Farrago Edition 1 2012 by Max Denton

FARRAGO FEBRUARY 2012:

JAPAN ONE YEAR LATER

NEW FEES

EXPLAINED

FILM MUSIC DRAGONS TENNIS BATS

FARRAGO.

EDITION ONE, FEBRUARY 2012

COVER BY MAX DENTON

THE FODDER

14-34

“So long as we can send out a capsule with peanut butter, vibrators and the first season of Community, what does it matter if the planet survives?” SARINA MURRAY—PAGE 15

4 LETTERS

8 NEWS THERE ARE NEW FEES ON THE WAY, SALLY WHYTE CHATS TO MARGARET SIMMONS & UNION HOUSE IS GETTING OLD 12 OFFICE BEARER REPORTS

16-17

TWO OF THE SEXIEST COLUMNS 18

A YEAR IN BEERS 19

EVERYTHING YOU CAN KNOW ABOUT BATS 20-21

27-29

STAGE: MTC, SHAKESPEARE & UNION THEATRE NEWS 30-31

SCREEN: FILMS TO WATCH FOR & THE BEST ONES REVIEWED 32-33

TWO TAKES ON YOUR FIRST YEAR

BOOKS: A LOOK BACK AT HITCHENS & THE BEST 2ND HAND BOOKSHOPS

22-26

SOUND: REVIEWS, INTERVIEWS & FESTIVALS

GOURMET ON A BUDGET

FEATURES

35-50

FICTION

50-55

OPINION

57-59

36 JAPAN: ONE YEAR ON

Imogen Smith-Waters

PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR AHEAD

40 NOT OF WOMAN BORN? THE MECHANICS OF THE C-SECTION Damir Ljuhar

42 THE NEW FEES ARE COMING Emma Koehn

SEND THE URANIUM AWAY 52 THE HOLIDAY SUITE 53

54 CITY PARK & BREAKFAST

THE DANCE OF THE DRAGONS

HOW TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND

46 BREAK UP SURVIVAL 101

WHO’S COMING TO DINNER & POLITICAL CHEAT SHEET

EARMUFFS & FISHEYES

MONOGAMY: WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

THE BACK

FEELING A LITTLE QUEER WITH HOMO ERECTUS 63

LIFE S’PORT: KEVIN HAWKINS ON TENNIS AS A SELFSERVING SPORT

48 TEACH FOR AUSTRALIA

ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR.

EMAIL: FARRAGO2012@GMAIL.COM

Dearest readers of Farrago, Welcome to our first edition for 2012. We ask you to take your shoes off, put your feet up and relax whilst reading our little magazine. Whilst this edition does not appear in 3D, Farrago is now printed in full colour and has been resized to be tiny but mighty. It’s smaller and better than ever, and will actually fit into the trendiest of hipster satchels. Discover our new section, The Fodder: a mixture of the latest news in sound, screen, stage and books. All students are encouraged to attend our launch parties, workshops, media collective and proofreading sessions…OR DIE. Until our second edition or the time we see you next, Max, Ella, Vicky and Scott.

Vicky By the time you read these words we will have been working on Farrago for the better part of two months. At the start of the year we were handed an office, complete with computers, a couch, mice, back copies of every Australian student publication since 1993, and control of Farrago, which a lot of past eds have [depressingly] described as the best job they’ve ever had. I hope that you can get as excited about Farrago this year as we are, because the magazine belongs to all students, and is an opportunity for you to develop your skills, whether you write, design, draw, event plan or just sit on our couch and talk shit. We want your bollocks opinions on politics and excellent poems about ducks. We want you to get angry about semicolon use for us and check our sprelling. We want you to come dance at our launch parties, and most of all we want to make a magazine that you want to read.

Scott I am a very lucky boy. To become an editor of Farrago, in any year, is an incredible privilege and life-changing opportunity. In 2012, however, following the re-introduction of the Student Services and Amenities Fee and subsequent increase in the media department’s budget, I feel particularly fortunate. My co-editors and I are able to publish a magazine of such high quality and standard, whilst also providing a number of opportunities for students via workshops and events. It’s going to be good year! I’m especially excited for Farrago’s new section, The Fodder, which features dedicated sections for stage, screen, sound and books. Similarly, being the pig I am, I’m thrilled to have Julia Matthews on board with her food blog, The Naked Kitchen, and am keenly eating up her every word. FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Ella Having been busy with multiple last minute, panic-worthy deadline problems, I have found myself unable to write a proper editorial. Instead, I leave you with this cartoon, which I feel perfectly sums up my experiences of the last few weeks:

Max This may be hysteria from lack of sleep, but I could not be more chuffed about this first edition. I have this image of what a university magazine should be—a motley and eclectic collection that reflects and engages the lives students are actually living. And this first edition, which has finally broken our printing virginity, is full of all kinds of brilliant eclectic crap. Check out Thom’s wonderfully honest music reviews, Sasha Burden’s divinely saucy story and the beautiful photos by Natasha Jansz that colour this edition—they’re just a few of the curious bits and bobs that you’ll find. I hope you enjoy it, and remember that Farrago is your magazine: so get involved, come along and send us that weird and wonderful thing you’ve drawn/ written/eaten. Now if you excuse me I’m going to go fall asleep at my computer.

EDITORS Max Denton, Ella Dyson, Vicky Smith and Scott Whinfield.

CONTRIBUTORS Eeva Armand, Thomas Abildgaard, Jacob Bat- tista, Sasha Burden, Tom Clift, Kate Crowhurst, Natalie Diney, Homo Erectus, Chris Fieldus, Richard Gwatkin, Tim Hall, Amy Haywood, Richard Haridy, Kevin Hawkins, Andrew Hearl, Samantha Jean Toh, Gary Johal, Bec Jones, Daniel Jones, Mark Kettle, Zoe Kingsley, Emma Koehn, Melissa Koutoukidis, Danielle Kutchel, Bonnie Leigh-Dodds, John Lister, Damir Ljuhar, James Madden, Julia Matthews, Clancy Moore, Sarina Murray, Matthew Neilsen, Alex O’Brien, Jess O’Callaghan, Binny Park, Luke Patterson, Chris Shorten, Imogen Smith-Waters, John Stowell, Christine Todd, Meg Watson, James Whitmore, Sally Whyte, Tess Wilden.

SUB-EDITORS Josh Arandt, Tom Clift, Kate Crowhurst, Giles Dewing, Will Druce, Christopher Fieldus, Mhairi Gador-Whyte, Steve Godden, Richard Gwatkin, Kevin Hawkins, Amy Haywood, Zoe Hough, Bec Jones, Zoe Kingsley, Emma Koehn, Christina Lee, Damir Ljuhar, Briar Lloyd, Lena Ly, James Madden, Mercedes Marsh, Matthew McCarthy, Sarah McColl, Clancy Moore, Nicole Moraleda, Rachelle Moulic, Sarina Murray, Alex O’Brien, Jess O’Callaghan, Luke Patterson, Matt Pierri, Danny Phung, Tahnee Saunders, Michelle See-Tho, Chris Shorten, Christina Spizzica, Christine Todd, David Threllfall, James Whitmore, Meg Watson, Sally Whyte.

GRAPHICS SUB-EDITORS Giles Dewing, Steve Godden, Lena Ly, Mercedes Marsh, Matthew McCarthy, Sarah McColl, Nicole Moraleda, Rachelle Moulic, Danny Phung, Tahnee Saunders.

OUR THANKS AND SEXUAL FAVOURS GO TO MANY We’d like to thank the previous editors: Tim Forster, Erin Handley, Geir O’Rourke and Elizabeth Redman for their ongoing guidance, support and deliveries of cupcakes. Thanks to our fantastic printer, Nigel Quirk, and student councillor, Sarina Murray. Thanks to our glorious and ever-helpful team of sub-editors and contributors: you’ve been brilliant. Last but not least, our friends and family for tolerating our madness, absence and fatigue... we’ll call you back at some stage, we promise. Farrago encourages all students to become involved. Contact the editors if you wish to contribute. Email: farrago2012@gmail.com Phone: 8344 6957 Visit our website: www.farragomagazine.com Like us on Facebook... please? Follow our inane tweets: @farragomagazine

DISCLAIMER: Farrago is the student magazine of the University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU). Farrago is published by the Secretary of the Union, Samuel Vero. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Student Union, printers or editors. All writing and artwork remains the property of the creators and may not be reproduced without their written consent. © 2012 University of Melbourne Student Union. All Rights Reseved.

MEDIA DEPARTMENT

MEDIA COLLECTIVE IS HAPPENING! MEDIA COLLECTIVE is an opportunity for word-nerds to get together and talk all things words, writing and Farrago. Mondays at 1pm in Graham Cornish Room B, level 2 Union House, weeks 1, 2, 4 & 5. And watch for our workshop series: Beginning with a reviewing workshop, conducted by editor and writer Jo Case. Thursday, 15 March, Guild Theatre, Level 1, Union House. Come along!

UNIVERSITY OF MELBOURNE STUDENT UNION

NEWS.

FEBRUARY 2012

UNION

New Compulsory Student Services Fees To Be Introduced Student Union membership to disappear as new services and amenities fee is introduced. New structure gives the university control over fee and how much is distributed to the Union.

ll students will now be required to pay a Students and Services Amenities Fee (SSAF) due to legislation passed by the Gillard government in October last year. In the biggest shake-up to student services funding since the introduction of Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU) in 2006 under the Howard government, universities are now allowed to charge a non-academic fee of up to $263. According to the University of Melbourne, the SSAF “is intended to provide a significant increase in the level of funding available to student services and amenities at tertiary institutions”. Revenue for student services is expected to increase from $5.6 million to $11.68 million following the introduction of the fee. The new fee structure gives control of funding of student services to universities, allowing the University of Melbourne to allocate funds to student representative services at their discretion. This contrasts with the pre-VSU structure that allowed student unions direct control over their funding, which has been a point of controversy among student representatives. The University of Melbourne has decided to allow 20.9% of the money raised from the SSAF to be distributed by the University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU). The increase brings UMSU’s budget up to $2,436,510 from $1,551,375 in 2011, while the corporate arm of the student union, MUSUL (Melbourne University Student Union Ltd.) will receive $3,046,909 up from $2,046,909.

IN FIGURES

$263 $11.68 million will be raised by the university 20.9% of which will go to the Union charged to full-time student

$2.4 million

is the projected Union budget for 2012 Within UMSU, most clubs will find themselves receiving close to a 50% increase to their budget. Similarly, most departments, including the media department that publishes Farrago, are receiving significant increases to their annual budgets. High on the list of priorities is funding large-scale events and barbeques, seeking to boost campus life. Nevertheless, some students are reluctant to pay an extra fee for student services. Brandon, a Biomedicine student, is one of those concerned: “I think it is a joke that I and others have to pay for services which we haven’t used and probably never will.” Designed to remedy the collapse in funding brought about by the introduction of VSU, it will be at least 12 months before the full impact is visible. Though changes should be evident throughout 2012 as the Union and campus adjust to this new structure. ~ Melissa Koutoukidis, Max Denton & Scott Whinfield MORE

FEATURE BY EMMA KOEHN—PAGE 42

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

DUMMIES GUIDE TO THE SSAF: How much am I going to pay? Full time students will pay $263. Part time students will pay $197. International students will have the SSAF included in their course fees.

Can I defer it? Eligible students (Australian students/ permanent humanitarian visa holders) can apply to defer part or all of their SSAF by lodging a Request for SA-HELP, available through the Student Portal.

Why do I have to pay it? Prior to this year you’ve already been paying for student services through your tuition fee, thanks to transitional funding from the uni that kept student services going. From 2012 they will be separate. Student services may not seem important, but they provide many things that are vital to campus life—from the pages you’re reading now, to legal assistance for disadvantaged students, to Tuesday bands and free barbeques and breakfasts.

Why does it burn when I pee? Please see a doctor. Or turn to page 74.

ILLUSTRATIONS: ELLA DYSON

Changes at the VCAM JACOB BATTISTA

T Poisonous Old Union House SALLY WHYTE

one million dollar refurbishment of Union House is on the cards after an asbestos breach and ceiling collapse last year highlighted the decrepit state of the 1930s building. A five metre by 15 metre section of ceiling in the Grand Buffet Hall collapsed when the supporting rods failed late last year. Melbourne University Student Union Limited (MUSUL) CEO Trevor White says that it was fortunate no one was injured as the ceiling fell on a weekend when no students or staff were there. “The engineers went through the rest of the ceilings and they’re fine.” White said. The section in question was added in the 1970s. An asbestos breach also caused headaches for the Union last year. A fire door in the Guild Theatre had been scraping “for some time,” disturbing the asbestos. White says certified processes were used to contain the toxic building material and repair the area. The university has promised the Union one million dollars as part of the Student Services and Amenities Fee to refurbish Union House. Repairs are overdue, according to White. “The building needs to be repaired and modernised,” he said. The location of Union House, as well as its state of disrepair, is under review. White says MUSUL “may relocate and duplicate services” to a new location south of Grattan Street. An increasing percentage of students are based south of Grattan Street, leaving Union House at an “isolated end of campus,” White says. MUSUL is in the early stages of producing a master plan for the Union’s physical home and White says consultation with students and staff is planned for this year.

his year marks the introduction of the new Bachelor of Fine Arts (BFA) course at the Victorian College of the Arts (VCA). The BFA will allow students to continue their concentrated studies in the field they have chosen, and also provide students with more opportunities for cross discipline study and interaction. “The BFA provides opportunities for students to cross over into other areas of interest and so gain the benefit of the unique and exciting coalition of disciplines on the one site, that is this campus. The VCA is rare in this regard and we believe this is the best way to do it,” said Su Baker, director of the VCA. “We think this gives a good balance and is relevant to the 21st century arts environment. “ Baker noted that with the evolution of the courses there may be options for further study in the future. “We are thinking about BFA Honours and the Masters programs, which gives students up to five years of education and training in their chosen field.” On the other side of the Faculty, director of the Melbourne Conservatorium for Music (MCM) Professor Gary McPherson highlighted that “ two new masters degrees are commencing this year.” He considers the existing Honours program to be a “great success”. Physical changes have also occurred on the Southbank Campus. This includes the reopening of the Elisabeth Murdoch Building. The refurbished building hosts a range of new facilities as well as the relocation of some others. It now offers a new post-graduate lounge, the student centre, two new computer studios for music and production, and the relocation of the postgraduate art studios. Baker noted that the new building “allows us to upgrade performance and digital training opportunities. We will continue to upgrade the studios as required and to provide common spaces for students to meet and learn together.” Part of the one million dollar state funding has been allocated for the upgrading of facilities at the VCA. Baker acknowledged that part

of the funding was allocated for the immediate renewal of VCA facilities and equipment. This included: • A new dance floor for the Dance building • New pianos for Music, Dance and some Theatre studios. • Upgrade of Production lighting equipment rigs and a new computer lab for performance design technology teaching • Upgrade to the recording studios in the Contemporary Music building • A contribution to the upgrade of the Elisabeth Murdoch building and in particular creating studios for Master of Fine Art students.

Wom*n’s Room Refurbished BELINDA O’CONNER

he Wom*n’s Room has recently undergone a massive refurbishment. The space has been entirely repainted and steam cleaned, and local street-artist, Sera Hocquard, has completed a mural which features prominently. The Wom*n’s Room is intended as a fun, safe space on campus for students who identify as women, rather than a hide away from individual male students, who are generally great allies to women. The Room is free from the broader effects of sexism and male privilege, and is free of queerphobia, racism, sexism, and other judgement. It is often host to organised events, or acts as a place to meet, relax, have a cup of tea and form lasting friendships. As part of the refurbishment, the space now offers comfortable new couches for lounging and power-napping, updated information on health and wellbeing and, as always, free tea and coffee, condoms, tampons and more. The wom*n-centred library is also receiving many fresh new titles.

Student Union 101 MARK KETTLE

What is the Student Union?

Bottled Water Ban Delayed SCOTT WHINFIELD AND CHRIS SHORTEN

lans to enforce a bottled water ban across the Parkville campus have been delayed until changes are made to university policy. The ‘Go Tap’ campaign, which encourages students to opt for re-usable water bottles and access water fountains throughout the campus, will be launched as planned on 21 February. Campus retailers are being encouraged to voluntarily remove bottled water from sale, though are not required to do so until the policy change is implemented. MUSUL Tenancy Administrator and Projects Co-ordinator, Dominique ComberSticca, noted in a memo on 8 February: “the University is working towards policy that will affect any and all supply of bottled water on its Parkville Campus. At this stage the ban on sales is not enforceable in the service and supply contracts currently under operation, but any change to the University policy will in turn affect those supply contracts and leases held by tenants.” The Southbank and Burnley campuses have already transitioned to become bottled water free in recent months. The relative size and number of on campus retailers, however, has made these transitions much simpler and easier to implement on the smaller campuses. UM Sustainability Manager Harry Troedel told Farrago that in addition to a significant decrease in waste, the initiative will bring wideranging financial benefits to students and the university. The ‘Go Tap’ campaign complements the additional 18 water fountains installed on campus in the second half of 2011, raising the total to over 40.

The University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU) is the voice of students to the university and the community. UMSU represents all students at the University of Melbourne, undergraduate and postgraduate, domestic and international. The Student Union is run by students, for students and is independent of the University. As your representatives we advocate your interests to the university on committees and boards, provide support if you have an issue with the university, and we organise and fund clubs and events so that your time at university is more than just study. We are funded by students through the new Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) charged by the University as one of organisations on campus that provide activities, representation and services to students.

Advocacy and Support—The Union has your back The Student Union has your back if you ever run into trouble or need some support. Our advocates (located on the third floor of Union House) can help if you have an issue with the University ranging from special consideration to harassment. The Information Desk on the ground floor of Union House can direct you to anywhere in the University or to any service you might need. And check out the Legal Service if you get into any trouble with the law, no matter is too small! Plus we have safe spaces for womyn and queer students if you ever want to chill out; the Womyn’s room is on the first floor of Union House and the Queer Space on the third floor. Check out publications for information on your education, clubs, events, theatre, advocacy during O Week, semester and on the website at union.unimelb.edu.au

Representation and Activism—Fighting for your rights One of he Student Union’s most important functions is to represent students’ interests to the University in committees, boards and meetings. Student representatives tell the University what students think on a range of issues from courses and subjects, timetables, the portal and LMS, common lunch hour to the University’s alcohol policy. Student reps participation is valued and sought after

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

by most in the University, as after all they wouldn’t be here with out us. Make sure you tell the university what you think on each and every issue, as they often don’t see it from a student perspective, and if you are keen to sit on a university committee and represent your peers be sure to join the Student Representative Network. Together with representing students to the university, the Student Union runs campaigns from the department collectives to achieve changes to require more than meeting with University. Campaigns that will run by the Union through out the year include getting lectures recorded in every subject, capping class sizes, improving safety on campus and working with the National Union of Students to stop an increase in HECS and fight for concession cards for international and postgraduate students.

Activities and Events—Uni is a lot more than study There are over 120 clubs run by students for almost every faculty, interest, and nationality. Clubs are central to making friends at university, with so many it is impossible for there not be a club that everyone can join and get involved in. Every Tuesday the Student Union hosts a Beer Band and BBQ event at 1pm on North Court. There are numerous events other throughout semester run by the Student Union including trivia nights, comedy nights and a Start of Uni Party (SOUP). University is more than just going to class. It is the friends we make and experiences we have that define us.

How to get involved! Walk up to a club stall or event through out semester, join a collective and be a part of a campaign for change, ask at the Information desk in Union House on your way to finding a part of the University, walk into the office of a student representative on the first floor of Union House, help run a Union event such as the weekly Tuesday Beer Band and BBQ in North Court or the free breakfast program, become a tutor in the English Language Program or a representative on a university committee through the Student Representative Network (SRN) Mark Kettle is the President of UMSU.

