3:45, 4:15), 6:15, 6:45, 8:45, 9:15. FRI (11:35, 1:50, 4:15), 6:35, 9:15. SAT-SUN (11:35, 1:50), 4:15, 6:35, 9:15. MON-WED (1:50, 4:15), 6:35, 9:15. New Year’s Eve- PG 13 - FRI (1:15, 1:45, 4:00, 4:30), 6:45, 7:15, 9:30, 10:00. SAT-SUN

NEW THIS WEEK NEW YEAR’S EVE - PG 13 - Romantic Comedy - Look, I don’t mean to be so bah-humbug (and I’ll remind you that I oft ink my distaste for romantic comedies), but ensemble casts make it really hard to suspend disbelief. Add to that this flick’s a feel-good holiday hurl-fest, and it’s doubly doomed in my book. Directed by Garry Marshall (who’s really exercising originality, given his other major credit is Valentine’s Day). Starring Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Robert De Niro, friend of the paper Zac Effron, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Alyssa Milano, Sienna Miller, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Ryan Seacrest–can I please just stop here? 118 min. THE SITTER - R - Comedy - Jonah Hill takesup baby sitting after he’s canned from college. Hilarity presumably ensues. 81 min.

NOW SHOWING ARTHUR CHRISTMAS - PG - Animation Turns out, Santa’s round-the-world-in-a-night secret is that he’s a tech junkie. But old school Grandsanta (you know, Santa’s dad) says he’s just a glorified mailman with technological luxury. Meanwhile, Santa’s oldest son Steve is eager to be the next Santa, urging current Santa’s burgeoning identity crisis. Amidst all this hubbub, Santa’s youngest (and most annoying) son, Arthur, saves the day–because somebody’s got to. And you thought your family got tense ‘round Christmastime. 97 min. IMMORTALS - R - Action - A slew of uber-hotties battle for humanity in a flick loosely based

(1:15, 1:45), 4:00, 4:30, 6:45, 7:15, 9:30, 10:00. MON-WED (1:15, 1:45, 4:00, 4:30), 6:45, 7:15, 9:30, 10:00. Puss in Boots (2D)- PG - THU-WED (2:15), 6:40. Puss In Boots (3D)- PG - THU (12:00, 4:30), 9:00. FRI (12:00, 4:25), 9:00. SAT-SUN (12:00), 4:25, 9:00. MON-WED (4:25), 9:00. The Sitter- R - FRI (12:30, 1:00, 2:40, 3:10, 4:50, 5:20), 7:00, 7:30, 9:10, 9:40. SAT-SUN (12:30, 1:00, 2:40, 3:10), 4:50, 5:20, 7:00, 7:30, 9:10, 9:40. MON-WED (1:00, 2:40, 3:10, 4:50, 5:20), 7:00, 7:30, 9:10, 9:40. Tower Heist- PG 13 - THU (1:55, 4:35) 7:15, 9:40. FRI (1:55), 6:30. SAT-WED (1:55), 6:30. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1- PG 13 - THU (1:05, 2:00, 3:15, 3:40, 4:50), 6:00, 6:25, 7:30, 8:40, 9:10, 10:00. FRI (11:30, 1:05, 2:05, 3:40, 4:40), 6:25, 7:25, 9:05, 9:55. SAT-SUN (11:30, 1:05, 2:05), 3:40, 4:40, 6:25, 7:25, 9:05, 9:55. MON-WED (1:05, 2:05, 3:40, 4:40), 6:25, 7:25, 9:05, 9:55.

KUKUI MALL 1819 South Kihei Road, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Arthur Christmas (2D)- PG - THU 1:15, 3:45, 6:15, 8:40. FRI-SAT 11:10, 1:30, 3:50, 6:15, 8:20, 10:35. SUN 11:10, 1:30, 3:50, 6:15, 8:20. MON-WED 1:30, 3:50, 6:15, 8:20. Happy Feet Two (2D)- PG - THU 1:30, 3:50, 6:05, 8:20. The Muppets- PG - THU 1:00, 3:40, 6:10, 8:45. New Year’s Eve- PG 13 - FRI-SAT 11:00, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00, 9:30. SUN 11:00, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00. MON-WED 1:00, 3:35, 6:05, 8:35. The Sitter- R - FRI-SAT 11:30, 1:40, 3:45, 5:55, 8:00, 10:00. SUN 11:30, 1:40, 3:45, 5:55, 8:00. MON-WED 1:40, 3:45, 5:55, 8:00. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1PG 13 - THU 1:05, 3:30, 6:00, 8:30. FRI-SAT 12:00, 2:30, 5:15, 7:50, 10:30. SUN 12:00, 2:30, 5:15, 7:50. MON-WED 1:00, 3:30, 6:00, 8:30.

