603 LIVING / HEALTH to occur 30% or more of the time. Even though pregnancy loss is common, many people are completely taken by surprise when it happens to them. “It’s more common than people understand,” says Deborah Browne, M.D., an ob/gyn at Core Obstetrics & Gynecology in Exeter. Of course, it’s not something you want to think about, but “people frequently never envision that they could possibly have a loss,” she says. Yet when women who experience pregnancy loss talk about it with friends and family, they often learn that women close to them — even their mothers and sisters — have also had lost pregnancies, says Isabel Brewster, C.N.M., a certified nurse midwife at Catholic Medical Center. “They are often shocked at how many people in their lives had pregnancy loss and they didn’t know about it,” she says. The taboo about conversations about pregnancy loss, along with what is often only meager or tentative support from loved ones and acquaintances for grieving parents, can intensify trauma. Often, the expectant parents need to grieve as anyone would who has lost a child, Browne says, but many people outside of the expectant couple might have been unaware of the pregnancy, or they were aware but don’t know what to say in consolation so they “don’t say anything at all,” or they
What — and what not — to say to someone who experiences pregnancy loss
Ending Silence Stigma adds to the pain of pregnancy loss BY KAREN A. JAMROG / ILLUSTRATION BY MADELINE McMAHON
P
regnancy can be a time of unbounded joy and hope, filled with dreams and expectations (and, yes, trepidation) about the future. When pregnancy abruptly ends in a miscarriage, or spontaneous loss of the fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy, it can spark a range of emotions, from tremendous grief to guilt, shame, and, for women, insecurity about their body. Stigma and a lack of support
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Many well-intentioned people struggle with what to say — or they say the wrong things — to someone who is grieving a lost pregnancy. Telling the bereaved that “it’s for the best,” or “it’s God’s plan,” for example, is not helpful, says Deborah Browne, M.D., an ob/gyn at Core Obstetrics & Gynecology
often compound the emotional devastation of pregnancy loss. Most often, pregnancy loss is caused by genetic abnormalities in the fetus, not by something the woman did or didn’t do. The majority of pregnancy losses occur within the first three months of pregnancy and affect 10 to 20% of confirmed pregnancies. Including unconfirmed pregnancies, pregnancy loss is estimated
in Exeter. However, while it’s OK to feel like you don’t know what to say, instead of remaining silent or avoiding the topic, offer your support. Check in with the person in the weeks and months following the loss. Let them know, Browne says, “‘If you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.’”
