OPENING YOUR HEART TO POSSIBILITY

OPENING YOUR HEART TO POSSIBILITY

BY AMY HORTON

I’m learning a lot about myself right now, painful as that may be. I choose to share it with all of you in the hopes that it resonates, inspires the desire to explore, or at the very least gives you a chuckle. My latest life lesson involves truly opening my heart and giving and what that means to me as a person.

I feel a compulsion to help others in need, especially those I know personally. It’s something that’s in me. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Sometimes, though, those good intentions don’t work out the way I hope and I end up feeling silly or rash. For someone who overthinks everything, I actually feel silly and rash a lot of the time. I have a lot of regrets right now about how I’ve handled some things, and I know that all I can do is learn from that and try to grow… and keep from repeating those mistakes.

When it comes to those around me, my friends and family, I can honestly give without wanting anything in return. I want them to be happy, but get embarrassed if they try to thank me or point out what I’ve done. I just want to do something nice that makes those I care about joyful. In a romantic relationship, I have a harder time with that. I get sad and disappointed if I don’t get what I gave in return. Why is that? What is the insecurity within me that causes me to feel so unstable with men, even those who love me like crazy and would never purposefully hurt me?

I could go on and on with theories about my abandonment issues and problems with my mother and how they translate into how I handle my relationships now. It’s not important. What’s important is recognizing them, learning, and moving forward.

The second element of opening my heart is being open to different possibilities for my life. I’ve always had strong opinions, but the truth is that I’ve changed them fairly often in my adult life. I’m discovering that strength lies not necessarily in sticking to your guns, but embracing the idea that you, and what you want, may change. I’m clinging to fear of the future and the unknown, and I think that’s where my stubborn attitude about certain issues stems. I can have opinions and thoughts without judging the choices of others. I can forgive myself if what I end up being happy with isn’t what I thought it would be. It’s okay. That’s life.

I’ve realized that when I picture my future, I have no idea what it is, or what I really want. That’s scary, but also liberating. I can stop putting myself in some sort of box and start listening to the world around me, my own heart, and really opening up to opportunities that perhaps aren’t what I thought they would be. It’s scary, thinking that I might change my mind on life issues that I never imagined I would. On the other hand, it can be exciting. I just want to be happy. I think we all do, deep down.

Open your heart. Sometimes the results may be painful, but you will experience pain in life no matter what. You can’t win if you don’t try, and you will never know true happiness if you won’t take the risk of being open, and vulnerable, and honest. It isn’t easy, but who wants an existence where you just go through the motions?