on the Greek myths of Theseus, Minotaur and Titanomachy. Brought to you by the director of The Cell and The Fall (Tarsem Sighn), plus the producers of 300 (Mark Canton, Gianni Nunnari and Ryan Kavanaugh). 110 min. J. EDGAR - PG 13 - Drama - Barry Wurst II reports that this “extensive� biopic directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Leo “Never Let Me Go� DiCaprio, “has lots to admire but never fully connects... [and DiCaprio’s] heavy-handed narration, with a just-shy of Dr. Evil voice, is a hindrance.� 140 min. JACK AND JILL - PG - Comedy - Dear Adam Sandler: I don’t care if “it ain’t pretty� is (somehow) the point. This is just annoying... Dear Everyone Else: if you want to see comedy that straddles the line between -ian and -ienne, you’re best-off Googling Eddie Izzard or The Kids in the Hall, capiche? 106 min. HAPPY FEET TWO - PG - Its predecessor won an Academy Award, and advance reviews rave this follow-up flick’s striking gold again. Elijah Wood, Robin Williams, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Common and Hank Azaria lend their voices. 103 min. HUGO - PG - Fantasy - Directed by some guy named Martin Scorsese, this already critically acclaimed film’s based on American author Brian Selznick’s gorgeous, Caldecott-winning book, The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Starring Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen and Jude Law. 127 min. MARGIN CALL - R - Drama - A financial collapse flick loosely based on the Lehman Brothers debacle, starring Kevin Spacey, Paul Bettany and Jeremy Irons. Industry folk call this an “independent film,� which means “blink and you’ll miss it in theaters.� 107 min.

KA’AHUMANU 6 Queen Ka’ahumanu Shopping Center, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Happy Feet Two (2D)- PG - THU 11:00, 12:25, 1:20, 2:45, 3:40, 5:10, 6:00, 7:30, 8:20. FRISAT 11:30, 12:00, 1:50, 2:20, 4:10, 4:40, 6:30, 7:00, 8:45, 9:20. SUN-MON 11:30, 12:00, 1:50, 2:20, 4:10, 4:40, 6:30, 7:00. TUE-WED 12:00, 2:20, 1:50, 4:10, 4:40, 6:30, 7:00. Happy Feet Two (3D)- PG - THU 11:45, 2:00, 4:25, 6:45. FRI-SAT 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:50. SUN-WED 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30. J. Edgar- R - THU 11:00, 1:55, 4:50, 7:45. FRI-SAT 12:25, 3:45, 7:00, 10:00. SUN-WED 12:25, 3:45, 7:00. Margin Call- R - THU 12:10, 2:30, 4:50, 7:10. FRI-SAT 12:10, 2:30, 4:50, 7:10, 9:30. SUNWED 12:10, 2:30, 4:50, 7:10. Real Steel- PG 13 - THU 11:00, 1:45, 4:30, 7:15. FRI-SAT 12:45, 3:45, 7:05, 9:45. SUNWED 12:45, 3:45, 7:05.

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WHARF CINEMA CENTER 658 Front Street, 249-2222 (Matinees) Arthur Christmas (2D)- PG - THU (1:45, 4:15), 7:00, 9:30. Jack and Jill- PG - THU-FRI (2:00, 4:30), 7:15, 9:30. SAT-SUN (2:00), 4:30, 7:15, 9:30. MONWED (2:00, 4:30), 7:15, 9:30. New Year’s Eve- PG 13 - FRI (1:20, 4:10), 7:05, 9:50. SAT-SUN (1:20), 4:10, 7:05, 9:50. MON-WED (1:20, 4:10), 7:05, 9:50. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1PG 13 - THU-FRI (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:45. SATSUN (1:15), 4:00, 7:00, 9:45. MON-WED (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:45.

