16 minute read
LEANING
PART TWO IN A SERIES ON GRIEF BY SHAUNA CALDWELL WITH G. NEIL PARKER. IN THE PREVIOUS ARTICLE, SHAUNA INTRODUCED THE HARD WORK OF COPING WITH LOSSES AND CHANGES. WE LOOKED AT SELF-CARE FOR YOUR BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT. IN THIS ARTICLE, SHE EXAMINES ACCEPTING LOSSES AND CHANGES IN OUR LIFE AND UNDERSTANDING THE FEELINGS ASSOCIATED WITH THIS PROCESS.
The unexpected, tragic deaths of our twin sons, Jordan and Evan, dropped me into a dark hole— which King David aptly named “the valley of the shadow of death.” It is a foreboding and unfamiliar place. It is inky black with a high ceiling that blocks out any light. I fumbled through my days in its shadow. The anvil that dropped on my chest each morning was my body’s reaction to the reality that I struggled to accept.
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It’s OK that things are not OK.
In Jerry Sittser’s book, A Grief Disguised, he recounts the loss of his wife, mother, and four-year-old daughter in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Sittser’s experience resonates with mine. He was acquainted with the terrible darkness. He describes a dream in which he found himself running frantically toward a setting sun, trying to hold onto its light and warmth, only to have the sun vanish over the horizon. He was left alone in the darkness. As he sat with his dream, Sittser decided to turn back and “walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it.” He decided to “embrace [his] grief and to be transformed by [his] suffering” rather than to think he could dodge his sorrow.
Walking into the darkness rather than attempting to escape it plunged me into a foreign, complex world of emotional pain. In your grief (remember: grief = losses + changes), you may have a sense that your emotional, as well as your physical self, is betraying you. This response is normal.
In the first year of my grief, I tried to express how I felt. It’s like struggling to get dressed in the dark. After much fumbling around, I realize that my sweater is inside out, and my head is through the armhole! Finally, once dressed, I am perplexed to discover that the sweater is too small and that it is 100% wool. My grief is so tight, itchy and uncomfortable. My grief is a bursting dam; my feelings sweep into every crevice of the void created by my loss. The feelings associated with grief are disorienting and distressing. When people say, “it’s going to be okay,” I scream, “it’s is not going to be okay!”
Whether your challenges relate to bereavement, unemployment, strained relationships, physical or mental health, financial instability or lack of support, you may feel helpless, out of control, and afraid. Permit yourself to feel what you are feeling. It is important to sit with your grief. It’s okay that things are not OK, but if you are drowning, talk to your doctor and a grief counsellor. They can help.
Fear and anger
My grief-related fears have been both rational and irrational. One time, while preparing to leave for a vacation, I became intensely afraid. I anticipated that while I was absent, I would lose another loved one by death. It took a Herculean effort to get out our front door. I wept uncontrollably on the way to the airport.
Following the death of his wife, C.S. Lewis wrote: “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” He started to feel a fluttering stomach, a tightening throat, and restlessness. His wife had been the axis upon which his whole world turned. Now that she was gone, Lewis asked, “who am I now?” Lewis laid bare his feelings when he wrote in A Grief Observed, “Her absence is like the sky spread over everything.”
I have discovered that fear and anger travel in tandem. Although anger feels like a dominant emotion, it is not. It stands like a bodyguard over my more vulnerable feelings. Anger shields the fragile fears I find hard to own. Instead of being vulnerable about the fears I feel, I protect them by getting angry: at people, myself, God, a disease, or even institutions.
I’ve experienced a variety of fears:
Fear of a lost identity: Who am I now? I feel tentative. I’m afraid I’ll keep diminishing as a person as things are stripped away. I wonder who I am at my very core. I feel a strange loneliness.
Fear of abandonment: I feel abandoned by God. Why did he let this happen? I wonder if my friends will leave me because they feel uncomfortable with my loss and its changes.
Fear of being labelled: I feel the stigma of being “that parent” who lost two sons in a high-profile accident. Others may feel embarrassment: “he’s that guy who’s still out of work,” or isolation: “she’s the one whose marriage is on the rocks.” If another’s judgment of you displaces your identity, you can lose yourself.
Fear of losing my mind: I feel as though I’m going crazy! The “not understanding” and the “not being heard” are deeply wounding. Spiritual truth has been my sanity. It is a discipline to see scripture as God’s plumb line in my grief. I’ve faced many fears over time and have begun to let God comfort me. As God showed me my fears, he came alongside me.
So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you ... Isaiah 41: 10 NIV
My Posture
I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve been working on my posture since our boys died. No, it’s not that I’m squaring up my shoulders or holding up my chin. I am leaning. It’s not an intuitive stance, but it is an essential thing to do.
You cannot “feel your way into a new way of feeling.” You can only become acquainted with your feelings and then chose to “act your way into a new way of feeling.” This posture is challenging, perhaps impossible, if you decided to do so on your own. Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. Psalm 55:22 NIV
Lean into your grief
Leaning is the opposite of running, numbing, medicating, stuffing, fencing-off, closing-up or shutting down. I have to allow myself to be emotionally authentic as I process my losses and changes. Why? Because I want to come through grief, allowing it to have its full effect so that I become deeper, stronger, wiser, more loving, kinder, more thoughtful and compassionate.