PROFILE

Margaret Simons The arrival of Margaret Simons ushers in a new era of journalism studies at Melbounre Uni. SALLY WHYTE

he university’s star recruit to the Centre of Advanced Journalism (CAJ), Margaret Simons, already has a plan of attack for the new Master of Journalism. Simons was appointed as the new director of the CAJ and the inaugural director of the Master of Journalism in December. Taking over the role from Michael Gawenda, she hopes to make the centre an institution that is recognised for “innovation, discussion, ideas, and practical solutions for the future of citizenship—that part of citizenship which is about journalism, because that’s what journalism is. It’s an act of engaged citizenship”. Simons’ appointment can be seen as a sign of the value placed in the new Master’s degree as she arrives at the university after a career spanning over 30 years. This time includes coveted experience at The Age, The Australian, and more recently the online publication Crikey! Most recently in her academic career she has taught journalism at Swinburne University. She has also taught at RMIT and is one the founders of the Public Interest Journalism Foundation. As she lists possible future tutors such as Dennis Muller, former editor of The Age, and Andrew Dodd, former ABC radio and television reporter, it is obvious that the university has big plans for the Masters, just as Simons has big plans for its graduates. “Convergence is the reality. Everybody has to do everything—including web based publication, the growth area for jobs is in small start ups.” After only three weeks in the job, the walls in Simons’ office are a bit bare, with only a poster proclaiming “Victory is Tweet”. “Your generation is a generation of media adepts in a way mine weren’t at your age. One of the main things is to get students to reflect on the media practices they are already doing.” Engaging with new media and using existing media in new ways are important parts of what Simons hopes to teach. “Most of our students will already know how to use Facebook, but using it journalistically to converse with your audience, to assemble your audience and the way in which it alters

your relationship with them [are necessary skills for all modern journalists],” Simons says. Practical experience will be a focus of the Master’s degree, according to Simons. “The vast bulk of assessment will be real life journalistic projects,” she says. Yet she also claims the discussion of such journalistic practice has never been more urgent. With this in mind she acknowledges the dual roles of the CAJ: teaching the Masters, research, and engaging with knowledge transfer to the community. Importantly, the centre’s research endeavours are beginning to show some results. The AuSud Media Project—an investigation into how Sudanese Australians are presented in the media—was established by Simons’ predecessor, and is a great source of excitement for Simons in her new role. The program’s first graduates from the training program are making their way into the media, and Simons is quietly confident about the results. She describes training marginalised communities in media skills as a “media intervention”, and says the findings could have “international implications for marginalised communities”. There are also plans underway for Simons’ own research, which revolves around political journalism and political participation before the next federal election. Simons didn’t reveal much

of the partly formed project except for the bold title, The Citizen’s Agenda. “I’m particularly concerned that a centre such as this talks about journalism not only in the sense of journalists’ jobs, but actually engaging with why journalism is important and why it matters. Engaging with how new media facilitates the way people inform themselves, and engaging just as much with emerging media as what some rather cruelly call legacy media.” The bookshelf in her office is crammed with media textbooks, anthologies, and media analyses. Simons’ most recent book, Journalism at the Crossroads, was published as an e-book only, but she laughs when asked if this is a sign of where the industry is heading. “I think it’s an experiment for, (the publishers), Scribe,” she says. When asked what the university can expect from her, Simons is thoughtful. “I’m a journalist who has made a career transition to academia. In that sense I’m not a conventional academic—I’m still learning, and I don’t intend to abandon the things I’ve learnt. I’m going to continue practicing journalism. I’m going to continue to be engaged with the outside world—including at times being controversial.”

YOU IS FOR UNION STUDENT UNION OFFICE BEARER REPORTS

Union Legal Service free of charge. This year we have the opportunity to make big plans for the Student Union, what is your vision? We’ll be working towards greater student support, larger student run events and a return to activism on campus. We want to hear what you want to see from your Student Union. We, as students, have a rare opportunity to create a Student Union for all of us. Tell us what you want to see on the website, Facebook and Twitter. EDUCATION (PUBLIC)

AYEESHA CAIN & JIM SMITH PRESIDENT

MARK KETTLE Hi! My name is Mark Kettle and I’m the Student Union President for 2012. The Student Union is here to look after you if you get into trouble, represent students to the University, run campaigns from improving youth allowance to recording all lectures. It also organises and funds clubs and events so that your university experience is more than just study. As President, I am the official spokesperson of the Student Union to the university, government, media and the public. The president is responsible for day-to-day management of the organisation and chairs Students’ Council. I represent students on senior University Committees such as University Council, Academic Board and have regular meetings with senior university staff. Everyone is a student union member. At the end of last year the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) was passed by the Labor government to restore funding for student services at universities. The SSAF is charged by the university and is restoring vital funding to organisations that provide activities, representation and services to students. This includes the Student Union, the Graduate Students Association, MU Sport and Childcare. Throughout the year you will see many improvements to the Student Union to bring it up the high standard we saw before dramatic funding cuts introduced by the Howard government in 2006. 2012 will see the profile of UMSU lifted with a greater presence throughout and around an upgraded Union House, a dedicated UMSU Guide on representatives and clubs and even the option of purchasing UMSU merchandise such as t-shirts so you can show your pride as a member of the Student Union! Because of the SSAF, Clubs and Societies saw an increase in funding from $60,000 to $260,000. All other departments have also seen substantial increases meaning that unlike previous years, student run events around campus will no longer be running on a shoe string. This year will also see better bands at the weekly Beer Band and BBQ program on Tuesdays in North Court at 1pm. What Do You Want From Your Student Union? For the first time in six years the Student Union has the opportunity to expand our projects and services, such as running the Student

SECRETARY

SAM VERO Welcome back to Uni all of those returning in 2012, and welcome to all the first years walking bright eyed into their first year of uni and first edition of Farrago. I’ll just give a brief outline of some of the non-administrative things I’ve been doing of late, it may look a little shorter than some office bearers, but I suspect many of you don’t want to hear about Students’ Council: Advocacy Service: The University is conducting a tender for funding for the advocacy service. We, as the Student Union, are presented with an opportunity to significantly improve the representation provided to students both in direct advocacy and in presenting views beneficial to students to government and the university. We should make the best use of this opportunity that we can, President Mark Kettle and myself will be making sure that happens at every step along the way. Legal Service: The UMSU legal service will not be continuing in the structure it did in 2011 and for years before that. A new structure is being investigated as well as ways for student office bearers to more closely work with the legal service, such as assisting in setting up a legal aid volunteering system staffed by law students. The structure of this will become clearer as we move through the year. Student Portal Renewal: Continuing on work done last year, I have been representing the Union in the process of updating one of the main ways in which students interact with the administrative side of their education, the Student Portal. This service is undergoing an almost constant process of change, and until now there hasn’t been any input from a student perspective on how this service would best serve their needs. In light of this, a number of student consultation sessions have already been run in collaboration with some of the project’s staff to make the portal work better for students. Currently, the focus is on making sure the information taken from these sessions makes its way into the new portal and that consultation with students is ongoing as the process continues.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Hi, we’re Ayeesha and Jim, your Ed Pub officers for 2012. We’re really excited and still a little nervous but mostly we’re on track for a successful 2012! This year some of the things you’ll see us working on are: The Counter Course Handbook: We will be updating its current layout and content so that you’ll have easier access to more than 150 subject reviews, course comments and tips. You’ll see more online and hard copies. Procrastination Workshops: If you want to make the most of your study time, then come along to the first Procrastination workshop, scheduled for April 3rd. This workshop will give you practical techniques to overcome procrastination. Record Our Lectures Campaign: We will be building a campaign using last year’s survey that questioned why students want compulsory lecture recording. Look forward to BBQs, flyers, stickers and online campaigns. Education Collective: Education Collective will be back and better than ever. We’ve moved to a new time, Tuesdays at 12pm, and a new location, Graham Cornish A, Union House. Come along to contribute your ideas regarding education issues at university. Finally, we’d like to thank Audrey and Elliot for all their hard work last year and for a successful changeover. We wish them all the very best!

EDUCATION (ACADEMIC) ANNA MORRISON & KARA HADGRAFT

Hi, we’re Anna and Kara your new Education: Academic Affairs Officers for 2012. The Education: Academic Affairs office is here to help all students with academic issues such as working with the Student Union’s advocacy service to assist students who are in any trouble in their degrees and to represent student concerns to the University. The university has a range of committees that decide almost everything about the quality of your degree, such as the subjects offered,

whether or not your lectures are recorded and readings are online, how many people are in your tutes and even how many marks you lose if you hand an essay in late. The Student Representative Network (SRN) is a program whereby UMSU appoints student representatives to sit on many of these committees. Some of the things the SRN has done in the past include adjusting breadth requirements so that students can study more of what they want and increasing library-opening hours. This year we are hoping to revitalise the SRN by holding training sessions for members as well as social events and weekly meetings. If you’re interested in the quality of your education at Melbourne apply on the Student Union website or come along to our first meeting on 13th of March in the Student Office Bearer Space (first floor of Union House) at 12 pm.

WOM*N’S AMY JENKINS & BELINDA O’CONNOR

“FUN FACT: If you identify as a woman, the Wom*n’s department is for you. Being a woman is pretty great, several 80s anthems can attest to that. It’s also got a fair whack of challenges, from overt objectification, to the fact that we earn 82c to the dollar, and then you might take issue with the fact that there’s a gender binary at all. We’re here to create positive spaces for all women on campus to make friends, organise, share information, and campaign on women’s issues; free from the usual outside influences like body negativity, victim blaming, slut shaming, priority of men’s voices, and assumptions about people’s backgrounds. We fight sexism on campus and off, campaigning on issues like sexual assault, objectification of women, women’s underrepresentation in uni texts, and run fun events like self-defence classes, rad sex and consent week, skill-share workshops and fortnightly movie screenings. A lot of stuff happens around the Wom*n’s Room on Level One of Union House (across from the food co-op). It’s a women-only area where you can get involved in activism, or just use it as you need – for naps, hiding away, or making friends. There’s a computer, fridge, microwave, kettle (free tea and coffee!) and a library of information and books on women’s issues. The room got a revamp this summer, with new décor and the comfiest couches it’s ever seen! Freebies: dams, condoms, tampons, etc. Get involved or just hang out with us! Regular events: Women’s Action Collective [weekly]; Free Movies in the Students’ Lounge [fortnightly]; Feminist Discussion Group [weekly]. website: umsuwomyns.com email: womyns@union.unimelb.edu.au”

Several new initiatives are being investigated to deliver union support to clubs, in a visible and accessible way. One example of this is the use of the special projects budget line to support so called ‘mega-events’ that would be very large oncampus events run by clubs collaborating.

QUEER KATELYN GRIMMER & LUKE NICHOLLS

Greetings! We’re K.t & Luke, this year’s Queer OBs (i.e. Office Bearers)! After spending last year as a Wom*n’s Department OB, K.t is looking forward to joining Luke (who’s returning for the 2nd year) to continue the awesome work the department has done in recent years. On this note, one of the exciting major events the Queer and Wom*n’s Department will be running together this semester (after last year’s success) is “Rad Sex and Consent Week”, a week of workshop and events centred around making sex safer, more respectful and more fun for ourselves and others! Another big event we’re heaps stoked about is Drag School, 8 weeks of comprehensive classes on all things drag, from developing performances to exploring/interrogating ideas around gender/sexuality/identity. Then there are heaps of rad regular events: Queery (weekly queer discussion group!), Lunch With The Queer Bunch (weekly casual catch ups + chow downs…w/free food!), Girlzone (fortnightly hang-out for queer/questioning Wom*n), Queer Film Screenings, Queer Space Parties, & Queer Action Collective (come along to contribute ideas for all these and other events you want to help make happen)! To get involved and/or find more info about the department/ events join our Facebook “UMSU Queer 2012” or email queer@union.unimelb.edu.au!

VCAMSA

JACOB BATTISTA In 2012 the VCAMSA department will offer a huge variety of events. From workshops and master classes, to parties, social gathering and the likes. We also continue to represent and support all students of the Faculty of VCA and MCM. We are here to promote your rights as an artist and a student as well as provide the support only fellow VCAM students can; let us know if you have an issue with your studies or a general concern that may affect others on campus. We also want to hear your ideas for events and other activities, so contact us if you need anything or want to get involved. Facebook. com/VCAMSA twitter: @VCAMSA

WELFARE ISABELLE KINGSHOTT & KELLY SONG

CLUBS & SOCIETIES QUINN OAKLEY & STEPH FIELD

We’re Quinn Oakley and Steph Field, and we’re the Clubs & Societies Office bearers for 2012. We look after the 130 or so clubs that are affiliated with your Student Union. The Clubs & Societies office is located on the 1st floor of Union House, opposite Inu-Bar and is open from 10:30 until 4:30 weekdays. If you have any queries related to running a club, organising an event, or starting a new club, feel free to drop by and have a chat to either the Administrator (Fiona) or an officer (Quinn or Steph). So far this year, we’ve prepared the clubs guide for 2012: a compilation of information about all our clubs, including their contact details and logo. This will be available all year, so pick yourself up a copy of the Student Union guide and have a look!

Hi, we’re Isabelle and Kelly, your 2012 UMSU Welfare Officers! Being a student and trying to juggle paying the rent, putting petrol in the tank, rising text book costs and a steadily increasing HECS can be hard. That’s why we’re here – to make your year and experience at uni that little bit easier. We’ve got great stuff planned for 2012 including free weekly breakfasts at Union House, a Healthy Living Campaign (with free food drives, cooking classes, yoga classes and gym trials), and an English Language Tutorial Program. We’ll help promote your safety on campus with self-defence classes and better lighting at night. We’ll also run a couple of other campaigns including Sexual Health, Mental Health, Student Rights at Work, as well as run a blood drive. This year we are looking for interested student activists to join our Welfare Collective and really make a difference to campus life, student representation and advocacy of important causes. If you want to join and have a say in your union, please contact the Welfare Department on 8344 4808 or email welfare@union.unimelb.edu.au. Feel free to visit us in the Welfare Department in Union House at any time!

theFODDER.

Moments. PHOTOS BY NATASHA JANSZ

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Welcome to our new section, it’s all the juiciest bits and bobs from the magazine—reviews, campus news, events, columns and even a bit of food. And it’s as jumbled as Farrago should be. ~ THE EDS.

CAMPUS * SOUND * SCREEN * STAGE * BOOKS

Misanthropology

March TUESDAY

Stonefield: 1-2pm, North Court, Ground Floor, Union House. Winners of the 2010 Triple J Unearthed High contest, check out these four sisters from rural Victoria as they rock out North Court for 60 minutes straight.

Reviewing workshop: 12-2pm, Guild Theatre, Level

1, Union House. Farrago is hosting a reviewing workshop conducted by the inimitable writer and editor Jo Case. Budding reviewers will gain expert advice on how to approach and write the perfect review.

MONDAY

THURSDAY

Stand up for Student Comedy! 6-9pm, Des Connor room, Union House. Cost: $20. Join comedians Lawrence Leung and Andrew McClelland to hone your comic skil s during this comedy workshop. With two stand-up nights the following week in Union House Member’s Lounge, learn from the masters before your brave the stage.

Campus Comedy Competition: 7pm, Members’ Lounge, Ground Floor, Union House. With a microphone and room full of people, participants may win $500 and a place in the Semester Two Comedy Union Night…if they can make said room full of people laugh. Register at the Union House Info Desk by Friday 16 March.

THURSDAY

SARINA MURRAY

WEDNESDAY

Comedy at the U! 6.30pm, Members’ Lounge, Ground Floor, Union House. Cost: $5 or free if you register to perform. An open mic-style event hosted by Union House Theatre, Lawrence Leung and Andrew McClelland will adjudicate and award prizes.

Toga Party! 7.00pm. Details TBA on union website. Dress in a bed sheet, garbage bag or potato sack and eat grapes with friends. This is an over-18s licensed event, maybe leave the kiddies at home for this one.

TUESDAY

o you take three minute showers, ride a bike and plan on using cloth diapers*? Don’t fool yourself, you’re not Jack to the planet’s Rose in this analogy. Nature is the Titanic, we are the iceberg, and it brought the whole sinking thing on itself. Things started going wrong around the time of the Big Bang. Hot, dense and expanding rapidly, the inception of our universe was much like Jessica Simpson. As one tiny portion of this system, Earth should be held no more responsible for the overall package than one of Simpson’s pre-Proactiv pores. But we have to live here. For epochs, that was pretty ideal for us—nature provided us with all the resources to evolve and carve tools, to build dwellings and civilisations, to make Mad Men and have reasoned debates about how much attention should be focused on Christina Hendricks’ bosom. I fully believe that humans are responsible for climate change, but I blame nature. The planet has decided to become bitchier than Old Testament Yahweh. If I went all Moses and walked to the top of Mount Dandenong, here’s how my dehydration-induced discourse with nature would probably look : Me: ‘Hey! Thanks for the coal. It’s not only a great synonym for black, to be used in my atrocious novellas. IT TOTALLY LET US HAVE TRAINS. THEN COMPUTERS!’ Nature: ‘Ha. Ha. Yeah, well, actually, I was saving all that up to make diamonds. Now I’m going to destroy all your coral and bananas.’

We are fighting to save something that clearly hates us. I won’t deny that I read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road believing it was actually a historical document sent back in time. But I still see my glass as half full. Half full with a view that if I don’t drink it up, it will quickly evaporate. Go check out the glaciers while you can—live life exactly as you choose until shit gets properly Road-y, or bananas hit $50/kg. I support the carbon tax because I want to see Andrew Bolt have a heart attack. I support it despite Julia Gillard desperately needing to be told ‘Clean Energy Future’ is no more likely to happen than ‘fetch’. Sure, a little pause on nature’s erratic mood-swings would be super. By 2050, Blue Ivy Carter will be engulfed in a glorious midcareer crisis, replete with titanium bodices, music made from light and shoes from live crustaceans. I don’t want to miss that, but I’m not in this for the long haul. Stop worrying about what your grandchildren will think of the world we leave them. What do you want to do with the world we have now? So long as we can send out a capsule with peanut butter, vibrators and the first season of Community, what does it matter if the planet survives? We’ve used what it’s given us, and it’s treated us with disdain for doing so. In the grand scheme of things, we’re the impurity trying to make acne from Jessica Simpson’s pore. If we don’t ruin Mother Nature, then she wins. *Either for potential offspring or in your own incontinent dotage.

& ANSWERS

Questions My Messy Bedroom.

BEC JONES TALKS WITH JAMIE-MAREE, AN ARTS STUDENT WHO MAKES JEWELLERY

NATALIE DINEY

’ve finally hit double digits—not my age, that would be awkward—but my number of sex partners. Yep, I’ve finally reached the big 1-0, any more lush lovers and I won’t be able to count them on my fingers. According to studies the average Australian woman will only have thirteen sexual partners in her lifetime: in her entire lifetime. In that case, I’m verging on being completely screwed—pun intended. Mr One-Oh was a real accomplishment for more than the obvious reason. Not only did he push me into the realms of toe tallying but our risqué rendezvous ended six years of flirtation; that’s right, I’d officially been lusting over this intoxicatingly moody man since I was fourteen years old. Granted his four years seniority made any canoodling illegal at my crush’s conception, but you must admit— that’s a fairly impressive play. The showdown came at a mutual friend’s birthday. I walked in to see him leaning against a wall; tall, dark, handsome and insufferably coy. We hadn’t seen each other in months but it mattered not. Our eyes met across the room, a smile tweaked the corner of his mouth, he strode towards me, white shirt billowing open, swooped me up into his arms and pressed his lips to mine.. Sorry, I’m not concussed; I’ve just been reading Mills & Boon again – although the side effects are similar. More realistically: he drunkenly flirted with me all night, followed me to the bathroom about 2am, kissed me on my forehead (my fucking forehead what am I? Four years old?) which is about the time I got bored and

slammed him against the wall before proceeding to kiss him the way I wanted to be kissed. As our many friends drifted off home or passed out uncomfortably in corners, we slinked into the spare room. He told me to lose the shirt; I decided to lose the pants as well. The sex was fairly vanilla, but that’s not to say it wasn’t hot. In fact it was so satisfying that I proceeded to make an unprecedented amount of noise to express my delight. Mr One-Oh had to hold his hand over my mouth at one point to stifle my enthusiasm, something I found more titillating than taxing. However our lusty liaison was marred by one disconcerting factor: no condom. I have slept with ten different people over the past four years and I’m no idiot, I always use protection. HIV, AIDs, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Chlamydia; the list goes on. Having unprotected sex with someone whose sexual history you know nothing about is the 21st century equivalent of Russian roulette. The ramifications of my actions didn’t hit me till morning. I was on the pill so any baby making bumble was bust, but fear still lingered in my loins. When it comes down to it there is only one thing to do when you’ve made a sexy slip up: pull yourself together and get a full sexual health check up as soon as possible - which is exactly what I did. Luckily I was given the green light in a matter of weeks and my whoopee whoopsy can be forgiven, if not forgotten, and I can go back to being the saucy minx that I am. Ten down, three to go. FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

hen Jamie-maree Shipton recalls her childhood, lavender comes to mind. A wafting scent that enchants a child’s curiosity. An alluring purple mist. It’s one that has stayed with her since she first discovered a world of scented “spelly shops,” as she likes to call them. Inside, baskets brimming with precious stones. “As a little girl, I wasn’t really like a princess,” she explains. “I was more of a witchy, spiritual fairy. I just wanted to surround myself with these stones.” Now as the creator of Air To My Earth, Jamie-maree’s childhood fascination has taken a new direction. Officially launched in June last year, Air To My Earth has channelled Jamie-maree’s crystal collections into a unique and earthly jewellery range. It began in her Primary School days, when she would trek to Collectors Corner after school and return home with an iridescent amethyst or fiery agate. “I’d dream up these crazy things that I wanted to make [with them],” she says. So today Jamie-maree’s favourite quartz hangs delicately around her neck on a silver chain, attached with a simple brass clasp. On days when she feels less placid, the modest necklace is replaced with a bold choker. “I’m a moody dresser and I’m a moody creator,” admits Jamie-maree. “My emotions translate heavily into what I’m doing and my jewellery progresses in the same way.” Much of Jamie-maree’s mantra is reflective of her mother’s artistic abilities. “She always had a million projects on the go,” she remembers, “it can’t not rub off.” Yet it was her mum’s encouragement that meant the most. “She was always like... if you feel any kind of emotion use your hands and paint it out... or just sit there and make something.” Ever since, Jamie-maree would channel any excess emotion into scribbling, drawing and creating. “That’s just how my mind works,” she says. Between sips of lychee iced tea, Jamie-maree considers how creating jewellery makes her feel. She concludes, “It’s the breath to my body… It’s my creative soul, without it I wouldn’t have the earth.” She pauses. A tram rattles past on the street below. “I’d feel like something was missing,” she eventually declares, and it becomes apparent as to how she settled on a name for the collection. With her blog and recently launched Etsy store,