THE MUPPETS - PG - Family - The Muppets’ super fans help Kermit the Frog reunite the gang (Animal’s in anger management, Miss Piggy is a plus-size–or is it plush-size?–editor at Vogue Paris, Fozzie’s gigging Reno in a tribute band named The Moppets... you get the idea). Why? Their ol’ hangout is on the verge of destruction because it sits atop newly discovered black gold–and they need $10 million to save it. Directed by James Bobin (co-creator of The Flight of the Concords). 110 min. PUSS IN BOOTS - PG - Animation - C’mon, who doesn’t love sword fighting pussy? (PS: Puss in Boots is to Shrek as Frasier is to Cheers!.) 90 min. REAL STEEL - PG 13 - Action - The artist formerly known as Wolverine makes a shady living in the biz of amateur robot boxing. Barry Wurst II says, “While the film is predictable, it isn’t stupid.â€? 128 min. TOWER HEIST - PG 13 - Comedy - This movie about Wall Street Ponzi scheme-revenge stars Eddie Murphy as a petty crook, Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) as a Jamaican maid, and Michael Pena (Crash) as Enrique the bellhop. Meanwhile, Alan Alda’s a billionaire, Ben Stiller’s a building manager, Matthew Broderick’s an investor and Tea Leoni’s a special agent. We’re assuming the opening sequence is simply a recital of the Willie Lynch letter. 104 min. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN: PART 1 - PG 13 - Fantasy - Vampires suck. 132 min. â–

.com

2011 BEST OF MAUI WINNER

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KULA KID

Rites and Revelations BY ANU YAGI He brought out a yellow nickel tablet. He brought out a yellow Ticonderoga pencil. He opened the tablet. He licked the pencil... “I’m going to divide the summer up in two parts... First part of this tablet it titled: RITES AND CEREMONIES... Those are the things we do over and over and never think. Now here in back... DISCOVERIES AND REVELATIONS or maybe ILLUMINATIONS, that’s a swell word, or INTUITIONS, okay? In other words you do an old familiar thing... And then you think about it, and what you think, crazy or not, you put it under [there].” – Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine

N

Wake up with Shaggy & Big C

ear office buildings’ dumpsters (especially when they view municipal parking lots, as they do near MauiTime) are a good place to hangout and people-watch; i.e. if you enjoy watching people and eau de drunk bum. I spend a few minutes every few hours doing just that (whilst attending to a bad habit), and today this is what I observed: She stepped out of her car and smoothed her short skirt. Stork legs kinked like a hex key–no-thanks to an evil (but cute) pair of highgloss stilettos–she managed to take 10 tenuous steps before her knees buckled when a heel got caught in a divot in the asphalt. Poor lady. I would’ve rushed to help her, but I was too busy worrying if that’s how I look when I attempt to strut in ill-fated shoes. It used to be that I wore heels so often, I could break into a rapid trot befitting of awardwinning equine–however it made me look like an ass. So I switched to rubbah slippahz– Locals brand, of course–which is cheaper and much more respectable when you’re an allhours Wailuku wanderer. But this got me thinking about my gait, so I took a stroll around the block to make some stride-assessments. Damage report: Quasimodo ain’t got shit on me, and I think I’d be better off in a wheelchair (with apologies to bad-asses in wheelchairs). That the Ministry of Silly Walks hasn’t solicited my expertise is beyond me. My poor, limp stump of right leg cocks out an an angle and is swung like a heavy club in some semblance of forward motion; meanwhile my weaker left leg scuffs along in pursuit. Sexy, I know. Then again, sexy isn’t exactly the look I’m going for, though maybe it should be. Via the dreaded “Tag Photo” function, Facebook has informed me I tend toward haute-unsure that can best be described as “I’ve come to eat your newborn.” Speaking of eating: “Hello, hamburger steak. Prepare to meat your doom.” I posted that on Facebook recently and people liked it, so I’m slapping it into this column as a crappy segue to talk about Thanksgiving leftovers–which is entirely unrelated to people-watching and relatively obscure Monty Python references. To say that me and my ex-husband Bill Murray have been supping a lot of turkey soup

