The Strength to Make Healthier, Safer Decisions

Lessons learned from victims of abuse

By Rashida Eltag Mohamed

orking with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault has illustrated to me the human resiliency to move on with life even after years of abuse.

Physical abuse is the type known to most, but victims of emotional and verbal abuse also show similar resiliency. Abuse victims care for their children, focus on jobs and run their homes. Currently, in New Hampshire, the justice system doesn’t acknowledge emotional and verbal abuse as a crime against humanity, yet no type of abuse begins with just one threat.

On the website, “The Power of Positivity,” psychologists say there are seven reasons we stay in a relationship that is toxic and no longer works: 1. Low self-esteem 2. Fear of being alone 3. Desire to change partners 4. Fear of financial instability 5. Children 6. The abuse has been normalized 7. Believing that the relationship is good enough

We see this clearly in women’s lives. Again, while there are male victims of abuse, the percentage with whom I work with is lower than women victims.

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Abuse has many layers and ways to maneuver. It requires knowledge of the resources that are available to the victims and most importantly language.

To immigrants and refugees who may not understand what is being said to them, this an extra layer between them and survival.

Without resilience, many of the victims would still be abused and, worse, manipulated and – if she is a refugee or immigrant – possibly sent back to her native country.

Survivors who have undergone trauma can be, and often are, highly resilient. In some cases, however, traumatized individuals may develop maladaptive coping skills, such as substance use, that negatively impact them and may reduce their ability to cope with future challenges.

Emotional abuse may be harder to identify than physical abuse, but that doesn’t make it any less harmful.

An example: Any couple. Any situation. Any language.

He was her first love and she hoped to have her dream family with him. He promised to be by her side always. They agreed to keep their personal issues between them. She kept her promise. He did not.

He lied to her sisters, other family members and her friends. Made up terrible stories so much so that her family members and friends turned on her. The husband became the trusted confidant for “her” family members. He then lied to his wife and told her that her trusted family was talking about her. He isolated her. She did not return phone calls or invitations. In time, the family and friends stopped reaching out.

She was alone with just him and their children.

The name-calling began. The silent treatment when he said nothing to her for days. He decided when she could speak and when they would have sex. This treatment was exacerbated until the two children became aware of their father’s mistreatment of their mother.

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The couple were well educated and well known in the community. But he drank. Got angry. Called her names. Threatened. Threw things at her. A day. A week. A month. A year. At one point, their daughter was afraid because she saw blood and she called 911. Nothing happened. It was explained away. Only a small cut.

Then a neighbor called the police after he heard a loud fight.

Later, she read a domestic violence leaflet left by the officers. And there she saw herself. She called the crisis service phone number for domestic violence victims. She began attending the support group. She learned about verbal and emotional abuse and how her daughter might be the fourth generation of abuse, simply from observing the mother’s life and choices.

Working with the domestic violence liaison and in support groups, she began healing mentally and began practicing the behaviors taught in the groups, embraced and practiced promoting and using her own personal strengths and acknowledging her own personal assets. This resilience had always been there.

She had only to accept and embrace it to protect herself from future negativity.

While many see resilience as a strong asset, it can also have a negative connotation of accepting a bad situation, particularly if the victim experienced verbal and emotional abuse in her childhood. The abuse becomes the norm. She knows it. She stays.

But, in some cases, the victim is strong enough to see herself in other victims. That resilience leads to healthier decisions. And life.

Rashida Eltag Mohamed is a domestic and sexual violence victim advocate at the Manchester Police Department.