The Bedroom Scholar EEVA ARMAND Jamie-maree hopes to take her creations to those who appreciate handmade quality. “It’s definitely not for everyone,” she concedes. “It’s different, it’s earthly and raw.” She doesn’t care much for places like Tiffany’s and their “big symbol and status,” she says, with with slight distaste. It’s clear that Jamie-maree’s collection is more than an accessory. “An Air To My Earth pendant is healthy for the soul,” she states in a recent blog post. A willing smile forms at Jamie-maree’s lips as she elaborates, her hands darting passionately, “You’re wearing something that can essentially help calm you, protect you [and] heal you really close to your heart and your soul.” As the chain of her pendant weaves through her fingers, Jamie-maree explains that this part of jewellery making holds particular value for her. “I’ll be lying awake in bed... stressing over something [and] I can flip it and just be like, alright, well what can I make, I’ve got this stone”. She continues, “Just the process of using your hands… you’re kind of leaving everything else behind”. She feels it is particularly therapeutic and a distraction from her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And when the finished product sits around your neck, or elegantly on a finger, Jamie-maree believes it channels a healthy presence. Much of this has to do with the natural elements of her jewellery. Apart from the sourcing of gems from online producers and occasional visits back to Collectors Corner, Jamie-maree grows her own “kooky crystals”. Initially her creations were light and delicate, “But now I’m a bit more obnoxious and they’re getting bigger,” she laughs. ”That’s why I’m enjoying what I’m making,” she continues, “it’s a completely natural formed creation… no one else can buy one identical.” It’s been a long time since that first discovery of lavender-scented spelly shops. Still, Jamie-maree’s selfdescribed “creative soul” continues to experiment with new possibilities. “I don’t really care if my things sell or not, I’ll keep doing it regardless”, she says. She pauses to consider the future for Air To My Earth. “That’s kind of your outlet”, she decides, clutching her quartz, “to wear some crazy crystal that you bought from some moody creator that babbled on about how it’s going to help heal your soul.” Jamie-maree’s blog: airtomyearth.blogspot.com

oday, sexual reproduction is a titillating and at least a mildly taboo subject for most people. However, at its inception it was the revolutionary beginning of evolution and was far superior to the more simple asexual reproduction utilised by less advanced species. This change enabled a species to become modified over time in order to better compete for the planet’s resources. The evolutionary path the human race has taken to become the species it is today is an interesting one. We have progressed well beyond our early monkey form to complex sentient beings that are perhaps not as concerned with fitness as we once were. One of the more fascinating points in our evolution was the time in which the human race and Neanderthals interacted. Did we mate with Neanderthals all those millions of years ago, or did we drive them to extinction? Genetic studies of the human versus Neanderthal genes have all but confirmed that we did indeed interbreed, and benefited from it. Our immune system was strengthened by these raunchy encounters with these ‘other’ humans and so was the fitness of our species. The why and how of this interbreeding is a mystery. Perhaps it was an attraction to these other, novel looking people. Neanderthals had a variant of the MC1R gene, which suggests they possessed red or blonde hair and fair skin. For this reason it’s been argued that their species’ demise could have been accelerated by their inability to protect themselves against UV rays and therefore skin cancer. This of course has the flip side that they

would have fared better in low UV areas than others due to increased vitamin D absorption. Interestingly the Neanderthal version of the MC1R gene isn’t found in humans today so perhaps the similar fair skin found in our species is just a product of some of our kind developing in certain similar climates. Jean M. Auel, author of the fictional The Clan of the Cave Bear, has a (fairly well researched) perspective on how we, and our Neanderthal relatives, interacted in that time. She postulates that Neanderthals only copulated with humans through rape. This suggests a desire for power rather than any sexual attraction. Although this seems like a valid argument, Auel would also have us believe that sex roles in human societies back then were almost entirely equal (contrasting all recorded history). She also lavishes all her sex scenes with pornographic detail – yet these are probably not all that inaccurate. Human beings tend to vary greatly in our sexual roles; we can diverge from the expected universal concept that males are promiscuous and females loyal in their partners. Humans have great symbols of reproductive ability, the largest penises and breasts of any of the primates. Yet beneath our seemingly shallow sex-obsessed culture, there comes much thought that transcends our base function of procreation. Today ideas of contraception and conservation abound. Not only do we strive to keep our own species alive though population limitation, but we seek to preserve the multitude of species that share our planet.

A YEAR IN BEERS 12 FANCY BEERS UNDER $7 BY GARRY JOHAL

JANUARY

MAY

Sol Lager (Mexico) - $6.49 (940ml)

Brewdog Punk IPA (Scotland) $4.50 (330ml)

January’s a scorcher. It’s no time for complicated, cloudy beers—what you need is something utterly refreshing. Enter Sol Lager from Mexico. Unpretentious, crisp and clean, it’s perfect for those searing afternoons. Budget alternative: Tsing Tao (China) $4.99 (640ml) FEBRUARY Wells Banana Bread Beer (England) $6.89 (500ml) Celebrate the sunshine with a cheeky twist to a classic English ale. With Fair Trade Certified bananas added to the mash, this beer is bursting with banana goodness. It’s no gimmick though. One sip confirms the complex, clean finish only a real English ale delivers. Budget alternative: Rogers Beer (W.A) $3.60 (330ml) MARCH Weihenstephan Hefe Weissbier - $5.89 (500ml) A cloudy month calls for a cloudy beer. Hefe Weissbier refers to a traditional, unfiltered wheat beer. This one pours with a thick, pillowy head and the classic wheat beer aroma of cloves and banana is nice and strong. Budget alternative: Franziskaner Hefe Weissbier (Germany) - $4.99 (500ml) APRIL Chimay Triple (Belgium) - $6.99 (330ml) You haven’t tasted beer till you’ve had a Trappist beer. Brewed in monasteries by monks, Chimay is one of only 7 Trappist breweries worldwide. A great tasting beer with a complex mix of fruit, bitterness and a hint of spice.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Don’t be afraid of the India Pale Ale. It’s just a more bitter, alcoholic version of regular ale. The great thing about Punk IPA is that although it’s very bitter, it’s also balanced out by malty sweetness. Cuts through blue cheese and puts out the fire of spicy food. JUNE Budvar Dark Lager (Czech Republic) $4.99 (500ml) The first winter month is a little dark and a little cold, much like a Budvar Dark. With a taste reminiscent of roasted coffee and caramel, this beer has the effervescence and levity of a lager, without the syrupy, roasted notes of a fullfledged stout. Budget alternative: Coopers Dark Ale (South Australia) - $3.40 (375ml) JULY Grand Ridge Moonshine Dark Scotch Ale (Victoria) - $6.99 (330ml) To be sipped warm, this dark scotch ale weighs in at a hefty 8.5% alcohol by volume. Best enjoyed in front of a warm fireplace after dinner, this sweet, full-bodied beer has notes of burnt malt and caramel—the perfect antidote to the coldest month of the year. AUGUST Sinha Stout (Sri Lanka) - $4.50 (330ml) Sinha, meaning ‘lion’, is what a real stout should be—big, black and bold. With strong roasted coffee and chocolate flavours, it finishes with a slight sweetness. Ideal for coffee enthusiasts. Budget alternative: Coopers Extra Stout (South Australia – $3.60 (375ml)

SEPTEMBER Schneider Weisse (Germany) Spring! Sunshine! Flowers! Schneider Weisse! The colour of sunshine, this is another great wheat beer from Germany. It’s very fruity, with notes of vanilla, banana and bubble-gum, and has a full, creamy-mouth feel. OCTOBER Knappstein Reserve Lager (South Australia) - $4.60 (300ml) Once Spring has truly sprung, it’s time to bust out the Knappstein. Designed by winemakers, this beer has a lovely passion fruit aroma and tastes much like a wine – fruity and delicately balanced. NOVEMBER Bombardier Ale (England) - $6.99 (500ml) Another classic ale from England, Bombardier pours a deep copper red. It has notes of honey and bitter hops but is essentially a very malty, nutty beer. Easy to drink and very satisfying. DECEMBER Karlovacko (Croatia) - $3.60 (330ml) Summer is officially in swing and there’s nothing better than a good old-fashioned pilsner. Karlovacko is a great example of this – fullbodied and crisp, with just the right amount of bitterness. It’s bright, bubbly and refreshing. Budget alternative: Chang Lager (Thailand) - $2.99 (330ml)

James Whitmore Other Animals

JAMES WHITMORE

elbourne’s Royal Botanic Gardens, an oasis in the city. Their gentle lawns and stately oaks provide respite from crowded streets, and drab native foliage. Tidy trees fringe ponds alive with game. So imagine the consternation of evening strollers ambling amongst the camellias, when rowdy crowds of natives descended upon this jewel in the crown. It was 1986, and greyheaded flying--foxes, their homelands encroached upon by farming and forestry, found the Gardens to be a kind of heaven. The large, luxurious trees of the Botanic Garden, able to support the whole camp, recreated to perfection their preferred habitat. Large bats such as flying-foxes, known to the zoologically minded by the rather nightmarish term ‘megabats’, use such trees for their daytime siestas. At a specific moment each evening, every bat flies the roost and descends upon the suburbs in search of pollen, nectar and fruit. In contrast with the noise of the colony, they become silent as drones, swooping low amongst the suburban buildings and gardens. Unlike the smaller ‘microbats’, flying-foxes do not use echolocation to find food, but rely on night-vision eyesight to seek their prey. Highly social creatures, in winter the bats amiably segregate themselves into males and females. An egalitarian quiet descends upon the camp, with same-sex mutual grooming being the preferred interaction. In summer, however, the colony reverts to its most basic nature. Males aggressively defend territories for the possession of a harem. In the centre of the tree, in a throne of branches, is the most dominant male. In autumn the males receive their just reward for gruelling

summer months of defending a household. How does a female that spends most of her life upside down hanging from a branch perform her more delicate duties? It is a brief affair, accompanied by a cacophony of shrieks. The male, himself the wrong way up, holds the female from behind with his leathery wings and, at last, achieves his purpose. The Botanic Gardens were not to last as the bat’s royal residence. The historically significant and heritage-listed trees were under siege; their tops stripped of leaves, their boughs straining under the weight of freeloaders. The bats would have to go. Culling was proposed, but certain anarchic sects of society threatened to martyr the garden trees in return. A preferred site was found by the riverside mansions, where the Yarra meanders through red gums and golf courses; a more respectable home for the colony. For residents, however, it was rather like having a slum or a commission flat at the end of one’s street. To get a colony of eight thousand bats to shift camp required the locals come together to defend their trees. A little encouragement was provided in the form of loudspeakers, whipper-snippers, and a chainsaw, as noise was the best way to clear the camp. In the end it was a predatory hissing that sent the bats on their way. The bats, however, had a mind of their own. Two thousand bats set off for new horizons across the bay, exploring the the outskirts of Geelong. Two hundred bats disappeared off the face of the earth in the remote colony of Warrnambool. The remainder, as wild creatures are wont, didn’t quite make it to their carefully chosen site. Instead, they set up just down the road, where they remain to this day.

OMG, IT’S O-WEEK SURVIVING FIRST YEAR BY SARINA MURRAY

he first thing to strike me was the clichés. The socialists and the women who wouldn’t spell the word with an ‘e’. At the start of the day I was drawn into a fight with one of the former. ‘Do you consider yourself left wing?’ ‘I judge things on an issue-byissue basis but by and large lean left.’ ‘EVERYTHINGISCONNECTEDOPPRESSIONOPPRESSIONPETITION.’ At the end of the day, I overcame the dragonflies in my stomach and visited the vagina-motifed room of the latter. After all, I’d already signed up for every newsletter, had my photo taken for a t-shirt that would bear my likeness and been so overwhelmed by the Rowden White’s graphic novel collection that I gave myself a nosebleed. ‘I think we should hug,’ said Eden as we bid adieu several hours later. One of the many people I met that day whom I still consider a friend, she made me realise no one knew I had been my high school’s social flame retardant. As far as they knew, I was the most colourful social butterfly to ever emerge from a charisma cocoon. My demeanour was a conscious decision. My flatmate had been hospitalised with glandular fever; my apartment still bore more full boxes than furniture; my idea of dinner was a cob of corn, and I’d broken down in Target the day before over the choice of bed sheets. Parkville was a welcome new planet, and I’d make the most of my oxygen stores. Don’t skip O-Week because you presume it will be a piss-up; doubt the usefulness of academic advice seminars or already have friends going to the university. Get involved. With 50,000 students, there is something for everyone. Sit next to the most interesting looking person in your lectures. The people in bandanas and mesh are usually the most eager to make friends. In first year, your subjects will probably be some variation on ‘introduction to’, and be almost universally awful.

Don’t be discouraged, just embrace the resulting grade-related nonchalance. Use the time you’re not spending in classes or libraries on South Lawn, solidifying bonds of chumhood. You worked hard to get here. This, not Lectopia, is why. Dress up as a wizard and gallivant around Hogwarts Quad; write odes to gourmet burger chains, and exploit your proximity to $6 Mondays at the Nova. I continue to be intimidated by virtually every new person I meet. If they’re louder than me, or quieter; if they can ride a bike or wear white for a whole day without covering themselves in tomato sauce. It’s all terrifying. But it’s the people who didn’t make an effort at this point complaining in third year that university is alienating. Jump in—if you can’t swim, a world champion swimmer might fish you out. No, really, I met her while buying never-opened textbooks during Week 1. She studies international relations. I told her I’d won a Sudoku championship, which is way cooler than her world records.

ILLUSTRATION: ELLA DYSON

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED ANONYMOUSLY IN FARRAGO ON MARCH 1ST 1974, WE REPRINT IT AS AN ALTERNATE TAKE ON MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY THAT’S AS RELAVANT TODAY AS THEN:

HOLLOW LAUGHTER. This article is printed here in attempt to communicate some idea of the loneliness that this place can generate. It is written by Virginia Adrian, a first year Arts student last year who has left after the University failed to live up to her toooptimistic expectations. I watch this boy in the train. Oblivious to curious glances and jostling commuters he is reading his O’Week Handbook seriously industriously. He has reached the Ultimate Goal Society has set for young people…he’s IN. What will become of him? Will he enjoy himself? Study hard? Succeed? Fail? DROP-OUT??? He tries hard to be the Student Intellectual. It is virtually a step from child to adult. Instant maturity is demanded of him. He is required by his peers to be the Cool Intellectual, fighting (?) for a more enlightened tomorrow. Perhaps he will work hard perhaps he won’t. Just because you work hard doesn’t mean you’re a society dropout, a killjoy or a real life dag. And even if you don’t do a scrap of work, you still may never enjoy yourself. “You get out of University what you put in”. This is true, but what if you are too shy and lonely to put anything in. You need friends to share your hardships. One has to be very outgoing indeed to be able to join a group of complete strangers and start talking and laughing with them straight away. “We are the Elite. We made it. We are the Super Intellectuals. All those ridiculous little people so futilely running and shouting outside. How useless they are. We are the ones who will recreate the world”. Certain members of the University community seem to think that the University is the only place where Intellectuals of today gather. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can sit in your backyard, reading and writing material, examining all material you come into contact with in a critical fashion. Don’t think that you can’t be an Intellectual unless you come here, because you can. The University is provided for people to learn more. It should widen their interests and help them to have a better understanding of the world, and the behaviour of people who inhabit it. It should encourage people to think about everything, to examine all matters with a critical, open and enquiring mind. The student may drown himself in the murky and unenlightened drain of concentration formal study. Or he may be forced into a certain attitude which pervades the University a reaction of cynicism to everything, combined with the Joe Cool image and hollow laughter. “God, who’s gonna work? I mean, who does work round here anyway?” Everybody is so busy doing their own thing they don’t have much time for others welfare. Older students seem to

look down on you, talk down to you (if indeed they deign to speak at all). Their conversation tends to be condescending or cynically witty instead of helpful. It is hard to get the feeling of the place. So large so many people. Concrete, bricks, acres of windows, flashing. People hurrying here and there like gaudy outspoken ants. The work is harder, and in a different form to what most people are used to. The spoon feeding by the teachers who tried to get you A’s in H.S.S. does little for your initiative and self-reliance. Suddenly there are complicated essays, studies, books to read. Books!! You get lost in the library wandering through an endless maze of drab shelves seeking out one particular book which is also wanted by about 50 other students. You stroll into the crowded caf., trying to appear nonchalant but underneath feeling that all eyes are upon you, prying under your exterior, dissecting every movement or gesture you make. You eat your food in silence, eyes glued on your plate, letting the roar of conversation and clattering of plates drown out your dark feelings of loneliness and depression. How you wish someone would talk to you; just a smile make you feel more wanted. Leaving the University was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I’ve matured so much this past year. I have had to come to terms with myself, to stop living in an idealistic dream, to work out whether the University was the best place for me. If I was still at the Great Place I’d probably be struggling still in an inner turmoil of struggling friendships, doubts, boredom, and most important of all, striving for identity impossible in the Intellectual Maze. I was lonely. People were unfriendly in the main. A lot of first years had a tendency to stick in groups of school friends. The work was boring and I found it hard. I was disillusioned. You feel weighed down by others greater intelligence. Like many others, I thought the University would be a great stack, lots of friends, laughing and loving and very little hard work. A time of Enlightenment, becoming the New Adult, the Intellectual. Somehow, I never quite made it. Will you???

PROFILE MUSIC TO WATCH FOR WITH THOMAS ABILDGAARD

ZOE KINGSLEY TALKS WITH SEAN CASKEY, LEAD SINGER AND GUITARIST OF THE LAST DINOSAURS

“I

Sleigh Bells - Reign Of Terror - 21st February

’m more of a music writer than a lyricist” Sean Caskey confesses halfway through our interview. The lead singer and guitarist of Last Dinosaurs obviously harbors no illusions or elevated misconceptions of himself. However the casual inquiry into the type of guitars he favours releases a torrent of information. Sean doggedly explains the intricate detail of “frequency” within the guitar pick-ups and the desired and idiosyncratic “jangly sound” achieved by his faithful Fender Jaguar, the principle guitar used within the up-coming debut album In a Million Years. The man is obviously in his element when writing and talking from a purely musical perspective. Just like any obsessive musician or band, Last Dinosaurs demand perfection from each collection of work, reaffirmed by the audible groan on the other end of the line, when I ask Caskey to provide a comparison between the 2010 release Back from the Dead and their upcoming album. The distance the Brisbane boys have come are laid down; Caskey adamantly polarizing the two works. The lead singer positions the EP (which spawned the overnight success “Honolulu”) as something very distant and amateur , preferring to focus on the new album, that he believes exudes a greater technicality and purpose. Caskey emphasises that the band has gained a better sense of method and maturity throughout its production, all the while, maintaining the same musical direction, lyricism and philosophy. The sound they were aspiring to in Back from the Dead but have more likely achieved within In A Million Years as illustrated by their singles “Zoom” and “Time and Place”. Caskey attributes part of the band’s maturity in sound to those involved in the producing of the album, from Eliot James (Two Door

Cinema Club, Kaiser Chiefs) who mixed the album to engineer Jean- Paul Fung (Little Red, Bluejuice) whom Caskey likens affectionately to a “real- life anime character”. Fung nurtured the creative needs of Last Dinosaurs preproduction, offering the band a fortnight’s stay at his Central NSW farm - a totally “foreign context” for the “city dwellers”, and a unique opportunity to work intensely in stimulating isolation. The enthusiasm expressed by Sean when describing his recent instrumental purchases, to his delving’s into his own existential approach to song-writing, that is to place distance between yourself and the subject by means of writing in a “fantastical way”, insinuates a possession of engrained musicianship, an admirable and deserved trait shared by others in the band. Caskey disapproves of the whimsical approach to music established by the lowfi movement. The Last Dinosaurs’ various backgrounds in jazz provide a discipline and deeper understanding of musical structure, and according to Caskey laziness in craftsmanship is not tolerated. This dedication will serve Last Dinosaurs well, and keep their heads above the “camaraderie and competition” stemming from Brisbane’s underrated music scene, where licensing laws have closed venues but have kept the homemade recording studios and garage band practices open and running well into the night. After doing the hard yards, it seems Last Dinosaurs will surely reap the rewards, with their pursuit of “timeless music” already producing an impressive layering behind their indie pop. Last Dinosaurs launch their album In A Million Years at the Toff on 28 February.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Described by the band as the “sonic equivalent of a beautiful shotgun to the head”, Derek Miller and Alexis Krauss put out an enjoyable, yet repetitive, noise-pop debut in 2010. Expect good things. School Of Seven Bells - Ghostory 28th February Having previously covered Siouxsie and the Banshees’ Kiss them for me, School Of Seven Bells have endeared themselves to me, despite being Pitchfork acclaimed, which is quite often a black mark against a name. Kaiser Chiefs - Start The Revolution Without Me - 6th March They’ve always been a third tier band, but they’re always quite good fun. Even if they never get near to I Predict A Riot, it should still be tasty like a burnt marshmallow for a couple of weeks at least. Simple pleasures, eh? Magnetic Fields - Love At The Bottom Of The Sea - 6th March Stephen Merritt is always interesting, even at his most self-indulgent. I have no idea what to expect after the band’s previous ‘no synth trilogy’, apart from maybe to expect some cheeky little synths. None of that Cut Copy rot though. The Shins - Port Of Morrow - 20th March Their first album in five years? What to expect? Most of the time (look at the Strokes) I could call nonsense, but Mercer has always been a fair bet.