lately is an understatement. We’re heading into the holidays broker than we’ve ever been– whether together or otherwise–and so we’ve been making leftovers stretch like Armstrong. If you think it’s weird to spend a lot of time with your ex, you’re right–it is. But if you had a Star Trek tradition six years in the making, you’d understand. Space may be the final frontier, but if the show teaches us anything, it’s that love and loss are complexities unconquered the universe-over. Between episodes, we play two-person Spades or steel tipped darts, meanwhile listening to vinyl (PS: I recommend not taking Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” too literally)–and the stove, should it boil-over. “Gosh, turkey’s sure got a distinct aroma– and it smells like the holidays,” I said, realizing it for the first time. “Right? What other time of the year do you eat turkey? Well, other than deli meat.” “Bleh. You know what? After a lifetime, I finally admitted to myself I really don’t like deli turkey. So I’ve been opting for ham instead; though I’d prefer roast beef if it wasn’t so sinewy.” (Ah, yes. Meaningful conversations at their finest.) “Sinewy?” “Yeah, sinewy.” “I don’t think that’s a word,” Bill said as he won a trick with a King of Hearts beating my Jack. “Shut up! You know it’s a word. Sinewy. Sin-ew-y!” Bill just shook his head defiantly. “Gah! You know, those stringy, fatty things in sliced meat that looks like the aerial view of rivers and tributaries?” “Oh. So, like, this card is very sinewy.” He threw down an Ace with a mischievous smirk and clanked his can of The Beast against my glass of red wine, though it was still sitting on the table and I was in no cheery mood. “Actually, now that I think of it, maybe it’s a misappropriated word that really means tendon, but–” “Ah-ha! See, you have no idea what sinew is–if it is anything!” “Bill, it’s a goddamned colloquialism, I’m sure of it.” “Colloquia-what?” Bill’s vocab isn’t exactly prize-worthy, but he’s got a Ph.D. in pushing my buttons. All is forgiven when I win the game. Curiously, it seemed only because Bill “Play to Win” Murray–a man who’s only happy playing a game he’s winning–grossly overestimated his cards. Could it have been calculated? Did he lose on purpose so that I’d win? That neither sounds like the man I married nor divorced, but surprising change is exactly that. With the leftovers stew almost done, it was time to cue Star Trek, take out the trash, attend to a bad habit and think about the day. So, swinging my stupid leg, I got up to look for my Locals. ■

To read more Kula Kid with links and photos and stuff, and to leave comments, visit mauifeed.com/kulakid

anu@mauitime.com

28

DECEMBER 8, 2011

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HOROSCOPE

Sign Language BY CAERIEL CRESTIN

QUIZunderstood ANSWERS ...to questions on page 6

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)

People aren’t rational. The sooner you accept this with grace and humor, the less stressful this week will be. That’s not to say it’ll be stress-free; dealing with these crazy freaks will probably still cause you some misery, but as long as you can keep a calm head and laugh at their silliness instead of being annoyed by it, you’ll survive. Of course, try to remember not to laugh in their faces. That’s understandably likely to make things worse. Chuckle on the inside, humor them when possible, and proceed to the next chapter as swiftly and efficiently as you can.

Having lived in cities where many people are loaded, I’ve often rubbed elbows and become friends with people who are much wealthier than me. Having such a huge disparity in lifestyle can be off-putting (I remember struggling to listen without resentment to a friend discussing which million-dollar apartment to buy, while I was wondering how I’d afford dinner that night). In some cases, it’s inevitable that money can create a rift between people, but this week that’s not the case unless you push hard in that direction. It doesn’t need to be that big a deal right now, so don’t make it one.

1–B: A new police station. 2–A: 4,250 Maui residents were unemployed last year (the actual number was 6,250) 3–C: Santa Claus figurines.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)

Nosy people are terribly annoying. You can’t do anything about just how obnoxiously intrusive they are. All you can really control is how you react to their boundary violations. Do you suppose that getting annoyed, defensive, or retaliatory is going to either help things, or make your life more pleasant? Probably not. Laughter is your best bet here—even if you can’t make them laugh, at least you can do yourself that favor. Steer towards trying to tell them to mind their own business in the most hilarious way possible, then gracefully move on with your life, hopefully with a smile on your face.

