AN AVIARY OF GLIDING In the last issue we published part one of this true study on glider pilots. We erroneously told you that the source of the article was the Vancouver Soaring Scene. We have since been corrected. This article first appeared in Free Flight magazine. All glider pilots belong to the species ‘Aeronauticus’. Having said that, it then becomes necessary to mention that this species has a plethora of fascinating subspecies. Indeed, one of the joys of club life is to observe, identify and categorize them – a refined form of bird watching in which the observed can reciprocate!
using his wheel brake (which this time happens to be working), comes to rest with the sailplane’s nose only a few inches from the door of his glider trailer. Very impressive. Scientists are somewhat puzzled by the position of hotshoticus on the scale of glider pilot evolution. Is he the apex of development to which all will eventually climb, or is he a case of arrested development? It is reliably reported that most glider pilots exhibit some small streak of hotshoticus, whether it be as a latent development or a vestigial remnant, and this streak can be intensified by adding alcohol to the bloodstream by an oral injection through the neck of a bottle. Here’s to A. hotshoticus. May his deeds be as great as his words.
Aeronauticus hotshoticus
Aeronauticus overconfidensus
This bird, unfortunately, is not rare and shows no sign of ever becoming extinct. The subspecies is best identified by a large gaping hole just above his chin that is in constant motion and from which issues a never ending stream of sound. The most readily identified sound is that of the simple word “I” and it has been observed that if “I” could be removed from his endless birdsong he would be struck mercifully dumb. The eyes of hotshoticus exhibit certain peculiarities, they do not see flying instruments as do other eyes: rates of climb are doubled, speeds appear greater and altitude higher. Curiously, the time perception of hotshoticus shows a certain waywardness, in that time in conjunction with speed tasks appears to be less, while in conjunction with duration of flight claims seems to be greater. Many of these strange phenomena might have gone undiscovered, had it not been for the fact that hotshoticus is often equipped with a powerful and much used radio, by which he is able to report his instrument readings to lesser pilots nearby who see things on a different scale. The only temporarily effective means of silencing his radio monologue is to ask him to look up to see if your wheel is retracted just after he has radioed his great height and general soaring ability. Hotshoticus flies with a flair that in lesser sub-species is fairly characterized as bad airmanship. Naturally he considers rules are made for others who need them more. His idea of a standard landing circuit is a high speed pass across the field, flicking the top of the long grass, followed by a zooming climb and a steep turning approach to the runway. It has happened that hotshoticus had been so dazzled by his own virtuoso performance, that he has forgotten to put his wheel down and so has landed amid a fine shower of fibreglass particles. On the occasions when his wheel is firmly locked down, his landing run is predictably unorthodox as he cuts in front of the line of gliders waiting to takeoff and skilfully
There is hope for fledglings but none at all for the subspecies
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June 2011
known as Aeronauticus overconfidensus. This bird is usually found in gaggles on days when thermals are rare (and crowded) spiralling merrily upward with head and eyes caged in blissful ignorance of other gliders. If you feel in need of stimulation, get into such a gaggle and meet one of the subspecies head on at the same altitude and circling in the opposite direction to every other glider in the thermal. Don’t be afraid of startling him, he knows he’s alone in the big blue sky and will never see you. A cardinal rule of the air is to see and be seen. As there is no way of being sure that you have been seen, it is wise to assume that every other pilot is a fool and a blind fool at that. With confidensus this is an accurate assumption. The air gives freedom in dimensions unknown to the ground bound, but it also gives the possibility of trouble from all angles. Here’s to A. overconfidensus. May he follow the dodo bird into extinction. Until then, keep your neck swivelling.
Aeronauticus competicus is a simple, uncomplicated bird with but a single aim – winning. His single-minded devotion to his goal has been known to make him somewhat unpopular with the lesser breeds. Among his armament he has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every club rule ever written and a remarkable facility for using them to his advantage, without ever transgressing the letter of the law by more than an hair’s breadth. His knowledge is most frequently used in getting a tow just when he wants one, which is invariably as the first cumulus start to pop in the sky. He sees no harm in pushing out of the line naive romantics who wish to fly only for pleasure. It is obvious to him that it is far more important for him to get practice for important contests, than it is for them to clutter up the sky to no purpose. To competicus, no cloud scene has ever appeared as a