REVIEWS

BY THOMAS ABILDGAARD

have managed—until now—to steer clear of miss pouty face Lana Del Rey, and really, I don’t see what the fuss is about. Sure, she might be some kind of clean skinned, allegedly botox lipped Ke$sha for girls who wear floral print grandma dresses in the place of nikes and all that other rot, but the music really isn’t that bad… Apart from the now infamous SNL performance, which was great if you like watching an insipid girl-child bat her eyelashes, and sing like she swallowed a whole bottle of her Mam’s Ambien and swirled it down with some Rohypnol. I’ll take that back immediately, every track on the album melds into one big congealed mess of immature, pseudo-emotional, patronising nonsense. Lyrical content: Vapid, heart sick girl longing for a flawed Byron-esque man to come pleasure her, despite the fact that he is a douche with a black heart. Surely most girls old enough to have fortified their loins can see through this

outdated man-centric nonsense. Perhaps I’m just being generous, seeing as Lana doesn’t seem capable of defining herself beyond the whims of whoever is at the helm of production duties or as a separate entity from whatever smackhead shit kicker she happens to be dating at the time. Now, that Video Games song is by no means terrible, it manages to evoke that horrible situation of being all too rich and not knowing what to do now, somehow without feeling too conceited. The problem arises in the fact that every other song seems to be modelled on that one winning formula production and all. Normally I wouldn’t condone dissection of an artist’s character and background, but really… Lana Del Rey should not be in the position to be recording major label albums. Through some pig-dick clever promotion she has effectively sidestepped the hard yards and experimentation that is essential to forming an actual musical character. She has a daddy with deep pockets— that helps more than you might think. Just saying.

SHARON VAN ETTEN

2 BEARS

TRAMP

BE STRONG

Eh. Mayhaps I’m missing some stroke of personal genius here or something, but I doubt it. This sounds like the album Little Scream would have released last year, if Laura Sprenglmeyer was a hack who didn’t really have anything interesting to do with a whole batch of songs about vague, half understood feelings. There is so much of this trite garbage out there already that even Chris Farley couldn’t eat it all without splitting a seam (with hilarious consequences!). Don’t bore me lady.

Joe Goddard from Hot Chip and some other bloke I’ve never heard of have teamed up to put out this little dance-pop side-project called 2 Bears. I really wish it was a furries thing. Now that we have that out of the way: This is a really enjoyable, albeit incredibly lightweight, offering that recalls so many great genres of dance music that I can’t be bothered listing. It manages to avoid pastiche and effectively re-contextualises those tired sounds. Be Strong makes no apologies about being a silly romp— simply two guys making fun dance music to dance around to like Cher on PCP.

GOTYE

GUIDED BY VOICES LET’S GO EAT THE FACTORY

MAKING MIRRORS So…. A white dude with an irritating and mechanical voice, plying poor-man’s Motown homage with some funk and dub references, that’s a thing now. I think I might be alone here, but Goyte has never struck me as being anything more than a brain dead, used car salesman of tunes more than willing to spew facile faux-motional lyrics like “Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy you could die”. That is garbage Wally, sheer garbage. And for a hit single Somebody That I Used To Know doesn’t really go anywhere, it just ends with a puff of dusty disappointment like He-Man’s sole attempt at heterosexual intercourse (he’s too into Battle Cat). Also…it sounds pretty much like the last one, and I prefer to buy albums once.

Lo-Fi to the core, Robert Pollard & Co. have put together another diamond. The songwriting is as masterful as the Biker Mice were awesome - If you are of a certain age you may remember a particular promotional campaign featuring green Rice Bubbles. Their penchant for brevity plays close to my heart —most songs barely topping two minutes—and never out-stay their welcome, like Eddie Murphy’s career has seemingly several times now. Not nearly as sublime a listen as Alien Lanes or Bee thousand, but Let’s Go Eat the Factory provides it’s own joys within the classic mould.

FESTIVALS

TIME TO GET YOUR VOLLIE ON

PHOTOS BY ED GORWELL (From Meredith & the German festival Melt)

BY TESS WILDEN

e’re the kind of people who tear the $30 slab coupons out of Wednesday’s Herald Sun. We choose downloads over hard copies, and shop at op-shops and DFO so we can still have those shoes and put away a healthy chunk of last week’s pay check. No, we’re not paying off a HECS debt. Not funding antisocial habits either; quite the opposite, really. We’re saving because, glowing faintly in the distance, there is the promise of summer music festivals. And we’re right to do so. A Falls Festival four-day ticket costs a cool $410. To camp at Splendour in 2011 would have set you back $523.60. That’s about 175 coffees you’d have to do without. Given that in order to work, study and have a social life there’s really no time left to sleep, forgoing caffeine is not an option. So. As a sensible, discerning student— what are the options? Scrimp and save? Walk instead of drive? Reacquaint yourself with eBay and try to get a profit on the dusty Fender dad lent you? There’s a better way. You put your hand up to volunteer, and for only 15 hours of work over a whole week, you can be at Falls with the best of them, your yellow Vollies wristband a constant reminder of the fact that you’re probably $400 better off than everyone else. Apply at their website, ace your job interview,

and show up on December 27th without paying a cent. Yes please. Sure, you’ve got to work. Three five-hour shifts might seem a drag when everyone else is out to play. Sometimes though, you get lucky. Sure, being a bus stop monitor would suck. Being at the gate-check at Arena Entrance Three, however, does not. Five hours of shaking bottles to make sure they are actually water, checking the ID of some performer and their manager who’ve lost their AAA passes, and making small-talk with over-excited punters goes by in no time—made even better by the perfect view of the main stage. You even get fed on the job. After work I’d get back to my friend’s tent with a couple of cans of V—or beer tokens if the manager was feeling generous—make a quick change, then get right back in on the festival action. Working 10am till 3pm meant a bit of a snooze, a free meal, plenty of shade in the 35 degree heat, and not missing out on a thing. At the tent, I’d find my friends in pretty much the same place I’d left them, chilling out with gin and vitawheats (not the best combination, really), saving their energy for the evening. Yep, their tent, not mine. The Vollies campsite is a 20 minute walk from the main arena. Other members of the crew are always keen for a chat and a joke, though, and by the time you get back to the site, you’ve got

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

“You put your hand up to volunteer, and for only 15 hours of work over a whole week, you can be at Falls with the best of them, your yellow Vollies wristband a constant reminder of the fact that you’re probably $400 better off than the rest of the kids you’re surrounded by. yourself three new buddies and an invitation to their tent for a couple of cold ones before that night’s act. The highlights of my Falls experience came from the site—sitting around a fire at 3am, hot showers, hot coffee, breakfast provided. No need to point out that the paying guests didn’t get any of the above. Over a chat about a vodka-filled water-pistol I made new friends, who then taught me to tightrope walk. Better yet, one of them was working on carcheck and had requisitioned a couple of casks of Cranberry and Smirnoff. Volunteers work hard. You come back at the end of the week and sleep most of the next day; but you sleep well, with the knowledge that you achieved something. You saved yourself a packet. You watched the Arctic Monkeys bring in the New Year. And hell, you learnt to tightrope walk.

TILTING AT PYRAMIDS BY MATT NIELSON

Some friends had a late night DJ slot on the first night of Pyramid Rock Music Festival. Matt Nielson decided to tag along on a free ticket, “for a laugh”. This is what happened. December 30th, 2011, 3:30pm – I meet my festival companions at a house in Melbourne. Pyramid takes place on Phillip Island over New Year’s and has been described to me as “like the penguin parade except with bogans instead of penguins”. We resolve to make the trip anyway. After scanning the uninspired lineup, and with my “performer’s pass” friends having a very late set, we also resolve to relax in the pool and arrive later. 7:00pm – Still lounging on a floating couch. Our Pyramid ETA is 10pm, in time to see hip-hop pioneer Grandmaster Flash. 9:00pm – Feeling somewhat out of place in Fountain Gate. Relying on iPhones, Google Maps and 3G signal was a critical error. We get burgers and hope Grandmaster Flash will forgive us. 11:00pm – We pass the penguin traffic and finally enter the festival grounds. A friend of a friend spots us as we drive in and forces everyone to take shots of whiskey through the car window. I suspect we’ll need more than that to survive.

11:30pm – Wandering around the festival. Attendance is sparse, whether due to the crowded festival schedule, the forgettable lineup or something more sinister. There’s an eerie mood in the air, like everyone is angry with themselves for deciding to come here. We watch Yacht Club DJs for a bit. Their modus operandi is to play about twelve songs at the same time. I’m not mentally ready for this. December 31st, 2011, 12:10am – From the VIP bar, I watch the Living End play “Prisoner of Society” for the sixth time in my life. A woman comes up to me, twists my cap around on my head and walks away, wordlessly. I find an almost-full pouch of tobacco on the ground and don’t yet realize that this will be the highlight of the evening. I don’t even smoke. 12:30am – We walk past a sleeping security guard to get into the backstage area. A guy with a headset on walks up and asks who we are. We flash VIP wristbands but he replies that he’ll have to ask us to leave. There’s a concerned, confused silence before he bursts out laughing, tells us he’s just joking and that our trailer will be ready later on. I worry about a festival where the stage manager is obviously stoned, but I don’t say anything. 12:45am – We retreat to the car to regroup and listen to some music that doesn’t make me want to bash my head against a portaloo. We feel sheepish until we notice the person playing games on their laptop in the car next to us.

1:20am – Spank Rock play to a shamefully small crowd. One song features the repeated chorus “Black girls shake it til my dick get racist”. I spend a lot of time thinking about what that really means. 2:20am – Backstage at a festival after midnight, everyone is a friend. I chat with some guys who don’t rate Pyramid highly because “there’s not enough crazy chicks”. They speak glowingly of Meredith Music Festival where they saw “heaps of tits”. They even provide pictorial evidence on their phones, of one “chick” who “did not give a fuck”. One of them asks me which trailer is theirs. I don’t know. He passes out, flat on his face. 2:50am – Out amongst the dregs of the crowd. Some guy I knew from high school comes up and starts chatting about his successful new career as a personal trainer and how training as a massage therapist has led to “lots of action”. I calm the ensuing existential crisis by chain-drinking my DJ friends’ rider. 4:30am – We finally make our escape. The rider catches up with me and I slide into a sweet passenger’s seat sleep. I’m not sure where we’re going, but I don’t really care. Anywhere but here.

INTERVIEW

(SAN CISCO)

us from the very beginning when we hadn’t got any songs on the radio yet and were always there willing to support us TJG: We’re taking everything in our stride. For New Years we got to do a headline gig at a beach party and count down for the fireworks. Going to gigs in places we’ve never been to before and see people singing the lyrics is always good and makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside! KC: For people who may not be aware of the bands, how did you first put your lineups together?

KATE CROWHURST CHATS WITH JORDI FROM SAN CISCO AND SAM FROM THE JUNGLE GIANTS

t’s safe to say that San Cisco and The Jungle Giants have several similarities linking their bands together: the age and gender mix of line-ups, kick-ass tracks that will have you dancing round the library or invading the stage and producing tracks worthy of higher places on the Triple J Hottest 100. Both bands formed while their members were in high school (which they have all rather freshly graduated from) and feature female band members in strong music support positions rather than the token female-lead singer featured in most line-ups. Instead of rivalry a comradery was fashioned between the bands when they met on the festival circuit on San Cisco’s first mini tour in Hobart. The band started playing soccer instantly closely followed by a love-song performance battle between Sam and Jordi to win the affections of an after party crowd. The inevitable collision of these bands in a joint national tour kicked off 2012 in style.

Kate Crowhurst: Most pressing news first, what was your reaction to your spot at Number 7 on the Triple J Hottest 100?

Jordi from San Cisco: It wasn’t much of a party because we were recording but we didn’t think that we’d be in it. It’s pretty exciting but we had no idea that was going to happen; we just celebrated by going out, having a couple of beers and then went home because we had to work the next day. KC: Your focus right now is probably on The Politely Awkward Tour which kicked off in Hobart on 12th January. It sold out in Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide and Hobart. How do you feel about the overwhelming response of support from the fans?

SC: That’s crazy. In Perth there are less people who know about us than in Sydney and Melbourne. We came over here and it was a big surprise to sell out those shows a couple of weeks in advance. This is our first national tour and we have a great bunch of guys and girls in The Jungle Giants. Sam from The Jungle Giants: It’s great, we’re so happy to be a part of this tour. It’s a good experience to play to big crowds and each of those shows sold out on pre-sale alone so that just means people were keen to get the tickets quickly which is a good sign for future tours. We’re going everywhere, every capital city and regional areas too. KC: You are both young bands enjoying success. What have been your career highlights so far?

SC: The Hottest 100 placing was pretty big. Our first mini tour over here was pretty awesome as sold out all over and we had a good turnout for festivals. We’re pretty fortunate to be doing that straight out of school. Our label were a big help, they have put a lot of faith in

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

SC: I was playing solo shows and started playing with Josh (guitar) who was a friend from school. I also started playing with Scarlett (drums) and brought everyone together and then we found a bassist in Nick. JTG: In school we knew each other and all played in different bands which came together. When I graduated I used to play acoustic singer-songwriter shows and got songs together while others were in school. I was a grade above the others so I worked two jobs to save money so when they graduated we had enough to record our first EP and start touring. KC: Are you working on new material at the moment?

SC: We’re actually in the studio recording another EP or album now. The second ‘Awkward’ EP out now was a lot easier to put together because the first EP had songs a lot older on it. When we were putting together the first EP we had the songs ready so this second EP has got the songs on it we enjoy a lot more. The second EP has a song Rocketship which was influenced by Angus and Julia Stone but this is nothing like what we listen to now. TJG: We did the first EP as a demo and recorded it with the hope of getting a gig. It’s good on the live front but is good for airplay as well as live shows. The main release ‘Mr Polite’ is a funny song to play because it sounds fun but to play it is as just as much fun. We’ve just finished an EP in the studio and trying and testing a few songs while we play. Being locked inside a studio is a good rehearsal to pick apart each song and know what we want to change. KC: You brought the tour to Melbourne on February 2nd at the East Brunswick Club. What do you make of the Melbourne crowds?

SC: They’re great. We played at ‘The Toff’ a little while ago which sold out and they like their music which is good. We recorded our second EP here and it’d be good to have as a home as we could bring all our musical gear over here to record but it needs to be closer to the ocean! TJG: We love Melbourne. We played the East Brunswick Club before and the crowd were really lovely. It’s a good experience there and I’m looking forward to going back.

“Ray Lawler’s play is a product of Australian culture—and indeed an important part of the University of Melbourne’s student theatre history.” ~ THE EDS.

PRODUCTION:

Summer Of The Seventeenth Doll

MTC’s Summer of the Seventeenth Doll playing in Sydney 1956 with (L to R) Fenella Maguire, June Jargo, Lloyd Berrell, Ray Lawler and Madge Ryan.

REVIEW BY:

Christopher Fieldus

he Belvoir St Theatre production of Ray Lawler’s Summer of the Seventeenth Doll opened in Melbourne on 12 January, the first MTC presentation of their

2012 season. Written in 1953, The Doll was first staged at the University of Melbourne’s Union Theatre by the Union Theatre Repertory Company—which would later become the Melbourne Theatre Company. Not only is it a play born at the University of Melbourne and a production featuring an impressive cast—but the posters were touting it as “the play that put Australian theatre on the map”. Suffice to say, I was curious, and entered the Playhouse with high expectations. Unlike the friends of mine who had studied the play as part of their high school curriculum, this was my first experience with The Doll. It is a story about two cane cutters, Roo and Barney, who come down to Melbourne to live it up with two barmaids, Olive and Nancy, during their long summer layoff every year—a tradition that has been going for 16 years. The play begins at the start of the seventeenth summer, and is set in Olive’s Carlton terrace house. In the year since their last layoff, Barney’s fling Nancy has married and left the party for a more conventional lifestyle. Meanwhile, Roo is now broke and broken and Olive is trying to retain the summer’s tradition by replacing Nancy with Pearl, a fellow barmaid and widow. It seems the good times are finished. The set of this production reflected the themes of the play perfectly. It comprised

immense walls, a basic kitchen and dining table, a piano, a couch, and one window set into the back wall. The breeze blowing through the window Photo by Jeff Busby gives the audience the sense that the party is over. Decorating the walls and produced contemporarily and it is perhaps furniture are 16 kewpie dolls, the seventeenth this older style is that caused my disconnecof which is added when Roo and Barney arrive. tion with the performance. Approaching the end of the second act, the The strongest characters were Emma Leech kewpie dolls—once a lively addition of colour (Robyn Nevin) and Pearl, both observers of to the room—become a garish reminder of lost the summer—Emma because of her age and youth and a representation of Olive’s inability Pearl because she is a recent addition to the to let go of the past. The sense of age and nosparty. These two women are able to criticise the talgia is exaggerated with the faded pink paint situation, and thus are the ones who force the of the walls dominating the stage. others to grow up and move on with their lives. Though I was impressed with the set, I’ll They are the most rational, and because of admit that I found it really tough to connect their distance from the central plot, were more with the play. At first, I put this down to its appealing to a modern audience—the older melodramatic style. The character of Olive, audience at this matinee seemed to be of a played by Alison Whyte, is prone to outbursts similar mindset, laughing through the seriousof emotion from the beginning. From when ness of the play, and making me feel as if I was she lectures Pearl (Helen Thomson) about constantly missing out on a joke. ‘decency’ in regards to her relationship with Despite these obstacles, the development Roo (Steve Le Marquand)—to her unbelievable of the plot held my attention. The script was reaction at the end to Roo’s marriage proposal. undoubtedly well written, and part of its imporThen there was Bubba (Eloise Winestock), an tance lies in its incorporation of Aussie slang and unbearably chirpy and childish 22-year-old the references to places in Melbourne. neighbour. But by the end of the final act, I Ray Lawler’s play is a product of Auscame to realise that both these characters are tralian culture—and indeed an important trapped seventeen years in the past, desperately part of the University of Melbourne’s student trying to capture the feeling they had that first theatre history. It is a testament to the quality summer when Bubba was just five years old, of theatre that can be produced in our Union and that this is what tempers their behaviour. House, and I hope that the coming year of Written 59 years ago, for me The Doll student theatre strives to live up to the stanfeels as though it belongs to a different era dards set by Lawler. of theatre, quite different in style to what is

REVIEWS PRODUCTION:

Lady Chatterley’s Lover REVIEW BY:

FALLING

Olivia Hennessy

DEAF EARS ILLUSTRATION: RACHELLE MOULIC

PRODUCTION:

Tribes by Nina Raine REVIEW BY:

Clancy Moore

et me be perfectly frank, Tribes is not what I have come to expect from the Melbourne Theatre Company. Over the years I have seen a gluttonous amount of superb plays produced by the MTC, but this one falls surprisingly short of those lofty heights. That is not to say it is an awful production, it’s simply not up to the standard I have come to expect. There’s something about Tribes that makes me think the production crew were in a hurry when they developed it. It seems like a small town play in a big town theatre. It just doesn’t seem to fit. Far from the splendid, polished, and enthralling plays the MTC usually produces, Tribes feels rough and unfinished. The story, as far as I can tell, goes something like this: Dysfunctional family spends a lot of time being dysfunctional. Between their arguments and breakdowns, Billy (Luke Watts), the third child, starts a romance with fellow deaf person Sylvia (Alison Bell). This naturally brings a brief period of family peace to the setting, followed by renewed vehemence. Seems simple enough to follow, but in fact it isn’t. The plot jumps from one emotional climax to the next with such little coherency that it becomes completely devoid of meaningful dynamics. The story is disjointed, undefined and hard to follow (and that is not an ironic reference to the deaf theme… it simply doesn’t make much sense). I admit Raine has attempted to address some intriguing notions regarding people’s communication of subtext vs. context. But this is done in a way that seems so sporadic and rough that the audience is left wondering what it was they were meant to question. Upon the vague and dissatisfying ending the audience whispered inwardly: “Was that it? Do we clap now?” The set and general layout of the stage was

AUSTRALIAN SHAKESPEARE COMPANY

surprisingly bold for the MTC. Bare and with almost no backstage it extended right back to the naked rear wall, creating a sense of size and space that I entirely failed to pick up on reflected anywhere else in the play. The moving set worked smoothly with the inspired lighting plan to shift and warp the audience’s impression of a constantly moving yet eternally stoic family, while the use of wood and a kettle subtly gave a homely feeling. The characters seemed extremely inconsistent, as was the acting at times, making it difficult for the audience to be immersed in the internal struggles being played out before them. The father, played by Brian Lipson, was thoroughly vile, and despite his warped ideals did not change in the slightest throughout the story. The brother Dan was at first a highly interesting and intriguing character, performed mesmerizingly by David Paterson. In the second half he became clichéd and vulgar, an unexplained shift that is present in many other aspects of the plot. Sarah Peirse’s performance of the mother, Beth, was also very good. Convincing and well crafted, she was probably the only consistently believable character in the play. Alison Bell also deserves congratulating, who mimicked the audience’s disbelief at this poor excuse for a family very realistically. This play is rough, no two ways about it. But like all rough theatre is has glimmers of brilliance underneath. Its ideas are bold and original, its stage play colourful and dynamic. It’s generally well performed and designed, but is certainly not the strongest play to be showcased by the MTC in recent months. Tribes is showing at the Sumner Theatre until 14 March.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

et in the inimitable surrounds of Rippon Lea House and Gardens, the Australian Shakespeare Company’s take on Lady Chatterley’s Lover leaves little to the imagination – in more ways than its extensive nudity. Distracting as it was to have an entire theatre company’s genitalia on show, it was more distracting to have every single aspect of the play explained to us by (occasionally naked) narrators. The constant exposition removes all of D. H. Lawrence’s character nuance, inserting speeches from omnipresent nudists during the most poignant scenes. This reduces the main characters to bawdy caricatures: Mrs Bolton (Olivia Connolly) is simply the fussing nurse; Mellors (Jamieson Caldwell) strong, dumb and sex obsessed; and Connie (Hannah Norris) a, whiney neurotic who falls in love with the first man to make her come in a bush. This adaptation gives no evidence of Connie’s intellectualism and physicality, including her initial affair with Michaelis. Instead, the complex novel to devolves into smutty comedy – which just isn’t that funny. The most entertaining part of the play is Mellors’ confused British accent, making a Derbyshire gamekeeper sound like a cross between a member of Westlife and Vladimir Putin. The saving grace of this production is the setting. The surrounds of Ripponlea make a perfect Wragby, and a warm summer night sets a romantic atmosphere for the play. However, the weather is where this production’s romance ends, so if you’ve always dreamed of eating brie and crackers a mere foot away from strangers’ genitals, it’s time to pull out the picnic mat. Lady Chatterley’s Lover is showing at the Rippon Lea House and Gardens until 8 March

THEATRE NEWS

FIVE TIPS

WITH RICHARD GWATKIN

FOR A BETTER AUDITION SAMUEL CHAPPEL 1. Don’t be scared

Theatre in O-Week

For first-time auditionees, a director can be a bit intimidating. They can seem ridiculously selfconfident and too powerful for their own good. But they want you to do well just as much as you do. However, if they truly are pompous gits, maybe think twice about their intentions.