The healthiest way to navigate grief is to run toward it, not away from it. It is common to hear people speaking about needing “closure” for their grief. Closure is a human effort to make sense of sorrow in the hope that the pain will disappear —because I’ve made sense of it. There is no such thing as closure in grief. Grief is messy. It can’t be tied up with a bow and put away; it will always be with you. Over time though, you gradually experience reconciliation in grief. You never move on, but you can positively move forward.
Leaning involves being vulnerable and allowing significant people into the mess of your grief. To have an open and receptive posture toward others will enable them to enter your pain gently. Leaning is learning to be honest with God. It makes so much sense to be angry with God when things hurt, and life is hard. I’ve wailed and beat upon his chest and then was enveloped with his presence. When I invite Jesus into the chaos, I discover perspective, quiet, comfort, guidance, hope, love and courage. Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lam. 3: 22-23NIV
Embracing Grief
Dorothy Hunse, Director of the Charles J. Taylor Centre for Chaplaincy and Spiritual Care, Acadia Divinity College, puts it succinctly: “Grief needs to be embraced ... and grief needs to be shared.” Dr. Hunse goes on to say: “Within the church, we sometimes think that if we truly have faith in God, we shouldn’t need to grieve. We turn grief avoidance into a spiritual badge of honour. And yet, turning into [our] grief, giving space and time to it, choosing to welcome it, is the only way through it. Another way to say this is ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ Matthew 5:4 NIV. ”
It is my experience that only Jesus can lift the heavy anvil off my chest. Also, he brings people along to help with the heavy lifting.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:8 NIV
Next month in “What do you do with the mad you feel?” we explore what to do when you can’t rid yourself of the anger you feel due to loss.
SHAUNA CALDWELL lives in Calgary with Jason, her husband of 26 years. In one calendar year, they were gifted with three children – Katie, Jordan and Evan. Parenting “Irish triplets” provided opportunity to learn to cling to Christ for needed daily strength. Katie is now a medical school student. Shauna’s twins graduated to heaven in 2016, after a dreadfully public accident. The Caldwells own a small IT company. Shauna serves on two boards: Cornerbend Ministries and Youth for Christ. Shauna is grateful to her Uncle, G. Neil Parker, for his significant editorial assistance with her writing.
A model of humility and servanthood
Words of appreciation to Randy Friesen on behalf of the National Ministry Team
The NMT is deeply grateful for the unique and valued contribution that Randy Friesen has made to the ministry of our Canadian MB family over the past decades of his service. Randy joined us in working to develop a new “collaborative model” early in the process and it became evident to everyone that he brought a vital perspective and gift mix to the table.
Randy has modelled for us all what it means to keep Jesus Christ and His Lordship central in our leadership. In our deliberations, there have been many times where opinions differed, and a sense of uncertainty weighed heavy on us. At these times the Lord often used Randy to bring clarity about what the Spirit was saying to the church. Randy’s prophetic leadership was and is consistently marked by a deep sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and to the community. He models humility and servanthood.
We are also deeply grateful for the clear call to mission that Randy has brought to our community. His knowledge and evident passion for the global MB church bubbles over into almost every conversation. Randy’s was often the voice reminding us of God’s missional heart as the NMT sought to work through matters of structure and governance. We pray that his contribution in this regard will remain strong for years to come.
Finally, the members of the NMT are deeply grateful for Randy’s authenticity and vulnerability among us. These attributes became especially evident through the painful Multiply demerger that unfolded two years ago. Throughout this process, we watched and listened as Randy sought to be respectful and gracious when his leadership was evaluated and found wanting in areas. He received criticism, sought to acknowledge mistakes and humbly submitted to the decisions of the community. Through it all, Randy has constantly reminded us of his love for the MB family and his deep faith and conviction that God’s hand is on us for a good and wonderful purpose.
Randy Friesen is a dear brother and friend who has encouraged us, inspired us and taught us much of what it means to walk through trials with humility and grace. We bless him, Marjorie and his family as they enter a season of rest and reflection. We are eager to see what the Lord has in store and pray that God will continue to use him mightily among us.
An open letter to MB church leaders
In late March 2021, an open letter circulating on the internet was brought to the attention of our MB leadership. The letter was written in response to Artisan Church’s request for release from the British Columbia Conference of MB Churches. As of publication, there were 517 names of individuals associated with the letter. The letter is presented in its entirety below, followed by a response from the National Faith and Life Team.
Dear members and leaders of the MB church in Canada,
Greetings from your sisters and brothers across Canada! In this season of annual general meetings (AGMs), our congregations, provinces, and national conference are gathering to make many important decisions together. We pray that God’s Spirit will encourage the churches and fill us with wisdom, grace, and peace.
These conversations can be rich and rewarding, but they can also be challenging. We are aware that, following Artisan Church’s recent Milestone Statement on LGBTQ+ Inclusion and at their request, the BCMB churches have been asked to release Artisan Church from their membership. We do not take the recommendation lightly.