No one knows better than you just how dynamic life is; nothing’s permanent. Unfortunately, many Cancers can get into a terrible mental pattern where you barely allow yourself to experience happiness before you begin to contemplate the end of that happiness—thereby putting a serious damper on your own joy. Obviously just telling yourself to “get over it” doesn’t often work, so you may need help or distractions to really enjoy these delightful moments, without worrying much about their (yes, inevitable) ends. This week, getting that help or distraction should be quite easy; ask and ye shall receive. LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

When people question your choices, you must ask yourself; are they coming from a place of legitimate concern, or just being judgmental douches? If the former, heeding them is probably in your best interest, and your decisions should be thoughtful enough to withstand a little well-meant scrutiny, anyway. In the latter case, though, putting them in their place can be very satisfying, and I highly recommend it. That can be a lot of effort, though, and they might not be worth it; in that case, you don’t need to take their bullshit; just walk away. PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

I usually urge you to resist your tendency to avoid conflict, as leaving too many things unresolved is good for neither you nor anyone else in your life. However, some things really are best swept under the rug and forgotten, because bringing them up would inevitably make them into a much bigger issue than they really are. This is one of those times. Yes, this molehill is annoying, but there’s no way to mention it without it becoming a mountain, so your best bet is to do what you have to do to get over it and never mention it; if you ever do, you’ll probably regret it. ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

You have a tendency to root for the underdog, which sometimes mean you can end up on the “wrong” team, or help someone do something that might reflect poorly on both of you, later. Let’s just say that when your emotions get involved, your rational judgment suffers. That’s not entirely a criticism; it’s one of the things I enjoy about you. However, it can definitely get you into trouble, especially this week, so turn up the volume on your natural caution and try—really try—to look before you leap, so you can (this time, anyway) land on your feet instead of your ass. TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

When people go through major changes in life (getting pregnant, moving, losing a loved one), they naturally experience powerful, uncontrollable emotions, and generally, everyone understands. What people are less understanding about is that even small (but significant) changes can produce emotions that are nearly as difficult to resist or suppress (even if they’re not quite as extreme), so you’re frequently tempted to hide them—something you’ve become quite good at. This week, though, I hope you don’t, because hiding what you feel would reinforce the walls between you and others. Showing a little vulnerability, on the other hand, would only endear you to the people you love—clearly the better outcome. GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

Some requests are simply unreasonable, but that by itself should be an indicator of where the people making those crazy demands are coming from—perhaps a place of intense emotion or deep need. Before you call them out, consider that. It’s up to you how far you allow your normal boundaries to be bent, or not, but try to be compassionate, no matter what you decide. One thing’s for certain: whether or not these people truly require what they ask of you, they definitely do need your kindness and understanding. Whether or not you fulfill their demands, try to at least give them that. VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)

What I want from others is thoughtfulness, reasonableness, and logical consistency. I don’t expect everyone (or even most) to share my views, but it galls me when someone’s philosophies are rife with hypocritical inconsistencies, major logical flaws, or simply don’t make sense (reflecting a complete lack of actual thought). Of course, I rarely have to worry about such things with you Virgos; you’re usually the picture of logic and reason— except once in a while, when you veer off-course. Since that’s a danger this week, please pay attention and use your marvelous brain to keep your occasionally erratic emotions on track. LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)

I don’t have a green thumb. What a simple thing, to keep plants alive, right? However, I suck at it; perhaps it’s because the feedback they give me is often too late to do anything about; by the time they’re wilting and brown, for example, more watering won’t save them. Humans, when they’re especially reticent about their emotions, can be just as bad, which is why I prefer people who aren’t shy about sharing, so that I can react before things have progressed past the point of no return. Be one of those people; express yourself while there’s still time for correction and change, instead of waiting until it’s actually too late.

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SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

People can do extraordinary things when they transcend their limitations—or what they thought were their limitations. Naturally, this only happens when they try things they think themselves incapable of. This is when self-knowledge can be a terrible weakness, Scorpio. Since you know yourself so well, you may believe you know how much you can (or can’t) do—but that knowledge is probably inaccurate or outdated. It’s time to test yourself by pushing far past what you thought you could do. Don’t just aim higher; shoot for the highest point you can see. You may fall short—but a lot closer than you ever believed.

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