For those of you around during OWeek, check out some of the cool stuff going on around the theatre spaces in Union House. Why not try some hula hooping on the concrete lawns from 12-2pm on Tuesday 21 February? If the outdoors really isn’t your thing, come inside and play the latest releases and old school video games on the cinema screen in the Union Theatre from 124pm the same day. If you just want a look around the theatres, rehearsal rooms and backstage, tours leave from Union Theatre at 1pm on Tuesday 21 and Thursday 23 February.

2. Be prepared If you’re asked to prepare something. Learn it. Know it backwards. Be able to recite it riding a mechanical bull with ten shots of tequila in you! This will assure the director that you can learn things quickly, and it will allow you to adapt and re-interpret it if you’re asked to. 3. Be flexible The key thing to remember is you don’t have to be amazing right off the bat. Just be receptive to what the director asks you and you’re halfway there. If you can demonstrate that you’re capable of taking direction, they’ll know that you can be amazing. Eventually. 4. Be confident A happy smile and easy conversation, even if you think it seems fake, will make the director feel comfortable around you, and make you seem comfortable around them. If they’re on edge, or they feel that you’re on edge, they’ll be far more likely to internally criticise. But don’t get cocky. Nothing turns off a director more than an auditionee who struts around like the part’s already theirs! 5. Go for everything! If you’re truly keen on this acting lark, audition for everything. From pantomime to post-punk surrealism. Experience is the best way to learn. Acting is a bit like sex; natural talent and good genetic gifts help a little. But ultimately, practice makes perfect!

Get involved Interested in getting involved in a production this semester? Consider auditioning for Union House Theatre’s semester one production, The Fury. There are three group audition sessions held in Union Theatre: Wednesday 22 February, 3-4pm Thursday 23 February, 11.30am— 12.30pm and 3-4pm Sign up by emailing Union House Theatre or by visiting their office on the first floor of Union House. If musicals are more your thing, then sign up for an audition for The Who’s Tommy presented by the University of Melbourne Music Theatre Association (UMMTA). An inspirational story of a “deaf, dumb and blind kid (who) sure plays a mean pinball,” featuring music from The Who. Auditions are on: Sunday 26 February, 1-4pm Tuesday 28 February, 6-9pm Thursday 1 March, 6-9pm Saturday 3 March, 1-4pm Bookings are essential and more details can be found at ummta.org Don’t have the time for an entire show? No problem. Come along to the 24 Hour Play Project briefing and find out how you can get involved. Five brand new plays will be written and performed in 24 hours, and performers, writers and backstage crew are all needed. If you’re up to the challenge, the briefing is at 5pm, Thursday 23 February in the Guild Theatre.

If not, you can always come and see the results at 6:30pm the following day, also in the Guild Theatre. Entry is $5 and includes a free drink. If you don’t feel like committing to a show at all, Union House Theatre will be running a series of workshops or master classes. More details can be found at union. unimelb.edu.au/theatre. Be an audience member If you prefer theatre from the comfort of a seat, then here are some productions on early in the semester: The Apartment Presented by Four Walls and a Roof Theatre 21-24 March at 8pm, Guild Theatre Take a voyeuristic ride into the human condition and watch four housemates battle each other, their demons, and the roles they’ve created for themselves as they try to forge an identity. Bookings: www.4wallsandaroof.com.au Chatroom Presented by Periscope Productions 30-31 March at 7.30pm, Guild Theatre Jim, dealing with depression and contemplating suicide, turns to online chatrooms for help. But in a world where anyone can choose who they want to be, who can he trust? Bookings: periscope.prod@gmail.com A Clockwork Orange: A Play with Music Presented by Four-Letter-Word Theatre 19-21, 24, 26-28 April at 7:30pm, Guild Theatre The world we live in is as queer as a clockwork orange! We are an organic entity, full of juice and sweetness and agreeable odour, being turned into an automaton. I viddied what I had to do, and I was cured all right. Bookings: fourletterwordtheatre@ gmail.com Warning: This production contains violence, nudity and coarse language. For any more information on upcoming shows and events, visit union.unimelb.edu.au/theatre

TV * FILM * GAMES

THE YEAR AHEAD

DVDs OF THE MONTH

TOM CLIFT & JAMES MADDEN

film The Rum Diary Johnny Depp stars in this boozed soaked, Puerto Rican-set tale of journalistic intrigue based on a novel by Hunter S. Thompson. March 15.

New HBO series from David Milch (Deadwood) starring Dustin Hoffman and set in the arena of horse racing. Premiered in the US on Jan 29.

The Avengers

Smash

Superhero team up film joins Thor, Iron Man, Captain America and The Hulk. Directed by Buffy creator Joss Whedon. A nerd’s wet dream. May 4.

NBC’s version of Glee featuring a Broadway bound female protagonist. Buzz is strong, unlike the idea. Screens in Australia on Foxtel from February 21 on W channel.

Men in Black III Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones return to fight the alien menace once again…only now it involves time travel. May 24.

Prometheus Alien Director Ridley Scott returns to science fiction after thirty years. Cast looks great, and special effects are sure to dazzle. June 7. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer The title says it all really. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted). June 21.

The Dark Knight Rises The final chapter in director Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy. Features Anne Hathaway and a hulking Tom Hardy as villains Catwoman and Bane. July 19.

The Great Gatsby Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire star in Baz Luhrman’s sumptuous looking adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel. Dec 25.

Luck

Mad Men After a long hiatus, the ultra slick Madison Avenue executives return for a highly anticipated fifth season, airing on March 25 in the US.

Veep Armando Iannucci’s (In the Loop, The Thick of It) new series on HBO, starring Julia Louis Dreyfus as a Sarah Palinesque Vice President. Premieres April 22 in the US.

Dallas A continuation of the classic 80s primetime soap with some original cast members as well as added contemporary stars. Premiering mid year in the US.

Bikie Wars: Brothers in Arms From the producers of Underbelly comes Australia’s answer to hit US series Sons of Anarchy, based on the Milperra 1984 massacre. Will air on Channel Ten.

Jack Irish Based on the best selling works of Peter Temple, Guy Pearce stars as a private investigator in two telemovies shot in Melbourne. Screening on ABC1 sometime this year.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

TV: GAME OF THRONES SEASON 1 1 Game of Thrones is one of the best and most ambitious new shows of the past ten years. Based on George R.R. Martin’s award winning fantasy saga “A Song of Ice & Fire”, the series creators have balanced a multitude of plotlines and characters, as the various noble families of the mythical medieval kingdom of Westeros lay claim to the Iron Throne. Sean Bean heads the gigantic cast, although the highlight is Peter Dinklage in his role as the boozing, whoring, barb-tounged dwarf Tyrion. The DVD is loaded with extras including making-of featurettes and commentaries. Catch up with this amazing series before Season 2 kicks off on April 1st. ~ Tom Clift

Movie: DRIVE 2 Nicholas Winding Refn’s breathtaking Drive sees Ryan Gosling as a reserved Hollywood stunt driver with an interesting side profession. Drifting through life and assisting with heist type getaways, the nameless driver becomes romantically involved with Irene (Carey Mulligan) and dangerously with Bernie Rose (Albert Brooks) through business. Beyond the visual aesthetics and determined narrative stands an unforgettable 80s sounding synthesized soundtrack. Highly lauded by scores of critics and thousands of cinephiles alike, Drive was rightly one of the most acclaimed films of 2011. Painfully overlooked by the Academy, Drive is beyond Oscar worthy and a multiple must see. ~ James Madden.

REVIEWS “I just saw the movie Holidays. It was great: Jude Law played Jude Law and Cameron Diaz played That Actress From Charlie’s Angles That Can’t Act.”

MICROREVIEWS

SHAME REVIEW BY RICHARD HARIDY

REVIEW BY JAMES MADDEN

oman Polanski’s CARNAGE is a supremely nasty little blast of a film. Adapted from the stage-play by Yasmina Reza, we follow two couples who meet to discuss a resolution after one of their children injures the other in a fight. Over the course of a brisk 80 minute running time the meeting dissolves into a chaotic, Bunuelian jumble of vomit, accusations, judgements, scotch drinking and generally snarky behaviour. Considering the confines of its single setting, Polanski stages the film magnificently playing with mirrors and hand held shots in ways that reflect the growing mania of the narrative. Ultimately CARNAGE defiantly belongs to its four leads - John C Reilly and Jodie Foster play the victimised child’s parents while Christof Waltz and Kate Winslet are parents of the accused. Only Foster possibly overplays her hand as the film reaches a suitably hysterical crescendo while Waltz hilariously steals the show as a corporate lawyer disinterested in the situation until it becomes entertainingly combative. Your mileage may vary with CARNAGE depending on one’s personal tolerance for what is unrepentantly nothing more than a ‘filmed play’ but when the performances are so sharp and writing so amusingly black there remains much to enjoy in this classic ‘civilized to savagery’ tale.

teve McQueen’s Shame became unfairly synonymous with full frontal male nudity well ahead of its theatrical release. While the film stars Michael Fassbender as a sex addict, it substantially chronicles addiction, the compulsions that cripple its afflicted inhabitants and the descent that environs it all. Brandon (Fassbender) lives a routine life. He is an addict and is constantly looking for his fix. By controlling particular aspects of his life through well guarded privacy and detailed rituals, Brandon manages to maintain some composure through his affliction. That is until wild sister Sissy (Carey Mulligan) emerges and turns order into chaos. McQueen has made a fundamentally flawless film. The opening scene, where Brandon slowly seduces a female passenger on the New York City subway, is captivating. Flirtatious and eager, the underlining score by Harry Escott is broodingly dark and foreboding, warning of the self-destruction that will follow. With a screenplay from McQueen and Abi Morgan (The Iron Lady – yeah, I know!), Shame is a landmark in modern filmmaking. Brutally honest and unflinching, it features astounding performances from the talented and restrained Fassbender and the wonderfully delinquent Mulligan.

Carnage is to be released theatrically in Australia on March 1. ***

Shame is rated R18+ and was released theatrically in Australia on February 9 through Transmission Films.

The Artist (Feb 2) Modern day silent film recreates the glitz and glamour of Hollywood’s Golden Age. Simply delightful.

Martha Marcy May Marlene (Feb 2) Stunning American indie debut is headlined by a fantastic performance from the Olsen twins’ little sister as a woman escaped from a cult.

My Week with Marilyn (Feb 16) The dubious “true story” of a love-struck pom’s tumultuous affair with Marilyn Monroe. Great performances, but otherwise dull.

Buck (Feb 16) Documentary focusing on a real life Horse Whisperer. A touching and compelling subject from director Cindy Meehl.

A Separation (March 1) Superbly written family drama explores issues of class, gender and religion in contemporary Iran.

50/50 (March 8) Dramedy about Joseph Gordon-Levitt diagnosed with cancer is funny, touching and well acted top to bottom.

Coriolanus (March 8) Shakespeare set in contemporary times. A stoic Vanessa Redgrave dominates over Ralph Fiennes in his directorial debut.

~ Tom Clift & James Madden

Books. The Double Life & Death CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS (1949—2011)

BY ALEX O’BRIEN

hristopher Hitchens began his collection Prepared for the Worst: Selected Essays and Minority Reports by assuming novelist Nadine Gordimer’s standard that one should always write as if she or he were writing posthumously—a rather ambitious intention for the journalist, whose ineluctable responsibility is to the present. The aim was sharpened by his memoir, Hitch-22—released on the day of his diagnosis with oesophageal cancer, the complications of which would cause his death—in which he gave an account of being labelled, in error, as “the late Christopher Hitchens”. To the irony suggested by the timing of the diagnosis, he responded with his usual gall: “To the dumb question ‘Why me?’ the cosmos barely bothers to return the reply: Why not?” Irreducible wit, polemicist, and selfdeclared ‘anti-theist’, Hitchens was perhaps just as well known for what he wrote as the prolific manner in which he wrote it. As Ian McEwan remarked upon Hitchens’ death, he was able to compose an article “at the speed of typing”. Similarly, it seems any review or profile of him was unable to dispense with the reports of his equally insatiable appetite for ‘booze and fags’; the imperishable heure de l’apéritif enjoyed in the style of Evelyn Waugh’s Charles Ryder: “I got drunk often, but through an excess of high spirits, in the love of the moment, and the wish to prolong and enhance it…” Further proving that the double-life cannot be lived by halves, Hitchens resisted the bifurcations and reductions of Left/ Right, either/or, political categorisations. An avid Trotskyist at Oxford, as his career

ELLA DYSON

progressed—and as he shifted across the Atlantic, eventually taking up American citizenship in 2007—he directed his attention towards an apparent farrago of targets that included Bill Clinton and Henry Kissinger. The former for his purported habit of authorising executions and bombings to conveniently coincide with election cycles, and the latter for a series of political assassinations and bombings of Indochina, which, Hitchens argued, merited a trial for war crimes. In Australian Book Review Robert Manne argued of George Orwell—to whom Hitchens is most frequently compared—that For many political writers who are dead, we either know where they are likely to have stood or, to be honest, do not greatly care. With Orwell we are uncertain and we care. Whether posterity will seek the ‘posthumous approval’ of Hitchens—will care to find him as enigmatic as his hero Orwell—of

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

course remains to be seen. Certainly Hitchens’ myopic focus on ‘Islamofascism’, his endorsement and promotion of the so-called War on Terror (to the point that, as one New Yorker profile described, he had to deny writing speeches for the George W. Bush administration), has admittedly done little to endear him to the next generation. However, to his credit, it has not been the disqualifier that many would expect. Rather, his unwavering belief in rationalism above religious extremism, and his commitment to the Iraqi Kurds’ cause to live free from tyranny, to an extent vindicate his choice to support such a misguided war; if only until we remember the disproportionate number of lives that have ended in the attempt to secure such freedoms. That Hitchens’ life would conclude on the same day as the Iraq War (or at least one of its iterations) seems somehow apt, yet is but another coincidence dressed as irony. “A historical coincidence,” as George Packer writes of Hitchens, “that only he might have known what to do with.”

SEARCHING FOR WORDS

• • • • •

BY JOHN LISTER

•

Carlton Secondhand Books. 678 Swanston Street, Carlton. Book Affair. 161 Elgin St, Carlton. Grub Street Bookstore. 379 Brunswick St, Fitzroy. The Searchers. 93 Smith St, Fitzroy. Flinders Books. 248 Flinders St, Melbourne CBD. City Basement Books. 342 Flinders St, Melbourne CBD.

Condoms in copies of Chaucer, instructional guides on the uses of urine, strangely sandaled and eclectic shop assistants, the secondhand bookshops of Melbourne are a relatively unexplored world of weirdness! Within tram distance of the University the booklover can explore many collections of loved and abused, dog-eared and pristine books awaiting new owners. Carlton Secondhand Books has many rooms that were once inhabited by a few people but are now home to thousands of characters and writers. It is just you and the books, and you can browse in a room all to yourself. This is a good store to quell your literary cravings and the sort of a place where you may get talking to another browser about some obscure literary passion you have in common. The prices are also student friendly. Heading down Elgin Street you will find Book Affair. It is a quaint bookshop with three levels filled with a world of books. The sad part is that perhaps by the time you read this its doors will be closed. After being a Melbourne institution for around 30 years the owners are selling its collection at half price and clearing its shelves. With high rent and dwindling sales in the inner city the owners have had enough. Its basement is a grotto filled with books on history, medicine, crime and sci-fi and many more. One staff member Kathryn tells of the things she finds in the books collected from deceased estates and garage sales; tram tickets, pressed flowers and photos found between pages long forgotten. These give hints of the books previous owners, tell of acquiring new tastes and getting rid of the old—much like the book reading habits of Melburnians that see places like this come and go. The world is full of these strange tastes, and Kathryn keeps one book aside as the strangest they have found yet: Urine The Holy Water. Head through the Carlton Gardens to Brunswick Street and you will spot Grub Street Bookstore. Amongst the jumbled floor to ceiling shelves you will find predominantly non-

ILLUSTRATION: SARAH McCOLL

fiction. Art is the specialty of one of the owners Justin, and the collection is full of interesting books on most artistic styles and periods. Huxley, Hunter S. Thompson and Orwell paperbacks prove popular with the style conscious Fitzroyalty. They also have fantastic leather bound editions of the classics, and many volumes with beautiful covers (be prepared to pay a premium for these though). Hop off your fixie and head in for a look. In the grungier Smith Street you will discover The Searchers, a hipster’s heaven. It has a great mix of books, magazines (look out for the old school editions of Playboy) and vinyl. It also has a vast wall full of fiction and its art books prove to be popular. Any hipster’s heart will skip when they see the shelf full of classic retro and well read orange Penguin paperbacks. For a more serious browsing experience head into the city. Amongst the hustle and bustle of Flinders Street you will come across an oasis of calm in Flinders Books. It has a broad range of topics, but every now and then has a feature window on specific

subjects (this month: Australian colonial history). There are a lot of sci-fi and crime paperbacks that are popular amongst the commuters that frequent this inner-city store. If you are after the weird and eccentric this is not the shop for you—it feels serious and businesslike despite the shop assistant wearing brown sandals with his dark suit. At the quieter end of Flinders Street look carefully for City Basement Books, which is definitely in a city basement. The shelves wind around corners and you can find yourself lost whilst looking at Common Australian Fungi for hours on end. It is something of a Melbourne institution, with travellers from interstate and overseas making time to browse its shelves. The shop assistants are also fantastic and can help you track down what you are looking for. They often find things left in between the pages of the books, and sometimes just leave them there for the next person to find. For obvious reasons the used condom in a copy of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales was not left behind for the next reader.

GOURMET ON A BUDGET BY JULIA MATTHEWS

ver wanted to host a fancy dinner party but held back because you couldn’t afford the duck or you couldn’t master whipped cream? If you’ve just moved out, you should be showing off your new place to friends and family, not be locked up alone with a sad plate of mushy peas with an empty social calendar. Here are ten top tips for hosting a fancy feast whilst sticking to a budget: 1. Ambiance: Clean your apartment at least a day in advance. You don’t want the first thing your guests see to be the remains of last week’s dinner festering in the sink or your biology homework spread across your entire house. Make everything neat and tidy, get out some extra chairs, put out a couple of bowls of nibbles and turn on some nice music. Pinch some flowers from your neighbour’s window box and set them in the middle of the table. Not only will this relax your guests, but you’ll feel pretty good too. 2. Tea towel: Arthur Dent had it right, you should always carry a towel with you. Sling a tea towel over your shoulder while you cook and people will think you’re Jamie Oliver. 3. Think in threes: All top notch restaurants have one thing in common—they never serve you one meal. Oh no. They serve you 12. If you don’t have that many plates or that much patience, always resort to the triad: entrée, main, dessert, each with three different elements. Your guests will be impressed with the time and effort you put into the menu plan. 4. Learn a new language: Take it from a long time French speaker: everything sounds better when said in another language. I mean,

if you tell your prospective date you’re making him or her coq au vin with melange des legumes for dinner, the chance of you getting a second date are much higher. Granted, you may sound like a bit of a coq yourself, but it adds that touch of class to an otherwise standard meal. 5. Presentation is everything: A well-known fact in hospitality: people eat with their eyes. You might not be able to spend money on ingredients, but time comes cheap, so take your time when arranging the plate. Don’t leave dribbles, use the nice cutlery, and don’t just spread everything out like you’re doing a finger painting. Don’t do anything too complicated though, unless you practice first. Finally, always use a garnish. A sprig of parsley on top is enough to perfect your dish. 6. Less is more: Another annoying trait that all top notch restaurants is to serve lots of dishes with virtually non-existent portions. To the outsider, this seems stingy and unfair. However, when you think about what goes into those dishes and how many you consume, you’ll understand why. You don’t, for instance, want to serve a huge dense, rich, creamy dish with only a couple of lettuce leaves. A handy rule I go by is that if you fill more than 2/3 of the plate, it’s too much. Nothing ruins a dinner party more quickly than the guest apologizing because they can’t eat everything on their plate. There is one exception to the rule… 7. More wine is better: The minute you add wine to something, you’re adding a perfectly aged drop of sophistication. Red wine goes perfectly with red meat, as does white wine and fish. If you don’t want to make a whole meal with wine, make a sauce or add it to gravy. Don’t worry if ILLUSTRATIONS: SARAH McCOLL

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

you’re serving it to under-agers: the longer you cook it, the more alcohol gets cooked out, making it adult and kid friendly. 8. Don’t be too ambitious: We all know somebody who tried to make a croqumbouche after Masterchef. I bet we also know someone who burnt their hands trying to spin the toffee, someone who fell off a ladder trying to stack it, and someone who complained ‘it looks nothing like the pictures’. If you have never done it before, don’t serve it to other people, or at least have a really good plan B. 9. Substitute, substitute, substitute: A lot of really nice recipes require really nice ingredients that you really can’t afford. You don’t need the finest ingredients in the world to make a fine dish: it’s okay to use Aldi fruit and veg and quick-sale salmon. It’s all going to be chopped, fried, baked, pureed or boiled within an inch of its life anyway: by the time it reaches the plate it’ll be unrecognisable, and people will be too busy shovelling it into their mouths and complimenting you to see the Homebrand packet poking out of the bin. If you still really want to do an outlandish dish requiring several different herbs, spices and hard-to-come-by additives, do some research beforehand and come up with at least five other dishes you can make with each ingredient. 10. Taste testing: Always know what a dish tastes like before you serve it. If it means you have to eat half of the dish before you put it out, so be it. You don’t want to serve something that looks and smells great only to find out as your guests dry retch into their bowls because you used salt instead of sugar. Seasoning is also important. Asking guests if they’d like a flourish of pepper shows care and makes you look incredibly posh.