That decision is BCMB’s to make, and churches across Canada will be praying for you. Releasing Artisan Church may be the best for everyone concerned, but the pain of that loss will still be felt beyond your borders. If you do determine that it is necessary to part ways, Artisan’s official ties with the national church and their sister churches across Canada will also be severed. Know that we will weep with you. And if you find a way to preserve relationship and connection, we will rejoice with you.
We also know that our national conference will need to have this conversation too. As we prepare for upcoming times of gathering and decision-making, we, the undersigned, ask our leaders to create space for us to speak and listen to each other – community to community. We want to ask questions, seek clarification, and speak the truth in love. Remembering that God welcomes all who seek truth with sincerity and integrity.
Whatever happens, we want to move forward in the trusting confidence that, ultimately, our unity is rooted in Jesus – not denominations. So we place our hope in the God who has called us into being, and whose church we are.
Yours in the fellowship of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ,
May 10, 2021
To the writers and signatories of the “Open Letter to MB Church Leaders” (March 27, 2021):
On behalf of the CCMBC National Faith and Life Team (NFLT), we thank you for your prayers that God’s Spirit would fill us and our MB family with wisdom, grace, and peace. We thank you also for your prayers for BCMB and for Artisan Church as BCMB processed Artisan’s request to be released from membership. We recognize that there are many different reasons for each of you to attach your name to the letter and thus we humbly acknowledge that our response here may or may not address your specific concern. We can only address what we understand from the letter as it stands.
From the signatories to the Open Letter and from other interactions, we see that many in our MB family from across the country share a growing desire to find loving and just responses to LGBTQ+ people inside and outside our MB churches. We hear and agree with this desire and we take seriously Jesus’ command to love our neighbours as ourselves. We also hear your appeal for MB churches and conferences to create occasions for dialogue about how to better live out the gospel and demonstrate Jesus’ love to LGBQT+ people.
As the NFLT, one of our primary roles is to assist our national MB family of churches with how our Confession of Faith addresses Christian discipleship in the midst of Canada’s changing culture, and how the Confession can best be applied in local church contexts. We provide resources to ensure clarity regarding our Confession; and occasionally, if prompted to do so by our Provincial Conferences, we examine specific Articles in the Confession to ensure that their wording best expresses what we understand the Bible says on the topic (e.g., our recent proposed revision to Article 8). We are committed to assisting and resourcing our churches to more lovingly embody our shared convictions, as expressed in the Confession of Faith. We want to enable and assist with many more of these practical and pastoral conversations.
As the NFLT—with MB leaders and pastors representing churches from BC to Nova Scotia—we believe that our present Confession of Faith is faithful to Scripture; but we acknowledge that as an MB family we have often failed to live out our convictions in loving ways. Based on reading, studying, and listening, the NFLT does not think that there are adequate arguments for hosting a conversation on revising our Confession’s convictions about marriage and same-sex intimacy (Articles 10 and 11). We believe that the best path forward is for our churches and leaders to affirm and teach what we believe are biblically faithful convictions while at the same time applying them in ways that fit the sacrificial way of Jesus in the world.
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Recently we have been actively giving more time and effort to this exact question about how our churches can show Jesus’ love more effectively to LGBTQ+ people. We are creating new written resources that provide guidance for how the convictions of our Confession of Faith on sexuality and marriage can be taught and practiced in our churches more compassionately. We are making other resources (e.g., our 2013 and 2015 Sexuality Study Conferences) more accessible on our website and continuing to gather together key resources to support our churches*. We are revising the existing Confession of Faith’s “Commentary” and “Pastoral Application” sections in order to better clarify the biblical and theological foundations of our convictions and the ways that these convictions can be lived out by all of us today. We are partnering with Posture Shift to provide a more loving and missional response to LGBTQ+ people, and we are committed to fostering deliberate conversation groups with MB pastors and leaders who want to explore what application of our convictions means for their contexts.
In order to improve our ability to listen to our larger MB family, we are introducing a new email account (listeningwell@mbchurches.ca) to receive input from you and others in our MB family about how we can love LGBTQ+ people better. These submissions will assist us as we create resources so we thank you ahead of time for your valued input. (While we promise to look at all submissions, we apologize that we are unable to provide individualized feedback.)
Our new Collaborative Model invites any MB church member (or group of MB church members) with questions about how to apply our Confession of Faith in more loving ways to first process these with their local church who can, as needed, ask their Provincial Conference’s Faith and Life team for assistance. The NFLT encourages these local and provincial conversations because this is where relationships with members and churches are closest, where contexts are best understood, and listening can be most effective. We also are excited to hear your suggestions and reflections that grow out of these conversations, and hope you share them with us at the email noted above.
Finally, thank you again for your sincere concern evident in your communication with us. We ask for your ongoing prayers for the NFLT and our national family of churches as together we seek to be faithful to God’s Kingdom mission in the world.
Yours in Christ,
The MB National Faith and Life Team
* The NFLT will be adding resources to the website site in the coming weeks.