PHOTO: NATASHA JANSZ

FEATURES

“Almost a year on from the country’s worst disaster since WWII, the aftershock of the Tohoku earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear disasters that followed can still be felt in Japan’s socio-economic state.”

“Over 30% of Australians born in 2010 were born via a C-section, double the World Health Organisation (WHO) recommendation of 15%.” DAMIR LJUHAR—PAGE 40

“The dragon, the only mythical creature of the Chinese Zodiac, is considered to be the luckiest and most auspicious sign.” SAMANTHA JT—PAGE 44

IMOGEN SMITH-WATERS—PAGE 36

JAPAN:

ONE YEAR LATER Imogen Smith-Waters

ART: ELLA DYSON

外人はどこですか？Where the bloody hell are you? Definitely not Japan. Just a month into the season, Japan’s ski fields have experienced their largest snowfall for several years. However, at renowned Niseko resort, snow is not the only thing falling. Tourism rates are down 35%, despite ideal conditions of 10m powder. Japan’s national tourism authority has been reassuring tourists that all major regions are safe, unharmed, and operating as usual. Foreign governments have even rescinded previous travel restrictions. Yet the fallout of Japan’s ill safety reputation has snowballed, making its presence felt across a number of industries. Now, almost a year on from the country’s worst disaster since WWII, the aftershock of the Tohoku earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear disasters that followed can still be felt in Japan’s socioeconomic state. This apparent lack of skiers offers an indication that last year’s devastation is spelling trouble for Japan’s tourism industry. Has green snow become the new yellow snow?

DVIDSHUB

To combat this, a tourism scheme is in the drafting stages - 10,000 free air tickets to Japan may be offered to foreigners. Although not yet definite, the initiative may begin to operate from April this year. A traveller’s delight, perhaps, but with such widespread uncertainty surrounding the short-term effects of radioactive activity, there remains a certain risk in travelling to the area. While the Japanese government has declared that Tokyo’s current radiation level is equal to that of New York, many critics uphold that the seriousness of the risk is being downplayed. With so much controversy surrounding the government’s management of the disaster, many potential tourists remain sceptical of Japanese attempts to foster travel confidence. A commonly held opinion is that the government was slow, even reluctant, to reveal information immediately following the disaster, which has resulted in a degree of international distrust. Many wonder why critical information regarding the radioactive spread was shared with the US military more than a week before the Japanese public was made aware. Seen as a conspiracy of silence, many towns within the exclusion zone were left to fend for themselves, resulting in some radiation refugees unknowingly fleeing to areas of higher risk. Nearly a year later, stories of similar scandals continue to unfold. These include the

accidental distribution of contaminated beef and the discovery that relocation housing built for Fukushima evacuees (home to the stricken nuclear plant) contained radioactive materials mined just 10km from one of the nuclear

OFFICIAL US NAVY IMAGERY

levels of radiation within most of Fukushima will be halved in two years, allowing hopeful locals to return to their homes. For many of the 180,000 nuclear evacuees, life is returning to normal. The city of Fukushima has confirmed the average radiation exposure level as ‘relatively safe’ to “Many wonder why critical informa- citizens’ health. Most school tion regarding the radioactive spread children resumed classes late was shared with the US military more last year with issued dosimeters required to be worn on than a week before the Japanese public lanyards for several months. was made aware.” Time spent in playgrounds and playing outside sports is still, however, restricted to plants. Where government confessions of daily quotas in certain areas. negligible communication have lead to harm However, a lack of explanation about radiand the widespread confusion of locals, it is ation measurement has meant that most people no wonder many tourists are still wary about are unable to translate dosimeter readings into travelling to Japan. useful information, and thus ensure their own Despite such uncertainty and estimates safety. It is expected that, as a result of the last that the nuclear clean up may take up to 40 year’s tragedy, nuclear education will be added years, vast recovery efforts are apparent. More to school curriculums around the country— than 180,000 workers have been involved in similar to the peace education efforts that were the clean up of the power plants. This number introduced to Japan following Hiroshima and includes a group of 500 retirees committed to Nagasaki. bearing responsibility for the problems (they Many locals employed in cottage industries claim) their own generation is to blame for. (i.e. farmers, ceramicists and silk producers) Through natural decay of radioactive matter, hold substantiated concerns that products assisted by human effort, it is predicted that will not be sold due to radiation precautions.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

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However, in the face of such fears, hopeful locals have rejuvenated some of the worst affected areas. Assisting decontamination at a grass roots level–in the most literal sense–locals have cultivated deceptively picturesque fields of sunflowers across the area to absorb radiation. Some areas however will not be restored, declared “dead zones” with levels too high to decontaminate within the next 20 years. Food contamination risks continue to be an issue of paramount concern for the Japanese population. Claims of a worldwide spread of radiation are becoming an international concern, and are currently under examination. 60-80% of Japanese fishing catches since last March reportedly contained radioactive caesium–a worrying figure for nationals as well as trading partner countries. Manufacturers have even discarded many exports found to be radioactive, including cars. Now, with countries such as Canada and Finland attributing the higher-than-usual amounts of radioactivity found in their own produce to Japan, the alarm is intensifying. As a country that has certainly lost a lot to nuclear energy, it is difficult to believe that the prospect of a nuclear-free Japan is unlikely. Government resistance to such a policy contributed to the resignation of Naoto Kan, Japan’s then prime minister, just months after the calamity. Reports advocating continued

OFFICIAL US NAVY IMAGERY

operation of the plants are another area attracting great scepticism. With companies themselves providing safety information, the vested interests of industry owners are seen to stand as a significant barrier to a nuclear-free future.

many aspects of the country’s social framework, such as the introduction of company work-from-home policies now allowing people to better balance family and work. In the past, this was disdained. Despite the aforementioned international concerns, many countries are offering “60-80% of Japanese fishing gestures of support and solicatches since last March darity to Japan. This includes reportedly contained radioactive France loaning some of the finest works of the Louvre to caesium–a worrying figure for Fukushima prefecture. Whether this is an issue nationals as well as trading of mind over matter in the partner countries.” face of much reassurance, there is still widespread reluctance to visit parts of Not overlooking the fact that the country Japan. The country has a hard road ahead, but is in mourning, there are many comfortwill surely learn to adjust to being in recovery ing positives emerging from Japan’s disaster mode. The addition of a radiation measurerecovery. The quake has brought the Japanese ment update tool on the Yahoo toolbar is nation closer together. It seems the Japanese representative of the progress the country has people have become aware of relationship made so far. complacencies, reprioritising what is imporEducation will increase, confidence tant in their lives. General observations of will become restored over time, and the increased comradeship, love, and spiritualeconomy will improve– Japan is resilient. ity have been noted in high volunteer levels, But for those who remain unshaken about organised religion, significant peaks in online visiting in the near future, here’s hoping the matchmaking subscriptions and demand for government follows through on its scheme wedding services. This change is perceivable in to shout your fare.

Not of Woman Born? DAMIR LJUHAR gets into the mechanics of the C-section.

ELLA DYSON

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

These days there are a number of ways to be born. A woman in her mid-30s shuffles uncomfortably in her bed, unable to find a position that both she and the two little twins inside her can agree upon. Outside the heavy Oslo snow continues to gently rattle against the hospital windows, adding to the white sterility of the surroundings. The husband, while whispering gentle words, can relate little to her experience. Nonetheless, together they prepare for what is slowly becoming a very long, but undoubtedly their most significant, day. Next door to her, a younger mother-to-be also prepares for what will be the day her first daughter is born. Both women will end up having a Caesarean-section (C-section), both for different reasons and both with different outcomes. Despite popular belief, Caesar was not More often than not, the baby will be occurring via C-section. born of a Caesarean-section. In early Roman born naturally. The tight passage through the Clearly, there are times when a C-section law, it was required that a child be removed birth canal helps to squeeze the baby’s lungs, is the best way to proceed. The WHO recomfrom the womb of a dead mother. Later this removing the last of the amniotic fluid it had mendation of 15% takes this into considerevolved into a way of attempting to save the been living in the for last nine months and the ation. The rest is made up with ‘elective’ C-secbaby in a mother that would not survive the mother is doused in natural endorphins, begintions – that is C-sections that are not indicated delivery. Before the days of modern medicine ning the unique mother-baby connection. medically. This must mean that high rates germ-theory, antibiotics, asepsis, blood transfuOccasionally something goes wrong. come from different driving forces. The CANA sions and anaesthetics – it would have been Whatever the reason: whether it’s the baby attributes it to factors like fear of litigation, impossible to survive a C-section. Considering not receiving enough oxygen or the exit of physician preference, fear factors and poor Aurelia, Caesar’s mother, lived well past childthe uterus being blocked, sometimes to save access to quality information on childbirth as birth to advise her son, it is clear she did not mother or child, or even both, a caesarean well as lack of access to midwifery care. Howhave a C-section. is performed. It is unlike anything else. One ever the most worrisome factor is the potential Today the C-section is a safe and commoment the obstetricians are chatting about for coercion where obstetricians, especially in mon procedure with a maternal mortality rate the mundane and the next a hand goes into the private sector, encourage C-sections due to of less than 20 per monetary benefits. 1,000,000. However, The woman’s with such advances wishes should always comes misinformation. remain the first conWhile the C-section is sideration. However, “A reduction of caesarean rates has been an incredible medical there needs to be a shown to benefit the health outcomes of the baby advancement that has shift to reduce our and the physical and mental health of the mother.” saved countless lives of rates of C-sections. A both babies and mothreduction of caesarean ers, it should never rates has been shown have become a part of to benefit the health ‘normal’ delivery. outcomes of the baby In ‘normal’ circumstances, where the the woman’s belly and pulls out a screamand the physical and mental health of the baby is to term after 37 weeks in the womb ing, drenched baby. However, as with any mother. Furthermore, this would be a means and there are no other risks or complicasurgical procedure, it is not without risk. of reduce the negative economic and resource tions, the baby is delivered ‘naturally’ with This is no ‘small operation’ with risks of impact on the health care system as a whole. the assistance of a midwife. There has been a bleeding, infection, and potential for probOf the two women in Oslo, the first womrecent gain in popularity of home birthing, lems in future pregnancies. an proceeded with a natural delivery. Seven with one in 90 births in the United States Over 30% of Australians born in 2010 hours into her labour one of the twins began occurring at home. Even in hospitals, there were born via a C-section, double the World showing signs of distress as a result of lack of are various options for the mother, including Health Organisation (WHO) recommendaoxygen, and she was rushed into theatre for an undergoing a water birth. tion of 15%. This is comparable with the emergency C-section. In an incredible blur of Occasionally, when there are less serious U.S C-section rate of approximately 31% scalpels, blood, baby screams and cries the two complications, such as the baby getting stuck but much higher than other many developed babies were pulled into life. The mother, in or being slightly too large for the birth canal, countries with similar or lower perinatal or pain but ecstatic, held her babies for the first a doctor – an obstetrician – is called to help maternal mortality rates. Norway, which is time the following morning. assist the delivery. Depending on the docone of the world leaders in maternal and As the younger woman was being put tor, delivery is aided with forceps or through perinatal health, has a rate of less than 17% under for elective C-section, she had a a vacuum where a small hat-like apparatus is while the Netherlands has an impressive rate reaction to the anaesthetic. Only after a placed on the baby’s head which helps the team of 13%. China, on the other hand, currently week in intensive care was she able to hold skillfully pull it out. leads the way with nearly half of their birth her new daughter.

The SSAF:

REBUILDING CAMPUS LIFE BY EMMA KOEHN

They’ve fought about it on the floors of both parliament and Union House. After five years of Voluntary Student Unionism, Australia is returning to compulsory fees for university services. 2012 sees the introduction of the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF), a result of the Higher Education Legislation Amendment (Student Services and Amenities) Act 2011. This means that all uni students will pay a levy for campus services, $263 for full timers, $197 for part timers.

ILLUSTRATION: MATT McCARTHY

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

The SSAF legislation has been the cause rago that the Union was keen to remove the sity Sport, which will gain an 82% increase of bickering among many a student politician. ‘members-only’ services model and instead in funds. This boost is higher than that of These arguments have often come down to connect with a greater number of students. any other university body, including childcare what’s better—compulsory or voluntary payOne criticism of VSU is that campus life has services. ments for uni services like clubs and childcare. evaporated in its wake, with many students It’s undisputed that money will reinvigoPrior to 2007, all students paid up to $350 upchoosing not to join the union, let alone spend rate student activities on campus, particularly front as a compulsory part of their enrolment. their free hours on campus. for smaller clubs and societies. In 2005 the Howard government eliminat“We were pretty eager to remove member“In the past larger groups could fund ed the ‘compulsory’ part, claiming that forced ship restrictions, providing that the university their own events, while if you had a different contributions infringed on a student’s right had the funds to run services,” Kettle told interest, there wasn’t as much funding for it,” to freedom of association. Howard’s ministers Farrago. UMSU President Kettle said. were particularly critical of union funds being “The old model [which required up-front “Given that members-only services are used to run activities to advance student politiunion fees] was incredibly prohibitive, whereas now a thing of the past; every student will also cians. The previous up-front fee was replaced the new SSAF can be fully deferred to HELP, have full use of Union House spaces like the with voluntary payments, in a model known without need to pay up front.” Members Lounge’.” as Voluntary Student UMSU sees the Unionism (VSU). SSAF as not only proWithin uni comviding an opportunity, munities, attitudes but a reason for stutowards the SSAF are “This year the university will collect an extra $6.08 million, with dents to stay and individed. While the with each other an additional $1 million going to MUSUL—the union’s corporate teract Gillard government on campus. Regardless arm—and $988,000 to UMSU.” has ensured the wordof one’s philosophy on ing of the Bill forces the correct funding universities to spend model, the legislation money on ‘non politiis here to stay. cal and non-academic services’ not everyone is The passing of the Bill created a new “We’re happy with the result [of the Bill] pacified. The Liberal Student’s Federation, for question: how to spend the money. From and the opportunities we now have,” Kettle said. instance, expressed concerns last year that the November 2011 university bodies and students The Graduate Student AAssociation (GSA) fee would enable corruption and ‘cronyism’ entered consultation to plead their case for dol- told Farrago that the SSAF funds will open within student union bodies. lars. Some plans have been more contentious doors for new projects like a legal resource However, in 2008 the Department of than others. service for graduate students and a graduate Education, Employment and Workplace RelaThis year the university will collect an student peer reviewed journal. tions released a report examining the results of extra $6.08 million, with an additional $1 mil“The additional funds really are welcome”, voluntary payments. It suggested that the Unilion going to MUSUL—the union’s corporate GSA President Spencer said. versity of Melbourne had suffered significant arm—and $988,000 to UMSU. “They’ll allow for us to expand grad-speciflosses of support staff, childcare and participaNot all funding decisions have been ic activities on campus.” tion in campus activities under VSU. straightforward. Various students commented Students both new and returning will be University of Melbourne Student Union to Farrago that they were disappointed with able to acquaint themselves with what’s on of(UMSU) President Mark Kettle told Farthe increase in funding to Melbourne Univerfer as soon as semester commences.

The Dance of Dragons. BY SAMANTHA JT

THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF DRAGONS Although generally regarded as the most powerful and desired sign of the Chinese Zodiac, there are in fact different types of Dragons, based on the five main elements in Chinese philosophy. The Dragon of 2012 is that of the earth variety, whereas earlier dragons are either wood, fire, metal or water variants. The idea of the five elements as a governing force in the Chinese Zodiac is often overlooked. However, they are crucial in impacting the 12 zodiac signs by influencing their differing characteristics.

omprising 12 creatures, the Chinese Zodiac is a 12 year cycle which associates each year with a specific animal and its character traits. The cycle consists of the snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog, pig, ox, tiger, rabbit and the dragon. The latter, the only mythical creature of the Chinese Zodiac, is considered to be the luckiest and most auspicious sign. The 23rd of January marked the beginning of the Dragon Year. This time will see a significant boom in births across Asia as Chinese gear up to ensure their children receive the gifts of intelligence, luck, wealth and strength associated with the Dragon. Despite the positive qualities attributed to the fiery Dragon, the mythical creature is not about to set 2012 ablaze with reigniting the gloomy economy. Rather, the Dragon year is predicted to be a continuation of the second half of 2011, the Rabbit year. The rabbit when scared retreats back into its hole – think financial markets reacting to the eurozone crisis of last year. Despite this, investors can cling onto the hope that by middle to late 2012, the dragon might have accumulated enough energy to soar from its dwelling, reviving the dire and desperate markets. Zodiac signs aside, Chinese New Year is a significant time for Chinese families to assemble and celebrate over elaborate meals and festivities. The Reunion dinner is essential in kicking off the New Year celebrations. Usually celebrated on the eve of Chinese New Year, it brings extended relatives together over dinners consisting of foods thought to bring good luck and prosperity. In countries such as Singapore and Malaysia the tossing of Yu Sheng

is seen as being important to usher in the New Year with abundance. Comprising of strips of raw salmon, grated carrots, radish and other vegetables, families gather around the dish and toss it with chopsticks, sometimes voicing their hopes and wishes for the New Year. Other traditional dishes include steamed fish and hot pots in which families cook raw meat, seafood and vegetables. The fare served at Chinese New Year gatherings differs between the many dialect groups, with each dishing up food distinct to their culture. . Perhaps the most recognizable and highly anticipated symbol of the New Year is the Red Packet. Referred to as Ang Bao or Hong Bao, these packets are filled with money and handed out by older or married couples to younger members of the family. Similarly, mandarin oranges which sound like “wealth” and “good luck” in the Chinese language are given to older family members as a sign of respect and filial piety. Chinese New Year bears various superstitions which many staunchly traditional Chinese families adhere to. Perhaps the most commonly known superstition is the idea that cleaning one’s house on New Years day will result in bad luck for the year, with the family essentially ‘sweeping away’ their good luck and fortune. Therefore, the eve of the New Year usually sees Chinese families ‘spring cleaning’ their homes and readying their houses for family gatherings which will ensue. The colour red is also the colour of choice during the 15 day period, with the hue said to represent prosperity and luck – people usually ring in the New Year in new, red clothing.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

The Earth Dragons of 2012 and their precedents of 1988 are seen as being generally more rational and level-headed people. More attached to the earth and nature, earth dragons are quieter, more reflective and enjoy being admired and offering support to others. Fire Dragons are the most extroverted of the Dragons, with competition and ambition running through their veins. Fiery in personality, a short temper, emotions and intolerance are easily flared. Fire dragons are perhaps the most critical of all dragons and need to adopt more humble and modest attitudes in communicating with others. Wood Dragons are extremely creative and artistic. Slightly dominating, these dragons enjoy working in the company of others though tend to exert strong leadership. Dragons of the wood variety are naturally inquisitive and innovative and are seen as the least egoistical of the Dragons. Metal Dragons are the most inflexible and strongest of the sign. Sometimes at the risk of destroying their relationships, these natural born leaders often rise rapidly in the workforce with their determined strength and will to succeed. Water Dragons are the calmest of the Dragon elements. Objective and graceful, these dragons are the least power hungry of the dragons, instead being more inhibited and able to accept defeat. Generally optimistic and amiable, water dragons are able to work well with others. ILLUSTRATION: STEVE GODDEN

Playing the Field

BY CLANCY MOORE

nfidelity is pretty horrific. Take this from me, a survivor. The sense of loss, worthlessness, fear, anger and heartbreaking physical pain is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s almost enough to put one off personal relationships altogether. These days, around one in three marriages end in divorce, and cheating seems to be even more prevalent. Maybe we’re just not made for committed monogamous relationships? Sure, a few bird species can do it, but what’s to say it’s the best course of action for us horny humans? Picture this: you’ve been in a committed and loyal relationship for three and a half years, then one day, after a week away at the beach, your partner tells you they’ve been sleeping with somebody while you were away and that it’s over between you two. End of story. No more discussion. Thanks for your time, and please see yourself out. You then discover that this somebody was actually two somebodies, and that these two somebodies were two of your best friends. Brutal, I know, but what could I have done about it? I could hardly have been any more committed to the relationship in question, so maybe the answer lies in looking a little left of field. There is no shortage of unconventional relationship arrangements out there for an enterprising young purveyor of love. Polyamory, swinging, various hundred-mile rules, fuck-buddies, friends with benefits - a plethora of partnerships and unions that may not fit perfectly into many people’s idea of what love is. You name the arrangement and odds are people you know are practicing it, way closer than you might think. Not necessarily in a Charles-Manson-religious-cult kind of way, and not necessarily in a dishonest, cheating and underhanded way. They may simply be dealing with romance of the modern world with a more flexible and relaxed approach. Philosopher Alain De Botton put it well when he wrote, “we all want marriage to be a union of love, sex, and family. I believe in all three but I doubt whether they can all be experienced at the same time with the same person. That is the craziness of modern romanticism.” After coming out of high school, slumming my way through a gap year overseas and charging through my first year of uni, I’ve come to think about relationships differently from when I was committed to one all those years ago. Uni and growing up have shown me that people have drastically different lives, with different priorities, attitudes and preferences. You are highly unlikely to find someone with whom you click instantly into a firm partnership, requiring no negotiation or discussion of any kind. Well, perhaps you are, and if so, good for you! But for most of us, flexibility is a necessary measure. Unconventional relationships can offer us excitement and the feeling of getting to know someone new, which you can miss out on in monogamous, committed relationships. Trust me, I’ve tried both and they offer largely different sets of emotions and securities. Most of you will be mature enough to know that if people want to practice an unconventional romantic or sex life, let them. But maybe it’s something we should all put some thought into. Maybe it really could be the social panacea that could create a new collective harmony. It’s how Bonobo monkeys do it after all! Go ahead and choose for yourself: it’s your life to lead. Personally I think I’ll follow the advice of English poet Sir Arnold Bax: “you should try everything once, except incest and folk dancing.”

How Not to Die After a Break Up BY BONNIE LEIGH-DODDS

I am writing to you, dear readers, in an attempt to 1) salvage what’s left of my sanity by immortalising the last month of my life in text and 2) relate to those of you who have recently been through a break up, and cheer your heavy hearts. So have no fear, beautiful single people of Melbourne, because I am about to enlighten you. It may not run with break-up protocol, nor may my methods be exactly kosher, but bugger it. They worked for me and I can only hope they will work for you. So here they are, in no particular order, my top ten tips for a broken heart.

ILLUSTRATION: RACHELLE MOULIC

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

1. If there is ever a time you’re allowed to become a raging alcoholic, it is now. So go forth, drink! Alcohol became a prominent motif in my life over the last few weeks, and I am not going to pretend that it didn’t help a great deal. HOWEVER. Booze will make it better now…not tomorrow. You will eventually need to learn to dance, sing, talk, walk and type stone cold sober. It’s not a long-term solution (just like your relationship—BAM!) 2. If you had a song—ours was that timeless romantic classic “Africa” by Toto—listen to it once and once only, and do so in the shower. If you’re going to violently sob, you should go all out. The shower really enhances the experience and being naked makes you feel more vulnerable than ever. Ideal for a broken heart. 3. Note to future self: do not break up with your longterm boyfriend between Christmas and New Years. Rookie error. Those six days will be the least jolly of your life. Just don’t do it. 4. Have a best friend. More importantly, have a best friend who drives. I cannot stress the importance of this. If you find yourself lying naked on the floor listening to Shania Twain’s “From this moment”, you need to call someone and they need to make it to you, fast. I am lucky enough to have my own personal wise woman who brought with her the three gifts of wine, Indian takeaway and a general bitter perception of the male population. We spent a week driving to and fro, listening to love song dedications and screaming various Mariah Carey lyrics at innocent members of the public. Without her, I honestly believe I would have found myself in a dusty room wearing a wedding dress, looking like Miss Havisham and setting fire to cats that resemble Adele. 5. Write a list of everything that annoyed you about your ex (If you’re reading this Mr X, I’m sorry but it was totally necessary). Carry it everywhere you go and read it to yourself any time you need to stop weeping uncontrollably. For example: • • •

Out the back of the shop I work in, after bursting into tears in front of a customer (awwwkward) When tramming past any vaguely significant landmarks (he once dropped a key in front of that 7/11….waaaaaaa) Drunkenly at a bar to people I had met that night (hellooooo crazy single girl).

6. Dance in your underwear. With high white socks on. And sneakers. To Nirvana. 7. Don’t write poetry. You will think it’s a good idea at first, and then read back what you wrote and judge yourself like a 14-year-old girl judges her self-worth by the length of her cut off short-shorts. I don’t know when or where or why I wrote this, but possibly somewhere between the Bottle-O and a park bench, this ended up in my notebook. “Trees whisper sweet nothings to each other about the moon. I try to paint your portrait in my memory to take with me, but I’m not a very good artist.” Hmm. I’m going to say I was going for a post-modernist sorta vibe. 8. It is physically impossible to cry whilst listening to Daddy Cool’s “Eagle Rock”. 9. The first time you see them after the break up is the hardest. For future reference, don’t go to that concert together that you already had tickets for. No amount of preparation will help you when you fall down the stairs of the Palais Theatre after crying for four songs straight by the Fleet Foxes. Actually, just don’t go to the Fleet Foxes. Their hauntingly beautiful music may as well be a plank of wood embedded with rusty nails beating your heart into a pile of pulpy flesh on the floor. Just saying. 10. People say there are stages of a break up. To be honest, I found absolutely no consistency whatsoever. There will be days where you feel like hanging a noose in front of the Vodka aisle at Dan Murphys, or rubbing yourself in hot butter and screaming at onlookers in Swahili. Then there will be days where you walk around listening to Aretha Franklin, snappin’ yo fingers at any male who looks in your direction in a “boy, you don’t know how to handle this—I am more woman than Nigella and Erin Brockovich put together” sort of manner. Whatever happens, just roll with it. It will end. I promise. You will move on and be OK and live to tell the tale. After all, squillions of people before you have done it. Including poor old, little old, me.

Teach for Australia BY AMY HAYWOOD

Teach for Australia (TFA) is a new graduate program. With the first batch of associates just finishing their placement, Amy Haywood talks with new teachers Michael Currie and Belinda Crowe.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Michael Currie is enjoying his holidays— and so he should be. The start of this year marks his graduation as a Teach for Australia Associate. At the end of two years of a full-time work and study he sat down with me to reflect on his time in the program. But first, what is TFA? The program takes top graduates from non-education disciplines and prepares them to teach for two years in disadvantaged schools, aiming is to combat educational inequity. In this role, associates tackle educational disadvantage student-by-student and class-by-class. At the end of placement they have earned a Postgraduate Diploma in Teaching. TFA’s vision extends beyond the classroom as well. All the associates will gain an intimate knowledge of the complexities and pitfalls of our education system. TFA’s hope is that graduates of the program will form alumni, which will be able to navigate educational change from their various standpoints in society. These are ambitious goals and only time will tell whether they are achievable. For now, I’m wondering is what motivated Currie to take on such a challenge. After school Currie made the big move down from Darwin to complete a Bachelor of Arts (Media and Communications) at the University of Melbourne. He applied for TFA after being convinced by a friend to attend an information session. Not long afterwards he was teaching a mixture of Years Eight to Ten English, Humanities and Media at Victoria University Secondary College’s Deer Park Campus. Being able to study and work at the same time was a great motivator for Currie. He muses that the practicality and hands-on nature of TFA was “particularly appealing after just completing an undergraduate degree that, while interesting and academically stimulating, had little practical application”. The application process is fairly rigorous. If you pass the online application, you will attend a group selection day. By the end of the day you will have sat through several interviews, been

involved in group scenarios, taken an aptitude test and even taught your own short lesson. Once selected, the first training is an initial six-week ‘intensive’, which Currie describes as ‘aptly named.’ He recounts those weeks where Monday to Friday were all 8am to 8pm days, with hours on the weekend and assignments outside of class as well. But there’s certainly a lot to motivate you, as “you want to learn as much as you can so you can be ready and prepared for day one.” Currie confirms my belief that TFA isn’t for the faint of heart. He definitely faced some challenging times in the first year: “You have university assignments due, behaviour management issues, exams to mark and reports to write; all this while also trying not to neglect friends and family and partners.” He does, however, assure me that it is in the “nature of teaching that these lows are almost always complemented with highs: seeing the ‘light bulb’ turn on in a student when they finally get something [or] having students tell you that you are their role model.” Belinda Crowe, another TFA Associate from the same year as Currie, cites fourth period on Friday as one of the most challenging parts of her teaching career. To combat this, she found that the most important attribute of a teacher is a willingness to adapt: “You can’t be precious when something isn’t going to plan. The best teachers are flexible. As a teacher you are a manager, a mentor, a crowd controller, a mediator, a negotiator, facilitator – all of these things, and then above all, at the end of every lesson you’re hoping that your students come away with something valuable.” Crowe applied for TFA with two University of Melbourne degrees under her belt: a Bachelor of Arts (Media and Communications) and a Masters in Commerce-Marketing. TFA was the challenge she’d been itching for as she realised that she “didn’t feel excited about selling an idea or brand.” Growing up with two

parents working in education, she was always encouraged to learn. After her TFA experience she explains that she is now more “highly aware that my education opened doors and gave me access to opportunities that not everyone has access to”. Over her two years at Sydenham’s Copperfield College Junior Campus, Crowe taught Years Seven to Ten English and English as a Second Language (ESL), SOSE and Literacy classes. In her second year of teaching, she was appointed campus Sports Co-ordinator and also spent time setting up an ESL program and ESL-specific learning space. She tells me that “teaching has small, wonderful, rewarding moments every day, and then longer-term rewards.” She recalls the story of one of her Year Eight students “who was getting into scraps at school, had a really difficult home life and had been suspended a number of times through the year. He was often disengaged and sent out of classrooms. Having him come in before school, to sit with me for over an hour going over his study for a test, then achieve an A and be really stoked-that’s an amazing reward.” TFA has encountered considerable criticism. Most of this commentary centres on the perceived lack of training; emphasis is stressed on the shortness of the “six week crash course.” I asked both Currie and Crowe their thoughts on these criticisms. Both felt the program had supported their learning and development as an effective teacher. They pointed out that the initial intensive training is much more thorough than a regular six week period of a university course and that it is complemented by extra training every holiday period as well as supervision from Clinical Specialists, Teaching and Learning Advisors and in-school mentors throughout the year. There is little doubt that this apprenticeship-style training is a radically new way of teaching educators. Crowe is quick to note that

this “isn’t a replacement model for the current education degree; it’s an alternative pathway, a different approach.” This varied approach seemed to suit Currie well. He found that he really appreciated being able to “constantly apply the studied skills and theories to practice.” He noted that when he spoke with teachers from all different types of teacher training he found that “the general comment is that you learn the most on the job.” He also points out that not every stakeholder has been given a voice in this argument: “the best people who can vouch for [TFA’s effectiveness] are the teachers, principals and, most importantly, the students who we have worked with and who have been extremely supportive. I think it is their voice that is lacking in this debate and needs to be heard.” Looking forward, both Currie and Crowe are pursuing careers in the education sector. Currie is teaching for the next six months and then will complete his Masters of Education in Europe in second semester. Crowe, on the other hand, has taken up a position as Talent and Attraction Manager at the University of Melbourne, a post that will allow her to continue with casual relief teaching, tutoring and sports coaching. Both Currie and Crowe describe TFA as an eye-opening experience. They have come face to face with how serious the education gap is in Australia. While both speak fondly of their small victories, their uplifting moments, their challenges and triumphs in the classroom, Crowe comments that to step back and look at the broader situation can be “a pretty sobering experience.” She can’t help but have “a much greater understanding of how difficult it will be to overhaul the public education system.” TFA is currently recruiting from all disciplines. Applications close Tuesday April 10th, 2012. For more information please see the TFA website, at teachforaustralia.org

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FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

PHOTO: NATASHA JANSZ

“A small prayer is uttered for no one to hear as he takes his tongue out of her mouth and lights another cigarette.” MEG WATSON—PAGE 53

FICTION

“We won’t kiss. But you’ll lick your lips when you look at mine.” SASHA BURDEN—PAGE 55

The Holiday Suite. BY LUKE PATTERSON

SARAH McCOLL

i. Thailand Midnight moonlight pissed on paradise. Don’t forget goggles (brand:

ii. Somewhere in Europe

Singah, Chang, or whatever’s in the bucket),

An accordion player’s fingers freeze. More foie gras? Merci.

fluoro spandex crab trap budgie

vi. Byron Bay

smugglers, an ounce of dignity to burn

like incense, and finally your slack tongued token Aussie accent.

iii. Family Farm Nothing says rustic like a golf cart but that’s Ok you still have cattle. Chickens bobbing about the morning glory. No pastoral story is complete without the summer squeeze and a mother’s love is like a duck that shits all over your privacy.

Don’t tell the Buddhist monk who spends his life free of attachment, in prayer, in solitude in search of inner peace & enlightenment– that he should have bought a combi van painted peace-out-paisley and moved to Byron.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

Fish Eyes. BY MEG WATSON

Earmuffs. BY DANIEL JONES

MATT McCARTHY

y sister is now deaf. We no longer fight over the car radio. Mum told me it happened in an accident. My sister doesn’t remember. She can still talk, but it sounds weird, like someone speaking with water in their mouth. Now we only hear her voice when she’s trying to get someone’s attention. Her old friends don’t come around for sleepovers anymore. I remember one day a girl came with her mother. They didn’t stay long. Most things are still the same, except my sister doesn’t get my dad’s jokes. They’re too hard to explain. Sometimes my mum forgets my sister is deaf and calls her name when she is looking for her. My sister is usually squished behind a couch reading, or sitting in the garden letting ants crawl up her fingers. She spends a lot of time by herself. I can sneak up and scare her really easily, but she doesn’t laugh. My grandparents still come over every Sunday. We still have roast chicken and cheesecake. They tell my mum that they have never heard of any deaf lawyers or doctors. I like looking at my sister watch Dragonball Z. It’s her favourite show. She doesn’t need subtitles, she understands what’s happening. When she watches she is crazy focused. If a volcano erupted right behind her, she

wouldn’t even notice, she’d still be watching Goku and Vegeta tussle in the sky. One day, behind the old paint cans in the shed, I found the yellow earmuffs my dad wore when he hired a chainsaw to cut down the gumtree in the backyard. I put them on and wore them the whole day. All I could hear were my thoughts. It was like I was all zipped up inside a sleeping bag or in outer space. At the beginning Dad booked us all in for sign language classes. But then he got too busy with work and couldn’t go. Mum didn’t want to go alone. The other day I found an internet site where you can learn sign language for free. The Australian sign language is called Auslan. You have to start with learning the alphabet all over again. It’s pretty hard but I’m getting there. I like the letter ‘B’, it looks like goggles. The first time I poked my sister on the shoulder so she could see me sign ‘I love you’, she cried. Most nights, after the lights have been turned out, I sneak into my sister’s bedroom, we sit cross legged on her Scooby-Doo doona, I put on the yellow earmuffs and she teaches me new signs. I sign very slowly, but she is patient. I don’t look at her mouth anymore when she signs, I love watching her hands. They’re always moving and so expressive, like another face.

MATT McCARTHY

“W

hat’s your most precious thing?” Lily asks him without looking, eyes fixed on the fish men. “Fuck off.” He half jokes it. But his arm is a meat-mallet around her thin waist and his head prickles the sky like the hot tar does their feet. Their bare arches fire up, alight with the remains of the day. Wet air dances in his lungs with the stale smoke, the dense remnants of urban dust. He breathes in a Peter Stuyvesant waltz. Her chest is just an emptied box of trinkets. Blonde fondlings tangle a braid down Lily’s back today. They tug and weigh her down, like a knotted sail. The hair grease meddles with the back sweat and she wonders if he can see the spreading tides of it under her arms. The fish men pack up their gear. They rip metal hooks through raw sea flesh and seal rust buckles on tackle boxes. They tread all rickety and unsure on the pier then cement their boots into humming beasts and sail home for tea. All the fish flounder and cry into their boxes. They flap, cooking themselves in the evening sun. They gasp, throwing their last watery breath to the wind. Sea bits froth at the banks and earth bits mix with clean strings of ocean. Lily watches it all. She watches

them live or die. The roads used to be wider than this, she thinks. She holds out her arms, as if to measure, but the air just lumbers at her with thick weights of human and salt. Sometimes Lily hunches over like a highway bend and her spine knuckles itself out of the skin like speed bumps. You can almost see them today. “Just kiss me,” he says. Everything is fish-eyed this close to her face. She closes her eyes and purses wet lips. Lily’s locket beats silently against her chest. It’s inscribed and cursive and calls her darling. It was a present from her father the day she turned three. A small prayer is uttered for no one to hear as he takes his tongue out of her mouth and lights another cigarette. The fish men slam their beast doors and soar home over the bumps and bends. They careen through the human air with thick knuckles that clench wheels. They feast and gnaw on the sea flesh with their hands. And after collecting their hot skins from the cooling tar, they breathe out the winds of their day. She watches them go, big and hot and alive. “What’s your most precious thing?” he asks. “You.” Lily half jokes it, but he smiles. The brief silence slips over her salty flesh like a cool breeze off the sea.

WORDS BY BINNY PARK:

Breakfast. I was sitting down for breakfast before work when a thought occurred to me: why do we slurp cereal so chronically? More thoughts followed: Is there a cure for it? What about psychotic soap-slipping and synchronised shoulder-slamming and ballistic bum-picking that I see happening every day on the streets, on the roof and on the platform where we meet? That same day I decided to have lunch standing up.

Summer Here, Summer Leaving.

I am a Duck.

BY ANDREW HEARL

blanket of summer fog lamenting its untimely entrance

encounters with mobile angels; trees left naked in sleep −

shoulder sparrow sitting then sinking – slivers of sunlight

I would like a slice of your tongue for my coloured head that’s placed peculiarly on a wooden curve, waxy and lined white, because

air curls into carbon wheels as hives stare lost words that dream. And

hapless grin draws from bub’s dribble that’s licked spotless by Baltimore sun

3 spoonfuls of Tetley’s tea, measured awkward in atoms, drifting −

long gone is yellow nights under winking clear skies – greet naked landscape

Apparitions of black masks cling to bodies that hide nothing. Their hats impressionably tall bulging noisy & into hellos.

with its serious face, summer etiolates velleity past

MATT McCARTHY

City Park.

those niggardly three seasons waiting while blowing saliva bubbles

Drops of winter play crystal in ripples like wrinkles, gently bursting into planes of myth. The moonscape gathers like cornstarch, whispering as the trees wince in cool fires that strobe their night-time goodbyes. While Monet sits to one side.

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

(for Brophy and his ducks)

my history has been replaced by misguided brushstrokes, careless and dull like the way the shavings of my bill fall to the floor.

How to be my girlfriend. BY SASHA BURDEN

e should meet somewhere trashy. You should be wearing something black and I’ll be drunk and we’ll kiss with too much tongue and I’ll wonder if I should bother calling you the next day. You could have tattoos, if you want. And maybe you’ll wear your hair like a 1950’s pin up girl but hate lipstick. You’ll be skinnier than I am, but I won’t mind because you don’t give a shit about body types. You’ll eat like a hungry fat kid and smoke all the time and wave your hands around when you talk and smoke will trail through the air. You could be vegan and laugh at me while I struggle not to eat icecream, and then you’ll hand me an Oreo and kiss me with chocolate in your teeth. Or maybe you’ll just really fucking love parmas and beer, and that’s all you eat. Either one is ok. You’ll call me up a week after we first meet and I’ll have been forgetting about you. You’ll tell me to meet you at some hidden bar in the city and I’ll be really nervous at first but you’ll text me straight after I hang up with a message that says, “don’t be a pussy”. I’ll wear slutty underwear (just in case) and you’ll be wearing shoes that are too high and I’ll admire the way you never seem to get tired walking in them. We won’t kiss. But you’ll lick your lips when you look at mine. You’ll order me a drink without asking what I want and ignore me when I try and give you money. You’ll make me buy the next drink though, and it’ll probably be more expensive than the first, but I won’t mind.

We’ll get on the tram together heading towards my place and we’ll pretend we’re not really going back to mine. You’ll make me get off at Safeway to buy icy poles and pear cider and we’ll be walking back to my house when we see a construction site. I’ll start climbing the fence as a joke but you’ll grab my ankle on the way up and pull yourself up too. We’ll climb the scaffoldings and you’ll take off your shoes and laugh at me when I tell you to watch for broken glass. We’ll be drunk and my make up will be smeared and you’ll kiss me without warning and it’s not romantic but it’s spontaneous and your breasts will press against mine. We’ll climb onto the roof and I’ll start worrying about getting caught and you’ll take your top off. You’ll go down on me as I look at the stars until I get too nervous about someone seeing us. We’ll stumble back to mine and I’ll give you a piggy back for the last one hundred meters because you’re too drunk to walk and I’ll slam you against the door and kiss you and your hair will be long and black and my eyelids will throb. We’ll never officially ask one another out but you’ll introduce yourself as my girlfriend one day and I won’t notice until I do too a week later. You’ll own three cats and we’ll make lesbian puns and ignore the felines as they watch us have sex in the bathtub.

We’ll lie in bed all day and I’ll get angry when you put clothes on and you’ll tell me to write about you more and when I get a story about you published you’ll be the first to buy me flowers. You’ll miss my university graduation, however. And I’ll start flirting with a guy in college and I’ll catch you doing heroin one day and I’ll start to worry that I’ve got HIV or hepatitis and you’ll tell me to get fucked and you’ll end up in hospital one night and you won’t tell me and I won’t trust you anymore and I’ll buy you lilies and you’ll leave them on your doorstep until they fall to pieces. You’ll break my heart if you want to. But I’ll just be so happy to have been in love again - it won’t hurt too much. Later in life I’ll think back and still won’t believe why someone as enchanting as you fell in love with me. But then I’ll remember that you didn’t just endanger your own life but mine. And it won’t sting so much.

PHOTO: NATASHA JANSZ

{OPINION}

2012 POLITICAL PREDICTIONS WITH CHRISTINE TODD

sylum Seeker Debate: A compromise between the major parties will be found when Nauru is glued to Malaysia, and then brought onshore to Australia. The Battlers: Studies will reveal there are approximately eight actual battlers in Australia. One of them will be the mate of a mate, and he doesn’t get what all the fuss is about. Carbon Pricing Scheme: Hard-working battlers such as mining magnates Gina Rinehart and Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest will be forced to bow down to the powers of Climate Change Science while experiencing a Big Fat Tax on both of their houses. Businesses that are not even remotely attached to the carbon pricing scheme will blame the carbon tax

ILLUSTRATION: STEVE GODDEN

in justifying unnecessary price increases. Last year, a liquor store attached a 20% price increase to a six-pack of beer, blaming a carbon tax that wasn’t due to be implemented until 1 July 2012. Cheeky buggers. Climate Change: Will stop dead in its tracks. Growth rate: Global instability will see Australia experience a decrease in its economic growth rate, with a $4 billion reduction in economic output as compared to the last growth forecast in September. This will mean that… hey, a dancing banana! Polling Data: Upon plugging all relevant polling data into the 2012 political trend system, the figures will reveal that polls go up, then polls go down. Then polls go up, then polls go down.

It actually makes a fine drinking game if you’re a dedicated political type. Question Time: The Speaker of the House will burst an arterial vein attempting to keep the house in order. In keeping with tradition, MPs will spend a minimum of 46 minutes blaming their opposition counterpart for the event as the Speaker bleeds out all over the green carpet. Tony Abbott: In an unexpected turn of events, Abbott stands for something other than whatever the opposite of ALP policy is. In October, he will be bitten by an angry left-wing crab while completing the swim leg of a triathlon. Same Sex Marriage: It’ll be legalised and angry little conservative leprechauns everywhere will bark at the moon before falling

over in an almost orgasmic fury. Unrequited Love: Popular Herald Sun columnist, Andrew Bolt will finally admit to an ongoing infatuation with Tony Abbott. In an open statement on his blog, Bolt states, “never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.” Wilkie (Andrew): Following the failure of the Gillard government to commit to comprehensive gambling reform, the independent federal MP will struggle with a severe case of RDS (Relevance Deprivation Syndrome), the same debilitating illness that plagued both the Australian Democrats and the Nationals.

SEND THE GREEN SHIT AWAY JOHN STEWELL

ILLUSTRATION: LENA LY

t the 2011 Labor National Party Conference delegates voted to overturn the Labor Party’s policy of banning uranium exports to India. It was a debate that split the party down the middle. In the end, 206 delegates voted in favour of exporting uranium to India while 185 opposed it. In the lead up to the vote, critics argued strongly against the reform. What exactly were their objections? You may well ask. It wasn’t that India was starting a nuclear energy program. India already has a nuclear energy program that contributes significantly to its domestic electricity supply. It wasn’t due to India starting a nuclear weapons program. India already has a nuclear weapons program that has been in place since the 1980s. The answer lies in a supposedly principled objection to India being a non-signatory of the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT). High profile frontbenchers such as Anthony Albanese and Peter Garrett argued passionately about the dangers inherent in a non-signatory state gaining access to Australian uranium. This heated disagreement revealed an inescapable truth about the nuclear debate: that people feel more comfortable falling back on nice-sounding international agreements than engaging in rational debate. The end result was India’s depiction as a country of war mongering savages by some of our leading politicians. It’s a myth too commonly accepted that the NPT stands for the abolition of nuclear weapons. Yet it is almost completely forgivable for someone to believe this, given the collective fist shaking of the wider community every time India, Pakistan, North Korea or Israel carry out nuclear testing. Subscription to the NPT gives most countries the moral high ground on the topic of nuclear weapons. After all, if 189 countries, including every global super-power, have signed and ratified the Non-Proliferation Treaty, then it necessarily follows that the agreement is fair and sensible, right? Sadly, this is where many who are interested in nuclear-centered debates end their (un)critical thinking. The NPT came into force

in 1970 and forbids any state from developing a nuclear arsenal – that is, any state except the five that already had them in 1970, namely the USA, Britain, France, China and Russia. While it strictly prohibits other states from developing or seeking to develop nuclear weapons, these super-powers are only ‘encouraged’ to disarm their weapons. How effective has this been? In the mid-1990s Britain replaced its decommissioned stock with nuclear Trident

The reality is that those who condemn Australia’s export of uranium to India do so out of a xenophobic belief that India is less capable of responsibly handling nuclear material than other states. submarines, and in 2007 the USA developed new weapons to replace its old Cold War stash. It’s safe to say these countries are pretty happy with their arrangements under the NPT. In essence the NPT does not stand for the disarmament of nuclear weapons. If super-powers such as the USA and China are able to replenish their stock with new and upgraded, ever more dangerous nuclear weapons, why do Australian NPT advocates jump down the throat of India for being a nonsignatory? Somehow India, Pakistan, Iran and Israel, as non-signatories to this inherently biased agreement have developed the reputation of being morally bankrupt and incapable of managing nuclear weapons in the same way as the old guard. Do the supporters of the NPT honestly believe that the USA, China or Russia would be signatories of the NPT now had they have not secured their favourable position of nuclear immunity in 1970? Of course, anyone who has spent more than two minutes looking at the NPT already knows about these loopholes. The reality is that those who condemn Australia’s export of

FARRAGO — EDITION ONE 2012

uranium to India do so out of a xenophobic belief that India is less capable of responsibly handling nuclear material than other states. Evidence for this was ubiquitous leading up to and through the debate at the National Labor Party Conference. Victorian Senator Gavin Marshall kickstarted the propaganda campaign through the local press in November 2011, playing up the likelihood of apocalyptic war between the supposedly diplomatically inept states of India and Pakistan. According to Senator Marshall the most recent detonation from India included a ‘thermonuclear device’ (the technical term given when you want to make weapons sound especially heinous) with three times the yield of the “Little Boy” bomb used in Hiroshima during World War II. Yes, that’s right. India now has three times the nuclear capability that the USA had in the 1940’s. Shock, horror. Senator Doug Cameron of the left Labor faction went as far as suggesting that the Labor Party had a responsibility to act as a “light on the hill”, as if Australia and its allies should act as moral arbiters for the rest of the world. The implication was clear: the NPT should be taken as gospel (to continue Cameron’s Puritan metaphor), and if you provide uranium to those untrustworthy Indians, who fight with Pakistan like rowdy siblings, you’ll have blood on your hands. Never mind the fact that India has developed nuclear weapons for the last forty years and never used one offensively. People should know that the NPT is not the virtuous multilateral agreement that it is often believed it to be. True supporters of a nuclear free future (here’s looking at you, Mr.Marshall, Mr.Cameron et al.) should target countries with institutionalized immunity for weapons development (the USA, Britain, China, France, Russia), rather than those countries that openly reject what is a skewed treaty at best. Supporters of democracy and sovereignty should give three cheers to Labor for ending an era of utter priggishness and collusion against the largest democracy in the world.

ISSUES CHEAT SHEET WITH DANIELLE KUTCHEL

THE ISSUE To house or not to house; that is the question consuming Parliament at the moment. What do we do with our asylum seekers while we process them?

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

THE PLAYERS

Anna Morrison spotted the stunning fact that only one head can match the planetary girth of Newt Gingrich, and that’s the deflated basketball that is Glyn Davis’ head.

WHO’S COMING TO DINNER? WITH KATE CROWHURST Picture the scene: Your typical Thursday night in Melbourne. What the weather is, I won’t speculate; this is Melbourne, after all, so there could anything from a gale to a heatwave inflicted on us within 24 hours. Through the wind and the rain and the storm and the flood I can feel the approach like a fire in my blood. No, it isn’t Bonnie Tyler with mad 80s hair, but our federal politicians stalking up the driveway, eyeing each other like Edward Cullen with blood-lust as they find themselves attending the same dinner party. The dinner party will be hosted by Julia Gillard. Through many intense caucus meetings and secret preference deals she has managed to bring some very expensive cheese to the party. What else do you expect from Wayne Swan, who any reasonable person wouldn’t let sit next to them on the bus, let alone plan a dinner party budget. Adam Bandt (Greens member for Parkville) emerges from under the table. His face quite rightly paints a picture of self-loathing after joining and representing the party he labelled ’bourgeois’ . Tony Abbott rocks up suitably dressed in Speedos and swim cap. When Nicola Roxon provides her most effective contribution to politics by being sick in the corner, (in reaction to the budgie smugglers; not her own status as a rejected particle in the circle of life) he changes into something he feels far more comfortable wearing. A priest’s robes provide him with full reign to push his moral values onto others. His He insists all say grace before din-

ner. Following closely behind is Malcolm Turnbull who, despite bringing pizza with him (the only practical and cost-effective alternative to Julia’s tax-payer funded cheese) is paradoxically labelled ‘out of touch’ with his middle class constituents because of his profitable legal career. By a room full of politicians with legal backgrounds. As they all sit down to dinner an angry man called Andrew Wilkie steals the potatoes and refuses to give them back unless Julia talks to him. Luckily, smooth Malcolm plays the The Whitlams on his brand new iPhone4S and Andrew sings along to “Blow up the Pokies”. The only other threat to three years of political insanity and media white-wash coverage of politics comes in the 15th century moral-compass form of Bob Katter, Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott, who cackle as they circle in on the political dinner table. And as the dinner party draws to an end, it becomes clear that something is wrong with the Australian political system to have delivered such a round of bottomfeeders to the political dinner table. It should, therefore, be left to Melbourne’s unpredictable weather system to deliver judgement on the pollies. I recommend drowning the Greens in a monsoon so they can be at one with the whales, pushing Labor into a gale so they can sample the ‘Aussie battler’ life they claim to speak for, and abandoning the Liberals to the desert heat so they can decide which capitalisation of “L” or “l” best speaks for their party.

The Australian Government (Labor Party), the Australian Opposition (Liberal Party)

THE PROBLEM Year round, asylum seekers arrive in Australia, fleeing from persecution in their home countries and hoping to share in our first-world privileges. Current federal policy (in line with the Migration Act of 1958) decrees that all asylum seekers who do not have valid visas, whether they arrive on the mainland or offshore in places such as Christmas Island, must be held in immigration detention while their asylum claim is processed. Those who arrive offshore are unable to apply for a visa unless the Minister for Immigration personally allows it. Understandably then, detention centres such as the one on Christmas Island are filling up, leading to calls for an alternative form of processing.

THE SOLUTION? Enter the Federal Government’s Malaysia Solution. In May 2011, the Gillard government announced a deal with the Malaysian government that would see Australia receive 4000 refugees (accepted asylum seekers) from Malaysia in exchange for 800 of our unprocessed immigrants. However, the High Court overruled this decision, declaring it invalid as Malaysia has not signed the Refugee Convention and thus has no obligation to provide basic human rights to asylum seekers. A documented history of human rights abuses also supported the decision. The Government’s Plan B was to either establish a processing centre in East Timor (a plan discouraged by the East Timorese government) or reopen the Manus Detention Centre in Papua New Guinea. This Centre was used by John Howard as part of his Pacific Solution, whereby asylum seekers were not allowed to land on the Australian mainland, and were transported instead to detention centres on Pacific island nations including Nauru, Christmas Island and Manus Island while awaiting processing. The Liberal Party supports offshore processing in the Pacific and will reinstate the Pacific Solution if they win power. Interestingly, the Gillard government in late December announced that they would consider reopening the Nauru Detention Centre if the Opposition threw their support behind legislation that would allow the government to circumvent the High Court’s ruling against the Malaysia Solution and implement it. The policies would work concurrently to increase Australia’s asylum seeker intake, and speed up processing. While offshore regional processing, as in Malaysia, could act to deter people-smugglers from approaching Australia for fear of being sent to a third country, the Pacific Solution enables a greater capacity for processing the thousands of asylum seekers who arrive in Australia each year. The current Malaysia Solution provides only for 800 immigrants. This provision would have to be increased in order for the policy to be viable long-term. The issue of asylum seeker processing is sure to be a hot topic when Parliament resumes on February 7th.

Winner 2012 Student Diary Cover Competition Theme: ‘being a student – what it means to you’

Congratulations to Ignacio Rojas-Corral, PhD candidate, History & Visual Arts student with his artwork entitled ‘Hybrid realities’. Find out more about the work and the artist on page one of your 2012 Student Diary and in MUSSE, edition 81, out March 7.

The 2013 competition will open at the end of September – look out for further details later this year in Notices on your Student Portal, Farrago, the Office of the Provost website at http://www.provost.unimelb.edu.au and locations across campus.

Student Diary Cover Competition Communications, Office of the Provost http://www.provost.unimelb.edu.au

FEELING A LITTLE QUEER WITH HOMO ERECTUS Re: Melbourne Queer Film Festival Dear Homos, Homettes, Homewreckers, Hominids, Homeowners, FansOfBlyton, White people should NEVER wear yellow. You can thus understand my disappointment and rage in discovering I had to wear an illfitting canary yellow t-shirt. Yes, let’s make everyone look pasty just to highlight how much more attractive all the brown people in the room are. Clearly, no gay was consulted in the colour swatch process. I can say with absolutely no certainty that a denim vest/sensible-shoewearing lesbian was responsible. I will cast that aspersion based on stereotype. Negativity out of the way, Homo is back. This excites me, possibly no one else. But whatev, I am happy to be here. This time, however, we’re all about umbrella terms. Less Homo on homos, more Homo on queers. ‘Queer’ is the word du moment and, ever the trendsetter/ sheep, less focus is on me. Narcissism is dead, people. With that in mind, I have four words for you: Melbourne. Queer. Film. Festival. Separately, these are four things I like. When placed together, they conglomerate into awesomeness. I only discovered Melbourne Queer Film Festival (MQFF for those in the know) last year*, but it’s been around since 1991, making it one of the oldest queer film festivals in the world. In 2011, Homo volunteered at MQFF. Despite the hideous yellow uniform, it was an absolute blast and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys a cheeky BJ in the disabled bathroom at ACMI. Most volunteer as ushers/

bar workers and this is what Homo did. Not the most thrilling of jobs normally, but at MQFF it is super fun. The people you work with are hilarious, hot and, most importantly, incredibly nice. The patrons are hilarious, hot and, most importantly, incredibly nice. And there is just a fuckload of eye candy, no matter what your orientation/gender/gender neutrality/fetish/whatever. I was lucky enough to be volunteering at the festival launch at the Astor Theatre. There were naked candymen, drag queens, drag kings, the token straight, supportive PFLAG mums and the dulcet tones of the lovely Jade Leonard singing classy lounge jazz**. I spilled a glass of wine on a dude, subsequently realising he had once offered to fuck me in the alleyway behind a house party. I politely declined his generous offer at the time, so it was with some awkwardness that I found myself dabbing at his chest with a serviette, while his asymmetrically-coiffed manfriend shot me seething looks. At the end of the film, everyone ‘came out’ of the cinema, where a DJ was playing the standard gay anthems – Kylie, Whitney, Elton, Kylie, Lady Gaga and Kylie. We volunteers were encouraged to mingle. I spotted a sexy babe and immediately went to introduce myself. From the back all I could see was immaculate black quiff, crisp white shirt, perfectly fitted black vest and pants. H.O.T. I was somewhat surprised to find that this babe was in fact a gorgeous woman with phenomenal bone structure. In the spirit of queer, we danced like no one was watching. Slight fail during a Celine ballad when we both tried to lead, but all was good fun. MQFF goes for ten days - in 2012 from 15-25 March. In 2011, I was lucky enough

to see six films across a range of genres. If you volunteer, you get two free tickets for each shift you do. The selection of films is diverse and the quality outstanding. There are slapstick comedies, compelling documentaries, dramas and romcoms – everything you expect from mainstream cinema. There are films from every corner of the world – China, South Africa, Peru, USA, France. The other great thing about MQFF is that there are lots of surprises along the way. I had just seen a hilarious Quebecois film with my French mate when Mum rang to tell me she couldn’t make the session for the Chilean film we’d booked to see. I managed to persuade said Frenchman to do a back-to-back viewing. We had an hour to wait and decided that whisky was the answer. Both a little tipsy, we went into the session where I spent the next two hours with Frenchman’s hand between my thighs. Being stood up by your mum – not such a bad thing. In all seriousness, MQFF is a blast. Head to www.mqff.com.au for ticket information, session times, how to become a member, signing up to volunteer and other ways you can support the festival. You might even meet a new lover or four! Lovingly, Homo Erectus * I blame the MQFF marketing intern. ** Highly recommend checking this bodacious lady out. Great voice, wonderful performer, general lovely babe.

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Life S’port: “Tennis, a self-serving sport” (optional title if you need one) By Kevin Hawkins

TENNIS: A SELFSERVING SPORT WITH KEVIN HAWKINS

very Monday morning I get asked the same question: “How’d ya go on the weekend?” Despite the potentially ambiguous nature of the query, I always know what the questioner is referring to; sport, of course. Has there ever been a more appropriate conversation starter to kick-off the week? Having played my fair share of grassroots sports, I know all too well that banter about my weekend results is but a shallow pretext. When one enquires as to how another performed over the weekend, they are not merely filling up the empty void of dialogue with meaningless small talk. On the contrary, they are subtly prodding their neighbour, eager to identify where their priorities lie. Say, for instance, I respond with my personal results: “Yeah, pretty good mate. Picked up four wickets.” From that answer alone, the questioner might suspect I am the reincarnation of Narcissus, that I participate in team sports for personal glory alone. The team is evidently of no importance to me; a win or loss is merely a subplot in the game of me. Alternatively I could draw emphasis on the team’s performance, forgoing any mention of my own involvement. This is rarely the response desired by the questioner; indeed, what passive observer is genuinely interested in the performance of Blackburn’s 3rd XI? As such, the implication here is that I have been a liability to my team, that my personal performance was so poor that I have resorted to using the mudguard of Blackburn to protect myself from public humiliation. Of course, this is not necessarily the case. Perhaps I’m proud of my club? Perhaps I’m

proud of my compatriots? Perhaps I’m one of Australia’s last remaining humble sportsmen? Yet in glossing over personal achievements one runs the risk of missing out on well-deserved praise. Before you know it, your moment is gone; it’s time to return the favour and throw the identical question back to the enquirer. The pride of recording your personal best sprint time or hitting your first hole-in-one loses its relevance; the best you can hope is that your friend was proactive enough to have found your feats listed in the fine print of the local paper. The sum total of this analysis presents an intriguing dilemma of whether individual achievement takes precedence over team glory. The complexity of the situation no doubt plagues many amateur sportsmen across this nation on a weekly basis. Tennis players are a notable exception, specifically those of the singles variety. As a sport where individual performance is most often directly related to overall results, tennis breaks the line between independence and dependence. With half a court all to yourself, you can scarcely afford to have a bad day at the office. If you fail, then ‘team you’ fails with it. Unlike the overt team environments of soccer or netball, one can’t expect group unity to blanket individual deficiencies. In soccer, for example, a player with wonky accuracy can get away with their defect if they consistently chip the ball to more skillful teammates. Tennis, on the other hand, affords no such luxury; if you can’t serve, the scoreboard is going to bring your flaw to the fore pretty fast. From there, the only way out

is self-discipline, self-motivation, and selfimprovement. You can grumble all you like about tennis and its accompanying hubbub, but tennis is not a sport for the mediocre. Forget the tantrums, orgasmic grunts and destroyed racquets; tennis players have one of the toughest gigs going around in the sporting world. Not only is every game, set and match a face-off against an imposing opponent and a gang of incompetent ball-boys, but also a wrestle against the greatest enemy of all. The harshest critic. The most adoring fan. Oneself. If that sounds like the kind of hackneyed retort you’re accustomed to hearing during post-match courtside interviews, there’s a reason for that. Like the sporting performance itself, the tennis player’s personality and media involvement is similarly critiqued. In off-field tennis, there is no room for awkwardness or camera shyness; after a win, one is obliged to participate in a routine celebratory moment (a jump in the air or fall to the ground) for the cameras. In football, where 48 players share the field and media passes are aplenty, no single individual has to deal with the monopoly of media attention. In tennis, the distractions are few; it’s just you, your opponent and Jim Courier. Of course, in grassroots tennis there is no Jim Courier, not to mention cameras or crowds. The demands on the individual nevertheless largely remain the same, the most striking difference being that singles results can often contribute to overall club scores. Not that you’d ever hear much about the club’s weekend fortunes anyway; only the hopeless players ever bother to mention it.